The Man in Motion Podcast

Episode 13: You Said No… And Everything Got Worse

• Bob Kaucher • Episode 13

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You said no.
 And everything got worse.

The room shifted.
 People pushed back.
 And now you’re sitting there thinking—did I just make this worse?

This is the part of setting boundaries no one talks about.
 Not the idea of it… the reality.

If this hit, share it with someone who needs to hear it. 

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Presented by Madison’s Path
https://madisonspath.com

SPEAKER_00

You finally said no. You've set a boundary, a hard line, and you're proud of yourself. Somehow, instead of everything getting better, though, everything gets harder. People push back. Situations get tense. And now you're left sitting here thinking, did I make this worse? You did not. You didn't create a problem. You just exposed one that was already there. Welcome to the Man in Motion Podcast, episode 13. You said no, and everything got worse. I'm Bob, and this is a show about paying attention to what most people don't in real time while it's happening. No hype, no fixing, just awareness, responsibility, and the work that doesn't get talked about. Ever forward. Let's get into it. We spent the last couple episodes talking about burnout and how we get there. And the causes of it. Last week we spoke about alignment, alignment with your values and how that plays into burnout. So this week we're going to take a look at setting boundaries. There's a million podcasts out there that are going to give you a thousand and one steps of setting boundaries. No one actually talks about what it feels like when you do.

SPEAKER_01

Because it's not going to feel good at first. It's really not. It's going to be uncomfortable as hell. There's going to be pushback.

SPEAKER_00

The first time it happens, you're going to say it. You're going to say no, or you're going to set your expectation or set your line that I'll do only this and nothing else.

SPEAKER_01

And then it's just going to hang there for a second. And the people that are used to you not having boundaries, they're going to feel it too.

SPEAKER_00

They're going to feel that something's different. And big surprise, uh, people are afraid of change. I know this is going to shock most of you. People are afraid of change.

SPEAKER_01

So the whole room is going to shift. And it's going to feel pretty damn tense.

SPEAKER_00

And in an instant, you're going to know this is not going to be clean. This is not going to be easy.

SPEAKER_01

And if you're anything like me, the first time you do it, you're going to be pissed off because you're tired of it. But your heart is going to be up in your throat. And then comes the first response, the what do you mean?

SPEAKER_00

Or it'll be, since when is that a thing? Or why is that suddenly a thing? And you can tell from the tone, it's not curiosity.

SPEAKER_01

It is 100% resistance. Some people won't take it seriously.

SPEAKER_00

They're going to just push it aside like you didn't say anything, and they're going to keep going with whatever it was. And they're going to assume that you're just going to cave. Or my favorite, the people that just they don't even argue. They just pressure you. They tell you, yeah, no, this is what's happening.

SPEAKER_01

And the room's going to shift. The whole tone of the conversation.

SPEAKER_00

Things are going to get tight. You can feel it. Even if nobody says anything about it, the whole room's going to start getting uncomfortable. And then you're going to sit there and feel like you have to explain it. You have to start justifying. You have to make it easier for them to accept. And in that moment, you just went from setting a boundary to defending it.

SPEAKER_01

You've seen this. Just probably never actually put it to thought or word.

SPEAKER_00

And you know what I'm saying is true, you're probably sitting there going, holy shit, he's right. And it's because the moment you change something, everything around it reacts.

SPEAKER_01

Because nothing likes change. People are going to struggle with this because they didn't change. You did.

SPEAKER_00

You decided that something was no longer acceptable. You decided that this is the line and I will not cross. I will not move.

SPEAKER_01

But they still want to operate how they're comfortable. So it creates friction. People are used to how you've responded in the past. They're used to you just accepting. And when you start setting boundaries, at first it's gonna be difficult. Most people just go with the flow. They go with the system. And they're going to expect that once something starts, it's gonna continue.

SPEAKER_00

You know, the whole object in motion tends to stay in motion idea.

SPEAKER_01

And when that gets disrupted, it makes people take notice. People are always not expecting change.

SPEAKER_00

And I don't get this because nothing stays the same. We get so bent out of shape whenever anything changes.

SPEAKER_01

But change is the only constant.

SPEAKER_00

You know, I mentioned this idea a few uh couple episodes ago, the idea of uh neuroplasticity. The idea that your brain creates these pathways that form how we handle pretty much everything. And these neural pathways are essentially habits. And anything that disrupts these habits that make you step outside those neural pathways, it gets noticed because it's it's not we're optimized for repeatability. We're not optimized for change, believe it or not. Um, the way our brain works, we respond well to repeating pattern. We don't. It's it's just how it is.

