18: Between Two Homes: Helping Your Children Thrive in the Transition (Guest: Tosh)

Today’s episode is such an important one. We’re talking about the transition period between two homes — that emotional handoff moment that can feel heavy, tense, confusing, and sometimes heartbreaking.

Tosh is a recently divorced from a 7 year marriage and has a 7 year old daughter. She is navigating the world of coparenting and adjusting to having joint custody. She loves traveling for work and play and cherishes family and her health and mental wellness.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome to Single Mom Honey, the podcast dedicated to single moms with a focus on health, money, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Quaylin? Shit. That is my name. God damn it. The mom brain starts early in the morning. Hi, I'm Quaylin. I cover the health.

SPEAKER_04 0:15

And I'm Aisha. I cover the money. So today we have a very special guest here. So, Tosh, thank you so much for joining us here on Single Mom Honey.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

It is my pleasure. I'm so excited to be here. I am a fan, y'all.

SPEAKER_04 0:31

We love that. We love to hear about people who are really grasping onto our podcast and also able to relate to the information and also be able to add to the conversation. So if you too would be interested in being a guest on Single Mom Honey, go ahead and send us an email at singlemomhoney at gmail.com. Or you can follow us on our socials at Single Mom Honey Official on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram and send us a message and let us know. All right. All right. So we'll go into Tasha's bio. So Tosh is recently divorced from a seven-year marriage and has a seven-year-old daughter. She is navigating the world of co-parenting and adjusting to having joint custody. She loves traveling for work and play and cherishes family and her health and mental wellness.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Time out on a play. Timeout on a play. Can we do that intro over? Can we not by saying she's divorced? Can we talk about the other things that she does?

SPEAKER_04 1:27

That was the bio she submitted.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Well, I just feel like, you know, you're a whole woman. That divorce does not define you. When you start out with divorce, it's like, oh.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Well, I did it for this because it's about single moms.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Fine. Fine. I'm a single mom because you're so awesome, besides that.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Like then you can end it with the divorce, then. You can't. You feel fan. I mean a single mom by divorce. Like, I don't know. Okay. Hi, sad, sad. Go ahead. My bad. I just did y'all acknowledge that you're divorced on your podcast?

SPEAKER_04 1:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Yeah. I just felt like, you know, a lot of times when I say, oh, I'm divorced. No, I grant I granted it's for the podcast, you know what I mean? But you are three million other things besides that.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

And I just feel like I never introduce myself that way.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Anywhere else. Okay, fine. Fine. Yeah. Okay. All right. So today we're talking about something that does not get enough attention. And that would be how to support your children during transitions, especially between homes, during and after divorce. I will say it was quite the challenge for me.

SPEAKER_04 2:35

Yeah, it's still the challenge for me.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Now, unfortunately, sometimes both homes are not like home. Remember when Dorothy says there's no place like home? I mean, I feel like kids really feel that. So it's very important to take time and put effort into this transition because it can be detrimental to your children if it's not done right. Yes, whether you're newly divorced or years into co-parenting, transitions can bring up some big feelings for you and your kids. So I guess, Tosh, I want to start by asking what common emotional reactions do your kids have during transitions days? And I know you have one daughter, wonderful. One daughter.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Thank you. She is my heart. Well, first, I'll say that transition days are often longer than one day. It's a series of days. I find that my child um is like hyper-mindful of the days of the week. And she's keeping count of the number of days that she has with me. And on the flip side, the number of days she has until she sees her father.

SPEAKER_04 3:36

That's what Langston does to my oldest. He'd be like, what day of the week is it? Once he learned the days of the weeks and he noticed the pattern. Okay, Tuesdays and Thursdays, my days I go with that. Like they are constantly asking you to reassurance because you know their life does adjust during those time periods. So I I totally agree. Same thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

And how many day and Okay, for me, my kids are a bit older now, and only my oldest will go to meet her father. We did have a custody order where he was supposed to get them like every other weekend. But in all honesty, it's been about maybe like four or five years since he's ever had them overnight. That's great. Um and they don't even go to him regularly during the week. There are no planned visits at this time. He doesn't go by the custody order. So I, you know, I think when there was a time when he was seeing them more regularly, um there was a lot of anxiety before transitioning.

SPEAKER_04 4:30

And that's probably what the questions of uh our kids acting like, what's the day? What's the day? What's the day?

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Yeah, and they uh definitely when they came back home, they had to retransition back home because when they left here, the structure that they had here was not present at the other home.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Yep, yep. Absolutely. Yes, it is it's always mixed emotions too. And sometimes I try to avoid talking about it on that day, but the day leading up to it really sucks. Like I can feel it like a pit in my stomach, and so I can only imagine what she's feeling.

