13: Running on Empty: Sleep Deprivation Pt.1

Today we’re talking about sleep deprivation as a single mom. Not in a “just go to bed earlier” kind of way—but in a real, honest, lived-experience way.

Because when you’re parenting alone, sleep isn’t just rest.
It’s a resource.
And for many single moms, it’s in constant short supply.

So let’s talk about what sleep deprivation really looks like, how it affects you, and how to support yourself without shame.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to Single Mom Honey, the podcast dedicated to single moms with a focus on health and money and everything in between.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I'm Quaylin. Oh man, again. I didn't did it again. I'm Quaylin. I focus on the health.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

I Isha and I focus on the money. So you ready to get into this tea quay? Absolutely. Alright. So today we're going to be talking about something that all single moms know, unfortunately, too well. Alright? Yeah. And it's one of those things where I mean, I won't even say you know it because you don't get to know it. You don't get to know it.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

You used to know it. Remember that commercial, the NyQuil commercial? Sleep like you never slept. No, no. It says sleep like you slept before you had kids. Then they are just in these fluffy ass beds and they're like, you know. Yeah. Well, that that cloud does not exist after you have kids.

SPEAKER_02 0:53

It does when you're on vacation and you want to go and do all the things, but now you probably got some downtime and what is a vacation coma. Listen, the sleep that I get on vacations now when I'm way from my children is like unmatched. It is and I was like, dang, I just slept my whole vacation away. I was like, well, I guess it was worth it. Okay, I did a couple things here and there. So we're talking about running on empty, sleep deprivation, and the reality of single motherhood. Yeah. So if you're listening to this while exhausted, while yawning, while feeling like you're barely holding it together, this episode was this episode is for us. I wouldn't even say it's for you, it's for us.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

If you woke up today and you had mom brained, this episode is for you.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Yeah. Yes. Today we're talking about sleep and deprivation as a single mom, not in just not in a just go to bed earlier kind of way, but in a real honest, like lived experience kind of way. Because when you're parenting alone, sleep isn't just rest, you know, it's a resource. And for many single moms, it's in constant short supply. So let's talk about what sleep deprivation really looks like, how often it affects you, and how to support yourself without shame.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

We're gonna talk about the reality of sleep deprivation. Now, sleep deprivation isn't just being tired. Now, I'm sure you've experienced this. I feel like I am constantly tired. I sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel. I sometimes wake up and feel like I am just cycling, like I'm caught in a like time warp or like in a in a time loop. Is that what it was? Yeah, every day. Wake up doing the same thing. I wake up feeling exhausted, feeling foggy, forgetful. That's called mom brain.

SPEAKER_02 2:44

I thought that would have gone away during the newborn stage, though. Like I didn't know it stayed around.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

I think that's when you first notice it during the newborn stage. Like I used to go to the grocery store and I'd park and I'd come back out and have no idea where I parked. My God. It was to me too. It was bad. And I mean, still to this day, I feel like that happens to me. It's unfortunate. You know, when you're tired, it also makes you a little cranky. So you could be like snappy, a little, a little grumpy. Um, and then that results in you feeling guilty. Also, you know, when you're tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're tired and your hormones are all all over the place, you know, you can also be like an emotional basket case because like you're so tired you can't even think straight. So, like, you know, you might just be popping off at anything. Unfortunately, for single moms, there's no tap-out partner. This is WWE, WWF. You're just fighting the whole fight by your goddamn self.

