The Advocate Podcast: Amplifying Voices. Challenging Systems. Prioritizing Children.

Gifted but Disengaged: The Truth Behind ‘Unmotivated’ Students

• Dr. Kristi N. Love • Season 1 • Episode 12

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 40:31

Send us Fan Mail

What if the students we label as “unmotivated” are actually the most misunderstood?

In this powerful episode of The Advocate Podcast, Dr. Kristi N. Love sits down with a guest whose story challenges one of the most common narratives in education. Identified as gifted but often disengaged, he struggled to meet traditional academic expectations, not because he lacked ability, but because the system didn’t align with how he experienced learning, responsibility, and motivation.

From unfinished homework and falling behind… to the influence of a father who demanded accountability… to ultimately finding discipline, structure, and purpose through the military, this conversation unpacks what it really means to grow into your potential.

Together, we explore:
 ✨ The difference between being unmotivated and being misunderstood
✨ Why academic success doesn’t always reflect true ability
✨ The role of parents in balancing accountability and support
✨ What educators often miss about students who don’t “perform”
✨ How discipline and direction can transform a life

This episode is a must-listen for educators, parents, and anyone who believes in seeing beyond labels and investing in what’s possible.

Because sometimes, the problem isn’t the student… it’s the narrative.

🎧 Tune in—and don’t forget to share with someone who needs this perspective.

Connect With Me

To submit a question or join my mailing list, use the information below.

SPEAKER_03

Welcome back to the Advocate Podcast, the space where we challenge narratives, shift mindsets, and amplify stories that deserve to be heard. I'm your host, Dr. Christy N. Love. And today's conversation is one I believe so many of us, educators, parents, and even students, will see ourselves in. We often hear labels like unmotivated, underachieving, or even wasted potential. But what if those labels don't tell the full story? What if what looks like a lack of motivation is actually a mismatch between a student and the system designed to measure them? Today, we're sitting down with a guest who was identified as gifted but struggled to stay engaged in school. Not because he lacked ability, but because the traditional expectations didn't align with how he experienced learning, discipline, and responsibility. From navigating those early challenges to the influence of a father who pushed him to prove himself to ultimately finding direction and discipline through the military, his journey is a powerful example of growth, resilience, and redefining success on your own terms. This conversation is for anyone who has ever been misunderstood. And for those responsible for seeing the potential in others. Let's go.

SPEAKER_00

Dr. Christy M. Lowe is an experienced educator and advocate dedicated to empowering students and families to experience qualities of education specialized and culture response, teaching, restorative practices, and social emotional learning. To the advocate podcast, to amplify voices, challenges an equitable system, and keeps children at the center of every conversation.

SPEAKER_03

Hello, Adam. How are you?

SPEAKER_02

I'm great, Christy. How are you?

SPEAKER_03

I am well. Welcome to the Advocate Podcast. Thank you for joining us today.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_03

No, I appreciate you. Will you please tell my listeners a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_02

Okay. So I am a uh retired veteran. I spent 25 years in the Air Force, and I'm now currently a student working on my bachelor's degree in information technology, working towards that second career. Um, originally from North Carolina, but I've been living in Georgia for almost four years now, and uh I'm a father of three beautiful daughters.

SPEAKER_03

Awesome. Thank you, sir, for your service.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you. I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_03

Well, I wanted to tell my audience why I invited you to participate in this interview. Um, while talking to Adam, he was telling his story and it sounded so familiar. It sounded like former students, it sounded like present students, it sounded like my sons, and I just knew that this would be a valuable conversation to have. So tell us, Adam, when you think back to your time in school, how would you describe yourself as a student?

SPEAKER_02

Well, I wasn't what I would call a good student. It wasn't that I had any behavioral problems, but a lot of times I was unmotivated when it came to academics. I enjoyed certain subjects like math and English, and they came kind of easy to me. But there were other subjects like science and social studies that I was not a big fan of. Um, I was okay in the classroom environment and I did learn, but my problem came when they assigned homework. Uh, part of me felt like that was my time once I got out of school, and I failed to do my homework. And that caused my grades to fail, fall. And sometimes I fell behind in class. And that was a pretty common theme throughout a lot of my school years. Um, I was intelligent enough to pass my classes, but um, I should have been getting much better grades if I had put forth more effort.

