Love Is Not Unconditional.

We often say love should be unconditional. But over time, she started to understand that love without boundaries, honesty, or self-respect can become something else entirely.

Some moments stay with you because they reveal something bigger underneath them.

A mother finds herself wrestling with something many people quietly feel — the lack of courtesy, gratitude, and emotional awareness that can exist even within families.

What begins as a conversation about a difficult weekend gradually turns into something deeper: expectations between people, feeling unappreciated after extending yourself, boundaries with family, and the complicated truth behind the phrase unconditional love.

One of the most honest moments comes when she admits that what she wanted was not perfection — but some sign that the care, effort, and sacrifice were seen.

A deeply honest conversation about family dynamics, emotional reciprocity, parenthood, and recalibrating how we show up for the people we love most.

A written reflection for this episode is available at theebigswing.com/reflections.

This episode is also connected to Thee Big Swing Sessions, where select conversations are extended through original companion songs inspired by the emotional center of the episode.

The episode tells the story.
The reflection goes deeper.
The song carries the feeling.

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THEE BIG SWING with Lloyd Hassell

There's a version of you that existed before something shifted - before a conversation, a decision, a thing you almost didn't say. You don't always recognize the moment it happened. You just notice, later, that you're not who you were.

This is a reflective podcast about those moments: the emotional reckonings and subtle internal recalibrations that change our trajectory over time - and the possibilities still available in life.

Each episode explores what happens when curiosity, courage, accountability, or reflection opens a new way of seeing ourselves and the world.

Through personal reflections and conversations, Lloyd explores changing identities, relationships, self-trust, and the quiet decisions that alter how we see ourselves over time.

This is for people who are quietly realizing they are not the same person anymore - and that there are still choices left.

The biggest swing isn't always dramatic.

Often, it's the shift inside that changes everything.

If something here stayed with you, you can reach me at lloyd@theebigswing.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the big swing where everyone has an opportunity to learn. She said something to me. I don't think most people are willing to admit out loud. She said, It's not unconditional. Sis, it's great to be back on with you. I know you had something important on your mind, so why don't we get right into it?

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Yeah, so what I'd like to talk about today is common courtesy and how people lack common courtesy.

unknown 0:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

And just having common courtesy and showing common courtesy will serve you well in life and do good for you. So this past weekend I was in California for a special occasion. It was a young man's birthday party.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

My grandson.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

All right, that's cool.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Yeah. So initially, uh when the when the party was scheduled, I offered my help to the mom. What I asked, what is it that you need me to do to make things go smoothly for the party? Right. Oh no, no, don't need anything. They will set everything up, is what I was told. Okay. So let's fast forward Saturday, the morning of the party. I went ahead and made a dental appointment for the early morning. So my son and the mom got pissed off about that because they had plans for me to babysit. So they failed to demonstrate or exercise common courtesy by communicating with me that they needed me to babysit while they ran and ran errands for the birthday party. So that was just dumped on me. And I was expected to last minute, cancel my appointment for my dental to babysit for them.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

May I ask a question?

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

I think there was a component in that dental appointment that needs some context around it. It regards you being in California, but your dental appointment was where?

SPEAKER_02 2:18

In Mexico. Tijuana, Mexico.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

My appointment was for nine. When I was having this discussion with my son at 7:30 a.m. and he nearly insisted that I um cancel my appointment.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

That's the missing context.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

Mm-hmm. Yes. So I should reschedule to maybe fly back another week or something. Okay. So that is the common courtesy. That's where it all started, and and it it just it continued to um compound over the weekend. So I have my dental appointment. I get back in time. So that's it.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Did you watch the your grandson?

SPEAKER_02 2:56

I watched the grandson, yes. I watched the grandson Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

So you did your part. You did what they asked you to do.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

But I was met with very cold um greetings on the phone w from the mother. I got uninvited to my grandson's birthday party because I would not cancel my dental appointment.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Whoa, wait a second.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

I was uninvited by my own son.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Well so what happened?

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Well, he later apologized because after his man tantrum and I was able to babysit, then um I I guess I was re-invited because I I could feel I could fulfill his, you know, his need or his desire.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

Well, nothing happened to me in that situation, but I kind of feel some way about it on a human level. Like what kind of stuff is that?

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Exactly. Exactly. And his whole thing was, you knew you were coming here for your grandson's birthday party. You sh why'd you make a dental appointment? So let's continue on with the rest of the weekend. So this place, it's like a little indoor play gym for kids. So you can't wear shoes. And I didn't know that. So I had to run out to the store to get socks.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

So as I'm trying to get the socks for the plate, I get a phone call. Hey, mom, can you pick up this? Okay. So my son forwards me a text from the young lady's father requesting these items for the party. Okay. Okay. And at the end of the text, it says, Let me um let me know how much it costs.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Who wanted to know how much it cost?

SPEAKER_02 4:34

The grandfather of the baby. Why did he want to because he was going to reimburse the money spent for the items purchased.

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Oh, that was considered.

SPEAKER_02 4:44

The text initially went to my son. Okay. And so I did. I went to the market that they asked me to go to. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

So I take all the items to the party. My son comes out. He helps carry all the items inside. While he's unloading the car, he says, How much was this? I said, Well, let's call it $100. It was $96 to be exact. Common courtesy, lack of common courtesy.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

No one ever said thank you for picking the items up. I appreciate that you went and you did that.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

No one gave me my money back. No one said, Hey, do you want the money back? Or here's the money back. Not the grandfather, not the mother of my grandbaby. Never once thanked me for coming.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Um, a cousin who I never met before. Beautiful young lady. This young lady and I were sitting and talking. But the lack of common courtesy of these people, it really ruffled my feathers. No goodbye. No, I'm happy you came.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Really?

