Episode 26 - The Choices That Led Me Here

Some choices do not come when life is calm. They come when everything has already fallen apart.

In this episode, Bob talks through three major choices that changed the direction of his life: joining the Marine Corps after his father died, choosing to rebuild after divorce, and deciding what to do with the pain after Madison’s passing.

This is not an episode about blame, fault, or pretending we control everything that happens to us. We do not. But even when life hands us something we never asked for, there comes a point where we have to decide what we are going to do next.

Every choice has a cost. Every path leads somewhere. And not choosing is still a choice.

Take what’s useful. Leave what’s not. Choose and keep moving

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Presented by Madison’s Path
https://madisonspath.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

There are moments in your life where when the road splits, there's a choice in front of you. You know, and sometimes you'll know right away, sometimes it won't be for years. But that next choice is going to change the course of everything. And they don't always come when you're ready, or when you're prepared for it, or even when you're looking for it.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Sometimes it comes when everything's falling apart, when you're grieving, when you're down on your knees. Sometimes it comes when you're standing in the middle of a storm. And everything is painful and you're exhausted, and you don't have anything left to give.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

First came when my dad died.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Second came when my marriage ended, and I had to decide what kind of man I was going to continue to be.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

And the third was when Madison passed. None of these choices were simple. None of them fixed a damn thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

And I didn't make every decision around them perfectly. But each one of those situations changed my life, and I'm going to talk about all three of them today. And I'm not going to talk about them from the perspective of, oh, you can control every single thing that happens to you, because we both know that's bullshit, and you can't. And it's not going to be about the idea that every bad circumstance is not your fault. It's not about blame. It's not about fault. It's about the choice.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

And choices matter.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Welcome to the Man in Motion Podcast, episode 26. The choices that led me here. I'm Bob. Uh this is a show about what it means to be a man in today's world, navigating real life with strength, purpose, and clarity. No hype, no hacks, not fixing yourself. Just awareness, responsibility, and choosing direction while you're already in motion. Ever forward. Let's get to it. So uh you're gonna have to bear with me again today because I'm not working with notes. I I don't know. The last two episodes I've I've made notes, I've worked things up, and I sit down to record them and they just don't work. So I don't know what the hell's going on with that. But you're getting another raw episode today. So what the hell, let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Um, I I I don't know who said it, but there's a saying that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you take it. And I I think that's true.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

I do. Because you you you can't control anything but yourself. But what you do control matters, and what you do with the situations around you and that you find yourself in matters. 1998, when my dad passed. It was very unexpected, it was very quick. Uh, he died from a stroke, uh, had a host of medical issues that I believe were tied to Agent Orange exposure. Um, it's a whole nother story. But my dad dying unexpectedly at the young age of 54.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

It was a shock, and it was hard.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

And uh up until that point in my life, I was I was 23, and uh I always say 17 to 23 were the best years of my life. I had so much fun, and all I did was work and party and have fun and do stupid shit, and it was a good time.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

And my my dad passing marked the end of that time, and I realized number one, I didn't really understand a lot of my past. I didn't understand him, I didn't understand didn't understand a lot. And truthfully, I don't know that I was actually aware. I was just looking for the next good time. He passed when he died unexpectedly like that.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

It made me look around a little bit. I think it was the first thing that really slapped me across the face and said, hey, dipshit.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

There's more to this. So I had to make a choice.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Something had to change. And I had a friend who at the time was going into the Marine Corps. And I don't know what made me do it, but uh I walked into the recruiter's office about uh oh hell, not even a month after my dad's funeral.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

And I was out of shape. You know, 23, it's young.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

To join the Marine Corps, you're an old man. Um I had a lot of weight to lose. I had to lose about 40 pounds just to be able to get in on a on a weight waiver so I could lose another 60 pounds while I was in.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

But uh it was the beginning. In hindsight, I know now that I was looking for two things when I joined the Marine. And it was number one, I needed space.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Uh, there was just so much to unpack, and there was so much to figure out in my head and my relationship with him and with the rest of my family that I needed space. I needed space to be able to figure that out. And I'm not just talking about physical space, I'm talking about time and and the ability to just go figure out who the fuck I was without any influences around me.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

And Paris Island seemed like a great place to do that. What the hell was I thinking? So I I I left. February uh I want to say it was Valentine's Day that I left. 1999. And I was gone for almost five years. And I mean I would come home here and there. Um but by and large, I had five years to figure out who I was and what what I wanted and who I wanted to be, and you know, I didn't make the best of it. Because the first few years of it was just same Bob, different settings. But it started the process, and I think it was a lot of me getting the tools I needed. I should do the work later. Now, here's the part that none of us like, because every decision has a cost. And for me, the cost of that decision was distance with my family. Because we're all reeling from the loss of my father, who was, despite everything that he was, he was a powerful centralizing figure. And me walking away when the family needed me the most. Put some space between us. And there's other events in life that kind of widen that gap. But I don't regret it. I don't regret leaving because it's what I needed. I'm gonna fast forward for a minute.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

I'm gonna talk about the next two decisions, and then I'm gonna bring it back to why they mattered.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Because there is there isn't a theme between all of these.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

The decision itself actually happened in 2013, and I just spent some time getting things set up for it.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Here's what I mean. I was married.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

Um, married to a woman that I had met while I was in the Marine Corps.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

She was she was from where I was originally from. And when I got out of the Marine Corps, I was broken. I was badly broken. I needed help. But I did that thing that we do where we just stuff everything down and ignore everything that we can't stuff down, and drink away the ones that escape that. Um and in hindsight, I don't think that the marriage ever would was right.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