SPEAKER_03

So um, do you think your homework was necessary or do you feel like it was busy work for you? Did you need that to do well in class?

SPEAKER_02

Well, I feel like it was important because it should have been reinforcing what I was learning in class, but at the time I did feel like it was busy work and wasn't really motivated to do it.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, and as an educator, there are two sides or two schools of thought about homework. Some people feeling like yes, this is what is going to reinforce what is learned in school, and others feel like yes, that is their time. Um, and I will say that as a parent, that oftentimes the homework that was sent home was busy work for my child. And as a teacher, as educators, I think we need to um differentiate what a student needs, not just give blanket homework. And if it was challenging, I feel like you probably would have done it if it was something that really helped you. It may have motivated you to do it. I don't know. Okay, so um, even though your grades weren't the best, you were identified as gifted, but you said you struggled with motivation. How do you make sense of that now?

SPEAKER_02

Well, I always knew that I was uh somewhat intelligent. And I guess at the time I thought that that was enough. Um what I lacked though was the work that was required, and in some ways, you know, might have been more important than the knowledge. Um now I understand that how our lives unfold are often a result of the work we're willing to put in and the decisions we make, and not so much shaped by just how smart we are.

SPEAKER_03

Great point, great point. I like that. So the work ethic is um can be more important than actually being intelligent or smart.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03

So when you think, when you think back, do you feel like your abilities were truly nurtured or just identified?

SPEAKER_02

That's a great question. And I I feel like my abilities were identified and not nurtured. Um, I was labeled as uh talented and gifted when I was in school based on test scores or whatever other identifiers. But uh even in those classes, we were given us given assignments that that I didn't find challenging. They were kind of boring to me. And uh, I mean, I did find some satisfaction of being um put in those classes, but at the time that really wasn't enough to spark my motivation to do anything with it. I was really just there.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So I know um you were a student athlete, right? The first part of that is student. And so a lot of people assume that sports are enough to motivate students to do better in school, but that wasn't your experience, right? Um, can you talk about that a little bit?

SPEAKER_02

Uh yes, I was a uh basketball fanatic at that time in my life. And I really thought that my future was to be a professional basketball player, whether that was going to be the NBA or or somewhere else. Um I was a good basketball player, um, although I was undersized, and I thought that being good at basketball was all that really mattered. Um I do know that I did know that there were grade requirements and other things in order to uh play on the team. But at the time, in my mind, I thought I was good enough to where that stuff mattered a little bit less. I thought that my, you know, whatever skills I had on the basketball court would help me reach my goals uh either way. Um, and I didn't place enough importance on the hard work and sacrifice that it uh would take to get to the level that I wanted to reach. Um eventually I did learn that uh often hard work and dedication will take you farther than just raw talent. Um, and a lot of times a less talented player will have more success than a player with more talent, but uh but who is lazy or unmotivated. And I I can think of many stories in sports of players that had the ability to go pro but fell short because they weren't putting forth the hard work.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, and you know, as a basketball player myself and a coach, I can attest to that. And sometimes it's the work ethic on the court or with the basketball, you know, you have these players who are naturally talented, so they don't feel like they need to shoot extra free throws or they need to work on fundamentals, but then sometimes it's the work ethic in the classroom because I think you wanted to go to North Carolina, right? You went to be a Tar Hill. Yes. And I'm sure that the requirements on the academic end are pretty high for that D1 top-notch school.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, so the uh work ethic in academics was definitely necessary for you um to have to enter that institution.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely. And that's not something that I really prioritized back then.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah. So you've shared that your father stayed on you during high school. What did that look like and how did that impact you?