SPEAKER_02 3:47

You, your coach, you, your trainer, you the referee. Knocking yourself out. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

There's no one to take the night shift. And I know this, like, for me, even though my kids are a little older now, I remember when they were younger and they would get sick. Lord have mercy. It was like they were popping up like popcorn. One was coughing, I get one to sleep, the next one was coughing, back to sleep, the other two pop back up. And this whole time, I ain't got no sleep. And I still gotta get up in the morning, go to work, and do everything because you still have all those expectations, whether you're sleep deprived or not. You're expected to perform at 100% at work while you're mommy.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

And if you don't perform 100% at work, Lord have mercy because she's a mom. That's why she can't invest up the management because you know she's a human being. Responsibilities.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

We don't want that.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Exactly. You still have to show up for everybody, even when you're running on E, running on fumes. Like you have to be a superhero, but even superheroes need sleep. And we gotta remember that.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

Yeah. Everyone has to recharge.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

So needing sleep is not a weakness. I mean, you're either gonna go to sleep willingly, or your buddy's gonna shut off.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Girl, it's been many a times where I woke up on the couch slumped over and had a no idea. I have laundry, a laundry basket right next to me, and I have no idea how long I have been asleep. I have no idea. It's just you wake up and you kind of have one of those breaths. You gotta take a deep breath of, oh my gosh, what happened? And then you'd sore because you was all in the crazy position, all curled up, like you still flexible, like a newborn. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Absolutely. But one of the things, one of the key things we got to remember when it comes to sleep deprivation, it is also very dangerous.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Come on, nurse practitioner.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

And just wanted to share a personal story. When I was a single mom while technically married, sleep deprivation like almost really took me out.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

I was working night shift at the hospital, and my oldest, she was like doing dance competitions at the time. I was working two jobs, doing everything else. I went to work to do the night shift and knew that my daughter had a practice all day the next day. Now, if I had a co-parent, or I guess at that time I should have had a partner, you know, we could have split the load, but I was still a single married woman. Single mom slash married woman on paper or whatever, you know. And anyway, I go to work, I come back, and this is the one thing, when you work night shift or you work all day, like you don't really get a break. So you have to be intentional with your breaks or reach out to your community. But at this time, I didn't have the help that I needed.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

I went to work, came, took my daughter to her practice. I was trying to nap during the practice, but she needed me to change her costumes and do her makeup, and I didn't have any help. It was just a lot on me. But I had to return back to work that night. So basically, I was up for over 24 hours, and at that point, you are pretty much crazy. On the way to uh, I mean, I I was pretty much just out of it, you know, and I was still trying to survive because, you know, when I get back to work, I'm still expected to perform at a high standard because at that time I was a bedside nurse. You know, I got to work and I was fighting for my life at work. I was fighting for my life.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

That you felt loopy, felt like you were.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

I drank so much coffee that I had heartburn because I was trying to stay up. Wow. And then I had this whole plan that I was gonna take a nap in my car before I drove to pick up the kids. Now, could the partner, their donor, have picked them up? Absolutely, but all the parenting was left up to me. No matter what suggestions I made, the the he was available or not, it was just like it was on me, period. I remember getting through that shift and I was in tears. I was going to the bathroom like crying. I was so tired, I was crying. Had to come back out, wipe my ass. I'm over there trying to put paper towels on my face. I remember like I was so tired. Like I was like straight up um at my med cart and my knees were buckling. And I'm like, I gotta get through this, gotta get home to the kids. I'll just take a nap when I get to my car. Now, mind you, that was the plan. But when you are this tired, you get mom brain. I got to my car, forgot the whole plan because I was already exhausted.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:10

And I started driving. And I was fighting to get to the house because it wasn't really that. I had to pick the kids up there at my my father's house at the time. He was babysitting when their father could have had them. But again, you know, it was all on me.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Enough said.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

I got I was driving to my father's house and I didn't make it. About two minutes away from my father's house, I passed out in the vehicle.

SPEAKER_02 8:33

While driving?

