Episode 9: Love as a compliment, not a requirement.

This week on Cocoa and the Culture, Cocoa explores a powerful shift in how many people are thinking about relationships: what if love were a compliment to your life, not a requirement for it?

For generations, we were taught that partnership was the ultimate goal, the thing that made life complete. From fairy tales and sitcoms to cultural expectations about marriage and timelines, the message has often been clear: happiness arrives when love does. But what happens when people begin building full, meaningful lives before a partner ever enters the picture?

In this episode, Cocoa reflects on independence, emotional maturity, and the growing idea that a relationship should enhance your life rather than define it. Through thoughtful conversation and cultural reflection, she explores what it means to be open to love while still protecting your autonomy, purpose, and peace.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Coco and the culture, where our stories breathe. Love in every moment. Truth in what we see. Coco and the culture. Joy in every word. This is what we gather. This is where we're heard. Hello, hello, hello.

SPEAKER_06 0:27

Hello. Oh, good to know some things haven't changed. Hello, what up, people? Guess who's BZA? What's up, folks? I've been gone a minute. Welcome to Coco and the Culture where humanity, kindness, and the black experience take center stage. I am your host, Coco. Yes. Y'all want to get up and calm down. Sorry guys. You know the studio audience don't know how to act. Ain't nothing changed. What's up, y'all? How have you guys been? I've missed you guys. What's been going on? What I missed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And what else happened? Oh, where I been? Sick, y'all. Sick as a dog. Shout out to all the people who hit me up asking me when the next episode was going to be. I genuinely appreciate you guys. I was man down. Oh, I was manned down. Y'all, when I tell y'all I was so sick, you know, as many of you guys already know, I am a teacher. I teach the most adorable little germ bags and sickness disease spreaders ever on the planet. Y'all, I put up, I put up a good fight. I put up a good fight. They were sick for like weeks, and I was dodging the germs, dodging, ducking, dodging. I was like Neo, how he was dodging the bullets in the Matrix. I was dodging the germs, but they got me. Lo and behold, it got me. And when I tell y'all it took me down, they took me all the way down. They took me down, y'all. I was down bad. Y'all, I had to cough. Check. Congestion. Check. Fever. Check. Oh, what y'all say? Double pink eye. Check, check, check. Yo, who gets pink eye at this big age? There's not an age restriction on pink eye. Ain't it like after you turn 30, pink eye be like, you ain't getting no pink eye. You over 30. I'm way over 30. Why? Why would pink eye play games in my face? Why did I wake up and almost have a panic attack? I looked in the mirror. I said, what in the red, pink mauve is going on in my eyeballs? I was, I was down bad, y'all. And I had the cough that wouldn't quit. I'm talking like, it don't matter. I I didn't sleep for like weeks. I was all drugged up. I took the day quill, the night quill, the afternoon quill, the middle of the day quill. Nothing worked. Still was coughing, still wasn't sick, missed an entire week of work. You know, as teachers, we only get three and a half sick days, used up all my sick days, had to cancel my vacation. Sick as a dog. But being that I was out for a couple of weeks and didn't record, I have so much stuff to talk to y'all about. When I tell y'all it has been crazy. The official word for 2026, in case you don't know, is unprovoked. Unprovoked. Meaning that you just out here minding your good business and some stuff just be happening to you that you didn't even ask for. You didn't even do nothing. Unprovoked. I had to narrow it down because if I told y'all everything that happened in these last couple of weeks, I'd have a three-hour pod. And ain't nobody got time for that. So I narrowed it down to just two stories. Okay? I'm just gonna tell y'all two little story times to give you an idea of what I mean about the shenanigans and tomfoolery that I encountered. We're gonna jump right in. First of all, let's set the stage for the first story. We're calling this spider apocalypse. For those of you who already know the story, don't laugh. I'm already telling you in advance, don't laugh because it's not funny. I almost died. Nobody cares. Listen, everybody knows I'm scared of bugs. If you didn't know I was scared of bugs, then you know now. Not a regular fear of bugs, a debilitating like see a bug and then admittedly in the arms of an aim, you just died. That's me immediately when it comes to bugs. Here I am, sick, sick, seven days in. I don't remember y'all. It was a haze. I can't remember what happened. All I know is that I cough so much. I cough so much, y'all, a little bit of pee came out. Like I'm I'm just gonna be honest. If we're not gonna be transparent, I cough so hard I peed on myself. That is already a horrible story, but you think the story's over? No, that's the best part of the story. What kind of story happens where the best part of the story is that you're groaning, you're pissed yourself? That's the best part of the story. So, on top of me, sick as a dog by myself, getting up every day. I gotta change the sheets, I gotta lysole everything, I gotta put everything, clean everything so that I'm not laying in my own sick. I had the audacity to cough so hard I pissed myself. So now I'm in my third shower of the day. I get out the shower already. I sound like this. I got the low kind of jada kiss voice. It's terrible. I come out and I sit at my dining room table. Well, first I went to the kitchen. So I so you gotta pass the living room to get to the kitchen. I passed the living room, everything seemed, everything was fine. I go into the kitchen, I come right back out. Y'all, I promise you, it's like somebody dropped it there. There was a big, huge spider in the middle of the living room. Now, I could have instantly died because that's probably what have happened under normal circumstances. But being that I was in this drug-induced haze, I hadn't slept in days, I felt I felt a little bit emboldened. So I went and I got a spray bottle of bleach, and I was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, this spider don't even know what's about to happen to it because I'm about to this spider up in here. I sprayed the spider. I was like, yeah, yeah, you see that? Spray, spray, spray, spray. The spider starts to run from the spray. And y'all, it started popping out a whole bunch of spider babies out his butt. Like just spider babies. They just started running all over the living room. I'm screaming, I'm crying, I'm spraying bleach. This I'm dying from inhaling the bleach. I ain't been able to smell all week, but now all of a sudden the bleach done opened up my nasal passages and I can smell all the bleach. You know what I smell? Bleach and death. Death because I'm spraying and killing all these spider babies. And this heifer put up a fight. She may as well have been a damn white woman from a lifetime, not without my daughter movie, because