SPEAKER_02

Well, at the time, it created a little animosity because I felt like all he did was badger me about what I was, what I planned on doing with my life and the direction I was going. And I it wasn't his intent, but I took his words and his method as criticism. And instead of understanding that he was trying to push me to reach my potential, uh, after I graduated high school, I worked a minimum wage job for a while and was still living at home. But you know, at the time I wasn't paying any bills or anything like that. And I thought that because I was working, that that was enough, and there was no reason for him to be constantly on my back. But later on, as I matured, I understood that he was just trying to help me reach my potential. And I appreciated it even more once I became a father.

SPEAKER_03

I'm sure. I know my son, I know he'll he would probably say the same thing about me staying on him, but you know, as you know, as a parent, we're just trying to prepare them for life, right? Absolutely, absolutely um, so despite your disengagement in high school, you enrolled in community college. And um, you you told me that your father was like, I'm not getting financially involved with this until you proved to me that this is something that you really want. What was that experience like for you?

SPEAKER_02

Uh, he he told me that, and I think he knew that I was enrolling in school because I felt like that's something that I should do, not necessarily something that I wanted to do or or was committed to it. Um, he explained that if I if he saw that I was serious and I got good grades for a couple of semesters, then he would jump in and help out financially. And uh so I I kind of accepted that, but I don't think I fully grasped it at the time. And um he was correct because I did not, I was not serious. And it never got to the point where he helped financially because I only lasted a couple of semesters before dropping out. Um I remember thinking that college was like high school and that you know you were gonna be forced to attend classes and things like that. And once I realized that there was nobody to make sure I was going to class, it just went downhill from there. So now I completely understand him not wanting to put his money up uh for me to waste. And uh, if I had taken school seriously, he wouldn't have hesitated to help me out. But I that I wasn't ready for that yet in that point in my life.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I know I I tell my son, I am not paying for college because you have the abilities to earn a scholarship, whether it's academic or athletic, if you grind, you could get it. You're not leaving off my grinds. I tell them that.

SPEAKER_02

Right, I I get it.

SPEAKER_03

So um you go to the community college and you get out or you drop out and then you go to the military. What led you to join the military at 22, especially after initially not wanting that path? I know your dad suggested it to you early on, but you didn't really want to go down that path. So how did you end up there?

SPEAKER_02

Well, after dropping out of uh the community college, I went and got a full-time job. I moved out of the house with my parents and started paying bills. And after a few years of that, I realized that I wanted more. Um, I was making what I thought was okay money at the time, but you know, after paying rent and utilities and a car note, car insurance, I didn't have much left after afterward. So I was working full-time, basically just to pay, just to pay the bills with not not much extra. So um I started thinking about what else I wanted to do. And I had a good friend of mine at the time who kept talking about joining the the Air Force. And even though I was resistant to my dad suggesting that a few years prior, you know, paying the bills and being in that position started making me rethink it. So my friend did not have a vehicle at the time, and I would drive him to his appointments at the recruiter every other week. And I would sit in there while they did the drills and things like that. And uh I started talking to the recruiter and started seeing that uh what was available to me, and it made me decide to uh to go in. Um, I saw that as a way to gain skills, pay, and benefits while I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, yeah, so real life happened.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly. Real bills, like life started lifeing.

SPEAKER_03

Exactly. Well, you know, I was a good student in school, um, but I tell my sons all the time, if I knew then what I know now, I would have gone to the Air Force and pursued education through that route. Um, so I man wished, I still wish I would have gone that route. So at what point did it shift from being um just a job or a placeholder until you found out what you really wanted to do to being a career, to becoming a career for you?