SPEAKER_01

So anything that changes that is going to be noticed. So when you stop saying yes, when you stop showing up and stop just handling things, when you stop just being the person that everyone dumps everything on and just, alright, I'll just handle it.

SPEAKER_00

You know, it's it's easier than pushing back.

SPEAKER_01

And that pattern gets broken, people sit up and notice pretty damn quick.

SPEAKER_00

And I don't want you to think that people are gonna push back maliciously. Some will. Some are gonna be like, no, no, no, no. This is this, you've done this all the time, this is your job, I'm not handling this, even though it is technically theirs. Some people, they just are afraid of change. And them pushing back, it's not malicious, it's not them trying to keep you small, it's them trying to reinforce the system that's already been there. You're gonna have the people that ask again, just just to see. Was that a one-time thing, or is is this actually the new normal? Because most people are gonna have that idea that this is just temporary, they've gotta I don't know, stick up their butt today or something about this, and uh they're just having a bad day. Quote unquote.

SPEAKER_01

They'll come around. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But then inside of you, as they start pushing, the very thing that makes you do it, the very thing that makes you say yes to something you don't want to is now going to show up. And it's guilt.

SPEAKER_01

And it's gonna show up quick. Because you're gonna feel like you've done something wrong. And you haven't, to be clear, you haven't done a damn thing wrong. There's nothing wrong with having boundaries.

SPEAKER_00

And this is your pattern trying to reinforce itself. This is your neural pathways saying, no, no, no, this is how we do this. This is how we do this. But we can change them. We can change neural pathways through being intentional, interrupting old habits, and then building new ones. You know, these these neural pathways, they're not written in stone. They're changeable. We are changeable creatures. We adapt, we grow, we overcome.

SPEAKER_01

So that guilt, that feeling of, should I really be doing this? That's not you. That's that's that's your habits trying to reinforce themselves.

SPEAKER_00

But with both of these pressures, the external and internal pressure hitting you at the same time, you're gonna feel like you need to explain yourself. You're going to have this overwhelming desire to make it make sense to them.

SPEAKER_01

And you're gonna soften your language. You're gonna start over-justifying and over-explaining something that was crystal clear. And then you're gonna find that you're gonna start negotiating your own boundary.

SPEAKER_00

And none of this means you did anything wrong. It means something has changed and everything around you is reacting. And see, this is the point in boundary setting where shit starts getting real. It's where the idea stops being theory, and it starts costing you because.

SPEAKER_01

And this is the thing that no one wants to talk about.

SPEAKER_00

It is good and healthy and right to set boundaries. You have every right to have boundaries and have them respected, and for them to be where you're comfortable. Like, there's there's no question on that.

SPEAKER_01

What it doesn't mean is that it comes without a cost. And that's the thing most people miss. That's where people start to cave. Because everyone around you that's pushing against your boundaries, it doesn't just stay verbal. It begins there. But it's not just comments anymore.

SPEAKER_00

The behaviors, the the pushing, the the prodding, the poking, it's not gonna go away.

SPEAKER_01

They're gonna keep pushing for a while. And things are gonna get awkward, it's gonna get weird.

SPEAKER_00

And relationships, people who you have good relationships with are gonna get tense around you because they're not gonna know what to do with this, they're not gonna know how to deal with this change in you. That's where you're really gonna start thinking about the consequences. What is what is this new boundary going to cost me? Because they do. I I can't believe no one else talks about this. You know, everyone says, oh, set boundaries and it'll be beautiful and be wonderful, it'll be great, but no one wants to acknowledge that it has a cost. It is going to not be comfortable. It's going to suck. There's no other way to say it. Setting boundaries is hard because there is a cost, and you have to weigh the balance between the cost and the benefit of the boundary. That risk. It could be very real things. It could cost you money, it could cost you stability, could cost you a job even. And it's going to change how people see you and how they interact with you and how they react to you. And it's going to very quickly become. This isn't abstract. This is this is real. I'm I'm in this shit right now. And as the pressure builds, you're going to have these thoughts.

SPEAKER_01

You know, I should have just said yes.

SPEAKER_00

Is it really worth all this? I mean, I know how to make all this go away. And I've done this a hundred times before. What's one more time, right? What what is it gonna hurt to do it again? And the most insidious one, that relief is right there. You can make all this stop, and everything can go back to quote unquote normal.

SPEAKER_01

Very simply. And that's the problem. Normal wasn't healthy for you. The way things were not where you want to be. The idea of staying the same is is not a good one. Because the only things that don't grow are dead.

SPEAKER_00

So those people around you that are testing that line, that new line, they're not gonna test it just once. They are going to hit it again and again and again.

SPEAKER_01

They're gonna ask like the first no didn't happen.

