15: Child Support Isn't Enough

Let’s just go ahead and say it—child support is not enough. And for a lot of us, it was never designed to be. And this isn’t a bitter conversation. This is a real one. Because too many single moms are silently struggling trying to make it all work.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Single Mom Honey, the podcast dedicated to single moms with a focus on health, money, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Kway and I cover the health.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

And I'm Aisha, I cover the money. So let's go ahead and say it. So when you hear the word single mom, sometimes it seems to be synonymous with child support because somebody gotta support these children. Alright? Somebody. Somebody.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

You, baby. Yeah, and for some reason, there's this like ideology that like child support is what actually supports the kids. Like, like it's actually enough in that, like, somehow I am secretly living off of the child support.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Then that doesn't mean that it's enough. That means you're getting way more than you need. That means you're getting a surplus if you're living off of it. That's the notion that some people believe when it comes to child support. I have seen videos of guys, sorry, boys, who would like to have an itemized list of every single item that is purchased with their child support each month from the mother. If you wanted that, you should have just took care of your family the way you should have been. Exactly. And I wouldn't say stay because there are situations just like this.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Like you would know if you were active. Because child support is just like only touching the tip of the iceberg when it comes to caring for kids. I I sit here and think, like, you can't even, I can't even personally can't even calculate the child support. Like, I can't be like, hey, you know, I can count on this for this month. Like, if it comes, it's like it's like a Christmas miracle. But not even for Christmas. It might get me Christmas cookies. Like, you know, it ain't covering nothing else. You know, and for most of us, like I feel like me and you, we have to take care of the kids despite whether or not we get child support.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

You know, it's a blessing if you get it, but you can't count on it.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

And even if you do get it, I know some women who get child support every month. $50 a month. Okay, that's insulting. It is. Or $200 a month for two kids or something like that. Like that.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Try between $100 and $200 for three kids.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

That that anyways, okay. So we know child support is not enough. We know it's not enough. And for a lot of us, it was never designed to be, you know? Um, and if we're being honest, some of us surviving despite child support, not because of it.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

Exactly. And this isn't like a bitter baby's mama. First of all, we are not baby's mamas. Anyway, I'm just saying, I had a guy, I got a phone call one day and somebody's like, is this such and such as baby mom? I said, excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

That tells me more about you than it says about me. If you come and label anyone, and even though we are divorced, as then we had our children after we got married, but also even if you didn't have children during a marriage or before marriage, whatever, I would still never call a woman a baby mom. I don't even like calling them guys baby daddies. Me either. That's weird to me.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

So again, this is not a bitter conversation, it's a real one because there are way too many single moms that are silently struggling to make it all work. And silently meaning that we just fight these battles day in and day out. And no one's really listening, but we are. Exactly. So um, when we talk about support, uh, people actually think just about money. But what about like the mental load, emotional responsibility, being the default parent 24-7, 365? Exactly. There might even be an extra day in the year if it's a leap year.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Yeah, and if we really want to look at it from a financial standpoint, because finances really do matter. Like you say all the time, these kids eat every day. Every day.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

It's not a day of like multiple times a day, though.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

Well, yes, it's not a day like, you know what, snaps in between because mommy's on a budget, so we're only gonna eat Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Now, if your dad pays child support, then you might get a treat Thursday. Like, no, that's not what happens. You still have to be able to provide. And financially, when you look at the numbers, let's put the numbers on it. Raising a child today, okay, costs over $200,000 over.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

That's food.

SPEAKER_02 4:17

That's crazy. And so, first of all, I'm like, what is the average salary? Is that for one child, raising one child?

