Structure Over Status | You Didn't Choose Your Relationship — You Inherited It

Did you choose your relationship structure — or did you inherit it?
Love Unconventionally is a 4-part capsule series on Your Critical Crush exploring modern relationship dynamics, identity, and what it actually means to design love that fits your real life. Episode one named the patterns running underneath your dating life. This one expands what's possible.

In this episode, Jay Theo breaks down six relationship structures most people have never seriously considered — and many have never even heard of:
Living Apart Together — a committed partnership with separate homes, where space is a feature, not a failure

💛 LIKE YOU, LOVE YOU — The Couples Connection Game
Any two people can love each other. This is the game that helps you actually like each other again — 8 levels built on real connection science (Gottman Love Maps, attachment, love languages, nervous-system co-regulation). Fillable + printable, instant download. → https://www.etsy.com/listing/4524694080/couples-connection-game-do-you-even-like

📓 OUT TODAY — Love Unconventionally: The Reflection Workbook
The companion to this episode — audit the scripts you inherited, map what you actually desire, and design the structure that fits, including a build-your-own relationship agreement template. → [link]

🎯 FREE FOR SUBSCRIBERS — The Love Audit
Find out which of the 5 Facets is running highest in your relationship right now. It's a $7 assessment — free when you join the email list. → YourCriticalCrush.com
Your Critical Crush is a discussion-driven podcast unpacking modern relationships, identity, and emotional dynamics — specifically through the lens of a 30+ Black gay man navigating life, love, and self-awareness. New episodes drop as part of the Love Unconventionally series.

CHAPTERS
00:00 Let's Get Critical
04:13 Who This Is For
09:13 The 6 Structures: Living Apart Together
14:57 Separate Bedrooms
20:19 Ethical Non-Monogamy
32:06 Relationship Agreements
33:43 Alternatives to Marriage
36:12 Solo Polyamory / Non-Hierarchical
39:47 You're Under Spells
40:59 Crush • Crave • Crash
46:58 The Critical Question

Transcript

Let's Get Critical

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We spend so much energy trying to make a relationship work, but we never stop to ask. Work for who? Look like what? By whose definition? The problem isn't always the people. Sometimes it's the structure. This is your critical crush, where we keep it cute, candid, and connected. I'm Jay Theo and let's get critical. Okay, guys, I'm back. I know I was away again. I have been like going crazy. I've been just starting my own business and just doing so many things and um going in so many different avenues. Uh it's just been a lot. So it's just been taking up a lot more time than I anticipated, but this is really important to me. This show, our discussion. So I am back. We are here. Let's get into it. So continuing on from our last episode, we are in episode two of our Love Unconventionally series. And today's episode is called Structure over Status. And what I really want us to get from this episode, and really what I want to offer from this episode, is not to prescribe anything to you, not to force you to try anything, but for us to kind of look at how we look at our place in our own relationships, how we can look at that differently. And this is just a catalyst for deeper discussions I want to have later on this podcast, where we're just more curious with ourselves, where we build more of an inquisitive vibe personally. Because I think you grow so much when you do so much self-discovery. And so you do so much work within yourself and you do so much looking at yourself and being critical of yourself. And being self-critical isn't always in a bad way. Sometimes it's literally just taking the time to be critical about yourself. Like, what do you actually want? What really makes you happy? What really gets you upset? What really triggers you? Like, you know, really just sitting down and having those conversations with yourself. And yes, having those actual conversations with yourself. I am someone I talk to myself. I've read many books that say the people that talk to themselves, they're putting the words out there in the atmosphere. They are owning confidence. So own it. Like, but you should be able to have, if it's not talking directly to yourself, journaling, you should be communicating with yourself in some way to acknowledge the awareness that you have of yourself. And I think that's where you can start having these more dynamic discussions about what you really want or what really matters to you because you have a better understanding of yourself. So that's my little look within yourself, um, be more inquisitive of yourself, intro and have an introspection moment. So that kind of is where the core of this episode is. But obviously, we're gonna be talking about relationships, and I'm really gonna kind of talk through the different ways we can look at them and also it's like, where did we even get the idea for what our relationships are? So, just to reiterate, this discussion today is it's not about pushing anyone to change the relationship, it's about expanding awareness of what's actually possible and kind of adding to that curiosity lane and that critical lane, you know, of thinking and just being more open to what you didn't even know you weren't open to. Um, and just even and not just things, just like thought processes and ideologies. I think there's a lot of ways we can be curious in this world. And it's not always doing something, it's also just kind of thinking or considering, even just considering something. And ultimately, having awareness of lots of things, lots of information gives you a lot more options, a lot more decisions you can make. And that's why I'm a big person. I love learning, I love reading, I love research, I love articles, I like gaining information because the more information you have, the more options, the more understanding, the more choices you have for yourself. And I think a lot of people think that uh intelligence is always just about, you know, knowing something and being better than someone. It's like I like to look into things and gain insight because I like having more options in this world and more understanding of the things in this world. And it really is as simple as that. More knowledge is more power, more power, just more options, it's more things to consider, it's more, more things that you can think of. And some people may see that as a burden, but I see that as like it's adding to your visibility. You see more, which, you know, some can say can be a curse too, but I'd rather know what's going on, I'm sorry, than not know what's going on. I can't, I've never been an ignorance is bliss type of person. So, with all that being said, if you're in a relationship, this might reframe something you've been struggling to name. If you're single, this might help you get clearer on what you like actually want before you really build into something