SPEAKER_04 5:05

Um but no, I know it's about I was gonna ask, would you be comfortable sharing your schedule?

SPEAKER_00 5:11

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 5:12

Okay, okay. I was gonna ask, but I don't want to share it.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Because I don't know if I want to talk about that in the last one, the piece of advice, but I would like to say, you know, how I kind of struggle with my identity as a single mom because you know, I am a part-time mom now. Like, what the fuck? You are not a part-time mom.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

You're always a mom.

SPEAKER_04 5:32

Girl. Yeah, but she never had kids before this one. It's only once.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

I know, but even on the weekends that they're gone, that is time for you to regroup, reinvent your schedule, yourself, get back to you so you can be the best mom that she needs. And you gotta reframe it because sometimes it's a blessing in disguise. A lot of times we think we gotta be there 24-7, but we don't, you know, especially if they're safe, fed, clothed, you know, they're not in danger, you know. Now, if by chance it was the alternative to that, then you know, it might be more of a struggle. But no, you're not a part-time mom just because you don't see your kids during the week. I'm sure your daughter still calls you. She still did call herself a part-time mom. Didn't you call yourself a part-time mom?

SPEAKER_04 6:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Part-time. I said first time.

SPEAKER_04 6:20

I thought you said first-time like she didn't care for this.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

That's why you just like still living killings.

SPEAKER_04 6:24

All right, let's get back to the transition part. We'll get into that other stuff later. But leading into the transition.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

And so now that we've been doing this for close to a year, the emotions around the transition, they don't linger as long as they did before. And this is telling me that we're both feeling emotionally secure and understanding of the new life that we have.

SPEAKER_04 6:45

Absolutely. So I get all of those things, and our kids are actually the same age. So it's interesting to see how we both have noticed the same changes around the same times with our kids concerning their awareness of what's going on around them. How can a single mom emotionally prepare her child before transition days? What what's some things that has worked for you in your child?

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Well, for one thing, just kind of observing, right? You're gonna notice some patterns, some trends, and then you'll have ways to be able to better support your child. I'll say for us, there's excitement mixed with guilt. And I have to be okay with that too, right? Knowing that, okay, my child's actually excited to leave me and wants to go see your father. And that is okay. Grateful for that.

SPEAKER_04 7:32

I encourage that, and I do not make her feel bad for that's very healthy that they are okay expressing how they care about the other parent because I want your village to be huge. I want you to get love from everybody. So that's a beautiful fella to have.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

And knowing my child.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Um, I will say that like for me, when I used to have transition days, I have three different kids. So they all had different feelings. And the one who was like, I don't care. Do I gotta go over there? I really just want to go play with my cousins. That's the youngest. Because, in all honesty, he left when he was going on two years old. So, like, he really doesn't have that connection. Yeah. Then I have my middle child, she's like, her anxiety would go through the roof because she was put into situations where when I sent her to him, he would just drop them off with other people. So she's like, you know, hey, mom, I don't want to go. What if I have an asthma attack? Last time he dropped me off, he didn't bring my inhaler.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

And that's crazy. I'm trying to let you finish, but then crazy.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Like, um, and then, you know, the oldest, she went through her teenage stage. So, like, you know, more recently, I say late bloomer on a teenage stage. She got rebellious late in the game. And then she only wanted to see her dad when she was mad at me. And I'm like, girl, go. You can get them to do something before you go for it, you know. But it was like trying to juggle all those feelings. Yes, because there was the indifference. There was the one who had extreme fear, and I will say the oldest had fear too, because she had expressed to me at some points that, like, I don't want to go over there because I gotta be a grown-up when I go over there. I gotta watch, I gotta make sure the kids are safe. She kept referring to her siblings as kids, like other kids. And I'm like, You're a kid too. You know, and that's rough. It's definitely rough on the kids. Um, yes, a lot to juggle to try to get them emotionally ready. But what I really tried to do was say, hey, wherever you go, if you need me, I'm coming. Period. I don't care where you're at. I got your location, you got my location, I will answer at any time of night. If you feel unsafe, you call your mother.

SPEAKER_03 9:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:36

Not trying to tell them that they're going to be unsafe because I'm hoping for the best because you don't want nothing happening to your kids. You know what I mean? But ultimately, sometimes you realize once you separate, the only safety and security is with the primary pyramid. I'm sorry, pyramid. Ha ha ha ha. Parent. You know what I mean? I realize that quickly. Like, you know, sometimes the other parent isn't ready for single parentum.