SPEAKER_00 8:35

While driving. Yes. Hit about four or five other cars. Yes. And I broke my hand. I got a boxer's fracture fracture. So, like, if I put my fist up, I don't know if you can see the difference. Boxer's fracture was here. So I don't really have a knuckle on this side. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Um, and then my hand was swollen. The, you know, everybody called the cops because they're like, How did this woman crash in broad daylight? And I remember them coming to the car, they're like, Have you been drinking? I was like, No, I worked the night shift. They were like, Oh, poor baby. And I was like, I think I broke my hand. They was like, Are you sure? So I could see it swelling. You know, when I got to the hospital, they had to saw off my wedding ring, you know. And I should have taken that as a sign, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:16

Girl, I said, That ain't a sign or a symbol. I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

Was talking and I'm like, oh, they're gonna cut it. Can I get it fixed? Girl, there was no fixing that shit. My hand was broke. And, you know, I always remember to this day, even after breaking my hand, the person who was supposed to be my partner did not help me. I had they put a cast on my hand, but it wasn't a removable cast. I tried to go to work with it. They were like, you cannot work like that, you know? And I had just started in a new position, so I couldn't really call off. And it was just, it was a lot. So I had to go back to the ER and ask for a removable cast. And I worked for I worked for about eight, nine weeks with a broken hand. That is you know, so anyway, I'm saying all I can say. Like, sleep is everything, especially when you are a single mom. Like your kids are dependent on you and you are dependent on you. So you gotta make sure that you have the village that you need so that you can get the rest that you need, because you're not a superhero. And if you fall asleep behind the wheel or doing something you're supposed to do, I mean, your whole livelihood is at jeopardy. You and your children. I always thank your life. Yes, yes, your life. I always thank God that I hadn't picked up the kids and then fell asleep. You know, because I would have never forgave myself.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

I was the only person injured in the accident, but there were a whole lot of a lot of side mirrors though.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

Oh, you know what's crazy? I was hitting them and waking up like, what was that? And going back to sleep. Yes, my body, my body straight shut off. He was like, girl, you thought we were playing. The plan was to take a nap in the car. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

She only listened look, I'm going straight.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

I'm done. So let's talk about why single moms struggle with sleep.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Yeah, single moms definitely struggle with sleep because let's name it. Single moms often experience sleep deprivation because of, as you said before, Quay, being a sole caregiver.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

Yes, you are the sole caregiver.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Nobody else is there to keep it.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Yeah, you're the only one who cares.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

See, that's what you would need to be called. That's what it needs to be being a soul who cares giver. That's that's what it should be. And then also like the mental load of it all. Like we all talk about the list. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

The list. The list.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Yeah. Um never ending list. Yeah, the financial stress also being a single mom. Like you feel like you just like in your story, you didn't feel like you had the privilege, I guess you could say, up-resting because you get boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, done. If not, it was never gonna get done because no one else is doing it.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

And it's traumatizing when you don't have a fallback plan or someone to fall back on and you were expecting that partner to help you. It is traumatizing. Like, I'll never forget having to work with a broken hand. Like, that is that was very traumatic for me.

SPEAKER_02 12:03

Yeah. It's traumatic for me to hear about it. Like just thinking of being up for 24 hours.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Yeah, but that wasn't the only time. That was the time that like my body was like, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

You've done the 24 hours before.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Well, you got sick kids, you're working, you got you try to get some sleep, you might not offer a second time.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

Like more so like napping like one or two hours max. And that's so annoying.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

It's not even like full sleep because it's like, mama, mom, mom, mom, you ever heard that ring tone that does that?

SPEAKER_02 12:31

No.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

I don't want to hear that. It sounds like a nightmare. Why would I put that on my phone?

SPEAKER_00 12:35

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 12:35

I don't I don't want to hear it in real life. My friend has it, and I was like Um, so as you talked about before, late night planning and problem solving, because just because they go to bed with their pretty little cells and their pretty little faces, their pretty little eyes and noses and hands, still things have to be done and things need to be handled, and that falls on you, you know, as the mom.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

Um I feel like maybe I had a little bit of anxiety prior to having children, but I feel like it definitely went up to a whole new level once I had my first son.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Absolutely. Do you feel like you were an anxious person prior to having kids? Um, not as anxious, not at all. I I think that I was just living before I had kids, doing, you know, living life. And then you become responsible for the lives of others. And there's like this whole little person depending on you, and then God forbid you got more than one, and then you need to check to make sure they're breathing. I mean, especially when you're a first-time.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