Who This Is For

SPEAKER_00 4:13

new, which you know, this is a reason why I get so heavy into all of this. And people probably think like he's single, he's always talking about relationships, always talking about dating. But I like to know all the ins and outs because I want to make the best choice for myself. And, you know, and with all the information I know, sometimes I'm like, I want a relationship. Sometimes I was like, do I? Sometimes I like, you know, it's it's it's not something that I'm very static on when it comes to dating relationships. And I'm starting to become more okay with that. Like I'm starting to become more okay with the fact that like sometimes I may want to do this and sometimes I may not, or sometimes I'm just not in the headspace to do it. And just being aware also of Jay and just knowing that I don't have the capacity to be there in the way that somebody would want me to be there for them in a relationship. I just think also knowing that and knowing how people operate in relationships. And I think there's a lot that you, I think there's a lot of ways you can take a stance for yourself that doesn't have to be definite and or doesn't have to be like I 100% no A, B, C, D, E, F, G. I think there's ways to be, um, I think there's ways to make decisions in this world that can still be kind of like I don't know, or I'm not sure, or it just depends. And I think I'm kind of all of those right now when it comes to my own situation. I feel like it's sometimes it's like it just depends because I'm kind of like trying to build my own like um business right now. And also just like I I'm very anal how I do things, so I'm very critical of how I do things. Also, I'm just very anal how I do things, so I just know that I'm taking more time and I'm very diligent that I just know that I'm gonna take even more time than someone else um to start something because I'm just a very diligent person, so I just know that I may not have the time for it. So kind of just like for me, it's like it just depends, I guess, if I feel like I have more time, you know, and that's an example. And then sometimes I like I do like my alone time. So sometimes I'm like, do I really want some boy in my house all the time? Or do I really want somebody to be arguing with me about something I don't really care about? You know what I'm saying? Or do I really want to deal with somebody's jealousy and things like that? Sometimes I'm just like, I just it really is just like a passive, like I just don't, you know. But then some days, you know, and then you're on the couch and you want to cuddle and you're, you know, watch a romance and a movie or something and you're in your feelings. I can't say I'm not both. I can't say I don't love love and the idea of love and all that, but I noticed when I deep dive more into relationships and love. And this is me like reading relationships book and books and love books and like all these things, and you know, and even just gaining insight from people and just, you know, just observing the world because the world teaches you a lot of things by just looking at what's going on. And I think a lot of us would be a lot more well off if we just looked and paid attention to the examples before us, you know, but that was a conversation for another day. But um, I think just me being able to kind of be the single person and see all these things from like so many different angles, I feel like it sets me up to be more like, okay, I really, really know what I will want in a relationship or what I wouldn't tolerate. And if I'm not seeing what I want, then I just won't be in it kind of thing. So hopefully that kind of makes sense. But that's kind of like my way of thinking it. And then, and lastly, I know I ramble. If you're happy with what you have in your relationship or your situationship or whatever it is, you know, good. This this episode might just confirm why. And that's just it's validating when you learn and something that is it confirms your way of thinking or confirms your way of living or your way of vibing. That's always a good feeling in itself. I love being validated. You know, it's always one of my okay, I'm glad I'm not crazy. I always need to say that when somebody validates me, it's like it feels good. So, you know, maybe that'll be a moment for you. Okay, so so now moving on, y'all, to talk you through it where we dive a little bit deeper into the episode's topic. So, since this series is called Love Unconventionally, I'm going to be breaking down six different structures that I feel like people should be aware of that they can consider. And I'm gonna offer from my perspective, this is my perspective, um, also, you know, experiences I've had, also just therapy, all the things I'm gonna offer and just research I've done. I'm gonna offer like my pros and cons of these relationships and also research pros and cons. So, this is also like a research and my thought process on why some of these will be there be pros and cons. And I think everybody has to think about what works for them. And regardless, if you lean into any of these structures, if you're like, oh yeah, no, I still think there's nuggets in each one that offer some type of new viewpoint on relationships. And I think that's the value that this can hold. And that's why I talk about this all the time. That I um and all these things aren't gonna be about poly, but uh this poly, this book called Polly Secure that I talk about all the time. And I always push people to read it, even if they're just in a monogamous relationship, because you learn a lot about how people consider relationships in such a broad way, and also you understand the heavy dynamics that come with being in open relationships and stuff, that it just makes the communication easier within a monogamous relationship.