SPEAKER_00 4:23

One child. That's perfectly one child. Listen, you guys a quarter million. I mean a half a million. No, seriously, I thought it was a half a million. So this is my first time hearing stats about it being 200,000. I don't think that's correct. I'm not sure we're raising a child at $200,000 in this day and age, but I thought it was a half a million per kid. But that includes food, outcare, school, clothes, activities, basically everything. You want to be able to provide for your child, not only meet their needs, but it would be nice as a parent to meet their wants as well, you know, because we think all think back to our childhood and how great and wonderful it was. I didn't know the money issues that my mother was going through while I was a child because she handled it very well. And I hope to be able to provide the same thing to my children.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

I would like to be able to do that, but I feel like my kids know, maybe since they're a little older, they know when I get paid. What? They do. They got your schedule on their phone. They got my schedule ingrained in their brain. Like, this is pay week, right? Because in all honesty, like, it is just me. Sometimes I have to have that conversation with them. Like, we have to wait.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

Until mommy gets paid to do that. Like, you know? And I don't think it's a bad thing. I think they need to face reality. Like, it's it is difficult doing it by yourself. And if you are faced to do this by yourself, you will have to budget. Like, I never get a full payment of child support. Never get over the channel.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

I haven't got a full payment of child support in two years.

unknown 5:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

I mean two years?

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Like two years.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

I feel like it's been shit. Have you ever had a lot of people?

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Six months straight from the time that order went through. Never. What's the longest stretch you ever got? Child support. Like on a monthly basis.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Sometimes maybe one month.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

You've never gotten two months in a row? No, not two full payments in a row. Typically what will happen happen is it's like a cycle. It'll be like one payment and then a partial payment and then maybe no payment. Sometimes skip a couple months, and then I gotta go back to contempt court. And then it's like a purge payment.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Just to keep himself out of jail.

SPEAKER_02 6:25

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Out of jail.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

So, like another interesting uh stat would be that uh only 43 to 45% of custodial parents receive the full amount that they're owed each month. That's not even half. That's not even half.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

What's the prize is that high based on our personal situation and also, you know, friends and family members that I know uh who then again, I have cousins who pay child support. They haven't missed one payment in eight years.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Since we pay child support who haven't missed payments.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

My male cousins have their kids half of the time. So they are spending money for eight years straight, every single month, and then have their kids half the time, if not more. Like wonderful. And these are my male cousins who are unfortunate.

SPEAKER_02 7:07

My male cousins take care of their kids too.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

But I do think it's like, you know, it's a family thing. Like, that's why it's important to like really see the structure of your partner's family prior to engaging with them.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

I sometimes that's not even a factor also uh either.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

I get it, I get it. But I think like when we talk about my case, like his dad was a rolling stone, right? I don't know about your ex's dad, but like I mean, he might say he was gonna follow in those footsteps. But also it's a personal choice because, you know, whether the dad was there or not, you have a choice to do the right thing or not to do the right thing. Because he also has brothers and they take care of their kids. Like, you know, so I think it's a personal choice.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Like Absolutely. That's why I feel like I don't know if you can really choose that as a factor for when it comes to responsibility, but it does matter because a lot of people come from families where they make excuses for them no matter what. Exactly. I always say, and this is for me observing your situation before I end up having my own, is that people care more about the reputation of men than they do about the wellness of women and children. The safety together. If there had to be a scale between the other two, men's reputation is up here. The wellness of children and women are women every single time.

SPEAKER_02 8:20

And let's be real, like, child support isn't the safety net that people think it is. Like they're like, isn't he paying something? Isn't he just giving you something? Isn't that enough? He's trying. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Never heard that. Hope to never hear that.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

I hear I've heard all types of things. And I just I'm always in awe of the complete like negligence that the court system has when it comes to child support here in PA and on the part of the people who are advocating for him during child support hearings and all of that. And they also act like it completely negates the fact that I work full-time and take care of everything. Like it's horrible. Like every, I want to say every time I go to court, like I used to take a lawyer with me, but like I realized that I was just paying child support to the lawyer because But it's it's true in my situation too.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

It's like I'm getting this attorney to still owe money for what money is owed to me that I'm obviously never gonna see.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