SPEAKER_02

So initially I enlisted for four years, and I went in with the mindset that I was gonna go in, do my four years, collect whatever benefits I could collect in those four years, and get out. So I joined, you know, I was assigned to a base in New Mexico for 15 months, and then I went to Japan for two years and finished out my four years, my first four years uh in Japan. And I was intending on getting out after that four years, but by this point I had my oldest daughter. She was, you know, she was about two years old, and I knew I had to take care of her. So I started thinking, I'm like, okay, if I could, if I get out right now, what kind of a job am I gonna get? And at the time I didn't have a degree. I was trained in the job that, you know, repairing aircraft, but I don't, that's not something I wanted to do with the rest of my life. So I figured if I got out, I would probably go back home to North Carolina. And with the skills that I had, I was like, I don't, you know, I don't want to continue to do that job. So I'll probably get out and probably not make too much money, but now I have a kid to support. So my priorities had had changed at that point. And I wanted to make sure I I was able to take care of my little girl and and and so I applied to change jobs in the Air Force to get retrained into a new career. And that got approved, so I decided to stay and I re-enlisted for another six years. And uh again, the the benefits were good, the pay was pretty good, and um I did get a little bit of a re-enlistment bonus, and that took me to about 10 years in once I got done with that enlistment. So once I hit 10 years, I knew I was about halfway to 20 years on a pension.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, so military, I think discipline with military, and you not necessarily being disciplined with your school work. So you went from struggling with direction to building a disciplined career. What changed?

SPEAKER_02

I think it took a while for me to actually buy into the military and the uh opportunities that were there. Um, but once I did that, um, I started just soaking up the leadership opportunities that were present. Um, prior to that, for me, the military was just a job. It was just a way to pay my bills. But there's a lot of ways to grow and flourish if you are motivated to do so. And I think it took me quite a few years, maybe about half my career, when I decided to shift my mindset and commit to that commitment and growth.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, so you're saying it was a mindset shift.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, yes. Once I was really committed to doing the 20, I decided to just make the best out of it and take advantage of everything it had to offer. And they really pushed leadership and things like that, mentorship and things like that. And I just, I guess I kind of committed to it since I knew I was staying in for the long haul and wanted to make the best of it.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, awesome. And so now you're back in school, you're now pursuing an IT degree after retiring from the military. What inspired that decision?

SPEAKER_02

Well, the last part of my military career, I was in pharmacy. And my intention was to go to pharmacy school after I retired. And uh, what changed my mind was were changes within the pharmacy career field that made it a little less desirable. But uh going through the pandemic in my last couple of years also highlighted for me the benefit of being able to work remotely. So um within pharmacy, I had done a little IT work uh related to pharmacy while I was in the military, and there was some interest there. And it helped me to uh make the decision to shift and uh pursue that secondary. Career in IT.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, so I know for you in high school and younger that grades weren't that important. We discussed that. How does your approach to learning now differ from when you were younger?

SPEAKER_02

Well, when I was younger, I was only really ever exposed to the whatever type of learning was presented to me. But over the years, uh I've been taught that people can learn and absorb information and knowledge in many different ways. And I've learned that there's not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all approach to education. And I think if I had had the ed, uh if I had educators that really took an active interest and challenged me in different ways, I think that would have had a big impact on me.

SPEAKER_03

I wonder how much of your experience was based on biases or, you know, oh, you know, this is a typical boy, you know, a typical boy's behavior. And then attention wasn't given to why you, even though you were gifted, weren't engaged in the activities, you know, that really interests me. So do you ever reflect on things, on how things might have been different if you had this mindset shift earlier?

SPEAKER_02

Uh yes, I I think about that often. Um, I believe that I had the ability to be a straight A student growing up. Um, my parents told me that all the time, too. But there was something that was that was missing, whether it be you know internal or external, that that didn't drive me to do that. Um and I'm I'm happy with my life now, but I know that the path that I took may have been a little bit easier if I had adopted a different mindset earlier on. Um, some of the paths that I took in life were probably a little bit more difficult than they had to be. And um I know that it wasn't a lack of ability, but it was a lack of motivation or drive or focus.

SPEAKER_03

Oh my goodness, when I tell you that that story, that what you just said resounds. I can think of students, but I think of my sons and all their intelligence and oh how it frustrates me that I know it would be easier, guys, if you just put in the effort right now. Just put the effort in right now. Um, but yes, that's why I know that this interview is going to touch um parents and teachers and community members in a way so that they can have this inside view of someone who is this kid in class like that is frustrating you, or this kid in your house that's frustrating you. And it gives us hope because we're like, okay, he's a successful guy, and he eventually went to college, you know, um, and found his way. So, yes, I really appreciate you being here.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, I I my parents probably felt the same way. I don't think I realized it back then, but it was probably some of those feelings as well.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah. So when you look at young people today who are labeled unmotivated, what do you see that others might be missing?

