20: Court-Ready & Confident: How to Prepare for a Custody Case Pt. 2

Today’s episode is the 2nd part of our court-ready & confident: how to prepare for a custody case as a single mom.

And let’s just say this upfront — we are not attorneys. This episode is for educational and empowerment purposes only. Always consult a licensed family law attorney in your state for legal advice.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, and welcome back to Single Mom Honey, the podcast dedicated to single moms with a focus on health, money, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

I'm Quaylin. I cover the health.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

I'm Aisha and I cover the money.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

So today together, together, we cover everything in between.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

We're on part two of Court Ready and Confident, how to prepare for a Cusky Case as a single mom. If you haven't listened to part one, go ahead and listen to last week. And it goes over five different segments. And today we're going to start on segment six, which is build a support system.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

And that is absolutely necessary. So we're talking about building a support system for when you're you need to get court ready. So you definitely need backup in more ways than one. And that means from like emotional support, you're going to need somebody to watch your kids if they're not in school, if it's not during the school day. You need to plan everything. Like the timing is like has to be so on point. Because when you go to court, sometimes you don't know when you're getting out. Um, you're also gonna need someone who's gonna pray with you.

unknown 1:05

Pray.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

I was gonna say that spiritual support.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Spiritual support is real. Like sometimes I will I will say this. I get a phone call from my friends, even you, you know, just right before or just right after. Because something in the spiritual world, the ancestors and tapped on your shoulder, like call your girl. Call your girl. Yes, because you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Just got out of court. Oh lord. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Yeah, you need somebody who can listen with no judgment. Yeah. If you like good honest feedback, helpful feedback. Um, you need someone to help you review documents. Now, that can be your lawyer or that could be a friend, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Or if your friend's like good at exhibits. Maybe you're not the type of person that could put together an illustration to explain custody, to explain what has happened, to explain numbers or percentages, because of course low to see numbers. I all don't know how many times I gotta tell people that. If you can show percentages of out of this hundred times, he's only come 46. 46% of the time, that's hindering us. So that is something that needs to be adjusted. So maybe you have a friend who's good in Canva who can help you out. Like, I'll do that. Give me the information, I'll do it for you.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Or even a friend that just helps you stay calm. Like sometimes you need to vent before you get into court to get some things off your chest so you don't explode in court.

unknown 2:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Someone keep you like on the opposite side of chaos when you go to court.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Yeah, absolutely. And I think you are definitely an integral part of my support since I've been going to court because I was very unfamiliar with it. And but you had a, you know, experience with it for a while. Yeah, unfortunately, you had experience. Also, what I like to say, when it comes to your support system, just because someone's your friend doesn't mean they should be a part of your support system. Let's put that out there as well.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Just because you get along with somebody when everything is going great and fine in your life, doesn't necessarily mean that they are capable or have the capacity to be involved with the doom and gloom that is to come for being in court, going through divorce, or even going through a custody battle. Not everybody is there for you in those instances. Now, with that being said, you have one of two options. You can either pick or choose the people that you share with the situations or the facts during this journey because you know which friends are there for you no matter what the circumstances are. And you know some people who are circumstantial. They only could be there for a certain amount of time for certain things. They not they can't do with the doom and bloom. They only want to be there, fun, happy, see the fun, happy Aisha and Quaylin, but they can't deal with the depressed and uh somebody going through spiritual warfare type of Aisha and Quaylin.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Or you could choose that you're just going to, I guess, eliminate that person from your circle because they're not adding to it, you know? Like the they're you can tell the people you call and tell the different responses you get versus, oh my gosh, I was just gonna be over and done. Like I'm so tired of hearing that.

SPEAKER_02 4:03

You gotta listen to their responses. Like you gotta be able to pick between the people who only get excited when things are going wrong in your life.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

I didn't get on that. So thank you for getting on that. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Okay. And the people who only have time when it's something fun, and the people who are listening, judging you or just listening for the gossip. They want to update, they want all the tea. Yeah. And don't have any honey to offer for it.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

You know, you gotta be selective about who knows your business and who can some people know your business to help you, other people know your business just to be in it.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

So don't just build a system, build a support system. It's the difference.

