Team Not Tired
Team Not Tired is a podcast and community for busy Christian women who are ready to live their lives as ministry—without losing themselves in the process. Here, burnout is not a badge of honor. Together, we discover a better way: one fueled by grace, purpose, and sustainable rhythms that honor God and who He’s called us to be.
Team Not Tired
Grieving What You Didn't Expect to Lose
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In this episode of Team Not Tired, we talk about the quiet grief we do not always label as grief, the disappointment of realizing this is not how you thought your life would look, and why so many women carry that kind of loss in silence. We anchor in Psalm 34:18 and unpack the expectation gap between what you expected and what became your reality, why it is not the pain Olympics, and how God can meet you with freedom when it is time to stop rehearsing the old picture and start receiving the life in front of you. We also look to Job for the reminder that you can do everything “right” and still walk through loss, and we share practical ways to move forward by naming your loss out loud, inviting community in, and letting Jesus carry what you were never meant to hold alone.
And I'm actually not the main character. I'm like the sidekick, like the supporting actress that's like, you know, kind of awkward.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if I agree with that, but we'll we'll we'll continue.
SPEAKER_03You know what I mean? But I I think the main character is what I'm getting at is is Christ. He is the main character. Oh, way to make it spiritual. I know it's it's you're right. But but I think it's I am can I was convicted of this because a lot of things have happened in my life that I didn't think would ever happen. And so, like I said, that's where the awkward supporting role comes in. And I'm like, oh, I'm not as good as I thought I was, or I I didn't think this was going to happen in my life, or I didn't think I would carry this this silent this silent grief.
SPEAKER_01Hey friend, welcome to Team Not Tired. We are so glad that you're here and want to remind you that this podcast exists to help busy Christian women find the grace to run their race at a sustainable pace without burning out, putting yourself under too much pressure, or feeling like you have to pretend. So before we get started today, because today might feel a little deep, it might feel a little heavy. So before we get started, I just want to invite you to take a deep breath. These episodes are meant to be encouraging. They're meant to be short enough that you can listen on a drive or while you're folding a load of laundry. But I just want to remind you, you don't have to feel like you need to hurry through this moment. So we're here, you're here. Let's settle in and let's get into today's topic.
SPEAKER_03Buckle in. Uh-oh. Today, today's episode is called Grieving What You Didn't Expect to Lose.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03I know. And I I just love this verse in Psalms 34, 18. It says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And I want to talk about disappointment.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03This this isn't like someone passed away and we're talking about a funeral. I'm talking about disappointment of this isn't how I thought my life was going to look like. Okay. Or be. I'm talking about that quiet, that silent grief.
SPEAKER_01I'm with you.
SPEAKER_03That we don't really talk about. Like I've mm-hmm. I've not heard it on a pulpit. I haven't heard it on a podcast, other than like grief in the sense of losing a loved loss.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And I I think as women in particular, we need to be able to talk about it.
SPEAKER_02Because there's a lot of things that we we didn't think our life was going to end up this way. And disappointment is is tough.
SPEAKER_03And it's tough to wrestle with. And I think when we play the trailer of our own life, we're the main character. And it's always this grand plan, right? Or at least in my head. It totally is. What would your theme music be? Oh my gosh. Okay, so I love classical music.
SPEAKER_01I knew you'd have an answer.
SPEAKER_03I know because I'm so not fun. I so I mean, when my when you're asking me this story, like, what's what's your guilty pleasure? I'm like, historical fiction. You know, like, you're the coolest. Yeah. So there's this, it's called Spring. And it's like a legitimate song. And it's, I would call it my theme song. And I have this pod, well, on Spotify, I have playlists that I call Breathe. When I have a playlist called Breathe Too. That's why we're friends. And I will put it on when I feel really overstimulated. And one of the songs, because you know, you can just pick one song and then shuffle. And it's called Spring One through 2012. And of course, it's a it's a beautiful ballad. It's like bright and obviously spring like. And I love that song. That's I love that. So that would be your your trailer theme. That would be my trailer theme. And I'm I'm in this beautiful dress, I'm in this beautiful gown. And I am, you know, the long thick hair that I don't actually have. Probably with your pearls. Yes, I'm literally wearing them now. And you know, I'm I'm running in this, you know, beautiful Downton Abbey estates, and you know, Chateau Crawford is in real life. And then I wake up and I'm at La Petite, which is what this is not what I pictured. This is not what I pictured, even though I think, you know, La Petite is what I do call my house because it is so small, but we live pretty big in it and we love really big in it. But I have been convicted in my life because there are things in my life that I didn't think it would be this way. And I have been convicted with my own movie trailer of my own life. And I'm actually not the main character. I'm like the sidekick, like the supporting actress that's like, you know, kind of awkward.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if I agree with that, but we'll we'll we'll continue.
