19: Court-Ready & Confident: How to Prepare for a Custody Case Pt. 1

Today’s episode is serious, but it’s important. We’re talking about how to prepare for a custody court case as a single mom.

And let’s just say this upfront — we are not attorneys. This episode is for educational and empowerment purposes only. Always consult a licensed family law attorney in your state for legal advice.

But what we can do is help you prepare emotionally, financially, mentally, and practically. Because walking into court stressed and unprepared?

Financial Prep Checklist:

• Review your monthly budget.
• Cut unnecessary spending temporarily.
• Avoid large impulse purchases.
• Pull your credit report.
• Gather proof of your income.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Single Mom Honey, the podcast dedicated single moms with a focus on health, money, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Hi, I'm Quay, I cover the health.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

And I'm Aisha, I cover the money. So, Quay, we're going to And together, we cover everything. Okay, you wanna add that in there? Episode 19, episode 20. You wanna add something different in there? It's like we're always evolving. I'm open to it. I'm open to it. Alright, so Quay, we're talking about something that you and I fortunately, unfortunately, know extremely well. Court, court, custody, cases, all that good stuff.

SPEAKER_03 0:41

Yeah. Crazy. We know crazy all too well.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

All too well.

SPEAKER_03 0:45

Now, I mean, it is crazy is synonymous.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Yes. For the single mom. And not on our end, on the opposite end.

SPEAKER_02 0:53

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

That usually goes together. So today we're going to talk about how to get court ready and to be confident while preparing for a custody case as a single mom.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

Today's episode is serious, but it's very important. We're talking about how to prepare yourself for custody court. Custody court as a single mom can drive you crazy. Yeah. Absolutely crazy. You go in and out, in and out all the time. And it's not always you who is going in and out. You gotta secure a lawyer. You gotta I mean there's just so much you have to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Yeah, it's not a black and white situation. It's very much gray when you're dealing with uh custody court.

SPEAKER_03 1:30

And first of all, you said it's gray. It's green. Green. I'm talking about green because I'm talking about the money. You got me with that. I was like, green. Why? Green, green. You are not lying. It ain't green for you. It's green for them lawyers.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Exactly. Well, let's put this up front. We are not attorneys. We are not lawyers. This episode is for educational and empowerment purposes only. Only. Okay, we always want you to consult a licensed family law attorney in your state. We always want you to consult a licensed family law attorney in your state for legal advice. Don't try to say Aisha and Quay on single mom honey said, no the hell we didn't. We will deny. Deny.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

First of all, I said what I said, and you do what you do, but that ain't got nothing to do with me. All right, so we just want to help you prepare emotionally, financially, mentally, and practically. Because walking into court stressed and unprepared, listen, if you don't plan ahead, you are planning to fail.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:34

And that's not the single mom honeyway. Like, you really have to be mentally, spiritually, and emotionally grounded.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

But that's spiritually here, girl, yes.

SPEAKER_03 2:44

It is not just like custodial warfare. It's like spiritual warfare when it comes to court. Mental health warfare, emotional warfare. Whatever that other party knows about you, they are going to try to use it to their advantage. Whatever they have researched on you during the course of the relationship, best belief is going to come up.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Yeah. They will absolutely try to use that. And I think the reason why is so impactful because they're literally coming for your hearts that live outside of your chest.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

That's a different type of conflict. That's a different type of fight because you're dealing with innocent lives who you two created together and should be able to work together to bring them up. But when you're dealing with a high conflict parent or co-parent or other biological parent, that's what I'm saying. Is it a parallel parent or is it a donor? No, it's it. It's parallel parenting. Okay. It impacts you in a way. And I don't know about you, Klay, but when I know prior to going to court or having court, my mood changes. And I don't even know why until I look at my counter and like, damn, court is in the That's why I feel that way.

SPEAKER_03 3:59

Your body knows. Your body knows. Like every time like I can feel like I'm okay mentally, but my body goes into fight mode because every time I've gone to court, and literally I've been going to court for almost a decade now.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Look at Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

No, I'm I'm dead serious. I got court coming up this month, and I can't even tell you the date. And it's actually a good thing because when I know the date, my body starts preparing for it prior to, meaning that internally, even though I'm calm on the outside, I'm in a state of anxiety and panic on the inside. Because every time I go to court, I'm literally defending reality. Yeah. I'm like, am I in the matrix? Yeah. Did I skip timelines? Like, I I don't know what's happening. Like, I never know what's gonna come out of their their father's mouth. I never know. Because typically I'm going right now, I'm not going back for custody. I have primary custody over the kids and we share legal custody.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

I have primary custody as well, and that was established immediately.