Put them in your nose, like watching. Or I push them, like watching.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Yeah. Yeah. You're like, wait a second, like you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

Oh my gosh. Yeah, I was so afraid. I was so afraid of that. But I feel like I know I had a panic attack or two prior to having kids. I do remember having those, and I was like, what the fuck was that? The first time I had one, I was like, oh my gosh, why do I feel this way? But the amount of anxiety that I've experienced as a single married mom and also as a single mom now is unmatched because I'm so worried about our stability. You know, I say this all the time. Stability is very important to me. It's always been important to me, but now it's it's maximized because I have these two people who depend on me for everything.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Absolutely. And it doesn't stop. And I mean, this is the job that keeps on giving.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

I mean, giving at least.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

I don't want to say it's an English job, but like sometimes it is. Like you're going to just keep going and going and going and it's like the energizer bunny. Exactly, but you are not the energizer bunny. You require school.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Listen to us. We are not the energizer bunny. We have to stop eventually.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

There are science-backed consequences of chronic sleep deprivation.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

It impacts your brain, your body, your ability to parent. And hopefully, today we can tackle like some good sleep hygiene habits or tips. This is not for a person with a silent empty house.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

This is for single balance with kids. Sleep is uh one of, I think it might be like the eighth wonder. Are there seven wonders in the world?

SPEAKER_02 15:08

Yeah, seven wonders.

SPEAKER_00 15:09

Yeah, I think this might be the eighth wonder. Sleep after kids must be the eighth wonder.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Who's been able to tap into it? There are some moms who are able to hire um sleep nannies. So they come in and do the whole night routine for them when they have a newborn and they're never disturbed. Like the they just show up at night. They're like those sleep fairies, and then they leave in the morning when the mom wakes up and that's all that they do. I think that's awesome to have that resource.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

If it's in your budget.

unknown 15:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:36

No, I said to have the resource, you know, if you're able to have that. But I have I feel like my anxiety comes from, you know, the safety of being at home with the kids, feels thinking about the future. Am I doing everything right? And then my four-year-old, he just stopped. When I say just, just stopped waking up in the middle of the night trying to get into my bed. Like, even when the house is quiet, my mind may not be. It's constantly racing. So when I do sleep, I don't fall asleep, I pass out. I tell people that. They was like, oh, get some sleep. I was like, I don't know. I ain't been sleeping about eight years. I was like, what you talking about? I was like, I passed out. I've been exhausted.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Just don't pass out in the car or while you're operating. While moving the carry or you can't do it. Make sure it's parts of the I've passed out plenty of times. You know, even, you know, when the kids were younger, I would try to like co-sleep with them, like during their nap time.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

I never got that. I was never able to do it.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Well, I would breastfeed them to sleep, and I'd be sleeping too, you know. And then once they were in their toddler phase, and then like like preschool, oh my God. Like, I was scared to sleep. I remember my middle child, I was pregnant and she was toddling. And we were taking a nap, but she woke up before me. Like I said, like you said, passing out is different than sleep. When you're completely exhausted, I probably worked a night shift, came in, tried to watch her during the day. It's like, oh, it's nap time. I woke up to zoop. That's the sound I woke up to. Well was it? She stuck something in a socket. Yes. My God. And like was thankful that it was like on a surge protector. Like, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 17:09

Anything could have happened.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Anything could have happened. And I I had passed out. And it wasn't that I was neglecting my child. You were pregnant.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

You were growing another one.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Working, getting no help from the partner, like responsible for everything. You can't do everything. Like to your I mean, to the best of my ability, I would always try to keep my kids safe. But you know, they're so curious at that age. You know, when kids are quiet, we're into something.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

Yeah. Even now when I hear my kids being quiet, what y'all doing?

SPEAKER_00 17:37

What's going on?