SPEAKER_04 10:00

They're not getting a finger when they were at the house.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_04 10:05

So now you're in your own spot. Lord, I know that racist lip.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 10:10

I know you still can't live. No, you better build it up. You don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Exactly. It's a lot of emotional insecurity for the kids to have to deal with at such an early age. And then being dropped off, I know my kids will call and be like, hey, we don't have food here. Can you send us food here? Well, dad's not here. There's been times I had to go pick them up. Like, you know, multiple times, you know. It's just it's a whole lot to do.

SPEAKER_04 10:33

So how how else do you prepare your child for uh transition days, Tosh?

SPEAKER_00 10:38

So I certainly don't dwell on it, right? Because like we said, she's already keeping track of the days in the minutes and the hours. She knows exactly when we're leaving. She's leaving on Friday at 6 p.m. Um, but what I do is I try to repeat positive affirmations to her, reassure her that I'll be here waiting for her, and that she's loved and cared for at both homes. I just try to turn it into a positive situation as best as I can. She's blessed to have two homes with everything that she needs at each of them, but I also validate her feelings, and she does have every right to feel sad and anxious.

SPEAKER_04 11:15

That's beautiful. I love the fact that you said you validate her feelings because sometimes I oh well this is the idea. I don't know what to tell you. Deal with it, seven-year-old, get your life together.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

You know what? I think I think we're breaking generational curses because I think back in a day, like kids were to be seen and not heard. But I definitely did a lot of listening to my kids and trying to validate their feelings as well. I think that's a great move because they're whole people. It's amazing to watch them grow from these little babies into like people with like thoughts and they're in like full sentences, they get questions, and you're like, oh my god. Yeah, so I think that's pretty awesome. Now, Tosh wanted to ask you how can moms create a sense of stability even if they can't control what happens in the other home?

SPEAKER_00 12:00

Absolutely. The first step is realizing just that you cannot control what is happening in the other home.

SPEAKER_04 12:07

You can drive yourself crazy trying to chill.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Let it go. But you know, you gotta finish the song.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

You gotta finish your song, you can't just start singing.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

But yeah, once you do come to terms with that, you just focus on the things that you can anchor. Things like predictable routines in your home, a consistent discipline style, guidelines and rules in the home, and being emotionally available for your child, and also not bad mouthing or probing into what's going on in the other household and what the other parent has going on.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

I couldn't agree more. I could not agree more.

SPEAKER_04 12:54

Okay, so I don't know if this is considered bad mouthing, but the one thing that I do correct my children on, even though I know I cannot control what happens over there, we do not keep secrets. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 13:06

But if the other parent encourages secrets to be kept, that's where I push up against it. It's like, yeah, no, we don't keep secrets. But I'm not supposed to tell you because daddy told me what happens at his house, stays his house. Who womb did you come out of? Exactly. Okay. Yeah, no. I don't care who house it is, I don't care if it's on the street, I don't care if it's in the woods, I don't care if it's in the building. You don't keep secrets from mommy. My job is to protect you, and nobody who cares and loves about you will ever teach you how to keep secrets secret. Absolutely. That's dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

It is dangerous. I will say this. Uh, I always told my kids, if you have any questions, and I set rules and guidelines that apply everywhere and anywhere they go. So if they're not with me, they know. When you go to someone else's house, because I had a lot of incidents where he would drop them off at other people's houses that I didn't know. You know? And it's like during his time, the court will say, You can't control if he has a babysitter. I've been told that too. I told my kids, no one else is to touch their private parts. No one else is to be washing them up, no one else is to be doing that. So, you know, I do think it was a hard transition for my oldest when she was still going over to visit him years ago, like when it was court ordered, and because she was me when I wasn't there. Because she had incidents where she was like, Dad left us here, and this lady said she was going to go wash my brother up. And I was like, No, you cannot be in the bathroom by yourself with my brother. I do not know you, and neither does my mom. And quite honestly, neither did their father. So you don't know if people have clearances, things, you know, it's really a lot. I really think that we have to set the groundwork for our kids and for their safety because you can't always count on the other person to follow through. Think about like co-parenting, like co-piloting, right? You know, they're not gonna have a co-pilot in a plane who can't fly the fucking plane. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:00

Like, like you can't If I pass out, you're supposed to be able to pitch it up and go.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

You're just gonna be like, no, I got stuff to do. Like, yeah, there's passengers here, and these are our kids.

