Episode 27 - We Know We Need To Change. Why Don't We?

 I recorded this episode five years to the day after we lost Madison. 

This episode wasn't planned around that date—but after the conversations I've had recently, I realized it couldn't be recorded any other day.

And honestly, this one cost me something to get out. 

It's about a question I think every one of us has asked:

We know we need to change... why don't we?

Somewhere along the way, we start believing that being brave means not being afraid.

I don't believe that's true anymore.

Today, I share a lesson my grandfather taught me, a question Madison asked me in our last conversation before she went to the hospital, and why "Be Brave Like Madison" means so much more than a slogan.

If this episode speaks to you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Choose to be brave like Madison—and keep moving.

Ever Forward.

If this hit, share it with someone who needs to hear it. 

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Presented by Madison’s Path
https://madisonspath.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Two completely separate conversations with two different men. Different days, different ages, different situations, different lives. These two men had never met each other. But during the course of these two conversations, both men had said almost exactly the same thing. Almost word for word. I know I need to change. Not I probably should. Not it's a good idea if I change. Not I'm thinking about. No. They said, and I quote, I need to change. And see, here's what stuck with me. This wasn't the first time they'd said this to me. Wasn't a new realization. With both men, we'd had this exact conversation before. This isn't a new thing. They know this. They know the situations that they found themselves in are unhealthy. They both know it's killing them. They know they need something better in their lives, and yet they're both still exactly where they were. Nothing's changed. Not that day, not in the days since our talk. And that's that's the part I can't stop thinking about. Because on one hand, I want to say, how can someone know? And I mean, these men really know in their bones that what they're doing is slowly killing them. And they're staying exactly where they are. They know they need the change, and and yet I've been them. I've been those men. I've been standing at the precipice of that change, recognizing that I needed it. But knowing you need to change and taking that first step, they're not the same thing. And that's what we're talking about today. Welcome to the Man in Motion Podcast, episode 27. We know we need to change. Why don't we? I'm Bob. This is a show about what it means to be a man in today's world. Navigating real life with strength, purpose, and clarity. No hype, no hacks, no fixing yourself, just awareness, grounded thinking, and choosing direction while you're already in motion. Ever forward. Let's get into it. It's a real contradiction. When you can see what's going on, when you know you need something different than what you have, and yet you keep falling down that same hole. You keep going in that same pattern. And it's it's a real contradiction because you know what you're doing doesn't work. I've been there. I've done that thing where you're standing there and you you you know you need this different thing. You know it. There's no doubt in your mind you need something different. And then with your next breath, you're going right back down the same path that got you exactly where you are. You know, it's funny. It comes to me a line from the original Matrix movie where Neo and Trinity are in the backseat of the car, and Neo's like about to get out of the car, and Trinity stops him and says, You've been down that road. Neo, you know what's down that road, and what you want isn't down there. And there's a part of me now that that appreciates and understands exactly how hard it was for Neo to stay sitting in that car. You know, and it's it's the same way with these two men, and and both men are our friends. One I've known for oh geez 30 plus years. And the other is is a newer friend, but he's he's a good friend and he's a good guy. But these these weren't new conversations we've had. They I could almost script the conversation because we've had it before and it went the same way. And every time it's not a new realization. They're the ones that say it, they're the ones that bring it up, they're the ones that mark it. And this repeated realization just brings them right back to the same repeated in action. We do this thing where we make the assumption that when we see a problem, we're gonna change. You'll have this natural inclination to act, to change what's wrong. And yet, these men aren't aren't unique. These two men in particular that I had these conversations with, and and I'm not unique, and that I struggled with it. Um why do we do it? Why do we do this? If we know that what we're doing is wrong, and we're certain that we need something different. Why the hell do we go back down the same road time and again? And a large part of it comes down to one thing. Your brain loves things that are familiar. Your brain is the greatest prediction model creator in the universe, right? We've we've talked about this. This this this I'm gonna throw this word out. I love it, love the word, love the concept. Neuroplasticity. Stacy even lets me use it in the Unstuck class, believe it or not. Umlasticity. Your brain is designed to adapt. So the first time you figure something out, your brain creates a pathway. Think of it like the first time you walk through a grassy field. The first time you walk through, you got to figure out your way through. Second time, maybe you see a couple of footprints from where you were before. So you kind of walk the same path. Third time, fourth time, by the tenth time you're doing this, you might have worn the grass down. Maybe there's a little bit of extra dirt, maybe there's some rocks kicked up or some broken whatever. Then the hundredth time, the two hundredth time, the five hundredth time, eventually it's going to become a road, and you're going to be able to go down this path without even thinking about it. And this repetition is what our brain does with everything. And I'm talking everything we do is because of these neural pathways, whether it's how we act, how we talk, how we think, how we behave, how we interact with others, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about others. Everything. Emotions, thoughts, they're all reactions from these things. The problem is, whether or not it's good for you never enters into the factor of how your brain builds these pathways. These pathways are strictly about familiarity, not necessarily the best way or the healthiest way, or what's good for us, or what's bad for us. It's just familiarity. Your brain actually gets to where it prefers these patterns. It's more efficient at traveling these familiar pathways. Familiar feels safe, right? Even when we know it's killing us, familiar feels safe. And then the problem comes, when we do these behaviors, we do these things that we know are good for us. We also start building neural pathways on how to survive it.

unknown 9:27

Right?