she was making me chase her all around the living room. I had to kick the couch into the middle of the floor because she ran under the couch. I can't let her stay there because what'll happen? She'll come out in the middle of the night and kill me in my mind. So I literally am spraying the spider with all this bleach. She ran back under the couch all the way around. She's still spitting out spider babies. And finally, after thinking that my house was a hospital and that she was in there to give birth, the spider finally died, as did her dozens and dozens and dozens of dead spider babies all over my living room. Now, y'all think it's the end of the story? It's almost the end of the story because the next part of the story, the final part of the story is who gonna clean this up? Who gonna clean this up? Because not me. I can't clean it up. So what I did, I did the only thing that I could think to do in a sleep-deprived, drug-induced haze. I open all the doors, I open the front doors, I open the back door where the pool is, I open all the doors, leave the doors open. Why? I don't know, y'all. Nothing made sense. I opened all the doors to let some air, maybe, and ventilation in because it was all this bleach in the house. And then I ran in the room and I locked the door. Because, you know, spiders have arms, I guess, and they were gonna come in. I don't know. I don't know. What I don't need is your judgment. And then I called my family and cried. And then my aunt, who is a G, drove all the way to my house. And she could get right in because all the doors were open, and she cleaned up all the dead spider babies and the dead spider from the middle of my living room floor. I'm provoked, y'all. I'm provoked. I'm already sick. I got pink eye and 11 eyes. I'm sick. Why? Why? Why, devil? Why would you send this spider to give birth in the middle of my living room? It was too much. It was too much. So that's the end of story time number one. I almost didn't make it, y'all, but I'm here. I'm here. I need a minute to pull and pose myself before we get to the second story. What we're gonna do is we're gonna jump right back into back in rotation. Being that after the spider birth, I could have died. That could have ended me, y'all. I was almost to the end. We this week's back in rotation is gonna be I wanna thank you by Lise and Myers because I want to thank the Lord that I made it and that I'm still here and the spiders didn't take me out. Enjoy. Shout out to Come Damn. Oh my goodness, shout out to Alicia Myers fire. And I had to stop myself because we'd have played the whole song. It's bad enough I shouldn't be playing none of it. I almost played all of it. So, all right, y'all. I feel a little bit better. I feel a little bit renewed, ready for story time number two. And if you thought story time number one was a doozy, oh, story time number two gonna piss you off just like it pissed me off. So buckle up, cuz here we go. I'm provoked. Now, for those of you who may not have heard about Michael B. Jordan's incident that happened at the BAFTAs, at this point, everyone should have heard, but let's just pretend you haven't heard. Michael B. Jordan um and Delroy Lindo was at the BAFTAs, which is the British uh Association of Film and Television, or British Something Film Television Association. Basically, it's like the British Oscars, right? So Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo were on stage uh accepting their award for Sinners as they should. You know what? Round of applause for Sinners. Round of applause for Sinners because all the awards, all the awards are just not enough. What a beautiful, beautiful cinematic, cinematic story. They're on stage getting their award. In the audience, was a gentleman, I ain't even gonna say his name because his name doesn't deserve to be said. Gentleman in the audience who has Tourette's. Um, and he was he won an award for a documentary that he was in about Tourette's. So initially, I'm on my way to work. I'm listening to one of my favorite podcasts. Shout out to the Reed, Kid Fury and Crystal. I'm listening, and this is how I heard about this Michael B. Jordan Bath story. As I'm listening to a driving to work, um, I'm getting emotional because what ended up happening is as they were on stage, this gentleman with Tourette's proceeded to yell out, nigger, nigger, nigger. That's right. I'm not bleeping it out. I need you to hear it, nigger, at Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo accepting his award. Now, as if that is not upsetting enough, I'm listening and I'm like getting upset as I'm driving into work. And I was like, you know, listening to their commentary on it, and I felt myself getting choked up, and I was like, I'm not about to cry, I'm going to work. It is 6:45 in the morning. I will not cry at 6.45 in the morning about racism because I got the whole rest of my day to deal with the racism at my damn job. So I'm pulling in, I held it all the way together. But as I'm pulling in the parking lot, the host says, and Michael B. Jordan's parents were inconsolable. His mom was inconsolable. She was just crying in uncontrollably about what happened to her son. And that's when I don't know why it triggered, but I immediately stopped boo-hoos not crying, parking in the parking spot. Then I'm mad at myself because I'm crying. I'm trying to get myself together before I go into work. Fast forward a couple of hours. Now, this is all the information that I had known at the time. I did not know the remainder of the information that I'm gonna tell you that I found out. So I'm in class. Uh you already know I have two people who work in my pet in my classroom. Um, one of which is a very big red hat wearing Make America racist. I'm sorry, make America great racist. Again, listen, she is great at her job. Those are her beliefs. I a lot of things get said a lot of the time, but most of the time, there's so much stuff that I could bring to this pod, but I keep it off the pod. This one gotta come to the pod. She gotta come to the front of the classroom for this. So we start talking about. I didn't just so I just so you guys know, yes, I brought it up, but it was um piggybacking off of something they were already talking about. So they were already talking about something political and controversial of whatever was happening. And I said, Oh my god, yeah, exactly like the thing that happened with Michael B. Jordan and the Baths. And they were like, Well, what happened? And so I gave them the information that I just gave you. A man with Tourette's, he called Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo the NI, the N-word, you know, as they went up to get the award with no additional count, with no additional information, she immediately says, Um, I mean, nobody wants to be called the N-word, and I get it, but I mean, it would be like if one of these kids in here, one of our students, called you the N-word. I mean, are you gonna get upset about that? Like, they have special needs. Like, are you gonna get upset about that? And at this point, it is just the word, when are people gonna get over it? Yeah, y'all heard me. I mean, it's just the word, when are people going to get over it? You ass mother racist girl, I will what did you say? So then she says, I