The 6 Structures: Living Apart Together

SPEAKER_00 9:13

That's my little thought there. Okay, so the first structure is living apart together. Some people call that LAT. So this is when a committed partnership, you know, they live in separate homes and they see space as a feature and not really a failure. And which I think is really cool because a lot of the times when you are in close quarters with somebody a lot and you're making decisions about very mundane things, like those little things become the problem in a relationship. And I can say that even from like roommate situations where it's like, I would be friends, still friends with this person if we weren't talking about the air conditioning bill or being loud when her boyfriend was over, whatever the case is. You know, it's those things that I feel like can mountain and sometimes make a situation what it wouldn't have been if the situation wasn't that. That makes sense. So, and this is stats. Most um living apart-together relationship couples report some of the highest relationship satisfaction rates out there. Uh, and most people have never even heard of it. So the pros are you preserve your individuality, your identity, especially with like bedrooms and stuff in your own house and your own apartment. Like you get to cultivate that own identity instead of trying to merge it with somebody else, which I always thought, like, how would I do that with like how with decorating and stuff like that with a guy? Because I just know the things I like. And, you know, so you get to preserve that. Uh togetherness stays intentional. So it's like when you guys link up, when you go on dates, when you have sleepovers, when you're, you know, when you're vibing, when you're on vacation, it's very intentional. And it's also like when you guys have the capacity to meet, you know, typically because you're making time to meet or you're scheduling it and you're putting it in a place that's convenient for you, you know. Also reduces frictions from incompatible rhythms because we all have days where, like, you know, I work later because something happened at work, or they got off early, or I have to do this thing, or you're cooking when I'm trying to cook, whatever. It's things where it's like our rhythm could be shaken up and now it causes all these problems. But if you live by yourself, you just come home, your home's your home. You know what I'm saying? Or you you come home, you don't have to worry if your partner didn't get off work on time because you they you're supposed to cook for you or whatever. You know what I'm saying? Like I feel like these little factors don't pop up that can make it just day-to-day life a lot, just more. I don't want to say easier, but just like, I don't know, just I want to say peaceful because it's not, I'm not trying to say people that live up together are just always in mayhem, but just frictionless, just less friction and less discussions about stuff that really don't matter. And lastly, a pro is that it just works well for established, like independent people. Like I am a very independent person, I've always been that way. I thrive in that. I also like me time a lot. I like alone time. And I feel like as I'm getting older, even though I'm a very extroverted person, I'm just valuing like being in my own thoughts and my own time a lot more because as you get older, and I'm sure other people could attest to this, is that you know, you start realizing that every time everything somebody has to say doesn't is not something you want to hear. And, you know, and that's just it is what it is. I just sometimes just find more peace just in my own thoughts and thinking about things myself than hearing somebody debate me or want to debate me. A lot of people don't know how to have conversations. So for me too, it's like I just think sometimes just not dealing with that is just easier than trying to explain yourself or trying to defend yourself or just even feeling you that you need to. Because one thing I will say, y'all, I don't really if I gotta defend myself or explain something too much, it's this is not even just dating in general, or you want to come back, combat everything I say just to like prove something, I just don't care. I'm just gonna go. I used to be into all that when I was younger and it used to stress me out. And I always used to be like, but why do I even care to try to convince them of something? So, and I just know when I've dated men, they always love doing that. So it's just nice just not not deal with that, you know. So I could see how that could play out also like with somebody who's more independent, and you both are independent, you both kind of just have your, you know, your way, you, your views, and it's not always like triggering and combative. Okay, and some cons are, you know, it really, really does require clear communication about expectations. And that's one thing I I just think a lot of people just don't do in general, is just talk about expectations or, you know, what they think they want to happen or what they, you know, I just like sometimes people are just in a mystery void, and I get you don't want to always tell people how to treat you and how to do things and stuff. But I also think there's a portion of it where people just don't know. Like you can't expect somebody to know all about you and know how you move and get mad at them when they don't move in the way that you move. And I I've seen that happen a lot where people really think because they're dating them that they're supposed to know these things or moving this way, and it's like, you didn't say it, girl. Or you didn't explain it. People can't you can't expect somebody to read your mind. Um other things are just the social pressure of people telling you to get together, to stay together. How could you? Oh my God, you know, how could how could you not want to be in the same bed every night? Things like that. So you have to deal with that, and that does create extra friction, especially with family members, to probably think that you guys aren't serious. Uh so I definitely can see that playing out in like a toxic way with family and friends that constantly bring that up. But I also can see that being that they're just jealous or that they're just projecting if they may be not happy in their own situation, because why do you care what somebody else is doing if that works for them? And yet again, that's how I always go back to there's eight billion people on this planet, but I don't know why everybody thinks we're supposed to be the same. It's the weirdest thing to me. It's the weirdest thing, y'all. I remember talking to my friend about this in college where I'm just like, it's literally eight billion. At the time, maybe it was seven billion. Seven to eight billion people on this planet. Everybody thinks we're supposed to be like each other. We're