So And I was like, this is crazy. And I gotta pay for college next year for one of three children, you know. So I don't know. We are carrying the financial load. The custodial parent is carrying the financial load. Like I pay for everything. Child support, if it comes, might be money for Duncan's, for the kids or me. Like shit, it's paying me fucking back.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:47

For everything that I do. Like, it does not really amount to anything. Like, imagine like paying, like, if it was just me here in this house, my electricity bill wouldn't be that high, my gas bill wouldn't be that high. Like, I could ice skate in here for real, for real. I would not have as heat where it's at right now. Like, you know what I mean? And then the weather here in Pittsburgh, I I think somebody in the Oval Office is playing with the fucking weather button because it's been summer, spring, winter.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Somebody snowed yesterday here in Ohio.

SPEAKER_02 10:13

So it hailed here yesterday. It hailed, sunshine, rained, all in one day. I say, you know what? It's about as the weather is about as predictable as the child support. So let's talk about this. About 80% of custodial parents are mothers. So being a single mom is a real thing. Like 80% of single family homes, single parent homes, are ran by their moms. And black women are disproportionately affected by this issue here. We are more likely to be to be the custodial parents carrying all of the loads, carrying. I mean, let's be real, it it can be a burden. We love our children. It doesn't take away from it, but it is a lot. It is a lot to do everything by yourself.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Absolutely. And, you know, there are different things that come along with just the financial low. You mentioned before, the mental low as well, and the emotional load that goes along with it. Because when child support is inconsistent, you don't have that stability to land on. You don't have that I know for sure what is coming into this home and I know for sure what is going out. It is just not enough, you know, and it creates stress.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

It adds to the stress.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

And the anxiety on top of already worrying about the well-being of your baby. You know, now I gotta worry about if I'm gonna be able to meet their needs, not just their wants. So exactly.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Meet their needs and like juggle the time to meet your needs, their needs, the needs from work, society, everything else you do. It's like, you know, if you can't even depend on the child support, it's like you know everything's on you. And then what if something else happens? Like it just can't plan.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

You can't plan, you can't prepare. So you're constantly adjusting. And if we have to shift our mindset when it comes to child support, because if you're dependent on that money to carry your household, you're going to stay in survival mode. And we both know what being in survival mode can do. It's not healthy. Your health. Exactly. Your health can be. It is not healthy. There's it's not sustainable.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

So no, it is not.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

The system was built to like fail us for real. Like, and that's what I've learned time and time again, going back to court over and over again. Like, I don't even file court hearings. Their dad files court hearings for free. He stopped paying his lawyer early on. The lawyer figured out he was fighting for him to lower his child support, but what he didn't know is that he wasn't gonna get paid either. Because he just has a history of not paying people. It just exhausting. You're carrying the load, you're going back to court, because somebody is just trying to find a way out of not taking care of their responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

And it's And I don't know how that could be allowed to be me either. Filing these fraudulent motions, because that's what they are. It's just trying to stall the inevitable and eventually get to the point to wear you down where you just said, you know what, forget it. Forget it. I'll just do it by myself, like I've been doing. Forget it. Like that's it.

SPEAKER_02 13:07

And there's so many moms who do that. They just get so fed up and then they just be like, forget the child support. Well, I'm gonna tell you this right now, mark my words. I'm not gonna forget. Because the court forget. I am doing everything I can to make sure the kids are stable and they have a stable home life. Uh, they have balance, they have the finances they need to have the best life that they can, that I can provide for them. But you will pay for it. Not now, but later. One way or another. Um, I think what like some people fail to realize is if they keep taking you to court, like, yeah, you may tire some people out. That's cool. That's cool. I I stopped paying for a lawyer, lawyer at this point. I'm not paying. But it can come out of your social security. It can come out of any of those other payments later in life. Like, you don't get away scot-free.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