mean, so I immediately cut my pros. I said, What? And she said, You heard me. I mean, like, would you be upset if one of our students called? Yes, yep, and would, yep. Not only would I be upset, but it would be their last day in my class. I mean, really? She says, Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding you. It would be their last day in my class because the issue isn't just the fact that they said it, it's the issue that they knew exactly who to say it to and in what context, because I'm the only black person that works in here. So the issue is not necessarily with the child, but the issue is with their parents. And them and their parents got to get the entire out of my classroom. And I meant that. So then she's like, I mean, I get it. Like, I get it. First of all, Shorty, no, you don't. You don't get nothing. No, you don't. You don't get nothing based on what you said. So then she's like, but I mean, with him having special needs, I said, nobody said he has special needs. So now you're making up stuff. He has Tourette's. Now, I am compassionate to anybody that has any kind of, you know, uh, I don't know if Tourette's considered, I tourette is not really considered a disability, but I don't know. I'm not a specialist on Tourette's. What I said to her next was in my mind, Tourette's is like if every bit of your worst uh, you know, intrusive thoughts came out of your mouth all the time. And I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Imagine seeing somebody who you don't think is attractive, and then as soon as you see them, you call them an ugly ass mother. That would be terrible, right? So that's what Tourette's is to me. When you the worst things that you could say come to your mind and then they come out of your mouth. But he's by no means disabled. So as we start doing more research, because now I'm like, well, let's see what happened. Let me show you what he looks like. This is a grown-ass man, you know, let's talk about it more. I then see that this man expressed concern about being there in the first place because of his Tourette's high pressure and high stress situation causes his Tourette's to be even worse. And he has the worst kinds of Tourette's that cause him to say the most horrible things. And so he was concerned about that. Also, they sat him right close to the front. They sat him in front of a microphone. Um, and so she says, Well, then this is all BAFTA's fault, you know. And and also to add context, BAFTA allowed this to air even though they were on a two-hour delay. And it aired live, even though they could have cut it out. Now they didn't have any issue cutting out other things like people saying Free Palestine and all the other stuff. They managed to cut those things out, but they did not cut out this white man calling those two brilliant actors niggas on stage in their moment. And 10 minutes later, when that beautiful chocolate goddess from Sinners got up to get her award, he called her a nigga too. Uh so a lot of things, a lot of things is happening here because why wasn't he removed? Why doesn't he have a handler? Why the first time he called people niggas, he wasn't embarrassed and he got up and walked out. So it's a lot of things that I didn't like, but I mostly didn't like the connotation of it is just the word, when are people just going to get over it? So then I say to her, Well, you are a sports mom. You spend tens of thousands of dollars a year paying for your children to play sports. And like when I tell you she's a sports mom seven days a week, she all in. She sports every day. One does baseball, one does gymnastics. This lady literally only works to pay for sports for her kids. They're all in. So I say to her, Well, what happens if all the tens of thousands of dollars and thousands of hours that you've spent, your son is at the Olympics, and he gets up to accept this gold uh medal for being on the rings, and you're watching him stand up there and you're thinking about all the sacrifices you've made, you and your husband, and all the times you worked tirelessly to just have enough money to send him to special camps and all the thousands of hours and all the injuries he's probably had, you know, everything to get to this one moment. And then when he stepped up on that stage and they put that gold medal around his neck, somebody yelled out, faggot from the audience. Faggot, faggot, faggot. How would you feel? Now, maybe I was out of pocket. I mean, her son's like eight. I don't know if he's gay, I don't know what his life looks like, but I'm just saying, I said to her, How would you feel about that? And then she says, Oh, well, yeah, I get it. Oh, you get that. You you get that. And I said to her, you know, that is a moment that he can never get back. It doesn't matter that this man has Tourette's because two things can be true. One, I don't know if anybody told you, but you could have Tourette's and still be a racist. And even if he's not a racist, you can still have Tourette's and cause unintentional harm. If you kill someone unintentionally, you still go to jail. So when you harm someone unintentionally, you still owe that person an apology. And to date, this man still has not apologized. Now, I don't know if he doesn't feel like he needs to apologize uh because he has Tourette's, or maybe he doesn't feel like he needs to apologize because they put him in a situation that he was doomed to. Fail. I don't know what the reasons are, but it's just like if you're on a plane and your baby screams for two and a half hours, you still apologize. It you know, it's not your fault your baby screamed, but you still should be considerate of those that then didn't enjoy their flight because your baby screamed the whole time. So, yeah, unprovoked. I don't understand. All I was doing was just minding my black business in my classroom. In my classroom, I am the teacher in there. In my classroom, how dare you? You thought because it wasn't Black History Month anymore that you can come in and tell me that I need to get over nigga and the fact that it's just the word, I should get over it, right? So if I start calling you crack ass cracker, you shouldn't have a problem with it because it's a word, right? If I call you racist ass as mother, you should just get over it because they're just words, right? But you know that that's not true. She knew that that wasn't true when she said it, but in her mind, nobody cares about black pain. Nobody cares about the fact that these two black men at the top of their game handled it perfectly. They were, of course, noticeably shaken, but they continue with their speech and they kept it pushing. But nobody cares. Still, nobody cares. But it's okay, y'all, because she got another job. So shout out to her, good luck to her. You know, thoughts and prayers. Moving right. Why everybody wants me to be fired? Why? Why she wanted me to get up and flip over, flip over my desk like the Hulk. Why? Why? Nobody wants me to be, they don't want me to be great. But it's okay. It's okay. We're gonna calm down. We're not gonna let that ruin the pod. We're gonna move right along. And you know what I need you to do? I need y'all to take a deep breath. Light that incense. Pick your afro and settle in because it's time for a moment in blackness.

