17: The Final Play: Cuffing Season Cut Offs

Treating your peace, mental health, and bank account like a championship team—cutting the dead weight (players/coaches) that are causing you to lose the game of life.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi and welcome to Single Mama Honey, the podcast dedicated to single moms with a focus on health, money, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Quayland, I cover the health.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

And I'm Aisha, I cover the money. Quay.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Let's get about that time. The time of the yeah, you know what I'm saying? That you, you, you, you need to cut it. Gut it. Gut it.

unknown 0:24

Got it.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

He asked us for too much. You need to cut it.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

She's doing too much. You need to cut it.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

So this is the final play for cuffing season cut off. So let's see. What do you mean by cuff and seating season cutoff?

SPEAKER_02 0:44

I mean like cut them off. Like it is cold outside, but like you don't need a ninja to stay warm. It's cold outside, but if she ain't really your friend, cut her off too.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

Oh yeah, I like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

All of them.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

The job gets on your nerves. Cut it. We need to cut it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

And cut and paste that resume while you're at it.

unknown 1:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Have one lined up before you leave.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Absolutely. Overall, we want to discuss treating your peace, mental health, and your bank account like a championship team. Meaning, those who aren't on your side, you need to cut them off. Because they are doing nothing but running interference. Okay? And they are causing you to lose the game of life. And we're not here to do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yeah, just like the Patriots just cut Cardi B's baby daddy, Stephan Diggs.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

He he tried to run interference in her life a little bit. I'm just gonna say that.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

It's drama. All those babies back to back to back. First of all, that's disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Well, you know, maybe he just wanted to spread his seed.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

I don't know. No, you should not have four or five babies in one year. It is disgusting. That shows that you have a lack of self-control. I don't care how much money. Ain't enough money in the world that could give you the time to love and care for each one of those souls.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

True.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

It's not. So Nick Canton. Or my mom called them Dick Cannon.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

But you know what? One thing about Cardi B.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

She cut it.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

She'll cut them in a second.

SPEAKER_02 2:13

Oh, you're doing too much. I'm gonna cut you off too. And the thing is we all learn at our own pace. So, you know, sometimes we gotta go through a little bit until it's time to cut them. But once you cut them, don't go back.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

That goes for family too.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

It's a setup where you go back because they be waiting for their vengeance.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Exactly. No, they're like, you tolerated it last time. So I'm gonna see just how far I can go this time. Alright. So today we're in the final quarter, and the score is not in our favor. You've been dropping the ball, dropping your piece, dropping your bag. You can't be dropping your bag.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

All because you fumbled a few times.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

I I fumbled. Well, some people say that I fumbled like three times because I but that's only because I got pregnant three times. And Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause sometimes when you get pregnant by the op more than once, people start questioning your judgment.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

So I mean you didn't have judgment at that time because you were in chaos and control and conservative coercion.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

You were so right. Yeah. We're not dropping the ball anymore because we're not passing to that team that we benched before, right? We're gonna make sure that now we're gonna run our playbook and make sure that we have things all together.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Well, let's start off with a quick check-in. How are we feeling today? Stress, tired.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Okay, so in all honesty, I don't know what's going on out here, but I'm getting over this cold. Like, it was like the flu's cousin. It wasn't quite the flu, but it was definitely giving hints of it. I didn't quite flu adjacent. Yes, yes, definitely flu adjacent. But I don't appreciate it. I was wearing a mask in the house trying to see brain fog. See, that's why I was like flu, COVID adjacent. I don't I don't know what it was, but it it was getting me. Um, I was trying to quarantine myself from the kids, but as a single mom, there's only one mom in the house, so like only one parent in the house. Yeah, I know. They don't care. They no. They were like, Are you alone? Yeah, leave me alone. Trying to protect you. We all need to protect. It's okay. You can come in here. Could you come in here and do that? I'm like, listen. But I mean, I'm feeling a lot better today. I felt a bit overwhelmed over the last probably week when I'm coming, I'm evening out right now. How are you feeling?

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I am feeling not tired because I got some good sleep the other night, girl. When I say I mean a nasty night of sleep. It was so ugly. I had stopped becoming all bosa. I was just teeth part like that. You know, it's just I had a good night's rest. Okay. I heard nothing. I felt nothing until the next morning, wow, that was good. But obviously, because I was tired and I definitely, definitely needed it. But it's likely other single moms are tired, you know, because it is a lot to handle. And we're carrying that extra weight, like you mentioned before. We the ones gotta create and execute the plays because you aren't supposed to do this on your own. But if you so happen to be in that situation, it is what it is. But today we are clearing the roster. And as Clay mentioned, this is about both romantic relationships and friendships and families. Shoes, they can get the cut too. I don't know why you think you can't. Everybody can get it. Everybody can blood thicker than water. Not if you add some cornstarch in there. But, anyways, we're talking about the mental health benefits. So, how about we start with the emotional interference that you mentioned before, Quay? How we talk about identifying the toxic players. Usually it's easy to do when you're in your right frame of mind, but when you have that confusion, that you know, just that cloudiness in your mind all day long, it is hard to see, especially if it's something that is familiar. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

