Grandma’s Got Happy Hour, You’ve Got Burnout: Let’s Fix That

We tackle the modern sandwich generation with clear talk on role reversals, rising dementia, money tradeoffs, and how to spot caregiver burnout before it breaks a family. We share why senior living can add joy, how to vet help, and the language that makes hard moves easier.

• redefining the sandwich generation and shifting roles
• longer lifespans, earlier cognitive decline, and new care needs
• senior living today versus old nursing home stigma
• moving parents, guilt, money, and multigenerational homes
• signs of caregiver burnout and how to respond
• practical support options and dividing labor
• vetting local resources and avoiding bad advice
• reframing promises and planning for what-ifs
• social connection, meals, and daily routines as medicine

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Transcript

Welcome To Slightly Salty

Voice Over 0:02

Welcome to the Group Tech Goes Live Slightly Salty Edition, where your three favorite troublemakers turn the chaos of the group text into a full-blown weekly show. We're talking real life, real opinions, and just enough sass to keep things interesting. No filters, no perfection. Just three women with big personalities, bold stories, and a habit of saying the quiet parts out loud. So grab your drink, brace yourself, and join us. Because the group chat didn't just spill the tea, it went live.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Okay, here we are.

Redefining The Sandwich Generation

SPEAKER_00 0:36

We're gonna talk about something that I deal with every day. And it'll be interesting to get your perspective on it. So we're gonna talk about the sandwich generation, and I think that people use that in a lot of different ways, but the sandwich generation of the past is not what it is now. So before it used to be like a regular sandwich, now it's like one of those big massive club sandwiches because people are living longer, and you've got you could have great grandma, grandma, mom and dad, adult kids, their kids. Yeah. So you have so many layers there that people are trying to navigate every single day. So it's something that we navigate every day working with seniors and their families. And we were just talking about it before we went on about a huge passion of ours is protecting those people around the fragile person. Because the fragile person, the senior or the person that's ill or having challenges, becomes the focal point. But everybody else is just as important. But that kind of gets put off to the wayside. So usually when we talk about sandwich generation, that is usually we're talking about a senior and then we're talking about, you know, the other people that are involved.

Leanna 2:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

But I think that there's a lot of different parts and pieces to that.

Leanna 2:07

I think it's very interesting that you just said that it looks different now. Because before it was like just very cut and dry. Uh-huh. But I know like for in I'm just in use Jeff situation, his grandma, up until a few months ago, was alive. His parents, then us, then we have adult children. Now we have grandchildren, we still have minor children. Like and it gets to be a point when you're the most adult adult, I guess. Which feels

Layers Of Family And Care

Leanna 2:35

crazy to me because none of us know what we're doing. Right. But you've got all different people looking at you for input and uh help or feedback, whatever that is, and no one really talks about what it's like to have to guide the people that you've always gone to for guidance.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Yeah, there's a whole bunch of there's a whole bunch to unpack there.

Leanna 3:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Because you're used to you're used to them being good. You're used to your parents and grandparents being s the strong people you've known. And then when you see weaknesses, you want to jump in because that's your family. And that is very uncomfortable because that's just not how it goes.

Adrianne 3:23

I think in our generation, I feel like Gen X and Boomers together, you know, we know how our parents parented. Yes. And then now we're trying to help parent and guide. Yes. And I won't say we're the most empathetic generation because we're all so independent. And I feel like that's a whole nother level of stress now because you know, boomer parents are stubborn and we're stubborn, and then you're trying to figure out what's best for them, plus kids and grandkids, and I feel like it is so different

Shifting Roles And Unspoken Guilt

Adrianne 3:56

now than when I saw my grandmother when she was older, and my mom was one of ten. So there was a lot of family to help, also.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

And you know, Anara and there's two of us, and that's well, and the difference too is that in the past, like when I was younger and my mom was potentially my age, and dad my age or younger, I mean, it wasn't unusual for wives to stay home. It wasn't a two-working family for the most part, and people retired earlier, so there were other people to help their people. You know, now everybody is hanging on for dear life, and you've got pretty much everyone in the system working way later. You've got people that are, I mean, I could all the time I hear my seniors when I talk to them about, you know, what do you want for your next steps? Like, how can I support you, no matter what's going on, to live your best life? And if I had a dollar for every time I sat across from somebody and they said, I didn't think I was gonna live this long.