SPEAKER_00

They're going to reframe their ask to make it sound smaller or more reasonable. Or, my favorite, they're gonna have someone else come in and ask for the exact same thing.

SPEAKER_01

Or they're gonna change their tone.

SPEAKER_00

They could be nicer, or they could be more urgent, like it's an emergency, and I really need you to just do this for me right now. And my all-time favorite, just this one time, it's just make this exception this one time. Right. And this is where most people start to fold. This is where things turn inward and the doubt starts to creep in. And inevitably the thought shows up, did I just make this worse? And you start second-guessing your decision. And what felt like a clear line before is so freaking muddy now that you can't even begin to see the definition of.

SPEAKER_01

So you start rewriting it.

SPEAKER_00

You soften how you said it. You adjust the language in your head, you start looking for a better way to say it. You start looking for a way to make it land better. So you move into explanation mode, right? We go back to that explaining it again. And you're just, you just, if they would just understand this. But what you're trying to do is to reduce their tension. You're trying to manage their reaction.

SPEAKER_01

You're feeling the pressure to relieve this tension. You know how to make it stop. You've done it before, right? It's one small adjustment and all smooths out, and everything can go back to how it was.

SPEAKER_00

You start you start justifying, you start walking it back. Uh, you know, maybe just once wouldn't hurt. Or it's not that big of a deal.

SPEAKER_01

I didn't mean it like that. And that line starts to blur. And you slip back into that old pattern.

SPEAKER_00

Back to what you've always done. The tension disappears, and everything feels normal. But nothing's actually changed, and you're right back where you started from.

SPEAKER_01

And that, my friends, is the problem. And this is what most people miss.

SPEAKER_00

They think that setting the boundary causes a problem. Boundary didn't create the problem. Nothing new actually showed up. The situation that was there that showed up, it was already there. And that tension, it doesn't come from the boundary. What the boundary did is make it visible. It takes something that was easy to ignore and it makes it where you can't not look at it.

SPEAKER_01

The pattern undeniable now.

SPEAKER_00

And if the truth is being told, the way things work after you set the boundary is much clearer. So why does it feel so much worse? There's no buffer anymore. You can't pretend it's not there. You can't bullshit yourself into saying, oh no, no, I'm just handling this. It's easier. Easier for me to take care of this. You're forced to stare directly at it instead of managing around it. Boundary is not going to change anything. It's not going to break anything. It's not the boundary itself didn't damage the relationship. It's not going to create this tension out of nowhere. It's not changing reality. It's exposing what's actually already there.

SPEAKER_01

And this is the part that most people never hear about. This is the part nobody tells you. Setting boundaries. It's not gonna feel clean.

SPEAKER_00

It doesn't feel like progress. It doesn't feel like relief. It feels tense and it feels like something went wrong.

SPEAKER_01

I'll tell you, there's a story I love. I use a lot. I might have even said it once on here. I can't remember. The most interesting fact about a lobster.

SPEAKER_00

Lobsters do not age. They are effectively immortal. They never die from old age. They just grow and they grow and they grow and they grow. And it has to do with a whole bunch of sciencey things about cellular replication and whatnot. I'm not going to bore you with the details. But they don't age. A lobster cannot die of old age. They will live to be a million years old if nothing else kills it. But an equally interesting fact about a lobster is that its shell does not grow.

SPEAKER_01

Every so often the lobster has to crack off its shell and grow a new one.

SPEAKER_00

And the interesting part about this, and the reason I bring it up, is that the lobster has one very clear signal that it's time for growth.

SPEAKER_01

And that signal is that it gets uncomfortable in its own skin. Discomfort tells the lobster that it's time to break its shell.

SPEAKER_00

And it's time to slip out of it. A larger one, a bigger one, a one that's more capable of encompassing what the lobster currently is rather than what it's been.

SPEAKER_01

When you set a boundary, my friends, you're cracking off that old shell. That tension that you're feeling, that's not failure. It's not a sign that you fucked things up. Just like the lobster. It's what happens when something gets exposed. Boundaries aren't proven when you say them.

SPEAKER_00

I could sit here all day and say a thousand and one boundaries. Until they're tested, until they're pushed.

SPEAKER_01

They don't mean anything. When they meet resistance, that's what actually matters. And then you have a decision to make. You can relieve that pressure. You can go back to what worked before. Or you can stay in it. In the intro, we talk about the work that no one sees. This is the work, my friends. Being uncomfortable. Setting new boundaries. Growth. This is the work. And it's not gonna be perfect. And it's you don't have to be aggressive. You have to just not back off when it gets uncomfortable. You have to let that discomfort help you grow a new shell. That's it for today.

SPEAKER_00

Take what's useful, leave what's not, choose, and keep moving.