She Bet On Herself, Just Not All The Way

When I sat down with my sister, I thought we were going to talk about one big decision that changed her life.

Instead, I discovered something even more powerful.

Her story was not about one giant leap. It was about making the next right choice over and over again, even when she was not convinced she was capable of more.

She grew up in poverty, became a young mother, struggled with self-doubt, worked jobs that barely paid the bills, and questioned whether she was smart enough to earn a college degree. Along the way, opportunities appeared that she could not quite bring herself to take.

She believed in herself just enough to keep moving forward — but not always enough to go all the way.

And yet, she kept going.

Over the years, she earned her degree, built a career as an occupational therapist, raised two sons, bought a home, lived in eight different states, and quietly created a life that looked nothing like the one she started with.

This conversation is not about overnight success.

It is about persistence, resilience, self-doubt, and the stories we tell ourselves that can either limit us or set us free.

If you have ever wondered whether you are enough, or whether it is too late to bet on yourself, I hope this episode reminds you that sometimes the biggest swing is not a single decision.

Sometimes it is simply refusing to stop.

This episode is also paired with the original companion song “She Bet On Herself, But Not All The Way,” performed by Grant Colter, from Thee Big Swing Sessions.

The episode tells the story.
The reflection goes deeper.
The song carries the feeling.

Listen here: She Bet On Herself, But Not All The Way, performed by Grant Colter.

The episode tells the story. The song carries the feeling.

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THEE BIG SWING with Lloyd Hassell

There's a version of you that existed before something shifted - before a conversation, a decision, a thing you almost didn't say. You don't always recognize the moment it happened. You just notice, later, that you're not who you were.

This is a reflective podcast about those moments: the emotional reckonings and subtle internal recalibrations that change our trajectory over time - and the possibilities still available in life.

Each episode explores what happens when curiosity, courage, accountability, or reflection opens a new way of seeing ourselves and the world.

Through personal reflections and conversations, Lloyd explores changing identities, relationships, self-trust, and the quiet decisions that alter how we see ourselves over time.

This is for people who are quietly realizing they are not the same person anymore - and that there are still choices left.

The biggest swing isn't always dramatic.

Often, it's the shift inside that changes everything.

If something here stayed with you, you can reach me at lloyd@theebigswing.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the big swing where everyone has an opportunity to learn. This is the big swing. Every life leaves behind a pattern. Not always planned, but shaped through decisions over time. Today's reflection is a little different. This is a conversation. One that explores what it means to move through life, adapt, and continue forward. Even when the path isn't clear. My guest is someone I know well. My sister. She's lived in multiple states, raised a family, and built her life through persistence, change, and decision making over time. As I listened to her story, I found myself thinking about a question. What does it take to keep moving forward when life requires you to change direction again and again? This is that conversation. Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of The Big Swing. Tonight I have someone very well, everyone that's a guest is special, but this person is especially special because we share a lot of DNA. What does that mean? That means we're siblings. So with me today I have my sister on the line, a very beautiful woman. I mean she's beautiful from the inside and she's beautiful outside. And she agreed to be on the show. Hello. Should I call you Sita like I normally call you?

SPEAKER_02 1:55

I prefer Montserrat now.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Montserrat, you're so grown now. This is great. Oh my goodness. Hey, did I do the wrong thing by divulging your name?

SPEAKER_02 2:04

No, of course not. No, you did not. No secrets.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

I've gotten the approval. Well, this is the big swing, and the show is all about people sharing their story. The hope is that we share something that helps someone else. We never know if it will or not. We don't know how it's gonna re resonate with them, right? But as long as it's your truth, that's all that matters. There's no script. So I'll start off with the first question. Montserrat. Why don't you tell us? And a big swing is defined as a decision that you made in your life that you know for sure changed the trajectory of it. I know some of your stories, but clearly I don't know all of your stories. So it's your story, and so the question is what is a big swing that you'd like to share? And it can be anything.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Well no, I I have quite a bit of big swings. My first Yes. My first would be I can remember being where do I start? I can remember being in high school.

