26: Chicken Wing Arms: Menopause, Self-Judgment, and the Habit of Putting Ourselves on Trial

Tania shares a very real moment from her own life: lying in bed, exhausted, judging her "chicken wing arms" and wondering why self-criticism continues to demand so much of our attention.

What begins as a late-night conversation with herself about chicken wing arms, cellulite, and menopause quickly turns into a deeper exploration of self-judgment, the stories we tell ourselves, and the hidden belief that being hard on ourselves will somehow make us better.

In this honest reflection, Tania questions the voice of the inner critic, explores the true cost of self-judgment, and invites listeners to consider whether that voice deserves as much authority as we've given it.

Transcript

Tania 0:03

Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free. I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole. Let's jump in. Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of Banish the Lies. So this evening, I'm sitting in my bed, showered, in my jammies, and I've basically been chilling out since about 7:00 PM. I'm feeling strangely very tired for this time of night, and on top of that, I've been feeling pretty full of self-judgment. I've been dealing on and off with this fatigue for a while now. Sometimes it's mild, sometimes it's more severe. We can just say that menopause hasn't been particularly kind. And as a result, I haven't been working out as much, and when I do work out, I just don't seem to have the energy to push or to lift the way that I used to. So the sculpted arms I had in my 40s have become softer, rounder, and a little plumper. Actually, that's probably true of my entire body. And here I am, lying in bed, judging myself for it, and feeling pretty crappy about it. And it made me curious, why are soft arms somehow less valuable than sculpted arms? I mean, who decided that? And who decided a little fat on your belly was a problem? And should we even talk about cellulite? I mean, I'm sitting here asking the big questions of life. Okay, maybe not the big questions of life, but questioning where these stories came from. Now, yes, we can talk about society, social media, we can talk about the patriarchy, we could talk about all the influences that shape the way we think. But honestly, I think the question that's more interesting to me is, why am I, Tania Cervoni , lying in bed right now dedicating this much time and energy to judging myself? Why do these thoughts keep getting so much airtime? I mean, I know about negativity bias. I know our brains are wired to notice issues and problems, but there's gotta be a little more to the story because really when you think about it, I could just be sitting here, um, acknowledging the good stuff and having thoughts like, "You know what? I, I actually have pretty good cheekbones," or I don't know, "These earlobes have held up surprisingly well." Okay, that was just sort of random, but you get the point. But instead, I'm just flopping my arms around looking at what I affectionately refer to as my chicken wings and wondering where all the definition went. And what fascinates me is that, like, I'm aware I'm doing this. This isn't one of those moments where the thoughts are running in the background that are... You know, they're unnoticed. I'm fully aware and choosing to engage in this, and I've spent the better part of probably, like, two hours doing this, getting curious, then judging myself, searching things on my phone, which means that my social media feed is now basically just one giant menopause intervention with, like, how to lose weight in your 50s or exercise for menopausal women, foods that burn fat, ways to get your old body back. And listen- There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy body or a strong body or a toned body. What I'm not really digging is this judgment, though. The voice that says, "How did you let yourself go?" What a garbage phrase. All right? Let me just call it out. That is a garbage phrase, especially when I stop and consider the context. I've had periods of such severe insomnia in recent years that functioning felt really difficult. I've had days where simply getting through work required all the energy that I had, and somehow, despite all that, part of me still expects myself to behave as though nothing has changed and spend hours in the gym to lift heavy weights and to look exactly the way I looked 5 or 10 years ago. And when I don't, I've apparently, according to the inner critic, failed some sort of exam that I wasn't aware of. And that's the lie that keeps coming back because self-judgment always masquerades as something useful, right? It makes us feel productive or responsible or like if I'm just hard enough on myself, I am going to motivate myself to change. But when has that actually worked? Personally, I've never come out on the other side of self-judgment feeling inspired. I've never had this thought like, "Wow, what a great use of time. That was so helpful. I should definitely spend another two hours criticizing myself tomorrow." Yeah, that never happens. Um, the self-judgment doesn't make me inspired. It doesn't make me stronger or wiser or healthier. It just makes me feel like crap. And what strikes me tonight is that while I can't always control the thoughts that show up, I do have a say in which voice gets the microphone because there is another voice available, a voice that notices things that I can appreciate, things I can be grateful for, like the comfortable mattress beneath me right now, the fact that I had a really great meal tonight. By the way, I made one of those Instagram recipes, and if you've ever made an Instagram recipe, you know that they're either the bomb or they totally bomb. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. Thankfully, the one I made tonight was pretty good, but I digress. Back to the voice. The voice that notices that I have the luxury of resting right now. Not everybody does. And that my body, despite everything I've put it through, continues to carry me through my days, and that maybe this body deserves a little gratitude before it receives another performance review. Now, I'm not suggesting we stop caring about the things that matter, that we stop caring about our bodies. If I wanna exercise more, great. If I wanna take a walk, that's cool. If I wanna build strength, that's fantastic. But that's a very different energy from punishing myself for being where I am right now. So maybe this started out as a bit of a rant, but I think what it is is really more of a battle cry, not against aging or menopause, not against soft arms or cellulite, but against the habit of putting ourselves on trial. So if you're still listening to this and you've been judging yourself lately, whether it's your body, the state of your house, your parenting, your career, your bank account, or something else entirely, I'd invite you to ask yourself a simple question: What is the return on investment? What exactly is all that self-judgment producing? Because I've looked pretty hard, and I don't think the payoff is outweighing the cost. And maybe that's where change begins, not by trying to improve ourselves, but by questioning whether that voice that's criticizing you deserves quite so much authority. Anyway, those are my thoughts from bed tonight. I'll talk to you soon Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies. If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in. And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too. Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them. I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself. And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.