Separate Bedrooms

SPEAKER_00 14:57

supposed to date like each other, marry like each other, like work like each other. Like, you know, everybody just thinks we're just supposed to do everything the same. It's just like so odd to me. All these brains. But I digress. Okay, so the next structure is separate bedrooms. So that's like a step, I would say, below living apart together, or maybe the step right before. I guess you can look at it that way as well. So, you know, this, but not a and and I want to preface this by saying separate bedrooms that are not a symptom, they are a choice. So, not you guys being like, oh, we need separate bedrooms because whatever, whatever, whatever. It's like you guys actually choose that, okay, we're gonna use separate bedrooms and we we value our independence, we value our loan time. And not saying you never could progress it that way after being with your partner and realizing that we could use separate bedrooms, but a lot of times I feel like when people are in separate bedrooms in that way, it's like you're gonna break up. And or somebody doesn't, or somebody wants to be in the bedroom together and the other person doesn't, which I feel like that's still a disconnect. So just wanted to say that. Uh and it really kind of reframes sleeping together, you know, as intentional and not um an obligation. Because at the end of the day, y'all, we all are humans. We all need sleep. And I know for me, like I am a very light sleeper. I'm also kind of an insomnia a little bit, uh stay up late. Uh I just did a lot of things that I do that somebody wouldn't like sleeping-wise. And I even though I like to cuddle, I don't like to cuddle very long. Men get really hot and sweaty. I hate snores. Like I used to get advice to my brother about snoring because he snores so loud and he has a sleep thing, which I feel bad about. But either way, I just can't do the snoring. If you snore, it's fine. Just do it in your room, you know? And I feel like I just feel like those intimate times could be the intimate times. It could be us watch a movie, it could cuddle and we can still have, we can still sleep in each other's beds sometimes too. It's not like you have to just be against it. But it's just like knowing that you have that space and knowing that you have that room and that that person understands why you have that space and why you need to have that space. And like, and also just having that individuality again, being able to decorate and have things in your room that you like or things that you like to do. I feel like it just keeps that separation of we are two separate humans, which I think gets lost a lot of times in relationships, especially in marriages. I think that separation just really gets lost. And you know, the pros are, you know, better sleep quality. It, you know, a lot of people they report that, you know, their sleep quality um dropped when they got in relationships. So I mean it's a thing. And it just removes that resentment around sleeping compatibility in general. So it just removes that whole layer. It also respects neurodivergent needs, sensory differences, health, you know. So I feel like, you know, it destigmatizes that, especially in a long-term relationship where people may think that you move a type of way or you're doing something, but and to irritate them or something when it's just may just be like how you move through the world and how they don't move through the world. And even if you aren't neurodivergent, I think there's still just ways people operate that sometimes it's like you just don't get it. And I don't really feel like having to explain it all, you know what I'm saying? Or like it's just who I am, kind of thing. It's just who I am. And I think people forget that like we can have little, you know, quarks or things that we do that is just how we do it, you know? Okay, so some cons to acknowledge is that there really does need to be intentional effort to maintain your physical closeness. Like, you know, if you guys are, you know, sleeping in separate bedrooms and you're always reading separately and watching TV separately or something, if it gets to the point where, you know, you really have to make sure that you guys are still making an effort to be physical, to be close with each other, and that it's not really starting to feel like roommates. So that's something to consider. And it just really um requires really honest like framing so that it doesn't come off like you're being trying to be avoidant. I I think it which is sad and kind of unfortunate, but I think for a lot of people in relationships, they do think their partner is supposed to be around them, like 24-7, or their partner is supposed to want to breathe every drop of air that they're around, or they that they need to be locked onto them all night and all day. So, and I'm and I'm saying that in a hyperbole kind of way, an extreme kind of way, but I think even in little ways, people be feeling that, and something like this can really upset someone if they're not on the same page. So I definitely think that that could be a component of it. So yeah. But that's where I kind of think it goes back to like, you know, date somebody that's like you, where it's like they're independent, you're independent. Because that's a bigger thing for me. Like, I don't really, it's not even against guys dating. I just don't like needy people in general. I don't like super needy friends, and not even a way of like you can't call actually for advice or vice versa. I don't like people that are always just in like situations where they need like assistance or help all the time, where it's like this is getting exhausting. And I don't know normal friend stuff. Some people take it to a very extreme where they're always in some mess and it's like always stuff going on. And it's like, I just I can't. And some men are like that when you date them, or they just want you to be like their husband instantly, um, or a wife, and want you to just help and do everything. And it's like, sir, uh, we're dating. So I think that's a component of it. And I think a lot of people don't understand that, don't separate that. And I think it has a lot to do with how a lot of us were raised, unfortunately. Yeah, so I think those are some of the cons. And also, same thing, family outside people may interfere and may try to tell you how to be and how what the real signs are, why you guys aren't sleeping in the same bed, all these things.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