All right, once the death settles, like when it comes to like post-divorce or post-breakup, separation, yeah. Separation, or like when friendships fall apart, I think people start revealing themselves. You know, when everything is so chaotic, you can't really see it. But once things start to calm down for you, you'll see how people are actually moving. I know for me, the toxic people kind of got rid of themselves. Like it was not really a choice for me. Like, I had a a friend that I was friends with for like over a decade. As soon as I started going through, my God, it was like she was a whole new person. I mean, a whole new person. Like I thought this was my best friend. And then it was like, hmm, this was secretly my op the whole fucking time. Wow. The op? Yes, the whole time. And the reason I started noticing was like it would just be like regular conversations. I remember like the December after I separated, like Christmas came. I think I um vowed for divorce like early December. And then um by you know, mid-December, I'm shopping for Christmas. I get to the car. I went shopping with my so-called best friend at that time and get to the car, and she's like, we pull up at her house, we gotta take the bags out the car. And I said, Um, you wanna help me carry these bags to my car? And she's like, Oh, I'm sorry. I don't carry bags, I have a husband. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

Wow. And said with a straight face.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

What a straight face. You know?

SPEAKER_01 7:29

It wasn't ha, I'm just joking. Even if we used to ha, I'm just joking. That was some slick shit.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

I said, What? She's like, Yeah, I don't carry bags. I have a husband. I said, Are you joking? Like, you know that you know what's going on here. You don't think that was too soon? You don't think like Did you say that or you were? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

Absolutely. You I just gotta solidify. Blown. I was like, because I couldn't even figure out where the punchline was in the joke. I was waiting for it.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Like, but you were the punchline.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

Uh yeah, punching bag.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

So it was there, and then it was like other little things. It was here and there and everywhere. And, you know, sometimes I think we hold on to things for a long time because they've been around a long time and you try to see the humanity in people, but sometimes you just gotta see people for who and what they are. You know, it went from there to look, I got a story for the ages.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Well, let's go ahead and talk about why we how we identify these toxic players. I mean, yours was very simple with that one liner because bitch, what?

SPEAKER_02 8:34

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

But we, as I said, it could be something that's familiar to you, you know. We often hold on to relationships, be it friends, family, or exes, out of guilt and also out of habit, you know, like you're a part of my environment, just like this couch.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

I ain't about to just pick up this couch and get rid of it one day because I'm tired or I'm gonna set up what that couch did to me. I'm gonna give that couch another chance before they keep playing with me and playing with my relaxation time, you know? Right. But if they are interfering with our ability to be a present mom, exactly, they are a penalty on the play. And if you don't know football, don't worry, because I don't know all like that either. Maybe you would think I would know. Right. I was like, penalty. I mean, I know it, but I don't know it knows.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

But I know when you throw a flag and there's a flag on the play.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Like a red flag, like that was.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

I thought they were yellow.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

The girl out. Okay, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Is it soccer the one with the no, soccer got the cards.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Well, are the flags in soccer?

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Anyway, exactly. Here we go. So discussing the emotional holding calls that stop you from advancing are mental health red flags, signs that a relationship is impacting your mental health. Absolutely. Constant anxiety, you may experience a panic attack every once in a while, and maybe you never even had panic attacks before, but now all of a sudden this person is coming to your life and now you're having them on a regular basis. And I'm telling you, that first panic attack is scary. You really think you die.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Absolutely. Or like you'll start to notice like every time they call you, it's something draining. Like they are they turn into vampires. But they may have been a vampire the whole time, but you just hadn't noticed because you had so much chaos going on. So you start feeling dread for that morning call every time they call. And that's what started happening with that same friend for me. Or, you know, you started you start feeling more drained than you do supported by this, these people who thought were your people on your team. So they're taking from you instead of instead of giving to you. You're supposed to be giving to each other, but they're just pulling away from your energy.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

That's how I felt with my dad. Like every time he would call, I'd be like, because I know you're about to say some slick shit and the backhanded compliments, or you know, you can't just be happy for me. You gotta say something to keep me down low while giving me a big up at the same time. It was so weird, but I would just dread it to the point of time. I wouldn't even answer his call for days. And he would call every single day until I picked up, hey, yeah, it's been kind of baby busy with the babies and this, that, and another. And then here we go. It happens. It's like he was looking forward to talking to me just to try to humble me. Girl.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Lord have mercy. You know what? Oh my gosh, the humbling part when people like they need to humble you is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