SPEAKER_03 3:21

Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

And cutting class a lot. Um yes, cutting class a whole lot. Um things were when I look back on it now, were for me horrible in my life at at home. They were they were horrible because really. Yeah, they were horrible because I grew up uh we grew up very poor. Um at the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

It was f I call it, I say it was feast or famine, and feast didn't come around often.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

Right, this is correct. And I was dating a boy because I was a a little girl at the time, and he was a boy, a young man, my first son's father. But I can remember cutting school a lot, and my mother said to me, her name was also Monserrat. My mother said to me, Bitch, I don't care how long it takes you to finish school, you're gonna graduate. And I had to repeat classes a few times because I would cut and I wouldn't get the credit. So one day I could remember sitting in school and saying to myself, self or Sita, everyone calls me Sita, but I could remember saying or having the thought to myself, just tough it out, get it up, get it out the way so that you don't have to sit in this class that you hate so much and just graduate and get it over with. And then let that part of your life just be on and done with and over with so you can move on to the next thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

That was that was clarity as a teenager.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

Yeah, and from then I made a decision that I did not want to be a high school dropout. I didn't want to, I felt like life there had to be something better than this. My life, all of what I was going through, you know, thinking I had this, had I had this boyfriend, but I'm dating him and I'm playing the role of a wife, but I'm only 16.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Whoa.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

Something just had to be better than this, relying on him for money.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

So but I didn't know how I was going to make my life better than that.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Understood. And you know what I'm uh I'm several years older. Well, the folks don't know that. We're several years apart. So at that point, when you were 16, I was off already living an adult life. I may not have been having an easy time of it, but I was I was living in another state. I didn't know what you were going through. I was living literally in another state. I think I was in Colorado and then Washington State at that time.

SPEAKER_02 6:01

Yeah, you had gone, I think, I think by then you had gone off to the army.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Yeah, by that 1986, I was I joined the army in July 86. I sure did. But I needed to get on my feet.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

And so you found yourself as a young woman realizing that there had to be more in life for you. And it sounded as though you didn't have the direction on that, which would have made it more difficult. Made it difficult to embark on the path, right? So what what happened from there? I mean, you made the decision that you were gonna climb the my term, climb the higher ground. How'd you do it?

SPEAKER_02 6:45

Well, I graduated high school and went on to attend City College and Right. Uh tried to be successful with that. Never, you know, never thought that I was smart enough or intelligent enough to obtain a college degree.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

You've told me that before, and I was surprised and actually I I was hurt that you felt that way.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

Mm-hmm. Um, so I mean, it was just a lot of years of still with my son's father shortly after that became pregnant, had a son, and um the crazy thing is, is while I was in um college, he would do things to sabotage my um my studies or my you know, my path to try and get this degree that uh I thought I was not smart enough to get.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

Um How old were you? You had your first child, and how old were you then?

SPEAKER_02 7:48

I was 20 when I had my first child, Timothy, my first child. I was 20. I still went to school while I was pregnant. I finished out that semester, and then I just I left left for a while, for a long while. I was 20 when I had my first son, but I could remember his dad always trying to sabotage me. I lived in an apartment with him, and I was told to stay at my mom's house because I needed to get up early in the morning, but he would follow me there and bring his friends to hang out in my mom's living room, and they would make all sorts of noise, so I couldn't get good rest, and so um yeah, it was just it was an ongoing um thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

But and this was clear to you even then that this was a form of sabotage, whether he was doing it consciously or subconsciously.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

I'm not sure that it was clear to me then, but when you get older, and for me, I got older and I did a lot of reflection on my life, and it became clear to me later on in life that that's what that was. He would say things like, No, when you get yourself together, you're gonna leave me. He would say those kind of things.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

So more than likely, you were correct. Yes. So how'd you get through it?

SPEAKER_02 9:15

I just I got through it because again, I just always had that feeling something's gotta be better than this. And I I want more. And then having my son, I never wanted my son to look at me, although I loved my mom very much and I respected her. I didn't want my story to be hers, and I wanted my uh life to be different, and I wanted my kids to look at me differently. And at the time I had only had my son. Right. And I got through it because I always felt like he he was watching, he was looking. So I had to make myself better for me and also for him, so that he could be he could benefit, that he would not ever have a hungry day.

