09: Who Am I If I Stop Pushing

In this episode of Banish the Lies, Tania reflects on a moment many of us know well, realizing that a deadline, a push, or a sense of pressure is entirely self-imposed.

As the planned podcast launch date approached, old patterns surfaced. Insomnia, anxiety, and the familiar urge to push harder at all costs. What started as a logistical decision about timing quickly revealed something deeper: an identity shaped by productivity, discipline, and the belief that stopping means failing.

Tania explores the discomfort that arises when we loosen our grip on deadlines, adjust a plan, or choose rest instead of force. She shares how questioning a launch date became an invitation to question a much bigger story, who we believe we are if we’re not the person who always pushes through.

This episode is an honest reflection on self-imposed pressure, perfectionism, and the courage it takes to pause without turning it into a character flaw. It’s a reminder that flexibility, grace, and choice are not signs of weakness, but acts of self-trust.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hey friend. Just a quick note before we begin. This episode was recorded just before Christmas when I was in the middle of debating my podcast launch date. A couple months have gone by, but the heart of the question still feels very relevant. Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free. I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole. Let's jump in. Hello. Hello. Today I have a rather spur of the moment episode for you about my podcast launch. I had originally set a date of January 11th, partly because I love the number 1, 1, 1. I'm also one of those people who notices repeating numbers everywhere, and at the time, January also felt far enough away to be realistic. Well, it's now December 22nd. Christmas is essentially here. Life feels very full and very busy, and technically I could still make that deadline, but only if I push. Only if I work through the holidays and only if I ignore the fact that what I really wanted was to launch with some breathing room, meaning enough episodes already recorded so that I don't start 2026 stressed out and chasing myself. But the closer I got to this launch date, the more stressed I became. I've been dealing with insomnia on and off now for years, and I was in a good phase. And then suddenly I wasn't. I'd had this terrible night of sleep recently, and that turned into panic, not just because I was exhausted, but because I thought, oh man, if this continues, my deadline is in danger. That's when I realized something rather important. This deadline was entirely self-imposed. I haven't promised anyone anything. I haven't announced it publicly. No one is waiting on me. So this pressure that I felt lived entirely inside my own head. So then I started arguing with myself. If I move the date, am I lazy? Am I lacking discipline? Am I breaking a commitment? But if I don't move the date, am I just feeding the same perfectionism that has driven me for most of my life? I suddenly realized that I held a belief that once you decide something, you just never adjust. You just push harder no matter the cost. So it shouldn't have surprised me that the idea of letting go of the date didn't just feel like a logistical decision. It felt like an identity one like. If I'm not the person who pushes through, then who am I? At the same time, there was all this other stuff I knew I wanted to do before the year ends, not because it's productive in a. It's kind of shiny way, but, 'cause I didn't wanna start the new year buried under clutter. So I've been sorting through papers, letting things go, cleaning up, and I know that every time I do this at the end of a year, it feels incredibly grounding. So there was this tension between keeping the launch date and doing what felt really good for setting myself up for the new year. And yesterday I caught myself seriously considering working on my podcast on Christmas Eve, and this caused me to pause, not so much because working on a creative project during the holidays is wrong. It isn't. But because I could feel where the desire was coming from, and it wasn't from joy or inspiration, it was coming from fear. Fear of missing a date, fear of disappointing myself, fear of being seen as someone who didn't follow through. So today I let the deadline go. I don't know yet when I'll launch maybe January, maybe February 22nd, because I also like the date, 2, 2, 2. By the time you're listening to this, you'll know what I decided, but uh, right now I don't. So instead of forcing myself to work. I stopped and ate lunch. I put something on Netflix, and that might sound silly, but for me it was a bit radical. I don't usually sit down just to enjoy some TV, and if I watch anything, I usually do it while I'm eating dinner, so that doesn't really count as wasted time. I know that might sound ridiculous, but it seems that rest has always been something that has needed justification in my life, and I think part of what's. Also uncomfortable here is that I've spent so long defining myself as someone who pushes. So when I stop, even briefly, there's this quiet question hanging in the air of what is the alternative and what does it mean about me and what I value? I feel like I'm in this in-between space right now. A not knowing, and it's uncomfortable, but it also feels a little freeing because what this moment represents isn't about watching television or not watching television. It's about choice. It's about flexibility. It's about grace and the freedom to change my mind without turning it into a massive character flaw of some sort. And since I'm not. Going to work on my podcast on Christmas Eve, I decided I'm going to invite a neighbor over for a glass of wine. I think she spends Christmas alone, and that feels better than pushing through a deadline that only exists because I created it. Now, of course, if she decides not to come and I feel inspired, then great. I will work on my podcast. But not because I'm afraid of some imagined failure, but simply because I want to. So if you're feeling pressure about something right now, it might be worth asking where it's really coming from. Sometimes it's external and sometimes it's commitments we genuinely need to honor. But sometimes it's a story we're telling ourselves about who we're allowed to be. You know, the voice of fear says, push harder. Don't change the plan. Don't look weak. But the voice of love says pause. Be kind and adjust when you need to. So if you're waiting for permission to slow down to rest, to change your mind, to take care of yourself, here it is. I give you permission and I'm practicing taking it myself. Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies. If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in. And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too. Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them. I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself. And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.