SPEAKER_00 20:19

But when it always goes back to do what's best for you, do what you guys are the most intimate parts of your relationship. You guys know the most. So stick to that knowledge. Okay, so the next characteristic is ethical nominogamy in its umbrella form. So, ethical nominogamy, as we know, it is basically you know, an umbrella term for like open relationships, open marriage, monogamy. There's a bunch of other terms. And, you know, and you and you want to know what the funny thing is about ethical non monogamy, is that it requires more self-knowledge than monogamy, not less. And I feel like a lot of people think it's the easy option. And I'm not saying that it doesn't have this like sexual component that I think people get really excited about, but as far as communicating with people, as far as dealing with jealousy, as far as understanding where somebody sits in your life or in your relationship, also managing, you know, the hierarchies sometimes within these types of dynamics and also just people getting closer, people not being as close, somebody feeling left out, all these things. So many things I can cultivate in ethical non-monogamy relationship, and also just the time. Like if you have two girlfriends, you're managing two girlfriends, two house, two families, two, you know, like like it's just a lot. And I think people forget even in their schedule, it could be pretty demanding. So, you know, that with so I mean it's not easy. Uh just want to say that. People think it is, and especially if you are very aware and you are very knowledgeable about your uh relationship type, then I think you are also very more, much more aware that it's not easy. So, some of the pros though are you know, your different needs are met without decisions. So you're being fully transparent. Like you're being fully transparent. You're letting somebody know what your needs are. You guys are discussing it. And not saying that you guys aren't going to have boundaries, not that you guys aren't going to have rules, or you guys are going to have things that you will not do or will not tolerate. But at least the partner you guys give room to ask and discuss it. Because I think a lot of times the resentment that happens in a lot of relationships is that people don't discuss something and they know they think their partner's going to be not going to be cool with it, or they maybe they know their partner's not going to be cool with it, but then they get mad at their partner and the partner didn't even know that they were thinking this or that that this was a consideration that they were thinking about, you know? And I don't think that's fair. So I do think that it's a big positive, is that it really allows you to really put everything on the table and move without deception and really have like real honest conversations about what's happening in your marriage or relationship that I think uh I think most of the time goes unsaid or not said or just is interpreted or assumed. And with that, obviously it's going to build those extraordinary communication skills. You are asking questions, you are being curious, you are following up, you are making sure somebody's okay, you are determining what that person allows and what it doesn't allow, what rules you guys have. It's a constant communication to make sure that you guys are understanding of each other if you guys really do have that strong connection with each other. Also, a lot of times I have read this in books, I've heard this too from people in uh open relationships. They actually say it deepens their primary relationship because they see the value more so in who that person is outside of like sex and like physical stuff, maybe, or outside of just wanting extra people. That person starts to value that person more what they actually offer compared to other people. So it offers that positivity sometimes, you know, which I can definitely understand that. Okay, y'all. Also, it removes the pressure for one person to be everything. Like, we cannot be everything to one person. You could not be somebody's best friend, their boyfriend, their their therapist, their their um jokester, their, you know what I'm saying? You cannot be everything for everybody. And everybody should have their own village. Like you should have friends, family, parents, girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever, everybody else to help you in your time of need, obviously, therapists, if you can afford that. But we should all have a village. And I think a lot of times in relationships, people actually isolate the village. And, you know, we live in a country that's very big on nuclear family and like anti-community. So I we've definitely dealt with a lot of that. But I actually think community and actually being able to talk to other people about your relationship is actually valuable because you actually get to see other people's perspective when you're in something. You don't always get to see it in a holistic way. And I think people, a lot of people in marriage, like you don't share things in your marriage. And I get that every relationship can have its intimate moments and intimate secrets. I'm not saying you share everything, obviously, but I do think that there's value in you discussing maybe an issue or a concern you have about your partner with someone else that's not your partner. And I think that gets lost a lot of times in uh monogamous relationships. And I think when it comes to these relationships, like you saw you already have other people involved. So it just like, you know, it removes that pressure for A to not let people in, and B, that it just removes that instant pressure automatically, where it's like, I know I don't have to be everything, or I know that we can talk about somebody else being the thing that they need. And people always think that it's just sex, but I think this can go deep into like just even like I like to play basketball, you don't. And I like going to basketball games, you don't. I need a basketball buddy. You know what I'm saying? Little things like that, because some people really do think you're supposed to be on your partner all the time, and it's like, girl, I want to do other stuff and you don't like that. So be okay with me hanging out with somebody else that likes that, you know? And it's just highly customizable. I I think that's one thing for me where I like really started learning about ethical non-monogamy, is just learning how to it's just unlearning my brain about how we cannot customize our lives and how we cannot customize our relationships or our dynamics or what we need as a person. And that's where, you know, it always goes back to what I said. Like there's eight billion people. Like, I feel like I that sticks in my brain so much more now where it's just like we can all be so different. We do all not have to be alike, we all don't have to move the same, and we all are different, we all shouldn't be moving the same. And a lot of these things are social constructs and are not even natural, and not saying that it can't be a part of your norm, but that doesn't mean they have to be a part of somebody else's norm. So I think it's really cool that, you know, off bat, like being considered ethical non-monogamy, like it's very customizable. And I think it also is something that you constantly are curious in because you learn more and more about how dynamics can be and like the rules of certain relationship dynamics. And it's like that you can get really deep and like really specific into certain ways people move in relationships. And it just really opens that door to where it's like we can have a discussion about like how we want to manage things, how we want to deal with things, how we want to see each other, how often we want to like I feel like it just creates that more like this is us and nobody else is in our world but us, as far as like who determines your relationship structure. So yeah, and that's why I mean a lot of people think like, oh, when I say I'm I'm open to ethical economically, I just want to be a hoe and I just want to sleep with everybody. It's like I actually really am more like a monogamish or like open relationship max, where it's just like I have my primary partner, my goal. And like we, you know, on vacation, we hook up, or you know, or maybe just every once in a while we hook up, or if we're just not in the mood, because I'm the type of person I'm not hooking up with you every day, not doing that. So people that that want that, it's not I'm not doing that. So that's a main reason why I'm also being into ethical nominogamy is because I don't always want to have sex every day and I actually like sex, but I just don't want to have it every day. So if that's something you need, then go get it, go get it. I'm also just not a jealous person because I feel like if you want me, you want me. If you in my face, you in my face, that means you want me. Also, I know that I'm I offer a lot as a person. And if you feel somebody else can give you more, go ahead. I'm very much like you're released. Like I don't really see partners as possessions. And I think that's why a big reason why I have a hard time dating is that I see people as like we're people, we're dating, we like each other, we're intentional, we're choosing each other, but I'm not gonna stop you from doing anything you want to do. Like, if that's what you want to do, that's what you want to do. I'm not I don't possess you, I don't own you. Um that's why I really like the term partner over a husband or wife, because it just sounds like you own somebody. That's my husband, my wife, you know? So yeah, and a lot of people get mad when you're when I'm just like, you know, that's what you want to do. And it's like people want you to get jealous, people want you to get upset. But it's like, even if someone has those feelings, one thing I'll always say is people are gonna do what they want to do. My family always used to say that. And and I really feel that way. People are always gonna do what they want to do. If he wants to sleep with somebody else, he is. If he feels like somebody can offer him more or she, they will. Like, we've seen enough cheaters, and I'm not even doing cheating. It's like if somebody doesn't like the way you explain to them, because even other things happen in relationships. Somebody may not like the way I explained or gave them advice to do something, or I don't know, suggested and they did it the opposite. They go, if that's what you want to do, you know. Like, I I don't see, like, I'm not saying I'll never get upset about things like that, but I'm learning over the years that I don't, I'm learning not to get upset about that. Most of the time when I've even given advice, I'm like, I'm prefacing this. Do you want it? You know, you're gonna do what you want to do, you know? And I think when you release that for yourself, it releases a lot of stress and it allows you to honestly see them more as a human and to humanize your person. And you just see them as someone who has the autonomy to do what they want to do because they can. And I think that allows you to feel that way about yourself. And I'm not saying you in a partnership can't have like process or processes or routines or expectations that you talk about when it comes to like, I don't know, coming home late or not being out all night, things like that. That could become a little odd. But I always thought it was weird when I'm like hanging out with somebody, or not weird, just interesting, I guess. When hanging out with somebody and they're like, oh, my boyfriend says I have to go home right now or I have to leave right now. Um they're telling me I have to leave or I can't be here. When people have told me stuff like that, I'm like, so your partner tells you where you can go, what you can't do. Like I that to me is just always like, I don't get it. You know, they may be upset you're somewhere or they may not be happy about it. That's one thing, but they're not gonna tell me where I need to be. It's my my decision if I feel like this is affecting our relationship that much, I'm gonna go. But the I don't know, the telling people what to do, the parenting people, never sat well with me. But everybody's different, like I said. So if that if that works for you, it works for you. I'm not trying to like yuck anybody's young. So let me take that back. I'm trying to be open-minded and tell you guys to be open-minded. But yeah, like I just think that we're still our our own individual beings, is all I'm trying to say. Some cons to acknowledge here. Um some cons to acknowledge here is that you know, definitely like jealousy and comparisons happen. This is something that you read in books about poly, about ethical non-monogamy, they talk about it. It is not something that disappears. Some people still really have these issues and they need to discuss them, or they don't think they'll have these issues, and then some some person will light these issues. So I think it's always a constant checking in. Like you don't know what you don't know. And a lot of us are experiencing these new type of relationships or just these thoughts of it for the first time. So we should be really willing and open to people changing and shifting and altering. And like I said earlier, we're not always static. Like, and I think that's why having ongoing conversations and building an ongoing, evolving, safe place for your partner is valuable. No, because we're all, we're not, if you're not changing, you're dying. So we're all growing, evolving, changing, shifting. So always having conversations to check in and make sure people are okay and just seeing how you can fix that problem is key and just working to fix that problem. I think that's that those are ways you grow closer as a partnership, I think, in these tyrodynamics because you realize are really like, okay, you're feeling jealous, like, how can I help you work through this? Or like, if you don't really want me to talk to them, can you explain to me why? Maybe we can make some rules about who I can talk to or what makes you feel comfortable. I want to make sure you feel comfortable. Because if there's love there, then there's gonna be that that bond of like really wanting to secure and make each other feel secure. So I think that's kind of how it like layers on that extra level of bonding. Okay,

