Committed Technically

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Ashley & Brandon Season 1 Episode 20

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0:00 | 48:17

Let's be real; sending a spicy photo is an art form, but far too often, it ends up looking like a cryptid sighting caught on a blurry security camera. This week, we're deep diving into the ultimate guide to taking a proper dick pic. From lighting choices to the angles that actually do you justice, we're breaking down the essential do's and absolute don'ts of digital intimacy. 

So, it's time to tune in Committed Gang, because we have some hilarious, unfiltered, and practical advice you didn't know you needed. Let's chat and yap about it!


Distribution: Buzzsprout

Editing and Production: Riverside.FM Studios

Music: "Good Things Take Time" by Otto.mp3 and Upbeat

SPEAKER_00

Hell yeah, brother.

SPEAKER_02

That was I forgot about the high gay. Anyways, do you want to know something crazy? What's that? Somewhere out there right now, at this very exact moment, a man is opening his camera andor Snapchat with confidence he absolutely did not fucking earn.

SPEAKER_01

Mama, okay, so every dick pic is either from like six feet above in complete darkness or with a toilet covered in piss stains, I swear to god.

SPEAKER_02

Girl, this is why we're informing the committed gang on how to take a proper nude.

SPEAKER_01

Mama, those camera angles should be investigated by the authorities because why? Why are we doing the things that we're doing?

SPEAKER_02

Let's try and have about it. Lego! Welcome back to the committed technically podcast, where today we're going to talk about sending nudes. There are two types of people in this world: people who send terrible dick pics and people who are receiving these god-awful dick pics. RIP girl. Andor andor boy, I don't know. Today we are addressing a crisis that has been ignored for far too fucking long. The technology has evolved. The camera has evolved. And somehow the photos have gotten worse. Welcome, bitches.

SPEAKER_00

Welcome, bitch. I'm like, I'm laughing. I'm laughing because when he said crisis, all I could think of was like that orange big bitch in the office.

SPEAKER_01

Where he's you know how he does everything besides do like the actual things that the country needs. Yeah. And I could just see him standing up at the podium be like, alright, so we got a crisis on our hands.

SPEAKER_00

Right. How to take rabbi dick pigs. And he just like starts talking about how to take a dick picture when he can't see his own dick.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god. I was like, which orange pig pension? I'm like, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02

That fuck.

SPEAKER_00

That guy. Got it.

SPEAKER_02

No, not guy. Fuck. That fuck. That fuck. Anywho. Alright, girl.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. How you want? Start it off. Where are we starting?

SPEAKER_02

We're talking about what we're not gonna fucking do, okay? I call it the hall of shame.

SPEAKER_01

The hall of shame dick.

SPEAKER_02

Hall of shame of dick pics. Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Let's just start off with the first one. Okay. Okay, so you picture this. Guy's taking a dick picture. Right? He has his phone by his crotch, okay? Right. Right. The camera's pointed towards his dick. You can basically just see the dick in the balls, okay? Okay. And what what we're not doing anything with the face, okay? And all you see is his double chin. The downward double chin. Please stop. Just just stop, okay?

SPEAKER_00

Like so focused on trying to get the angle that you just see like double chin and straight, like concentrated.

SPEAKER_02

What's crazy is that they could still fucking edit the photo and get their face out of the picture.

SPEAKER_01

But they're I know you're probably getting these obviously from either DL guys or you've gotten these from like gay men, right?

SPEAKER_02

No, the gay men don't do it.

SPEAKER_01

So it's just the DL guys.

SPEAKER_02

It's the DL guys.

SPEAKER_01

So it's just you straight fuckers.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Get it together.

SPEAKER_01

Fuck.

SPEAKER_02

That's one of them. Okay, the next one. Okay. The dirty mirror jump scare. Get a full body length mirror. You're naked. You got your dick out. It's hard. Right. Ready? Take a picture. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02

And you have the audacity.

SPEAKER_00

Tonight, wipe down your fucking mirror.

unknown

Brother.

SPEAKER_02

It's just like the little things, you know? Like, especially if you're sending it to a girl, girls pay attention to that shit.

SPEAKER_01

I was literally gonna say, like, the worst thing is so you're getting the dick pick and it's like that, right? Like, sure, like I'm looking at the dick. Like, sure.

SPEAKER_02

But then I'm looking at you're really not though. You're looking at like everything else. I'm seeing like what's what does the room look like? Is the mirror clean? Which probably fucking not.

SPEAKER_01

No, and I'm seeing like splotchy mirror. I'm seeing open toothpaste and toothpaste on the counter. I'm seeing like rings in the toilet because you left the toilet seat up because you're a fucking nasty fuck. Um, I see clothes on the ground. Yeah. And then for some reason, why do I see like a lash? Whose lash is that? Is that your lash? Or you just be fucking other bitches? Why are you sending me your dick? Send her the dick with your splotchy ass mirror.

SPEAKER_02

The lash is probably his girlfriend.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly. That's a that's another that's another thing we can talk about. It's just just clean your fucking clean your space.

SPEAKER_01

Clean your space before you take a pick.

SPEAKER_02

It's not that hard.

SPEAKER_01

No. Even like a normal fully clothed.

SPEAKER_02

Even if you have to throw it in the fucking corner. Girl, do something. Hide it. Okay, anyways.

SPEAKER_00

We're getting too heated on the dirty mirrors.

SPEAKER_02

Well, no, it's just I've had it happen to me, and I'm like.