SPEAKER_02 17:37

You know, you gotta put a little bass in your voice to try to uh eat them up or figure out what's going on. So, all right, so we went ahead and gave you the reality of it and then why a single mom struggle with sleep. But Quay, let's talk about the invisible costs of chronic exhaustion.

SPEAKER_00 17:53

Okay. There are invisible costs of chronic exhaustion. But but they become visible as the time goes along. So chronic sleep deprivation, it affects more than just your energy levels. It affects your emotional regulation. Like, if you thought you got up on the wrong side of the bed before you had kids, wait till you try to figure out which side of the bed you're supposed to get out because you you was just sleepy and your brain is all fogged up and you are running on fumes. Um, it affects your decision making, it affects your memory and your focus. Like all the days just start running together. Like, like I said, you're like a hamster on a treadmill. It affects your health. Your immune system takes a huge hit when you don't get enough sleep.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

Um I used to notice I would get sick all the time.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 18:43

When my kids were waking up multiple times throughout the night.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Yeah, so imagine that in working night shift and kids going to school picking up all of the germs they can get. Perfect little petri That's what I call them. That's what I call them. And then more importantly, it affects like your mood and your mental health as well as your physical health.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

So I remember probably like two years ago or so.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

I had like a I I I want to say a mini mental breakdown or so in my mother's living room because she's like, Come get your kids, come get your kids. Now my mom does help me a lot with my children, and she does. You know, she's definitely has been there. You support for me. But I was so sleep deprived, I couldn't do it. Like I came to pick them up and I was like, Could you just keep them for one night and let me get some rest? My mom's from the old school. She's like, No, these are your kids. You take care of them. Okay, but it's not like I'm asking you to watch them so I can go out to the club. It's not like I'm asking you to watch them so I could go on vacation. You know, I I'm going home to sleep. I need sleep. She's like, you done lost your damn mind. Get out of my house. Cause she was like, I was just acting weird and off. Why didn't you support sleep? I was quite I was shaking. I felt like I was floating. I felt like my feet weren't hitting the ground.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

Like I know that feeling all too well.

SPEAKER_02 20:06

But it was like a plea for help, but at the same time, I don't feel you weren't supported the way that you needed to be. Now, has the support been there before or after? Yeah, but at that moment, I felt like I was at my breaking point. I felt like I was about to hit up some side mirrors and stuff with my kids in the car yet.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

And that's- It's like there I go for asking. There I go for asking. But that's why a lot of single moms don't. And that's one of the topics we're going to be talking about is how you can.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

Because I get mom guilt.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

And sometimes that comes from the people who are supposed to be supporting us. Yeah. Or I think should be supporting you. When you're exhausted. Exactly. But when you're exhausted, you realize that everything seems so much heavier. Like the idea of like cooking or just like doing laundry. Like sometimes I would just look and I'm like, this house is a mess, but I got nothing left. Like, you know, like I got nothing. Like, I don't even want to move. And you know, that can impact your mental health, like we were saying before. You know, it's directly linked to heightened anxiety, depression. You get depressed, irritability, you know, and it's hard to come out of it. Your emotional resilience is impacted when you are completely exhausted.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

I wasn't at the bottom of the barrel. My barrel didn't have no bottom. Like that's how far I was attached to. And it just, I just felt like I couldn't get a win. I just could not get a win. And there was nothing for me to do other than go home and mall. Because what other choice do I have?

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Exactly. Be a dead beat. Right. And then, you know, you think about your brain and how sleep your brain needs sleep, period. Because you work with the numbers, I work with health. You know, we need our cognitive performance and like we need that at to be we need it to be top tier to complete our jobs because people can die. Yeah, people can die and you could fuck up somebody's money. Like then that's just not where it's at, you know?