SPEAKER_02 4:39

Absolutely. That makes the difference between you protecting your peace and your edges because you think that just the other guy will stress you out, but you pick the wrong people to be in your court.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

And I will also like to say, make sure that support system isn't too big. Because I don't know about you, Clay, but during my process of going to court, I realized if I let too many people know, everybody wants to update. And by that I'm drained.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Oh, that's just stressful. I mean you can play. I don't want to talk about it no more.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Because it's over with, and my mind is over and done with, but I done told them leading up to court what's gonna happen. So they want to know because they, you know, are interested or they want to do my support and stuff. And by that, I'm like, shit, copy paste, same, everybody get the same message. Look, because I'm I'm tired of it, I'm appreciative of them being a part of my support system and just yeah, it's give me two, three business days before I could reboot to get back to that court.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Yeah, because you need to decompress after court.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

And you don't I don't get to decompress after court. I have to go straight back into mom mode. I don't get just but like also three days.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

If you have to repeat and repeat and repeat, it re-triggers you, re-injures you, you know, you know, you gotta keep reliving that whole situation over and over again, and it's exhausting. And you got other shit to do, so like your mom.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Yeah, so be very selective. You know, everybody doesn't need to know the court details. I say have a good core of I say I probably started out with 10, but now I'm probably down to a good four that go on the details. I don't have to explain the reasons dissertations that you gotta express to.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

I'm not doing all that.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

I have a job, unlike their father. I have things okay. I have a job to get back to and all those good things. So yeah. All right, so segment seven, co-parenting strategy. Now, this is an interesting one because you have to take into account not only your mental health, the mental health of your children, but also the capabilities of your quote unquote co-parent, you know?

SPEAKER_02 6:38

I always like it a co-parent unto a co-pilot. So if the pilot goes down, the co-pilot's supposed to be able to fly that plane. So I think the term co-parent is used very loosely.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Too loosely.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Too loosely.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Like a hope.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

People used to like to fling it around like I've been trying to co-parent with her. When, sir. When?

SPEAKER_01 6:59

No, you have not.

SPEAKER_02 7:01

But you know, show willingness, but also be realistic and come with the facts. You know, show that you've been willing, you've had the the kids the air wherever they need to be, and you know, do your part. That's basically the message, the moral of the story. Do your part.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Look, when you were saying show willingness, the only thing that kept off of my head is I could be willing, willy-nilly. You know, like I I have been willing when it comes to the co-parenting from the beginning. And you could go into court showing a willingness to cooperate, but then results were just that. They're facts. There's nothing I could do to control how this person parents, there's nothing I could do to control how this person uh takes care of children's personal hygiene when they're in his care. Nothing there's nothing I can do about the children not having their needs met. Food, water, you know.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

Otherwise, you gotta pray and keep it moving for real, for real, when it comes to like it was it was gonna drive crazy.

unknown 8:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

It will tear you apart, even though this person has a history of doing that to not only your children, but children he's had in prior marriages, you know, being a third ex-wife. We could talk about that another time. But you know, court definitely does favor parents to have a healthy relationship. But courts also see so much day in and day out that they can understand and see automatically what a high which one is the high conflict parent from the get-go. So they're not gonna force you into having a healthy relationship if it's impossible based off of the results that they have seen themselves.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

And even if you get a court order that says you're co-parenting, like it is not your responsibility to make the other parent co-parent. Like, don't take that on. Like, you know, I think initially everyone's like, you need to make sure you're here on time to pick up your kids. If they don't show up, like, don't depend on them. Like, it's a whole nother stress. I was like, you know, I mean, I think there are 30 minutes. What? 30 minutes. Well, you know, I just realized like the times that I was going to court, I was fighting against reality. I would go in there and he'd be like, what was his favorite word? It was like, oh, Lord have mercy.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

It better not be amicable.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

No, alienation is his favorite word.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:17

And he was like, I seen that on court TV and I'm about to use it.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

They all read out the same recipe book, girl.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

Yeah, and I'll I he's in court talking about, she has alienated me from the children. And I'm looking around, like, am I on punk? Where's Ashton Kusher? Like, you know, because alienated. I was like, alienation is not the same as being absent, sir. Like, I bet you didn't show up doesn't mean that the kids weren't available. And then, you know, after a while, I'll just be like, you know, I can say it up with my whole chest. You ain't had these kids overnight in like four years, five years. Like, you don't show up.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

And you got the court order to say that you could do these things. You just choose not to do it. So I'm confused at how you're the victim in this situation.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Yeah. A lot of times, you know, when it comes to court orders for custody, I don't know, but just in my experience, it's far and few in between when people actually really want custody. Typically, it's about the amount of child support they have to pay and they're trying to get out of it.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Or control. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

You know, and with co-parenting comes the potential of that parents still trying to be abusive or controlling, like you just said. Um, and it doesn't mean you need to tolerate abuse. Listen, I have strong boundaries. I just got a message today that said, call me now, like Miss Cleo from back in the day.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

That's what I heard too. Call them now.