SPEAKER_01

What a turn off.

SPEAKER_02

I usually just left them on red. And I was like, girl, get your fucking life together. Okay, anyways, next topic. So so um So Ashley has uh much experience with this uh this next little uh point. Taking a picture of your dick on the toilet.

SPEAKER_01

So much drama, girl. Okay, like I received dick pics from like in the bed. I received dick like from normal places, bathrooms. But this bathroom picture, like I don't understand, and I kind of touched based on this, I think, on one of the last episodes that we did.

SPEAKER_02

This is uh this is why we're doing this episode because you said that. I was like, oh my god, we should do that.

SPEAKER_01

We should. I don't understand what in this like do you want to tell me that you don't have like archives of your dick? Like, if you're single and like you're an avid dick pic sender, you don't have like things hiding in like the arsenal. The arsenal. Right. Why are you at the quick trip bathroom, right? You're at the quick trip community bathroom, sitting on the toilet, taking a dick. Your pants are around your ankles, bro. There's pee on the seat. Yeah, like you peed while you were taking a shit, and then like shook your dick a little bit, and then took a picture of your dick mid like semi-hard. I and your dick didn't even look clean.

SPEAKER_02

I just I just want to know what goes on in your brain.

SPEAKER_01

I wish I knew his name. I cannot remember for the life of me what his name was, but I want to call him out.

SPEAKER_02

Probably be it's probably a good thing you don't know his name. Right, probably a good thing. Right. Um now that I think about it, I've actually also gotten one of those, but it wasn't piss. There was a literal shit in the toilet.

SPEAKER_00

You just see like in the dark crevice of the of like the It was just lurking in the girl.

SPEAKER_02

Do you know what I did?

SPEAKER_00

What did you do?

SPEAKER_02

I blocked him.

SPEAKER_01

I as you should. Yeah. As you should. I would have probably taken it, screenshot it, zoomed in on it, on the shit itself, sent it back to him, be like, this is what I think of you. And then blocked him. But you know what's crazy? What?

unknown

You found a way back into my phone.

SPEAKER_00

They always find a way back.

SPEAKER_02

Got the voodoo claim, I guess. Um knock it the fuck off. Honestly, just just knock it off, okay?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, that's like yeah, just knock it off. What are you what are we doing?

SPEAKER_01

What are you doing? If your dick had a Facebook profile, make sure it's presentable. Like, what's your Facebook profile picture look like? Presentable, clean, nice. People want to know, like that's like the first thing they see, right? Yeah. Do the wit with your dick. Make sure your dick is presentable.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Little bow tie.

SPEAKER_02

It's clean.

SPEAKER_01

And it's clean.

SPEAKER_02

Like trim your bush.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Hide the shit. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

If you're sending videos of like you're stroking your dick, like cut your nails, clean your nails. Right. Like, look like you're well groomed. Don't, don't, don't shock the bitch. Don't shock the dude.

SPEAKER_02

No, we're not trying to be like, we're not trying to be hate and hoes, okay.

SPEAKER_01

No, but we're hating hoes.

SPEAKER_02

We're hating, but we're trying to help you out too. Right. So you can get it in.

SPEAKER_01

We're kind of venting right now, uh, all the times. Girls. But you know what? We are really trying to help you. So, how can we help them? So he said, okay, don't do these.

SPEAKER_02

So now what those are just like some things that you absolutely 100 fucking percent should not be doing. Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

So we're gonna talk about angles.

SPEAKER_01

Angles!

SPEAKER_02

Angles Mattle Girl.

SPEAKER_00

They do matter.

SPEAKER_02

Angles and camera placement. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

So for example, we talked about the downwards double chin, okay?

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Don't do that. Just don't do that. Just don't do that. Don't do that, okay? From personal experience as a man with a penis, okay?

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

What I like to do.

SPEAKER_01

Tell them what you like to do.

SPEAKER_02

Girl. Okay, so I get my dick real hard.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Okay. It's like pulsing almost.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Also, if you're my family, move it along. We should move it along.

SPEAKER_01

Should have warned him. Like, okay. Okay, slide like two minutes from now.

SPEAKER_02

No, girl, just skip the episode. No. Don't eat Actually, you can skip to Ashley's part. She don't give a shit. Okay, so anyways.

SPEAKER_00

You get your dick super hard.

SPEAKER_02

So hard, it's throbbing, okay? Right. Spread my legs open a little bit, okay? And I'll have my camera like mid-torso length. I have my camera open. Yeah. Clean your fucking cameras, your your lenses, okay? Okay. And then you couple your dick with your um with your balls, and you make sure your balls are like evenly placed on either side of your penis. Right, with your penis, with your shaft. Right. Okay. And then you flex your dick, and then you take the picture. That's all you gotta do, girl.

SPEAKER_01

I said when he when Brandon was telling me this before we started recording, I said, your penis is probably screaming.

SPEAKER_02

Like it's literally screaming, but like we gotta get a good shot, girl.

SPEAKER_01

You gotta get a good shot. And then when you it's so good. Guess what, guys? You don't have to do that every single time a girl asks for a dick pic. No. Just like we said, put it in the archives and the arsenal.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Like set some time aside. Yeah. Make sure your fucking room's clean. I feel like this is a vent if this is like a venting session. It is.

SPEAKER_01

It's like a venting session.

SPEAKER_02

Um, but yeah, that's what I like to do. Um, I always get good results. You always get 10 out of 10. Yeah, and I get compli I Jesus, I almost said complaints.