SPEAKER_04 15:09

Like, you know about it, they're not like, nah, I got something to do. Get their little jet packed, like, well, I don't know what y'all about to do, but I'm gonna jump themselves out. Leave everybody else there to themselves. You guys are accurate.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

Don't but for real, guys. But like they say, right? It's the devil you know. Like we were married in our case to each of our co-parents. So we know what we need to really write key in on and ask our children and things about, you know, the concerns we may have, or we want to be proactive with it. So I do have a good sense of, you know, the stability at this moment. But please subject to change.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Everyone has different experiences, like you know what I mean? Absolutely. Because it's like, you know, it's like the devil you do know the dev versus the devil you don't know. But I honestly feel like, you know, when you're living with that person, you're taking on most of the burden. Cause I always call myself, like, when I was married, I was still a single parent. Like, you know what I mean? So I still had that safety, safety realm around my children. Like it I was still their protective layer. I'll say, like, there are things that I did not think that their father was capable of, and that I found out once I was divorced. Like, hey, you were really leaving without their medications? That wouldn't have been the case here because the medications would have always been at home or with them, you know? And or you're just gonna drop them off with a stranger. Like, no, because when I'm talking to them, we're not doing that because I'm not doing that. But when you're no longer a factor in the decision making outside the house, it becomes different. So it is a blessing if you have a partner and more power to you when you have a partner that you can actually trust, when you actually have a real co-pilot to, you know, guide you through the the storms of parenting. Like, you know, there's a lot of turbulence that can happen on the fucking plane with parenting. Like, but if you had a good co-pilot, oh my god, that's a blessing. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:04

All right, so let's talk about building confidence in the transition. So here are three things that are recommended for the time where your children are no longer your home and they go to the other house. Because I make another point to say, this is home. That's a house. But that's my situation. You know, Tar maybe it's two homes for her, but mine's one house.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

There is one house here. There's one house over here, one home over here.

SPEAKER_04 17:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

I don't even think, you know, that their father has enough rooms if they were to even come over. Because you know, when you have like those custody orders, you have to have enough space for all the kids.

SPEAKER_04 17:38

Based on gender, based on age. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Like that hasn't been happening for since since we had the custody order.

SPEAKER_04 17:46

So with the guardian item, but we're gonna talk about that another time. So three things that are recommended to Bill Confidence during the transition is first create a consistent ritual. Kids thrive on predictability, as Tosh mentioned before. You know, have a goodbye routine, a special phrase, a hug routine, a little handshake, like, oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_03 18:06

Something like that.

SPEAKER_04 18:08

Um, put a note in their backpack. I know when my oldest start to use a phone, I would make sure that both my numbers and my mother's numbers were written on a piece of paper in his backpack just in case an emergency came up and he needed to contact us. Or a small comfort item. You know, kids love plushies. Like if they feel comfortable allowing them to take that plushie that they sleep with every single night, they cannot sleep without this plushie, then that plushie's gonna be traveling right along with them, okay? That's just an extra dependent in the household.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

Absolutely. Or something like as simple as like a mommy, son, mommy-daughter friendship bracelet. Like, I know they have that with mommy is always with me.

SPEAKER_04 18:47

Even when I can't see her touch her, yeah, she's always mad. I love that. So this definitely creates emotional security, which we all need, but especially little tiny people who are brand new to this earth, they need that emotional security.

SPEAKER_03 19:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 19:00

A neutral energy at drop-off. So even if the co-parent relationship is strained, the child should not feel that tension. Sometimes I know it's easier said than done, especially when you have a high conflict. I don't want to use the word co-parent. Because you gotta do so to get the co-parent. You you need some qualifications for that, baby. Just because yeah, don't mean you a co-parent. You know, your body language says everything, so just try to be calm and patient. I mean, by my situation, we do not do pick-up and drop-off at my home because I did not feel safe and secure with my ex-husband coming to my home to pick up the kids, and I always noticed that the energy would come and seep into my space, and I had to protect that at all times.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

And it's very important to protect your space and the space of your children, especially during those type of transitions.

SPEAKER_04 19:50

So, our pickup and drop off is at my mother's house. It was court-ordered for a year after the divorce, and it was supposed to expire. And he tried, well, now I'm gonna start picking them at your house. You don't get to decide where you're gonna pick the kids up at. They're gonna be available where they've been available at my mother's house. You are not allowed on my property. Do not do it. He tried so. He had that one fucking toe on my goddamn bottom step. He was happy to finally be back at that goddamn door. And I said, I'll give up my two order, please. Both of y'all get it. And I said no. I turned Sophia real quick. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

I think it's so important to have boundaries during like transitions and drop-offs and pickups. Like, you know, initially, like I said, it has been a long time for overnights or pickups because I mean it just doesn't happen anymore. He's not consistent, but actually just not here. But, you know, when he started to initially come to pick them up, every time I noticed that it was like his opportunity to try to talk to me. And I'm like, you're here for the kids, sir. And you gotta make sure that you keep that boundary. Like I didn't let no, there was no crack in the door. There was no, you thought this was something else. And you know, sometimes that would turn into conflict because he couldn't control the situation. But I was controlling my situation because your home is your palace. You are the queen of your palace. And you, you know, this is your your safety zone. You don't let no, no crazy negativity evil into your home. And you know, there came a point where I said, you wait on the sidewalk. They will be out. You know, there was a point where I was like, oh, I need a ring camera on my porch because every time you come here, you are raising your voice, causing conflict. You know, I mean, I just boundary, I I became a boundary queen. Like, I am like a boundary pro now. Like, you know, blown off. I don't even come to the door.

