The One Thing Most People Get Wrong When Someone Is Struggling

When someone comes to you in pain — a friend, a partner, a client, a team member — the instinct is to fix. To advise. To solve. In this episode, Afzal Patni breaks down why that instinct almost always backfires, the five-step sequence that actually helps people move through difficulty, and the recent personal moment that proved the entire approach.

Don't Forget - If you are the one helping and following the Sequence make sure you don't enter a negative emotional spiral. If you feel that it's getting a bit draining on your own emotion, then recommend them to someone professional. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Something happened recently that I want to share because it taught me or rather confirmed something important about how people actually change or how people actually heal. Someone very close to me was going through something painful, and afterwards she told me what helped, and it was not what I expected, it was not the guidance I gave her. That was much later. It was not the perspective or the reframe or anything that sounded like coaching. It was the moment before all of that. The moment I said, I understand this is painful, and I actually understood her emotions where she's coming from. It was right, it hurts her, it was hurting her. She said that was the first time in the whole situation she felt actually seen, not managed, not fixed, seen by anyone in her entire life, and everything that came after the guidance, the perspective, all of it only landed because the moment came first. Today I want to break down why this works, why almost everyone gets it backwards, and the exact sequence I know I right now use in every difficult conversation, personal or professional. So the fixing instinct backfires technically. Why? Because when someone comes to us, let's say in pain, almost everyone does the same thing. We jump to solution, an answer, a fix, a rush to change it. And actually, many times you must have heard women saying that they don't want solution, they just want to be heard, they just want to be understood. They just want people to give them the presence, and many times the other side of the party always rush to conclusion because that is how we are rewired as well to get to the solution. So here is what you should do instead. Have you tried this? It is not that bad, okay? Let me show you how it worked in my situation as well. Every one of these responses come from a good place, and every one of them fails. And responses like, have you tried this? Have you done this? Oh, why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? All of this are good guidance can be excellent, but have you acknowledged have you understood what the person is going through? So when someone is in pain and immediately you move to fix it, you send a message you do not intend to send. The message is your feeling is a problem, it needs to be resolved quickly because it is uncomfortable for me as well. And in the whole process, we being human beings, our emotions if not at rest, then what is the point of the solution? And the person hears that also, not consciously, but somewhere underneath they register that their pain is being managed rather than met, so they do not they do say do do one or two things, okay. They either perform feeling better, or you will stop fixing, or they just stop sharing entirely, and this situation is all gone and over, and then the buildup happens depending on relation to relation, situation to situation to situation, it just in in the future misfires, office dynamics, relationship, parents and child relationship, relationship with colleagues, friends. When you are talking to someone or someone is talking to you, and the feeling is not understood, it kind of going to build resentment as well. So the fixing instinct is not completely into the kindness, even though you would want perfect thing for that person, but fixing it immediately is not the key, it is discomfort wearing kindness clothes, discomfort for either of the party, not even the one who is providing the solution, but even the one who is receiving it, because like I said, it is either your emotion should be controlled or your emotions are troubling me. It sends that message underneath, so we fix because sitting with someone's pain without solving it genuine is genuinely hard, it requires toleration, our own helplessness, and most people have never built that capacity, and it's completely okay. Not everyone can take in the negative emotional charge. Why? Because, like I said, it the acknowledgement factor all goes out of the picture. And here's a sequence that actually works, it's a five-step sequence. I'm going to walk through each step because the order matters more than people realize, and I want to put it out there. This is this is from my framework which I charge people for, but this is completely about helping people, and I can't not share it out because not I'm pretty sure that I will be able to reach almost a lot of people who have I will be able to reach through my resources. But there might be still people out there who would get this framework who whose multiplication will happen in alongside of passing down this knowledge, and they would really appreciate it. Not me, but the person who is helping them. Just be there. When someone shares something difficult, the first discipline is entering without a pre-formed conclusion. You do not know what is happening. Simple. Even if it sounds familiar, even if you have heard a hundred similar stories, this specific person in this specific moment, in this specific pain, you do not know yet. Simple. So you stay open, you ask, you listen to the answer instead of waiting for your turn to the sport. Step number two, acknowledge the pain. Before anything else, before understanding the details, before your guidance, you name what is true. This is painful. Understand the emotion, understand that particular pin point of is it pain, is it distress, whatever it is. Understand that and address it, and it is right. You understand that it is going to hurt that person, it must be hurting that person at that moment, and you you feel that okay. This must be hurting. You feel bad for you feel sorry for that situation to arise as human being to another human being. Those words are your honest version of them. Do something almost nothing else can do, they give the person permission to feel what they are already feeling, they remove the second layer of suffering automatically. In this, the part