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

It's just so important because like like I was saying before, it's hard to make even simple decisions when you're exhausted. Your reaction time is off. You know, I think like legally, when I didn't sleep for over 24 hours, I could have been like at the same cognitive ability as a person who was drunk. Right? So basically I was drunk driving, but often no sleep.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Like, and that's crazy. Imagine trying to do your job like that. Imagine trying to mom like that. Imagine trying to cook or just fulfill all the other roles that you have to fulfill. Like, it's pretty much impossible.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

Um, and then let's talk about like your physical health, the impacts. So when you have a weakened immune system, you already know. You can catch everything. But remember, when you catch everything and you still don't get any sleep, you just keep weakening and weakening and weakening your immune system. It gets worse and worse.

SPEAKER_02 23:01

You're gonna slow down or your body gonna shut down. Exactly. Just like your story, what happened to you? You're gonna slow down me passing out on the couch, waking up like, how did I get here? Why am I twisted up like a pretzel? Slumped over looking like cousin Benny. Or was the one that won movie, A Weekend at Bernie's, or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

That's what you're talking about. I'm not a movie buff. Yeah. Because I have mom brain. I usually, I usually liken mom brain to like a table. You have all this shit on the table. When you add something new, something just falls off, it'd be the movies for me.

SPEAKER_02 23:30

I'm not gonna remember all that shit. I'm not. So you touched on the guilt factor. That's another huge part about sleep deprivation. Like you feel guilty for resting. You feel guilty for any human being who needs to recharge. You think that dollar feel guilty? You think that father feel guilty?

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

You think those grandparents feel guilty? You think those godparents feel guilty?

SPEAKER_00 23:52

No.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

No one's gonna go.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Everyone's gonna have something to say anyway.

SPEAKER_02 23:56

So, yeah. Yeah. I don't care to get about rest anymore. Now my kids are older now. Granted, when they were younger, I was like you, I was afraid to fall asleep. I was afraid to close my eyes for too long where somebody's gonna fall on the steps and break their neck, or somebody's gonna get a crown stuck in her eye or something like that. I'll just be like, just staring up. They'd be like, who's the weirdo over here? Why does she keep staring at me? And I'm like blink, blink, you know, afraid to go to sleep. But I used to have guilt for wanting to sleep instead of being productive, doing the laundry, cooking, uh, washing the dishes, ordering ordering their uh toys or putting the toys in order or something like that. I used to worry about things like that because I felt like that was the expectation of a mom was to have a tight, needy house I mean, a tight, tidy house, and also to have children who were being stimulated in a positive way at home.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

My house is lived in, I will say that.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

I my house is now, but I was very I had a distorted mindset of what I thought motherhood was when I first got my side.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

Um, I also want to touch back on physical health again. So, like, when you aren't sleeping right, you're exhausted, and then like what about exercise, right? If you're too exhausted to exercise, you get in this cycle, this vicious cycle of a lifestyle that is not suitable for you and your kids, right? Because you need to exercise, your body needs it, and you're at risk of increased weight gain, yeah, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease.

SPEAKER_02 25:30

That's taking you earlier from your kids. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Exactly. And or not with a quality life. Exactly. When you're constantly under stress with no sleep, your cortisol levels just go higher and higher and higher. And the impact of that can be devastating for your body. So, you know, you gotta make sure you're getting your sleep and staying on top of your health.

SPEAKER_02 25:49

Yeah, I love that you brought that part because a lot of moms deal with that, but it's baby weight or something like that, or you know, it's hard for me to work out because I just gotta focus on the kids. I get I gained so much weight from baby one and baby two to pre- and post-divorce. So I get it. You put your focus on other things, and I really want us to be able to talk about that as well. How to fit in little small things when it comes to our health, on top of also realizing that that mom guilt of I used to have a real big mom guilt. I was anti-screens before I had kids. Listen, I was anti-screens until my mom bought my oldest a tablet when he was three or four. And I was like, Why would you buy him a tablet? He doesn't need anything. This that other look, the tablet has saved me many a times.

SPEAKER_00 26:37

And I think you're unrealistic when you're a first-time mom. You want to do everything right and then you go over for it. You go crazy.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

You know. I judged other parents until I had kids.