Relationship Agreements

SPEAKER_00 32:06

so next up is relationship agreements. And this is just like the explicit, revisable, like built-in, not assumed structures of your relationship. And kind of just what I just said. Like, you know, actually speaking through and having knowledge and like actually listening to each other and building out what are our agreements in our relationship. Because I think they most relationships they run on unspoken assumptions inherited from people who would who never even examine them. So it's like, I'm assuming something about you that my mom told me about men when I was in seventh grade. You know, it's like, girl, like like say it. So I think just kind of always approaching a relationship as if like, not like they're a baby, but I just really believe in crystal clear communication. Like when I was a manager, when I was a buyer, I had assistants other me, um, and just associate buyers under me and interns, I always gave just very, very clear instructions, like very specific. I say very specific because clear can be subjective, but I would just really outline exactly what I want them to do, let them know they always can follow up, ask my questions, but I always just wanted to be very clear because I noticed at work when you're very clear, you have less problems. And when I had bosses that were not clear, that's when I had issues. So, and I you learned that really quickly. And it makes your day so much easier when you just make things crystal clear, like no like mystery. And I don't think, and that's the one thing about life. A lot of people like mystery and like coyness and vagueness. And I also learned a lot about that in improv classes that you it's no room to be coy. We need to get to the joke, we need to get to the funny, the audience needs to know what's going on, do not be coy. So that's one thing I really learned in taking all these improv classes that being coy is actually like a handicap, and you see it play out a lot in

Alternatives to Marriage

SPEAKER_00 33:43

life. So, okay, so the next one up is alternatives to marriage. So a lot of people may not be aware of these, where it's like so many other ways that you can like have some legal binding protections that don't require marriage. Commitment ceremonies, domestic partnerships, cohabitation agreements. Because at the end of the day, and this is something I'm so glad I finally learned, you can be deeply committed to a person without being committed to them through institution and through the government, like of all things, at the end of the day. And it's a no-shade to marriage and the sanctions of marriage, all that stuff. Because I don't know, I still go, I may get married legally one day. But it's more so the fact that like I don't lead with that. Like I lead with the fact more like I just want to find my lover, my man, my partner, the person that we're gonna vibe and have a good time and we enjoy each other's company versus me getting married. And I'm there's a lot of people out there that never got married, and they be in some of the longest, most fun, most cutest relationships. So I think there's something there. And also, I just think divorces get so crazy, and you never know somebody, how somebody's gonna be after you divorce them or after you guys aren't together anymore. And I just think that's just sometimes just scary to what could come out after that for me. And that's why I think there's people should always consider other options to marriage and not just be so locked in that it has to be this thing. So some of the pros is that you know the commitment is truly defined by the people that are in it, you two or three or four. It removes that traditional marriage pressure, which there are a lot of traditional stereotypes and expectations in marriage. And even though we're in 2026, a lot of them are coming back, and it's not even just in straight world, it's in gay world too. There's a lot of expect expectations based on the heteronormative aspect of marriage. You can allow your ceremonies and rituals to vibe without the legal piece and having to get a marriage license and all that stress that comes with that. And honestly, it's just especially relevant for queer people, people who are not as accepted in our world, who people may see their marriage is ugh, whatever. It just creates this space where it's like, I know that I kind of can still can create this legal protection for myself, or I can take the steps to make sure that you know we we are committed. And yeah, obviously the cons to non's, there are, you know, very specific and usually very more valuable marriages. There also is very specific and certain valuable aspects of being legally married to somebody. So, you know, you have to really look into that and see what applies to you. I think it should just be a very more intimate, personal situation that you really look into

