Don't Touch Me Right Now (But God I Want You To...) - The Conflicted Nervous System

You love him. You want him close. And the second he actually moves toward you, something in your body says not tonight. Not because you don't want him. Not because the love isn't there. But because your nervous system hits the brakes before you even have a choice. In this Friday Reset, Dr. Juls names what's actually happening in that moment — and it's not what you think.

The pullback is not a character flaw. It's not low libido. It's not a sign your relationship is broken. It's a dorsal vagal response — your body's way of protecting you when it doesn't have the capacity for one more demand, even a loving one. Dr. Juls breaks down why women over 50 are disproportionately stuck in this loop, what it does to the dynamic between partners when one pursues and one shuts down, and why forcing intimacy makes the pattern worse, not better.

This episode includes a six-step couples reset called "The Stay Practice" — a body-based, zero-pressure tool for building the capacity to remain in closeness without flooding. No performance. No faking. Just a few seconds of your nervous system learning that staying is safe. Because when closeness feels safe, desire stops hiding.

Try "The Stay Practice" this weekend. One point of contact. One slow exhale. One choice to stay just a little longer. Notice what shifts when your body gets to discover — maybe for the first time in years — that being close doesn't have to cost you anything.

Order Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? and start rebuilding from the inside out: www.juliemerrimanphd.com

What if the reason you've gone from feeling young, passionate, and desirable to feeling disconnected, broken, and like you're living with a roommate instead of a husband…has nothing to do with your age or your hormones?

What if it comes down to a hidden cycle no one talks about - one that keeps women after 50 stuck, waiting for a desire that never seems to return?

That's exactly why I created The Desire Reset Guide.

It's for women after 50, and it reveals the real reason you feel broken - plus 3 simple practices you do over 3 days to finally reconnect with your pleasure, your desire, and your partner. 👉 juliemerrimanphd.com/desire

Have you quietly wondered if you're broken…you're not. The science says so. Listen to Episode 29: Your Body Isn't Broken, The Truth About Desire After 50. 

New episodes Wednesdays & Fridays, 5am CST

This podcast is for women after 50 navigating low desire, sexual disconnection, and body changes who want nervous-system-informed insight into libido, aliveness, intimacy, and embodied pleasure so they can move from tamed to alive and unapologetically hungry.

 No part of this content may be used for AI or machine learning training.