So But they really do. They really do look at that, but then it makes you think, like, is the child support system broken? You know, if this could be, if this could happen, or are we expected too much from it? Like, there's but so much you could do to make any individual do anything. The court only does so much as well.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

I get it. It's like as a mom, you have to subsidize for this broken system over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Or for this broken parent.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

You're right. But the the parents broken, the other parents broken, and the system is broken. So you gotta pull time where time does not exist. You gotta pull from, you gotta make up money. Find myself always trying to figure out another way to increase my income. It's like I gotta pay myself child support so that I can make ends meet. You know, I gotta find another avenue. That's why as a single mom, you have to have, unfortunately, you always have more than one stream of revenue.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

And then, God forbid, you make a little bit of money. No one is out here trying to help you. Think about child care, think about summer camps. I mean, you name it, food, extra snacks. Wait till they get hung for wait till they get home for the summer. Crazy. And then snacks, snacks. It's like, how do you have time to take care of your mental health when you gotta take care of everything?

SPEAKER_00 15:12

You don't. And going back to my question about whether or not the court system is broken, I'm gonna be honest, and I believe it's both. You know, I feel like the system isn't perfect and it was never meant to fully provide for a household. That's what two individuals, mature adults, exactly to be able to do outside of someone else telling you to do it. But when you have an emotionally immature other parent, I refuse to use the word co-parent, especially in my situation. If you have a co-parent how to parent, then you are winning, sis. You are winning other parent, biological parent. That's the best way I could put it. It it's hard. It is hard on your mental. And then I also feel like it impacts you financially because you're worn down to the point sometimes it's hard to budget. It takes time and energy and focus to be able to budget. Absolutely. Budgeting is not easy. That's why a lot of people don't do it.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Yeah, and it's not fair. Like, no, it impacts your goals. You said that almost made me think of uh Lion King when they say, I laugh in the fair face of danger. Yeah, but anyway. Um anyway, we talked about it, you know, shifting our mindset. We talked about the controversy whether or not the child supports the system is broken. We know that it's fucking broken. What do we do to like shift our mindset? What are the solutions? What have you done? You drink it something?

SPEAKER_00 16:32

Yeah, sorry. I'll just drink water. Oh, okay. Um, what have I done? I don't depend on it. I have given up on expecting any dollar and any cent. And if I do receive anything, as you said before, it's a surprise. Maybe we could do Chick-fil-A. Exactly. Other than that is nothing that I look forward to. Would I like to be able to be in a position where I didn't have to script and scrape in order for us to make it to the next paycheck? Absolutely. Would I like to not have insomnia where I'm up in the middle of the night thinking of ways that I can make money so I'll be able to pay daycare or be able to pay daycare and the mortgage? Yeah, that will be nice. But it's just not my situation. It's just not the car so that I've been dealt with. So I do with what I can. And that usually means praying. That means no longer hoping and just dealing with the facts of what it is. I used to get mad, but I don't get mad anymore.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

I don't get mad either. Cause like after a while, you just kind of accept. You just gotta roll with the punches because it's just like it's not coming. You don't know when it's coming. It was like, to me, like if you hold your breath for child support, you're gonna be dead. And I got you.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

My whole thing too is I don't know if you dealt with this with the other parent for your children, but I don't really even feel like a hat.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

There's a question. Girl, because you said the other parent, like there was a another parent that was parenting. In my mind, I can't even take it. Like that, there is nobody else parenting besides me at all, except for the aunties. Like, you know.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

Well, like I was saying, I don't know if you have dealt with this with the other parent of your children. Because let's get to the facts here, or two of you. Um, I know only one child. But they have the nerve to have an attitude. They have the nerve to have an attitude when you bring up the fact that you haven't received child support. Or if the discussion around the children concerning child support is brought up. How dare you talk to them about child support? That's not a discussion you need to have around what but you're not doing anything. These aren't lies that I'm speaking, you know. I remember with his other child's mother, she spoke to the children about child support, and he was so upset with her that she said something to the children that he's paying child support. I don't understand.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