SPEAKER_03You know what I mean? But I I think the main character is what I'm getting at is is Christ. He is the main character. A way to make it spiritual. I know it's it's you're right. But but I think it's I am can I was convicted of this because a lot of things have happened in my life that I didn't think would ever happen. And so, like I said, that's where the awkward supporting role comes in. And I'm like, oh, I'm not as good as I thought I was. Or I I didn't think this was going to happen in my life, or I didn't think I would carry this this silent this silent grief of, you know, maybe you're thinking of like that job didn't work out. I should have that child that I thought I would give life to, or the prayers that you have sought the Lord, you've interceded on behalf, and the prayer is unanswered, or things are left undone and there's no reconciliation. And so, how how do you have that like silent grief? Because it wasn't a death necessarily, but we feel like we can't talk about it. We kind of push through, but we're hurt, and so we show up, we smile, someone asks, like, oh, how's it going? And you're like, Good, because you know, it wasn't necessarily a death, or on the the opposite end of like the duality of life, like you have everything you have you ever needed and wanted, and you're still unhappy, and you're trying to figure out why I got all my answered prayers, and both are exhausting in different ways, yes, and I think it is a really interesting dynamic that women carry in particular, and they're like, I don't know what's wrong with me, and then the shame creeps in, and that's exhausting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're right. And I I think in ministry I see so many women who you know want to run their race well, but they get really slowed down by what you're describing as disappointment.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I think, like I mentioned, it'd be just because it's not a death, we don't say it out loud. And then, you know, I've had a lot of like hardship in my life the last seven years. I would say I've been, you know, pretty heavy. And you know, I'm talking to someone, and we're just, you know, life is lifing, and oh, how's it going? Blah de blah. And then they start kind of getting to a conversation of complaining or just like sharing their hardship.
SPEAKER_01And they're like, Oh, but I really shouldn't, I should really like all things considered, compared to you, you know, and I don't take offense to it because but they're basically saying, Oh, my heart isn't as bad as your heart.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_03And I always tell them, and I've I think you've heard me say this, it's not the pain Olympics. Like, nobody gets a gold medal because my pain outdoes yours. It's it that's not how this works. Like, you carry that that grief and that disappointment, and yeah, they're different. What what we're going through as a family in our health journey with our oldest is is extreme.
SPEAKER_02Like that is what it is, and nobody gets a gold medal.
SPEAKER_03I want to hear about your hardship. It says in the Bible that we should, you know, cast our burdens to the Lord, but then we should could should also shoulder one another's burdens. Shoulder, yep, each other's burdens. And I think that's really important. And we don't know how to do that because we're not talking about it. We're not saying it out loud. Instead of like, you know, I don't know how you do it all. And it's and with everything that's going on, it's like, I'm not right. Christ is. I'm just hanging on by a thread, girlfriend.
SPEAKER_01Can I ask you a question before you you share some maybe practical instruction for us or how you've navigated overcoming the the hurt and disappointment and grief? Do you think it's the same as what we call the expectation gap?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Of, you know, so many times we are disappointed because our expectation didn't meet our reality. Yeah. And I find so many times that's a spiritual thing. I've I've dealt with that in my life. I actually found a lot of freedom in my life this year with I had a moment with the Lord where I felt like he was asking me to go, can we take down, we can we take down the picture? This is how the the pastor put it in the moment. He's like, take down the picture that you put on the wall at 21 and celebrate the actual reality of what you're doing at 42. And the Lord like really convicted me of that. And I've found so much joy and freedom in my own life. I know we're talking about different things, but I really was freed that day when I confessed that to the Lord.
