Why Identity Transitions Require Containment (Not Willpower)

High-achieving women often believe they need more discipline to move through burnout and life transitions.

But identity change doesn’t respond well to willpower.

In this episode, Shaina explores why the most disorienting phase of transformation is the in-between space—when the identity that built your success begins to loosen but the next version of your life hasn’t fully formed yet.

Instead of pushing harder, this phase requires something different: containment.

We explore why meaningful change often requires structured support and how creating space for reflection can stabilize the transition.

If you’ve been feeling unsettled during a period of growth, this episode will help you understand why.

Work With Me

If this episode gave you language for something you’ve been noticing in your work or your life and you’re still sorting through what to do with it, you don’t have to figure that out on your own.

I offer Alignment Calls for women who are beginning to see things more clearly but aren’t interested in rushing into decisions or making dramatic changes.

These conversations are a space to think through what’s actually going on, what you’re continuing to choose, and what a more aligned next step could look like for you.

If that’s something you want support with, you can book a call through the link in the show notes.

https://calendly.com/shainajonescoaching/alignment-call 

Website: https://www.shainajonescoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:12

What if burnout isn't the problem, but the signal that the way you've been succeeding no longer fits? Welcome to the Era of Alignment. I'm Shayna Jones McGrohn, and this podcast is for high-achieving women who look successful on paper but feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or quality disconnected from the lives they've built. If you've tried rough, boundaries, time off, or pushing through, or nothing ultimately changed, this space is for you. Here, we don't treat burnout as weakness, we treat it as information. Each episode will name what's really happening beneath burnout, while the old models of success stop working for capable women, and what alignment requires when you're no longer willing to override yourself. Because burnout is the signal and alignment is the shift. Over the past two episodes, we've been exploring something that many high-achieving women encounter but rarely have language for. First, we talked about what happens after clarity. Because clarity is often treated like the solution to burnout. But for many women, clarity doesn't create immediate movement. Instead, it destabilizes the identity that built their success. Because once you see that something in your life no longer fits, the structure that once made it make sense begins to shift. Then last time we talked about another pattern that often appears after clarity. Waiting. Waiting for permission, waiting for confirmation, waiting for the right moment. And how burnout often persists when women outsource their authority. But today I want to talk about something that happens next. Because reclaiming your authority doesn't immediately resolve the transition. In fact, once authority returns, many women enter a phase that can feel surprisingly disorienting. It's the phase where you know something needs to change, but the next version of your life isn't fully formed yet. It's that liminal space. And most high-achieving women often try to solve this phase with willpower. You remember that. You're familiar with it, aren't you? It's more discipline, more focus, more effort. But identity transitions don't respond well to willpower. They require something different. They require containment. High achieving women are often taught that if something feels difficult, the solution is discipline. You have to just push through, work harder, stay focused, be resilient. And those qualities are exceptionally powerful and they have their place. They're part of what allows high performers to build meaningful careers and beautiful lives. But there are certain types of challenges where discipline stops working. And identity transitions are often one of them. Because discipline works best when the structure of your life is stable, when you know the direction, when the goals are clear, and when the path is identified. But identity transitions happen when the structure itself is shifting. The role that once fits you no longer fits. The way you define success no longer feels right. And the pace that once felt normal now feels unsustainable. In those moments, discipline alone can't guide you forward because the map itself is changing. And trying to force clarity through willpower often creates more tension, not less. Identity transitions place women into what I often think of as an in-between space. You heard me refer to it earlier as a liminal space. You're no longer fully identified with what life you built, but the next version of you hasn't yet stabilized. That old structure doesn't fit, but the new structure isn't fully formed. And that space can feel deeply. Especially for women who are used to competence, used to clarity, used to knowing exactly what they're doing. Because in this phase, you're often operating without those familiar signals. You may feel less certain, less decisive, less clear about the future. And many women interpret that experience as failure. They think something is wrong with them. They think they've lost their edge. But what they're actually experiencing is transition. The identity that once organized their life is loosening, and the next identity is still emerging. That's not failure. That's evolution. One of the things I see often is that high-achieving women try to manage identity transitions the same way they manage everything else in their life. I know I did. They do it through effort. They think if I push past this phase, if I just do this, if I just stay disciplined, if I just keep working, everything will stabilize again. But identity transitions rarely respond to pressure. Pressure tends to create more internal resistance. Because identity change is not just logistical, it's emotional. It involves grief. Letting go of the version of you who carried your life for years. Letting go of the story you once believed would continue. Letting go of the identity that once made sense. And grief doesn't resolve through discipline, it resolves through space. There was a period in my own life where I experienced this tension very directly. When I left legal practice, I assumed that once that decision was made, everything would quickly become clear for me. But that's not what happened. For a while, I found myself in that in-between space that I spoke about. It was very difficult for me. I often was not sure what to do, was not sure how to move forward because the identity that I had built around being an attorney had been my life for so long and it had shaped my life in so many ways. It was my work, it was a large part of my sense of competence, it was certainly how other people perceived me. Often the first thing they thought about in relation to me. And when that identity started loosening, there was a period where I felt completely unsettled. Now, it wasn't chaotic, but it wasn't peaceful either. Okay. I was I was in no way fully formed or fully sure about what was next and who the next version of Shana was going to be. And my instinct was to try to force that clarity, to try to force myself out of that liminal space because that was what I was used to doing with everything. That was what made me such a good attorney, right? I mean, I tried to think my way through it. I was, I just had to get a structure around it. There was some discipline. If I just hunkered down and and and and forced my way, I was gonna get to what it was that I was trying to get to, and it just didn't work like that. I was shocked, frankly. But you know what I eventually realized was that this kind of transition is not that it didn't need more pressure, all the pressure that I was putting on it wasn't doing anything, and so at some point I had to try something different, right? You can't keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So I had to do something different, and eventually I just I let go, you know. I just stopped, I stopped trying to push, I stopped trying to force. I became okay with just being unsure, with not having the answers, with having some space to think, or frankly, maybe some space really to not think about it. Sometimes that was the best for me.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Just stop thinking about it at this point, stop letting my mind go around in circles, and just take some space to process where I was, you know, and it was the space that really let the next version of my life emerge, and it had to emerge in its own time, and and and and I couldn't rush it. I tried, but the rushing didn't help, and it was going through that process myself that gave me the realization that helped me to really change how I understood transformation because identity change, true identity change, you know, the one that happens at the real deep soul level, maybe even the cellular level, it doesn't happen through force, it happens through that space to let it be.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