I don't know why people think that kids don't talk. We are not the only single parent homes. Like, you know what I mean? Kids know. And also, a lot of the time I have found in my experience that their other parent may not want things shared about him in what he considers a negative light, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Disparaging.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Yeah, but he'll be like, Yeah, I pay your mom child support. I don't know what's happening, you know. But then I'm like, they're like, Well, dad said that he gave you money for us. Girl, I ain't received nothing.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

So it's like who's telling the truth and who's lying.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

That's horrible to pull the kids' minds like that.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

That's yeah, I'm a big believer in just being honest. If they ask me something, I'll let them know. We're not gonna sit here and pretend.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

I don't sugarcoat either. I make sure it's child appropriate for the conversation and but at the same time, I do not lie. I do not expect my children to lie. I give them the facts of what they can handle, and that is what it is. But I definitely budget without it. Like you said before, reaching it, like it's extra. It's not guaranteed income. And that's very good. That's the business if you look at it.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

Exactly. We you wanted that thing. Maybe we can go grab that for you today, because a little bit of extra money. Because it's never enough to cover a full bill, it's never enough to cover the groceries, it's never enough to like actually do something impactful for the family as a whole. It just it's not enough. And again, when you said earlier that it cost over $200,000 to raise one kid every year, like that's wild.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Not every year over the course of 18 years.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

No, girl, that's a lot. That's why I said that was fake. Because when I said it it was nothing. I thought it was a year. I was like, girl, because I need I need that uh that job to pay $600,000 a month.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

It might even be a million from zero to 18, tell you the truth.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

I agree, because I'm like, there's no way. And like, you know, even with me uh having to order for child support, I still cover the health insurance. I still cover everything.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

So it's like I have never paid for health insurance for myself from the time I got married to now. I've always carried a family plan because I was the one with the stable employment, that I didn't have breaks in my employment, I didn't get laid off, I didn't get fired. So that is one of the smartest things to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

I will say this. Um, I tried one time when I was married to let the kid's father put us on his insurance. And how long was that coverage? I think maybe two and a half months.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

I thought you were about to say two and a half years. Oh I know you told the one. That's not about that's not about whack, right? Like when that's when the other shoe was like, I'm ready to drop.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

With no warning. I was just like, wait a second, there's not insurance. Letter in the mail. No, you ain't see you ain't even said nothing. Like, you know, and it's just so important to actually look at the state. Before you get to that point, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

When we were going doing our divorce proceedings and we were finalizing everything. Yeah. My attorney, his attorney was there, my attorney was there, the magistrate, we were going through all the paperwork, and my attorney like, wait, is this right? You're gonna cover the children's health insurance? I said, Yeah. And then his attorney looked at him and was like, uh, why was she? They've never heard of that. These two men, attorney, male attorneys, even a magistrate, was like, are you sure you want to cover the children and health insurance? He and I know what it is. He had no shame at all. He was in her hotel, like, nose up in the air, feeling all dainty and sassy. And I was like, yes. And for a moment, just a slight moment, I had this warm feeling of shame over me that the man that I chose to marry and have children with couldn't even be dependable to provide health insurance for the children that he helped create. And that's a hard one. The look that I was getting in the courtroom from all those other people was like, mm-hmm. I've never seen the mother write down that she was going to cover the health insurance for the children. It's usually the father does that. But if you're sure, you'll they ask me three times, girl. I said, Damn, can we get over this? Yes. I know who he is. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

Exactly. And you need to know who those people are. Once you realize who they are, believe them. Because otherwise, you're just gonna add extra stress.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

I never carry ever.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Yeah, I tried it one time. Never again.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

Never again. He never even offered it because he knew what it was. Ugh, and a year later, he ain't have no job, ain't have one since. So it's been about two and a half years now.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Well, see, I had this struggle of for a long time I hated the word entrepreneur because this man kept saying, I'm an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. I was like, is that like equivalent to saying I am unemployed, I am a deadbeat, don't Darby artist. Something. Like, because it was like, every time he said that, he said it with so much pride. But I was like, it brought nothing to the table. It didn't bring any security for the children.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

And that's all that matters. What are you mad about?