SPEAKER_02 10:35

Right. I was like, matter of fact, I'm working and I I get a call. Sir, you don't have access to me. Now I know where all the kids are. One's at school. You know he doesn't. They don't have school today. But he he starts sending messages like, hey, I want to talk about the kids. What would you like to talk about, sir? It can't be about child support because we haven't received that in months. It can't be about custody because you don't come around. Like, you can text me.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

You haven't received, see, I feel like that's giving a misdirection. And I know you didn't mean this, but in my mind, yeah. You have you haven't received child support consistently in years.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

You're right, you're right.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

You haven't received a recent payment time and he just what eight years consistent payments. I don't even know.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Nine at this point. Yeah, because uh my oldest is gonna be 19 this year. Yeah. Yep, it's going on nine years, in and out, like, you know, but uh you know, even he likes to use the term co-parenting very loosely. Well, we need to co-parent. The kids need us to communicate today, sir, when she's about to be uh 19, or you're talking about when initially when the youngest was two, who's about to be 11. Like, I don't know what you're looking for at this point, but sir, you will not disrupt my day, and you have to make sure you have strong boundaries because I used to take those phone calls and it would like put a damper on my spirit. Nobody take away from my day. Trying to gaslight me. Not at all. It shouldn't be this hard for me to talk to you. Boy, somebody else, try Jesus, not me, not today, Satan. Like it just was I just look at it and I laugh now. I'm like, hmm. I say, if there's anything you would like to talk to me about, you can send it in an email.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

I'm not cutting off communication with you, I'm just letting you know what my values are.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

That's the way you can communicate. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

I cannot communicate with you over the phone. It needs to be written out.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

And I don't have to answer every message that you send me.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

I don't have a phone call. You're not entitled to me. But, you know, and this is another way to avoid conflict. Outside of court, unless it's necessary, I don't talk.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

Because I mean, I've realized a long time ago that that's not my friend. If you do have an amicable uh relationship, great. You know, but once you realize, like, I'm not friends with people who don't take care of their kids. It's just not my thing. I don't have no girlfriends who don't take care of their kids. And I ain't gonna have no dude who don't take care of his kids. And I'm not talking to the man who don't take care of his own kids that he shared with me. Like, we don't have nothing in common. Very good. Except for this DNA. You know what? We are related to the same kids. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Be a better human being. And then maybe, maybe to discuss having a Kiki here and there. But be a better human being.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

I don't need a Kiki.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

She said, I don't need a Kiki. So you're saying if he didn't go, like say he went to therapy and he went through this intensive program to help with his behavior, his negativity towards the world, women, obviously parent issues, some childhood trauma.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

What is between him? Listen, I want to be very clear.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

I'm just saying, what if he did or reflect?

SPEAKER_02 13:37

That is great for him and his children. That has nothing to do with me. I have given that all to God. Okay? It is above me now. Yeah. I want to be very clear. I want no parts of that. I take that.

SPEAKER_00 13:50

I get it.

SPEAKER_02 13:51

I get it. You ain't got to show me twice. I believe you.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

So what else can we talk about when it comes to court custody for a single mom? Well, we can't how about what not to do? That's my part. You see my name right there. Did you say about document your efforts to communicate?

SPEAKER_02 14:07

No, I didn't. So it's very important to document your efforts to communicate respectfully. So for me, like I said, I always document via text message or email or a court app because so otherwise, as he said, she said in court, and nobody wanna hear none of that. And then it's manipulation over the phone. I'm like, you he knows that he can't send me nothing in text because I'll read it right back to him. That's why his initial goal is to let me call and see if she'll pick up.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

What do you mean you'll read it back right back to him?