SPEAKER_03 24:14

Today's moment in blackness.

SPEAKER_06 24:33

Calm down. I know you love black people. I know. Calm down. All right. So today's moment in blackness is a very strategic pick. It has to do with the topic that we're gonna talk about later. But today we honor the legendary Earth Kit. For those of you who don't know Earth Kit, and you're like, wait, that name sounds familiar. If you've ever seen Boomerang, that's Mr. Miss Marcus. I don't have any panties on. In case you don't remember who she is. That's for the younger people. But to older people, everybody knows that Eartha Kit was a woman whose talent, intelligence, and her presence made her one of the most fascinating entertainers of the 20th century. She was a singer, an actress, a dancer, and an activist. And she was famous for like six decades. We know that in Hollywood, you get six seconds and that's it. But for six decades, Eartha Kit was still killing them. She kind of rose to international fame in the 50s. She had a very distinct voice. I'm sure anybody who knows who Eartha Kit is can hear that voice in their head right now. And she was multilingual. So she sung songs in a bunch of different languages. So shout out to the multilingual girlies and men out there. Um she kind of became an activist in 1968 during the Vietnam War. She got invited to a luncheon at the White House. And black people, we always gotta be the ones to say it. She kind of spoke out about the war and the way that it was affecting young people and how it was gonna affect their future. And whatever she said pissed these people off so much that she immediately got blacklisted from the United States. Um, but instead of, you know, her being like, oh no, my career's over, what I'm gonna do, she was like, Don't worry, got you, heard you, and she picked up and just kind of went international and she was able to build an even stronger global career. So this lady, she was so tiny. If you look up Earth of Kid, she's such a tiny little lady to be so strong in voice and in the way that she moves, but she moved through the world with a confidence that you know, black women always have to carry when they're moving around the entertainment industry. And she was not gonna dim her personality, she was not gonna soften her voice, it wasn't an option to kind of dilute her presence to make anybody else feel comfortable. Eartha Kit was like, this is me, this is black excellence, and it is what it is. Um, she lived boldly, she spoke honestly, and she just embraced her individuality in a way that inspired so many generations of artists and thinkers. So today, Miss Kit, we honor and we appreciate you. Hello, hello, and come up to Miss Kid. See, we're moving right along. I told y'all I wasn't gonna keep y'all all day. Just because I've been gone doesn't mean that y'all gotta be here for five hours. So I want y'all to go ahead and stretch. Get your calves ready, prepare both your heels and your toes for the heel toe because you already know what's coming in.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

Oh, we said everybody's gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_06 28:47