SPEAKER_00

No, you never get complaints.

SPEAKER_02

They're like, oh my god, your dick looks so good. I'm like, thanks, girl. I know.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks, girl. It's attached to me. I know.

SPEAKER_02

I grew it myself.

SPEAKER_00

I grew it myself.

SPEAKER_02

Um so yeah, angles matter, camera placement for sure. Don't be fucking taking your picture like this. Front-facing camera with your fucking head in the background.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, why do we do that?

SPEAKER_02

Don't do that. I I've said that so many times already, this episode, but just no. It's not it. It's not the move, girl.

SPEAKER_01

It's it's triggering for Brandon, so let's stop doing it.

SPEAKER_02

Right. I don't need to see your double chin. Unless you have a nice dick.

SPEAKER_01

Unless your dick covers the whole chin.

SPEAKER_02

Right, right, exactly. Um so that's just how I like to do it.

SPEAKER_01

Um If I had a dick, I'd probably do it like that too. That's that's good.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, like it's a good angle. It doesn't the dick looks good. Okay, so yeah, like like like like I said. Pop out the veins, make sure it looks good. Uh if you are taking it in front of a mirror, you know, post a little bit in the camera in front of the mirror.

SPEAKER_01

Pop that ass out, girl. Pop that ass out.

SPEAKER_02

Make sure the dick pop out. Um, this is another another thing that kind of gets me heated. Do you like hair on a man? Do you like a bush?

SPEAKER_01

I really don't care, to be honest.

SPEAKER_02

You okay?

SPEAKER_01

But here's the thing. Um, I really don't care, but if like you're overly bushed and you want me to go down and like do a little gluck gluck. Right. Uh-uh. I'm not trying to floss my- I flossed before I got here, babe. Floss is crazy.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I got ya.

SPEAKER_03

I was sick again. She said that.

SPEAKER_00

Brandon was smoking and I caught him off guard. I did not know you were gonna say that.

SPEAKER_01

So I stand on business. Like I said, girl, I flossed before I got here. I don't need your pubic hairs to be like in between my teeth. I really don't want to feel it on my tongue because it all gag and I I can't. I can't. So if like you're wanting the whole like the whole shebang, right? Then a trim I would be nice. A trim would be nice.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_01

But if you're just pound doing if you're just doing pound and we're just we're just pounding and there's no like foreplay.

SPEAKER_02

You like a little hair.

unknown

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You don't want to. On them? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Me? No.

SPEAKER_02

So no, no uh naked mole rat.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, not on a man. Um, not on a man. And really, I don't really give a shit about the women either, because like, do your thing, Queen. But for me personally, the only hair I like on my body is on top of my head and my eyebrows and my eyelashes. Everything else, bold. Um when it comes to my men, I'm not picky. But if you're purposely going naked Mulrat on purpose.

SPEAKER_02

So you're like, you're like in between. No naked Mulrat, but no fucking 70s bush either.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no 70s bush.

SPEAKER_02

So like trimmed. Trimmed nice and neat.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and if you have hair other places, like on your chest or your stomach, I don't give a shit about that. Any of that. On your back, I don't give a shit about that.

SPEAKER_02

What about hair on your balls?

SPEAKER_01

Great question. Hmm. I could probably say that every man that I've been with has had they haven't had like hairy, hairy balls, at least not enough hair to for me to like to give a shit or notice about. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I really indifferent. Indiffer. Indiffer. Okay. Indifferent about our testicle friends.

SPEAKER_02

I I think we're the same person, actually. Because I I I like I like a bush that's trimmed, nice and neat. Yeah. But hairy balls.

SPEAKER_01

You can't do it.

SPEAKER_02

No, I can. Oh, you can. I love it.

SPEAKER_01

You look on the balls. Right.

SPEAKER_03

I'm so glad we're not visual.

SPEAKER_00

I can't wait to be visual one day.

SPEAKER_02

But yeah, a nice little, nice little hairy sack.

SPEAKER_01

Sure.

SPEAKER_02

I love it.

SPEAKER_01

It's like um, like little kiwis. Yeah. You know how hairy little fuzzy kiwis.

SPEAKER_00

You just like want to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

SPEAKER_02

It's like a stress bowl.

SPEAKER_00

Oh.

SPEAKER_02

But hairy. Okay. So, anyways, trim your fucking bush, okay?

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you. Um, so this last little bit is um like a hot take for like unpopular but popular opinions. At least for me. Okay. Unsolicited dick picks. Girl, we talked about this a couple episodes ago, I don't remember which one. Right, man. But for me personally, as a gay man, I love waking up and just seeing my man's dick, you know? Be like, hey, I was thinking about you. I was like, oh my god, stong.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. You horny bastard.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know. It's just the gay man and me.

SPEAKER_01

I think it is just the gay man in you, because I don't know, something about me and I'm working, especially like girl, I stay working, right? I work Monday through Friday, I'm doing stuff in between. Like, obviously, we have like our podcasts, we have like business and meetings and work and family and all the things in between. Girl, if I am at my niece or my nephew, little like my like our friend, she has the uh the the two kids, right? Let's say I'm doing something with the kids, and I pop up my motherfucking phone if I was single, right? And I saw and I just open up a snap and it's some man stroking cock, please for the love of Christ. But like at like 11 a.m. in the morning.

SPEAKER_02

Like, what if it was your man's dick though?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, that's fine.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, okay. That's confusing.