SPEAKER_02 14:37

Because unfortunately, you know, the manipulation and the gaslighting is a pattern for him. So like if he sends it in text and then he says a different story, I would have screenshot his text back to him. You get what I'm saying? Well, that's not what I meant. That's not what I said. So there it goes right there. You want to re-explain? Okay, have a good day, sir. Like, you know, real simple, straight to the point. I don't have time for it. And I'm very clear, it's like time is money. And you're not helping. You don't support like physically, spiritually. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

All right. So aside from the support system, also how to build a co-parenting strategy, let's talk about what not to do. When going with us in court. Okay. Now, we're gonna run through this quickly, but I need you to hear every word that I say.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Do not withhold the child out of anger.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Absolutely not. The child is not a weapon.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

They are not. And it's easy to get to that place. Okay, do you just not go see your kid because you're not doing don't do it. You're falling into their game. You're giving them something. We're not giving them nothing to do with that.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

And there can be consequences for that. Oh, the court order. You can be in jail and then lose some of your time. You also cause mental mental health, like damage to your children. And to yourself. Yeah. That and then just the stress of it all by itself and the the ends you'll have to go through, the means to get to an end is to keep them away from the and people get so petty, you know, even when you're not withholding the kids, people bring cops to your house.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

I know too well about that. Yeah. It's like, no.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Even though they didn't um show up for months. Exactly. Then they play victim and they're afraid to get their kids. I mean, every story, you name it. Because what they are dedicated to is being the victim, not taking care of children.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

And creating chaos. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Because when you when there's chaos, you will be distracted. And then they can try to work in their plan a little better. So don't be distracted.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Also, do not trash talk the other parent in front of your child.

SPEAKER_02 16:48

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

I'm not saying make them Disney dad. Make him so big, bigger than what he really is. I'm not saying that. You can state facts, but you need to make sure it's age appropriate for your child. I'm not saying lie to your child either.

SPEAKER_02 17:01

Do not lie to your kids.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Listen, if he's not showing up, he's not showing up. That's it. Do not take that responsibility onto yourself because somehow, some way that's going to build a narrative in your child's mind that you're the problem and you're the issue, which aligns with mom with their lies about you. Because just because you're taking a high road when it comes to your kid doesn't mean the other co-parent.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

And you'll know, because you can tell by your kids' attitudes when they come back home that something was said or the kids will mention. It's, I mean, they can't help themselves. It's inevitable. They're gonna bring it up. Well, dad said, you're like, oh. Don't even have that conversation with them. That conversation is for that father. Or you can choose to ignore it and keep it moving. Because no matter what you do, your name's coming up. Yeah. Especially if there's relationship. Um, or you know, in all reality, you know, sometimes because you hold people responsible and accountable, they hate your guts. So they don't have anything nice to say. And you can tell listen, I know every time I go to court, I don't know what's gonna be said next. I find out stuff about me all the time. But what I've learned to do is just take a deep breath, take it with a grain of salt. Like I told you before, the last time I was in court, I found out that I do hair on the side. I don't I don't have time for it because I'm busy taking care of three kids. Do I do my own hair? Yeah, sometimes. Do I do my kids' hair? Yeah, sometimes I even try to cut the dog's hair and it don't be coming out nice. You know. The kids told me to stick to stay in my lane, stick to my day job, you know. But you know, best belief if you hear lies about you in court, there are lies about you going on on the streets. Like, you know, and then definitely to your children because some people are always working against you because they think it works in their favor.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

But, you know, just unfortunate. And also just like your children come to you and tell you things that your dad may their dad may have said about you, they're also going back telling their dad things that you may have said about them as well. So that's why it's just best to keep it cute, baby. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Actually, I really feel like in my house, that man does not come up here. Unless they kids are older though.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

They've been through this a lot longer than my kids. My kids are pretty long.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

They don't ask for him. I mean, again, it's been years. It's not like, oh, what are we gonna see him? They already know he ain't coming. They get desensitized to the nonsense. Yeah. You know, so my kids aren't looking for him because they already have been disappointed enough in the sense where they know he's not showing up. They know he's not coming through. There's nothing new. Yeah, nothing new. You know, they know who they can count on.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

There's nothing on your doing, that is from his own actions. Which I know people refuse to acknowledge because that sounds too much. You can't make things that smell disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

