Episode 32 — When Helping Stops Helping

In this episode of The Man in Motion Podcast, Bob takes on a question that sounds simple until you really sit with it:

When does helping stop helping?

We step in because we care. Because we love people. Because sometimes it’s easier, faster, or less painful to just fix the problem ourselves.

But what happens when helping starts doing more harm than good?

This episode looks at leadership, parenting, relationships, struggle, responsibility, and the uncomfortable possibility that sometimes the thing we call “help” may be getting in the way of growth.

And maybe the hardest question of all:

Do they really need our help... or do we need to be needed?

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

There's an old saying, give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

What happens when helping somebody stops making their life better and starts keeping them from learning how to live it? Helping feels good. It does. Feels loving, feels responsible. And when you're the guy that knows how to fix the problem, sometimes it's just easier to fix the damn problem. But eventually you have to ask yourself a question. Am I helping this person to grow? Or am I helping them avoid growth? And maybe an even more uncomfortable question. Do they really need my help? Or do I just need to be needed? And that's what we're talking about today. When helping stops helping and starts becoming the problem. Welcome to the Man in Motion Podcast, episode 32, When Helping Stops Helping. I'm Bob. This is a show about what it means to be a man in today's world, navigating real life with strength, purpose, and clarity. No hype, no hacks, no fixing yourself, just awareness, grounded thinking, and choosing direction while already in motion. Ever forward, let's get to it. This isn't a new new problem. This isn't like a new first world creation. If you go into the Bible, there's actually the exact story about uh Exodus chapter 18.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Uh story about Moses. Um this isn't a new thing, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

The book of Exodus, I think, is like four or five thousand years old.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

So, you know, there's that. Not a new thing. Why do we do it? Why do we fall into this trap? Why do we keep doing it? It's this idea of help versus rescue. You know, helping someone, I'll help you figure this out. Rescuing someone says, get out of the way, I'll do it. This isn't just a leadership thing at work.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Parents do it, spouses do it, your pastors do it, coaches do it, friends do it. That's originally where I intended to go with this, was about buddy checks and you know uh how to you know be the guy that steps up and and helps your friend with doing it in a way that doesn't actually hurt. But the reality is this is such a far-reaching topic. And it comes down to the fact that we want to solve everyone's problems because we love them.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Or I mean sometimes it's just about being faster and easier and quicker to just do the damn thing ourselves. But in the long run, it's not. It comes down to this idea of when I help you, am I building capability into you or am I building dependency into you? And that's a hard question. Especially when you're dealing with someone you love, your wife or your kids or your parents or friends.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Because the loving answer is to step in and just handle it because you care about this person and you want to make their life better.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

And if it's a problem you can handle simply, then boom, knock it out and move on your way. But here's the problem. In handling this, am I going to have to handle it again next time?

SPEAKER_01 4:42

The goal of leadership should be to make yourself less necessary, not irrelevant, not disconnected, less necessary. Because if everything falls apart the moment you're gone, you didn't build a team, you build a dependency.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

And I think I think that's the real thing.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

So when I'm recording this, it's it's uh August 17th, and my daughter is leaving for college for the first time uh at the end of this week.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

And I I believe I've said this before. But if I haven't, parenting, in my opinion, is the process of teaching someone that you can't live without how to live without you. And I think it really encapsulates this, this whole thing, because on one hand, I am so fucking proud of my daughter. She got into her first choice school. She's chasing her dreams. She is unapologetically the woman she wants to be. And she's capable. And I'm turning her loose into the world. And that's it's kind of scary for me. It's exciting for her. Question I come to is, did I make her capable enough? Without making her so capable that she spends ten minutes in the real world and says, Yeah, I don't need dad. Bye. It's tough.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

See, I've long I've been a fan of the concept that struggle has value. Struggle is where learning happens.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Failure teaches more than success on any day of the week and three times on Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Competence can only be built when shit goes wrong. Anyone can handle the situation when it's going right. When it goes wrong, that's where shit gets figured out. Competence gets built because now not only are you doing the process, you're fixing the process. And that frustration, the problem solving, the the looking at the problem to truly understand it.

SPEAKER_00 8:34

That's that's where where growth and change and all of that, it's where we become formidable. And as a parent, the very thing we're inclined to do is exactly the opposite of that.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

But it's not just as a parent. You could be a coach, you could be a spouse, you could be a leader at work.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

And our inclination is to step in when there's a problem and just handle it. And in it could be because it's just quicker. It could be simpler to fix the problem than it is to teach. It could be maybe there's a time component and you don't have the time to teach it.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

But the question becomes then, what did I just do? Because we we've just said that, you know, it's it's your job to make yourself less necessary.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

But you've just went and built a dependency. So I'm gonna step away from the parent role for a second. I'm just gonna look at this from a straight leadership perspective.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

And I could be a coach, it could be uh co-worker, it could be uh subordinate, whatever. I think the question comes down to am I helping in a way that's leaving them stronger when I'm done? Not is it simpler, not is it faster, not is it easier for me, not is it easier for them. You can't give somebody ownership of their life while constantly taking responsibility for it away from them.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

And on the other end of this, and this just occurred to me, but if you're on the receiving end of this, if you're up against a problem and you need help, don't give them the opportunity to take it away from you.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Step into it, lean into it, say, this is what I'm going through, this is what I'm experiencing. I don't need you to fix it.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

I need you to give me guidance. Because that's the other half of the thing here is that we we run up against these walls. And we just kind of throw our hands up and go, okay, here, take it, fix it. Thanks. And then the uncomfortable question. Do they need my help? Or do I just need to be needed? I think there's a lot in that question. There's a lot to unpack in that question. But it comes down to very simple question. Very break. Do I need to be needed? It's a hard thing to admit. Am I helping because I need to help. Not because they need it. Helping people's good. Caring is good. Showing up is good.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

But if your help is keeping people from thriving, if your help is keeping people from growing, adapting, or becoming stronger, it's not help anymore.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

It's enabling. And we all have to learn that sometimes the best way to help someone is to stand beside them.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Ask them the questions. Offer the tools, offer the advice, and then step the hell out of the way and let them do the damn thing themselves.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Because the honest goal of helping isn't to make people need you more.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

It's not to make them dependent upon you. It's and this is this is the thing a lot of leaders miss.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Your goal as a leader is to make people around you grow. To make them better. To raise them up. Even if it means asking yourself a question. That stings a little bit. I think that's it for today. Take what's useful. Leave what's not. Choose. And keep moving.