SPEAKER_03 5:01

Yeah, immediately. But there's still legal custody. But typically it's me going back because I mean, if he put the amount of effort into anything that he put the effort into getting out of child support, I think he would be successful.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

I think he would be the next Jeff Bezos. If he did, I think that on both of their ends. So let's go ahead and start with the first segment of RSPO, which is shift your mindset. You are building a case, not a war. Light on the war. Light on the war.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

Light on the war.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

So, first things first, court is not about who is the better parent, you know, it is about what's in the best interest of the child, which is usually with the better parent, you know?

SPEAKER_03 5:45

Yes, absolutely. I mean, judges look at stability, consistency, safety, and cooperation. Not who's the most hurt, not who has the best clapback, but best believe there's a whole lot of clapback when it comes to the court.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:01

I mean, I've been triggered in court, but I know better now. Like sometimes people want to trigger you to the point of physical violence, but I do not condone physical violence. But it has been in the back of my mind. Like a quick throat punch might absolutely set things straight.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

I don't let anyone get me there. Let anyone get me there. When I tell you, even though he is acted ignorant and nine to nine out of ten times, he is on an ignorant scale off the roof. Okay. And I still don't react. I still give him nothing. I'll every once in a while.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Take a deep breath. Listen, after I will say this, give yourself some grace, right? Because when you first go to court, it is rough.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

It's scary because you never had to deal with this. We're dealing with criminals, okay? That's another thing. When you know somebody who's used to the court system and used to the system, period, probably grew up with the system or something like that, or you don't have had issues with the system, they are very comfortable. That is their putting it. You know, I felt so off balance.

SPEAKER_03 7:05

Yes, and also when they make you swear under oath, that means nothing. Anyone but you big dummy. I mean, there like it's absolutely crazy.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:27

Sometimes I'm like, sir, you're not gonna hold him in contempt. Like, this is a bold face lie. I'll just say this the last child support hearing, I found out that I was a hairstylist. Really? I did. I'm a nurse practitioner. I did not even know I had time to do hair on his head.

SPEAKER_02 7:43

But I found this. You're trying to take my client.

SPEAKER_03 7:47

But according to according to that guy.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Oh my gosh. Like I work millions of jobs. That means nothing. Swearing means nothing at all.

SPEAKER_03 7:57

Be mentally prepared that some false statements are going to be made. But don't let them shake you.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Exactly. That's why your mindset needs to shift shift from an emotional reaction to a strategic preparation. Like you have to be at the top of it when you're dealing with these people.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

So one of the most important things is to keep a journal and you write down everything. And that can be tedious at times, but like even if you, if you got an iPhone, go into your notes app and just mark down the time that they pick up the kids or mark down the actual payments. It'll be in the system. Numbers don't lie. I don't know how many times I've come into court and that man has said, hey, I paid her child support. I paid it outside of court and they asked for the receipts.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

And has been show. Nothing to prove, but had no problem saying those particular words while exactly.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

I mean, bold face lies. Like, I gave her this. Sir, was I there? You know? And I'm sure that maybe has worked for other people, but you know, I got proof.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

And one thing I will say I have learned from court, because believe me, I've been in a lot of court over the last three years, is when you you could take notes on your devices, but when you come to court, print it out. Exactly. Because anytime you're in court and you have something on your phone and you bring your phone as evidence, the other party, the opposing party, ask for your phone. So never come to court and read things off of your phone. Email it to yourself and print it out so you can have hard copies of paper and print out two copies so they can have a copy and you and your attorney can have a copy. But never bring anything evidently. Really? I learned that. I'm like, wait, what?

SPEAKER_03 9:42

Three copies. One for your attorney, one for their them, and then one for the court, unless your attorney is in.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

So yeah, because documentation beats drama. And they love some drama.