Okay, y'all. So today's topic is one that I kind of went back and forth with, and not back and forth as in I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it as a topic, but back and forth as in I wasn't a hundred percent sure how I felt about it. Um, sorry, wasn't a hundred percent sure how I felt about it, but I wanted to kind of bring it to you guys because sometimes you guys will write in letters and call me about it, and maybe it'll help me form a better concrete idea. Because if I always wait till my ideas are concrete on the pod, we would never have a pod. We we would never have a pod. So today's topic is love is a compliment and not a requirement. I got an email, unprovoked, from a woman that I follow. Her name is Shan, and she was talking about a word that she um made up. She was interviewing Melissa Ford, and she went to ask Melissa Ford a question about, you know, they were talking about a bunch of stuff, but she says to her, So, I mean, you've never been married and you don't have any kids. Like, how do you feel about that? Are you planning to? And so she says that she felt embarrassed the minute she asked it because that's not a question that they usually ask to men. When men haven't been married um and don't have any children, usually in an interview they're not like, Oh, you've never been married and you don't have any kids. Are you gonna do something about that? And so, you know, Melissa Ford just kind of went on to tell her that she's, you know, that's not in the cards for her, obviously. And she said, most people try to come to my rescue when I say that, but why would I need to be rescued from my dream life? And so I'm gonna read you the stuff that Shan said. She said, Over the past, Shan being the host, over the past decade, I've heard more and more successful women, straight women in particular, voice a frustration that feels both deeply personal and quietly widespread. They struggle to find a romantic partner who is equally yoked and or emotionally compatible of being with a woman whose life already has meaning and means. So she went on to say, see, I'm still a little bit sick, I'm not 100%, but she went on to say, um, where is it? After her conversation with Melissa Ford, she felt charged with the need to give language to this posture because women like Melissa Ford, Chelsea Hanler, Tracy Ellis Ross, Singer Maya, and Eartha Kitt, Octavia Butler, um, you know, are ended up being not married or not having children. So she said she needed a word to describe it because it isn't quite single, which implies seeking. So normally when people are single, they're looking for partnership, right? But it's not seeking. It's a stance that says, My life is whole and partnership is welcome only if it strengthens what already exists. So she said, Men already have a cultural term for this, the bachelor life. It describes someone fully capable of partnership, not lacking in options, but who chooses not to organize his life around securing it. So she said, I began researching historically sovereign women and dove into figures like Queen Nizingi, um, who protected her power rather than dilute it through marriage alliances, Eartha Kitt, who refused to tether herself to a man for the sake of security, Octavia Butler, who built a visionary life without centering on partnership, Josephine Baker, who lived expansively on her own terms, and Sora Juana Inez de la Cruz, who chose intellectual devotion over romantic obligation. She also started studied Queen Elizabeth, whose decision not to marry, was born from a lack of suitors, was not born from a lack of suitors, but from a clear understanding that marriage in her political context would have compromised her authority, which shifted power to her husband, and she felt like that was gonna destabilize the sovereignty of what she fought for, and so she chose to stay single. So Shan came up with this word and it's called Bething. And bething is a relationship status distinct from single or aromantic, and it describes someone who loves their life as it currently stands and is not willing to reorganize, shrink, or redefine it for the sake of romance. So basically, which means you are open to love, but only if it strengthens your existing ecosystem. A partnership is no longer a requirement, it is a complement. So if something expansive enters your life, beautiful, beautiful. And if not, your life remains whole. So it works particularly well in like a cultural moment where many women are more educated, financially stable, and emotionally literate than ever before. So women now earn the majority of college degrees in the United States, and in many cities, women under 40 earn on par or earn more than men. And women are also more likely to engage in therapy and self-development, while men report higher rates of loneliness and fewer close friendships on average. So, of course, these are trends and not absolutes, and there are extraordinary men everywhere. But it seems like the dating landscape has shifted, and the challenge is no longer simply finding a partner, but finding someone equally yoked emotionally, relationally, and economically. So Bething doesn't mean that you reject a partnership, it just means uh that it includes boundaries, so such as refusing to majorly restructure your schedule or your community for romance, uh, declining to prioritize partnership over sovereignty, and remaining open to connection without urgency to secure an outcome. So it's not anti-love, it's like a discernment. So it's like saying, Shan goes on to say, I really enjoy my life as it is, and I'm not looking to reorganize it around a relationship. So something grows between us that strengthens what I already have and what you already have, I'm open to exploring that. I'm not seeking partnership as a requirement, but only as a compliment because I've decided I would be happy with my life with or without a long-term romantic companion. Okay, so let's dive into this for a little bit. I get it, you know, I absolutely get it. If we're talking about just sheer numbers, right, and ratios, and I've been talking about this for a long time, there are simply just not enough. There are not enough eligible, um relational or location-based, even. I'll say location-based, uh, single people for everybody, because you know, you guys have all seen the numbers as far as if you're looking to date someone within your culture. So we're not talking about all men as a whole. We're talking about black men, black women. Let's just say you are 40, which someone had brought up to me the other day. It's crazy that people are 40 and 50 and 60 and still dating, right? It wasn't like that back in the days. You got married in your early 20s, you stayed married for 50, 60 years, but now um there's dating at all these different times in your life. Who do you even ask? You know, great grandma wasn't dating at 62. Like, you know, how do you even know what that looks like because that wasn't a thing that happened then? It's happening now because of all the things that Shan was talking about. You