SPEAKER_01

I know. Well, here's the thing. I think the okay, I'll have to call Big Jim out. So, like Big Big Jim, Big Jim got it, right?

SPEAKER_02

Well, I don't know, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, you said I can only imagine.

SPEAKER_00

Like to see it, but but you know, the reason Jim, if you're listening, I'm just kidding. No, he's not. Look at him.

SPEAKER_02

I'm like, I'm on the fence. It's like 50-50.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You're like, you know, no it, like but actually I do. But you wanna know why you haven't? Because you have seen like the sorry guys, the the guys that like I used to talk to like six years ago where you send me your dick. Guess what? I wasn't the only one who saw it. Like Brandon saw it too. But why Brandon has not seen my boyfriend of four years' dick, he don't send them.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So like I never had to worry. So like that's really a loaded question for me. Because I've never no that's fair.

SPEAKER_02

Damn, right? Also, back circling back to what uh Ash had said, um all the men that had sent me a dick pic, uh I had also shown her your dick pic, and I apologize. But it's just like a just like a little thing we did, you know.

SPEAKER_01

We're we're married, like you knew this.

SPEAKER_02

If I'm gonna see it, so is my wife.

SPEAKER_01

Hello, and if I'm gonna see it, so is my husband.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Sorry about it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna compare and contrast. Right.

SPEAKER_02

Be like, that's a nasty dig. Wait, no, that's a nice dig.

SPEAKER_01

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02

Like, take a pound town.

SPEAKER_01

Or be like, and be like, oh, look, it's Mr. Shreop.

SPEAKER_02

Diabolical.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so sorry, y'all. Anyways.

SPEAKER_02

Um, okay, so it depends on for you.

SPEAKER_01

Depends on for me, but that's because that's my personal, like, my personal shit. We're like, me and my man don't really have to, and we don't. Um, I mean, sometimes I'll send like something a little like ew.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like if he's out like with his like friends or he's out doing something, and I'm like, I'm bored, and I'll send like some titties. And then he's home in like 20 minutes. Yeah. It's like easy. Right. It's like calling, it's like cat call. It's like ringing the bell out in the country, like, come for supper. Time to eat, pussy.

SPEAKER_02

For a split second. For the split second. You said teddy, you said teddy pictures, okay. Right. And then you're s and you ring the bell, right? And you're like, time to eat. And I thought you meant to breastfeed this man.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I mean, we could do that too.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, oh. Okay. Anyways, that's a segue.

SPEAKER_02

That was a pretty good segue. I'm sorry for fucking it up. Okay, so I talked about briefly on how to take a dick pic. Right. More or less on what not to do. Right. And what I would do.

SPEAKER_00

Sure.

SPEAKER_02

So now Ash is gonna be talking about how to take the titty pictures and the ass pictures, because I can't do that.

SPEAKER_01

In that thong, thon thong thong. So here's the thing Ladies, men with boobies, nice butts, um to take a picture, you gonna take a titty picture? Anyways, because a lot of the times lesbians, bisexuals and men, when they're receiving, like when like that talk is happening, the talk, like the dirty talk is happening, then the pictures start coming, right? Lesbians and bisexuals who are more on the the lady side of the sexual the you know, spectrum, they all have straight man mindset. You could take a titty pick of you hunched over in the titties dangling like cow udders, and they'll be like, that's so fucking hot. I swear to god, I would. We had visuals, guys. Brandon's face this whole episode.

SPEAKER_00

He's so short. And your tits are hanging like cowards. I mean, I've never done that. I'm just like yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Most of the time, my tit pics have been like me laying down. But a lot of that.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I've seen a lot of your tit picks.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

So and that one was never brought up. That is actually crazy.

SPEAKER_01

So I am shook. I have never taken one like that. But I'm just saying, like, to like generalize how men in like lesbian butch women or bisexual women on that on that spectrum side they think titty is a titty pick. We love a titty pick. Um, most of the time, mine are usually done laying down. It's all about the angles too. So yeah. Depending, I mean, and boobies, boobies are so fun because you can go up, down, side. You can do anything with them. I have a bigger chest.

SPEAKER_02

So it's titties.

SPEAKER_01

I got them titties, too. I got them 36 triple Ds, girl.

SPEAKER_02

The mommy milkers.

SPEAKER_01

The mommy milkers. And so a lot of the time it's it's more attractive for me. Like, I think they're more attractive when I lay down because then they're more centered and you have more control over them. And I have more control. Sure. Sure. Titties. But if your boobies aren't as big as mine, and they're like, whatever, girl. Do whatever. Do whatever. A little shower pick with the with the water on the titties. Delicious. I've received those before. Delicious. Um yeah, titty's titties universal. Uh ass though, ass a little different. Okay. Because I got I got an ass. But here's the thing. I got the cakes. It's a little bit how you pose. It's all about the posing again. Because just like with the like fitness influencers and all the influencers you see on like Instagram or TikTok, that's all posing. Does this does their ass truly look like that all the time? No. So it's just in the way that you want to pose. If you want to stand and like do like a full body like peer mirror pick. Um the old apartment I used to have when I was single. Um I had I had my ex install like mirrors, like three mirrors next to each other, and then do LED red lights around. Well, my bed was in there. And so I necessarily wasn't standing when I would take like ass pics, it would more so be like crouched on the bed with a side angle or an angle from the back. And it's all in how you how you feel comfortable posing your body.

SPEAKER_04

Right.