Because I don't feel like I need to humble you, but that's not my MO.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

Exactly. So, I mean, it's just important to take notice of these things and these people and don't start collecting whether the flags come out red, yellow, if they're throwing cards out like in soccer, or we we don't really know sports. We do health and money. So everything in between.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

But if you know about the game and you want to teach it to us, go ahead and send us an email, single momhoney at gmail.com, or if you want to comment on this video on YouTube at Single Mom HoneyOfficial, or go ahead and send us a DM after following us on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram at Single Mom HoneyOfficial.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Yes. I feel like, you know, those people who are toxic in your life or the vampires, they have like the power to like magnify other problems in your life. They are looking for things, like how you said the backhanded uh compliments. They're just waiting for that moment to be like, ooh, let me bring this back up so I can humble you, take you off that pedestal that I think I put you on, dethrone you. I always thought about, you know, in the mind of that person, I must have been like some type of royalty because she could not wait for me to be put off my throne.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

Or less than her in her eyes, not yours, in her eyes.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

How she dare have to say status as me. Oh no, she doesn't. She's not a married woman. And I am. And I'm gonna let her know how I'm better because I still got a husband.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

Listen, listen, that is not a prize unless you are like equally yoked, unless it actually benefits your life. Just saying.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

And if it is, it's a prize for you. Don't necessarily mean it's a prize for somebody else. That husband may not work for nobody else. Y'all work for each other, and that's a beautiful thing. We are not haters about relationships or marriages. Believe us. We believe that there is somebody out there for everyone. And if you have found your person, I think it's wonderful. I love it. As long as they are caring for you, they are nurturing to you, they are supportive of you, they are not harmful to you.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

That is physically, spiritually, mentally, financially.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

All of those things. Girl, sis, yes. Okay. People be trying to say you're bitter because you're single, or you're bitter because you're a single mom.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

I think I think I'm better because I'm single.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah, because uh I think my partner prior, you know, they were kind of like subtracting from my life instead of adding to my life.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Call be a liabilities in a finance world and not assets.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

We'll talk about that another time.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

All right, so when we're cutting people off, it's not just about saying goodbye. You need a defense strategy strategy, right? So, uh you looking like that, you do need a strategy. Sometimes I'm listening. You gotta plan your escape.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

This is my listening face.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

Okay, that's your listening face. That looks like a listening with um, I can see your veins coming out.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

Girl, I see it too. 3D. Like Alright, so I think it's very important.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

Oh my God. More just popped out on that side when you did that. I think it's just how you tilt your head. Oh, here they come. Here they come. Oh my god. Okay. Um, so you want to make sure that you're able to say no to these people. Like when it's time to cut people off, meaning like, hey, when you cut them off, if they ask to come back around, it's a for another chance.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Okay, I see what you say.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Um, because I think, you know, a lot of the strategy is just actually having like that self-control and being able to keep those negative people out of your life. Um instead of going back and forth over and over again or thinking that you're missing something, um, whether it's relationship, family.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

See, and with me, it takes so much to get to the cutoff stage or decision. So once I am there, I said what I said. There is no going back because I have your damn docket on my desk. It's this high of how many times you have crossed over the line and I let it slide. Now you a skating ass motherfucker. And you ain't never gonna be able to come back over here because I went through this foul and I went through these pages and I realized that you were not good for me. But when I had made a decision, I don't do the spin the block. Spin the block or another chance or this, that no, you ain't even on second chance, you on 202.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

You're so right. You're so right. Because I feel like that um about I don't even like to claim him, but the kids that that person that I was uh contract contractually uh uh connected with at least Yeah, whatever. But yeah, I I do feel like it was chance 1257 before I cut him off. And then like even to this day, when I happen to run into him when it is related to the children only, you see that boundary right there when it is related to the children only? I don't speak unless it's related to the children. So there are no good mornings. It's not because I hate you, it's just that I cut you off. So that is not relevant to the kids, whether it is a good morning or not to me. Because I know that for some people that can work, but for this person in particular, a good morning is a window of owners.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

No, this being.

SPEAKER_02 16:34

This being.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Not person. That's a being.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

It's a window of opportunity. So it's important when you know yourself and you know these people and they have, you know, taken the time, you can forgive them. But God didn't make us stupid. You can forgive people, but he gave you a brain so you don't forget how you were treated, so you don't have to go back into the same cycles over and over and over again. So, to this day, I realize that ninja was not my friend. So I don't try to be friends now. You let me know.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Why do you want to be my friend so bad? You hate me. You hated it me, and you still do. So why are you trying to be my friend now? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:12

There's nothing here too.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

I'm Confucius. What?

SPEAKER_02 17:17

Yeah, so you know, practice, like I don't even explain myself anymore. Like, there's a lot of times where we'd be like, Why won't you even talk to me? Why are you trying to make a scene?

