I am Not What Happened To Me

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey friends, welcome back to Uncensored Faith Podcast. If episodes one through three felt heavy, when I explained my story, the brutal questions I had to ask, and the raw healing talk, I just want you to sit for a second. Pull up a chair. This is still, this is still a safe place. Today's episode is called I Am Not What Happened to Me. I want to get emotional with you today because after all we've walked through, there's this ache, right? This quiet grief that says, What did all that pain do to me? Who even am I now? In John chapter 1, verse 42, it kind of sets our tone. It's Jesus looking at like a shaky, rough Simon and says, You are Simon, but then later he says, You will be called Cephas, which is translated translated to be Peter. It's a new name. Spoken over someone that's still a little rough around the edges. So let's get real with who God says we are. You ever wake up and just really feel it? And I'm not saying like just the memories, but like the weight of what they made you believe about yourself. For me, it was this deep sadness. This little girl inside who believed she was one, forgettable because he made me feel invisible unless I performed. Or two, not worth fighting for because I had to beg for basic decency. Or three, always being second choice. Because I stayed anyway and still was chosen last. And what hits you in the chest when you think, who am I? Is it grief? Maybe loneliness? Or like this hollow anger? I challenge you to name that feeling for a second. Let it breathe. That's not weakness. That breath that you just took, that's you being alive enough to feel what needs renaming. First John chapter 3, verse 1. It wrecked me the first time. I let it land emotionally in my heart. See what grief, see what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are. Not servants, not projects, but children. I remember weeping over this verse, and I mean not the pretty tears, but like the shoulder shaking kind. Because after abuse stripped away my sense of safety, child felt really impossible. Because children get protected, they get cherished, and they get seen and heard and understood. But John says God has lavished this love. It's extravagant, it's undeniable, and it's undeserved. Feel that for a second. The God who knit you together calls you child, not because you earned it, but because that's who you are to him. Where your story says orphan, he says child. Where it says I'm burdened, he says I am lavished in this on you. You ever need to hear sometimes that God doesn't just tolerate you? Well, in Zephaniah 3, verse 17, it says, The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, and his love, he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Rejoice over you with singing? I read that post abuse, and I felt angry at first. God, where was your singing when I was crying myself to sleep? But after a while, the emotion shifted to this longing, to aching for a father who delights in me, who sings warrior songs over my battle because of victory he already has. Can you imagine a God singing over the version of you that's still scared? That's still tender and vulnerable, and still unsure of who you are or even what his part is in your life? Wow, it just amazes me. It honestly gives me the chills. And it's not like when you get better that he starts doing it, it's right now with the singing. Like during the the ugliest parts and during the best parts. There's no in between or there's no places where he's just like, nah, I'm not gonna do that today. Anna doesn't deserve singing over today because she decided to yell at someone. No, no, no, that's not how it works. He's constantly singing war songs over me because he won it already, and I just need to partner with him to do it. In Psalms 139, verse 13 through 16, it kind of gets so personal it hurts. And it says, For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before even one of them came to be. So God saw every version of you before trauma touched you. The you who would hurt, the you who would doubt, and even the you listening right now, still healing. He wrote your days, knowing that you'd walk through it. And he still said, This one, he's mine, this one, she's mine, and I delight in their story. Wow. Now the question I ask, what would change if you believe the God who knit your your cells still calls your current hurtful self fearfully and wonderfully made? Let's sit with this together. If you can pause, breathe with me. Close your eyes if it's safe. Because if you're listening to this while driving, you probably don't want to close your eyes. But picture this: the father, not distant, not disappointed, but near and close. And borrow John's words from 1 John chapter 3, verse 1, and replace it with your feeling. I'll give you an example. Father, I don't always feel like your child. I feel forgotten. But your word says, you've lavished love on me, that I am your child. Help me feel even a whisper of that today. Now picture him singing over you and rejoicing over you like in Zephaniah 3.17. He's not judging your tears, but he's rejoicing that you are his. And let whatever comes, whether it be tears, peace, or that numbness, let it be welcomed here. Because all your emotions are real and honest, and that's all God asks. He just asks you to be open with him. And if you just let God into your life when it's happy and you distance from away from him when you're sad or you're going through something, you're not really gonna know the heart of God. You're not really gonna know who he is because you're choosing to see him in the good times and be blind to him during the bad. And that's not real healing. That's putting on a face to make everything seem better than what it really is. And that's not how you get over the hump. That's how you stay in the valley. In Lamentations chapter 3, verse 22 through 23, it meets you kind of in that ache. It says, Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed. For his compassions, they never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. And to be honest, your emotions, they might scream. Still broken every morning, every second, every hour. His compassions, well, they're gonna say the opposite: that you're still loved every morning, every hour, every day, every second. And then Romans 8:15, it seals it emotionally. It says, The spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again. Rather, the spirit you received brought about your adoption. And by him we cry, Abba, Father. That cry is an emotional permission to cry, to call my father. If I'm going through something, I'm gonna call my father. And you don't have to feel like a child to cry, Abba. You just cry it. You know, in your soul, deep down inside, because you've accepted Christ into your heart, you've accepted God, and you have acknowledged that he exists, you're trying to get closer with him, and you have that acknowledgement. And because you have him inside of you, because you invited him into that space, your soul, your spirit, your body, it knows and it cries for that intimacy with God. But it's our job, despite our feelings, despite what we may feel, what we're going through, to continue to maintain that relationship with God by crying on, by crying for him and asking for him. Father, Abba, I need you. Just like you would your own parents, mom, I need you, dad. I need you. Or if you you don't have parents, whoever raised you, whoever put is in that position in this world, God, you call on God in the same way. You are not what happened to you. And I repeat, you are not what happened to you. And the Bible has tons of examples. John chapter 3, verse 1 calls you child. Zephaniah 3.17, it says he sings over you. Psalms 139 says he knit you past, present, and future. So this week, when old emotions rise and you don't really have strength, just whisper Abba from Romans 8.15. And let it feel clumsy, let the tears come. That's your heart learning its new name. It's your heart learning its new identity, it's your heart learning who exactly you're supposed to be, a child of God. Uncensored faith, it holds that space for the ache and the promise. So remember this if you get anything out of this episode, you're his child. And feel that however you want today. And we'll see you next time.