Leanna 5:04

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Like they didn't think that they would have to worry about the money, worry about other people taking care of them, worry about being this health compromised, or just worrying about being that old to them. And that weighs heavy on them. And then, you know, everybody really is. I mean, I know from the families we work with, they're just really hanging on. They're trying to support their kids, which is a different trajectory. I mean, I know we've talked about it. We got married, I got married and had kids later than most of my friends. So, you know, you also have kids that are in their 20s and 30s saying, I'm not ready to have kids yet. So everything is just very different trying to navigate all of that and stay married and stay healthy and have friends and have a life and make sure they're doing all the things that they need to do. And also a big part of that, too, is that there is no doubt that cognitive impairment, Alzheimer's, and dementia is absolutely double and triple what it used to be.

Leanna 6:13

Right. I know there's been a lot of change in the last few years, thankfully, in what the the living situation options are. Yes. Right? When my grandparents, I remember my great grandparents had a stroke, then they immediately went into a home. And that home was, I remember being, I don't know, it was like 12 or 13. It was scary. Yeah, it was dark, and you know what I mean? People were left like in the hall and attended, like just there was a stigma around it, right? But

Stubbornness, Stress, And Fewer Helpers

Leanna 6:46

the nursing home thing. Yes, the nursing home thing. And it has there's been so much change and so much progress there. But I know that it's difficult because you don't necessarily want to leave your home, right? But as a kid, and I'm I don't think we've talked about this, but my mom passed from cancer when she was 46. So at this point, I've now outlived my mom, which blows my mind because I feel so young and I know she didn't get that far. But I had my grandma and you know, that kind of stuff. And then Jeff's parents are now, by God's grace, alive and well and healthy. And we just moved them into a facility that a senior community. A senior, sorry, senior community. I know I'm gonna get it wrong. But this place, we went and toured it. Yeah, sign me up. Oh, I know. They were like, I don't know. And Jeff and I are like, can we go? Like, it is so like it's amazing. That said, it's really hard to have conversations. Now, thankfully, they were at a point where they knew that they wanted additional help. They live back east, we're here. They knew that, you know, they didn't want to be a burden on anyone. And they took that step. But how do you facilitate hard conversations saying, like, hey, you might need additional care?

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Well, nobody likes to be told that. Nobody does. I mean, I get sent in as the bad guy with a lot of families.

Leanna 8:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

To be like, you tell her she has to move, or you tell him he's got to get help in the house. But but it is, it's a just a narrative that we never expected. Nobody said in high school, now you're gonna go to home ac and then you're gonna go to the class to talk about when your parents get older and start acting like five-year-olds. And nobody, nobody did that. But then again, too, the stressors of like with the sandwich generation and talk to real estate, is that I do have a lot of families that will sell a senior loved one's house and then they'll buy a next gen house and then everybody's living together because they think that that is probably the better route to go. And for some people it is, but for some it just adds another layer of stressors there.

Adrianne 8:55

And I think sometimes it's good temporarily. Yes. But at some point, they either

Longevity, Money Fears, And Delayed Milestones

Adrianne 9:00

have to have someone come in and help them, unless you're truly gifted in being a caregiver, nursing, that type of thing, you know. I feel like for my mom, she knows that the next step will be, you know, independent living and then, you know, whatever's needed, because I am not that person and I want her to have the best care possible that she could have as she gets older. But I think not everyone does have those conversations. Like my mom will tell her, so she says, Well, Adrienne's already said that I'm going blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, Yep, we got a plan. Like, yes.

Leanna 9:33

I already told my kids, please don't, please do not have me live with you. I don't want to live with you. No. I do not, because they will leave me and forget me. Like, put me somewhere with a little bingo, a little target run, a little something.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

And that's the conversations that everyone, I think, needs to have. Like, you need to have the gift of having those conversations. But as we sit right now, we've got, I mean, I've got a 99-year-old gal that, you know, she thinks she's 100% independent. And her dear friend, who's amazing and helping her because she doesn't have a lot of family, is like, this is not the case. So the battle is, you know, you can't stay here. What is the next step? So I'm dealing with 99 and 100 year olds. So when we talk about the sandwich generation, you know, I've seen people get impacted health-wise all the way down to grandkids. Grandkids are worried about their grandma and great grandma. They're worried about their mom and dad. They see the differences, they're not around a lot. There's a whole bunch of things going on. So this is something that impacts every age group within that system. So I always, when people talk about the sandwich generation, I think it's like a like a buzzword now because the senior industry is is, especially in Arizona, growing so dramatically. And, you know, people they use that come to a sandwich generation event. We're gonna give you all the resources. It's like a a buzzword, you know, whatever that may be, but it's real. And we were talking about caregiver breakdown, and we're talking about the stressors of, you know, what does this look like for an entire family? And, you know, key things are communication, being real, finding trusted resources to dig in with you, and being real about your situation and your life. Because if you don't do that, you are no good to anybody else. How do you?

