Episode 15 - Lyrizone

Segment 1

In this segment, Cody and Mariah explore the complexities of toxic relationships, sharing personal stories and listener experiences. They discuss red flags, lessons learned, and how to foster healthier connections, offering valuable insights for self-growth and relationship success.This comes from the question of the week: Can you think of the most toxic relationship you have ever been in?

keywords
toxic relationships, red flags, self-growth, relationship advice, personal stories, mental health, boundaries, love, attachment, healing

Segment 2:

In this inspiring segment, artist Lyrizone shares his journey from a hip hop background to a unique nu metal artist, discussing his creative process, struggles with alcoholism, and the importance of authenticity and mental health in music.

keywords:
music journey, new metal, creativity, mental health, alcoholism recovery, artistic process, authenticity, music production, live performance, historical fiction

FOLLOW LYRIZONE: 

https://lyrizone.komi.io/

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:17

You are listening to the Liquid Shape Podcast with your host, Cody Perez.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

Welcome everyone. Happy Saturday. But for you, it's going to be a happy Monday. Here's another episode of the Liquid Shape Podcast with Cody Perez.

SPEAKER_05 0:35

And Mariah Longfellow.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

And this week's guest is a musician, rapper, rocker, Lyrazone. So in segment two, we'll discuss about him and his career and all the great things that he's doing right now, currently. So stick make sure you tune in for uh segment two. But for now, we are gonna go through segment one with the question of the week and give you an update on what's going on with us and all that fun stuff. So we'll kick it off there. Uh, how was your week, Miss Mariah?

SPEAKER_04 1:05

It was good. I mean, it was nice and sunny, and now here we are on the weekend and it's raining.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

It's raining, of course, and it was like short weather week. I was wearing shorts this week.

SPEAKER_04 1:14

Yeah, I know. It was nice and warm. Easter Sunday, it was fun, hung out with both fams.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Yeah, we went and uh hung out with your mom and dad, brought them some food skis, then we went and hung out with uh my side of the family, fucking ate a lot of good food.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

It was so cute seeing your nephew. Xander Easter egg, huh?

SPEAKER_02 1:34

I was teasing him, I was acting like I was gonna steal all the eggs, of course. You'd be the bully uncle and toughen them up a little.

SPEAKER_05 1:40

Oh, and then it was cute when uh Hope posted that he said it was the best Easter he's ever had.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

I love that. Awesome. It was a good good, good time. And uh just I I always love hanging out with your family, my family. It's just I'm a family guy and I love spending time with the people that truly matter in your life. You know, like it's one of those uh it's one of those things where it's easily can be taken for granted, but you never know how long you are around here or how long you have your family around. So you gotta spend those moments with them when you can and uh cherish them.

SPEAKER_05 2:12

Absolutely. Family's important.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

It was a lot of good eating and great food and just fun times.

SPEAKER_05 2:18

And hot. We have the air had the air conditioner on.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

We started the AC. Yep, we started the AC and getting my summer boner ready. Got the patio patio power patio power washed. I can't speak this morning.

SPEAKER_04 2:32

But then you got a little war injury.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

Yes, I sprayed myself with the freaking uh power washer on accidents. On the top of his hands, I kind of what I was I kind of subconsciously, I think I just squirted myself just to see like how hard does this really hit. And boom, I was like almost point blank, dude. It was I'm not kidding you. It was bad.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Well yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

And I didn't even feel it right away, but you gotta think, these motherfuckers like they will get some stone out of concrete and shit. So like it's they are powerful as fuck. It's not like PSI on the motherfuckers is not just like the water in the faucet. No, so it definitely hurt. Lesson learned.

SPEAKER_04 3:07

And uh put some dirt on it, you're fine.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

I I was fine. I here's the thing, I didn't even put anything on it. I took a shower after I got done doing 'cause I finished my duties. I I was bleeding, but I would finish my duties out there and uh then I took a shower because I had you know dirt and grass all over me. And after that, I didn't do anything other than just I had open I had my flip-flops on just to keep it breathing and whatnot. But after that, I haven't put band-aid on it or anything. I'm from the old school man. I don't fucking need to get stitches or go do like over dramatic shit. Like when you get hurt, you just you figure it out, you just keep moving.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

Block it off. Block it off exactly. Well the patio looks fabulous, thank you, babe.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Well, except for certain parts or trigger, grease spots.

SPEAKER_04 3:52

Can I just use the Dawn spray soap that I use?

SPEAKER_02 3:55

It gets the grease off the dishes and you can try that, but if any of you guys out there know of what can take off some hardcore, hardcore, hardcore like smoke grease, uh fat grease from barbecuing and all that off the certain parts of the patio. Let us know because uh it's uh we've tried a lot of different things, I think, in the past. We've gone to Home Depot and purchased things.

SPEAKER_05 4:14

There's this one stuff I want to get. I think it's called Zeb or ZEP or something like that. I think it's supposed to be really good.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

Where can you find it?

SPEAKER_05 4:21

Home Homey Depot.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

We might have to make a trip, but we know how that is.

SPEAKER_05 4:24

I want to get a planter and some potting soil and I want to go be free in the garden center.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Yeah. And we're we're still awaiting a quote. Um the person that we're working with uh was asking questions about what kind of papers we want. So we're waiting on that. And I already told him, I said, dude, as soon as you give us the you know, what you found and the official quote, we're gonna pull the trigger and we're ready to do this because we want that patio ready for summertime. We can have friends, family, come hang out, barbecue, comfortably. Yeah. So I'm excited for that to be done. I am too. And then the next project after that is gonna be my stairs, our stairs, our fucking jet. And then after that, it's going to be the room, our master bedroom. We need to pull the carpet out and get some uh flooring in there.

SPEAKER_05 5:12

Hardwood it, yeah, because carpet's gross.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

Yep. And so that's that was my week for the most part. Uh yesterday. What did we do yesterday?

SPEAKER_05 5:19

Oh, yes, duh. Yesterday we went and saw Mr. Polly Shore at Helium Comedy Club. That was a blast. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

Dude, he's wild. What I loved about him the most, I think, is that the character you see on TV is exactly who he was on stage. Yeah. As far as his goofiness, his unfiltered humor, his personality, just the way he comes off. Like obviously, we don't know him, know him, but I feel like he's very authentic and he's probably very similar to that with the volume turned up a little bit for obviously, you know, to entertain. But we got to meet him too. That was fun.