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Because it drains you and it gives him energy. He knows what the fuck he did. And he wouldn't have changed it at all if he could go back today. He probably would do you dirtier actually than what he actually did. Cause now he d cuz if he had access to you again, oh, he's gonna do 10 times worse. She ain't never gonna come back for this. She's about to deteriorate after I'm done with her motherfucking ass. So there's no opportunity here. So yeah. And also, like, you gotta guard your thoughts. Guard your thoughts of but everything needs to be so good between us, be a friend, family, fell, what the fuck ever. You're gonna go back to when times were good and your mom will play tricks with you.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

The dinosaurs were here once. And this is the thing. If the dinosaurs were here with us now, they would eat us. They were cool back then.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

I'm like, where is she going with this? Where am I going to Jurassic Park talk?

SPEAKER_02 18:16

It is Jurassic. It is like Jurassic Park. Look, when you're in a chaotic relationship, it is Jurassic Park. You don't know when the Raptors is coming, you don't know when T-Rex is coming. You just know it's danger everywhere, and you're just trying to survive, right?

unknown 18:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Or try to recreate something that's not natural that did not work before. Yeah, it didn't work. It's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 18:34

Humans and dinosaurs don't belong together.

unknown 18:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

If your friends was a dinosaur, let them be. If your friend was a dinosaur, let them be. That's ancient history. We don't want to revive them. They don't need to be in these times. That's why we're survived.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

That's why we're gonna choose thrive. Like, and I I get it. When you're in situations where, like we said, these people are familiar to you. They're a habit, they're a part of your day-to-day life. Anything changes in your day-to-day life, it feels odd, it feels weird, but it does take time. So don't allow when the loneliness creeps in, and it will, you know, you would get lonely. Does that say more about me or more about my ex that I never thought maybe we could work it out? Maybe we could, I don't know, maybe we just put our family back together. It never crossed my mind once. Because, like I said, you're a tool too. I I'm past that now, you know. Like, I know loneliness happens for other people who I don't want to say who have a heart, because I do have a heart. It's just I have one for him anymore. I ain't have nothing to give at all other dead where you can send the money. Or where you can pick your kids up.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

You gotta do like a risk and benefit analysis. You do those for insurance, right? And I feel like after a while, uh the risk outweigh the benefits, and you should be like, you know what? Never mind. It's not good for me. That's what I had to do. I think like, I think like women or the partner who is the primary caregiver for the children, or whoever was actually more devoted in a relationship, let's talk about single moms because that's what who we are. When you are that person, you have already mourned the death of the relationship way before it was over.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

So trying to hold on to the family. Yeah, trying to hold on.

SPEAKER_02 20:09

So by turning, you really are done. It's a wrap.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

It it was a rap. I could walk past a sidewalk where that man was on fire. And I'd be like, that is above me now.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

I will cross the street because I ain't trying to mess up my beauty blocks. Like, you ain't about to catch me over. I'm across the street. So I'm like, oh, almost got me. Fush the pearls. Walking my way downtown. Keep them going on my walk.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

Yeah, I don't got no more love. I don't wish anything bad upon him.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

I don't wish anything bad about him either, but I ain't coming to save you, hoe. Hoes love be saved. I ain't doing animal.

SPEAKER_02 20:46

Don't save her. She don't wanna be say, don't save her. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

He don't want to pay his child support or spend his time with his kids cause he don't know how to rhyme. He's a lame. He claims to be somebody. I let him know that I am that body. That body that be rockin', that body that be talking, that body that be letting you know I'm never stopping. Cause I get the coins. I don't really play by my kids on my time. Because today's the day that I am successful and I be so restful. Cause I had a nasty nap and didn't I get the rest.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Right. So it's very important that we definitely cut these people off, cut them out of your life, cut them out of your routine. Because mental stress equates to physical stress. And a lot of times you can feel them, feel things mentally, and then it you can feel them physically even before that person comes back around. I mean, I know, like for me, like even when I had to go to court or run into this fool and I know that it's coming, I can feel it in my body. Body kind of remembers like the trauma or the chaos, and you know, I try to avoid that shit like a plague. Um stress in our bodies shows up as cortisol, and that's just really unhealthy for us.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Really, really unhealthy.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Is cortisol only located in the belly? Because anytime I hear cortisol, they always talk about midsection fat.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

Well, I think that's where we you know at this age where we build up a lot more of our fat. Why? I know you ain't make the whole plan for the body. Okay, well the thing is, I wish we could just go to my booty or somewhere else.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

All right.

SPEAKER_02 22:41

But no, it lets me.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

And make my booze firmer. If I could get quarters off of stress, it will help my booze stand up like they used to in my twenties. Give me some stress now they just I can make my titties clap. What? You say, huh?

