Different Person, Same Relationship — Why the Pattern Keeps Repeating

You leave one relationship, start another, and somehow end up in exactly the same dynamic. In this episode, Afzal Patni breaks down why relationship patterns repeat with different people, why the pattern is information rather than punishment, and a simple exercise to find the one thread running through all of them.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

I want to talk about something that quietly breaks people's faith in relationships altogether. And this goes on not only in relationship, but some of it mannerism is also seen in partnerships, in work partnerships, and relationship with any close one, sometimes friends and family as well. But first, we're going to start with the relationship part. You are in one relationship. You take some time. What is it that keeps on repeating? And after this happens, two or three times something shifts. You stop believing partnership works at all. And you start protecting yourself. And in doing that, you stop asking the only question that would actually change it. Why does this keep happening? Now there are multiple reasons how it starts, but we will go to the uncomfortable truth first. If the same dynamic keeps showing up with different people, the common factor is not the people, it is you. And I want to be very clear about how I mean that because it's not a blame, it is not that you are broken or that you are choosing badly on purpose, it is that you are running a pattern you cannot see from inside. Inside your emotional charge, sometimes you have to go into observer mode to see what is happening on repeat. And here is how it works. Somewhere early in your life, you learn something about love. Maybe you learn that love had to be earned through usefulness. So you overgive. Maybe you learned that you need or your needs were an inconvenience. So you shrink them and then feel unseen. Maybe you learned that love was unpredictable. So you chase because chasing feels like natural shape of love to you, where you want to know everything. Because little uncertainty keeps you awake and always in thinking. Whatever it was, it became your template, and your system now recognizes the template as what love feels like, not what love should be, what it feels like. So when you meet someone who fits that template, something in your lights up, it feels like chemistry, like recognition, like this is right, but often what you are actually recognizing is familiarity. The system saying, Ah, I know the shape, and the people who do not fit the template can feel that boring or somehow not quieted because they do not activate the pattern, and this is why it repeats you're not choosing badly, you're choosing familiarity, and familiarity is not the same as good at now. This is a scientific aspect. If you think about it from spiritual angle, there is always energy attracts energy, whatever energy you're putting out there is the same energy you'll attract, which is exactly similar to the pattern recognition and attraction and chemistry. What I just told, just from the eyes of spirituality. So whatever vibe the indirect vibe, not the direct vibe, whatever indirect vibe of energy you are placing out there is the same kind of person you'll attract in the energy region, and that is where the pattern is formed again because the energy vibe has not quite changed, because this vibe is operating from familiarity. Now, here is the reframe that matters most. The reputation is not punishment, it is not evidence that you are unlucky in love or that partnership does not work for you, it is information, insistent repeated information about something that has not been looked at yet. Think about it this way: if something keeps showing up in your life, no matter how the external circumstances change, it is not really about the external circumstances, it is pointing inwards, it is in your own material asking for attention, and it will keep showing up not to hurt you actually, but consider it like you are the god's favorite child. If something similar is happening to show you something, that is exactly how the pattern works, and the patterns come to your life in the same manner, they repeat until they are seen, and the more favorite child you are, the more it recurs in a similar situation, so it's easy to pinpoint rather than it appearing very vaguely, which is very difficult to pinpoint. And this is actually good news though it does not feel like it at first. I know that feeling is pretty toxic, pretty irritating, you get agitated, you feel unheard, you feel miserable at times. But because the problems were the people you kept meeting, no. You would be at the mercy of luck forever. If the pattern is yours, it is workable. You have the access to it and you can change it. The hardest part is not the changing, it is the willingness to look at yourself as part of the equation without turning that into self-blame. Those two things are very different. Blame says I am the problem, awareness says I am carrying something, and now I can put it down. And when you see it with this lens, oh my god, everything will change for you. You the problems which appear in your life in the form of anything or any problem, you will have such a beautiful approach towards the problem that the problem will start feeling like an actual problem, rather, a test which is coming, and you will be so happy to solve it, solve it in a manner where it's not lifting your negative emotion up to the roof, and then you are growing something about it. No, it will be just like a smooth flow of the emotions, and you will be easily be able to pass through that phase or phases, depending on what kind of scenarios are there in your testing life. So, here is the exercise. Do this properly with paper, not just in your head, because if you just think about it, you're just going to go in either in negative spiral or you will forget about it. So, write down your significant past relationships, not the details, the feelings for each one. Write down how you felt inside, especially near the end. What was the dominant emotional experience? Unseen, exhausted, anxious, not enough, responsible for everything, communication, unheard. Then look for the thread, do not look for what other people had in common. What that is distraction, and often they had nothing in common on the surface, if you think about it, because you wanted to deviate from that internal pattern, that's why you would look for different kind of scenario. But the back part is the sublime structure of emotion, that is where the similarity hides. Look for what you felt in each one, that is where the consistency lives, and it will be there. Almost always, one feeling or one behavior repeats across all of them. You always overgave, you always waited for validation that never came, you always suppressed your need to keep peace, you always chose people who were somehow unavailable. Whatever surfaces that is the pattern, that is the thing that has been running underneath every relationship you have had, and this is going to be the biggest eye-opener for you. Similar goes for the partnership, similar goes for the friend-to-friend relationship and family. Unfortunately, that region is where you don't keep on changing your family or your friendship, but you will see an underlying pattern that makes you agitated in scenarios. So do look for that. What is it? And here's the important part. Once you can name it, you can start catching it in real time. The next time you feel that pull, the familiar chemistry, you can pause and ask whether this is genuine connection or your pattern recognition its own shape. Now the pause is when the cycle actually breaks. That is the actual pause which you have to take. So if you are someone who has started to lose faith in relationships altogether, I want to offer a different reading of your history. You're not bad at love, you are running a template you never chose and have never examined. And the reputation is not the universe being cruel towards you, it is the same lesson coming back around, waiting for you to finally look at it. Do the exercise this week, line them up, find the feeling that repeats, and I'm going to tell you a quick secret in this as well. Once you notice the pattern when you do the work, you will notice that some form of it is affecting your life heavily, though. For example, if you are someone who wants that same love and affection, if looking for it, but you're not getting it, there's a high chance it will be taking a toll in your work also where you're planning to learn something, but you have a big time fear of visibility, big time a fear of asking clients for that amount of money. Check it, it might be true. Do this exercise this way, line the bug, find a feeling that repeats and be gentle with what you find. You don't have to judge your feeling because whatever it is, it was formed in you long before you had any say in it. So if you want to help finding and clearing the pattern at the root, that is what the free video and a conversation with me are for. The link is in the bio. I'll see you on Monday. You can join my WhatsApp community as well, where I share twice a week insights or things which you can do that will help you out in small small regions of your life. Anxiety, overthinking, everything. Go through it after there's a calendar link to book the meeting. Do that, and we'll connect on the next podcast.