There were times where the relationship was threatening to self-destruct, and I just wouldn't let it. The man that I was trying to become. I was I was trying to put my head back together, I was trying to put myself in a better state. And I was in an environment where I was just expected to produce and I was just expected to provide, and who I was as a person didn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

And I realized I wanted to be a better father than that. I wanted to be a father. I didn't want to just be a paycheck. So I said that I made the decision in 2013, and I did.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

But I also realized that I needed to set things up to where, because of circumstances, my now ex-wife, I needed to make sure she was in a good enough state of health that I could step away for a few months, get myself set up, and then you know, re-engage with my my kids and my my wife, my ex-wife. And so I spent probably 18 months, almost two years, trying to make things into a situation where my girls would be cared for and and and safe while I got myself to a position where, you know, they'd be safe with me. It took me from, I want to say it was right around Thanksgiving of 2013 until April of 2015 to get things set up.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

And then the decision came, and I I moved out. And with that came a whole new set of consequences for that choice, and I had to figure out again who I was, what actually mattered to me, and start rebuilding. And then I'm gonna jump ahead one more. One more we're gonna talk about, and then I'll come back to it all. 2021, July 12th. My daughter, technically stepdaughter, but my daughter, Madison, passed. And that was the final straw. That was me hitting my knees, saying, I can't carry anymore. Can't I can't do this alone, and I need help. And I reached my hand out. And that's hard. That's hard for a man who's spent his entire life being taught to rub some fucking dirt on it and just keep going.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

It's it's one of the defining moments that that led me to this podcast. It's become a defining moment in who I am.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Um I miss Madison. I miss Madison every day. She was. She was something special, man. She was different. She was the kind of girl.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Our relationship was funny because neither one of us were wilting daisies, we'll say. She would uh, she would want A, I'd want B, and we would just go at it. And inevitably it would turn into an argument. And she'd say, fuck you, and I'd say, fuck you, and we'd both walk away. And then five minutes later, she'd be walking up to me, handing me a cookie. Hey, I have an extra cookie. Would you like one? And I would say yes, and we'd smile, and I'd eat the cookie, and we would joke, and that was just that was that was that was us.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

That was how we did it. So losing that, losing her was hard.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Still and not knowing what to do with that. So reaching out like that, needing help, needing a hand, needing something.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Was hard. It was hard. And there's no one there.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

And so the choice there becomes, what do I do with this? What do I do with all this pain? What do I do with this hurt? What do I do?

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Because there's there's nothing, there's no one there. Each time, each of those situations, there was a choice in front of me.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

There was some major event that was a very clear fork in the road where there was a choice to be made.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

And uh I had to decide.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

I had to choose. And these are very large dramatic examples, but uh everyday life everyday life has a dozen of these choices that are potentially just as important, and we don't even realize it.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

With the choice of the Marine Corps, it was a choice of continue as I was or figure out who I am. And maybe even who can I be? Can I change? Can I be different? Or is this what I am? When it came time for the divorce, the question was not can I be different?

SPEAKER_00 18:53

It's how do I become different? It's realizing I deserve better, I want more.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

And I don't like what I am, and I'm not in an environment where I can change that. And then with Madison's passing. You know, Stacy says it said it best, and it's kind of become a our company slogan. Are we gonna be bitter? Or are we gonna be better? We were in a situation where most people, understandably and rightly so, get angry, and they get bitter, and they get angry, and they just lash out. Because how can this be fair? How can this be right?

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Why is why me? And instead, we took it and we're saying, no, no, no, no. We we know where you are, we know that you're down on your knees like that, we know that you're hurting. And it might not be from the loss of a child, it might not be from the loss of a person, it could be the loss of a job or uh anything. Anything, loss of a relationship, it could be uh, you know, car accident, it could be an injury, it could be anything.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

We've we've been there, we've been you, we've been the person that needs the help. Begging for a better way. How can we not show you the better way? How can we stand by and watch you hurt? Can we? I mean, that's really the question. Taking that pain and and using it to be purpose for lifting others up. Three very different, very separate choices. Um what do we what do we do with them? And it it really does come down to the question of do you want to stay where you are? Or do you want to pick a path and move forward? I don't know if I made the right choice. I don't. I think it did. I believe it did. But I made choices.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Each one of them was a choice, each one of them cost me something. Make no mistake. Each one of these choices cost me something. You know, the Marine Corps cost me distance with my family.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Cost me my health.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

You know, my body is not in great shape, we'll put it that way. I struggle with injuries and illnesses to this day from choices I made in the Marine Corps. Um, the divorce, uh, you know, what did it do to my kids? You know, I'm I'm just now starting to recover financially. And then Madison. Did I choose Madison? No, I did not choose what happened to Madison.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

I had no ability to do anything but react. Cost of losing a child.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

The cost of losing someone important in your life, and then taking that pain and living that pain to help others has a cost.

SPEAKER_01 23:18

Why? Because choice the choices matter. They do.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

And I don't get to tell you if the cost is worth it. I don't get to tell you if your choice was the right one. I don't get to tell you if it's worth the price you're paying.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

But what I can tell you is that when it is worth the pain, when your choice is worth the cost, you'll know. You'll know because you'll just feel it. You'll feel it inside of yourself. And then there won't be any question. And then it just becomes a matter of walking the path. Take what's useful. Leave what's not.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Choose. My friends, my brothers and sisters, choose. Because that's what life is. It's choice.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

Choose and keep moving.