SPEAKER_02 23:51

You're right. You're right. I will say this. The last time I was at court when he was trying to get another decrease in his child support that he already doesn't pay, he started talking about his obligations. And for the moment, I thought to myself, is he gonna say he has an obligation to his children? This man said obligation. I shouldn't have held my breath, but I was curious. I looked over, he's like, the judge had mentioned to him that, you know, it appears that you are still actively catering and doing all these things. Every time you come here, you say you're not working, but you're all over social media. He said, I have an obligation to social media. Now that's the first time I heard that shit ever. He said he had an obligation to social media to keep up his appearance so that he could book more gigs. Wow. Not so that he could book kid gigs to take care of his kids, but just an obligation to keep up his appearance so it appeared and people might hire him. Now, manju, he is an able-body. He could work, he could work anywhere. Like the level of manipulation and complete negligence and just like irresponsibility he has to pay in child support is it's remarkable. It's remarkable, I will say. Wow. He goes out of his way to like avoid any way to pay the full amount. Like it it's just crazy to me. In that moment, like it was just confirmation. Like I knew that the kids weren't a priority to him. So, you know, a lot of times I think people struggle with child support and they're like still worried about it because they want to make this partner realize that they have an obligation. Honey, he You can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

There is nothing that you can do to make another individual do what you want to do. You cannot. That's called making yourself fucking insane. Why would I voluntarily do that when I got everything else on my shoulders? And I have seen that with my own eyes. I have seen women crash out to try to force a man to be a father. You cannot do that. You can't. It's not something you can do. You can't. Why are you wasting your energy, sis? Why are you wasting your time, sis? Why don't you use that to better yourself for you and your babies? You cannot do that. And a lot of men use money to control, like financial abuse is something that we have discussed before. And I would like to go further into that in the future on this podcast. Absolutely on the podcast. Because a lot of men only support children when they have access to the mother. If they no longer have access to the mother, if it means emotional, physical, sexual, then they're not going to support the children.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

And that is absolutely true. I've had uh the kids' dad say to me, if you were nicer to me, I would pay more child support. Guess what I would hurt?

SPEAKER_00 26:39

See, I think they got people. I think they are the same people because I was told, if you would just get your foot off my neck, then I'll be able to help you. What? If you would just get your foot, and he repeated it because I said, what? Outside of the courtroom. If you would just get your foot off of my neck, then I'll be able to help you. My foot is not on your neck because I wanted to be. It's because it needed to be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:05

Like I mean, honestly, I would have never even went to child support to the court system if I had someone who was a willing partner to. We could have discussed this. If you wanted to, you know, carry and share the load with me, cool. Like I would have been okay outside of court. But like court was like a last resort for me. It was like, I can't get you to do anything. I remember I kept hearing, you can't get money out of a rock. You can't get water out of a rock. You can't do this. I mean, if I ain't got it, I ain't got it. Like it started, I started getting that attitude all the time. It's like, oh, but you got new shoes, you got new this. And it wasn't just like, everybody's entitled to get new shoes and new things, but it's like you can't be wearing Gucci and Prada and all this other shit and then turn around and be like, yeah, I can't pay that child support. Like, that's wild. Me and my kids match a lot because I I I refuse to like buy crazy things and not be able to take care of my kids. Like, you know what I mean? If if I can have it, they can have it. So if they can't have it, I ain't buying it. Like, you know what I mean? I can't afford it then. If I can't afford it for all of us, because me and my kids, we're a unit and we all gotta look good together, you know? Got a budget for it. You know, is your uh is a kid's father in arrears when it comes to child support for you? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