SPEAKER_00 9:28

So our pathways are now causing us to build other pathways on how to deal with the consequences from the first pathways that aren't good for us. You are literally teaching yourself how to endure the bullshit you've created for yourself. All the unhealthy shit, all the things that are bad for you, all the bad decisions that you seem to keep making time and time again. You're doing it because your brain has become an expert on how to survive the bad consequences of doing it. Doesn't care that if you just change the first behavior, you wouldn't have to survive it. So, how do we get around this? Because if our brain prefers something that's familiar, why do some people still move? The answer's not knowledge. The answer is about how we react to fear. See, I just said something there. That I can already hear a bunch of people tapping on their keyboard, writing the email already. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Just because I don't change doesn't mean I'm not afraid. Or doesn't mean I am afraid, excuse me. Follow me. Because we don't call it fear, but fear wears a different face. We call it waiting. We call it planning, we call it thinking, we call it needing more time. Maybe it's I'm just trying to get everything lined up. That was my line. I'm trying to get all the pieces in place, or I'm trying to wait so that X, Y, Z circumstances occur when I do this. Or whatever, whatever it is. All those are the bullshit story we tell ourselves. To hide the fact that what we're actually afraid of is failure. We're afraid of the unknown. We're afraid of loss. We're afraid of what comes after that first step. And because we've got all these neural pathways that feel familiar and unfortunately, they also feel safe. And we don't have any clue what's going to happen when we take that first step into new territory. And I want to be clear about something. This fear, it doesn't mean you're weak. Fear is a normal response when you step away from something that's familiar. The presence of fear does not determine whether a decision is right or wrong. And I'll even take it one step further that every meaningful change you could make is going to require you to move despite that fear. So I'm going to stop here for a second. And I'm going to give you a side story. Today is the five-year anniversary of Madison gaining her angel wings. Madison going home, Madison's passing, however you want to say it. And this isn't a story that I've told many people. But it applies to this. And somehow it just naturally came up. I didn't mean for this to come up today, but it's here. And uh so I'm going to tell this story. When Madison got COVID, I also had COVID at the same time. My father-in-law, my whole family, we there was I think nine of us in this house at one point that were quarantining together. And uh my father-in-law, myself, and Madison were the sickest. And Madison was by far worse off. And uh she calls us into her room and she says, Mom, I think, I think I need to go to the hospital. So instantly we called 911. She was she was not she was clearly in distress. And uh her mom was running around the house trying to do whatever, and I was sitting with Madison. She asked me a question. Um she said, How do I learn to be brave? She asked me how to be brave because she was she was scared. She was scared of being sick, she was scared of going to the hospital, she was scared of what that meant. And it hit me. It hit me because I had asked that same question of my grandfather years ago. See, I grew up on a farm, and uh spent a lot of time with my grandfather, and he uh he had a lot of that old that old country farm hand wisdom, you know. I I I don't know how else to ex to to describe it. But uh he had asked me to do something. He had asked me to do something, and it was was something that I was actually afraid to do. I was pretty young. I said, Pop, I'm I'm uh I'm afraid to do that. And he asked me a question. I can still hear his voice asking it. He said, uh He said, Well, let me ask you a question. What's the difference between a coward and a hero? And uh, I mean, I don't think I was but six years old, maybe when he asked, when I when this was when we were doing this, when we were talking about this. And I said, I don't know, Pop, what is the difference? His answer was a coward lets his fear stop him. The hero feels the same fear as the coward. But he does what needs to be done anyway. And I looked at Madison and I told her that. I told her that same story. And uh I held her hand and then the paramedics came. And that was the last time we talked. The definition of bravery it's not uh excuse me. The definition of bravery is not absence of fear. The definition of bravery is action despite fear. Courage is the ability to act. And it's what separates success from surrender in many cases, is just the willingness to act, not the freedom from fear. That's why we say brave like Madison. That's why our pens say it, that's why our logo says it. Um Madison was afraid and she still went to the hospital. Why am I telling this story? Simply this. Fear is going to be there when you decide that it's time for you to change. When everything in your brain is telling you that's scary, that's not going to work the way you want it to, that's dumb. It's unfamiliar. Fear will be there. Fear will be telling you to not make that first step. Change happens when you have the courage to not let fear make that decision. Change happens when you tell fear it doesn't get a deciding vote. I'm not telling you to be fearless because when you start making those changes, just like I did, it's going to be fucking scary. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. You are not going to know where your foot's going to fall the next moment. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know where you're going to go. You don't know what's going to end up. It's fucking scary. And as a man, that fear is even worse because you're not allowed to admit it. Which I think is bullshit. If you're hearing this and you're in a situation and you need someone to talk about that fear, Bob at Madison'spath dot com. Email me. Email me and we'll talk. Movement changes everything. That first step, it's hard. It's the one that requires the most conviction. It's the one that requires the most courage. It's the one that we fear. But the second step, and the third step, and the fourth step to get a little bit easier. I'm not going to say the process isn't going to suck because it probably will. Change is always uncomfortable. But you can do it. You can change. You can make these changes that you know you need. We we look at the thing and we try to see the whole mountain, and we try to solve the whole mountain. And that's that's the other part of the problem is that we want to solve the whole mountain before we take the first step. And you're not going to be able to. Don't solve the whole problem today. Have an understanding of where you want to end up and what your next step is. That's it. That's all you need. If you keep your eye on a prize and you keep a realistic view of the next step, you'll find your way. I'm not going to say it's perfect. I'm not saying it's going to be painless. But you will get there. And this idea, I'm just waiting for clarity is such a bullshit thing. It's such bullshit. Clarity comes from motion. Every step is going to remove the things that are requiring you to have that clarity. Fear. But there comes a point where you get to choose your relationship with it. And you get to tell it that it doesn't get to choose your direction. It doesn't get a deciding vote on whether or not you act. One small step. Small. It changes what comes next. It's like the old proverb says, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But the journey doesn't start till you take the first step. That's it for today. Take what's useful. Leave what's not. Choose to be brave like Madison and keep moving. Ever forward.