SPEAKER_02 22:55

First of all, first of all, you still got a cigarette in your hand, that ear cigarette?

SPEAKER_01 22:59

Yeah. That's thought about how my titties just be like, brup. Like I take it out of my brain, br my titties. Oh, we ain't talking about titties. Okay, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

So, um, like you said, cortisol makes your body hold weight.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Um and it kills our libido.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

What is your libido playlist? Yeah, what is that? Teach us.

SPEAKER_02 23:22

Like my life energy. It's like my sex drive.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Like my go-go juice.

SPEAKER_02 23:26

Yes, my go-go juice. And I do not want it depleted because I am dealing with my opponents all day. I mean, think about it. If you have a stressful day at work, you come home, be like, I'm about to go get this dick. No, you don't. You be like, I just want to go to sleep. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

Nobody talks to me, nobody touched me. Everybody's needing something. But no, what is the libido?

SPEAKER_02 23:47

What is the libido?

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:48

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

What is your libido? What does that mean?

SPEAKER_02 23:51

Lord have mercy. You want me to give you like a real definition.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Yeah, medical. You the medical person? That's why I wouldn't say. I know, I know. I know you're a little freak, but you also the medical professional.

SPEAKER_02 24:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Look, PCP stands for provider, not pervert.

SPEAKER_02 24:05

So, first of all, like I said before, your libido is the energy of your sex drive. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Either strong or weak.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

Yeah, it's like uh completely of your your life force, your life instinct, it's just part of you. And extra stress kills that.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

That makes sense. Like I remember not wanting to be touched the majority of my marriage. Like, except for when I was ovulated. Then my body would trick me into like, bitch, you better figure it out. You know, but other than that, what are you looking at me for?

SPEAKER_02 24:37

Don't touch me. I felt like uh my libido died when like the conversation died. Like when I didn't sapiosexual. Yes, that and like when I no longer feel a connection with a person. Like that was gone like years ago when I realized I had to take the kid, um, take care of the kids on my own, like while I was married. I was like, yeah, this is not attractive. This is not what I signed up for, you know. This is not the team that I signed up for. Like this is the old bait and switch. I got in here, you said one thing and you did another. Um, just not my thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:10

So, other than that physical stress, you know, that a definitely could kill your libido. A tip for handling that is when you feel the urge to text that toxic person because you, you know, you just did a whole cutoff game and everything. Physical can, I mean, if if mental can control your physical, your physical can also control your mental. So do 10 jumper jacks. Get your mind off of it, drink some water, drink some ice cold water. Do something to interrupt that pattern. No, JCD.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

Don't sit and think about it. Like sit at the wall and like. I feel like you need to be physical.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

You need to be moving and go for a walk.

SPEAKER_02 25:45

No, no, it is physical. I'm talking about like sit and think. You know that thinking position that you may have learned in college?

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Like you talk about like uh squat against a wall. Yeah. Like drop. Yeah. Wall squats.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

Yeah, do some wall squats or something that could interrupt that pattern because mindfulness is definitely necessary when you're in this position. You know, having self-compassion is important. And we also wanted to remind all of you that you are worthy because you exist. You were chosen to be the one that the egg and the sperm made to be brought to this side of the earth or this side of life. Not because someone validates you, but because you are the star. You are the one that everybody in that crowd is cheering for, the ones who really care for you are in that stadium for you. So don't act like you're a bitch warmer in your own life. Or I have a friend who said she felt like she was an NPC, a non-playerable character in video games, like the people who were in That's what that's so sad. But some people feel that way. So that's why they feel like you gotta grasp onto somebody else.

SPEAKER_02 26:48

You are the main character in your story. And more importantly Oh, your story matters. Exactly. And more importantly, you exist.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

I'll be hollering at you while I motivate you. The fuck.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

You existed way before they came along. Way before they came along. So once they're gone, it doesn't mean anything. It's just a new chapter to your book.

SPEAKER_01 27:06

New experiences, new lessons learned. Go on ahead, do what you do. So let's talk about the financial cutoffs, you know, that salary cap, you know, the broke by association trap. Lord Jesus. Oh, I need no cigarette.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

What kind of air cigarette are you smoking? Is this deep breathing?