SPEAKER_03 9:53

And listen, if you've never seen these people act before, wait till you see them act a full in court.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

Oscar worthy.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

Oscar worthy! I was like, oh my god. Is someone buying this? Like I'm looking around.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

Like, anybody else see this? It's really happening. Do you see the crazy too? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

Yeah, they do. But they see it all day long. Unfortunately, these people aren't unique in their line of work. So the next part, as we said, get your documentation together. You know, let's talk about paperwork because the courtroom runs on receipts, as Quay mentioned. You know, you should be gathering these particular documents before going to custody court. First of all, a parenting time log, as Quay said. Dates, overnights, and miss visits.

SPEAKER_03 10:44

So another good thing to have is a ring camera on your porch.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Yeah, that's a good one too.

SPEAKER_03 10:49

I have found that to be a great deterrent for weird and crazy behavior on my front porch.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

Had you had to download videos and bring them to court?

SPEAKER_03 10:58

I haven't recently, but in the past, yes. It stopped a lot of like um for a while I was dealing with him popping up at my house or coming and trying to start fights or just being dramatic, yelling in my front lawn. Soon as I put that camera up there, boom. I don't even go to the door without a camera. You on record, sir. But he ain't picked him up in it's been years now, so.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

You have one on your back too?

SPEAKER_03 11:23

I got in the back porch, side yard, on the back tree by the tree house, all of that.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

My house is covered with cameras as well. Yep. Um, and which I had to hijack my own cameras to get control of them, but that'll be a story for another day. You ain't living in this house, but you control of my cameras, turn them on and off.

SPEAKER_03 11:42

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

So I have to call you to get a password. Anyways, communication records is important as well. I know for my particular situation, we have to communicate through a court-appointed app. It's called Our Family Wizard.

SPEAKER_03 11:54

We were using um this app called App Close. It's like A-P-P-C-L-O-S-E.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 12:02

It was there was like two options. You get a free one or you could get the one that you had to pay for. And I wasn't paying for anything else because I paid for everything else.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

So Well, I have to pay $120 something dollars a year for an annual subscription for our family wizard because it's court appointed, and the reason for it was because of the high conflict between both myself and my children's father. Um there is no way, there hasn't been any way possible over the last three years where we could have texts to one another's phones or emails because with the our family wizard, for those who may not have gone through custody court or maybe petitioning to have it, the court has access to all of those emails. I mean, all of those messages between the two of you. So if there are situations concerning abusive language or threatening behavior, absolutely that can be picked up directly from the court. You don't have to print out emails, you don't have to get, you know, downloads from your carrier to be able to send it over to the court. They can themselves go into it. And then also there's a meter that is listed on the messaging app where if the other person sends you a message and it has derogatory, uh, a derogatory tone, it will be alerted in the app and suggest maybe say this instead. This seems very controversial or this is very aggressive. It seems a bit passive aggressive. How could we phrase this to a question versus a statement and this, that, and other? So that's helpful too when you're dealing with a crazy. Lastly, well, not lastly, next, after communication records, school records. Absolutely. School records, the school be on your side when you're an active parent, okay? They will show the attendance, report cards, the teacher communication. Who is showing up the parent teach conference? I know I've been the only person coming for the last three years. Yeah, we're on year three, the last three years of parentage conference on my own with no one else there. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't have access to these things. He just chooses not to participate in them.

SPEAKER_03 14:07

So I will say in my case, I have had times where he has hijacked parent teacher conference.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Oh my god, he came.

SPEAKER_03 14:18

He did it like online or showed up. Um, and I'm like, hey, where's my link for a parent teacher conference? Oh, it was already had with his father. Or I said, What? No, he has every legal right to do it, but don't take my conference time. You have to get a separate separate conference, you know, because you don't even help them with their homework. You don't even I mean, I'd be surprised if you knew what grade everybody was in for real, for real.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Or age.

SPEAKER_03 14:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, you know, I even recently, you know, went to the school for bullying, and it's like they emailed me and the father, which is fine. He has every legal right to know, but it's like when we get there, he's asking questions like, what happened? Sir, if you were involved, you would know. I don't know. The school will keep records, but you have to really be in contact with the school because I also feel like, you know, when I'm included on emails with their dad, it uh it's kind of triggering for me in the sense that like I have to be on an email with someone who was abusive towards me.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Yeah. I will be triggered because I have to be on an email with somebody who's not active in these children's lives. So that's you're basically giving us equal information and power, and it is not. That's not what it is.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

I mean, but I guess legally, technically, you do have equality.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

I love that word.