SPEAKER_02 5:48

Yeah. Nope. And nope. And I flew from Texas.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

I recall learning this a while back, and it helped change a lot of things for me. So people can only meet you where they're at. Yep. I want to know the recalibration you have made due to the observation of the um lack of common courtesy and consideration.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Well, moving forward, what I've learned is um I was choosing as a grandmother to be a part of my grandson's life. And that won't ever stop. But I was choosing as to how I wanted to insert myself in the the celebration of birthdays or important holidays.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 6:36

And I often have felt in the past that things in ways that I extend myself to my grandson in ways that I feel are important that I want to leave with my grandson. I've made him heirloom type of keeps keepsakes. I made him another blanket with his name and date and weight embroidered on there. Just those kind of things. Right. And then this this birthday, I love the nostalgia of the red wagon.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Right.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

And so I personalized one for him.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:07

And so the wagon came and I didn't get uh, you know, thank you so much, the wagon came.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Whoa.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

I got a the wagon came from my son. But anyways, what I've learned, you asked me what I learned.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

I'm sorry. I think that's I think that is that's rude. I mean, you made the item, shipped the item, and yeah, shipped the item.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Made the item. Made, made, yes. Today's Monday, no text, no thank you, no nothing. Today's Monday. So what I learned moving forward and how I've had to, I guess this is where I've recalibrated myself or my way of thinking. So let me ask you this before I go on with using your words. When you used it with me, recalibrate, exactly what did you mean? Because I know what recalibrate means when we recalibrate a machine, you reset the machine so that it can function properly. Is that what you meant?

SPEAKER_00 8:04

It was along those lines for the most part. It's refunction re reprogramming or resetting. In in this case, not the machine, but your mind, my mind.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

My machine.

SPEAKER_00 8:19

On how we can how we can preserve the life, integrity, and optimize the the use of the machine.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Correct. Okay. So moving forward, how I'm going to protect my integrity, my patience, my peace of mind, I'm his grandmother. That will never change. That can never change. He has 25% of my DNA that lives and thrives in him.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

True.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Right. That can never change. But moving forward, until he's of a teenager, I will not attend. I won't attend any more gatherings or anything like that. Because it caused me, and it wasn't just the not saying thank you. There's a whole lot of other things behind the scenes that was not the topic of this show.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

That caused me, or I allowed myself. Not it caused me. I allowed myself to take on the feeling of being uncomfortable at what should have been a joyous occasion.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Understood.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

I've made the choice to be the grandmother that I wanted to be in his life. And I don't feel that it's appreciated. So now I get to make the choice of how I want to insert myself in his life. And that's how I've reset myself so that I don't walk away from this situation feeling like, man, you know. And it's, it's, it's, you know, my mom used to always say, if you're gonna give something, give it and don't expect anything back. And what I've tweaked about it from living on this earth and and from my experiences, everything costs a price. Everything has a price. Everything has a price. Even when you're giving and you don't want something back, you do. Like people say, unconditional love. Nah, my love to my children was it was not unconditional because I wanted something back.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

Understood. And and I appreciate your honesty.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

I want to be appreciated. I want from my sons, I do. I want some reverence. Some. I don't need to be put on a pedestal, but I want some reverence, and I want to be appreciated, and I want a simple thank you if I extend myself. Because when I extend myself, I go 110. 10%. So I want some acknowledgement. So everything has a price. There's no such thing as unconditional love. Now I wanted them to grow up and be good people in the world. I wanted something from them. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

Well, to hear you talk as a mother and say that, I could only hear in the back of my head some mother saying, Oh my gosh, how could she feel that way? Uh I'm a father. I understand. I understand from my vantage. Um I guess it's it's a it's it's not a one-way relationship.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

It's not. It's not. And you say you can hear some moms say, oh my gosh, how can she feel that way? Well, I can hear a whole lot of women say, oh my gosh, I was, I wanted to say it, but felt guilty for not ever, you know, felt guilty because I couldn't say it. Or I, you know, I've been holding it in. Every mother wants something. Of course. You teach your kids lessons, you teach them um, you love them patiently. Sometimes you yell, but for the most part, you've loved them patiently enough that they made it out alive, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:49

That's a mouthful. I've never heard, I've never heard that before said that way. I think I'll remember that one.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

I've had my youngest son tell me, Ma, thank you for never giving up on me. You never gave up. And he was a challenge, they both were. But anyway, you love your kids patiently, right? Enough that they make it out alive. Because some kids don't make it out alive. We see that on the news every day. And of course, I want something. I want for you to go out into that world, and I want you to put that goodness that I taught you. I want you to put it out into the world. I want you to show kindness to people in the world. I want what my son did after the end of the party. He did come to me and kiss me and held me tight. And he said, Mommy, I'm so sorry for he called it that cussing me out. I was like, Well, you didn't cuss me out. He was like, Yeah, but that's the son's version of cussing you out. I said, Oh, you mean when you uninvited me to my grandson's party? Yes, my dad. I'm so sorry, mom. So sorry.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Wow. That is so.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

Yeah, I want that. And that's the price that he pays for the love and the patience that I gave him raising him. Because I didn't have him. I gave birth and then I raised him. Some people are just having children, but I've raised my sons. There's a difference.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

I'm speechless.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

And we can do another show on that at another time. But there's a difference from having children and raising them. I've raised my sons.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

I don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Maybe it's nothing, sometimes there's just nothing more to be said.