SPEAKER_05 5:55

Very brief. Very brief. There was a long line, so it was very quick. So he wasn't like super engaged, because I could tell, well, for two, I think he was really high or something like that.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:08

Yeah. And then he had a huge line. So I think, and like it we did the seven o'clock show. So then of course he had the next, the second show. Uh, and so there was a huge line. And so I think he by the time we got to him, I think he was kind of overwhelmed, like, oh shit, I need this, I need to speed this up. I still got another whole nother show. So, I mean, he wasn't super engaged, but I'm not like mad at it or anything. Like, I get it. He was probably had a being a little fucked up and had a lot going on.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

He's like I asked him if he liked metal, and he said, Fuck yeah. And I handed him the American, the most recent American overdose TE artificial infection. So he said thank you, and he looked at it and he fucking hopefully he blasts it, and maybe we'll uh see him blasting some. Who knows? Like, that'd be fucking awesome if I just saw him like say, Oh yeah, let's ban American overdose. So I should have brought him a shirt. But what happened prior to us getting there?

SPEAKER_05 6:54

I just want to note and I want you to remember the next time I fuck up, remember how calm I was in this moment last night with you. Okay. So our friends Justin and Kim get to our house. So we were our um pool together, double date, a roo. But we get to Helium, early, got a good spot. It's not super crowded yet, like just vibing. We get there, we're pulling out our IDs because obviously it's 21 and up, so you have to show your ID to get in, and you get kind of wanded. The guys get wanded, they just kind of little do a little doot doot with the women and say go. They didn't even look in your purse. I don't know. But whatever. So we're all pulling out our IDs. Cody goes, fuck, I don't have my phone. And Cody's phone is his wallet. He has one of those uh phone cases that holds his cards and his ID and everything. So he doesn't have his ID to even get in to where they could even pull up his tickets. So we tell our friends to stay and that we're gonna rush back to the house to get his phone, and we'll just be a little bit late. Um, you know, I was like, they don't we told him we didn't have they didn't have to wait for us. They were very sweet and did wait for us. It all worked out, but speed racing back to the house.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

What was that like?

SPEAKER_05 8:05

I just kind of paid attention to my phone. I couldn't watch because then I start getting antsy.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

I was like Toretto up in that motherfucker. I was like Toretto on Fast and the Furious, just like bobbing and weaving and cruising super fast. I broke probably every fucking traffic law I could.

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Um Well, I that's a lie. I wasn't necessarily looking at my phone the whole time, I was scanning for cops.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Yeah, it was bad. But we were we were back real quick. Like it was fast from Southeast Portland to Oregon City. It was fucking boom. And I was very, very disappointed in myself, so I didn't even need you yelling at me. I was basically yelling at myself in my head.

SPEAKER_05 8:42

I would never, I'm not a yeller, I'm not reactionary like that.

SPEAKER_02 8:45

I was pissed at myself because I that never happens. I don't even know how it happened because my phone is always by my side at all times.

SPEAKER_05 8:52

We were chatting with them, playing with the boys, because Taz gets all possessive territorial, so then he's being a menace and we want to go. So we're chatting, and it was just an in and out. I get it.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Yeah, it was wild.

SPEAKER_05 9:05

It is what it is, it all works out because it always works out.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Yeah, I just I I just couldn't believe myself though, because I just I hold myself to a higher standard of remembering important things like that, and just like the fact that my phone wasn't my phone is like attached to me, like my fucking brain. It was weird. It was on a charger.

SPEAKER_05 9:23

Which is funny because when we did get in the car, I sh and I should have listened to it, but it was like something was like telling me you should ask Cody if he has the tickets ready. But I'm always on it, which would have prompted you to look for your phone.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

Yeah, but I'm always on it, so I I don't blame you for not asking it. Justin did mention, he's like, oh shit, we should have gotten a CD, and this is like right when we're like right down the street from the house, like leaving. And my instincts were like turn around and do it. But I was like, no, fuck that, let's just get down there. If I would have turned around to get the CD at that point, I would have realized that my phone wasn't with me. So I should have probably listened to that instinct and when Justin suggested or mentioned the CD. But it all worked out, like you said, and lesson learned. Always check before you leave the house for important days.

SPEAKER_04 10:06

So don't beat yourself up. Shit happens.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

Like I said, lesson learned for me.

SPEAKER_05 10:10

Um You're human, how dare you?

SPEAKER_02 10:12

Fuck that. It's Saturday morning. We are getting ready for another new week.

SPEAKER_05 10:18

Friend barbecue.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Friend barbecue today. Excited for that. Tomorrow we have practice because we didn't practice Thursday. So that'll be fun. Have a Sunday fucking practice and shit talking with the guys and just shooting the shit. My taco spot won't be open, so that's a little disappointing. My spot that I stop at on the way to practice, so I'm about to figure that out. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 10:38

Find another one.

SPEAKER_05 10:39

I'm sure there's something open.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

I think there is, maybe. We'll see. I don't even know why you would be closed on a Sunday. Like maybe sure, but you gotta make money. Still gotta work, still gotta hustle. All right. Well, this week's question of the week. Uh we got a lot of responses, a lot of long responses. So we might have to run through this one kind of quick with our replies back and with our answers, just because I don't want to I think mine'll be really quick just because I've already talked about it before previous episodes. But new people might hear it. Obviously, like new people are always tuning in. Um by the way, we are at 475 downloads so far on the podcast, which is fucking awesome. That's 475 people that have downloaded our podcast since we started in January.

SPEAKER_05 11:19

Do I even know 475 people?

SPEAKER_02 11:22

That's a win for me. That's a lot of people that actually will listen, and our episodes are two, sometimes three hours at most. And so to have people's attention at that level is awesome. We have officially hit 22 countries. Look at that. Oh, 22 countries that we are being listened to, 116 cities. That is really fucking cool, dude. Like I thank you guys. Thank you guys all so much. It means the world to me. You know, it's it does take a lot of time and effort to do this podcast, and it does interrupt our other busy events that we have going on. So, but I love doing it. So when I get tired of doing this, or you get tired of it, we may take a break at some point. But for right now, this is fun.

SPEAKER_05 12:04

You're stuck with us for now.