SPEAKER_03 15:37

Yeah. You know, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it's just like I gotta go there to defend my child, and then I got to also break through these other layers of the onion that I was trying to avoid. You know, I don't want to have to then explain to him or you know, it's little to be Yeah, it's just the little things that, hey, you know, we're here to talk about the kid. And it's like, well, I work with kids all the time, but sir, you don't work with your own. You don't even feed your own kids.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

The nerve.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

Yeah. I was like, Lord have mercy. But anyway, we'll talk about that later.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Yeah. So also documentation, medical records, you know, your pediatrician will be a great resource when it comes to custody court because they will speak about who sets the appointments, who brings the kids to the appointments. Are they currently up on their vaccinations? Follow-ups, who covers the insurance, you know, like best.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Me, I do.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Same here.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

They're doing it.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

Ever since they were in utero, I was covering them in my insurance, okay? Exactly. They have never not gone without insurance because of proof of your involvement in activities, therapy, as well as extracurriculars, and who financially funds those things is another portion of And they will ask for all of those things.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

So make sure you have those.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

Because prepared.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Yes, it's gonna come in handy not only for custody court, but for child support as well.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

I mean, child support court is a whole nother ball game, but uh, we're gonna talk about all of that. So go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Yeah, but the financial records, you brought up, you know, expenses and stuff, that's also another thing that you should have prepared and ready to have for court because that is very, very important when it comes to not just with child support, but also when it comes to divvying up what is handled outside of child support. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

Custody, where they gotta go, how they're gonna get there. Yep. If you're if the other party doesn't even have a vehicle or a place to stay, or they live in God knows where, in a barn or in the basement at a friend's house. I don't know. You know, whatever then say, you know, does that place even have enough you need documentation of your home, that you have bedrooms and all of these things that are fit for the children to live in. And even if they're different sexes, like, oh my God, there's just so much you need. Like, all of that stuff really matters because you can't have the kids all over the place, and then you have to assume the responsibility of picking them up from the other person's house to get them to their extracurriculars karate, soccer, swimming, basketball, track, tutoring, yeah, yes, musicals. I mean, you name it, therapy.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:19

Appointments, I mean, the list goes on and on and on. And it multiplies with multiple children. So and more importantly, if there have been safety concerns, document those carefully and factually. Dates, times, what happened, no exaggeration. Listen, when it comes to court, be straight to the point. Don't let your feelings get involved. Yes, you're gonna be upset if someone put your child to safety, but have those dates and times written down so that you can bring them back up to be properly reflected in the court documents so that the judge or hearing officer has a clear view of what is going on.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

You just can't come in here, like you said, with emotions. I feel it doesn't matter what you feel. This date, he was supposed to come pick them up at this time, he did not show up. This date, he was supposed to come get the first school, but I was called and had to leave work early to go get him because he decided he was going to test the last minute.

SPEAKER_03 19:14

This date, you have to just This date he left them with a stranger. This date he left them and did not provide their asthma medication. This date, he left them in a home and did not provide food. The children called me at this time. I reported.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

The medicine that was never returned, it was never refrigerated, it would have to be all of those things matter. And if you don't have a parenting log yet, start today. Like start today. Like what I did when I was going through court for custody throughout the divorce is I actually got a free template off of Canva and it was a monthly calendar. And I put each day when he canceled, didn't show up, came back late, showed up late, and I logged it that way so they could just flip and see. Flip and see. And I outlined the one, the missed visitations in red. So they could see, damn, there's a lot of red this day, this month, every month. So they could see visual people need visuals in order to be able to make a determination, not just we should have our own log, a honey and tea log. Girl, sounds good to me. It sounds good to me. So you can use a notebook, a spreadsheet, or the co-parity app if you're on one, such as the one that I'm on as well.

SPEAKER_03 20:30

Absolutely. And listen, as much as you want to let every new everyone know in the world that they are an asshole, and only shit comes out of them. Bullshit, shit, shit, all the shit, right? Do not post it on social media.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Yeah, it's tempting though, but don't give them anything when it comes to court, you know?