SPEAKER_01

The whole thing is like if you don't have the confidence to take that picture, that will reflect in the picture.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, okay, that makes sense. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So like if you're like, ugh, I don't look good, girl, you don't look good then. But if you're like, you wanna know what I eat that, you could have like flat ass no-tits. But if like you ate down in your picture and you think you did, and your pose cute and your hair's cute and your makeup's cute, you won't get laid. You're gonna be just fine, girl.

SPEAKER_02

So you're talking about just like the whole body picture or like just the ass?

SPEAKER_01

Either.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, either.

SPEAKER_01

Either.

SPEAKER_02

I can't take a I can't take an ass picture to save my life, girl.

SPEAKER_01

Why?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know. I just can't get the poses right.

SPEAKER_01

Posing is just so weird, I think, with the butt.

SPEAKER_02

I got the big ass too.

SPEAKER_01

Girl, just throw on a thong.

SPEAKER_02

I don't like thongs. Maybe a jock strap?

SPEAKER_01

Throw on a jock.

SPEAKER_02

I don't have a jock either.

SPEAKER_01

You don't have a jock? No. See, jock could really be good. Because then you could like.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I'm I'm a big bitch, so I don't know if I'll look good at it. I need to I need to get on those fucking trizepatides. I swear to God. I swear to be skinny.

SPEAKER_01

Skeletor.

SPEAKER_02

I literally want to look like a skeleton.

SPEAKER_00

I know, I know.

SPEAKER_01

But like you and another gay I knew.

SPEAKER_02

I'm scared though, because I'll lose my ass if I do it.

SPEAKER_01

You will, because it literally eats up your muscle.

SPEAKER_02

Right. Well, my my ass isn't muscle though. It's just fat.

SPEAKER_01

Your well, then it's really gonna go away. Because it does both. If you don't work out when you're taking those like Ozempics or those, you know.

SPEAKER_02

True tides and whatnot, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

If you don't work out and work out that muscle, then you're gonna lose that muscle. You'll lose the muscle and you'll obviously lose the fat.

SPEAKER_02

Does working at FedEx five days a week does that count as working out?

SPEAKER_01

Um, only if you're doing a shit ton of squats.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, I'm picking up heavy ass boxes when I'm lifting a lot. So I'm wondering.

SPEAKER_01

Just start shooting it up and see if it see if you end up losing your ass or not.

SPEAKER_02

I'm scared, but if I don't get a bag.

SPEAKER_00

He wants to look like a skeleton with a BBL. I just want to look basically. Basically, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Anyways, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01

So yeah, I mean that's kind of where I'm at with the you know, ass picks, the tit picks. If you have confidence, mama, just do it. Whoever you're sending it to, whether it's a straight man, it's your your lesbian girlfriend, your little bisexual. The straight men can eat it up either way. I think they all eat it up.

SPEAKER_02

They're like fucking dogs.

SPEAKER_01

They're so hungry for it. Right. So you want to segue?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, does that so is that kind of like that's kind of where I wrap up some tricks for Yeah, it's been such a long time too.

SPEAKER_01

It's all about, like I said, just pos it, pose it, girl, play around with it. It's fun, you know, it don't need to be that serious. It's not like you like work for Vogue.

SPEAKER_04

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01

You're a Victoria's Secret model. Like, you know, have fun. And if they don't like it, then fuck them. They weren't for you.

SPEAKER_00

True, true.

SPEAKER_01

Another man's one man's trash, another man's treasure, but you're not trash either way. I was gonna say period.

SPEAKER_03

It's a good way to close that mama.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, so you know, I'm on TikTok a lot. As I do. As you do. As I do. Um, have you ever heard or like seen those people, like big groups of people, do like the hear me out cakes?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but I'm a fat bitch. I'm like, can we just get to eating the cake?

SPEAKER_02

I felt that with my whole with my hope. Um, so I really wanted to do this and I wanted to try it out to see. Um, so we're gonna do a little segment called Hear Me Out.

SPEAKER_01

We could do like hear me out, like hear me out, I would send them a dick pic. Wait, it kind of ties in.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah? Okay. Okay, period. Yeah. So you wanna go first? You want me to go first?

SPEAKER_02

I think we should do every other one. Perfect. I do one, you do one back and forth.

SPEAKER_01

Love. Okay, who would you send your first dick pic to?

SPEAKER_02

Wait, so are we just sending dick pics? Could we also get dick pictures back to?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, it's consensual both ways.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, fair. Alright, um, so the first dick picture I'm sending to is probably gonna be the phantom virus from Scooby-Doo.

SPEAKER_00

So crazy of you to say.

SPEAKER_02

He's hot though. I think he's hot. Like, I just like the vibes of him, you know?

SPEAKER_00

The spooky vibes.

SPEAKER_02

The spooky vibes.

SPEAKER_00

The spooky vibes, the rut row.

SPEAKER_02

He's gonna he's gonna electrify this pussy.

SPEAKER_00

Oh! He's gonna zing. Right. Don't put it zing.

SPEAKER_02

Right. I love it. I love that for you. Thank you. So wait, pause. Do we think that the phantom virus is packing?

SPEAKER_01

Or do we think grace? I'm gonna I gotta look him up real quick. Hang on. Phantom virus.

SPEAKER_02

Phantom virus.

SPEAKER_01

That's a word that's hard for me to spell. Is that what?

SPEAKER_02

Phantom? Yeah. P H A T O M.