SPEAKER_02 12:06

Yeah, or like herpes forever. Just kidding. So let's get to the question of the week. And this week's question is Can you think of the most toxic relationship you have ever been in? Tell us about it. Some follow-up questions to consider. You don't have to answer all of them as always. What kept you in that relationship? Looking back, were there red flags you ignored? Why? Did this relationship reflect anything about how you saw yourself at the time? What was it that was finally the breaking point that made you leave? What did you learn from it? Did you repeat some of the same mistakes and get involved with someone that was similar? What boundaries did you learn you need now? How are you different in relationships today because of it? Was it love or attachment? Did you stay because you cared or because you were afraid to leave? How did it shape who you are today, good or bad? I love this question. And this was my own question. Sometimes I I have a question in mind, but I'll ask Chat GPT to perfect the question. Anyways, so we got some answers. We got a lot of answers. So first one came back from Alex Frazier on Facebook, and Alex said, Most toxic one was a long distance relationship I met online. It was after a messy breakup, so it was more of just not wanting to be alone. Every time I'd go and visit, I'd regret it, but I stayed with her. So many red flags. Better to be with someone out of state at the at that time when everywhere I went in town reminded me of the breakup. That's tough. When you jump into something because you're trying to avoid something that, you know, that you were in, it's never good. It still feels just as lonely.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

And I can speak to that from my times of being single. And there was a time that I craved a relationship and I would be seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking, and not finding it in anyone. Um and then there's times that I was like, well, I don't want a relationship, but I do want the benefits of being in a relationship. So you still go seeking, seeking, seeking, seeking, and you find fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. But then you end up hurting people, you end up doing more damage to yourself because then at that point it's like you uh it makes it even harder for you to want to commit to anyone when you're getting all the benefits from multiple people of being in a relationship. And then and then at that point in my life, I was already very chaotic. So I I can totally hear you on this, Alex. Ignoring the red flags is a simple thing to do just because you're telling yourself, you know what, this is better than being alone, or better than being in that breakup that I'm in, or thinking about that. This is distracting me. And so um, I think one of the things I found about when I I've gone through breakups is I get myself really involved in something. So there was a point that I was doing kickboxing for a while, uh, a lot of working out, just finding hobbies that just completely distracted me. From my first major breakup, the band was a huge distraction for me. And so that kept me very busy. And luckily that stuck around with me. The band was something that I felt I absolutely like was all right, this is this is a lifetime commitment for me.

SPEAKER_05 14:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Any thoughts on Alex?

SPEAKER_05 15:01

I mean, same. I mean, I've done it, especially like after my marriage, just kind of jumped into things because I didn't want to be alone. Doesn't mean it was healthy or anything like that, but it was just something to fill the void because I didn't want to be alone with myself and my thoughts. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Understandable. Yeah. Thanks, Alex. Next one's from Eric Bax. A former close friendship. I decided to cut ties when I had to decide between this person and another friend. I definitely made the right decision, but I should have seen the warning signs earlier. Like when the person in question would disappear in person and online at various times. That's a sneaky person to me.

SPEAKER_05 15:35

I mean, that's that's uh that's suspicious.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Someone um I feel like whenever someone like hides who they are online or that kind of stuff, that's always a red flag. Whether they're in a relationship or not, just it's like, okay, that person, there's something shady about them because they don't want to be um seen. Like, is this person a serial killer? Is this person like got some sort of record or something they don't want you looking up? Like, what what what is it? So I'm glad you made the right choice there, Aaron.

SPEAKER_05 16:01

Secrets in the closet.

SPEAKER_02 16:02

Yeah. Next one came in from Debbie Grogan. She says, Most toxic was my ex-husband, physically and mentally abusive. I married him for all the wrong reasons. I didn't leave because I was I was shitless scared he'd kill me. He was so manipulative, but I didn't see it. Everyone around me did. Had to get so much to get so much concealer to cover up my bruises and marks from my ex-husband. Wow. He raped me and I didn't even know. He was so jealous because I was spending time with my four-month-old baby girl than I spent with him. My goodness. Ugh, I'm so sorry, Debbie. This is uh it's tough to read that. The night before I left him, I got off work and I pissed him off by asking him if I could go have lunch with my parents, and he said no. I said, Well, I'm going with my baby and I'll see you later. I went and had lunch, then came back to the apartment to my ex, and he was so so mad, thank God I had my daughter in my arms because he picked up her car seat and threw it against the wall by the door. Jesus. Next day I left him. It took me a took a lot of for me to leave, but my friend helped me out and I lied so hardcore that he wasn't believing me, so I had to convince him. I was coming back and bribing him and whatever else to make him believe I was going to my friends to hang out. Well, it worked. Well, it worked, and I'm still alive. Thank you, Lord. And so is my daughter. I thought I was in love with him, but I wasn't. I had no clue what love was. Side note, don't get a tattoo with your spouse or girlfriend. That's for sure. Um, I used to work at a tattoo shop. Funny facts.

SPEAKER_04 17:41

I've seen it all the time, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

I made that mistake. When I left my ex, I started to get my life back together, and then I got remarried, and then that's what when I started to find out who I really am. I'm also dealing with now is another toxic relationship, is with my parents. I finally don't talk to them, don't text, don't call, nothing. I put my foot down and I feel a lot better. This is my boundary, and it's good for my mental health and for my kids' sake too.

SPEAKER_05 18:07

Good job, Debbie.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Awesome, Debbie. I I am so sorry to hear about all of that. I mean, that is just like I said, it was tough to it's tough to even read when people say things like that and or tell you like that that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_05 18:18

And it's it's hard, but it's a reality, unfortunately, that is out there and and it just sucks because I just I just feel like so many women have the same story. We all, it seems like, have had a DB situation at some point. And it's like, why? Why the fuck does it have to be that way? But I'm just I'm just so happy for you, Debbie, myself, anybody else who's been in a situation like this and has gotten out. And if you are currently in a situation like this, please don't lose hope. You can get out. Just start trying to keep your head as clear as possible. I know it's really hard, especially when you have someone who's physically not only physically, but mentally. Meant the mental abuse is the worst, in my opinion. Because it really fucks up your mind. You're not thinking straight. It's just a heavy cloud because all you're doing is walking on eggshells. How do I keep this person happy? How do I keep things calm instead of chaotic? But just know there's just it'll work out. Just you can get out.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

Yeah. And I mean, a person like that, unfortunately, what's probably gonna happen is they're gonna move on to the next person and they'll do it again to another person, and you know, and hopefully it doesn't get to this. But you hear about cases where people end up dying, they end up killing them, their kids, they kill themselves or whatever. Like that's just an oh, it's such a bad situation, bad thing. And this is speaking from someone that I obviously have never luckily been in a situation like that, other than I saw I saw physical abuse on the side with growing up with I've I've talked about this before in the past, with my dad, with my mom. Um, and that I I I just I am not okay with that at all. I'm very against it. It's it's a horrible reality. And any man that raises his fucking fist at a female or beats a female or hits a female or even like considers it is a fucking piece of shit. Yes, but nobody should, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:02

But women should not be because there are women that are like this too. Women should not either. No one should be putting their hands on anybody in a violent way. No, you especially like step, grow the fuck up, step back, go get help, go get therapy because you need help.

