66: The Comparison Trap | When Comparing Yourself Helps, and When It Hurts

Comparison gets a bad rap. But is comparing yourself to someone else always harmful?

After catching herself in a particularly unhelpful cycle of comparison, Tania explores the difference between comparison that inspires growth and comparison that becomes evidence for everything we fear might be wrong with us.

From someone else's seemingly successful life to an old journal entry that reveals just how long she's been playing this game, Tania asks a question worth considering: What are you hoping comparison will tell you?

Transcript

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Tania 0:03

Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free. I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole. Let's jump in.

Speaker 0:27

Welcome back to another episode of Banish the Lies. It's a sunny, hot day outside my window as I record this, but inside my head, it's been cloudy with severe thunderstorms over the last few days. And the root cause of the storms, you ask? Well, I've been engaging in something that I strongly advise other people I care about never to do, and that thing is, drum roll, please, comparison. It's like drinking poison, truly. And for some reason, I've been doing it a lot over the last few days. I'll also add that I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, especially since launching a podcast called Banish the Lies and repeating the message that we all carry inherent worth. It feels a little embarrassing to admit that I've been freely engaging in copious amounts of comparison, as well as the self-judgment that can result from this useless activity. And I don't know why exactly. Well, actually, I should probably back up here for a moment. Comparison itself I think is pretty normal. In fact, I think that's how many of us form so much of our sense of self or identity in the first place. When you think about it, you know, growing up, the labels that we're given or that we assign ourselves are often generated from comparison. You know, very early on, uh, we learn that, for example, we're the academic one, which was me, or the sporty one, or the funny one, or the tall one, et cetera, et cetera. And in school, you know, even the grading system is based on comparison, whether that's to every other student or to some standard that someone set or to both. Comparison is a part of life, so maybe comparison itself isn't always the problem. And as I'm saying this, I'm realizing that maybe it's what we're looking for when we compare. I can remember in the months leading up to my podcast launch, I started listening to successful podcasters in a way I never had before, and I started listening through a lens of comparison. You know, I was thinking about what makes Mel Robbins' interviews so effective, or, what can I learn from Steven Bartlett that will make me a better podcast host? These are some of the questions I was asking myself. I was comparing my skills to theirs, but I was comparing through the lens of wanting to get better. It was comparison for personal growth, and underneath that comparison was the belief or at least some hope that by paying attention to what these other podcasters were doing, I could improve. Now, that's a very different kind of comparison than the poisonous kind we can fall into So maybe the question isn't, "Am I comparing myself?" Maybe it's, "What am I hoping this comparison will tell me?" Because sometimes we're looking for information, sometimes we're looking for inspiration, and sometimes, without even realizing it, we're simply building a case against ourselves. And that's the kind of comparison I've been indulging in lately. It's more evaluative. I'm assessing myself against other people, but unlike the podcast example where I'm looking to learn and improve, this kind of comparison feels like I'm just looking for confirmation that I suck. For me, there can absolutely be some old insecurity underneath it. You know, I'm just sort of on the hunt for proof that one of my greatest fears, that I'm simply not good enough, is actually real. But I don't think you necessarily have to struggle with low self-esteem to fall into this. Sometimes comparison just seems to find, you know, whatever tender spot is there and poke at it. And when I take a step back, none of this actually makes a lot of sense to engage in. I mean, we all come into this world with unique DNA, unique histories, unique sets of skills, talents, weaknesses, and based on all those unique backgrounds, we have different values and desires and dreams and worldviews. I could go on and on. And yet we often compare ourselves against pretty generic standards without ever questioning them. For example, I was speaking to a woman not long ago who by, you know, many worldly standards would be considered successful. She had a lot of money. She took fancy vacations. Um, she was able to send her kids to the best schools, and she drove a nice car, lived in a big house, all the things. And as I spent time with her, I could feel myself shrinking, and I could hear the little whispers of my inner critic warning me not to share too much about myself and not to make it apparent that I wasn't at her level. Yeah, okay. That wasn't one of my proudest Banish the Lies moment, but it's the truth. And there are really two things about this situation that stand out as particularly curious to me First, you know it was also clear that this woman did not have a lot of peace in her life. From what she shared, she seemed to carry a lot of anxiety about keeping up with the Joneses. And I don't know, just the way she spoke communicated a considerable amount of insecurity that I certainly had compassion for, but I also wouldn't aspire to. And I don't say this to judge her, I say it because my brain had somehow latched onto only one part of her life, namely my perception of her bank account, and I compared it to mine without looking at the entire package, so to speak. I had selected one variable, and I turned it into a verdict. She has more money, therefore she's more successful, therefore she's doing life better, therefore I'm doing life worse, which is pretty unsophisticated math. And secondly, building on that point, never once did I stop and ask myself, "What is my definition of success?" I just judged her as rich and therefore successful and therefore better than me. Now, to be clear, I do consider financial abundance to be part of my definition