14: Running on Empty: Sleep Deprivation Pt. 2

Today we’re continuing to talk about sleep deprivation as a single mom.

So let’s talk about what sleep deprivation really looks like, how it affects you, and how to support yourself without shame.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

All right, so running on E. We know what it is. I I would like to say running on E is a privilege, but I'm used to running on that negative E. You know, that negative E.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Running on E is like playing Russian roulette. Because you never know. You get onto that little red bar on the gas tank. You just never know when the car is gonna shut up for real. That's something I got five more miles. I got like seven miles. So people like, I got ten miles on red.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

It has been on zero for the last two days. Like you are really pushing it. Literally to the limit. Or the Miami. Sorry, I heard it. I heard it. I had to do it. But let's talk about realistic support strategy. So when you're a single mom and you're taking care of these kids on your own, and we all need sleep. You know, we are human, even though we consider ourselves superheroes from time to time. We have to really understand that lowering the bar is okay. Like lower the bar of not only our unrealistic expectations, but also societal unrealistic expectations of us as mothers. So not every night needs to be a perfect routine.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

I used to kill myself every night doing a perfect routine, even when I was the stress alone will kill you, and the sleep deprivation will help it. So you don't need to kill yourself too.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

But I just told myself, in order for me to possibly, possibly have a good night's sleep, I needed to go ahead and give myself a bubble my son a bow bath. I need to go ahead and give him a massage when I moisturized him to make sure he was okay and relaxed. I need to go ahead and read the books until he started to close his eyes. I need to go ahead and rock him in his um rocker until he fell asleep. Place him down gently into his crib, crawl out army style, and then I'll be able to get some rest. 20 minutes later, like it would be right back to like it never happened. Never happened.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

I think that I probably tried to super mom with the first kid, but after each other. Oh, this is my first one.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

This is my first one.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Okay, yeah. After each kid, I just, you know how people be like, fuck them kids. But I don't really feel like that. At first I used to be offended when people said that. How dare someone? They don't even care. Like the stuff that you be caring about, they don't care. Yeah. And I think sometimes we just have to like detach from like the societal norms when it comes to motherhood, especially single motherhood. I mean, it's already not perfect because it wasn't supposed to be like that in the first place. So this is true. Trying to hold yourself to this sense of perfection is just like you got support.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

Like you got somebody to uh say, well, I'm Sunday, Wednesday, Friday, you do Thursday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and then Sunday will alternate every other week. It never works like that.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Because, like in real life, the person who was supposed to be supporting you is technically gone.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Or was never there.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Or was never there, or gives you little to no support. Yeah. And while there is support. Listen, listen, it's inconsistent at best.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

So, you know, not every night needs to be perfect.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

No night needs to be perfect. It just needs to be a calm, peaceful night. Yeah. That's what I strive for. Peace, calmness. Let's get to bed. Let's relax. However, we make it there.

SPEAKER_02 3:08

Is that and that moves me to my next point is that some night survival is what's perfect. Survival is success. To just be able to lay down all of your bodies and just be together, be separate, or be, like you said, calm at the moment. So that's what's really. So some of the things that I pull myself out of trying to be that have a perfect nighttime routine and of hopes of believing, this it's the night. I'm gonna sleep eight hours. This tonight I'm gonna sleep ten hours. This tonight is making sure that I create micro rest moments throughout the day, if possible. Or mainly before bedtime. So 10 minutes of lying down. We're just in our pajamas. We're already showered, we're already moisturized, we're just lying down. Maybe it was on the couch, maybe it's not necessary in the bed, maybe it's on a um lazy boy, just lying down with no TV, no phone, no distractions, nothing, just quietness. And then once I'm able to get them down, that I also have my time of quietness, no TV, no phone, anything like that, and doing some deep breathing. I don't think I've consciously thought about a deep breathing routine. It's like my body just needed it. Like finding when the day was over with, work is over with, school drop-off pickup is over with, making lunches is over with, meetings is over with, going running errands for family is over with, putting trash out, bringing the trash can, it's just like I survived.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