SPEAKER_02 20:14

And leave. Like if you're not happy with that person, instead of beating them, be like, okay, well, I got mental issues, I gotta go work on myself, and this person doesn't deserve this. No one deserves this. Move on and go get the help you need and let them be. Like the mental abuse is what's crazy is that one thing you with mental abuse is you can't shut that off. Even when you're at work, you know, you may be out on the job and that person's like those thoughts of worrying about like, oh, am I gonna piss that person off? Am I going, am I doing something wrong? Are they gonna think I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing? That kind of shit. And it's like that that that you can't turn that off. There's no way to turn that off.

SPEAKER_05 20:48

It carries. I mean, even in my job that I have now, it's like I had PTSD in the beginning with my boss, just and how like she had a point in time where she was super kind of passive aggressive, and so that was hard for me. It's fine now because I we had a conversation, worked everything out, but it was hard because it just it really triggered my past, and it was like I would just shut down. I'm like, I can't, I can't do this, I can't talk, I can't do anything because it's just taking me back to a very unhealthy space. But yeah, I mean it it follows you.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

Thank you, Debbie, for sharing me on purpose to to farm reasons to push me away, etc. She couldn't find anything, so she gave up and decided to dump me based on her sheer boredom of me, which was also a tactic she used to convince me to try to take her back while accepting less amounts of freedom and space. I could go on, but I stayed with her because we had just moved in. Sometimes life binds you in ways that make it hard to respond appropriately to red flags. It's easier to get away from people like this when you aren't binded to them through a lease or contract, etc. And even then, the fear of change and being alone is an Another factor that affects everyone differently. And even though I endured hell, it sucks to say that the breaking point was just her simply breaking it off. But sometimes those bereavements are actually just spicy blessings.

SPEAKER_05 22:13

Spicy blessings. I like that. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

Yeah, I I can I can hear you on that for sure. Like it's hard to leave something that you know is bad, whether you're the one that's being the target of it or you're contributing to it, or you are the person. Like for whatever reason, when you're with somebody, I mean, at least it is for me. It's hard for like I've talked about this before. It's hard for me to break up with people. I just can't do it. I'd rather them break up with me. I have I have no problem with someone saying, Oh, I broke up with them, or I broke up with them, or I left them, whatever. I'm okay with that. I've purposely in the past pushed things so far just so the person leaves me, because I can't do it. I just I don't like the I don't like going through the process. I've done it one time, and like I told you guys, I got chased after with a bat, and it was just craziness.

SPEAKER_05 22:57

Well, that bitch was obviously psychotic.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Yes, very psychotic.

SPEAKER_05 23:00

And so I always tell you guys, don't fuck crazy, because if you get him pregnant, you're stuck.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

Yeah. Well, you live and you learn. So thank you for sharing that beard news.

SPEAKER_05 23:09

Great. The next one is from Rachel Wilkinson Wiley, our friend. She says, There is one, uh, there is one I've been in that could have sent me to a place that you you only bring tears and flowers to. But friendships can be just as toxic for sure. But I wrote down my pain hurt and mourned the loss of what I so thought would be. I burned the book and now I can say that the growth from saying goodbye and choosing joy when they so thought I'd be afraid, sad, lonely, and miserable makes them the loser and I the champion on my world. I chose that world to be amazing and full of love, adventure, and growth. You two are some of my favorite peeps, so I'll be tuning in. Oh, thanks, Rachel. Thank you, Rachel.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

That's very and I agree. Like like like as Rachel mentioned here, like when people try to make you think that without them, they're that you're gonna you're gonna go down this horrible path or whatever. I actually wrote a song about it. We have a song that I released last year called Nothing Without You. And it's about situations like this where people will try to they'll they'll mentally abuse you, they'll manipulate you, they'll do all sorts of things to make you think that without them you're gonna be nothing, you're gonna hit rock bottom and that kind of stuff. And those are instant red flags that you need to get the hell away. And I'm glad that you were able to realize that it wasn't a loss for you, it was a loss for them. They lost a good person, and you've moved on, and hopefully there's a lot more positivity now and love in your life, and you are uh surrounded by people that value you and don't put you down but lift you up.

SPEAKER_05 24:39

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 24:40

Thanks for sharing, Rachel.

SPEAKER_05 24:41

The next one is from Jesse Owen McFadden. Most of my relationships end by the person I'm with cheating on me or straight up ghosting me, leaving me with no explanation and me having to do investigation work to figure out why. I always choose to stay, which is my toxic trait, unfortunately. I take love to a different level, 20 years trying to settle down, and not one person ever fought to keep me. Well, you know what though? Maybe that's just uh meaning that you I mean, just my opinion, just from my experience, because I've been in this too, where it's like I just had to take time to find myself and not even look for anybody to say I'm done, whatever. You know, I'm not looking, I'm not out here searching for anybody, not saying you are, but this was just me. Um, I'm not gonna look for anybody if it's meant for me, if they're meant for me, they'll come. And if not, then I better get damn comfortable with myself.

SPEAKER_02 25:29

Yeah, and and Jesse, what I what I would say on this is that um it count this as a blessing. These people don't deserve you. Someone cheating on you, someone ghosting you and making you feel less or like you're just uh an option for them, never, ever, ever, ever chase. And I I say that with someone that's been on both the giving and receiving side of of doing things like this. Some of the sometimes these people just want to feel like, oh, I this person desires me. And that's all they that's all they really want out of it. People are weird and it feeds their ego. So you just don't give in to that by what you do is that at that point you just cut off the tides. When you don't feel like you're being valued, be on the lookout for that and cut those people off. Because what happens is if you keep surrounding yourself around people like this, then it makes you think there's something wrong with you and it makes you question everything you do. And then it's like almost like flies on shit. People like the they'll come, these type of people will come to you, use you for what you have, make you feel like less, and then you start really second guessing yourself, and then you go down this ugly spiral, and you don't need that. You need to like Mariah just mentioned, uh, what I would do and what I've done in the past is get alone, be alone for a while, and be okay with that. Get to know yourself and value yourself and know what you want and what's worth your time. And I mean that for friendships, relationships, friends, family, everything. And the more you surround yourself around people that value you and see you for the great person you are, and the faster you cut people out that you know are not good for you and that are going to be using you or that don't see the value in you, and you just cut those people out, eventually those good people are gonna stick around you and you're gonna attract even more of those people. You're gonna attract more of those people. And if you don't, if you have five people, four people, two people, one person that just values you and sees you for what you're worth, that makes up for 20, 40, 50 people that are just gonna use you and and look down on you and don't see the value and gaslight you and all that kind of stuff. So I'd say keep moving forward and don't worry about those people. That weight came off of your shoulders, and you're free now to move forward. So don't give up and keep moving forward. Steve Meltzer says, My wife of 23 years turned very toxic the last couple of years. I wasn't I wasn't until years after the divorce that I looked back on and recognized all the red flags. Even after the separation, she would constantly ambush me during phone calls about our kids with her sexual exploits with other people. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04 27:49

Well, thank God you got away from people.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

Yeah, and then well, I mean, 23 years is a long time to be with someone, and I think you and I have talked about this. Like people change. Like you may have fallen in love with someone that's really great.