know, um, the eligible men just aren't available. There's not enough eligible single, unattached black men to go around with their equivalent for a woman. Um, and so it's kind of a radical idea because I know for me, right? I'm in my 40s, technically late 40s now. And even me not having children is always a thing. People are always like, you don't have kids? And it's the way they say it. I'm like, no, I don't have kids. Oh, okay. And then after that, they're like, okay, girl, well, shoo, I know that's good because kids can be tiring and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's like this kind of weird, oh, you don't have kids, as if uh not having kids is the craziest thing that could happen in your late 40s. And now it's the same kind of way with marriage, you know. Um, there are a lot of women who have accepted not being married uh and not being chosen and kind of accepted and have now stepped into this. Well, I don't need no man because I can, and I get it, and I get it. And this is why I kind of struggled with this topic because I genuinely don't believe that we are put on this planet to be alone. Now, companionship doesn't have to be a significant other. There are so many women who have created these great ecosystems of friends and family, um, women that are in sororities and their sorority sisters that created these great relationships with these other women. And so they don't necessarily feel a gap in their life where a significant other would be. And that's all fine and good, but I was thinking about things like okay, let's think about a Tracy Ellis Ross, right? Baddie. Tracy Ellis Ross is a baddie. And whoever says she's not, you're a liar. You're a liar because she's that bad. But she's also Diana Ross's daughter. She's also been rich her whole life. She also has a level of accessibility that the majority of us listening, uh, or the majority of y'all listening to this pod, myself included, don't have that same level of accessibility as Tracy Ellis Ross does. So she can choose to do best things. She can choose to be like, oh, well, I have a great life. I'm super rich. I travel this whole world um without any financial restrictions. I get to do what I love. And if someone comes along, I don't have to compromise. I don't have to bend. Because nine times out of ten, they are gonna bend and compromise for her. Even if they are famous, they're still gonna bend and compromise for her. Um, well, if she is more famous than them, I'll say that. So what happens if hold on for those of you who just said bless you, thank you. What happens when people kind of stop seeing partnership as a necessity and only see it as a bonus? And what does the world look like if everybody starts doing that? You know, we already know that there's a drastic decline in people having children. You know, I remember I worked with this girl a long time ago, it's probably a decade ago, and she was in her 20s and she was like, I'm never having kids. I don't want to have kids, I'm not interested in having kids, I'm good on that. There are so many people like that who are just like, our world is trash. It is a dumpster fire. I can barely afford to take care of myself. And if I made more money, I would want to spend it on me. So I don't want to have kids. Um, and I hear young people saying, I don't barely want to be here. Like being an adult is garbage. Now you want me to bring somebody else into it that I gotta take care of. So I get it and I understand, but what does that look like for humanity? What does that look like, you know, for the future? Um, you know, like going back to uh even going back to Earth AKit, when I was reading up on her, she's definitely somebody who understood like this whole independence and love. In an interview once, somebody asked her about compromising uh for a man, and she was like, Compromise for what? Uh she explained that a relationship should kind of be something that enhances your life and not something that requires you to kind of shrink who you are. But I don't get, you know, we always talk about two things could be true. Why do you have to shrink who you are to be in a relationship? Um and we talked about this before too on one of the earlier pods, the difference between compromise and sacrifice. I think it is such a fine line that a lot of times we start off compromising, and the next thing you know, you find yourself in a sacrifice. And sacrifice often leads to resentment, you know. Um, and I'm not saying that we're supposed to be anti-love, but if we talk about going back to the episode of Who Told You That? Come on, in every sitcom, there were very few sitcoms we watched where everybody was single and loving it, right? With the exception of like the golden girls, and they were old as hell. If we look at girlfriends, if we look at living single, everything is about the single and seeking. The entire time everyone is looking for a partner, you know. It kind of pushes the narrative very young that, yeah, we're not meant to be alone. You have to find somebody, you have to connect yourself with somebody. And if you don't, and if you can't, what does that say about you? You know, um what about the people who don't get chosen? What about the people who live their whole entire life and they just don't find someone? You know, does that mean that you failed at life? It doesn't matter. I don't know. I genuinely don't know. You know, even in fairy tales, right? The prince comes and saves the princess. You have your little happily ever after. You know, we have the American dream, you're supposed to be married and have two and a half kids and a white pink fence and an ugly little dog. Like, but what happens if that's just not your path? And I know I can speak for me. And please, I'm not saying that I want to be single. That's not what I'm saying for the rest of my life. What I'm saying is, um, I've done the marriage thing. It was alright, you know, and now that I'm doing the single peaceful thing, that's kinda right too. You know, um, I don't know, y'all. For those of you guys that and I'll ask something rhetorical for those of you guys that are already in a marriage or already in a relationship, do you find that you compromise a lot of who you are? Um Kind of on the border of sacrifice. And I'm talking to those who may have kids or may not have kids. Like, do you feel like you are being your full best authentic self in that marriage or in that long-term relationship? Are there things that you don't do? Are there things that you wish that you could do? Um and if so, do you feel resentful about that? Like, do you wonder, do you say to yourself, damn, I could be doing so much better by myself? Or if I was on my own, I'd be able to, you know, do all of these things without having to bring somebody along with me, or without having to hear somebody's uh input on it, or somebody's feedbook on feedback on it? You know, there's a level of anonymity that you give up when you're in a relationship. So I guess the another question would be does your life feel complete with that person? If you didn't