When Protection Becomes Personality | Gay Men & Emotional Armor

In this episode of Your Critical Crush, Jay Theo explores how bullying, shame, competition, rigid masculinity, and emotional self-protection can quietly shape the way queer men date, connect, and show up in intimacy.

From “mean gay” culture to the pressure to perform confidence, this conversation asks a deeper question: how much of who we think we are is really just what we learned to become?

This episode unpacks how protection can look like standards, coolness, wit, emotional distance, or sexual certainty — while still keeping us disconnected from the love, intimacy, and community we say we want.

🌀 You’re Under Spells
Sometimes what we think is just who we are… is really what we were taught to be.

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who’s been thinking about dating, identity, or emotional growth in a deeper way. And if you’re listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, follow, rate, and review Your Critical Crush.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Something I've been thinking about lately is how a lot of what we call personality in gay male culture is really just forms of protection. The meanness, the rigidity, the constant competition, even the way some people approach intimacy. And a lot of us never really pause long enough to ask if this is who we are or just who we've learned to become. Because protection can look like confidence, it can look like standards, it could even look like masculinity, but sometimes it's just fear in a different form. This is your critical crush, where we can be cute, candid, and connected. I'm Jay Theo and let's get critical. So I wanted to bring up this conversation about our personalities as gay men because I feel like a lot of how we maneuver ourselves to the world sometimes can be limiting us in our world. I know for a lot of us, bullying was like the first moment of us trying to protect ourselves and shield ourselves, where bullying could have made us have a humor as a defense, or maybe being shady as a defense, or just finding other ways to cope with the fact that somebody is bullying you, or maybe you were bullied, so then you start bullying other people. So you could have some power or control in a situation. And you may not realize that you're still doing that to this day. Also think rejection over the years, maybe liking the straight guy, wanting him to be gay, or maybe just moments of like feeling like you don't have the same opportunities to connect with potential partners or romantic interests that straight people do, which potentially would make you more of an emotionally distant person where you don't really share your emotions with anybody, you don't really share too much, you're not really vulnerable. You keep your distance of people because you because you feel like there's just no real connection that you can gather from someone because of the rejection you've dealt with, even when it comes to shame, you feel shameful if you want to dress a certain way or do a certain thing because it may appear more feminine or maybe feel appear more less masculine. And you want to make sure that you are still coming off masculine because even though you're gay, you still want to attach yourself to certain aspects of a heteronormativity. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be masculine or want to be feminine. But if this is not who you truly are, or if you are eliminating yours because you are performing for someone else, that's where it's a problem. But these are just examples of how I feel like we as gay men, as we age and as we grow up, we have a lot of different experiences. And we deal with a lot of things in our lives that a lot of our straight counterparts don't. Just when it comes to managing like our crushes, our hobbies, our interests, what we want to wear. I think there's so much that goes in and out of the mind of a gay man or a queer man because of society and still the pressures we have to show up as men in society and how that dynamic has really shaped us to how we view ourselves and how we view other people that want to enter our lives. So I'll say all that to say, I really want to deep dive into this aspect of gay men utilizing their personality as protection and how this plays out in other aspects of our lives and how it's all interconnected and the steps we can take to unlearn some of these things, how we can allow ourselves to evolve and grow and just be more of a community, more connected. I think it's can lead to all positive things. And honestly, just knowing more of where things come from, where things potentially can stem from, can allow you to start asking more questions for yourself and just really figuring out if this is who you are or something you learned and if you have room to change those things about yourself. So now that we understand like where some of these things can come from, how they can show up in just numerous ways, I want to start with mean girl culture. This is what I definitely think that a lot of gay men got from bullying and they still see it as protection. And I think we've intermingled it so much into gay culture, into drag culture and all these things that we feel like it's a part of being gay is to be shady, to be mean, all the things. And yes, being shady can be fun and funny and cute, and people can take jokes and things like that. But I think also there needs to be a level of comfort with people when you're shading. There also needs to be a level of familiarity and just a safe space. And I think I don't think a lot of gay men take those steps to make somebody feel safe with them before they're being shady or mean. I think a