where the person is fighting their own pain on top of experiencing it, that gets removed because no one likes to be in that situation, but you're making sure that person understands it's okay, it happened, is a feeling which is also okay, so that person can process it, you know, because they are also fighting internally with that emotion. Step number three understand why it hurts. Now you go deeper, not to fix to understand why is it hurting, because what is this touching exactly? Often the surface situation is not the real source, it can be definitely in the lines of loop, which is repeating in different aspects of life. So we understand the real source of it. The cancel plant is not about the plan itself, the criticism at work is not about the work, the pain has roots, and asking why it hurts gently, genuinely helps both of you find them. Because let's say if someone came to you saying, Oh, I'm facing this issue in the work, your direct answer will be change the work, change your job profile, change the department. So now you understand why the initial phase of step number one of open mindset is also important because many times you will be providing an answer to that problem which the person is saying, not the underlying actual problem that is yet to be discussed. Now, step number four is guide. Only now, after that, they feel met. After the pain is acknowledged, after you understand what is actually underneath, now the guidance lands because they are no longer defending against being fixed, they are open in the same advice that would have bounced off in a minute, one gets received completely in a minute, and then comes the step number 5. Keep them feeling seen throughout. That is the most important element. This is the one that gets forgotten altogether. The seeing is not a phase at the start, it runs throughout the whole conversation. Your presence should be there. Small genuine moments of noticing, noticing them as a full person, how they are crying, why they are crying, if they are what is their body like, you know, comforting them that is an important factor, not just a problem being processed that continuous seeing is what makes the difference between a conversation that helps and the conversation that heals, and now here is why I'm sharing this podcast about emotional pattern entrepreneurship because after telling you all the sequence and how they are about the flow of it, how they should be taken. It is exactly how real coaching works as well, and it is exactly what most coaching gets wrong. Many times you know people try different methodology, different coaching, and they don't get the results, and then the whole thing is kept at the bench, say thinking that this was not for them, and it never works out, and then we take different trajectory or pathways that is not going to heal as well, but at least it applies banded from time to time, which doesn't help either in long term. So, most coaching and most advice giving in the business space, especially starts at step number four guidance, framework, strategy. This is what you should do, and produces the same result it produced in personal conversation, simple as that. The personal note take notes, agrees intellectually, change nothing because the guidance arrived before understanding it bounce off the same defenses. Simple as that. You never understood the root cause of the problem in itself. If you're if you have understood also the root cause, let's say you are very experienced person and you have understood the you understand exactly what the people is going through, and the person is going through, and you give that advice also, even that won't land because the opposite person not completely a hundred percent will be with you on that point. They must have thought, okay, this person just analyzed from the surface, didn't understand my emotions, and then again the advice just bounces off. So when someone books a call with me after watching the video, after filling the form, the first part of the conversation is that this is never the advice, it is steps one, two, three, not assuming acknowledging what they are caring, understanding why it actually hurts, why is almost never the surface region they wrote in the form itself. Sometimes it is so deep that it is very important to acknowledge because if I'm giving my time to them and they are giving their time and emotions to me, sharing their personal space with me, it is my duty automatically to actually get a resolved, not just do a surface level work and give the same guidance to everyone that differences everything in relationship, in coaching, in leadership, in parenting, in every human interaction where one person is struggling and another wants to help. One thing to take into a week the next time someone shares something difficult with you, your partner, a team member, a friend, catch that fixing instinct before it completes. Pause it, just pause it, and instead try the simplest version of step two. Say that sounds genuinely hard, acknowledge it and make sense that it hurts. Because if something happens in your life too, you would feel it in similar lines as well. So you know that human understanding to another human understanding is way important, and one person understands the other through this line. Always remember we connect each other through this emotions and consciousness in there. Understanding each other's emotions. If we all try to look into that path, it wouldn't take much time for everyone for all of us to connect. Then in all this factor, just stay quiet. Let the person speak, let your presence be the part, play the part. Exactly. You let your presence be there, let them keep going. Watch what happens, watch how much more they share, watch how the conversation deepens, watch how by the end they often find their own way forward without your without you needing to give a simple piece of advice as well. And it happens many times, you know. After sharing, people say that I just wanted someone to hear me out, and they automatically start formulating, you know, they automatically get the clarity because before they are fighting their own emotions, now they have detached from it automatically, but just by speaking it out, and it is just crazy that that is what being met does, it gives people back access to their own clarity, and second, the human to human connection just forms in a brilliant manner. And if you want a conversation like that about what you're caring, watch the free video and see if it resonates. Link is in the bio. I will see you on Monday.