SPEAKER_01 27:22

These are Marlboro's, no filter, never no filter, double stuffed, like some Orioles. Give me the hard shit. Okay, when I'm in this mood, give me the you sure you want to smoke that? Yes, I do. Okay, like you can't build wealth. And believe me, I'm speaking of this from experience. If you're bleeding cash and somebody is leeching off you, if there is a parasite amongst exactly. Are you paying for a man's bills? Um, I did it before. But it was my husband, so I thought it was okay, but I still did it before.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

Listen, okay, I think we're all guilty of in some way helping people that we should not have helped. People who are really just actually helping themselves to us.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

And whether you physically paid those bills or you allowed somebody to utilize your credit to get a vehicle or you can't elevate their life to have experiences they never had before and never will probably.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

Yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 28:18

Yeah. Yeah. You know, or it could be funding a friend's bad habits. Like you know, girl, how many Lou Batons you gonna buy? Now you can't pay your rent, now you need help. That's crazy because I ain't got not one Lou Baton, but I'm helping you pay for this high-rise. This doesn't make sense. So, or covering for a family member who drains you. This is financial interference and actually is financial abuse as well, you know, because they use the ties and the relationships that you guys have to feel comfortable to come and ask you for your resources to supply them. And that's not okay.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

You know what else is crazy? I'm gonna say this. I think it's very important to take note of the people who know your situation and know that you're a single mom and still ask of you. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Or expect.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Yeah, expect of you. I I'll say your friends can still it's okay to ask for help, but take notice of the people who are always asking for help and not giving any.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Or, you know, who are absent when you need something or and they know you need it because more than likely you probably reached out to them if they're so-called friend, but they don't have the time or energy for you. Right. But yeah, let me call her ass up and see if I can get something out of her. So some of the financial boundaries that you can implement when you're in situations, people that you need to cut off or have already cut off or need to remain cut off from is doing the separate accounts. You know, even if you're married, do the separate accounts. You know, if you share finances with somebody who isn't adding to the household, it is time to cut that financial core and their access to your coins.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

Absolutely. I had to do that early on in my marriage. What do you mean? I had to um I tried joint bank accounts one time.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

Never had them, the whole marriage.

SPEAKER_02 30:05

Listen, I had it one time. And during that one time, this man set up his student loans to come out the day that I got paid. Kid you not. I kid you not. Oh my gosh. And I was like, I looked at my account and I said, Where's my money? He's like, oh, uh, no, I must have accidentally put my student loans on a joint account instead of the You ain't accidentally. I said, my money is not back in there by the end of the day, somebody's gonna have to call the cops.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

So what happened?

SPEAKER_02 30:35

My money was back. Because it either wasn't even the fact that like he didn't have money to pay his own bills, he was just gonna take it out of mine. Some people are just waiting for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

He wanna see if he can make it fly that one time.

SPEAKER_02 30:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

It wasn't like I was buying a bottle or playing for VIP, I was paying for my student loans.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

That's something that can help both of us out. It's debt that's over for both right. Oh, you snake. Yep. You are a snake.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

So anyway, after that, never never a joint account again. Cut that immediately. And I was like, you can put money in here, but I won't. And it was a joint account that was at a bank that he was at. So it was like, I had my account and we had money, we were supposed to have a joint account going for bills. It was for shared bills, not your student loans or my student loans. It was like, oh, you just gonna take full advantage. Keep your money, and I'm making deposits, and you ain't made one. Crazy. I mean, some people are just like utilizing other people as a resource. And I said, it's a it's a wonder how I didn't end up on snapped. Because I just knew I was.

SPEAKER_01 31:34

Girl. And you had a baby at the top?

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Yes. Too.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

My God.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

Yeah, crazy.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

And you worked all them hours, and I know you be busting your ass. You've always been a hard worker to just look at your account as well. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 31:46

I said, what? I just looked. I said, what in the world? Listen, when I tell you, and I you can see the debit that came, like, yep. You tried it.

SPEAKER_01 31:57

Well, let's talk about how you can budget for freedom, you know, how you were able to get freedom.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

I'm over here flashing back.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

I know, girl, I see it. Y'all see it. Y'all watching on YouTube? Y'all watch this video.

SPEAKER_02 32:08

Don't do that. Don't do that. You don't need no help. You are not in danger.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

Oh, so we have to figure out how to allocate funds, you know, for a rainy day fund. Because one thing I know about that shoe, that bitch always gonna drop. It's always gonna drop. You gotta be prepared for that little pinky pinky toe about to hit the ground. Okay, about to hit the flow. Oh, look at me. Rapper. So you never feel trapped in a bad situation due to lack of money. And that's one of the worst things. Be in a relationship with somebody because you feel trapped financially. And sometimes that is the game, is to keep you financially trapped so you don't go nowhere. Uh where you gonna go.