lot of times it is when they're meeting a new person where that happens. I know that's been my experience. Most of the time, when I'm meeting new people, or I'm meeting like some a dude, I'm dating's friends, that's when I've gotten the mean girl energy. Or if somebody realizes you have a certain type of job or you make a certain amount of money, or you live in a certain part of town, then it switches and they become like a mean girl. So it can spew in lots of different ways. But I definitely think that's their way of maybe protecting themselves from that energy or not wanting to be around someone that's doing better than them because that makes them feel insecure. Not saying that's right or wrong in that thought process, but it's the thought to like be mean to that person when they technically didn't do anything. Besides just being mean to someone, I think we're really shaping our culture in the gay community to really showcase that being cruel has this wit or this wisdom to it in the gay community or has this aspect of it to look up to, which I get in drag culture. If that's a part of your stick, if that's a part of your vibe, is to be shady and that's part of the show of you and your bank account and all those things, then okay, being shady and those instances, performances on TV, all the things I understand. But when we start making being mean, being shady, being negative such a part of the culture that we start admiring it, I think that's where it starts getting a little for me. Like, and I get we all watch Housewives, we like a good read, we like all those things, but yet again, those are performances, those are people putting on a show for us. And sometimes, even then, I think sometimes people take it too far. But I feel like it's real people living in the real world, dealing with real things all the time, but not putting on shows. I do think that we're setting ourselves up to admire something that really is not something to be admired. Also, in the framework of being mean in our community, I think is to be detached, is to be anti as a way of looking cool. I know there's a lot of gay men that say they don't hang out in the gay scene, they don't go to gay stuff, they don't do that gay thing, they don't do this, they don't watch that show. It's just all these ways of being like, oh, I'm not, I'm not that gay, or I'm not, I'm not, I'm not into the scene like that, or like don't associate me with those type of gays. It's just like, girl, there's just so much anti when it comes to that type of person in our community. And I definitely think that can be rooted in wanting to look cool, being bullied yet again, um, not being part of the in crowd, feeling isolated maybe in the past. I'm not saying this stem from things, but if we just make it like the cool thing to do in the gay community, especially in the black gay community, because that's what I am, is to not be a part of the community, is to not explore this thing, is to not be open-minded, then I feel like that's just setting us back to really embrace ourselves as gay people and embrace what we can do and learn and connect on as gay people. Like I think there are certain things that gay men do connect on, and gay men connecting all that shouldn't be looked down upon, shouldn't be made fun of. I think we should be looking at more ways to come together as a gay community because we're so small than to trying to separate us all the time to look cool. And it's always like to look cool for who? Your man, your family, who are we looking cool for at this age? So ask yourself that sometimes if you are one of those people that are just anti-everything all the time. Um, I'm not saying you have to be out here in a social scene and partying and all those things, but it's not, I just don't think it's cool when somebody asks asks you if you watch Housewives or if you watch Drag Racing, you're like, I don't watch that. That's not like that energy, it's just like, oh, I don't watch that, but it's not my thing. Your energy shows like where you stand with things like that. And I think that creates a further divide amongst us as gay people because we don't feel comfortable sometimes sharing our interests with each other because it we could be judged. And this is one under mean gay culture that I think I can actually connect with is that dismissiveness frame the standards. Now, I do think that I've done a lot of work to tolerate and allow men that would not, I really wouldn't have, and people that were below my standards to entertain me or to be in my face. So I definitely think I did my charity work there. Um, but I know right now, and and I'm in a phase right now of transition, but I would say the past few years, I have not really had the interest in connecting with men in a romantic level. Um and I say a lot of times it's my standards, it's this, this, and that, but sometimes it's just like I just don't be liking to deal with some of the energy in our community. And part of it's weaved into this mean girl stuff. And part of it also is what led to me making this episode is that I sometimes feel like certain gay people, especially in the black gay community, are just so close-minded, so rigid, so strict in the way they think about everything that it just doesn't make them fun to be around. And it's and it's usually the type of men that are trying to live up to some standard of heteronormativity, or they yet again just want to be cool, they want to be like the the outside of the group, they want to be the anomaly, or they just want to find a way to judge other gay people. And I just don't like connecting with people like that. And sadly, I've I've dealt with that a lot where I have to explain certain things that