SPEAKER_05 28:01

Especially when you were if I don't know how old you are and when this was, but if you started dating and got married young, I mean, especially like in your teens, like late teens, early twenties, I mean, we changed so much during that time too.

SPEAKER_02 28:13

So people grow apart. You can be with someone really great that you guys are just very compatible, but then over time, as the years go by, they're gonna change they're they might go one direction and you're going a different direction. And before you know it, it's okay to be different. Like there's nothing wrong with that. But if you are on completely different opposite sides of things and you're constantly not not relating on any level whatsoever, or your goals or whatnot, at that point, it's it's it can cause friction and cause people to look for reasons to fight or look for reasons to go cheat or go look for reasons for finding someone that does. Because people like to be with people that are similar to them in many cases. That's that's just the way it is.

SPEAKER_05 28:55

But just based off like this, I would say you know how you mentioned with her sexual exploits with other people, it sounds like she just wanted to just have sex. Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Maybe maybe she doesn't uh it could be that in a situation like this, she just um doesn't she just doubts in herself and she she probably feels that she gets validation through that things like this. And especially in today's world now with social media, everyone wants to feel special and everyone wants to feel wanted and desired and all that kind of stuff. And that's normal human normal human behavior. Once you take action and you're starting to do things that are pushing the boundaries and disrespecting your person, then yeah, of course that's that's not a good thing. But Steve, I'm glad you're out of that and you deserve someone much better than that. And this look at this as a new opportunity for you to find someone better and that matches with who you are today, not who you were 23 years ago. Thanks for sharing, Steve. The next one comes from Tessa Perez. My first husband was very abusive. It didn't start until after we were married. Soon after we got married, we were arguing and he kicked me. He kicked me. Of course, he would apologize, and I believed him. Should I say it? I wanted to believe him. It escalated and I knew if I stayed, he would kill me. I was able to escape when some friends were moving out of state. I was one year shy of my wedding anniversary. There was no warning signs. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. I just found out I was pregnant when I left. He was he is abusive to his wife and she won't leave. Oh, I'm glad you got out, but I feel bad for his wife, and I'm hoping that she is able to get out.

SPEAKER_05 30:33

Um just kind of goes back to what we said or I think from the first post is unfortunately these these individuals that do this, it's like as soon as they you leave or whatever, they find the next person and they just keep the toxicity going. It's it's just sad. It's like go get help.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

Yeah. And and it's this should be proof to you that it's not you, it's not a you thing. It's them. They have the issue and they need to get help.

SPEAKER_05 30:56

And they need to deal with whatever their traumas are, childhood, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

What's scary is that there was no red flags, is what Tessa's saying or Tisa. When there's no red there's no red flags or no warning signs, that's the scary part because that's for sure. It's like what other skeletons are you hiding in the closet? You know, like that's that's not good. Thanks for sharing, Tisa.

SPEAKER_05 31:16

Is it supposed to be Courtney? Yeah. Okay, so Courtney, I'm gonna butcher this last name. I'm sorry, Courtney. Lashvere. Hey, Cody and Mariah, the most toxic relationship I was in with an ex-boyfriend of mine. I had first met him on a dating site back in 2010, and we went on two dates, and at that at that time, but it led to nowhere since he claimed I was too good for him. By too good, I wasn't intimate with anyone yet and inexperienced compared to him. That already sounds like garbage. A fast forward seven years later, I had just ended a relationship that was a year and a half long due to my ex not wanting the same things as I did, and I was pretty hurt. I didn't give myself time to heal, so I made another dating profile. Dude from 20 to 10 reached out to me and we decided to give it another shot. First red flag was him mentioning that he didn't want children, despite me saying and mentioning in my profile that I wanted children. He then would play these mind games where one minute he'd say he wanted to have a family and the next he would change his mind. Oh, that's not fair. That's gaslighting into a tea. Another red flag was that out of nowhere, he'd start yelling at me, blaming me for something stupid and claiming I was crossing a boundary when he didn't even mention any kind of boundaries at all to me, leaving me confused and freaked out. I ended up sleeping with him and he was my first. To this day, I still regret it at times and realize that I feel his only mission with me was to add me as another notch to his belt. After we started becoming intimate with each other, the abuse started. He would start gaslighting me, making me think I did things that never happened and I felt like I was going insane slowly. He would constantly try to control every little thing I did around him, and it got to the point where I was walking on eggshells around him. If I were to uh if I were to walk a step out of line, he'd flip out. He bought me a cell phone and a gun only to take them back not long after. I don't know if there was a breaking point, but out of nowhere, he said he didn't want me to mention him or have any photos of us anywhere in social media. Ooh, red flag for sure. I took everything down and after he dragged me to his parents' house on Christmas Eve, acting like all was well, he broke up with me on New Year's Eve 2017 after making me buy him a case of beer. The reason why I stayed with him before he broke up with me was because I felt like I couldn't do better. I thought love could save him, and most of all, I had grown attached to his cats. He claimed it was never a breakup that I was a break. He blamed me getting sexually assaulted by a former friend for his triggers and PTSD when I was the one who got the worst of it. To this day, if any man raised their voice at me, I immediately immediately go into fight or flight. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was not only did he scream in my face while his cats were hovering around me trying to protect me, he took back the phone and gun he gave me pulling an Indian giver move. Even after I went to the police to appease appease him to report that I was sexually assaulted by that former friend, he still dumped me. I found out not long after he said he didn't think he was going to date for a while. He had another woman had her move in with him immediately. Well, that's probably why he had you remove all the pictures and everything with him, unfortunately. Okay, this is ugh. I don't like when people act like this to other people. It's just not one city asked me to move in with him ever. On top of that, they got engaged nine months after I last saw him. After that relationship ended, I went insane for a while. I'd meet with men who were either friends or guys off Tinder just to have dinner and fuck. I would just send naked photos of myself to guys because at that time I didn't just I didn't care at all. I felt damaged on the same level as a whore. Luckily, I was on birth control pills and I didn't get pregnant or catch any STDs, thank God. The biggest wake-up call for me was when I thought I was pregnant, but it was false. I was a wreck crying my eyes out, freaking out about being pregnant with a man I barely knew's kid and ruining my life at 30 years old. Other um epiphany was hearing my mom tell me, I didn't raise you to act like this to disrespect your body like that. It really hurt hearing her say that. But at that point, something clicked inside of me. I started doing things for myself again. I started volunteering at a cat shelter since I was unable to adopt a cat living with my parents. I started looking for a job, spruced up my resume and listening to my parents more. In early August 2018, I made a new dating profile and changed my preferences big time. I ended up meeting my now husband and uh on there, and life is way better. Since the whole incident with my ex, I started putting myself first. I stopped settling and responding to people who wanted to get into my pants or gave me any sort of attention. As a late friend of mine once told me, I started to know my worth. I never repeated that mistake again. And thanks to my support system, I was able to think clearly to realize what a real man is like and how they're supposed to treat you. I'm so happy that you had a good support system for sure and got away from that because that just sounded awful. Awful, awful.