Transcript

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In this episode, you'll discover why you want him close, yet pull away when he touches you. You're really kinda confused. Sexy After 50. Improve sex and intimacy by healing your nervous system so you finally feel turned on and confident. We're waking up what never left, desire and fire. I'm Dr. Jules. Let's get to it So girl, you love this man or your partner. You want him close, and the moment he reaches for you, something in your body says, "No." Not forever, not because of him, but right now, in this moment, your body slams the door. Here is what nobody told you. That is not damage, that is intelligence. Stay with me. Today I'm going to show you how to work with it so connection can actually feel good again. So let me describe the scene. See if this fits. He comes close, maybe it's a touch, maybe it's a look, maybe it's a particular energy that means he wants something from you tonight, and your body says, "Not tonight, buddy." You go stiff or flat or just, um, brace, or you find a reason to be in another room. And then comes the guilt, right? The confusion, the quiet, ugly, little voice that says, "What is wrong with me?" Girl, nothing's wrong with you. What's happening is a nervous system response, not a relationship verdict. And once you understand what's actually driving the pullback, you get your power back. How cool is that? So stay with me. The nervous system, girl, it's got one job, and it's not to make you sexy, not to keep your marriage hot. Its job is to keep you safe, and it runs this calculation constantly below your conscious awareness. Do I have the capacity for this moment right now? That means a constant question being, question being run. It's not asking, do I love him? Do I love my partner? Not do I want a good relationship. Capacity right now is the question. And when the answer is no, and for most of us gals over 50, the answer is no more often than we want to admit because we're running on empty. Because we have been the ones holding everything together. Because our nervous systems are stuck in chronic low-grade threat state. When the answer is no, closeness does not feel like love. It feels like a demand, like something else on your to-do list. And your body does exactly what a well-designed body does. It creates space. This is called a dorsal vagal response. Your system downshifts. You go quiet, flat, shut down, or suddenly very interested in anything else. And really, girl, it's not rejection. It's regulation. And the cruel part, he, your partner, feels it as rejection anyway. So now your partner either pursues harder, which floods you more, or your partner backs off, wounded. And the loop spins. Distant, distance grows, and you both end up lonely in the same bed Here is what breaks the loop. Not willpower, not conversation where you explain yourself for the 14th time. Nervous system capacity. When your body learns it can stay in closeness without getting overwhelmed, the whole kit and caboodle, the whole thing shifts. So if you've been living in this pattern, I want to say something really directly to you. Girl, you, you've not been failing at intimacy. You've been a woman whose nervous system never got the message that it was allowed to soften, 'cause we've been living 24/7 braced trying to get all this shit done. Softening hadn't even crossed your mind. And perhaps it's been decades of being needed and not nurtured. Maybe it's a body that learned early that closeness came with a cost. Maybe it's just, just the relent- relentless weight of midlife landing on a system that never got to fully rest. Whatever the story might be, your body is not the enemy. Your body is just waiting for a different signal. So girl, let's give your body a different signal So this weekend's reset is not about forcing intimacy. It's not about just letting him in. It's about building a few seconds, then a few more of your body knowing it can stay safe without losing itself. That, my friend, is where desire comes back. Not in pushing, not in pressure, in the safety. You've got to have that root chakra balanced. Your body has to be a safe place to be for desire to show back up. So here is a weekend couples reset called the stay practice. So you're not doing this to perform closeness. You're doing this to teach your nervous system a new story. Step one, name it out loud. Say to your partner when you're calm, not in the moment, "Sometimes when you come close, my body gets overwhelmed. I want you. Lord, I want you, but I also get flooded. Now I'm working on it, and I need you to know it's not about you." I believe in my bones that this one sentence changes the whole field. He stops chasing. You stop bracing. The nervous system... Both nervous systems in the room relax. Those mirror neurons kick in. You can co-regulate better. Step two, create your pause signal. Agree on a simple phrase. "Give me a second. I need a breath." Whatever, whatever it might be, but this phrase means I'm not leaving, I'm landing, not withdrawal, a bridge You gotta practice that before you need it, okay? And then step three, you stay in the body while you pause. This, my friend, is the very most important part. Instead of walking away, keep one point of physical contact. A hand on his arm, your leg against your partner's, something small, warm, real. You are teaching your nervous system, "I can slow down and still be here. I don't have to disappear to get relief." You see how different that feels for both of you? And then the next step, step four, regulate in real time. Thirty seconds. That's all. One slow exhale through your mouth. I, I really want you to try this. A really big deep inhale and then through the nose at the very top, three more snorts in and then the exhale. And I want you to feel the weight of your hips wherever you're sitting or standing. Notice the temperature of his skin where you're touching. You are not performing calm. You are actually finding the floor. And step five, come back in small Okay? So you come back in, but small. After the pause, not a push, just a small return. Eye contact, one more breath together, the slightest lean toward him. That is intimacy. That single moment of choosing to stay is more erotic than anything performed. And step six: stop before you're done. Do not push past your window. We are building capacity, not auditioning. 10 good seconds of real presence is worth more than an hour of going through the motions. Remember, I remember this, and I would think a lot of y'all listening, um, us gals who started in the '80s, our careers and, and remember what they're saying about motherhood, and of course, we all had guilt. We're pushed to go have these careers and have guilt. But m- my point is, I believe this to be true, it was not quantity of time, it's quality of time, and that is what we're saying here. It's not quantity, it's the quality. So why this works? Because, girl, what you're doing with this practice is renegotiating what your nervous system believes closeness means. After years and years of obligatory sex, faking orgasms, pushing through intimacy when you just weren't into it, we've taught our nervous system to brace. So what you're doing with this practice is renegotiating what closeness means. Right now, it believes closeness equals demand, equals overwhelm, equals moments you lose yourself. Every time you pause instead of pulling away and your body discovers that closeness was safe, dun, dun, dun, that belief updates. And when closeness feels safe, 'cause your body's gotta feel safe for any kind of desire to come back, what you're doing is giving desire a place to live again. And it's not magic. It's simply neuroscience. And girl, it is completely available to you This is the kind of work I walk you through inside my book, Are We Going to Have Sex or What? Located on my website or at Amazon. Because this is not about wanting it more. It's about creating the conditions where wanting becomes possible again, where your body stops bracing and starts opening, softening. So grab that copy. This weekend, just one question. What would help my body feel safe enough to stay just a little bit longer? That is not a small question. That is the whole door. I'm Dr. Jules. This is Friday Reset for Sexy After 50. Go and stay. They told you the fire dies at 50. They lied. Tap the show notes to download Reignite Your Fire and Desire, your free 72-hour erotic reboot. Unlock the arousal pathway buried in your nervous system. Reclaim the raw hunger you were taught to suppress, and rewire your body to crave pleasure again. Not because you're broken, but because you're ready to burn. Move from invisible to incredible. I'm Dr. Jules. Keep burning