You know, then there's me on the other hand. Once I realized that I was outnumbered in my home, what? Outnumbered. So it was like me against the natives every fucking night. I mean I tried sleep routines for a little bit, and then I just gave them the rules. Like, if you go to bed late, you still gotta get up in the morning. So you better make the right choice. Because you know who's going to sleep? Me. I had to choose me. Listen, I I had to start choosing me because when I was running on fumes, like I told you, like I was in that car accident and I was just running, running, running. And a lot of the times, if you don't set boundaries for yourself, like your kids don't have the right boundaries either. They're not gonna respect your boundaries. Like, so you know, I was staying up at night charting for work, you know, trying to get their stuff ready, trying to do this, trying to do that. And my body, eventually, I would just fall asleep wherever, right? But thinking that I was doing something. Um, now I just have when my body says I need a nap, for the most part, I take five, ten minutes, twenty minutes, them power naps, be like, I come back as a power ranger.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Have you made any micro changes to our your nighttime routine, other than I guess just telling him them what's the rules and then shutting your door?

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Well, the door's not shut, so they can come. Like, you know, if they need something. But once I retire to my room, I'm retired to my room. Like the name mom, that retires at a certain time at night. What? Listen, listen, listen. I'd be like, oh, she's she's off. I ain't really off, but like, you know, at this time it's time for them to get ready, get your clothes. They know what they need to do. They're 10, 12, and 18 now. So it's like, you know, before y'all had me running around ragged. I was just looking crazy, feeling crazy, running on fumes, and it just wasn't good for my health.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

Like I said, when you don't get sleep, I ended up with AFib, right? That's a problem. So not getting sleep could put you on track for heart disease, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

I don't want that, but I got it. Like, you know, so I just had to make changes so I could actually be here longer for them. I do meditate now. You know what I've been doing?

SPEAKER_02 6:45

What?

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Trusting God and going to bed? The light's still on it? Sometimes. I can't practice every night. Like, I try it, because I don't like the electric bill.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Girls, the electric bill becoming a swing.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Crazy now. Uh it's crazy now. I feel like I pay more in uh electric than I pay for my mortgage.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Mm-hmm. Who you telling?

SPEAKER_02 7:03

I'm legal too. Tell you the truth. Like y'all gonna get a settlement somehow, some way, because that sounds great.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah, it is absolutely crazy. I have started doing some meditation or listening to music before um we go to bed. I tell the kids, like, get your reading. I I have started them doing reading before bed. Like, they gotta do their 25-minute reading. And I'll have my son read and then before he goes to bed, come tell me what he read about so I can make sure that he understood it. And then I pray with them and go to bed. I say, Hey, try sleeping in your own bed. Cool. Most nice they do. But if you want her back to mommy's room, that's fine. Just find a space. Don't wake me up.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

See, just I hear 'em. As soon as they get out of bed, I hear them and my eyes open. And I'm like, wait to put them little foot footprints to reach my room.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

And I'm like, Actually, I do still hear them coming down the steps.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

Yes. You know, but on a couple occasions I woke up and I was like, what the hell? Like, and that's scary because like I heard nothing. That's entirely.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

I mean she passed out. That means she passed out.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Yes, I did. I'm like, it's dangerous.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

You know, I did give them like, hey, turn your TV off, you know, turn the lights off. I gave them rules. So, you know, they follow them to the best of their ability, but I cannot be a helicopter mom and also like survive at this point. Like, they have to take some responsibility. I take care of everything because I am a single mom. I can't be in every place at every single time and still wake them up in the morning because I'm still required to wake them up because the alarm clocks they don't care about those. I set your alarm. I say it every night. They be like, Oh mom, I heard it, but I hit snooze. Like, what does that mean for me? I already did school. That's what I keep saying. Like, I already did this, but I still gotta do it again. So, you know, setting boundaries for me has helped to relax my nervous system.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