Solo Polyamory / Non-Hierarchical

SPEAKER_00 36:12

what's yourself, what what is it that you need legally that would need a marriage for, or if the other options can offer that. Okay, so lastly, okay, so lastly, and our our uh structure breakdown here is the solo polyamory or non-hierarchical. So this actually who who my ex was. We found out when we started um dating and he wanted to be in an open relationship, poly, and then he made me read the book that I quote all the time polysecure. And I learned that that's this was even a thing. So basically, you know, solo poly solo polyamory and non-hierarchical, you know, it's basically like you kind of like you're in relationships with other people, but you're the priority basically. And the non-hierarchical is like you just don't have a hierarchy on the on the relationship that you have. So nobody's like higher than the other. And that didn't work for me. So yeah, I it just didn't work. And we didn't find that out until we both read the book after I pushed in the read the book. But we had a misalignment, we were not looking to the same type of poly. I wanted monogamous open relationship or open marriage, and he wanted non-hierarchical. I mean, I think he also wanted solely polyamory. And yet again, for me, and this is like a big thing for me, it wasn't even like I judge it. Like, if you want to do that, that's fine. And hey, we're all our first best friend, our first lover, our first everything. I don't, I don't mind you kind of putting yourself first. My thing was just that I just don't like managing that many people. And I don't, that's the type of jealousy I will get. Like, I need to know you are my man, we're the top two in this relationship as far as like hierarchy goes, and that's that on that. Like, and I don't really want you having other boyfriends, it's more you can hook up with them. Like, I don't want no deep connection type stuff. Um, just because I just don't feel like dealing with the other person and the jealousy. Like, I just know how people get, I just don't really want drama. That's really the big thing for me, and the time it takes to develop those type of relationships on top of it. Okay, so the pros here are you know, deep personal autonomy, it's all about you. You you it's you you are leading things, you are, you know, for yourself. There's nobody enforcing things on you, and you get to really control that. Um, there's no force hierarchy among connections, so you kind of manage jealousy in a different way, and you kind of can like talk people through or just kind of guide people in a in a way that's just more, you know, I guess loose because you know, there isn't a hierarchy, and and it requires really strong self-knowledge. So if you're really someone who's really knowledgeable about yourself and understand who you are, you know, it's great. And it removes the whole you complete me dynamic entirely because that person basically saying, like, there's not one person that completes me, none of y'all, like, you know, I complete me, which I think that's just how we should really look at it in this way. So, see, this is how we can learn look at all these different aspects and learn certain things. Like, I think there's things you can take from all these different structures and not shift your whole coupleship and marriage and all these things up, but it's little things that you can take that are like, oh, I never thought about like that. Oh, maybe we should have a conversation about this, or oh, you know, I think they're just little nuggets. So, and that's how I felt when I read the book Polysecure. I was like, wow, there's so many nuggets about just being a better person in relationships in general, even family. It was talking about all those types of things in that book. So just saying, don't knock it till you learn it. Real quick, let's be real. None of these dynamics work if you can't do one simple thing. Know your person. People can't read your mind, and you can't read theirs. That's why I made Like You Love You. A couple's connection game asking, you love each other, but do you even like each other? Eight levels, playful to deep, and a guessing game that will humble you. Curiosity is a superpower. Your critical crush on Etsy. Link is in the show notes. Back to it. Okay,

You're Under Spells

SPEAKER_00 39:47

guys, now we're on to you're under spells, which is a segment that I talk about spells that we are under that deals with this week's topic. Okay, so spell one, status that success. The relationship escalator, it spells us into measuring progress by milestones, not by joy, fit, or actual design. And usually we're not moving forward often means we're not following someone else's timeline. Spell number two, the legitimacy spell. Does it look normal as a measure of whether love is real? Structures that work but don't look conventional get dismissed often by the people inside them before they ever really try. Spell number three, monogamy as default. Monogamy is not the problem. The unconscious assumption of it is a structure you inherit is completely different from a structure you consciously design, even if they look identical from the outside. Okay, so sit with that. No, I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on all those spells. I definitely think they basically sums up why I feel this topic is so important and why it pays to just be curious. And like I said, nobody's forcing any of us to do anything, but having more awareness is always valuable.