Accountability, pee. Listen, and you know, there have been times that, you know, early on, I've posted online about this bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Because sometimes you just have to have an outlet, especially when you have somebody constantly trying to come and say shit about you.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

Yeah, because you know, I listen, I was finding I found out a story about me from a friend who was on vacation in Florida. Somebody was telling her a story about how there was this girl named Quay and that she tried to take her ex-husband for everything.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

And all the people you were in the bag.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

I don't know. I don't know, but I was listening to the story, like, what happened next? He's like, she tried to take him for everything. He was trying to build his restaurant, and then she didn't believe in him. So then she wanted to sue him for everything he had. And I was confused, girl. And you know, the crazy part is if the girl who was telling me the story is a close friend of mine, because she was like, Who are you talking about? What's the person's name? So when she mentions a name, she's like, Are you serious? She's like, That's not what happened. She's like, Do you know Quay? She's like, No, but I know she didn't do right by him, and blah blah blah blah. I mean, so adamant, girl never met me a day in her life. Is she from Pittsburgh? Yeah, and she hadn't met me, but she was friends with him, you know? And you know, because I've been busy having already been.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

They are convincing. I want to do it.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, Do you know she's a nurse practitioner? Do you know she does this? She's like, No, he never told me that. No, he never told me that. But she was so adamant. She was telling a story on her vacation. I was like, How do I come up? Like, my friend Ebony didn't even know the story was about me until she put all them details. She's like, Who are you talking about? Yeah, crazy, crazy, crazy. Like, you know, at the end of the day, people are gonna talk. Yeah, people are gonna get it. They're gonna get under your skin. They're gonna talk in court too. You gotta you gotta grow thick skin in court because otherwise you'll be acting out of emotion in court, and that's where you'll get in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

You gotta be very you gotta be very strategic when it comes to court. And even if you are in your emotions, you need to practice some coping mechanisms in court. Deep breathing. Remember the breath work session? That that's the time when breath work really becoming in for court. You have to breathe. You gotta deep breathe.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Right? If you haven't gone and listened to that episode, Introduction to Breath Work for the Single Mom, go ahead with Megan the Hustle Hillerville. She lets us know how we could calm ourselves prior to, during, and after court. Or or emotional situations like this. So the what else not to do? Do not ignore court dates. Don't court orders. Don't do it. Don't you ever ignore a court date and say, you know what I'm tired? I ain't going. That's when everything is gonna go against you. You always show up regardless of how you feel. That's how you show up for your kids by going to court and making sure you're there on time for your court dates and you're professional and you're professionally dressed. So you are prepared. This is more I feel like this is just as important as making sure your child is fed. It's about making sure you go to court because you're making sure their soul is being fed by having them around the proper people in their lives. Absolutely. You could do redo adulthood multiple times. Childhood is a one-and-done.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

And the impact that your childhood has is great.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Yeah, it's your foundation of life. So also do not show up unprepared. Don't go on and talk about, well, I ain't have time. Usually court is 60, 90 days apart. You had time.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Exactly. Well, I'll say this: I don't think that court has the same leniency on mothers that it has on fathers. Absolutely not at all. And you know, every time I've showed up with uh pay stubs, tax returns, things like that, that man shows up with pals of paper or no paper or excuses. But for me, and the fact that I carry a license, like I have looked when I've applied, I'm licensed in several states. When I look to apply for these other licenses, it asks me, do you have any back child support? Do you have any professional licenses? Do you have this? Do you have that? If you don't show up and listen, I'm telling you, the only person who's going to protect you in court is you. So coming unprepared just puts everything at risk for you.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Your attorney is not enough representation for you. You have to show up as well. Make sure you check in too. I don't know how your court system is quite, but when I go to court, I have to go to the front desk and check in to let them know.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

I have to check in too. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Don't just go and sit down because all of a sudden you'd be like, dang, I've been here for two hours.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

I checked in and sat down and still didn't hear them call my name before. Because they didn't. I walked in, I swear, I swear to ancestors tapped me on my shoulder. Go, go over to that room. I'm sitting outside of it. I go in, and lo and behold, homeboy's in there just, whoo is me.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

And he called you out there too.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

Yeah. I had even text him, don't we have court today? Because I'm like waiting for him. Where are you? But he took that as an opportunity. Let me go in here and try to beat them down before she gets here.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Did it go in your favor that day or no?