SPEAKER_00 26:47

Listen, people got it, they got the whole plan downpacked with no kids. And when you get the kids, everything you plan goes out the door. So you know, everything with moderation. You know, you don't want them on the screen the whole time, but shit, you gotta take a nap.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

You have some days. I I like to have a timer on Hey Google or Alexa and let them know once that timer goes off, you need to put it down and go do something else. Go play it with something else. Let's go color. Let's go to something like that. But there's been many a times where look, put it on a charger. And once it charged back up, then go ahead and go right back to it because I can't do nothing. You gotta get your ass.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

You gotta do what you gotta do. You gotta be strategic.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Yeah, and I I can't worry about what's the impact of how this is gonna hurt them in the next 10 to 15 years if I can't make it the next 10-15 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

I can't think about that. I have to put myself first sometimes. And that means I'm not putting it just with a screen, but a screen has been beneficial for me. I'm not letting that mom guilt get me anymore.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

Not at all. It's screen time can be educational. You know, you can put locks on the tablets and, you know, uh time allowances on the tablets where they're shut off and they can't access them. There are a lot of things you can do, but utilize it to your advantage because you need to get that sleep.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Um, also, you gotta think about saying no to extra responsibilities. No is a full sentence. Remember that.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

I have no problem with it now.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Yeah, but in the beginning, you like you still have that mom guilt and it carries over into everything. Like, you're like, am I doing enough here? Am I doing enough there? You get unsure of yourself. So you're like taking on shit that you really don't need to take on. Like, but you gotta learn how to say no. And I'm good at it now.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

But then you're mean, you're this good. Look, whatever. I'm a mom. Call me whatever lady you need. I really don't feel like you should be asked a single mom for this stuff. Like, when I think about it, like, how selfish of you to be coming to a single mom and expecting to add more to her plate. Now, it's different when we both on the same plan field. I'm a single mom, you're a single mom. We could build a community. Versus somebody who's single ain't got no kids. I'm not saying I can't offer some things in a friendship or whatever, but if you always leaning on me and I'm the one with all this extra weight on my shoulders, I'm not sure about that. Like, I feel like my people that ask for help usually I'll ask the single moms last.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Oh no, that's right. But and be be wary of anyone you're dating. If they're asking you for help when you're a single mom, cut them the fuck off.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

Like that as well. Like, even friends, too. Like, sometimes you gotta be like, look, you see what I got going on, so you clearly don't care. You can add one more thing to the pal. You'd be all right. No, I'm gonna take care of these kids, not for the whole universe. Just remember that uh rest is not a reward.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

It is a must. It is a must. You need it. You can only be productive when you're well rested. You know, you can't keep going and running off of fumes. So you got to feed yourself so you can feed others, take care of yourself so you can take care of others. So let's talk about realistic support strategies. Sleep hygiene for the real world.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

You know, right.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Now, we know what the problem is is that we need more sleep. We get more fucking sleep. Right. That's what the problem is. Exactly. And some people are like, just go to bed earlier. You know it doesn't work like that for single moms. You can try, but something happens. Life starts lifing, you know. You got laundry to fold, emails to attend to, you know, like what we really got to think about is reframing our sleep hygiene. Thinking about things that are more practical, incremental. Sleep when you can.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

And forgiving. Being forgiving to yourself. You know, every night doesn't have to have a perfect routine, but try to make the best of it.

SPEAKER_02 30:25

Make a simple one. Don't make it so intricate that you get tired thinking about the routine to get you some good sleep. Like, make it simple. Kiss. Keep it simple, stupid. You don't like it. Exactly. Just do what works for you. Like lower the lights, you know. Maybe stretching prior to getting into the bed. Deep breathing, not being on that phone. I know we like the Doom Scroll, thinking that's gonna help us soothe us like it's a pacifier to put us to bed. No. No. It's igniting that nervous system in that brain. Let's go ahead and let them get some rest too, because they've been on fire all day long.