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Yeah, Courtney, that's uh that's some craziness right there from that guy. And the red flag definitely was to take down photos you guys had together. People that love to be with someone and love to be together, they're gonna want to show each other off.

SPEAKER_05 36:30

And that's just and that's just a fucking note for everybody. If you are ever with anybody, a guy or girl, that all of a sudden is like, oh, take down the pictures, we need to XYZ, they're seeing somebody else behind your back. I guarantee it.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

I always find it funny when you see like on stories or whatever, when someone takes a picture of like their meal or where they're at, but they don't have like you can see the person's hand, but you can't see like who it is or whatever, and it's like it's not that you're being it's not that you're like trying to be mysterious or whatever. There's something that's going on there, and that's a red flag. Everyone knows that. People aren't stupid, they know that there's something shady going on there, and then there's people like, well, I don't want people to know my business.

SPEAKER_05 37:06

Well, you're right, because you're doing something shady, like but you also are showing a little bit of your business because you are like save a hand or something like that. So you want people to be engaged, like, oh, who is it? Well, they're with somebody who is it?

SPEAKER_02 37:19

Seeking attention, seeking attention. That's literally what it is, and it's it's whatever. But I'm glad you were able to get out of that, Courtney. That is awesome that you have, you know, now you have love in your life and someone that values you and does not gaslight you and that doesn't treat you like you're just a person that they can use as an option or or what have you. So going through all that, that sounds perfectly normal as far as you know, the I think when you're in something really bad, it's very simple to go down the path of hunting different relationships or hunting different people. Like I shouldn't say hunting, that's like but looking looking out for love or looking out for ways of you know understanding if if you're desired and if you know what happiness is to you.