SPEAKER_04 21:44

Yeah, my cousin changed her uh pickup and drop off. They used to do drop off. She would take her son to her um to his father's house, and then the father would bring the kid back to her house. But it got to the point. That when she would take him to her his father's house, he didn't want to go, and then the father would get upset and think that she said something to him on the ride there. And then or he would bring him back, and then he'd be excited to get there. Or you just because you it was always her fault, no matter what the situation was. So I mean that's the court. She switched it up and she was like, We're no longer gonna go to each other's homes. You drop them off at school, I pick them up for school. That's a neutral location with lots of cameras and lots of witnesses around here. Right and then we don't have to be in the same space. Drop off is in the morning, afternoon is in the evening. Yeah, she's like, I didn't want to do that. I didn't want my son to have to lug his backpack from his dad's house and his backpack for school. Then people like, why you got two bags with you and everything, you know, because she didn't want her to be looked at differently for the kids who still were in two parent households. So I girl, I got over that so damn quick. I was like, they probably ain't got their parents with them either. Like, I ain't about to worry about that. So she said that was the best thing that she did was decide to have that neutral pick up. She's like, I gotta see him, he ain't gotta see me.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Yes, I will say I'm in the process right now of a modification of our agreement just to talk about those things, the transitions and certain boundaries that are needed. And while we are able to co-parent, we do not communicate right with each other. We do not talk to one another. Um, and I also I I didn't want my daughter to feel like she was just property, right? Like we're meeting in a shopping plaza and all right, get out of my car and you go over there in that car. But you know what? It's okay. You do quickly learn to be okay with those things, right? It's just a minute for this transition. But if it's needed to protect peace for you in your home, then you know it's just something you have to do.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

All right. So let me ask you this: what do you recommend when the other parent speaks negatively about the mom?

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Just keep all the rhetoric grounded in facts. If you hear something that sounds negative or untrue about you, there's ways you can talk about it with your child and have them draw their own conclusions, right? These children are smart.

SPEAKER_04 24:08

They know way more than we're smart to the point you're like.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Okay. Exactly. So I ain't gonna say that's a bold-faced lie, but I'ma let her, I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk her through the journey. I'm gonna show her. Well, here, baby, here's my phone. Do you see any missed calls from your dad on there? Like, you know, something.

SPEAKER_04 24:28

See, I think I got a little bit of old school parenting in me. I'm not all that what's called gentle parenting. That I think I'm gentle-ish. I ain't gentle. Okay, because I tell you something, now that's a goddamn life. He said, What? And I tell you know, and that could be something I need to work on within myself, but at the same time, I am not sugarcoating anything. Guess what? He doesn't sugarcoat anything with them about me. So I had to get to the point where I was like, all right, I'm gonna have to let you know what it is. And as you get older and that bill gets lifted more and more, I don't want you to think, like, dang, all these years I built up this uh animosity towards my mother because she wasn't the ones telling me this and telling me that. And I'm gonna say it's an age-appropriate conversation. I'm not gonna give you the same stuff I'm gonna tell my mom, but let me tell you what this motherfucker told them. And I said, I'm not gonna look at a goddamn motherfucker lie because I told that motherfucker, like, I would talk to my mom like that or my friends about that and tell them that not my kids.

SPEAKER_01 25:22

You know, I think it's very important just to be honest. Like, I think it's okay for your kids to see you as human and understand that, like, you know, if if there is a lag told. Now, granted, I'm always with the philosophy that like other people's opinions of you are not your business. So fuck them. Like, you know what I mean? You know, but it's kind of hard when, you know, you're hearing these opinions as a kid from the other parent over and over again. So, you know, that's part of when your kids come home acting a little different, acting weird because they didn't hurt things. But if they honestly ask me something, I just tell them the truth. Like facts only. Like you say, stick to the facts. Like, no, this is not what happened. This is what happened, and this is why. You know, or if, you know, you know, there were times where, you know, he didn't show up for for those transitions and they'd be waiting at the door. Well, why didn't he show up? He made that decision not to show up. He said he was coming and he did not. Sometimes people don't show up when they say they're going to. But that doesn't mean the show stops right here. We can find something else fun to do. Like, you know, I try to make sure that I wasn't speaking negatively of the man, but always speaking honestly, because I don't want them thinking that that shit's okay.