SPEAKER_03 10:02

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

Or, you know, I wanted I wanted yeah, I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet. Um so fast forward many, many years later, I didn't get uh I didn't get my degree. My first degree I got was an associate's degree after many years of struggling, taking jobs, and just working and still getting paid and not ever having enough money still, sometimes to even cover my basic needs. So um I never must have been tough. That was very tough. It was very tough because it was it was it was tough, you know, going spending time away from your child. By this time I had a second child, but spending time away from your children, and then after getting paid, you still don't have enough to meet the needs, and you know, even throw some wants in there, you know, or you only have enough to meet the needs only.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

And that that's a story that probably doesn't get told enough or recognized enough in this great land we live in. The challenge of making it when you maybe don't have some of the qualifications and education and connections or backgrounds that some others do.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

And not only the connections um or the education, you might have that drive within you.

SPEAKER_03 11:33

Right.

SPEAKER_02 11:35

However, you will lack I I'm speaking for myself, I lacked the confidence. So that was my biggest, that was my biggest barrier. I I was my biggest barrier, you know, lacking the confidence and feeling like, again, I wasn't smart enough to obtain the um the degree too. So I suffered. I suffered in these low-paying jobs, you know, looking like, damn, I could do that job, but one of the the requirements was to have a degree, right? A higher education. Right. And like, damn, if I would just go just go to school and get it, but no. Trying to find another way to have that same job where the requirements were to have the degree, right? But I didn't have the degree, and I didn't have the degree because I kept procrastinating or finding some reason or excuse not to go back to school because that that whole thought, you know, feeding myself that lie. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

So I think I'm glad you eventually realized it was a lie.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

Yeah, I got through all of that because the struggle ate me up. I just couldn't take it anymore. Right. I had to do something more for myself. At this point, not so not even for my kids, but for myself, because if I did better, they were going to be better in a better situation.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Understood.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

So I said, forget this. I went to Mercy College up in in the Bronx of New York. I think it's up near Pelham. I can't remember streets and stuff so much because it's been it's been more than 20 years. But Mercy College up in the Bronx, they have one of their campuses there. And I was talking to um an advisor, and they introduced me to occupational therapy. And I was like, hmm, I know this because I've spent so many days in the hospital with my mom being sick, going through rehab. I've seen, I've heard of this before. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:36

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 13:36

And so I leaped in and I I did it, and man, oh man, goodness gracious. Oh boy, did I find. Well, I didn't have to find it was there, but my intelligence. I was so smart. A 3. I think eight or something, 3.5, like wow. So smart, so smart, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Wow. I remember you going through that process and having that awakening. And I thought at the time, good for you.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

It's about time.

SPEAKER_03 14:19

Mm-hmm. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

It was about time. You stop lying to yourself or beating yourself up, like, come on. But you know, you had to find that out, right?

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

And so what happened? Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Well, I I left out a big part. Um, let me let me rewind. Going back to um after having my son Timothy, like I said, I'd left college alone for a long while and suffering with the jobs and I went back to um the first school I went back to was BMC and made the dean's list. And um, that was back in the day when you would write papers and you would turn them in. Nowadays everything is electronic, right?

SPEAKER_03 15:02

Right.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

But I had this one professor encourage me, convinced me to apply for NYU's speech therapy program.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Whoa, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

At the time you had to have someone like, maybe I'm using the wrong term, like sponsor you or recommend you for the program. And she said, Montserrat, I don't remember her exact words. I remember her calling me over, Montserrat, let me talk to you. And um she told me how well I wrote. And I said, You think so? She's like, Oh yeah. She says, when I read, and at the time this meant a lot to me. She said, when I read your papers, I can compare it to like someone, you know, you buy the daily news and you read the news, and it's like, but when I read your papers, it's like I'm reading the the post. So back then, the New York Post was a step up above the Daily News, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Okay, all right.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Back then. So it wasn't like New York Times, the I think New York Times was one of the newspapers, but it made me feel good because I felt then like New York Post is a lot better than reading the the New York Daily News. Right. So now that I'm talking about it, hmm. So she's saying, I write pretty well. Okay, I have some work to do to get better, which is perfectly fine. Sure. But damn, I'm not at the bottom. So she's, you know, then she went on to say how Columbia University has this speech pathology program and she wanted to, you know, back me up to get into the program. Again, I didn't I didn't I didn't follow through with it. I didn't take, you know.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Really?

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Yeah, because I didn't think I could make it.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

You know what's what's interesting to me as the listener, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Pardon me. I didn't I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

And why I thought, wow, and why you oh no, I could never make it there. Uh-uh.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Really?