SPEAKER_05 38:00

And it's kind of a yeah, especially when you have any sort of sexual assault too, that fucks with your head, and I can speak from that too. You know, you start feeling less than, you know, or can start feeling less less than, and then you just start doing wild things, and then hopefully, like luckily in your situation, you have that support system saying, What the fuck are you doing? That really helps you kind of get out of it and go, you know what? I'm changing my whole mindset because I'm gonna love myself.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Yeah, mom mom made a great choice in in uh in giving you that advice. This one coming in coming in from uh friend Nikki Bolt and Nikki says, Can you give the mo I think these are the questions? I've had a couple of I've had a couple but different toxicities. First one was my son's donor. He was a control freak. I wasn't allowed to work unless he was working at the same place and wow, and off an off chance he didn't work there, I had to call on my breaks and lunch. Working at a call center, I would end up going to breaks slash lunch late if I was stuck on a call and I would get the third degree and I would get the third degree from him. He controlled the finances, which means he spent it all on what he wanted and hell with what was needed for the home or kids. I wasn't allowed to drive, I wasn't allowed to talk slash text unless he was hovering and asking who I was talking to slash what was being said by the other person. He went through my social media and deleted a bunch of people, all guys I either knew from school or worked with, all strictly platonic. Bad deal around be bad deal all around from from him. Second was a man child. He couldn't do anything for himself, aside from his laundry. I had to tell him what chores needed to be done. I had to remind him that what bills were due every two weeks. I had to tell him when his dog needed food slash water to go outside. He would say it was his depression that caused him to not do anything, but the multiple times I brought brought up seeing a professional, I don't want to talk to a professional. I only want to talk to you. Like that's a cool, that's cool, but a professional can help level you out, dude. I quit using my dishwasher and clean dishes, were left in the strainer for about a week before I did them. While putting them away, he told me he was going to do it. I add, I had asked when he was going to do because of how long they were there for already. I'm not a neat freak by any means, but I do like to keep my home clean. And then what kept you in that relationship? First, first one, I couldn't do anything. Literally, it took me it took him doing something that honestly should have landed him in a wood chipper for me to be able to break free. The second, I don't know why I stayed for so long at the time. Looking back, it was convenient. He started as a booty call, but by the end of the week, he was telling people we were dating. I hadn't been in a relationship since my son's donor, about six or seven years. So I said, fuck it. I'll I really should have told him to untell people we were dating. Looking back, were the red flags you ignored, were the red flags you ignored and wide. First, he said all the right the first one said all the right things at all the right times, did the right emotions, gestures, etc. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and believe that good people exist. Come to find out he wore a phenomenal mask that slowly degraded over time. The second one, the red flags came after he got comfortable and I called him out on it. He said he'd do better and me being me, I hoped he would. He'd change for a week or so and then slowly drift back to being a man child. Did this relationship reflect anything about how you saw yourself at the time? The first one, absolutely. I had such a negative view of myself because he had ingrained that I was pretty much worthless, that no one would want me with a kid, that no one really wants to be my friend because of XYZ. Second, yes, I realized that I had given him the benefit of the doubt too much. It made me realize that I'm a pushover with some things and I had to take a drastic step, end it. What was what was it that was finally the breaking point that made you leave? The first, I caught him molesting his daughter. My God, wow. She was three at the time and on video told the detective where he had touched her. Unfortunately, no charges were brought against him because according to the prosecuting attorney at the time, one, I was stepmom, two, she was three. Three, he didn't admit to it. I could go on go on so much further into this, but I don't want to take up your entire segment. Oh my goodness. Well, that person, that that guy needs to be in a wood chipper for sure. But he should be tortured. I firmly believe that. What a piece of shit. Um, the second, um, he was my son, he and my son were arguing. My son was probably eight at the time, and Manchild storms off to bed. I got my son calmed down and settled into bed and went to bed myself. I was in bed for less than 30 seconds before Manchild flings off the covers and gets dressed while muttering to himself, and then stands in the doorway and in the most emo fashion turns to me and says, I'm sorry I didn't clean the car out. Please take care of my dog. Like, what the fuck, dude? I'm going to go walk up a mountain and not come back. He doesn't listen to me. Dude, I'm his mom and he doesn't even listen to me. On top of what he would charge towards, on top of that, he would charge towards my son when arguing. I've had to step in between them multiple times. I told him at every at the very beginning that I would always choose my son if it comes to if it came to that. He would call my son a brat or he would use fake tears to try and guilt my son. Oh my God. Yeah, this is definitely a man child. What the fuck? What did you learn from it? First, I don't trust everything the other person is saying. I didn't realize it then, but he had love bombing. Made me feel like I was so important and special, and honestly, I didn't feel that way before. Quit the second one, quit being so fucking nice and trusting. I co-signed on a car for him, telling him that in six months he needed to refinance it to remove my name. Almost two years later, it took me repossessing the vehicle because he was late on the payments and selling it to remove my name. Did it leave him without a vehicle? Yep. I am sorry. Am I sorry? Nope. I told him to refinance and reminded him numerous times to do so. Not my problem. He refused to do all. What he said he'd do. Did you repeat some of the same mistakes and get involved with someone that was similar? No, with my husband, even though I know he's a man of his word, I still took it still took time before making a big decision. He understood where I was coming from and why I had waited. What boundaries did you learn you need now? I need to learn I needed to learn that not every partner means what they say. There are those that those out there that that'll say things to get something they want. There are partners out there that will pretend all is titties and tacos to get away get to get what they want, but the second they don't get it, it all goes to hell. How are you different in relationships today? Because of it. I took my time with my husband. Granted, he we we have history, but people change. When I got out of the relationship with the man child, I had to move 900 miles away about two weeks after I moved. My husband asked if we'd ever had a chance again. I was saying I was saying every curse word there was because he just had to wait for me to move before asking that. I told him if he said that before I moved, my plans would have changed for him. About two months after that, I got a text from him spilling his guts to me. Honestly, I was apprehensive because I've been second, third, fourth, etc. choice before, and that doesn't bond bode well for me for self-esteem. So I had asked if he was being truthful or gauging my reaction. 100% truthful was his response. That made me feel stupid giddy. I love that. Was it love or attachment? The first one I thought it was love. Once he stripped me of my anatomy, autonomy autonomy, it became dependence, and I hated every bit of it. Dependence turned into resentment. Resentment turned into independence the day I turned him in. Thank God you did. I hope that person is rotting in fucking jail. Well, I guess he didn't got away with it, right? That's fucked. Well, he's I'm hoping he's rotting in in a in a hell in his life. The second, it wasn't love or attachment. I never once told him I loved him, nor did I make any mention close to that. Like I said, earlier looking back, it was convenient at the beginning. Once he got comfortable and it started late and started lazing about it, turned to anger about me being the only adult under the roof. Did you stay because you cared or because you were afraid to leave? First, I was afraid at first. Being independent after being controlled for two years, I could buy what was needed and not have someone be pissed he couldn't afford he couldn't buy alcohol. I could talk freely, freely to whoever and not have a million questions about who that person is, how I know them, if we'd ever hooked up, etc. Second one, I don't want to say I was afraid to leave. I wasn't. It was more so about him saying because I left that his depression worsened or he attempted suicide. I finally kicked my own ass and told him, told myself that whatever he cho chooses to do it is his own choice. If he chooses to hurt or end himself, that's his choice, and that is not my fault. Did he try? Not that I'm aware of. I'm sure he salt and whined to whoever would listen.

SPEAKER_05 46:58

I just want to put a reminder out there. Anybody that's dating someone like that, my abusive ex-husband told me if I ever left him, he'd kill himself. That was eight years ago, and as far as I'm aware, the motherfucker's still alive. So exactly.

SPEAKER_02 47:10

Yeah, people that are really going through it typically don't just they don't use it as a weapon.

SPEAKER_05 47:15

People who are clinically and absolutely depressed and on the verge of suicide don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 47:20

They don't well, they don't use that as a weapon, especially as a bargaining tool or anything like that. Last question here How did how did it shape who you are today, good or bad? I've turned into a bigger asshole with some things. I'm more blunt and I don't care if I it hurts feelings. If you need to hear it, it'll be said. I wholeheartedly support getting your mental health taken care of. But when you flat out refuse because you don't want to, that tells me you're either saying you have mental health issues for attention or you truly have no idea what entails with said mental health issue and don't want the conversation to go further, so you don't get busted for lying. For better, I'm not sure on that yet. I'm sure I've gotten better about some things, but honestly, I'm not sure what I'm still super independent to my husband's dismay. I'll carry almost all the groceries in before going back for a second trip or letting him carry the bulk in. I do, however, trust my husband to have control over certain things. I know he won't use it against me or keep it over my head. If for some reason things go south between us, I know he's not going to say something like, I paid the mortgage, I paid for your phone, I let you live in my house. It'll be amicable. I'm doing everything I can to make sure it gets it never gets to that point because honestly, it's a freaking catch, and I he's a freaking catch, and I couldn't be more happier where I'm at in life with him.

SPEAKER_05 48:34

Yay! See, I love a good story, a good, a happy ending, you know?

SPEAKER_02 48:38

There's there's a lot, the lot that went into this, obviously. Um and thank you for sharing after the rain. Thank you for sharing all of that. And that's it sounds like you were in a a very, very bad situation, not once, but twice. The first one, even more so with the person being a predator, fucking pedophile. I can't fucking stand those fucking pieces shit, motherfuckers. But I'm um like I said, I'm hoping that he's living a hell right now. He may not be in jail, but hopefully he's he's paying back for everything and he'll have his day someday in hell. Thank you for sharing, Nikki. All right, so uh we'll share our experiences, and I think we're almost up to an hour, so like I said, we're gonna try to get through this as quickly as we can. So I'll let you go first.