SPEAKER_03 20:52

Yeah, and also listen, social media could get you in trouble when it comes to court. It always gets their dad in trouble because he can't help himself but to post every thing that he does on social media because he likes to brag. You know, so if you got a braggy one, ego, the ego is like his his brain is swelling, so he's not thinking straight.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:15

No, posting whatever he buys, whatever he does, and how often he does not have the kids. You can't have the kids if you're already always outside. You know, it comes into handy. It comes into handy with child support court as well. When you're making large purchases or fancy purchases, and your child support records um reflect that you don't make the payments. So listen, screenshots live forever.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

Yes, they do.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

So bring them to court.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

If you see something print it, still to this day.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

The judge asks, Hey, remember you said you weren't working? But we have screenshots of you working with your boot on your phone. We got screenshots during this whole time of this. And it's undeniable.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

And watch the mental gymnastics commence.

SPEAKER_03 22:07

Oh my God. Yeah. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

So now we're going to go into the financial preparation. All right. This is where we get serious because court costs what me? Yeah. Me. You think them attorneys like, you know what? I got time to volunteer. I'll come in and help you out for free.

SPEAKER_03 22:27

No, that's not happening. They'd be like, you're not getting child support? I don't care.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

I don't know, baby girl. Like.

SPEAKER_03 22:36

I mean, you will run into some nice ones who may try to help you out a bit.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

Maybe give you a discount, but that don't mean free 99. It does take a lot of time to deal with these matters, especially because there was so much emotion attached to it.

SPEAKER_03 22:54

You were so right. So I couldn't pay nobody enough. I couldn't pay nobody enough to deal with this fool. I cannot. I used to feel bad. And I was like, the reason I was paying for the lawyer was for peace of mind, just to take off the edge for me. Because every time I was going in there and he was like just lying and getting away, and I still had to pay, like, that's enough to have you all snapped. You ever seen that show? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:22

No, I totally get it.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

So and then he started doing it to her.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

And she probably like, look, I can't take that no more. You can't pay me enough to deal with. So some of the things you should financially prepare for are first attorney retainers. So attorney retainer is the amount, basically a deposit you have to put down in order for the attorney to even take your case to even go further than a consultation. Okay. They need a lump sum of money before they put the time and effort into your case. Now that usually covers filing fees that you have to file with the court because the court's not free. Why would the attorney be? Um, and then as if you're going through mediation, you have to pay for a mediator. That's additional cost as well. I know for me, thankfully, I had a very understanding uh job at the time. So they were working with me, but I was salary versus some people who get paid per hour or per project. You will have to miss work. Court does not commence in evening or weekend hours when you are off of work. It's during the day that's their job. So you have to miss yours in order to be there. Um and then childcare costs during court dates, you know. Like I've gotten more comfortable with speaking up now as year three and being in court with my ex-husband. That I need time that is going to be after my children are in school or in daycare versus trying to figure out what I'm gonna do if court is before school begins. Child care during court dates matters as well for people. And then another thing when it comes to court, you don't even know how long you're gonna be there. Your court, um, your paperwork may say court is supposed to start at 9 a.m., 8 a.m. You may not go get in there until 12 p.m. or 1 p.m., depending on for the day.

SPEAKER_03 25:14

Exactly. Exactly. So you're missing a whole day's work worth of work, whole days worth of pay, and then you got the frustration and the stress of can I get to pick my kids up on time?

SPEAKER_02 25:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:26

Yeah. Will I be there in time if I drop them off? Is there gonna be traffic? What am I gonna have to deal with when I get there? I mean, it's just so stressful. Parking, you gotta pay for parking too.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

Yeah, I gotta pay for parking.

SPEAKER_03 25:38

And then God forbids you didn't eat and been down there all day.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

You can't eat, you can't bring food and drink in there. So yeah. Um I will say if you do not have the resources available to fund these things on your own, try to work on getting a legal fund with your family and friends. You know, try to reach out to them. I know I wouldn't be able to go to court um without the help of family and friends helping me financially um for three years of court, you know, that all adds up, but you still have to take care of kids too. So you still have to take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_03 26:14

And there are cases where you don't have family and friends that can financially help you. I don't recall getting any financial help for court. What I did was work more. And then it was almost almost like when I worked more, it was another excuse for their father to say, Well, she makes enough money now. Why should I have to help her? You know, it's like a I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

And I keep bringing I'm I'm the one to keep bringing her back to court.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

Yeah, yeah. It brings me back to court like like clockwork. Like I know it's coming up.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Yeah. So if you know you're going to be going to custody court soon, put away $25, $50 a paycheck. You know, that does add up. I know sometimes when you're living paycheck to paycheck, $25 and $50 just sound like, that's too much. I can't handle that, you know. But it's better to be prepared for it than to have to react to it, you know? So a financial prep beactive.