SPEAKER_03 26:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

It's not okay. You know, people are supposed to be consistent for their kids. They're supposed to show up, they're supposed to keep their word. I live by example. And when someone doesn't follow that example and they ask me a question, I speak on it, but honestly. Try to be unbiased. I mean, it's hard to be unbiased sometimes, but you know, you just gotta Yeah, say sometimes you I be twitching, but you know.

SPEAKER_04 26:57

I don't hold my tongue anymore. I did, and it was doing, I feel like, more harm to my children than anything because probably to your nervous children. Versus this other person who had an agenda to campaign against me as the year as the sole provider and everything else. That's where I got to the point I was like, yeah.

unknown 27:18

Right.

SPEAKER_04 27:19

And I'm gonna tell you, you know, I ain't doing too much, but at the same time, I was like, well, you know what? That's something you need to talk to you about, your father. Yo, yo, damn daddy. He went from father to daddy real quick. Hold on now.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

You know, I often like think about how we're gonna be when we are like 70. And I just imagine y'all making the same faces and like me just cracking up. Like, Isha's gonna be a crazy old woman. I am too, but like when we get old, older, what? Oh my gosh. I said, you know, the faces that you make a lot, I I imagine them on you as like 70. Oh. Unfiltered pure gold. Like it's going to be amazing.

SPEAKER_04 28:00

Say what I want to say, and I might have real cigarette. It might be a real one. It might be a sandy one.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

You know what I'll be smoking. Dick.

SPEAKER_04 28:08

Dick and balls.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

So let's talk about when it comes to communication between co-parents or parallel parents. I think it may be actually effective if you have a co-parent. But sometimes when you have an angry parent or a bitter parent, they exist. Communication sometimes has ulterior motives and bad intentions, or they just think it's that moment. It's important to keep it brief, informational. This is an educational conversation, and that is it. And focused on a child. I got to a point where I was like, Yeah, you cannot reach out to me. You have to email me because I needed everything in writing. Because it was like, hey, I can't even do a phone call with you. You tell me one thing, and then you don't show up.

SPEAKER_04 28:48

Like talking in circles.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Yeah. And I mean where you're down. Exactly. We already have enough to do as single parents. Keep it straight to the point. That way you leave emotions out of it. It doesn't get long. You got shit to do. You know? It's very important to use written platforms. Um, I know that for me when I went through custody, they gave us this court-appointed app that we had to use. And on there, like, I could plug in the days that he was supposed to pick them up. Actually say, hey, when he didn't show up, I would plug it in there. So there was no discrepancy when we went to court to be like, oh, you came to pick up the kids. And then I also had to get that camera on my porch. That's also a good thing, too. Like, you know, because don't put it past people to make up stories. And the video evidence.

SPEAKER_04 29:28

And you can't be to court with it.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Exactly. Is awesome. And never use your child as a messenger because it's detrimental to their mental health. And I feel like, you know, there are questionable circumstances. Like there have been times where I couldn't reach the father of the children when he had the kids. So then I would have to talk to my oldest. Like, hey, are you safe? When she called with her concern, I'm like, let me call your dad. That's my first thing. I'm going to communicate with the adult. But then if you can't, you know, you got to do what you got to do. And don't feel bad about it. Like, you know, still keep those guidelines of like trying not to involve your kid in adult situations. But if they are already in an adult situation, like in my in my case, you know, my child, when she was younger, was left at her father's house with her other siblings, you know, for hours on end. Wow. And she was having to take care of them. And sometimes I could have been on a business trip or not right there close. So, you know, I would have to get family members to go pick them up or whatever they needed. You know, sometimes I think communication is great when it's directed to the child, but not to send a message, especially not a negative message to the father. You know, if you can't reach them and they're like, hey, you know, I need to know what medication needs to be taken. Dad's not here. You know, that's all or how to use this inhaler. Sometimes these things actually happen. It can be like a very difficult circumstance. So, you know, use judgment, use discretion if you have to communicate something through a child, but never any negativity. Again, educational medical necessities, it has to be a true need for the kid. Shouldn't be anything else.