SPEAKER_01

Eh, eh, eh. Phantom virus.

SPEAKER_00

You wanna what he looks like? You ever seen Osmosis Jones?

unknown

Shut the fuck up.

SPEAKER_00

He looks like the thing that goes inside and like causes the infection.

SPEAKER_03

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00

Brother.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, anyways, we're getting sidetracked. Pack it or not.

SPEAKER_01

If he's like the cousin of the guy from Osmosis Jones, then I think he's packing. Because I think that guy's fucking packing.

SPEAKER_02

But like he doesn't have a dick, so I don't know how that works.

SPEAKER_01

It's packing personality, apparently. Electricity. Maybe he'll just zing the tip of your dick and then give you an orgasm. You don't know.

SPEAKER_02

That could be fun.

SPEAKER_01

That could be well.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I like that answer.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. So who I'm I'm sending um some titties to is solely from Monsters Ache.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. Period. I can see it. Can you see it? Yeah, I'm big. Big burly. Big hairy man, big hairy monster.

SPEAKER_01

Big hairy monster, but he has like a soft side. Yeah. And he's like super cute and he's good with kids.

SPEAKER_02

But he would absolutely pussy throb. He'd absolutely rail the shit out of you.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. He'd like.

SPEAKER_02

He's like a big he's like a big uh teddy bear.

SPEAKER_01

He would like put like put our kid down for bed and like read, read a little nighttime story, say, okay, good night, I love you. And then shut the door real quiet and be like, go to bed, bitch. And then take her downtown. That's solely for Monsters Inc. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Great dad. Great fuck. What more could you want?

SPEAKER_02

Literally a daddy.

SPEAKER_01

Literally a daddy.

SPEAKER_02

Literally a daddy. I love that.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, speaking of daddies, who's next?

SPEAKER_02

My next one is Jim Hopper.

SPEAKER_00

I think that's so crazy as well. I could see it though.

SPEAKER_02

Jim Hopper. He's got a dad bod going on, which I personally love, but I like men a little bigger. Um but just the mustache and just his overall physique. Yeah. I just know this man is hung like a fucking horse.

SPEAKER_01

You think so?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I know it.

SPEAKER_01

I think he has like mid. I think he's like average. He's average. I think he's average. Average dick.

SPEAKER_02

I think so, girl. How he like handles himself? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe it's the motion of the ocean. You don't know.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, even if he is if anyone is average, then as long as he knows how to use the colour.

SPEAKER_01

You'll take it.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

As long as we're not Mr. Shrimp. How sad would that be?

SPEAKER_02

That'd be so disappointing. And if it was, he's immediately off my list.

SPEAKER_01

We try not to be prejudiced. We try not to be like, what's that called? Shallow. But if if we see Mr. Shrimp. Sorry, girl, you got you got sorry, girl, you got to go. Shoo shoo.

SPEAKER_02

What's your second?

SPEAKER_01

Um my second, who's given some titties? Jasmine from Aladdin, like the cartoon like 1997, I think is when it came out version. But here's the kick. Only in the red outfit. I have a friend, and I think she listens. She had the same sexual, like bisexual awakening that I had when we were kids. So we had a conversation one time, we were getting really high together, and it came up, and I said, Oh my god, no way. She goes, girl. She's like, girl, because she's bisexual as well. We're both like girl. Jasmine in the red outfit at the end of Aladdin eats down. And I eat her down. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

SPEAKER_04

What you say? Okay, next.

SPEAKER_02

Uh my third is uh Finn from the Human from Adventure Time as an adult man. Okay. Hear me out. Hear me out. Full fucking beard, muscular, could probably throw your ass around.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

He has a very gruff voice, and he kinda like he kind of reminds me of like a lumberjack almost.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I'm here for it.

SPEAKER_01

Let's set up your your alley. I'm here for it. You love that shit.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like I sound weird when I say that. Finn is above uh above legal age, okay? In this in this uh particular I love how you had to say as an adult.

SPEAKER_00

He's as an adult, I don't.

SPEAKER_02

I just want to clarify.

SPEAKER_00

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02

But yeah, Finn the human as an adult man. Muscular, hairy, shredded as fuck. Right. Damn.

SPEAKER_01

Damn, damn, damn.

SPEAKER_02

Anyways.

SPEAKER_01

Um I'm going Michael Myers. Mikiella Myers. Miki Myers? I really don't need to. Mikkielo Myers.

SPEAKER_00

I don't need I don't need to explain any further.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

I agree. Okay, perfect. 100%. 100%. Even though you gotta keep the mask on, girl. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01

That's the whole that's the whole foreplay. Like.

SPEAKER_02

Well, no. Have you seen what he looks like under the mask? Yeah, we gotta we gotta be shallow.

SPEAKER_01

We gotta we do gotta keep the mask on. Gotta keep the mask on. We do gotta keep the mask on.

SPEAKER_02

Perhaps a uh a uh a bag as well.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like that would make him like upset. He probably would actually stab me.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, well yeah.

SPEAKER_02

What do you want that?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, that's what you want.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. To get fucked and then stabbed stabbed.

SPEAKER_00

Fun. Fun.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Go for it. What's your number four?

SPEAKER_02

Oh. Okay. So for the people who watch or enjoy Harry Potter. Lucius Malfoy.