SPEAKER_03 27:05

What'd you say? Sorry, go ahead. I said be proactive.

SPEAKER_00 27:08

Yes. So we're gonna include this financial prep checklist in the show notes so you know what to have. But first review your monthly budget. That's very important to know what's coming in and also what's going out on a monthly basis for all of your expenses. Cut unnecessary spending temporarily. Don't want you to feel like you're being punished, but at the same time, we have to be a little bit more mature when it comes to our money when we're dealing with serious situations like this. Absolutely. So the streaming apps, the kids just gonna have to do Tubi. My kids on Tubi right now. Okay. My kids on Tubi, they on Roku, they on all the free stuff. Okay, YouTube, they dealing with that because I can't do the constant increases of Disney Plus. You think I owe plus money. The way they keep going up on my rate, we got every 90 days. It's an extra two, three. Right? Like, uh-uh. No, we're gonna do it. We want to renew the subscription?

SPEAKER_03 28:04

Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Yeah, we're not doing Netflix, we ain't doing Hulu, we ain't doing Disney Plus, we ain't doing Paramount Plus, we ain't doing Peacock, we ain't doing none of that. We doing what's free. And guess what? Two, we've been hitting the mark.

SPEAKER_03 28:17

Listen, unless they come up with a single mom honey rate.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

Right, y'all ain't got no single mom rate. Like, nah. Listen, another portion of the financial prep checklist is to avoid avoid large impulse purchases.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:29

I know that's hard to do, especially when you're in the beginning or the midst of it. You kind of feel like you have to overcompensate for what the children are quote unquote missing. I know I did it. I was buying it.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

I call it retail therapy, but listen, it will hurt your pockets when retail therapy mixes with attorney's fees.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Yeah. Yeah. I I have done it in the midst of it because it just makes you feel good for a minute. It's that, you know, dopamine, dopamine fix in the midst of drama and stress, a stress storm.

SPEAKER_03 29:01

Absolutely. And that storm can last, especially if you have court a couple times in a month. That's it, it just it's like it's raining and pouring and never get it.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

But it doesn't last forever. So let's make it positive. Let's throw some money on that team. It doesn't last forever.

SPEAKER_03 29:16

Remember, this is all temporary.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 29:19

You will get out of it.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

Make sure you know where your credit is. You know, pull your credit report. You're allowed to get a free one for all three of the bureaus every year. So pull your credit report to see where you are and gather proof of your income. Um, all are going to affect child support, custody. They also impact your long-term financial plans. And you need to understand your numbers because now is uh uh a bank of you, a check of you. You are the sole everything for you and your household. So you need to understand those numbers, absolutely. So we'll have all this uh the financial prep checklist in the show notes for you as well.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

Absolutely. I was gonna say one more thing. Know your numbers, but know, and this is not always possible to access the numbers for the other parent. Um, because a lot of people like to work jobs that are off the books. And there are different forms where you can get information on how to find um information to look, I can't even say what I'm saying because I'm over here word vomiting. Anyway, like we said before, you know, come with documentation, proof, pictures, proof of work when you go to these court hearings. Because sometimes, like I said, people work under the table when they try to avoid child support. Just make sure whatever proof you can come up with, get it.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

And sometimes don't think it's ever too small, believe me, because any inkling they got of you, oh, they gonna snowball it. Make it bigger, make it bigger, make it bigger. So be prepared.

SPEAKER_03 30:52

Sometimes you gotta phone a friend.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:53

You gotta phone a friend because I'm not like friends with their father on on social media, but I have other people who may be, and I can call and be like, hey, do you see any pictures of different events? Boom. And they send them to me. So you may need to do that as well. All right, so let's move to segment four emotional and mental health. I think we need to add physical health in there, or is that a segment?