SPEAKER_03Is that is that part of what you were talking about? Yeah, I would say so. Because we have this expectation of our life, or I did everything right. Did everything that my parents told me to do, I did I followed the Bible to a T, and I'm here and it's not working out. I've been in the book of Job, which, you know, is uh is really interesting to me because Job did nothing wrong. And yet his whole world fell apart. His children died, his livelihood uh came crashing down, he's basically bankrupt at that point, and his friends are like, Hey, you did something wrong, and there's no fruit in your life, and that's how you measure people's life, but it it's so counteractive uh to the life of Job. And obviously the story worked out towards the end, uh but there's a lot of middle. There's a lot of middle in Job's story. In Job's story, and there's a lot of messiness, and there's a lot of of unresolved things that took place of just absolute disappointment and loss after loss. And so there is a time in our life as parents where we are just getting bad news after bad news after bad news, and you're like thinking, it can't certainly get worse, and then it does. And I'm so glad that God has pulled us through that and from that, but it was really tough to think like wow, this is the story of my motherhood of adopting these two beautiful girls. And you know, I was thinking like we're gonna run off to the sunset and everything's gonna work out and everything's gonna be great. And in some ways it has, and in other ways, it's incredibly hard. And so my husband were and I were even talking about like how the Jewish people were hoping that Jesus would come as like this like militant, yeah, and he's gonna come on like the stallion and strong and turns out. Yeah, it turns out that was that was not it. He comes humbly on a donkey. Like frees them from their sin. He frees them, but but through dying, through dying. And one of my favorite authors is Elizabeth Elliot. She's so great, and there's this quote that I want to read. It says, To be a follower of the crucified means sooner or later, a personal encounter with the cross, and the cross always entails loss.
SPEAKER_02And when we pick up our cross and we walk the journey through life, there is gonna be loss.
SPEAKER_03There's a season for everything, and there's so much life on the other side, and so I wanna be able to help us kind of navigate and wrestle through, and and it's not again, I've said this before, I don't have all the answers, but I've put in a lot of reps. And so I would say name your loss. Name it, say it out loud, and then let go of the guilt for grieving the you know, quote unquote lesser things of your disappointment.
SPEAKER_01And and probably don't look to anybody else to label your loss either.
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah, because people will tell you all kinds of things when you're in the middle of your own, you know, tragedy. And so I would say like practice grieving hope and let yourself feel, but don't stop there. That's what I mean by grieving and hope. Like I know that the Lord was working and he was in my mess. And I still heard the bad news, but I still had hope. Yes, I watched you walk that out really well, friend. So I think that's way important. And I think the other thing is ask God, like, how are you how are you working in this? How are you working here? Because instead of saying, why me, God, why this, that, and the other, like, he's not I mean, he's not told me. So maybe, maybe you have a direct line to God, but but I have found it more helpful to say, God, how are you working through this? And I have gotten revelation. My husband and I talk about all the things that have transpired and how many more people we've been able to help because of our journey, even though it's been tough.
SPEAKER_01Like it's put you in places that you wouldn't otherwise have been.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01I think I think that's really beautiful because to your point, uh he's near to the brokenhearted. And so many people that I talk to talk to, maybe not while they're in the valley, right, but once they're beyond it, they go, oh, I would I would not trade that because I knew God and have learned God in such a deeper, more intimate way than I would have otherwise.
SPEAKER_03And he reveals himself in different characteristics of who he is. And so I would say lastly, invite community in. Not everyone needs to come with you, it might need to be a smaller group, but invite community in instead of isolating because that's another trick of the enemy that just wants to isolate you and blame God and get angry and let and allow bitterness take root. But don't do that. Invite your community in. Invite them to see the miracles of God, invite them to see like what it truly means to live this lifestyle the way even in the crushing. Because not a lot of people have the privilege of seeing someone be crushed and still ooze out a fresh oil of their life of like, no, I truly believe this. I believe this, I know this to be true, I know Christ is with me, and the crushing is real.
SPEAKER_01To your point, like you chose that in your journey, but then there are others in the journey who need others to speak that over them. Like they need community. And maybe some of you listening right now are are walking through disappointment, you're walking through grief, and you haven't invited anyone in to point you to Jesus and to speak life over you and to remind you of God's promises and the access we have to his healing power. And so I think that's a great just reminder to end with today, friend. Thanks for sharing vulnerably and sharing part of your journey. It's a little, a little heavier today, but we do hope that you still leave encouraged and hopefully equipped to not let disappointment take over, but instead look for practical ways to see God through it. So thanks for spending these last few minutes with us. We know your time is valuable. And so we're just really honored that you chose to be here and be part of our conversation today. If this episode was helpful, would you take a second and rate, review, or share it with a friend who might really need the encouragement? We will meet you back here on the first and third Tuesdays of the month because even podcasts should run at a sustainable pace. Amen. Absolutely. Amen. We're so glad you're here, and we're so glad that you're part of the team.