the way that I think and how I operate in a way that makes them feel comfortable and they don't even have a little inkling of an open mind to even consider different points of view or different perspectives or being okay with the way that somebody does something if they don't do the same thing. I really wish that we can open up each other's minds, be more open-minded, be not be so rigid. But I know for me, that aspect of the gay culture and people makes me be more dismissive towards forming certain relationships or trying to form even a romantic relationship within our community. These dynamics, where it's just so many layers into what prevents us from really connecting as gay men in a way that I feel like is true and valuable because I feel like a true friend, a true partner, you understand each other, you connect with each other, but you're also open-minded with their experiences, with your experiences. And I'm not saying you have to just accept and compromise on everything, but I feel like there's connection and being vulnerable. There's connection to hearing other perspectives like that links you to people. And I think sometimes we limit ourselves being so rigid and so definite that we miss those opportunities. Okay, so that's my thoughts on men gay culture. Next up, I really want to speak on is like competition and jealousy, which I guess is like a stem from that. But I do think we in the gay community have a lot of jealousy issues when it comes to friendship, when it comes to partners, when it comes to coworkers at work. I think sometimes we as gay men feel like we should be the only gay man in the room. We should be the only like LGBTQ in the room. I think sometimes that is a factor, which is unfortunate, but I've definitely seen that at work. I've seen that in organizations I was in in college. Like I've seen it a lot. And I definitely think it comes from the stem of like a lot of us didn't get the attention that we wanted, or we were judged for liking the things we liked or being different. So we didn't get the attention we wanted as a child. So now I feel like a lot of us are craving it and we desire it and we want it all the time. I've had friends who would always tell me, you always get all the attention you are, you always are talking to people in a way of like, why do you always have to get all this attention? Why are you a magnet to people? And it's like, I can't stop my energy. But but they were saying in a tone that's like hater eight. So gotta watch out for those people, those evil eyes, those people that be hating but be your friend. Unfortunately, there's a lot of friendships where I think a lot of people are using people because I feel like in the gay world too, we see people as status symbols. Like if I have that friend that works there, if I have that friend that that has that connection, if I have the friend that knows this person, that's like me, me heightening my status. And I think we do that in a lot of ways. I think we do with dating. A lot of a lot of gay people will date a father. They literally will date a daddy. And not even jokingly, they literally will go look for their father. They will go look for somebody to take care of them, like they're a child, tell them what to do, control them. And I'm not saying you can't date somebody older than you. I'm not can't, I'm not even saying you can't date somebody that where you are more submissive and you are not in control, I was, I guess I would say, more in the role of the relationship. But I do think when you are, but I do think when you're when your main goal is to find someone to take care of you or to like bring your status up in life, I think that that just dictates there's truly something missing in you. And hey, everybody's story is different. And I think if anybody can get themselves out of poverty or get themselves out of a bad situation and love is one of the ways, I'm not saying that's bad, but I think it's just intentions versus true love versus what your real plan or goal was. And I think we see it so often in the gay community. Another thing I think that becomes our personality that we use as protection is the toxic masculinity indoctrination. Now, I know we talk about toxic masculine all the time. I know you guys are probably tired of us talking about it, but I definitely think a lot of us are still heavily indoctrinated into toxic masculinity. Even us who have thought we may have unlearned certain things, we have stepped away from that. I think there's still just always going to be a prevalence in us, and you have to constantly be on a journey of unlearning. And I do think that these things still show up in our community. I still think there is a lot of anti-femme energy in our community. It's a lot of anti-trans in the gay community, unfortunately. I also think there's still a lot of like shame put on people that do express themselves in more less rigid, gender-expressive ways. So I definitely just think check yourself, make sure you're constantly learning and unlearning, making sure that you're not performing toxic masculinity if that's not really you as protection, making sure that who you are is who you are. Now, I understand you may be in an environment, you may be a part of the world or in the part of the country, it may not be as safe to be your full true self. But I do think there still just comes a time as you're an adult where you can finally be more real with yourself. And I think the biggest way toxic masculinity shows up is more so in like the emotional vulnerability, the connection, the soft skills aspect of being a gay man. I think there's still a lot of room for growth for a lot of us. And someone who is so close to so many women, I see