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Absolutely. I had a man tell me that he wanted this is like post-marriage when I was dating, he wanted me to need him. And I looked at him like, Me? Now I'm already hip to the game. You want me to need you? In which way? Cause I'm good financially. I'm good spiritually. I don't want to need nobody. Like, what that's scary. If somebody says they want you to need them, it's there's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

Yeah. It's some deeper stuff, but Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:08

That's how people get stay trapped. Because, like, you know, hey, I can't leave this house because I need him to pay the half of the bill. I can't, I can't do this because I need them to provide this. You gotta be able to provide.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

She's doing too good. Yeah. I need her to need me. That's how my father is with his partners. He purposely chooses women who are not on the level that my mother was when they were married because he doesn't want them to be able to leave him. Anytime they break up, it's him leaving them. And then he needs them all worse than what they were before he met them. That is his gameplay. A girl, I know. I know. Yeah. Any woman he gets with, she can't be. She gotta be fucked up and he gotta be the save hole. Master. Yeah, just they all have addictions. Every single one has some type of addiction. And then he comes in and you don't need to be doing it. You need somebody to tell you what to do. You can't control yourself. You did Yes, girl. And I was like, I would never be in that position. Seeing how he treats these women, I would never be in that position.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

That's scary. We're gonna be alright. Feel free to reach out to us to share your stories of why you cut off your ex. Mm-hmm. What made you a single mom? Why you had to cut them from the team. Because I feel like it will help other people.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

Or why you had to cut a member from your so-called village or people from the op section. Family, friend, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 34:27

Exactly. I mean, I'm anti-sharing accounts now. I don't share phone plans. Like I realize none of that. None of that really works unless you have someone who's equ equally yoked and like stable like you. Like otherwise, someone's just gonna be leeching off of you. Like, I will say this. Um, my kid's father, he can't keep a phone on to save his life.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Like, this is my new number. Who is this? It's my new number.

SPEAKER_02 34:54

God damn again. I don't know how many new numbers I done seen over the years. Like, and more recently, he takes me back and forth to court, and he got to court. Um, I went on a work trip to South Africa, and during that trip, he was supposed to get his daughter a new phone. He got a new phone and put it on another plan so he could go to court and say he was paying a phone bill. Now, mind you, there's three kids, not just one. But, you know, just recently her phone was off. And I was like, I gotta let her learn the hard way. Like, no one told you to switch them phone plans so you could get a new phone. Phone is nice and flashy. I say, but it don't work if it's a big thing.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

It's just a paperweight. Now it's just a paperweight paper. It's just a Wi-Fi catcher. That's all it is right now.

SPEAKER_02 35:34

Well the habits die hard.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

Like, ugh.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

Yeah. I was like, I mean, 40 plus, you can't keep your phone on. I wasn't the problem.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

No. I had the same number for 20 something years.

SPEAKER_02 35:47

No, you just gotta cut people. Listen, ATT will cut them off. I don't even think ATT's around anymore. Sprint will cut them off. I don't even think Sprint's around anymore. People will cut you off if you don't pay the bill. So if someone is not paying the bill in your life and costing you way more than they are worth, cut them off.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 36:06

We gotta take lesson from the phone companies. You don't keep up with your bill every month. You don't take care of your responsibilities, cut them off. People and phones. Lord have mercy. Flash them back again.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Calm down. You're gonna be already. You are better now. You are safe.

SPEAKER_02 36:22

We gotta write down, take the time and look at your team and do a pros and cons list. Write down your good players, your medium players, and your players that you gotta cut completely.

SPEAKER_01 36:30

Right. Everybody can't stay on the roster.

SPEAKER_02 36:32

Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_01 36:33

Because a friend to everyone is a friend to no one.

SPEAKER_02 36:36

Exactly. You gotta make sure they are down for your team. They can't play both sides. It's none of that. You gotta make sure, listen, because they'll mm-mm. You can't have those type of players on your team. You'll think you're scoring, they snatch the ball and give it to somebody else. And I'm sure we've all experienced it.

SPEAKER_01 36:49

Or give somebody your secret plays because they talk too much.

SPEAKER_02 36:53

Exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

How did you notice?

SPEAKER_02 36:56

Oh, okay. This is the only person I told.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

Exactly. I set that trap for you all weeks ago.

SPEAKER_02 37:05

Yes. So, you know, you gotta do, and I think it's healthy to do like a contract review for everybody on your team like once a year. Like, hey, let's let's think about our friendship. Let's re-evaluate. We get evaluated at our jobs every year. We should evaluate everybody on our freaking teams as well.

SPEAKER_01 37:21

Yeah, people have access to your energy. That's important.

SPEAKER_02 37:24

Yeah. That is a currency. Yeah. And one that you can't get back.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

Time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

Yes. Yes. So, you know, take the time and decide if you want to renew the contract with that teammate or that person in your life, that friend. Sometimes things expire. Sometimes they no longer play for the team.

SPEAKER_01 37:41

And that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 37:42

Wish them well other places. Another team will pick them up. This is life.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

Motherfuckers be having knee injuries left and right. You can't play on this team no more. You ain't you know what I'm saying? So it happens. You're taking more than you're putting in. And that can mean anything. Time, energy, effort.

SPEAKER_02 38:00

You're not catching. You're not catching the ball.