Yes, I will say that. Like the nervous is such a huge impact on all of us, especially women, especially mother. Yeah, your nervous system be on fire.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

I I feel like now that I have accepted and detached from like society's norms when it comes to like setting the bedtime routine and trying to do everything perfectly, I can relax in my mind. Because then you're you're your worst critic. Like, you know, you're like, you know, they're they're tired in the morning because they didn't go to bed on time. Well, I told them to. But that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

See, my children are younger than yours. So that's why I'm really big on the bedtime routine. Because not it's not like when they're that young, they don't understand why they're cranky and mad the next day. They don't understand this is a consequence of me staying up later than when mommy told me to go to bed or me acting up last night and and I didn't want to go to bed. Now it's not only my issue, now it's their teacher's issue. Or, you know, I don't want them to have a bad day because Yeah, I don't want them to have a bad day either. But if you're old enough today, like could bear that responsibility like day. Yeah, I was about to say, because I'm like, we all got treatments to make it better. Everybody, I don't care who won't some.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

Like, sorry, he didn't go to bed or you know, they don't blame the kids, they blame you.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

Listen, I am unapologetic at this point in my life. I've gotten through, look, there's one that's 18 now, so I'm like, thank God. But you know, from all of this sleep deprivation, you do get like mom fatigue, you know. When the when the the oldest one just turned 18, for a split second, I was like, shit, I made it. And then I realized that there were still two more.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Yeah, but you decrease it by one. That's a huge deal. Well, kinda. I mean, she'll be leaving to go to college this year. When you look at it that way, you can say that. She'll be leaving to go to college this year. So then you really only have two.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yeah, that's gonna be crazy. Like, I don't even know what that life is like anymore.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

I'm excited. I'm excited that she's grown up and going to college, but like, you know, these two are getting together. They're getting on the bus together, you know, they're a little closer in age. And I do feel a lot more calm, a lot more stable and steady in my mind, you know, about my skills as a mother. You know, this one is still alive and breathing. I used to watch her chest go up and down when she was little. I think we should talk about realistic support strategies when it comes to sleep. Like on the weekends, being able to make sure we send them to like family members or see and if you have a support system, some people. Yeah, okay. So let's say all right. So let's talk about realistic support strategies. And that includes your support system, right? So everybody doesn't have a support system, but if you do, utilize Yes, absolutely. Utilize. Right? What's the word of the day? Utilize your support system. When you are tired, ask for help. When they nap, we nap just like that.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

Never I never succeeded at it. I was a nap when they nap failure, and I just gave up on it. But yeah, definitely utilize your support system. How do you utilize your support system to help with your sleep prep deprivation?

SPEAKER_00 11:58

On the weekends, I my son loves playing with his cousin, which is more like his brother. So, you know, I got two sisters. They got kids, all the cousins are like siblings. So on a weekend, I'm a single parent. So the kids say they want to go play. I absolutely know. Go play with your cousins. And during that time, that's the time I get for me to catch up on sleep or other things that I want to do. You know, some adulting, some sleeping, but rejuvenating my body is what I focus on when the kids are away, maybe for the weekend. Because my support system really just includes my sisters and my brother-in-law. And as far as like child care goes, I I take a break when I can. Um, you know, I also, you know, during the times that they have extracurricular activities, I take naps.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

Like at their practice order games?

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Not the games, but like at the end of the day. I mean, if I had to, I would. Like my body, if my body goes to sleep, ain't nothing I could do. It's involuntary. But that's not my intention. But I'm saying, like, if they go in for a practice and I can shut my eyes for like 15, 20 minutes, but they're out the field, because my son plays soccer. Like, I don't gotta be on the field. Like typically I'm in my car and he'll be on the field, or he's in the gym with his footsole and you know, sitting on the bleachers. I'm finishing up work or sitting back, relaxing, listening to music. Listen, something else has your child's attention for the moment. Take a break. It's okay to take a break. They are they are happy and fulfilled in what they're doing. Utilize your support system. That is part of the support support system that you pay for. But like, you know, your family, your friends, like work with them. You know, I watch my sister's kids too, so they can get a break. Like some nights we just swap. I'll have all the girls, they'll have all the boys.