the dynamic so parallel when I'm hanging out with a girl and I'm hanging out with gay guys, or when something monumental happens in someone's life versus like what my girlfriends would do versus what a gay guy would do. And hey, we're all different, but I definitely think the vulnerability, the connection, like making sure that you're you're holding your friendships down in an emotional way. You are being reciprocal with emotions, with vulnerability, with discussions, all the things that really make a connection pop. I think that we all need to work on, we all need to check ourselves and ask ourselves, are we shutting out emotionally? Are we stepping away from actually being vulnerable? Are we not allowing ourselves to really take the steps to connect in a more human way due to our thoughts on masculinity? Because the way I look at it is we fought to exist outside of all this masculine femininity, heteronormativity stuff, but then we still are not flexible within our own community and we're still pretty rigid in our own community. And one way that I think that really shows up is in our intimacy. I feel like if you took the names top and bottom off of our intimacy, it would just be man and woman. Like it would just be exactly heteronormative, everything, the way people view what a bottom is as a person, the way they move through the world, the way men view what tops are as a as a person and how they move through the world, is just really just giving strict to me femininity and masculinity, y'all, and that's just what it is. And I've always felt that way. I think we lean so heavily into what characteristics we think that that means someone will have. And I think it also limits people from exploration. I honestly feel this way, and you guys can disagree and everybody can disagree, but I think there is a chunk, a huge chunk of bottoms who never topped, who deep down in their soul probably are great tops, would want to top, but just don't feel like that's who is who they are. So they've never tried it. And vice versa with the tops. And I'm not saying sexuality is where you have to explore certain things. This is just a very clear way of telling you guys how we are very rigid in certain ways in our community. I honestly think a lot of what we talk about, especially when it comes to intimacy in the gay community, should be on a spectrum. I think gender expression should be on a spectrum. I think our position should be on our spectrum. I think the way we move in relationships should be in a spectrum. I think we should really try to cut out as much of the heteronormative black and white man versus woman aspects in our community because I feel like it's limiting us from really being able to be free in the ways that we should be able to. It's limiting our community members to explore who they are more and to be more in tune with who they are. And yeah, I think intimacy is one of the clearest ways that we see the rigidness in our community and how we aren't as open to flexibility and change and understanding other people's point of view. Even when people bring up stuff like sides, people laugh and be like, What is that? That's what is a side. I don't they joke about it. People say a lot of people they don't believe people are averse, they don't believe somebody can be like a feminine top, they don't think somebody can be, well, they definitely can be a masculine bottom. We know that. But people think that like you can't be certain things because of the way you present yourself with your gender expression as well. A lot of gay guys don't think bisexuality is real. A lot of them still don't think that. A lot of gay guys don't think trans people should be able to be trans. So I think there's just a lot of rigidness in our community that still breaks us apart. Okay, so now I just want to talk you through a little bit of where my rigidness comes from or came from and why I feel like it's so important for us to be more flexible and not always lean into having these locked personalities based on the things we went through. Um, because you just never know. Okay, so for instance, for me, when I lived in New York and I was making friends in the gay community, I was very much like, oh, I'm I'm I I just graduated college, I'm working at this big company. Like I want friends that are on the same level, like we have the same income, blah, blah, blah. And the more I went out, I started meeting more friends that were all of all different incomes, all different walks of life in New York. I was in a support group at a moment in time, and I met a lot of friends through that, and a lot of them had all different levels of income and areas they lived in the city, and just like just all different energy. It was just a more of a mix of people with different experiences. And when I say those connections were some of the best connections I've met in my life, some of the coolest people, some of the best experiences. So I just want to say one of my origin things was like I was feeling like I was better than other gays, and I should be around a certain type of gay group and I should have these type of friends for a little bit. Like I was not the heavily bougie people in New York, but I just had that little air of like I just graduated college. So it really was really nice to have this moment of meeting these people, a humbling moment just to remind me that everybody in this world, no matter their socioeconomic status, their education, still have so much to offer. And honestly, even though even what I said earlier, I am I am becoming more open-minded to who my partner could even be. But also just like I'm learning like a lot of these structures and things that we believe in are already