SPEAKER_02

I think that when young people are labeled as unmotivated, there's often something else that's going on. Um, sometimes it could be a mismatch of what actually motivates them and what's being used to motivate them. Some are possibly not challenged in the right way. And uh, as I mentioned earlier, I remember feeling like some of my assignments were just kind of busy work, and I just really wasn't interested in doing that. Um, I didn't have an aversion of learning. I actually like to learn, especially subjects that I was interested in. But I believe that many of the methods at the time just didn't interest me. And so what others might be missing is that underneath that unmotivated label, sometimes there's curiosity, capability, ambition, but it needs the right environment and structure to show up.

SPEAKER_03

Beautiful, beautiful, perfectly stated. So, for the parents who are listening, how do you balance holding your child accountable while also supporting them?

SPEAKER_02

I think it's about doing both at the same time. You know, you you have to um keep expectations clear while staying supportive at the same time. Um, you know, standards like schoolwork and responsibility still need to get done. But if they're struggling, don't jump straight to punishment. You start by asking, you know, asking them what's going on to understand the real issue, help them break down tasks, make a plan, and learn how to push through. Um it can be you can kind of think of it as coaching and not just correcting. Um you still follow through if things don't get done, but stay calm and consistent. Um I do remember an experience when I was in the eighth grade. And again, my grades weren't the best. And I guess at that time my father decided to, I guess, get more involved in my schoolwork and I guess trying to help, you know, motivate me and stuff. And I remember for a semester, he would, after school, I would have to sit down with him and go over my schoolwork and the assignments, and he would look over it and all of that stuff. And initially, I didn't like it because I felt like he was kind of micromanaging or whatever. And but over the course of that semester, I realized that I was grasping the information, I was actually putting forth more effort, and my grades improved. And I I want to say that semester I got all A's and B's. And um, I was I was actually proud of myself. But it didn't last. I guess he kind of went back into his normal routine of working and stuff like that, and we stopped having that one-on-one time after uh after school, and I kind of slipped back into my old ways and the grades fell again. So I think had that been a constant thing, you know, may and it may have not had to be a constant thing forever, but I think that extra attention and focus on my schoolwork helped me help motivate me for that for that period of time. And had that continued, or had I grasped on and didn't need that anymore, then uh things may have been a little bit different.

SPEAKER_03

And what you said made you perfect for the Advocate Podcast. Um, over and over, I preach about supporting kids, supporting them in with their behavior, teaching them um skills, modeling the behavior we want to see, supporting them in academic support. Like these are children who need support. You were a child who needed support, not abandonment, not you know, the same old, same old asking, you said, uh, what's going on with the kid, not what's wrong with the kid. You know what I'm saying? Like what is going on around, you know, like investing, investigating, you know, why the lack of motivation. Another thing you said that is straight, I think you've been listening to my podcast, sir, that is straight the advocate podcast, is the you know, not going straight to punishment, right? Like, I don't I don't know why we feel like punishment is a motivator, but not going straight to punishment. Let's try supporting first. And you gave the perfect example when your father provided that support, how you had positive results. Great job, great story. So, what would you say to educators who have students like you in their classrooms right now?

SPEAKER_02

Um, I would say uh not to assume that a lack of effort means a lack of ability or a lack of care. Um, some students who appear to be disengaged could be bored, um, overwhelmed, or not sure where to start or which direction to go. Um, obviously you have to, you know, they have a job to do and you have to keep expectations clear, but I think it's important to take a moment to understand what's behind the behavior or the um lack of motivation. Um thinking back when I was younger, I I can't say for sure that it didn't happen, but I can't recall any educator that I felt took any particular interest in me outside of me being one of their many students. Uh I was never mistreated, but I don't know if I ever felt seen. And had I be had I been seen and challenged in different ways, maybe I was, maybe I would be able to, maybe I would have been able to find some motivation.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, yes, beautiful. I hope my educators are listening to that, you know, letting every child feel seen. And your lack of motivation was communication a signal for needing to be seen. Right. So, what would you say to a young person who knows they're capable but just can't find direction?