SPEAKER_01

That's I'm hearing you out. I just need to hear you out.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. I see Lucius Malfoy, okay. Right. Right. Uh very much especially with the long hair. Okay. Silver blonde hair, right? Chiseled jawline. Probably shredded as fuck. He gives Big Dick energy. And he's just, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Dude, did you watch Game of Thrones? Do you like the Targery? Targaryans.

SPEAKER_02

I've seen the first season, and then I stopped watching it. I know. It's on my list, girl. My list. My list is so fucking long, okay? It's so long. Okay. Wait. Lucy is mouthboy. Lucy is a mouthboy. Long, long silver hair, okay? Very, very daddy to me. I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_00

I just I heard you out with this one.

SPEAKER_02

You disagree.

SPEAKER_00

And I digress.

SPEAKER_02

You disagree. Really?

SPEAKER_00

And I digress, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You why? No.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Oh. Oh. Okay. So, um, my next one.

SPEAKER_02

Just I know you digressed, but I shouldn't get back into it because I want to know why.

SPEAKER_01

You said I want to regress.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Um, just not like my guy. Maybe it's because I just don't like him like personality-wise.

SPEAKER_02

Well, no, he's a he's a dick for sure.

SPEAKER_01

I think for me, I love a personality. Um, besides uh uh Miguel Myers, who has no has no personality, everyone on my like hear me out, they have some type of personality. Or they're fuddy. I think. And I love that.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, I could see that.

SPEAKER_01

So so for me, like if you're a dick, like even if you have like nine-inch slong dong.

SPEAKER_02

Sure.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, thank you. No thank you.

SPEAKER_02

Maybe it's just a fuck. That's it. You're not you're not marrying these people. I know, but I just can't. Trying to catch a dick and leave.

SPEAKER_01

I can't.

SPEAKER_02

Mama, hear me out.

SPEAKER_01

I heard you.

SPEAKER_00

I listened. I I you're valid in your feelings, and we're gonna continue on.

SPEAKER_03

I hate it here.

SPEAKER_02

I had a feeling you were gonna say no. Yeah. I had a feeling.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Speaking of personality, my next one is donkey from shroud.

SPEAKER_02

I could see it. I could see it. He has personality.

SPEAKER_01

He has personality, and I feel like he would have some good donkey dick.

SPEAKER_00

We're too immature for this.

SPEAKER_03

Donkey dick is great.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, sorry I digress.

SPEAKER_03

My nipples are hard. Okay. That was a good one. I love that. Perfect. The donkey took me the fuck out.

SPEAKER_04

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Sorry, y'all. We just had a crying moment.

SPEAKER_00

Man. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, number five.

SPEAKER_00

Go for it.

SPEAKER_02

Art the clown.

SPEAKER_00

I think that's so crazy. Jim's gonna score when he hears this.

SPEAKER_02

Art the clown. Hear me out. Okay. This man is a freak, okay? I just know it. He's a demonic clown.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Um, literally saw my pussy in half. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you. Thank you. I feel like he would so he'd go off like a whole slaughtering spree, right? Right. And then he'd be like, kind of horny about it. So then he would like be like, give me your ass. And you're like, okay. And he'd be like, fucking you, but he's like wearing like titties from someone else. Like from the first movie. He's like wearing some titties and they're bouncing up and down, and then he's not hit like a wig on.

SPEAKER_02

The young ho.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, he's doing the young hoe. The young hoe, and then like the stiffware. The stiffware. All he's like drilling your shit.

SPEAKER_00

And you're just like, ah.

SPEAKER_01

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

I love it.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

I can see it.

SPEAKER_02

I love it.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, my stiffware is crazy. The stiffware waves.

SPEAKER_03

It's Bob.

SPEAKER_01

It's fuck-ass bomb. It's fuck-ass Bob, bitch. If you haven't seen Terrifier, you have to watch the first one. It's so old now that it like it's it's corny, but it's not. It's just so good. And if you don't know what we're talking about, you have to go and watch that.

SPEAKER_02

Go watch it.

SPEAKER_01

And you'll laugh. Yeah, and you'll laugh your ass off.

SPEAKER_02

It's such a good movie. Stiffware.

SPEAKER_01

Stiffware.

SPEAKER_02

Alright, girl.

SPEAKER_01

My last one is Shane from Mulan. And I know that that's probably not a hear me out, but I feel like it kind of is a hear me out if you only like certain like you know there's certain people who only date certain types of like races or certain types of people.

SPEAKER_02

Sure.

SPEAKER_01

So like this is the only one on my list that you'd be like, oh, that doesn't match anything that she just said. But it's because he's like chiseled and big and buff and he's like a hard ass in the beginning, but then he's like, I think what I like about him at the very end is like he becomes a feminist. I love a man who's a feminist.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Go ally, and that's what he is at the end. And so I'm like, you know what? You get it. You get it. And he softens up and he's all about the women, the girls, and the gays.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, whatever you said, sure. I've never seen Mulan, so I have seen it, but it's been so many years. So so long. Do you uh have any extras that you want to throw in there?

SPEAKER_01

Like pick one more? I have an honorable mention. Do you have one?

SPEAKER_02

I do.

SPEAKER_01

Go for it.

SPEAKER_02

My honorable mention is Ghostface. But I'm a slut for that franchise. So and Ghostface? Specifically, I'd say Skeeter. Um God, what's his last name?

SPEAKER_01

No say.

SPEAKER_02

Skeeter, it's Billy and Stu Mocker.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I just don't, I can't remember his real name.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, Skeeter, oh, Skeeter Ulrich.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, as Ghostface, him just chasing around with a knife. Hot.