SPEAKER_02 31:16

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 31:17

Okay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. All right. So court is stressful. Stressful is an understatement, and stress impacts your health mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, in all the ways possible. And your nervous system will fill it each time. Like I was saying before, my body knows I have court even before I really start thinking about it. I could say there was court at the end of the month. My body is prepping for it probably the moment that I even speak those words out. Because after going there so many times and just the uncertainty of what's going to happen, it leaves you in a fight or flight state. So here's what I recommend therapy. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Therapy is helpful. Now, therapy as a single mom can be expensive. So, along with that budgeting that you were talking about earlier, budget for therapy or see if there is free therapy or access to something or somebody. Journaling will help for emotional release, not just for court evidence. You can do it for both. Sleep protection. Listen, you're gonna need sleep. And when you're anxious, it's hard to sleep, especially when it comes to court. When I knew I had court in the morning, I was not sleeping well. And I was dreaming about court. It was like I went to court when I went to bed, and then when I had to wake up, I went to torture. It is, it is, and limit the confrontational conversations. So, in all honesty, if you have those court apps, those are excellent because I do not, and I have not, and I've made this a practice for me. I don't contact their father unless it is about the kids. I don't mix, is listen, if that person is not taking care of their children and their responsibility, they are not your friend. Y'all don't have anything to talk about unless it's the children. And if it's not related to the children, I cut that conversation. Exactly. I don't talk about nothing else. And then, you know, sometimes it's good to practice calm communication. Even if you have to practice in the mirror, practice your your court face so that this is my court face.

SPEAKER_00 33:15

Even look if you don't, if you work with help with a court face, go ahead and watch this on YouTube. Go ahead and watch this on YouTube right now. You will see my court face. I'll be in there just like this.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

Stare straight ahead, no eye contact. They don't even exist. And when you have a lawyer, it's even easier. Now, the lawyer could feel my energy. She was often, she felt me raising up, she just tap my leg. Relax, I got this. You know, but ultimately, remember, if you're going in there and you're fighting for the right things, it gets frustrating at times, but God got you. Yeah. That's what I had to, that's what I had to learn when I went to court.

SPEAKER_01 33:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:50

Like, yeah, you're fighting your battles. If you're not going in there with with evil intent, a lot of times people come in with evil intent and it really doesn't work out for them. All right. What else? Remember that the judge is looking at everything. Yeah. Or your court hearing officer. So he observes the demeanor. They see liars. Every day, all day. All day.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

You don't think you've got to prove like, look at him, look at him. You don't even got to do that. I thought I had to do that. And that's why I was so nervous. I thought, well, he fooled me. He could probably fool them. They probably believe him because of the years of mental and emotional abuse. I truly believe that.

SPEAKER_03 34:24

But sometimes it feels like that. Sometimes it still feels like that, but you still gotta stay calm. Because you know that clowns are coming to the clown show to put on a show. Listen, every time I'm like, what's he gonna do next? I mean, I don't even know who he's gonna be each time. Sometimes he dresses up as an unhomed man who smells of alcohol. Sometimes he comes in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it was a good thing. Out by the court that he can't smell like alcohol? You know what? I don't know, but I know that day he did end up um in contempt, not because of me, but he was talking back to the judge that alcohol don't be lying on people. Wow. So a lot of times, you know, people will go in there and their true colors will come out. Because, you know, when they're pushed up against the wall, if they hate women, it's gonna show, especially if they got a female judge, you know, or if they're just lying, they can't keep up with their lies. Like, sir, you just said this. You are on the record. No, I didn't. So you're calling the judge a liar now.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

Always comes dilama.

SPEAKER_03 35:23

So, yeah, you know, just you remember to stay calm.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

Exactly. And that doesn't mean you don't have nothing to hide. Yeah, that doesn't mean suppress your feelings. You know, that's very important. We're not trying to tell you suppress your feelings, we're just telling you to regulate them. Because you do not want to be off the handle or play into the character that they have created for you. So like saying, This is what I'm talking about. That's why I can't be in my kids' live because don't give them that. I promise you, you're not going to win at their game. Create your own rules and build your own game. Exactly. Now, look, we all cry sometimes, but you cry your last time.

SPEAKER_03 35:58

I cry, you cry. No. We ain't crying in court.

SPEAKER_00 36:02

Together, baby, when I cry, you cry. I don't even know what song that is. It just popped in my head.

SPEAKER_03 36:09

I remember it though. Yeah, I remember it too. Yeah. We ain't crying together. So that is not even productive. It's okay to cry. But not for them. That ship has sailed.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

Yeah. It's not gonna make a difference.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

It's not. It's not. Sober feelings. Exactly. Just try to remain emotionally stable. Be strong for you and for your children when it comes to court. You know, if you need to cry afterwards, do that. But not don't give them the satisfaction. If you need to, like a mental note, remember that you have thug life forever.