Leanna 11:40

And I'm just trying to navigate this. Again, by God's grace, my in-laws are doing a fantastic job and making things significantly easier for the people.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

And they're also in a financial situation because of smart decisions they make to have that choice. Yes. But there is a lot of seniors that are

Dementia’s Rise And Better Options

SPEAKER_00 11:58

not in that financial situation to make that choice. And that adds more stressors to everyone in the system.

Leanna 12:07

What would you what advice would you give to a caregiver who may be feeling overwhelmed, but uh there's not really any room for a break.

unknown 12:19

Uh-huh.

Leanna 12:19

If someone's living with you, God God failed to give me any empathy. I might have a splash, like just a drop real quick. So I know they shouldn't be living with me. Like no one should be living with me at any point. But if that's the only option, or they did, they purchased a next gen house. Now you're in a payment. Real estate right now is probably not the easiest to get in and out of. What do you do if you're overwhelmed? You feel guilty for saying I need help, or they need help. I can't they don't have those next resources. A, how do you identify that someone you love as a caregiver might be burning out? And then what advice do you give them?

SPEAKER_00 13:04

Well, uh-huh. Everybody goes to Facebook on this one.

Leanna 13:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:09

And that is a wonderful thing, but it's also a really bad thing. Because unfortunately, there's a lot of people that have some self-serving things that are involved in when they give people resources. So I would never tell anybody not to reach out. Reaching out is like really important because you need to feel like you're not alone. Because especially caregivers, it's a 24-7 thing. They're not sleeping, they're not eating well, they're exhausted. The majority of them, by the time they reach out, they are at the end. Because we just love each other. So when somebody that you love is ill, you want to help them no matter what. And you don't realize, like I tell people all the time, like it's kind of like when you get married and you're really at your fighting weights, and then after a year you're a little chubbier, but nobody notices because everybody's kind of in this lovey system. You just can't see it. And that I think is when community comes in, when a friend or somebody would say, Hey, I'm seeing, I miss you. You're not around as much. How can I help you? You know, like reaching out and having that sense of community is really important. And not very often is it that we can't find some resource to help. And sometimes it's about changing the dynamic. Sometimes it is being less prideful and asking for help because I've seen so many families where there are extended

Moving To Senior Communities

SPEAKER_00 14:39

family, but it's one person that puts themselves in that position and that becomes their new identity. And then they don't let anybody else help until they are at the end of their rope. And then and then the stressor's already there. So, I mean, I would love to say that there's one answer for this, but it is about we're all aging, we're all gonna need help. People plan in their lives for college, for marriages, for financial planning, but they don't plan about aging in the what-ifs. And these are conversations that families need to have. They really need to have. What does this look like? I mean, my and I have that conversation a lot, and she has set up her life to be like, I don't want to ever be a burden on you guys. And we talk about it. I mean, you we talk about the what ifs, and she's planned really well for that, and that's wonderful. Does she know that she's the Sophia in our golden girls? Yes. I mean, she it took her a whole bunch of years to even talk about what I did because I think she thought if I if she said it out loud, I was gonna throw her in a community, but God help that community friendly shows up, it'll be the mockingest place around town. But it's just it's different. And honestly, for us, like you said, I mean, I think I think 55 plus communities and assisted living are amazing. If I don't have to hear the what's for dinner, I don't care, what's for dinner, I don't care, because then we just go to dinner and you order whatever you want. But it's that generation that's in the later 60s, 70s, 80s on up that just doesn't like having those conversations. We have to push that. Yeah. And, you know, it's just very, it's very different out there. There's more options, there's more out there. I would love to say there's more resources for lower income seniors, but there is less. But that doesn't mean there aren't any. And that's where, you know, just reaching out, understanding there's people like us out there, my team, there's other people out there that help, like, you know, just having real conversations about the what-ifs. Because I would love to say that nothing is ever gonna happen to me, but I know that something could happen to me as I age, and I have to talk about that. So circling back to your question, I wish there was one answer or one piece of advice, but being real about it and and everybody's gotta watch out for each other in this situation. And we always want to honor people. And I tell people when I meet with them, I've had families say, I promised them I would never do this to them.

Hard Conversations About Care

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Yeah. But you did that when they were healthy. When things happen, then those promises aren't the same later as they were prior.