SPEAKER_02

I think today um young people have so many more resources than I had growing up to help find direction. Um, I would tell them to not feel as though they have to have everything figured out. Because even people who seem like they have it all together, you know, are often learning as they go. But I would all one thing I would definitely do, and which I wish I would have done, I would encourage those young people to always put forth their best effort. Um, because effort creates momentum, good habits, and those habits can open doors. Um, I would say, you know, continue to learn, stay curious, try different things, and and pay attention to what interests you. And over time, those uh steps can build real direction.

SPEAKER_03

Great advice. So, what are you most proud of, not just in what you've done, but in who you've become?

SPEAKER_02

Um, I would say that I'm most proud that despite being unmotivated as a youth and not the best student as a young man, um, that I didn't let that define my entire life. Um I eventually chose a path and figured out what worked for me and and found my way eventually. Um also I have three daughters that are mature and motivated young women, excellent students, and are on their way to be doing amazing things in this world. And to me, that brings me more satisfaction than anything I've accomplished.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

My daughters are much better students than I was.

SPEAKER_03

Um, you said something there that I wanted to talk about. I'm proud of you. You know, I I listened to your story and I'm proud of you. And, you know, yes, you had a slow start. And I know as a parent, we want our kids to just go, right? We just want them, we want to set the path straight for them and just put them on it and see them go, you know, but a slow start doesn't mean that there won't be success a little later on. And it's that um need of patience for parents in those moments, you know, um, and then offering support in a way, you know, keeping expectations high, but offering support to allow though uh our older babies um to find their way, to help them find their way.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03

So, what do you want your story to teach others?

SPEAKER_02

I would want my story to show that um potential alone isn't enough. Um, you have to learn how to use it. Um it's okay if things don't come together right away, or if you struggle with direction or motivation at times. Um, I think what matters is building consistency, putting in the effort, and staying open to growth. Um, we don't have to have everything figured out early. Um, it's never too late. Just we just have to keep moving forward. And I'd also want people to understand that progress isn't always a straight line, it's not always linear. Sometimes there are going to be setbacks, changes, and um moments of doubt, and that's all part of the progress. But we just need to stay committed and keep showing up, and things will uh fall in place over time.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, keep going, keep going. Well, thank you. This has been such an amazing story. Do you have any last words that you would like to share?

SPEAKER_02

Um I would just say that um, like I said, it's it's never too late. I feel like I'm a I'm a great example of that. I mean, life wasn't uh perfect, but I I didn't give up and um just just kept going and and I guess figured it out in my own time. I mean, it's not you know, I'm not um working on any particular schedule, but you know, everybody everybody figures it out in their own way.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, yes. Well, thank you so much for sharing with the um Advocate Podcast. And maybe we'll have you back after you get in your career and you can uh tell us more.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, I would love that. Thanks for having me again.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, talk to you later.

SPEAKER_02

All right, bye.

SPEAKER_03

Wow, what a powerful and honest conversation. What stands out to me most is this. What we often label as unmotivated isn't always about a lack of ability or even a lack of desire. It's often about a lack of connection, direction, or alignment. Adam's story reminds us that growth doesn't always happen on a traditional timeline. Sometimes it takes life experience, structure, and the right internal shift for purpose to take root. For parents, this is a reminder that accountability and support must go hand in hand. For educators, it's a call to look beyond the surface, to recognize that the student who isn't turning in homework might still be deeply capable, deeply intelligent, and just waiting for the right conditions to thrive. And for our young people listening, your current path does not define your final destination. There is still time, there is still purpose, and there is still greatness in you. Thank you for joining me on the Advocate Podcast. This is Dr. Christie in Love. If this episode spoke to you, be sure to share it with someone who needs to hear it and continue to advocate, not just for others, but for yourself. And as always, keep asking the hard questions, keep challenging the narrative, and keep advocating for every child, because children deserve adults who won't stop fighting for them. Have a blessed day.