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Mm-hmm. So I didn't do it, I didn't apply for the the program.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

But you kept going in another direction, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:16

Mm-hmm. I did keep going. And so, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

So why don't you tell us? I mean, because so far we followed you from being a young mother from before that, and then attending college and finding out you could matriculate. Right?

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

And then you found yourself at another learning institution with a shot to go to NYU that you didn't take. But I personally know your story didn't end there.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Mm-hmm. No.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Well, because you were sharing with us your big swing, and so starting where you started from as you described it, you were taking a swing betting on yourself. So what happened next after uh pick up wherever you'd like to.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Well, so much has happened, Lloyd. I've lived I've lived eight different states. Let me let me get that. I've lived eight different states.

SPEAKER_03 18:13

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

In search of following my spirit mostly.

SPEAKER_03 18:20

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 18:21

Some of it um people would say running. I don't want to say running, getting away from it or creating creating um a new environment.

SPEAKER_03 18:32

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

To be better than the ones or the situation that I was in. Just trying to find a better life. So that's my big swing. Just stepping out a whole lot, taking the chance to make make my life better, make you know.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

So here's an opportunity to share with someone that may be listening, that may it may resonate with them and help them. How did you make your life better? Because we left off at um hearing about learning about occupational therapy and then going to Mercy College and then BMCC. So I'm dying to hear the rest of the story. Like, what was what was the trajectory from there?

SPEAKER_02 19:17

I went to City College first. That was my first experience with college. Then I left that alone, went to BMCC. After BMCC, transferred my credits over to Mercy College.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Got my um associate's degree. What a I was so proud. Wow, one of my proudest days. Graduated from there with an associate's degree.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

Again, didn't just go full-fledged for the master's program because I thought, oh, it'd be too much, I can't do it. But anyways, that's, you know, that's an ongoing story. But um, and did very well, did very well with occupational therapy. And when I moved, when I went back to school for occupational therapy, I said, once I get this degree, right, my me my kids and I, we're out of here. And I'm not ever coming back to New York. That's it. We're out of here, we're done. Because I wanted to create a life for myself where um I can I can have a sustainable income. I can get that job that, you know, we won't need Section 8, we won't need uh food stamps, we won't need any of that, which is not nothing bad, but I just did not want to have to rely on that anymore. You know, you have to tell your whole life story to get some assistance. And so I think uh I graduated from Mercy College.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

With what degree?

SPEAKER_02 20:44

With an associate's degree in applied science. Okay. Um and uh moved to Maryland because it, you know, it was close. I could get back to my family if one it need be, and get my kids back to their grandparents. And so I just I did contract work. The most I've made the most money I've ever made. Um with an associate's degree. I made good money. I made some in some instances more money than people have made would have made that have bachelor's and master's degrees at that time. So I made very good money, did that, that allowed me to work as a traveling therapist. And so I did that for a while. And um that's how I ended up here in Texas. But in between then, I just I tried, I tried many things, and me having that license to do occupational therapy, uh, it helped me provide and take care of my kids, take care of myself. I bought a home, I bought my first home. Right.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

Um I remember.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Marilyn, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

Right.

SPEAKER_02 21:57

I remember calling you, I was I want to get this. House. Um, and you said, Well, sis, go in and get it if you like it, I'll help you with it. Right. So the ongoing thing in my story, Lloyd, is that there's this little voice in my head that's told myself, I wanted more. Right. When I when I went for more, I didn't go for most, for the most. I just went for more.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

But I didn't I didn't go for all of it. And what I mean by that is I went and I got the degree. I got the associates instead of just shooting for the bachelor's or the the master's. Right. And before I right before I turned 50, I went back and I got my bachelor's degree because it was still eating at me. I always wanted to have a bachelor's degree.

SPEAKER_03 22:52

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

Not because um, oh, I'm gonna make all this money. No. Right. Me always wanting to have a bachelor's degree was I needed to prove to myself that I was smart enough because I always had that doubt. I'm not smart enough. I just didn't feel smart enough. And so that's been my ongoing story with I've always leaked out and been brave enough to try, right? Because if you don't, you'll never know until you try.

SPEAKER_03 23:26

True.

SPEAKER_02 23:27

Um, and that's been my motto for a long time. Um, I went for I went for it, but not for the big it. And so, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And um, so that's my big swing to always do better.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

And that is a big swing.