SPEAKER_02 13:48

My mom and my aunt used to do that. My aunt had two boys and a girl, and my mom had myself and my older brother, and they would do that every other weekend. One weekend, my mom would get the girls, one weekend my aunt would get the girls, and then they'll just swap back and forth. And it worked out perfectly. It gave them a chance to just chill.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

It's wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Yeah, like because you know the boys gonna play with each other, you know the girls gonna play with each other. It actually is a good weekend because you can watch them, but you actually having your own weekend at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Exactly. I'll be in my room, they don't even be worried about me. I be like, oh, what you need? There's food. They'd be like, there is shelter, you're safe, there are activities. Auntie's here if you need her.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

You know, so and for me, I got two sisters, so it's like, hey, listen, we swap out so they can have date nights, and they swap out so I can have date nights. Like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

It works. You just have to don't be afraid to ask. And it's okay if someone says no, if they don't have the capacity to do so, you know.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Exactly. And just like you give them grace, you give yourself grace as well.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Because realizing that, you know, exhaustion doesn't mean you're failing. I don't feel like I ever felt like I was failing because I was tired. I just felt more so like this is unrealistic. This I shouldn't have to do this much.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

It's not sustainable. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

To put a dent, a teeny tiny dent in a list that should have been split equally between two adults. I shouldn't have to do that. So being a single mom realizing that it is literally only me now, I give myself grace because I knew how hard it was to be a single married mom and taking care of a whole nother adult human being. You know, it wasn't what it was, but it just well, you know what?

SPEAKER_00 15:31

I will say this it is a blessing not to be taking care of a whole nother adult human being anymore. Like that does wonders for your nervous system.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's still on fire, but it's you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 15:45

It's like extra weight off. Like you just dropped like a good 250, 200 pounds that she was carrying around.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

Yes, absolutely. So, what do you tell yourself on hard days, Quay? What do you really say to yourself?

SPEAKER_00 16:00

What I really say to myself is more recently I've been telling myself that all my thoughts aren't true. Um, because sometimes, you know, I get anxious and I always play the what if game in my mind. And then sometimes I gotta be like, girl, stop.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

I don't even know what to do. But if we try to it tries to start, and then before I can even get her, I'll be like, stop it. We're not doing that.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Yeah, and you know, I really on the rough days, just try to stay focused because there's always that long ass list of things that you need to get done. And I really just do one thing after another. And somehow, if you don't, you know, focus on like, oh my God, there's so much to get done, it still gets done. Like you just conquer one task at a time. And if, you know, something's left over, you save it for the next day. I just I stopped being so hard on myself. I've allowed myself to be a little softer to me when I engage in self-care. Because I, you know, like I was saying before, before I was my worst critic. And then like at some point you realize, like, you run in circles around all these other fucking people. Like, I don't even know if anybody can handle the days that I go through. Single mothering is not for the week. No, you're like strong as fuck, beautiful as fuck, resilient as fuck. Like, I have to do positive affirmations. Like, I got this shit, even when I don't feel like it. And if I get sad, I realize and I tell myself, this is temporary.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

This feeling that I got is temporary. And it really is. Like, you may get down for a moment, but you got shit to do. So, you know, you cry for a second and then you keep it moving. Like, you know.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