He is currently, I believe, 30,000 behind. I know yours is way more than mine. I know it's a little tiny pinna compared to yours.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

No, it's not that's not a little tiny anything, but yeah, I am like nearing $70,000 in arrears. Literally. This is not an exaggeration, none of that. And it's really, I want to say the total unpaid child support arrears in the US is approximately $1 billion, right? Okay. So it doesn't really like make me hopeful, you know. I mean, at this point, I'm just a credit collector, but I ain't making those calls to harass him, you know.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

I I know. Oh, you buddy, I'm gonna reduce it. You don't get no discount on this. Kids don't eat off the discount.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

Yeah, so last time I was in court again because he was trying to reduce uh, because the oldest child is 18 now. And then PA, you gotta cover kids until they graduate from high school. He's trying to get out of it now. She just turned 18 in December. You ain't even been paying, but he wants to get out of it. He was like, I need y'all to recalculate my arrears. Arrears stay with you. A large portion of arrears. It's not, it's not. He was in there telling this judge, yeah, that one year I made like $400,000, but I had to pay out $500,000. Sir, make it make sense. It's like America's dumbest criminal. Like, you know what I mean? Like, and he said, Yes, yes, I see that you made that amount of money, but it looks like you skipped months without paying your child support. He said, I had to pay my staff.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

Girl, this is making me upset.

SPEAKER_02 30:04

I know. So, and it just makes me wonder because you're in Ohio, and I think like other states, like, they don't allow people to get so far behind on child support where they can have the ability to amount these crazy numbers when it comes to arrears. Yes, they do.

SPEAKER_00 30:20

Yes, they do. It's only difference between Ohio and PA is that you have a Commonwealth where we don't with child support, um, child support order, it's automatically an order where it's taking out your pay. There's no he gets to pay on his own when he wants to pay, want to add. No, if you have employment, as soon as that social security number hits the system, Ohio Department of Child Family Services, click on that social security system and send a letter to the employer. The employer has to apply that withholding order within, I think, 30 days or something like that. If they don't, they get penalized by the state. Okay. So then they do it automatically. There is no way where you are able to pay somebody on your own time in the state of Ohio. You it's automatically a order, withholding order.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

Oh, yeah, it's crazy. I guess maybe the loophole here is like parents who work for themselves and they just have to do it.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

Oh, that's the same thing here, too. Yeah, okay. If they do that, then they just pay whenever they want to pay. But they still gonna suspend your license. They're still going to put an order in that maybe you have to have a warrant, a bench warrant for your arrest. So they do that as well. It's just that's been having a hair for years. Still pay on your own. Like that sounds crazy to me. That's why you got an order in the first place because you're not responsible enough to do it on your own. So why you won't.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

That's why we're here in court in the first place.

SPEAKER_00 31:31

Giving you the opportunity to do it on your own, and you have proven time and time again that you are not capable of doing so. So with holding order in place, effective immediately. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

Yeah, and then put me on the bench. I'm like, I can see you. I can see you doing that.

SPEAKER_00 31:44

Oh, no, hold on. Let me let me hear this right. Let me make sure I got this correct. Now you correct me if I'm wrong. Like, I would just be like, Yeah, no. None of that sounds right. The math is not math, including the $70,000 in arrears. Jail time.