SPEAKER_00 31:00

I think it's important to like reframe self-care because we always feel like mom guilt for self-care. Like we should be doing something else for somebody else. Right? As like system maintenance. Like, we gotta keep the system going. Exactly. On the mom. You need that. So it's not always that you need a bubble bath. It's not always that you need something, but whatever works for you, you need to do that. Self-care. If it's that glass of wine before bed. Or if it's like, you know, snuggling up with your favorite book. Or if it's like, you know, you just need to watch one episode of your show. Or, you know, sit on the porch enjoying the breeze. I don't know. Whatever you need to do, you need to do it. Self-care is for you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

But you definitely just need to give your body the A-OK. It's alright to rest. We could let out that deep breath. Today for me. I'm gonna get some rest so I can start tomorrow and be a better bee. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

Yeah. So ultimately, a full sleep isn't possible each night. You want to make sure that you are getting or creating times for these micro rest moments, meaning that you need to pick take paraps. Those are real.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Like I didn't I didn't believe in them before, but now if I give me a good 10, 20 minutes, I pop up like I'm a hominid. Like I'll be like, all right, what's next? I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. You know, like yeah, they do work.

SPEAKER_00 32:33

Exactly. And then like remember to take a pause. Like, you might not have your sleep ritual downpack, but just take a pause. Like, if you need to like just breathe, maybe journal right down your list that you completed for the day. Just reveal it. Get it out your head. Yeah, get it out your head. Write it all down so that you don't gotta be thinking about it in your sleep. Because the worst thing to do is to turn off the lights and your mind is still going nonstop. Like that is horrible. So you you didn't lay there. I've got to the point sometimes where I was so worried about the next day, I went to sleep and dreamed about everything that I I didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 33:09

Oh, you know what? That is like a nightmare, girl. That's a nightmare.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Did you do this already? Like, is this deja vu? Like, because the dream feels so real, but your brain is just not at rest, even if your body went to sleep, which is absolutely crazy.

SPEAKER_02 33:23

Yeah, but most importantly, ask for help. You know?

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 33:27

You don't have to explain yourself like I tried, attempted, and failed when I was asked my mom to watch them kids that day when I was on E E. I was on negative E. Okay. Like, if it's support exists, use it. No one's addressing you as a mom.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

No shame in asking for help.

SPEAKER_02 33:42

Ask for help. Everyone has been in a situation where they've needed help, and that's okay. And you don't need to reason beyond being tired. It's just, I need help, please.

SPEAKER_00 33:52

And like in all honesty, like we said before, people are always gonna have something to say. Fuck them. Right? I need help. Can you help me? If they say no, we're about to see the next person. You don't need to do anything else. Yep. You don't need no explanation. That's why you need a community. That's why we're here. You know, give you tips and tricks of the trade, because this is some heavy shit, especially when you're exhausted.

SPEAKER_02 34:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

And remember, give yourself grace. You don't gotta be perfect. Like we always say, kids don't need a perfect mom, they just need a happy one, and that requires sleep. We are planning to continue talking about tips and tricks of the trade when it comes to getting sleep, um, good sleep hygiene, not just like the micro rest moments, but we wanna continue to discuss this, so we will be back for part two.

SPEAKER_02 34:36

Exactly. So go make sure you go follow us on social media at Single Mom HoneyOfficial on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. We're getting a whole calendar together and a whole lot of content to share with you guys. But in the meantime, just in case you are in can keep up with us, go ahead and follow us at Single Mom HoneyOfficial. As well, if you have any topics you would like us to discuss or if you would like to add to this discussion of today, go ahead and send us an email at single momhoney at gmail.com. That is singlemomhoney at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

Great. Thanks for spending this time with us today. Um, I'm Quay, I cover health.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

I'm Aisha, I cover money. You bring the tea. We got the honey.

SPEAKER_00 35:18

See you next time on Single Mom Honey. Bye.