SPEAKER_00 38:02

Right?

SPEAKER_02 38:04

Yeah. And then you gotta run a play. You gotta execute and cut people off. Block them, delete them, mute them, and move on. And I mean, honestly, that goes for everybody. Anybody can get it. No one is exempt. Not family, not friends, not jobs, not employers, like none of that. If it doesn't work for your spirit, your soul, if it's not feeding you right, it's time to move.

SPEAKER_01 38:26

It's time to cut off.

SPEAKER_02 38:27

You only get to live this life one time.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Right. And no regurts, no regurts, no regrets, none of that. So let's go ahead and just do some like affirmations when you are in these situations and you need to feel a little bit more grounded in your decision as well as you feel need to be uplifted for your future as well. That's the reason why you're cutting. It was too heavy for you. You gotta you gotta ascend. You can't ascend with weights around your ankles. Affirmation you could do is I am the captain of my ship.

SPEAKER_02 38:53

The captain of my ship. I believe that. You know why? Because we gotta take control and ownership of the ship, right? And the ship got too much shit on it, it's gonna sink.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

If the ship got too much shit, it's gonna sink. It's it'll turn to chips. Ships or sink. Chips? Chips. Okay. I do not swim in waters that drown my peace. I am I do not swim in shitty water. He's talking about shit. Well, okay, here I guess that's the theme of this. Okay. I am worthy of healthy love and financial stability.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

I am worthy of healthy love and financial stability. Otherwise, I only swim in clean, non-shark-infested waters.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

Don't play with my money, shit. I thought you were gonna bring that up. But and I am teaching my children that boundaries, I'm I teach my children what boundaries look like. They they see they're always watching. They watch every single thing you do.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Everything.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

Everything you do.

SPEAKER_02 39:55

Listen, I got it so like they got a knock to come into my room. And now they're like, um, you didn't knock come into my room.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

I need to start that.

SPEAKER_02 40:04

You're right, though.

SPEAKER_01 40:05

You can't do anything but respect it.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

Like, but they do it to each other too. Like, hey, it's now a good time for me to come in. And I think that's so important. And it'll give them signs when they grow up, like if friends are just dumping on them versus saying, hey, do you have the mental capacity to talk to me right now? I got some things going on. And you'll see the people who respect that and the people who just push past it.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

Uh we hope this talk helps you be able to not only center yourself, but also be able to center other single moms around you for support. So look into financial literacy courses to help you get out of those predicaments where someone is draining your resources or you are a victim of financial abuse, which I have been a victim of financial abuse. And I know Kway, yes, Mitch as well. So that's a topic that we'll go further into, especially being single moms. And then realize that you are perfect, imperfect in your own way. You are worthy, as Koi said, of having healthy relationships and being a captain of your ship. Being a captain of your ship means that you are able to build and curate the future, the life that you want today.

SPEAKER_02 41:10

You are the main character in your story.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

You're not an NPC.

SPEAKER_02 41:14

No.

SPEAKER_01 41:14

Ew, no, not my friend.

SPEAKER_02 41:16

Yeah, no. Not part of my honey have. Okay. Mm-mm-mm. No, you know, just make sure that you realize even though you make these cuts from your team, you're not losing anything. The people who are supposed to be there in your lives will always be there for you.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:31

Sometimes you just gotta cut off the dead weight. And I'm telling you, it has like the Benjamin Buttons effect. Yes. I'll tell you this. I see my patients now, and they're like, they'll ask me about my kids, and they're like, How old are your kids? I'm like, I got an 18-year-old. They're like, You got an 18-year-old what? And I was like, They're like, well, how old are you? So then I tell them, they're like, oh, well, I didn't think you were that old. I'm only 40 something, but you know, they're thinking I'm like late 20s, maybe 30, right? And I'm like, it's because I dropped 240 pounds of dead weight. And I dropped it off of my shit into the sea of shit. I no longer carry it with me. So the stitch and the weight of someone gone. Gone. Go, go. Because I cut them off.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

So we will.

SPEAKER_02 42:15

And the friends I don't need, I cut them off too. Anyway, go ahead. Wash right. I said it. Wash friends. I said what I said. I said what I said too.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

Exactly. So we will have a future episode to be able to talk about how you can rebuild your team. You know, that's what we're doing here. We're building a community for single moms to be able to come to get not only information, but to be able to relate to others and realize that we are stronger together. So go ahead, once again, rate and review our podcast wherever you're listening to us. And also share this with other single moms like yourselves if you found this episode to be helpful. If there is ever anything that you need or you will like you would like to contact us, follow us at single mom honey official on all platforms. Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and also you can send us an email at single momhoney at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 43:09

Alright, until next time, you bring the tea.

SPEAKER_01 43:12

We got the honey.

SPEAKER_02 43:13

See you next time. Bye.