have that person, would your life feel incomplete? And do you guys reorganize your entire lives for love? I don't know. And should you should somebody change their entire lifestyle for a partner? Like, I remember speaking of girlfriends, remember when I don't know if that's Liz or what? Was that Regine from Living Single? I'm trying to remember what sitcom it was, where every time she found a significant other, she was always doing whatever they was doing. So if she found somebody who skis, all of a sudden she skis. And if she found somebody that does yoga, all of a sudden she does yoga, you know. Um, are you supposed to? And I'm not saying that you shouldn't engage in the things that your partner likes, but should you shift your entire identity to be with someone else? And how is compromise different from shrinking? And how much adjustment is healthy in a relationship? I know those were a lot of questions, but these are this is the reason why I said I wasn't sure how I felt about this. Because listen, being single is all fine and good, but if you're sick, as somebody who was just sick for 11 days and had to take care of themselves, it was not hot. Listen, after that spider had her spider abortions all over my floor, I said, oh, okay, I'm going down to the Home Depot and I'm about to find Pablito and we're about to get married because he got to come in here and kill these spiders. Because the way that this taking out my own trash, carrying uh cases of water and killing pregnant spiders is set up, that ain't what the Lord has for me. Like, that ain't what the Lord has for me. But if you are a woman who is a feminist, as I am not, yeah, that's right. You can say whatever you want, you can judge me however you want. I am not, nor have I ever been a feminist. I do not care to do any of the things that niggas do. I don't want to fix my own car. I don't want to when women be like, anything that a man can do, I can do. Bitch, why? Excuse my language. Why? Why do you want to do all those things that he can do? I don't want to learn how to put a carburetor in. I don't even want to take out my own trash. I don't want to do it. I, you know, Joe Scott has a song, um, what's just uh I need you, right? Where she says, I can kill the spider above my bed. Um, I can stain in polyurethane, I can do all of these things, but I still need you. That's how I feel. I can do those things. I do. I do take out my trash. I did have to kill this pregnant spider. I do have to carry in cases of water. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. And why do y'all want to do it? Can I speak to the women who are super independent and feminist? I'm gonna need y'all to email into the show because I have no freaking idea why you want to do any of those things. If it is between washing the car, killing this pregnant spider, taking out the trash, carrying in 67 and a half cases of water, and washing clothes and cooking, sign me up. Sign me up for scrambling the eggs and putting them clothes in the washing machine. I don't want to do any of those things. But I guess Bethany for the regular people. Because now that I think about it, it's all coming to me. Chase the Ellis Ross and Earth the Kit and all these other rich people, they didn't have to do any of those things. They can really pay somebody to do any of those things. Yeah, that's what it is. If y'all are listening right now and you were like, you know what, that's me, because I make my own money and I can take care of myself and I don't need no man. I hope you make enough money to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Because guess what? If that's the kind of money you make and your money long, and you can pay somebody to do all the things that you don't want to do, then at the end of the day, I guess you don't need anybody. I guess you don't. And hey, if that's what you love, I love that for you. You know, um, that kind of also makes me think about is dating failing because people are just selfish? You know, are people getting more and more selfish? Where, like, you know, men are like, nah, I'm good on shorty because shorty's be wanting me to take them out to dinner and pay their bills. Nah, I'm good. Um, what did that guy say? Um, who was that? Uh, Kevin Samuels, Kevin Samuels, and even Joe Button said that a lot of men, uh, you know, high-quality men or high-earning men pay for sex because dating is nothing but prostitution anyway. So they would rather just pay for sex because then they get what they want. There's it's transactional and it's done, and you know, none of the fluff of pretending that we like each other. Just give me what I want, and you get what you want, you keep it pushing. So are people like is dating failing because people are selfish, or because people are really finally becoming self-aware? Is it men being like, well, my life is great without this woman. Every once in a while, I need this physical thing, I'll pay for it and keep it pushing. And women, the same type of thing, you know. Um because it's hard out there, it's hard to find emotional compatibility, lifestyle compatibility, um, to be in a relationship and still hold on to your autonomy. A lot of those things are really difficult. Um and maybe people aren't necessarily rejecting love as much as they're just rejecting the structure that comes along with it. You know, you know, like how a lot of men back in the days, they didn't want to get married because then they considered it like a ball and chain. You know, oh, I'm married, now I got the old ball and chain. But now the women are doing so well, maybe they feel like the man is the ball and chain. You know, maybe they feel like they're living this great life and having somebody that they got to answer to and share their location with and tell that person where they are all the time is, you know, infringing on their autonomy and maybe they don't want to do it. And maybe they don't want to settle. You know, we all know, nobody's stupid. We all know that marriages stayed together back in those days, not because they were necessarily happy. Most of the men were abusive emotionally, they or if or physically, they had kids sprinkled and scattered all around town. You know, we we quick to be like, Grandma and grandpa stayed together for 50 years. Yeah, but did you know the in and outs of their terrible marriage? You probably didn't. If you did, you probably would have told grandmother she should have left three years after she married that dude. Um, because we were too young to know the ins and outs of the complexities of marriage. Um, so maybe people are less willing to settle, uh, and more aware of like the emotional labor that relationships take. And maybe people just have a greater desire for peace than companionship. Because that's the vibe I'm on. Listen, I am all open to anyone who is going to add to and further enhance the peace that I already experienced. But I know I have a much greater desire for peace. I have a zero tolerance for drama and chaos because let me be quiet. Y'all hear how quiet is in here? Listen.