That containment of just allowing it to be and let it happen. Now, containment is not something that most people talk about when they talk about personal growth. But what I've found and what I've seen in others is that it's one of the most important elements of meaningful change. Containment simply means having a structured space where transition can unfold safely, a space where you can think clearly, a space where your experience is reflected back to you. It's a space where you're not constantly reacting to external pressure. That was also key for me. I really did have to shut down uh or or um create uh really in a lot of ways a bubble around myself from letting certain external things persons, places, or or or things influence me while I was in that space and keep me distracted from really being in the space to process what was not going to come with me and who I was becoming.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

And what I what I've seen through my personal experience and with other women is that when women try to move through identity changes without containment, they often feel very scattered.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

They second guess themselves, they oscillate between bold decisions and retreat you know, sometimes two steps forward, one step back, or maybe in this instance it's two steps forward and three steps back, right? They question whether they're making the right move, and they often delay the process of moving to that new identity by trying to rush it instead of taking the real space and time necessary in order to move it forward, having that containment space to move it forward. Containment stabilizes that process of identity shift, identity change, movement, transformation, and that's because it provides perspective, it allows space for reflection, and it provides enough steadiness for the next chapter of your life to truly begin to take shape.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

You know, there's a cultural narrative that meaningful change should be done alone. In some ways, it's part of um I think that our culture of individualism, our culture of stoicism. Um, I think that's part of it. Um I think it's also part of, you know, the concept of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

If you didn't do it alone, you don't deserve it. I think there are several things that go into that, um, you know, that that that can be explored, and and several other things I haven't mentioned, but um I I do think that that is a cultural thing here in the United States. And I and I think also for women, um particularly because of the fight that women have had to go through in this country for some semblance of equal rights, equal pay, equal recognition, the fight that we're still fighting, that there's also for women this desire to or uh thought that we must do it alone. We can't show anyone else what's happening because that's gonna undo all of the good work that we've done.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

There's that concept that the strong woman should figure things out independently. But what I've also seen, and what I think is the truth, is that many of the most profound transformations that happen in life happen inside of supportive containers. Whether that's mentorship or coaching or group environments, spaces designed specifically for reflection, transition, and support. And of course, it's certainly not because women are incapable of coming to their own conclusions alone, thinking things through for themselves. But it's because identity change is a big change, it is complex, and it is often helpful to have others who are able to hold that space with you, mirror things for you, provide feedback to move you on your journey faster than you might have done alone. What I've also seen is that often navigating it alone extends the confusion. I've felt that myself, I've lived that myself.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Containment, however, shortens the transition, and it's not by rushing the process, but rather stabilizing it so that it has a space to play out in a safe, supportive way.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

If you've been in that in-between space for a while where you know something in your life is shifting, but the next version of you hasn't fully stabilized, I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you. You're not losing your clarity that something's off, that something needs to shift. You're certainly not losing your capability in your life. But you are experiencing transition. And transitions require containment. If you're navigating that space right now and you like structured support while you think through what's next, I offer alignment calls. They're designed to create a calm, reflective space where we can look at what's changing in your life and how to move forward with intention. You can book one through the link in the show notes. Until next week, be gentle with yourself if you're in the in-between. It's often the place where the next chapter of your life begins.