Leanna 17:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

And that's the guilt and the pieces that people will take when they're trying to help their senior loved one. You know, and and it could go either way. I mean, I've I've helped people that are in their 30s and 40s with traumatic brain injuries because of accidents. True. And so it just isn't the senior population. You know, we have to be prepared across the board to deal with, you know, caring for loved ones. And how does this impact the entire family? Because I've had seniors that have wanted to go to assisted living, but they're afraid because maybe they're one of their children who are an adult lost a job or a grandchild's trying to get through college, that now that money they would do for assisted living or for them to move into a senior living community, now they're holding on to it because they don't know how how they need to help out. Oh wow.

Adrianne 18:29

So there's a lot to unpack when it comes to I feel like on that comment though, is how selfish of the family, you know, because even like with my mom, I know she has amazing, you know, retirement, equity, whatever. And I'm like, that's your money. Yes. Like I want you to be in the best facility. I don't care if there's not a dime left for us. You worked all those years, you made those investment decisions. Like none of that is mine. Like I get frustrated when families talk that way because I think they earned it, they earn to live wherever, the best place they can live and not be stuck in their home because you know the family's counting down how much money is gonna be for each person or anything like that.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Because that's not I agree with you, but unfortunately, there's a lot of seniors that look and or people like I would even say that when I look at my kids that are in their 20s and you know, like m even my granddaughter coming up, I kind of navigate and look and go, okay, I've lived up to now and look at all the experiences that I've been blessed to have. If I see them truly struggling, I would give up for them. Because I kind of look and say, I I've had that opportunity, they haven't. And and not everybody does that. I get that. And I'm the same way. I'm like, mom, don't leave us any money. I just want you smiling all over the world, please, because I've seen what money does to families. I've had families, I had one family with 12 kids, and they fought, they were literally fighting over a $1,200 trailer. So people will grow up and be adults, but they're kids when these kind of things happen, and that's how they navigate things. But I agree. I mean, it is a very challenging, I mean, we're gonna have to deal with it more and more. Arizona is gonna be more 65 and older than 65 and younger, and we're all gonna have to navigate this with each other.

Multigenerational Housing Tradeoffs

SPEAKER_00 20:28

And this is where I caution people that when you are reaching out for resources, vet the resources that you're reaching out to, really do your due diligence, meet with people, talk with them, you know, online search entities out there. If they never take the time to actually sit with you and talk with you and they're local and boots on the ground and they understand the lay of the land, then steer away from that.

Voice Over 21:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

Because you need somebody that's gonna walk through journeys with you, whether that's short or not. But the families need, I mean, this is I don't know anybody that isn't dealing with this.

Leanna 21:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

I don't know, and and I'm talking personally, not in the business, but just personally, I don't really know anybody that isn't or hasn't at one time or another had to navigate a family member through a health crisis or something that was going on and trying to just be like, I don't have the time. Oh my gosh, what am I gonna do? Yeah.

Leanna 21:33

So would you when it's when you think it's your mom's time to go to a independently vacation, senior senior community, environment, whatever that may be an amazing place that makes you fantastic meals. That's what I'm so hung up on. I'm my in laws are in. Right, all the events they have. I know, I'm so jealous. But do you will you lean on Your mom to tell you? Or do you think you would have to tell her, like, uh you have to do that?

Adrianne 22:05

I would have to tell her. I think knowing my mom and how independent she has always been, I will have to pry the keys out of those hands for the car, and I will have to be the one that says it's time.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

Oh, I would have to drug Franny Smartini. Oh, really? Completely.

Adrianne 22:22

Yeah. My I mean my mom's an introvert, so her just even thinking about all those people being there would stress her out. Where I'm on the other end where I feel like, why be in your home all alone when you could walk down and at least interact with people or just have human interaction other than you know, waiting for us to come and see you or talk to you.

Leanna 22:43

Yeah.

Adrianne 22:43

So I see those type of places differently where I think it would be healthier to not be in your home

Planning Ahead And Setting Boundaries

Adrianne 22:48

by yourself all the time. But I will have to be yeah, it no, it'll be me being like, hey, it's time.

Leanna 22:54

Really?

Adrianne 22:54

Mm-hmm.

Leanna 22:55

Wow. I'm so glad my in-laws made it easy for us because I don't know how we would have that conversation. Dude, where they're at has happy hour every day at four o'clock. Two, three drinks eat. Like, I'm like, what?