SPEAKER_04 31:04

And the way that I can communicate with my co-parent is through a court-appointed app. We cannot talk on the phone. Don't even send me an e-mail. Don't send me a letter in the mail. Don't even send me a carrier pigeon. Don't talk to me other than through that app. Because I want to know, want you to be very aware that someone else has access to this and they can see how you speak to me. He's the model parent on that app. It's some sarcasm that other people can read it, like, oh wow, that was a nice message. I'm like, so you ain't read between the the full lines. This fool won't say this, this, that to you. Really? And I know what it means. Because it's he can't help himself. Any time you communicate, he gotta somehow put a little dig in there. Put something that he knows I will understand what he means by that because of the years of abuse during a marriage and a relationship. Exactly. So yeah, he can only talk to me through that app. And the app actually has a meter on it where if you're talking reckless, because it does it to me when I'm like, see, you think I'm gonna start getting on Twitter thing and I started going, it'd be like, uh uh, green, green, yellow, yellow, rat, rat. Please readjust this conversation, and it'll underline where you need to readjust. That sounds like a command to me. I know, send. I said what I said. I said what I said any other time, like, okay, no, I don't want no problems. Let me get back down to green. Every once in a while, I'll try to do some yellow. But if he pissed me off to the highest level of passitivity, I went straight red on that thing, bold, underline, italicized, and I ain't care. It's like, according to your last message, there seemed to be some conflict. Okay, he started it. Sin. It is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 32:43

So listen, remember that you're human, you know, and it's hard to collect.

SPEAKER_04 32:47

Take it in the board, email it, take a picture. What's um, so Tosh, can you share what's one thing you wish every divorced parent understood about kids and transitions?

SPEAKER_00 32:57

That your kids are their own people, right? They have their own feelings and perceptions, how they are taking in all of this newness. And your child doesn't need you to win against the other parent. They need you to be their emotional anchor. Kids are little people with big, complex feelings. Yeah, they they aren't bargaining chips, they're not assets, they're not puppets. The transition They're not photo ops.

SPEAKER_03 33:29

Have mercy.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Yes. And also, just to know, right, the transition won't be linear and have compassion and empathy for your children. This is a lot for them to take in. Their whole lives have been turned inside out, and they are inherently unstable since they're forced to reside in two homes, which isn't even something that we have to do, right? Like we still have our home. Yeah, seriously. So put yourself in their shoes.

SPEAKER_04 34:01

Girl, I didn't even look at it that way, Tosh. Like, if I had to go stay with somebody for certain days out of the week or every other week or whatever, how I would feel as well. And your kid is going to a place where fortunately your co-parent provides a room, your co-parent provides clothing, coats, shoes, all that. So your child is going to a stable place. But now looking at my situation, my children are going back and forth with a book bag because I had to provide all their clothes and everything, coats and everything while they're over there with their other co-parent. I couldn't imagine having to go in between with a bag. You know, like I didn't even think about it that way.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Literally carrying more baggage for them. Yeah, that you didn't create.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

You did not create this. Exactly. What about carrying fear? Like my kids started to pack snacks when they left because they weren't to be there. Yeah. So I'm like, well, take all this with you, whatever we can take, put it all in this bag. When you think about having to send food to the co-parent, is that a co-parent? Is that really a co-parent? Like, you know, or you know, hey, I sent meds, you didn't even send them back. Like, what is happening here? Like, you know?

SPEAKER_02 35:07

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

It's crazy. Crazy to think about. That's a lot for a kid. I can't imagine. Like, I can't imagine like having to stay somewhere else and like not packing enough panties. But luckily, I'll be wearing them things. I'd be free balling. So what if you didn't have enough jaws? Like, you know, for a kid.

SPEAKER_03 35:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

A personal choice when you get older, but like, I left these at mom's, or I left my toothbrush, or I left, you know?

SPEAKER_03 35:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

I can only imagine. If you could leave single moms with one mindset shift, what would it be, Tosh?

SPEAKER_00 35:36

I got something for y'all. I'm gonna pull that reverse Uno and ask y'all for some advice because I am having some identity issues, right? Like, I am not a single mom. I have a co-parent. We have joint custody of our child. And our schedule is one week on, one week off. Um, while yes, that one week I am on 24-7, but then I am off, and you know, I could feel like a part-time mom or feel that I don't fit into the single mom conversation because I know when I do talk with some, you know, friends or associates who are single moms, they're like, What? You had a whole week without your child? Oh my god, then, you know, I just feel like, okay, maybe I don't fit in this conversation. But then with mothers who do have their children all the time, like I don't quite fit in there either. So what advice would you give for folks that aren't in my situation?

SPEAKER_01 36:38

Like when you have your child by yourself during the weeks you have your child by yourself, you are a single mom then. She is depending solely on you then. And even when she is with her father, you happen to be blessed to have a good father, a good co-parent. You know, he's also a single father. You guys aren't together. Like you have to make decisions solo. You have to when she's sick at your house, no one is coming to like uh switch turns with you to sleep.