faux. And there's ways that you can evolve and grasp and grow than what we were told through education, the traditional way, all the things. So that's one way I felt like I was being rigid, which is just like my socioeconomic status. Another way I've showed up defensive rigidity, leaning more into like the toxic masculinity, was that I really didn't used to be someone that was open to hearing somebody else's perspective, to actually having a conversation to seek to understand someone's perspective. I used to be very much like, this is what I know, this is right, you're wrong, or I don't agree with that, and that's is what it is. And I wouldn't really be open to hearing them out or just letting them express their perspective. And I've noticed the more I sit back and I don't speak and I let someone do that, the more that I actually have learned and I even just understood that I even I have a greater stance in my perspective, or there's a new perspective I didn't know about. A lot of being a man is grounded in being right and being in control and knowing things and being all-knowing. And some of those things just actually hurt my friendships with women. And I have women tell me that you need to stop mansplaining or you need to stop always thinking you're right and be open to hearing things for me, really to be open to doing that. And even with men, even with things that I think are aspects of like, oh, he's toxic, or oh, he's not somebody I should talk to or be or be cool with. I've learned that sometimes just like knocking that thought out of my head and actually connecting with that person has led me to build dope connections. Even with some men that come off very hyper-masculine, even with some men that I've hooked up with that have been very hyper-masculine, really having like real conversations with them about why they are the way they are, why they come off so masculine when we're like pillow talking or why we're kicking it. And they'll let you know like really in-depth like moments in their life where they feel like they really just have to be a man or they just really have to show their strength that that is like linked to them now. And they also they're envious of people that actually don't need to do that. So I think there's that's that's just an aspect of how I learned something new for someone from their perspective, even though I thought the way they moved or thought the way they operated was something that I didn't rock with. And lastly, I think the biggest thing that I've learned to, and it's another emotional intelligence thing, is to be more emotionally open. I think me starting therapy when I was 19 helped with this. But I also noticed like I do really feel like this to my heart of hearts. And I hope the men who really want these connections, listen to this. I do really think opening up and being emotionally connected to someone is how you build real friendships and build real connections. And that's why some of my friends, I push them to open up and be more vulnerable at times because I'm like, I want to build this connection with you, I want to be friends with you, but we have to take it to the next level. So I definitely think that could be something that could be setting you back and building real connections. I know a lot of us as men just think our friend is like the friend we go out with, the friend we talk about boys with, the friend that we may go shopping with or something, but not the friend that we really have deep talks and conversation with. And I think you'll be surprised of how you'll feel about your friend or feel about someone in our community by you just opening up and sharing certain things and like letting laying the groundwork to really connect. Because community should really be the goal right now for gay men. Um, as much as we are searching for partners and all these things, a lot of us don't have solid families. Families, because of our situations, a lot of us aren't gonna find a partner. A lot of us may have a partner and that we may lose our partner, things like that. So I just want us to make sure that we are, as we are younger, making sure that we are in lockstep, that we are making sure that we are focused on building community with each other. And I think the best way to do that is to be vulnerable, to open up, to be real with people, but not everything to be surface level, not everything to be about the move, the boy, the party, the trip, whatever the case is. Oh, and lastly, this is so important. One of the things that I think is the most difficult, and I want us all to remember we're on a journey of is unlearning. Unlearning is a journey of this process when it comes to getting rid of toxic masculinity, when it comes to minimizing your internalized homophobia, when it comes to minimizing your internalized racism, all those things, the jealousy, the hate array, all these things, it's a journey, it's a process. And I think we just all should remember that this process is not always gonna feel fun and easy and graceful. But in the end, you become someone who is more connected, you become someone who's more of a safe space, you become someone that is community and just in yourself, because you are offering a layer of understanding to people. And I think that's something we need more of in the gay community. We need more of you, we need more of you. There are still things under gender expression that I will still feel uneasy about, and I have to push myself to be like, it's okay, you can do it sometimes. And usually every time I do, people are like, I love that outfit, I love that makeup. Oh my God, where'd you get that from? So just allow yourself to feel the discomfort, allow yourself to question yourself