SPEAKER_02 36:43

Tat it on your chest when you come to the note. Exactly. Cry in therapy, not in the courtroom.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

Absolutely. I I'm an advocate for that. So let's talk about the courtroom behavior outside of don't be in there crying and shit. It ain't gonna make a difference and shit, you know? Exactly. How do you present yourself in court? Matters. Presentation in court is first. You need to dress professionally. Don't come in here with no damn pajamas. Even if you feel low, even if you feel depressed, just go ahead and take a shower, sis. Go ahead and run the iron over your clothes. Just come in there for that moment because you are representing your motherhood and you're representing your kids. Okay. And you're right. Be early. You don't want to be running around trying to uh walk and run around like a chicken with your head cut off. Like, no. If you're gonna be early for anything, this is something you need to be early for. And it gives you time to process your feelings, get familiar with the environment, things that's going around, the noises that you're hearing, doors open and closing, keys jiggling, people arguing and have a conversation stuff. It gives you time to just calm down to get grounded in the moment as well. Bring organized documents. Don't be like them coming with an empty briefcase with no receipts.

SPEAKER_03 37:58

Oh my God. Or stacks of paper on paper.

SPEAKER_00 38:02

Yeah, no rhyme or reason. Just killing trees for no reason. Just come on, you assaulting the nature, too?

SPEAKER_02 38:09

Damn.

SPEAKER_00 38:09

So be organized. Have a folder, you know, with your um documents, uh dated, alphabetized, whatever you need, so that when it comes a question of, oh, I have this document. Okay, can we see it? Open up your little uh what's it called? What's the instrument? Accordion? Yes, it's according to your accordion folder.

SPEAKER_03 38:29

We are playing charades right now.

SPEAKER_00 38:33

Open your accordion folder and have all that stuff um put together. And I do not turn off my phone, I'll turn the ringer off, but I do not turn off my actual phone while I'm at court because I'm usually texting people like I'm there, asking for prayers, you know, just to get me grounded and get me protected as well. And just knowing that my behavior in court, I need to be speaking respectfully to everyone. That person. Yes, emo. I don't want to say it.

SPEAKER_03 39:03

Should I do? But there are things you can say in a respectful way. You know, like those, uh, you ever watch those reels where people are like, how to cuss someone out professional?

SPEAKER_00 39:12

And corporate America?

SPEAKER_03 39:13

Yes, we need to do the episode on how to cuss them out in court professional.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

By guys, that's so true.

SPEAKER_03 39:20

Listen, with all you can, with all your might, try not to interrupt in court. Try not to roll your eyes, roll them on the inside. Just close your eyes for a second. If you feel an eye roll, shut them eyeballs. My face is transparent at all times. Like the look of disgust is probably coming through my pores when I'm in court. But I try really hard. Like, do not whisper comments, but you can talk to your attorney if your attorney's there.

SPEAKER_00 39:42

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_03 39:44

Exactly. If you're paying your attorney, this is it's a like a shield between you and that other person.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

Yeah, and definitely when you are questioned by either the opposing attorney or the judge, just answer the questions directly. Short, clear, crisp, and honest.

SPEAKER_03 40:03

Exactly. And remember, that's your attorney. I can't believe because they are just waiting to say hearsay.

SPEAKER_00 40:10

No, that's like hearsay, but they're also looking to show that you're an emotional mess, that you're hysterical. That still impacts women's opposition today. The hysterical exactly of woman just being hysterical. This is why I don't trust my children being around her. Look, she can't even get her own thoughts out. She can't be logical. They love to say that. When they're the most emotional ones in the room, like exactly. Okay. But that's passion for them about their children.

SPEAKER_03 40:37

Fake ass passion. Look, it's fake ass passion, is which got you into this goddamn mess. That's what it is. Lord have mercy.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Nobody wants to talk about accountability, but you know what you could be accountable for? Go ahead and rate and review our podcast wherever you are looking for. Absolutely. We love fives because we're doing it for the single moms. Also, go ahead and follow us on social media, TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at SingleMom Honey. You can watch our videos, subscribe to them, and rate them, or share them with other single moms like yourself. And if there's ever a topic you would like us to discuss, such as this, where we're going to come back with a part two next week to go further in depth about how you can be confident and ready for custody core. You can send us an email at single momhoney at gmail. Thanks for tuning in to Single Mom Honey. You bring the tea, and we got the honey. All right, see you next time.