I would say when sleep deprivation is heavy, um, you gotta remind yourself, I'm doing the best I can. What I got. Ain't that what Mariah Carey said. But what I got, which is limited sleep. Okay. I'm not gonna meet all the marks, and I'm not worried about it. Like, I am literally doing the best I can. And then, like you said, also the season, it won't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Even less joy doesn't last forever.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Angriness doesn't last forever, depression doesn't last forever. All that's something that lasts forever. Temporary is temporary, and also my exhaustion does not define my worth.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

I feel like that's what I was fighting for, my worth to prove it to not only others, but most importantly to myself when I was trying to do that perfect, perfect.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

You can just gather in there that you are worthy, period.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

And you don't have to prove yourself to anybody. Once you get past that, you get a sense of freedom and mental clarity, you know. Otherwise, you trap yourself in this prison of like prison of perfection. That's what I call it.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

You know? And also it holds you into like a I don't want to say purgatory, like perfection purgatory, like you just can't move forward because you're still mad about what happened two, three nights ago and how that messed up the whole routine for the next day and how you're gonna try to make it better, and then you keep going back to, yeah, I'm doing okay now, but what about when I, you know, drop the ball back then? Girl, you're gonna make yourself crazy. Then who your kids got? Then who your kids got? If you're worried about some little small stuff, but did you die? No. No, you survived. And so did those kids. Debbie, you win a boo.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

You win a boo. You know, I think we just need to talk to ourselves. You know the love and encouragement we give our children. Sometimes you need to be soft and talk to yourself like that.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

Like, girl, you got this. You got this. It's okay to yawn. You see how you tried to hold that yawn in here? Yep, I did.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

I didn't want to be all good.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

I didn't hold it in. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to be human. Tell yourself that too. You've been super all day. Shit. You can sit back and pre. Relax. Let it out. You know. Let it let it out. You also gotta give yourself like moments of validation. Like what? Like, no one said this to you lately. Right now, what you're doing is incredibly hard. True. And you're killing it. True. Y'all hear that? Fellow singer mama. I'm allowed to be tired.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

True. And you don't gotta put the D on it. Save the D for other fun times. You're allowed to rest.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Rest is not a good idea. You're allowed to as we said before.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Exactly. Um, you're allowed to need help, support. You're allowed to ask. It doesn't make you less than. And you don't need to be strong all the time.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

Yeah, absolutely. I gave up on that. I'm a strong single mother. I'm a strong black woman. I'm a strong. I know what I'm capable of. Advertise it. I'm trying to prove who am I proving it to? Who? I know what I'm capable of. I don't need to advertise it. Okay? I'm not trying to be strong all the time. Cause when you're strong all the time, ain't nobody coming to check for you. Ain't nobody coming to support you. Ain't nobody coming to congratulate you. It's what's expected.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

So no one's coming to save you.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

So flex your muscles all you want. No one cares.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

If you need to say that to yourself to motivate yourself and for the time being, okay. But you don't need to be screaming it for the rooftop. First of all, how did you get up there? Would you fixing the rooftop? Like come like get down. Oh you hurt yourself. Yeah. Alright, so we want to thank you for spending this time with us. You know, if this episode is if it's what? Right. If this episode felt like a mirror, share it with another single mom who might need to feel seen. We want you to subscribe, leave a review, go ahead and send us a text. There's a link underneath our episode in the description that you could send a text directly to single mom honey. Or if you wanted to send us an email, single momhoney at gmail.com. And don't forget to follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok at SingleMom HoneyOfficial. Lastly, please go ahead and join the community. Be a part of it so we can swap tea and honey all day long with fellow single moms like ourselves at tea time with single mom honey on Facebook. We're looking forward to you joining so we can all start the dialogue that is necessary to not only uplift one another but ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

So remember, we're listening until next time. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Yes. Rest when you can. And remember that you were doing enough and you are more than enough.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

Absolutely. So join us next week for another episode.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

All right, I'm Kway. I cover the hoe.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

I'm Aisha. I cover money.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

You bring the tea.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

And we got the honey.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

All right. See you next time. Bye.

unknown 22:28

All right.