unknown 52:28

You hear that, you hear that quiet, you hear that peace.

SPEAKER_06 52:32

Yeah, I'm not willing to compromise that. So um, I don't know. Just something for us to think about and talk about. I am so glad to be back. This is episode nine. We have episode 10, 11, and 12, which are gonna be the last three of a season. Hey, y'all, I made a season, y'all. Look at me with a season. I got like a whole season of stuff. I be making seasons and stuff. But anyway, um, thank y'all so much for listening in. Um let me just do a little wrap-up. Let's uh cuddle all in. Let's all cuddle into Coco's Corner. Um, and so sometimes we think independence means rejecting love, but that's not really the point. The point is self-possession, knowing who you are, what you value, and what kind of life you want to build for yourself. So the idea of Bething just kind of reminds us that a partner should not be the foundation of your life, they should just be a beautiful addition to it. If they bring more drama than they were, peace of mind is priceless. You gotta ask yourself if the juice is worth the squeeze. And if love arrives in a way that expands your world, then that's wonderful. But if it doesn't, your life doesn't suddenly become less meaningful if you're doing that journey by yourself, whether that be temporarily or long term. We were taught that fulfillment lives at the end of every romantic story, but fulfillment really should be something that we're building inside of ourselves first. So it should be like love is welcome, but wholeness is not negotiable. You should be whole before you start introducing people into your life. Um, I you know, I'm a big podcast listener, and in another pod, I heard someone say, I had to write it down. They said, well, he said, he is married. Let me find his quote because I wrote it down. I was like, oh, I got to say this and bring this up in my own pod. He said, Marriage is when two people get together to heal their inner child. And that was another thing that I was like, I don't know how I feel about that. Because shouldn't you be healing before you even get married? And I'm not trying to say that you can heal everything, but you should be doing the work, you know. As uh my homie said the other day, you bleed on people who didn't actually cut you if you are out here not healed, getting into one relationship after the next relationship, because now you have to deal with that other person's drama and that other person's healing when they should have been doing that before they even got with you. Thank y'all so much for listening. I am so glad to be back. Uh, send all emails to coco culture podcast at gmail.com. If you went to public school like me, that is C-O-C-O-A, C-U-L-T-U-R-E, P-O-D-C-A-S-T, Coco Culture Podcast at gmail.com. Write in. Let me know how you feel about the topic or if you want to speak on uh nigga just being a word and how we should all get over it. Feel free to write in. Also keep in mind that all the music that you hear on the pod is on a playlist called the Culture Keepers Collective. Um, it is updated weekly with our new songs. And if you want that, just definitely hit me up and I can tell you where to get that. As we close out, have a wonderful week. Remember to be kind to yourself, be kind to each other, and most importantly, be intentional with your piece. Today's deep cut goes right along with what we are talking about. It is one of my favorites by Drake. Um, and uh the chorus is I don't need you, but I want you. So here is From Time by Drake featuring Janae Eiko. Have a great week and be safe, y'all.

SPEAKER_01 56:57

Been a minute since we kicked it, you've been caught up with them bitches. I don't get it, you're a star love. You shouldn't have to deal with that. I'll never make you feel like that. Cause I love me. I love me enough for the both of us. That's why you trust me. I know you've been through more than most of us. So what are you? What are you? What are you so afraid of? You give, but you cannot take love.

SPEAKER_00 57:55

Yeah. I needed to hear that shit. I hate when you're submissive. Passive, aggressive when my textin', I feel the distance. I look around the peers that surround me, these niggas trippin'. I like my money makes a difference, but don't make you different. Started realizing a couple places I could take it. I wanna get back to when I was that kid in the basement. I wanna take it deeper than money, pussy, vacation. An influence a generation that's lacking the patience. I've been dealing with my dad speaking a lack of patience. Just me and my old man getting back to basics. We've been talking about the future, the time that we wasted. When he put the bottle down, girl, that nigga's amazing. Well, fuck it, we had a couple coronas. We might have rolled a white paper, just something the holders. We even talk about you in our couple of moments. He said we should hash it out like a couple of grown-ups. You a flower child, my beautiful child, I'm in your zone. Looking like you came from the 70s on your own. My mother is 66. And a favorite line that hit me with this. Who the fuck wants to be seven in here alone? Y'all don't even know what you want from love anymore. I search for something, I'm missing and disappear when I'm bull, but girl. What qualities was I looking for before? Who you selling for? Who better for you than the boy? Uh huh.

SPEAKER_01 59:01

Love me, love the both of us.