SPEAKER_04 37:05

The attention shifts and stuff. You gotta be up that whole entire time.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

Yeah, you have to utilize your resources. You've just been blessed with resources. It doesn't make you less, less than, doesn't make you a part-time parent. You are always accessible to your daughter. I think that you were able to utilize your resources and you have those resources there. You have the resources of that partner. So I think it's all about the way that you frame it. You do fit into the conversation because you are able to encourage, like there are people who take it for granted when they have a good partner, when they have a good co-parent or someone that can split the load with them. Because parenting is hard, especially by yourself. And there are weeks, I'm sure, when you have her, that's not your week off, but you may still feel off. Your mental health might not be together. You may feel stressed. You may have to be a big thing.

SPEAKER_04 37:52

You have a big project at work that still needs to be done because you got a parent. I mean, I gotta uh show up. Drop like pickups. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:59

Exactly. It's not like when she's gone, you ain't a mom no more.

SPEAKER_04 38:02

You still have to be like, you can bust up the secret and just say, This is my week to do what I want to do, that's what I want to do. So gonna say so. Who's gonna check, my boo? Oh, and also I'm glad you hit on a lot of points, about you are a single mom. There is no other co-parent readily available in your domain, in your home, in your schedule. When you have your child for those two out of four weeks, you're a single mom. When you don't have your child for those two out of four weeks, you're still a single mom. But guess what? Who's financially funding that household for that child? You. You don't have a co-parent, they're uh splits and bills sharing their uh check or whatever it could be. You are a single mom. And also, let me just point it that part. Who gives a fuck about what the other moms and their situations is? Because it sounds like you were judged by the other women who may have their children more time or don't, as Quay said, have a co-parent. I don't want to use the word partner, I mean co-parent. You don't have they don't have the co-parent that you have or the situation or the schedule that you have. So, and like I don't give a that'll make you less of a single mom, and that don't make you more of a single mom. Ain't no hierarchies of single moms. Like, that sounds crazy to me. My schedule is different than Quay's Quay's schedule was different than yours. We're all still in the same boat, single moms. We do not have a co-parent in the household with us helping us out with those children.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

And in all honesty, divided, we fall. Like if we all work together, everybody works together as a single mom. We give tips and tricks and trying to get through this together because we don't have that other counterpart.

SPEAKER_04 39:34

I would never fix my mouth to say, You got your kid only two weeks out of the month. Comparing it to my situation. No, that's hers. She has a co-parent that she can trust with her child and don't have to fight at the court and get a guardian lighter and say, proof, this motherfucker ain't fit. You know, like you know what I'm saying? Like, that is a blessing. I'm thankful that my friend has something like that. You know, I'm thankful for all the women who are single moms who have something like that. That is huge to have in your life. Absolutely. But we're all in the same boat.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

Exactly. It's like, you know, you hear the word single mom, and whether you want to believe it or not, I don't know, you get this picture of that mom that's holding it down by herself solely. And I was brought up by a single mom. There was no father in the picture. So, you know, I think maybe that's me. That's my perception of a single mom because that is what I saw growing up. But now that is not my case, yeah. But I really appreciate how you guys broke this down and you write, like, we're in this together.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 40:37

Could we all look for the same emotional roller coasters? Yes. Whether you got your kids all the time or you got them sometime, it does not matter. We are still trying to do the best we can with what we got.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

Absolutely. All right. So, single mom, honey, if transitions feel hard, it doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong. You know, you gotta do what works for you. Like we said, single momdom looks different on everybody, right? But just give it your best. You know, it means that you care. However you do it, you get it done. You care as a single mom.

SPEAKER_04 41:06

Yeah, and confidence comes with clarity. You know, clarity comes from boundaries, and compassion builds resilience. So for you and your babies, remember you're not raising a child between two homes, but you're raising a child who belongs in two homes or one home, one house. I said what I said. If this episode helped you, share it with another single mom and encourage them to become a part of the honey high.

SPEAKER_01 41:32

And don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and follow us for more conversations about health, wealth, healing, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_04 41:41

Whole motherhood. So thank you so much, Todd, for joining us. This was an excellent topic. And if you too, once I said before, are we interested in being a guest or providing just a topic recommendation, go ahead and send us an email at singlemomhoney at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 41:55

So, Tasha, thank you. Love y'all, mother honeys.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

Yeah, we gotta snatch that. We're gonna snatch dad. So we appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

And that's gonna wrap it up for us today.

SPEAKER_04 42:11

You bring the tea. And we got the honey.

SPEAKER_01 42:13

See you next time. Thank you.