SPEAKER_00

Hot. Hot. Hot. You're like, I need it. Are you actually gonna stab me or like what?

SPEAKER_02

No, quite literally. Be like, are you gonna stab me? Ooh, yes, please. Right in my ass. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01

With that knife or that knife?

SPEAKER_02

I want both. Both of them.

SPEAKER_00

Both of them.

SPEAKER_02

I want that one.

SPEAKER_01

I love that for you. I uh honorable mention for me is Nala from The Lion King when they're like grown. So it's kind of like your adventure time. I'm like, it's not when they're kids, that's fucking weird. Um, it's when they're grown, and it's the scene where it's like, can you feel the love tonight? They're chasing each other, her and Simba around the fucking She does have fuck me eyes. And then she looks at him when she's looking at the water, she goes, Fuck this pussy.

SPEAKER_02

And I'm like, Imagine what she said though.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. I said, I gotta study those eyes. Damn, you gotta do those eyes. Fuck me eyes. Yeah, so that's where my fuck me eyes developed was Nala from The Lion King.

SPEAKER_02

Every time I hear fuck me eyes, I think of Ethel Kane.

SPEAKER_01

I know, it's one of my favorite songs.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I love her.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that was a good concert.

SPEAKER_02

I wanna go back. I wanna go back. I wanna go see her again.

SPEAKER_00

She was so good.

SPEAKER_02

Uh so should we wrap it up?

SPEAKER_01

I think we should.

SPEAKER_02

Well committed gang. That episode was short and Sweet. Make sure you like, subscribe, and follow. Please, please, please.

SPEAKER_01

Please, please, please. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you. Yes, committee gang, it really does help us out. But also, don't ever send a dick pic on the toilet. Like, why?

SPEAKER_02

Mama, they should be imprisoned.

SPEAKER_01

Agreed. And I experienced this firsthand, obviously, like I just talked about. And to you, straight men doing this, knock it the fuck off.

SPEAKER_02

Sweetie. Anyways, what are you listening to slash watching right now?

SPEAKER_01

So listening to See Through by the Band Camino, it's really good. It's kind of like that alternative rock that I like. Um, I also just watched Maternal Instinct on Netflix. Okay, so I literally shared something on Facebook that said, if you think like that you watched like the worst woman alive on Netflix with their documentaries, I swear to god they put out another documentary like a month later about another woman who's just as worse. This girl faked a pregnancy. And like literally, like, spoiler, if you haven't watched it, you should, but I'm gonna spoil some of it real quick. So she meets a guy. This guy's not cute. He's not cute, and he's a dumb a fuck. But he's a boy, a dumb fuck.

SPEAKER_02

A dumb a fuck.

SPEAKER_01

A d a dumb a fuck.

SPEAKER_02

A dumb a fuck.

SPEAKER_01

A dumb a fuck. So like most men. Like most men. Anyways. So she's like, I got money. I come from money. And he's a dumb redneck. Just wants to be on his right. He just wants to be on his farm. Fuse me. He put up with her shit because he knew he like thought he was gonna get a payout. Okay, spoiler, she has no money. She had a total hysterectomy. Never told him, faked a whole pregnancy, faked the whole like nine months, went into ten months.

SPEAKER_02

Damn.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, apparently he didn't know. That's so weird. Um, and then she had a friend who was pregnant and went to her house and killed her and cut her baby out. What the fuck? And was on the way to the hospital with the baby. Oh. Like she just had a baby. Okay. She's the youngest woman on death row in Texas.

SPEAKER_02

Rightfully so.

SPEAKER_01

Rightfully so. Rightfully. It was a really fucked up case.

SPEAKER_02

That's crazy. I was gonna say it reminded me of uh have you seen Baby Mama with uh Tina Faye? Yes, Amy Bowler, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, as sufficient she doesn't cut out the baby, right?

SPEAKER_02

And she's not actually pregnant.

SPEAKER_01

And she's not actually pregnant.

SPEAKER_02

Well, in the beginning at least.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Spoilers, if you haven't seen it, you should watch it.

SPEAKER_01

What about you? What are you watching? What are you listening to?

SPEAKER_02

So you're gonna be actually gonna be really shocked.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Uh Ellie Ella Langley.

SPEAKER_01

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Uh, I think I'm an Ellis Fella.

SPEAKER_01

You're an Ellis Fella?

SPEAKER_02

I think so.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I love that so.

SPEAKER_02

I kind of love her right now. What song? Choosing Texas.

SPEAKER_01

Choosing Texas academic.

SPEAKER_02

It's catchy, and I I love her like voice and her little hello country accent.

SPEAKER_01

Hello, Alabama country accent.

SPEAKER_02

But yeah, I listen to her. Um so good. And she's hot as fuck, and she got them judo chop bangs.

SPEAKER_00

I fucking love those things.

SPEAKER_02

She just she's gorgeous. Yeah. Um, and then I just currently re-watched uh Heated Rivalry in a span of a day.

SPEAKER_01

This is why your list is so long. Because you go back, you run back shows. You like to run them back.

SPEAKER_02

Girl, that show is so horny.

SPEAKER_01

You're so you were just horny. So what you're telling me is you're just horny.

SPEAKER_02

I'm horny.

SPEAKER_01

Between uh drafting this episode.

SPEAKER_02

I can't wait to see my man tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01

Ew. I love that babe.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I'm Brandon.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm Ashley. And this is technically okay.