Crush • Crave • Crash

SPEAKER_00 40:59

Okay, on to Crush Crave Crash, which is a little palette cleanser. Each episode where I talk about the things I like, love, and are getting on my nerves. So my crush for the week is going to be just the LGBTQ community. Happy Pride to everyone. It is Pride Month and we are here. We are queer. Nobody's stopping us from doing a damn thing. So shout out to all y'all beautiful people out there doing your thing, not letting this world stop you from chasing your dreams, being a full human, experiencing life. We deserve to be on this planet just like anybody else. Anybody that makes you feel otherwise is disgusting and a bigot. So yeah, happy prize to everybody. I I love all y'all. Hope you guys have safe prize, be safe, you know, drink water, all the things, but have fun. Yeah. So I love my LGBTQ people. And you know, I know it's tough for us right now, but we, you know, we're resilient and we we are a lot smarter than a lot of people think we are, which is funny because we're really highly highly educated. But anywho, we got this. So happy pride to all you beautiful people out there. Okay. Okay, y'all. So my crave has to be. So, y'all, I'm a big Sims fan growing up. I played all the way up to Sims 3. I didn't get into Sims 4. That's when I was like, I want to say I was like a working adult, and I was like starting my career. I didn't have the time. I think I might have tried to play it, but didn't have the time. So, but I have been waiting for Paralys to come out. Like I've been following it on YouTube here and there for the years, and I'm so excited that I can finally play it on my new computer, by the way, that I'm loving. But yeah, I'm loving it so far, and it's fun. It's cute. I think the style is cute. I think it's a vibe. I think for me, it goes at a pace that I think matches my energy right now. I think sometimes when it came to the Sims and just other games, like I'm a big, I was a big gamer back in the day, but I have like so many PS5 games I don't even play just because there's so much you gotta do. It's like the battle system, and then it's like the side quest and the main quest and all that. And it's just like I like a simulation. Go use the bathroom, go cook, go on a date, go flirt, go make a baby. Like I, and there's deeper things going on in Paralyzed. There's really cool stuff actually. I've been doing more research and watching more videos that you can do with your pair. But I just think that it's just more my type of game at my age. And I'm just curious if anybody else, like as they've gotten older when it comes to gaming, like you realize what games you really have the tolerance for, which ones you don't. Like, y'all, I've tried to play Metal Gear Solid, the remake. I have I didn't get past the first like 20 minutes. I'm like, I can't do this. So and I have moments, but yeah, y'all, the game, the video games, it's just just they just be a they be a lot, maybe a lot. So I'm super excited for Paralyze to be here. Um, cannot wait to see how it progresses as it becomes a full blown game and you know, early access is over. But yeah, I'm I'm loving it so far. I've been trying to convince people to get on it. Um, yeah, so paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed. I also will be making some digital content for Paralyze. So definitely check out my Etsy shop this week to check it out. Uh, don't want to plug too much on this episode though, but check it out. Okay, so with so many crashes this week that I, you know, I'm like, I don't, where do I start? But I would say the one to just stay off politics, I'll say the one that's the most annoying. The fullest summer house reunion is a crash to me. Sierra is doing her big one here and there. And, you know, black people in general are doing what they need to do on the union and Lindsay. But overall, I just feel like they really are coddling Amanda and giving her this cute, sincere edit. Girl, you fucked my ex. Like, I don't know. And you're a married and you cheat. I don't know why they keep saying she didn't cheat, girl. You cheated on your husband. I don't, I don't know what we're acting, why we're acting like you're not, you didn't fuck that man before. He knew. So you cheated and you fucked your friend's ex. I don't know why you get any type of sympathy, why you get talking too soft, why you get to walk off stage and be gone forever. Y'all, just a mess. And Andy, I'll tell you, like, Andy, I he don't do it for me, y'all. I like Bravo shows and everything, but if he's always gonna be the reunion host, I don't really know if I'm even gonna be able to stay interested. This is probably one of the best like drama type of things you could have for a reunion. And he felt super flat. Why are we not holding this little girl accountable? Why can't people be angry at her? Why aren't you angry at her? Why aren't you being like, you don't think it's wrong for you to be for you to sleep with your friend who you confided in for years about this man? I'm sure she told you things that may would make you not want to date him. Like you're disgusting. Not saying the disgusting part, but you know what I'm saying? Like, give her the energy, like your your your morals are all over the place. But you couldn't do that, Andy. That's why I think a 60-something-year-old man should not be hosting a 30-plus-year-old reunion. You're twice our age. Like you don't even know nothing about like he just sitting there looking, whatever. And then I just feel like Sierra, I liked her energy compared to everybody else, but I feel like honestly, and it's no shade to Sierra, but like she would be getting so much more heavier smoke, especially with her having her rolling her eyes and all that. I honestly think I would have got it. I said, you know what? I'm gonna let her have this because clearly she wants to have a moment. She clearly wants to have a moment when she was fucking my ex. And she got it. So I'm gonna let her have that. But I'm not about to sit here and have her play in my face because she knows what she did was wrong. We should not have to see her and explain to her why she's wrong. She is not five years old. That's the energy that should have come, you know? But you know, bravo. So, but Amanda overall, she's the biggest crash of all this because girl, you are sitting there acting like you didn't do anything. I don't know what's wrong with you. I kept saying, watching, I'm like, is something wrong with her? And same thing with Wes. And I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but y'all, they really were acting as if the wheels weren't clicking. The like, what is there not to understand? Like, I don't get it. You know, it just was giving like, I don't know, that the elevator don't go to the top floor, nobody's home, whatever you want to say. So her and Wes were just like, uh, get them off my screen. I don't want to see them on my screen anymore. I'm not watching. They're the they're the reason if I I won't be watching in the city if I have to see them

The Critical Question

SPEAKER_00 46:58

too much. But yeah, so that's my crash. But shout out to Sierra, I like Sierra. So, as always, I always like to end with a critical question. So, this week's question is if you remove the pressure of what your relationship is supposed to look like, what would you actually design? What would you choose if no one was watching and nothing was expected of you? This episode is not to make anyone polyamorous, to push anyone out of monogamy, or to suggest what you have isn't enough. The goal is awareness, because for some people, exploring what's possible will save a relationship that was struggling under the weight of a structure that never fit. For others, it'll point them toward the right connection before they waste years in the wrong one. And for many, the exploration will simply confirm what they always quietly knew was right for them. That's not a small thing, that's everything.