SPEAKER_02 32:01

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 32:02

And you're gonna work in jail for 50 cents a day to pay the $70,000 off. Which one you're gonna do. You might need it for love. Which one is it? But it's gonna be a withholding order. You no longer are responsible for being able to send in your payments because you cannot do that. The maturity level that that takes is too high for your capabilities. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

Oh, but I always hear when I'm in court, well, you know, or he's always saying, like, if I go to jail again, how am I gonna pay? But so you're not paying anyway. And I feel like some people definitely need to just be on time out. Because it's like that freedom and that lack of accountability, they just keep cycling over and over again. And chance after chance after chance. And I'm like, the moment I don't take care of my kids, I'll be on the news. They'd be like, let me take her license here, there, and everywhere. Now they have taken his uh passport, you know. And every time we get to court, he's like, I need my passport back because I got some opportunities outside the country. The opportunity to flee? That's the only opportunity I see. Cause how you got opportunities outside the country, but none here.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

Exactly. I'm glad they don't fall for that because that's that's utterly ridiculous. So I'm glad that they don't listen to him and his lies because that's exactly what they are. And like in situations like this, you have to laugh to keep them crying. Because I don't know about you, but I have this black hole in my heart when it comes to this person and when it comes to the expectations that would have never been met, that would probably never be met. So when there are instances of child support that comes into play, either we receive it or we do not receive it, it does not impact me. It does not change my anxiety up, it does not lower it, it doesn't do anything other than it is what it is. Because you can't get too hung up on it, as we said. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

I think that just comes with growth though. Like, you know what I mean? Because initially you'd be like, Yeah, fucking. Yeah, initially, yeah, because they out there running your mouth.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

So it's not worth the stress. No. Like looking for it. Like, you got other shit to do. You can't even be. It's like looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Ain't no fucking pot of gold over there.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Looking for a four-leaf clover.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

No.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

If you find one, just keep it. Like, it probably ain't coming from them.

SPEAKER_00 34:22

No, no. So you can only control what you can control. You know, you can only focus on what you can focus on. And child support is not one of those things to me.

SPEAKER_02 34:31

But one thing you can focus on is your health.

SPEAKER_00 34:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:34

And you can take control by getting on prep.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

True.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

Listen, we gotta prepare for everything. So we gotta prepare for or for the instance where we don't get child support. Why not prepare so that you don't get HIV, right? You know, the numbers are going up. Women are disproportionately affected by HIV, and prep can help give you a little bit more control back when it comes to protecting your life and being ready for whatever comes. Because that's what you gotta be as a single mom. You gotta be ready for whatever comes. Prep is over 99% effective against the sexual transmission of HIV. And just like we don't know when the child support is coming, we don't know when people are infected. It doesn't have a look to it. You know, sometimes people look great in the beginning. They look like they're gonna be supportive parents and co-parents, and it doesn't work out. And unfortunately, that's the same outside. When you go outside, you know, a lot of people don't know their status. So it's important to know your status. If you have any questions about prep, you know, send us an email, send us a comment, we can point you in the right direction. No, no. It'll have the link to in the show notes, we'll have the link to Central Outreach Wellness Center.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

I could not. Okay. And then also when it comes to prep, being a single mom, we have to protect ourselves and our children from the world. And the best way for us to do that is to make sure our health is top tier. Like Miss Clay mentioned before. We don't know what is out there. We don't know what is going to be coming in when it comes to the money and everything else.

SPEAKER_02 36:02

Exactly. You don't want something coming in your body.

SPEAKER_00 36:04

Exactly. That is well. So protect yourself for not only you, but also for your babies. Get on press.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

Exactly, because protection is not only financial.

SPEAKER_00 36:14

This is true. So you are not behind. You know, you are under-supported. And it's an unfortunate situation, but it is the facts. And that's just a different conversation or a different expectation that all of us have. But guess what? We're doing it with grace, we're doing it with beauty, we're doing it with laughter, and our children probably can't tell the difference otherwise.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

Exactly. And the goal is not perfection. Kids don't need a perfect mom, they just need a happy one. You know, so a happy, protected, peaceful mom. You know, we need stability, peace, and we can't control everything. But the things that we can control, like our health or protecting our health and budgeting for our finances, we can do that. This is Single Mom Honey. I'm Quay, I cover the health.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

I'm Aisha, I cover the money. You bring the tea, and we got the honey to next time. Bye.