23: I Thought I Needed Clarity. What I Really Wanted Was Certainty.

Why do some decisions feel impossible to make?

In this episode, Tania shares a personal story about a seemingly ordinary decision that consumed far more time, energy, and worry than it should have. What began as a question about repairing an aging car eventually revealed something much deeper.

As Tania reflects on why this decision felt so difficult, she uncovers an insight that changed the way she thinks about overthinking, uncertainty, and the search for the "right" answer.

If you've ever found yourself stuck between options, endlessly researching, second-guessing yourself, or wishing for a guarantee before taking action, this episode may help you understand what's really going on beneath the surface.

Because sometimes the decision isn't the hardest part.

Transcript

Tania 0:00

Have you ever spent days, weeks, or even months agonizing over a decision, convinced that if you could just gather a little more information, the right answer would finally become obvious? Well, I definitely have, and I wanna explore with you why some decisions can feel so incredibly difficult, even when deep down we know we'll probably be okay no matter what we choose. Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free. I'm Tania Cervo ni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole. Let's jump in. A few years ago, the air conditioning stopped working in my car. At the time, the car was about 10 years old and completely paid off, and I absolutely loved not having a car payment. The problem was, given the age of the vehicle, I had no idea whether it made more sense to repair the air conditioning or replace the car altogether. And on paper, it wasn't a huge decision, and I recognize that people make choices like this every day. But for some reason, I couldn't just decide one way or the other. So in the face of indecision, I plunged into Tania default mode, researching, talking to friends, asking everyone and anyone what they thought. And of course, I lost sleep over it. Weeks went by, and the funny thing is, if you had asked me at the time whether I thought this was a major life decision, I would have said, "No, of course not." I wasn't deciding whether to, you know, quit my job or deciding on treatment for a serious illness. It was just a car, and I knew I'd be okay either way. So the question remained, why did it feel so overwhelming? That is what I've been exploring because, honestly, I still struggle with decisions. And it didn't take a lot of reflection to realize that the level of stress I was experiencing had to be based on more than just deciding what to do with my car. And I don't think it was entirely about the money either. I mean, money is often a factor, but that wasn't the only factor because I knew that if I had chosen, for example, to fix the car and then ended up with more issues because of its age, yeah, that would have been potentially pricey and definitely annoying, but not entirely life-altering. So why was I so terrified of making the wrong choice? And then it hit me. I wasn't simply afraid of the outcome, I was afraid of what I would say to myself about the outcome. I was afraid of that voice, the one that shows up after the fact, the one that looks at the past with perfect hindsight and says, "Well, that was dumb," or, "You should have known," or, "Why didn't you just blah, blah, blah?" And if you follow this podcast, I think there's a good chance that you know that voice, the voice that expects you to predict the future, the voice that acts as though if you just work hard enough, you can circumvent uncertainty, the voice that believes every mistake could have been avoided if you'd just been smarter, more careful, more responsible, more something. And once I saw that, I felt a flood of emotion. There was some sadness for all the years that I've lived this way, but also compassion for the part of me that has held so much fear of mistakes. And also a bit of relief, to be honest, because I better understood why I had spent weeks trying to make the perfect decision. I wasn't just looking for the best outcome. I was looking for protection. Protection from regret, protection from criticism Protection from the possibility that I'd have to sit with the discomfort of getting something wrong. And I'm actually a bit embarrassed of how often I find myself in this place of debilitating anxiety over even seemingly small decisions. I mean, don't tell anyone, but I honest to God spent days debating the color of a yoga mat to buy when I decided to invest in a, quote, "good one." A yoga mat. Yeah, let that one sink in. So yes, it shows up a lot for me, and it makes me wonder how often we tell ourselves we're stuck because we just need more information or more clarity or more confidence, when what we're really trying to do is eliminate the possibility of making a mistake. And of course, the problem is life doesn't work that way. You don't know if something is a mistake until after you choose it. And no matter how thoughtful you are, how much research you do, how many people you consult, it's still entirely possible you'll end up disliking the outcome of your decision. So I've been having a little conversation with that part of me that sees that as a failure. Of course, it's not a failure, it's simply being human. But if your inner critic treats every imperfect outcome as evidence that you were dumb or careless, then every decision starts to feel like potential failure, and that's really heavy. And when that happens, uncertainty itself can start to feel threatening. Our nervous systems react as though there's real danger present. And of course, that's compounded by the fact that I can be exceptionally cruel to myself for indecision and for any choice that ends up being so-called the wrong one. Honestly, it makes me wonder if this is why so many of us overthink. We say we're afraid of making the wrong choice, but maybe we're really afraid of being judged for making the wrong choice, even if the person doing the judging is us. So moving forward, the next time I notice myself spiraling over a decision, I'm gonna try asking a different question. Not just, "What's the right choice?" But also, "What happens if this doesn't work out?" And then I'll keep asking, "And then what happens? And then what happens after that?" And then really sit with the potential outcomes. Feel into the possibilities until I feel an acceptance in my body, a signal that my nervous system recognizes that I'm gonna be okay, that I've survived hundreds of imperfect decisions up until now. Now, This likely won't happen overnight, or at least that's not been my experience when I try to make a shift in perspective. But what has had an immediate impact on me already is the awareness that making a perfect decision was never the antidote to my decision anxiety. And perhaps the goal for those of us who find ourselves overthinking and stressing endlessly is to become a safer place for ourselves when decisions don't go according to plan. To be the person who says, "It's okay. You didn't know. You did the best you could. You made the choice that made sense at the time." Because certainty isn't available. There will always be things we can't predict. There will always be choices that don't work out the way we hoped. But self-compassion, that's something we can practice. And maybe that's where real freedom begins, not when we're certain, but when we're no longer terrified of being wrong. Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies. If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in. And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too. Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them. I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself. And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.