SPEAKER_02 23:48

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 23:49

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

By going for it and deciding you could there was more for you or there was better. That's a that's a big one. And I'm not just saying that because you're my sister. It's just true. If you're if you know you're starting from a place of struggle, and you wind up in a place where you've gained education, you beat the odds. I think you once told me that someone said to you, you don't have to reveal who, but something about not becoming a statistic.

SPEAKER_02 24:20

Yeah. It was my therapist. She and I were talking, and she said to me, She says, Montserrat, with all that you've shared with me.

SPEAKER_03 24:28

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

Everything from from the beginning of your life up until now. I forget my words, um, but pretty much what she said is I have surpassed or I have beat what statistics said I should have had.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Well, there you go. She's a therapist, and that was her professional assessment. And so now, and well, let me let me help you help the audience a little more. When I say audiences, this is we don't know who's gonna listen to this. We don't know if there's gonna be some woman or a man who hears a story and says, you know what, I felt similar and I think I can do similar. So now you went from the girl who started out in the Bronx feeling that there was more, found yourself in a situation where you had some young guy who was taking care of you financially and also trying to hold you back because he didn't want you to leave his sphere, and you did, and you kept going. And you've been self-sustaining for decades now, haven't you?

SPEAKER_01 25:47

Decades.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

And we're getting older.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Decades, yes.

SPEAKER_00 25:54

But you did that as opposed to, as you said, well, from what I heard, becoming dependent on a bureaucracy to assist you. You you do what you can and how you can do it to take care of yourself. You're not married, right?

SPEAKER_02 26:13

No, I am not married. I've never been married. I'm not saying that proudly, it's just those are the facts. I'm not married and never been married.

SPEAKER_00 26:20

But you've you've taken care of yourself and your children on your own.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

On my own.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

Because I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

No, when when their parents, when their dad was were alive, I had assistants, but one son's dad has been dead since he was nine, and the other son's dad has has been dead since he was three. So I've taken care of them.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

You certainly have. You definitely have. I think it's uh personally, I think it's a great story. And again, it's whether you had shared it or someone else. Because my personal motto has always been, one of them has been, hey, I'm just trying to get to higher ground. And my definition of higher ground is to live better than than the way it was when I started out. That's my higher ground. And I'm 61 and I I still find myself reaching for higher ground. And I'll just add this, and it's not a self, this is not ego talking. Even though I reached some places and some things that I could be good and just chill, right? There's still something in me because of where we started that I I don't want to sit still. I want to, I want to improve, I want to get to higher ground. So I'm trying to slow that down. No, I want to slow down and enjoy the accomplishments that I have made, which have been a few, quite a few, actually.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

A whole lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

Yeah, a whole lot. But for some reason, that voice or that spirit inside still says, hey, man, you got to get to higher ground, bro. You gotta do better. You could do better, or there's more to do. We'll see how the story unfolds. Or continues to unfold. Is there any question that I didn't ask you that I could have asked you, or anything you're you're thinking of that you might want to share as uh an addendum? And I'm not pressing you.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

No, I don't feel pressed. There's so much that I can share. The thing happening now is I can go on and on and on. I just don't know what exactly you want me to share. You know, like so, and I know your show is not scripted or anything like that. So the story's so long.

SPEAKER_00 28:38

I think you shared quite a bit. We've had a good talk. I would imagine others can relate to your story, and that's what the show is all about. Just sharing a story about a decision that you made to change the tr trajectory of your life. And you did that. There's nothing more I would want you to share on this episode. I want to thank you.

SPEAKER_02 29:05

Thank you for having me. Thank you for thinking that my story is interesting enough to share with whoever will listen.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

Yeah, I think every human story is interesting enough to share. I think that everyone's story should be regarded because it's a journey. And I think sometimes people want to overlook others because they think their story wouldn't have enough merit to listen to, or their story doesn't matter or count. I disagree. We may not enjoy the story or learn from the story, but still their story is no less valuable than anyone else's story. So that's it. I think we did our job tonight.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

Listening back to that conversation, I was struck by something simple. Sometimes the big swing isn't one decision. It's the willingness to continue, to adapt, to move, to rebuild over and over again. Not loudly, not dramatically, just consistently. And over time, that consistency becomes a life. This is the big swing.