in a way, but that just is a process of unlearning things and kind of going through that journey. Okay, so next up is actually a new segment that I'm premiering in this episode, which is called You're Under Spells. And within this, I'm always gonna discuss something connected to the topic where I feel like if you don't change your understanding of that, you will stay under a spell that ultimately can harm you in a mental way, physical way, long-term way, all the things. Okay, so I really feel in my heart of hearts, if you are someone that stays stuck in the heteronormative ideologies, the rigid labels, the toxic masculinity, always being in competition, never really leaning into vulnerability, you will be someone that ages up and will not have community when you're older. You will be someone where people don't come visit you in the hospital. You will be someone where if you don't have a partner, you don't have friends stopping by. And I'm not trying to be negative or whatever, but there's literally studies, and I'm actually gonna share the psychology article in my description on YouTube, and I'll put it in the footnotes for the podcast. Um, but it really just walks through the dynamics of aging as a gay man. And I've talked about this on my YouTube channel way in the past, the realities of aging as a gay man, but it really talks about how we already are set up in a way where we have so much more to overcome as humans, as gay men. And then as we age, still as men are connected in ways that we are sharing insight, sharing advice, being there for each other in the ways of support. I think a lot of us tend to rely on women in our lives to be that support system, to be there for us. But I definitely think if we as gay men can keep shaking up these ideologies, keep unlearning, keep moving past these things, I definitely think that we can build the community that we want and that we can actually really feel connected with each other. I do think we are really under this spell. And the psychology article speaks to it, actually, and it speaks to why certain things happen in the gay community based on how we move and based on our lack of emotional availability, based on our lack of connection, and based on our lack of vulnerability. So I'll read the article. Okay, so moving on to Crush Crave Crash, which is always our little palette cleanser. And I don't know if I'm just behind, but there's an RB artist, Bryce Knox. I don't know if you guys heard of him, but he is so good. Like his new album, he had an album come out in February. He's RB, a beautiful black man, y'all. So if you a beautiful black man, he sings really good RB. His every song I've heard so far is just amazing. So he's my crush, Bryce Knox. I have like four songs already saved. I say this album on my playlist right now. Um, all the songs are super cute if you really are a true RB person. But he's my crush this week. Um, and he's a cutie. So I just think I definitely think check him out. Always support black music artists and black black money. So go ahead and support him. Okay, next up is gonna be my crave. And so my crave this week is yoga. I have been doing yoga on and off for the past probably like maybe like seven years. And I'll get into these modes where I'm like really into yoga, and then I'm doing hot yoga and regular yoga and all this advanced yoga, and then I fall off, and then I have a face where I'm doing like Pilates and what so I recently got back into yoga. I'm doing a 30-day challenge, I'm loving it, I'm doing it at home, and then I also have like the lowest level of class past so I can start taking yoga classes, like hot yoga and stuff again. So, really excited about that. Feeling really good and feeling feeling the benefits again from yoga. So, really loving it, and it's really just like helping me just like calm myself and just keep me where I need to be kept when it comes to my mind. So, craving getting back into yoga. And if you are yogi, if you are into yoga, let me know. Definitely love talking about yoga and just all things of yoga. And lastly, my crash this week is going to be the woman that tried to harm Rihanna and her family. I think that's just disgusting. I'm so happy that Rihanna is safe and she is not gone. But I just think that's just so scary, so traumatic. I also just think the gun violence in America is just getting out of hand where people are showing up to people's houses. I think the whole social media aspect of it all, where people are finding people's houses and letting social posts make them angry and all these things, it's just getting kooky. But I'm happy they arrested that lady. I'm happy that they are safe. But I just feel like now I was just gonna, but I just feel like the trauma's already done. I can only imagine what they feel, what they're dealing with. And I love me some Riri. I'm a big Riri fan, but she is my, even though I love Beyonce, she's like my Beyonce. Rihanna is above Beyonce for me, but I like Beyonce. I don't want to shape Beyonce, but so she's my Beyonce. So I am very sad for her and her family, and I hope they continue to be okay. So that's my crash. Okay, so to wrap it all up today, as always, I like to end with a critical question. And today's question is what's one thing about yourself you once called personality that might actually be protection? So sit with that question, drop a comment or don't. Um, but yeah, I definitely think we should really think about overall how our personalities are linked to our survival tactics and this and the things we've learned, and just really ask ourselves if that's truly who we are. Okay, so that officially wraps up today's episode. As always, stay cute, stay curious, and keep it critical.