SPEAKER_02 24:27

That was fine. I mean, I don't, you know, I don't really count court in my favor. Maintains the status quo because I really end up just taking care of the kids by myself, unfortunately. Every now and then when we go to court, like most of the time we go to court, it's because he's filed a case to get out of child support. Yeah. For the last couple years, because it hasn't been about custody or anything. It's typically just about I don't want to pay child support no more. I need to pay less. Oh, I'm not a stealer. Why should I have to pay this much? Oh, I'm not this. I'm not that. She got enough money. Your Honor, did you see her pay stocks? She should be able to take care of the kids barrased out. Like, this is the stuff I deal with.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

And that is disgraceful as a man. Disgraceful.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

Because it's like, it's over and over again. And you know what? In all honesty, I feel like court hearings should be public because whereas I don't even feel like the court holds him accountable, but I feel like, you know, as much as he's in love with social media, if these court hearings were posted online and people got to really see how he was acting in court, it would be a whole nother story. You know what I mean? It would be a whole nother story. They're like, who is this? Coming in there dressed like a bum, coming in there smelling like alcohol, coming in there, you know, talking about an injury from like four years ago, talking about he can't work. You know, it's just, there's just so much. But then on the other hand, you know, outside of court, if I get to a parent-teacher meeting, recently I had one, you know, he has legal, 50% legal custody, but I have primary custody of the kids, physical custody, and you know how that goes. So he can come to the like stuff for school or anything legal. But when he shows up there, it's like he's a whole different person. Oh, I work with kids all the time. I do this all the time. Or you keep your own children.

SPEAKER_01 26:08

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_02 26:08

Yeah, I mean like Lord, I was like, who is this guy? Come to court, I'm broke, I stink, I'm a drunk, I'm being alienated, and then it's like I take care of everybody else's kids. I was like, oh.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

Well, they usually do make really good stepdads, though. They're like top-tier stepdads. I don't know what in the matrix allows this to happen, but it happens somehow, somehow. I guess there's no true responsibility. You should be thankful I'm here because I don't have to be. I could leave whenever I want to versus with my kids. I have to be responsible for them. That's what it is. There we go. Click. Makes sense. So, what else you should not do when it comes to custody court is don't post about the case online. Wait until the results come in. Don't post about it. I know you wanna, I know you wanna tell everybody what's going on. I get it, I get it, I get it. But wait until the results come in. That's how that personally that's how I feel. What about you, Quay?

SPEAKER_02 27:01

Like I said, before when I was younger, if I got pissed, I would just type online, like, fuck this, you know, but uh now I can phone a friend. I don't feel like posting all my shit online. I don't feel like talking to everybody about it, you know, and then honestly, there's always three sides to the story.

SPEAKER_00 27:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:20

What I've learned over the years is, you know, there is a narrative already built. Like I'm from Pittsburgh. Like, you know what I mean? So This is your hometown, not even my hometown, so my hometown, so during the time of like going to custody court and all that stuff, I was busy with the kids. He was outside, running his mouth to anybody who wouldn't listen. So at this point, what I have really learned in life is not to give a fuck.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

You have to.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

I don't like you like me, love me, leave me. I don't care. I'm not looking to make no new friends. You know, if I make a friend, cool. If I don't, cool. If you don't like me because of him, I don't care. No.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Making your alliance known.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

Yeah, yeah. Like, thank you for being clear about who you are. Like, you know, so you know, I just don't feel like feel the need to post online. I don't have to post pictures all the time with my kids because I'm with them all the time, you know. So listen. I'm with them every day. I see them in real life. So, like, you know, for a long time, every time he would see the kids, like he was like, I need pictures of this. And he would even use these pictures in court. Be like, I was with them, I was with them. It could be same pictures on the same day. He could have them try on different clothes. He could just post them pictures just to post pictures. He could have seen them for five minutes because he stopped past my sister's house, you know, just trying to snap a picture. You know, the kids got, you know, hip to that, and we're while we're refusing to take pictures. The other, one won't take pictures at all. And my youngest is like, I know we're related to this man, but like, is he my uncle? Like, I I don't know, you know. He knows it's his father per se, you know, but like the relationship isn't there.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

