Unconditional Positive Regard

Have you ever felt a relationship shift the moment a loved one says, "I don't believe the same things you do anymore"?

In this episode, Pedro tackles "Unconditional Positive Regard." We explore the hard work of separating a person's identity from their changing beliefs, the painful reality of conditional love, and how Jesus modeled radical acceptance at the Last Supper.

What I cover:

• The Science of Identity Fusion: Why our brains instantly strip away empathy and recategorize loved ones as "outsiders" when their theology shifts.
• The Condition of Our Love: How another's deconstruction exposes that our "unconditional" love is often just a transaction based on shared agreements.
• Grace at the Table: How Jesus chose to stay close to those whose paths were about to wildly diverge from His.
• This Week's Challenge: Connect with someone whose beliefs have shifted and talk about nothing theological. Remind them your love isn't a transaction.

Connect with me:

Email me: isitbecauseofjesus@gmail.com

Buy the book.

Website: isitbecauseofjesus.com

Support the show on Patreon.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey, welcome to Is It Because of Jesus? I'm your host, Pedro Garcia. Before we get into today's episode, just wanted to say thank you. Um, I'm enjoying doing these uh episodes for you. Uh, as Christians, uh, it's always very important to keep in mind that Christianity doesn't look perfect and beautiful all the time, and helping people doubting and deconstructing truly, it's uh it's a journey, but hopefully a journey that can get people back to Jesus and not to to the world. So it's um I'm very thankful, and please, if you like the show, share it, review it, and email me if you want to talk to me about something, okay? Well, welcome. Okay, let's picture this. You're sitting across the dinner table from someone you love deeply. Let's say maybe it's your spouse, your sibling, or your child who just came back from college, and they look at you, take a deep breath, and say the words you've been dreading. I just don't believe the same things you do anymore. In that split second, a line is drawn in the sand. Without even realizing it, the entire dynamic of your relationship shifts. You look at them and you no longer just see your brother, your wife, or your son. You see a deconstructionist, or you see a doubter, you see someone on the other side of a theological divide. So in our previous episodes, we've talked about the fear of sharing our doubts and the panic we feel when hearing them. Today we're going one step deeper into the mirror. Today we're talking about unconditional positive regard. We are tackling the incredibly difficult work of separating a person's identity from their beliefs. We love to say our love is unconditional, but the hard, uncomfortable truth is that for many of us, our love is deeply tied to theological alignment. Let's talk about why we subconsciously downgrade the value of people who change their minds, the emotional toll of conditional love, and how Jesus shows us a radically different way to stay at the table. To understand why it is so difficult to separate someone's worth from their theology, we have to look at how our brains categorize human beings. In psychology, there is a concept called identity fusion. As humans, we don't just hold beliefs, we fuse our beliefs with our fundamental sense of self. And we do the exact same thing to other people. We don't just think my friend holds Christian beliefs, we think my friend is a Christian. The belief and the identity become one inseparable entity. So, when that person tells you their beliefs have changed, your brain short circuits. Because of identity fusion, your brain literally doesn't know who is sitting across the table anymore. This triggers a deeply ingrained psychological reflex. In-group versus out-group bias. For your entire relationship, this person was in the in-group, they were safe. But the moment their beliefs diverge from yours, your brain instantly recategorizes them into the outgroup. Okay, this isn't a conscious, malicious choice, it's just a biological sorting mechanism designed to protect your tribe. But the result is devastating. Without realizing it, your brain begins to strip away your empathy. You start viewing them not as a complex, hurting human being you love, but as a theological project project to be fixed, or a threat to be managed. We reduce their entire identity to the one thing we disagree with. When we move from the mind to the heart, this psychological sorting mechanism reveals a painful emotional reality, the silent conditions we place on our love. We like to believe that our love for our family and friends is rock solid. But when someone's faith unravels, it holds a mirror up to our own hearts. And often what we see is that our love was actually just an affinity based on shared agreements. We loved them because they went to the same church, sang the same worship songs, and held the same worldview. When those shared agreements vanish, we emotionally pull away. We might still invite them to Thanksgiving, but the warmth is gone. We put up a wall, we start treating them like a cautionary tale. This is where the term unconditional positive regard comes in. It's a concept developed by psychologist Carl Rogers, and it means showing complete support and acceptance of a person no matter what they say or do. It means affirming that their core human value does not fluctuate based on their current state of belief. When we withdraw our warmth because someone's theology shifts, we are silently communicating to them, you're only valuable to me as long as you agree with me. That is a crushing way to place on someone you love. It tells them their identity in your eyes is entirely transactional. To love someone well through their deconstruction means doing the excruciating emotional work of looking past the shifting tectonic plates of their worldview and choosing to value the person standing in the rubble. Yet that doesn't mean you have to agree with them. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Very important for us to know. So how does Jesus handle this? Does Jesus demand perfect theological alignment before he offers a seat at his table? Okay, look at the book of John, chapter 13. It is the last supper. Jesus is sitting at a table with men whose beliefs and behaviors are about to wildly diverge from his. Okay, well, so practicing unconditional positive regard is I know it's very hard because it requires us to lay down our fear, our tribalism, and our need for everyone around us to agree with us so that we can feel safe. So then next time someone you love tells you they no longer believe, I want you to resist the urge to pull away. I want you to resist the urge to recategorize them as an outsider. So my challenge for you this week is to think of someone in your life whose beliefs have shifted. Send them a text, invite them to coffee, and talk to them about absolutely nothing theological. Just remind them in the flesh that your love for them is not a transaction. Well, friend, thank you so much for joining joining me today. And remember if you're a Christian who is doubting or deconstructing, is it because of Jesus?