Adrianne 23:06

We just had a couple that you guys placed, and it's off the a catillo, I can't remember the place, but I went over there and they were showing me the menu, and he's like, we go down twice a day. He's like, sometimes we do breakfast and then we do dinner, or sometimes we do lunch, and then we go down again for dinner. And I'm like, that's amazing. Like they he was helping take care of his wife and their home. And then now he had to have a surgery and his health in a snap. He looks like he's aged 20 years. And he was he was like a healthy young in his 80s type of guy doing yard work. One surgery took him down. I mean, he probably lost 30 pounds and and them being there, you know, he doesn't have to worry about her in eating, and she doesn't have to worry about him. Like they can walk down and get food or they have their kitchen. And I think just even that, you know, being there and visiting, just walking around and they could see the people. And and another one you guys place, and she was sick and she was all upset. She's like, I've been up here for two weeks. She's like, I don't want to go down and take a chance getting someone sick. But you could tell, like, she had lost her husband, she was at home by herself. She moved, now she's used to seeing people. And then now she was like, I'm stuck here because I'm sick and I don't want to get anyone sick. And that you could see, like, she's already, when I first met her at her house, she her and her husband together, I want to say it was like 65 years. Wow. And so to go from having someone all the time to being by herself, that place made such a difference for her that she at least there was people around. You don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

And truly, we want everyone to live their best lives. So when when in a family system, when one person is compromised and everyone is focused on that, it impacts everyone. And the minute that we start resourcing and really helping that person, it really helps everyone. And then everybody's coming to the table healthy and happy and still probably stressed out because that's just the way life is. But it's a lot easier when people are being real about how to navigate this. And and again, like I said, it is only going to continue this way because people are living well into their 80s, 90s, and 100s. Yeah. So it, you know, we are we're going

Spotting Caregiver Burnout

SPEAKER_00 25:19

to have to address this and be real about it. And, you know, people are getting cognitive impairment much earlier than we've ever seen before. You have people in their 50s who are what we would say mid-stage and wow, it's scary. It and they're very physically healthy. So that adds a whole different dynamic. So it's about education. And I love like just the kind of things in the different cities where they're doing dementia task forks and they're doing a lot of things that have to do with cognitive awareness to help people be able to get resources and understand all of it. But yeah, the sandwich generation is not a normal sandwich anymore. And everybody's got to really help each other through it because, like I told you guys, I am very, very sensitive to caregiver burnout, and it is real. And I have seen people pass before the ones that they are taking care of, and it is heartbreaking. So it's just everybody being real. And you know what it's about? Aging your best way, and no matter what goes on. And everybody just dingled.

Adrianne 26:28

We're all going to be in the same assisted living at the happy hours. We'll be like, happy hours starts at three.

SPEAKER_00 26:32

Oh, we laugh about what happy hours, what is assisted. When we go into assisted living now, we're still kind of hearing, we're seeing gunsmoke, and we're still kind of hearing Elvis and all like I love them all. Frank, I love all those. But I'm laughing because I'm thinking when we all get to assisted living, it's gonna be like Snoop Dogg. He's very good. They turns and have like 80s rock going through it. It's gonna be crazy. I'm gonna go to the 90s rap room. I'll see you guys at first. What I was gonna say. Even if the doctor said I can't have Prosecco, I will do it. Right for that order all day long.

Leanna 27:04

You know, I think after you get to be a certain age, the rules don't apply anymore. Right. If you can't, you know what? If you want to drink, whatever. Right. Like you did the hard stuff. You don't have people to that you're responsible for anymore. You don't have all of these responsibilities.

SPEAKER_00 27:19

Oh, they're having fun and assisted living. I know. They're having a lot of if especially if you're a boy, if you've got all your teeth and you can walk around, you're good to go.

Adrianne 27:29

I love that. There was a le we went to do bingo at one of them, and there was a lady that that said there was there was a couple, they were dancing and stuff, and there was ladies at this other table, and it was so funny. She's like, Oh, she's the new girl. Yeah. And that guy really likes him, but he used to like her. I it was literally like my own soap opera. I was up on the balcony, I was like, What? I'm like, and what happened? And so I was so it was so fun. They were living their best life down there. Live man, drinking, dancing. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

But just reach out, reach out if you anybody, and sometimes that person can't see it. So if you're a grandkid or a friend, reach out and say, Can I help you? or I need to meet you, or because a lot of times when I when people say, Can I help

Real Help Vs Risky Advice Online

SPEAKER_00 28:12

you? the easy answer is no, I'm fine.

Leanna 28:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

So you've got to insert yourself, you've got to ask questions because we want everybody in that sandwich to be good.

Adrianne 28:23

Perfect. Let's end on that note. That's it.

Leanna 28:25

Sweet.

Voice Over 28:25

See you guys next time. And that's a wrap on today's episode of the Group Chat Goes Live, Slightly Salty Edition. If you laughed, cringed, nodded along, or mentally texted your bestie, good. That means we did our job. Make sure you follow, subscribe, and slide into our DMs with your own slightly salty stories. You know we love the chaos. Until next time, keep your group chat spicy and the real world slightly saltier.