of success. But when I get honest, my definition is also a lot bigger than that, and I think that's important because how easily do we fall into comparison based on other people's definitions of what's good, what's attractive, impressive, or successful without stopping to ask ourselves, "Does that even align with what is truly important to me?" And who decides what belongs on, you know, the scorecard of my life? And am I even playing a game I actually want to win at? Now, going back to this woman, let's just call her Nancy. Even if Nancy appeared to have it all, you know, money, confidence, happiness, whatever, it still makes no sense, no matter how natural it might be to compare myself to her purely through the lens of how I don't measure up. I came across a quote, actually, that I think makes this point rather well, and it says, "You can't see someone's whole story. Don't judge your chapter against their highlight reel." And of course, this is even more critical in the world of social media. We compare ourselves to the best parts of someone's life, you know, the shiny parts, but we never really know what someone is living. I remember when I was pregnant several years ago with my daughter Quinn, one of my colleagues at the time came up to me and said, "I'm so happy for you, and I'm also so envious of you." And I remember smiling and asking her to explain herself, and she went on to say, "Well, you know, first, you're gonna be a great mom. You're always so calm, you're so wise, and you're patient, and I just know motherhood is going to be amazing for you." And then she went on to say, "And now you're moving to the US, and you're on this amazing journey with your new husband, and I know it's just all gonna be amazing." Now, on the surface, she was partly right. I was incredibly grateful for having gotten married and for being pregnant. But I was entirely amused by the rest of what she said. She had no idea how hard I was battling anxiety at the time. Her perception of me as being so calm, in fact, I think she used the word zen, was so far removed from my inner experience. And then what she couldn't possibly have known at the time was that that move to the US, where I had no friends, no family, would be just one of the things that contributed to a very scary postpartum season after my daughter was born. Again, like the quote says, you can't see someone's whole story. And I've been on both sides of that now. I've looked at someone else's life and assumed that they were doing better than me based on what I could see And I've had someone look at my life and assume the same thing when they had absolutely no idea what was happening inside of it. But that doesn't stop us from comparing, does it? And beyond being illogical, this type of comparison can be downright harmful because if you're like me, when you engage in what I'm calling toxic or evaluative comparison, one of the emotions it can provoke is shame, deep shame And shame, my friends, keeps you stuck. Stuck in fear, sadness, disappointment, regret, guilt. Shame has many friends, and none of them are ones you wanna invite to a party. So unlike the podcasting example I shared where I felt inspired by other people, comparison that leads to shame steals your joy, but it can also rob you of hope, inspiration, and the motivation to move forward. It essentially can leave you feeling like, "What's the point anyway?" And maybe one of the most damaging things about it is that, you know, you've stopped paying attention to your own life, what you want, who you are, what matters to you, what you're called to do, the difference that only you can make in this world. You've placed all your attention outside yourself, and you've handed over your power to someone else's life. I think a journal entry I found from many, many years ago makes the point. I wrote down the following: "It's so easy for me to ignore my own accomplishments in business and in life when I'm caught up in the things I haven't yet done. I don't have a podcast show." So clearly that was on my mind many years ago. And then I went on to say, "I don't make cool videos on social media." I'm not, I'm not sure exactly why I wrote that down. And then I wrote, "My friend is back in shape after her baby already, and her baby is younger than mine. I don't do craft afternoons with my daughter like the moms in my mommy group. I spend too much time working, and I don't make time for fun and friends. I don't earn enough money. I don't set big enough goals for my life." And the list went on and on. And then apparently I tried to give myself a little pep talk because I wrote, "When you get caught up in 'I don'ts', you will lose every damn time. Instead, try this. Stop trying so damn hard to win at being someone else and start working your ass off to win at being you. Ask yourself, what would the best version of you do? Now, I don't know if I got that last bit from some self-help book. I didn't write an attribution, so apologies to whoever might have said it first, but I think it's a great question, and maybe that's where I need to bring myself back when I notice that I'm doing this. Not how do I measure up to Nancy? Not why haven't I accomplished what she has? Or what does her life say about mine? But what am I hoping this comparison will tell me? Am I looking for information? Am I looking for inspiration? Is there genuinely something here I wanna learn from, or am I simply building a case against myself? Because if I am, maybe I don't need to win that case. Maybe I need to stop trying to win at being someone else and bring my attention back to the only life I actually have power over: mine. What matters to me? What do I want? What does success actually look like for me, and what would the best version of me do next? Now, I suspect comparison is going to keep showing up. I don't really think the goal is to somehow become a person who never compares herself to anyone ever again. But maybe when I start to sense those clouds rolling in, I can get a bit better at noticing when I'm using comparison to learn and when I'm simply using it to manufacture my own thunderstorms

Tania 14:24

Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies. If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in. And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too. Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them. I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself. And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.