It's not closer to my uncles than I am to my own dad. Something's not right.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Exactly. He even told me, he said, uh, my uncles are my dads. He told me that on his own own accord, you know, and that's because of the impact and the presence that they have in his life. Yeah. You know, so I don't need to post on social media. I don't need to, you know, like even discussing it now, I'm okay with it now because I'm I'm I'm healed from that process. Like, you know what I mean? But just, you know, if you are going through that and you feel the need to post, just know that when you post information or opening up, open yourself up to uh public scrutiny. You give people the power to comment on your life. Like it's a portal to your peace. Yeah. Open things up online.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

Then you open up somebody, put a comment there, and then you that you did like now you decent with them, now your energy getting distracted by multiple people and stuff, and you don't know who this person is, what they know about you, what they think they know about you. So I don't know. I just after till the results come, I don't say nothing.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

And everybody's not entitled to your business. I don't care if the results come. When the results come, they're your results.

SPEAKER_01 29:59

Like, you know, so this is true.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

You know, and then you know, even if you're trying to build a case online against the person. Now, what what I will say about social media, one of the good things is even if you're not posting, if you're working with someone who is just so in love with themselves, narcissistic, yeah, just self-indulged, attention. Yes, they can't help it but to post online as often. And they don't have real friends. Yeah, and they don't you don't have real friends. They don't have people to check them to be like, you probably shouldn't post this because it might pop up in court. You know, so like for me, I do have friends who send me messages like, hey, I seen him at this event, I seen that this at that event, or this is going on, so that when I do go to court and he magically comes in there looking like he is unhomed, that I can pull up the fact that, hey sir, you were just here at this event and you posted in your own words, I had this suit custom made, I had this bow tie custom made, I had this, I had a photo shoot for my birthday. How did you afford those things but not your child support? How, how did you how did you get here, but you can't get to your kids? How are you eating here and it's so so pricey, but you know, according to that court order, you're supposed to provide dinner twice a week and you haven't in years. Like it's crazy, you know. But that's where social media will come in handy. That is public knowledge. You can screenshot, have someone screenshot for you. I'm not even involved. I if I know I got court, I phone a friend, like, hey, can you check and see if there's anything on there I can use for court so I can get help with child support? And your friends got you.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

But that's the only reason I would use it.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

No, no, I totally get that.

SPEAKER_02 31:33

All right, so let's talk about affirmations, okay? That you can say before you go to court. Now you gotta speak positivity into your life because court itself is draining. Like my body before I go to court, I am out here like, oh my God. Even though I may be calm on the outside and I have my woo-saw moments, you know, my physically I can still feel it. And I do feel like uh a couple years ago, I had an onset of AFib, atrial fibrillation. And I think it was, you know, dealing with court, work, living in America while black, you know, all of those things all together, but like it really impacts your health. So like you have to be able to maintain your peace throughout these situations because otherwise it's gonna impact you and you have to take care of your kids. So say this with us. I am prepared. Come on, East. Oh, you want your pre- Okay, this right now.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

I am prepared.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

I am prepared. I am stable. I am stable. I am a safe place for my child. I am a safe place for my child. All right, now you repeat after me. Okay. This is about my child's best interest, not my ego.

SPEAKER_02 32:37

Okay. This is about my child's best interest, not my ego. All right, and I will walk into that courtroom calm and confident.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

And I will walk into that courtroom calm and confident.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

And nothing will move me.

SPEAKER_01 32:52

And nothing will move me. Period. But the spirit of God, okay? Alright, because we gotta remember custody cases are hard. They are hard. Like I say, you're fighting for your heart outside of your chest. But preparation gives you the power, and that's what this episode and the one prior to this is all about. Giving you the power for your peace.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

Yes, and just remember, you are not fighting for just time with your kids. You're fighting for stability, consistency, all the things that are staples of your childhood. And that's nothing to take light.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

Exactly. And if this episode helped you share with another single mom like yourself, go ahead and follow us on our socials at single mom official. I mean, sorry, single mom honey official. And send us an email for any topics or you'd like to be a guest at singlemhoney at gmail.com. And don't forget to subscribe and rate our YouTube and our podcast wherever you're listening to us. All right, you bring the tea. And we got the honey. See you next time. Bye.