SPEAKER_05 49:20

Okay. Well, I think as most know, but for new listeners, uh I was married um previously for five years to um an abusive man. So that was the most toxic relationship I've ever been in. And what kept me in that relationship, honestly, I think it was a multitude of things. Ego for one, because we did get married very fast. Um, and so there were so many people telling me from the get-go, like, it's never gonna work, it's never gonna work. So I don't know, just the egotistical person inside my head was like, I'm gonna prove them wrong. No matter what, I'm gonna prove them wrong. So I think with that mindset, I stayed a lot longer than I should have. But two, I'm also like it's very common and and I'm one of those people too, I like to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. I'm a very caring and empathetic person. So I like to give I know we all do shitty things, but I know deep down inside there is good, or I like to believe so anyway. And so sometimes I especially in my past, I've whether it's relationships or actual relationships, friendships or relationships. I've probably been friends or stayed in too long just because I was like, there's good in there, I feel it, but then after a while it's like, what the fuck are you doing? Looking back, was there red flags you ignored? Absolutely. Um alcohol obviously was a big huge one in this relationship. I I mean, and that goes both sides. I was a big drinker, he was a big drinker, um, you know, but in this instance, I don't and it could be a mix of things, but I believe the abuse signs didn't show until after we got married and we relocated to Denver. So we were away away from my family, friends, his family friends, um, that type of stuff. So then he was really in control. Um, and it just it it really started that way. Um uh did this relationship reflect anything about how you saw yourself at that time? I don't um at that time I I think I I mean I was ready to settle down. I wanted somebody. I was always the person that was like, I'm never gonna get married, I'm never gonna have kids. But in the back of my mind, like my parents at that time were getting ready to retire. So they'd made comments of, you know, we just want you to find someone, we want to know that you're taking care of, type of a thing, which I can take care of myself, thank you. But I think back then, in the back of my mind, you know, when I met him, something just clicked and it just felt right. I think we kind of trauma bonded is the issue too, because those never work. Well I shouldn't say never, usually don't work. So I think it was just a multitude of things of just I gotta do this, I guess. I don't know. What was it that finally what was it that that was finally the breaking point that made you leave just over all the abuse? It just kept getting worse and worse as alcoholism got worse and worse. Um, and it wasn't he was more mentally abusive than physically. I mean, there was the time when he did knee me in the face on our anniversary, and there was times, you know, that he threw shit at me or would come home in a drunken rage and break shit, punch shit, punch the wall, punch the fridge, try to break our brand new TV. He would always constantly break his phones in a fit of rage against me for whatever reason. So I lucked out and we were supposed to move to Washington State because that's where he had a job. So he luckily he was already there, so he was gone, and our lease was up in a week, two weeks, and I had a just all my friend had a you know, had just gotten a townhome, and she's like, dude, I have a room. She's like, Fucking move in with me. And I was like, All right. So I just said, fuck it, we're done. Because I honestly feel I had to do it with him not around because he is violent and had guns and all that stuff, which I'm not necessarily against guns per se, but in the event I felt my life was at risk trying to end it with him around. Um, what did you learn from it? So many things. You don't rush into marriage, you don't rush into relationships, you learn you need to love yourself first before you can love anybody else or ensure that you're finding the right person that's for you. Otherwise, you just keep the cycle going of these shitty toxic relationships because I mean it happens. Not only have we expressed it here through people commenting on the podcast, but from my own personal experience too, um, if you don't, if you don't help yourself, you don't heal yourself, you don't love yourself, no one's gonna do it for you. And you're just gonna constantly do this cycle of going back into the shit, back into the shit. So do yourself a favor. Learn to love yourself and whatever that looks like. Love yourself. Um did you repeat some of the same mistakes and get involved with someone that was similar? I did repeat some of the same mistakes after just because I did go kind of into a I didn't deal with the abuse or like previous abuse prior to him. I always relied on alcohol. I think my ADHD did play into effect because obviously back then I didn't know that I have ADHD, but now knowing, holy shit, my life could have been so much different, but I don't regret anything. So it is what it is. But I mean, I somewhat similar in the sense of just toxic relationships, just a part of ADHD too is that you jump into relationships too fast, you go gung hard, gung-ho so fast, so fast, you're in it, you're in it, you're in it until you're fucking not, and then you're not. And then it's like you just wake up one day and you're not in that fucking love bubble anymore, and you're like, what the fuck am I doing here? So I did. So it wasn't until I took a step back, took a breath, had a good support system, went to therapy, and really just started loving myself to get out of again these the cycle. What boundaries did you learn or what boundaries did you learn you need now? Always put the boundary that like I come first, I'm not gonna handle disres I'm not taking disrespect, you're not gonna talk to me negatively, I'm not gonna talk to you negatively. It goes both ways. You just have to make sure that you are compatible, that you're just not jumping into something just to fill a void because that's not gonna work out either for either person. How are you different in relationships today because of it? I think I'm different. I hope I'm different. And that I like to I communicate. If there's a problem, let's talk about it. I don't and then just being respectful. Like, yes, I know we all can be reactionary when things happen, but it's really just taking a step back breathing and realizing like this is your partner, this is your love. Why do you want to talk to them so negatively? So holding back those negative words, thoughts in that moment that just irritates you and just breathing and just saying, you know what, this upsets me because XYZ versus you fucking idiot, or like people do. So was it love or attachment? I'm sure all of it was attachment, but I tried saying it was love. It's easy to do, um, but definitely I think attachment. Did you stay because you cared or because you were afraid to leave? Both. I'm in that marriage, absolutely. I did I did love him, I thought, but it just got to a point, like I said, I was afraid to leave, but then it all aligned and he wasn't around, so I could leave. Um, how did it shape who you are today, good or bad? Um, I would say I hope good. I feel like it's good. It's a big learning lesson that you really need to be careful who you are giving yourself to, who you are allowing to be with you all the time, be in a relationship, opening, you know, yourself up to them, allowing them to have access to your body, your mind, everything. I I hope good. I feel good. I like who I am, I don't regret anything. Good and bad. I mean, shit happens, shitty shit happened. But again, I'm a true believer that we are meant to go through what we're supposed to go through to make us stronger. I know that can mean some shitty, shitty situations of like why would this happen? Because it's horrible, but with the right tools, it makes you, in my opinion, a better, better person. But that way you take the next step of your life to be your best self and put yourself first in a positive way, in a good way, and not an egotistical way. When I say put yourself first, I mean love yourself so others can love you.

SPEAKER_02 56:59

Yeah. And I mean, like you mentioned that you have to go through some shit in order to find what you want and what you need and what you desire and what you deserve. And if if if everything was all rosy sunshine and rainbows and happiness, you wouldn't be able to appreciate it. You wouldn't be able without the bad, you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good to see like, wow, I don't really have it that bad. Like you look back and you're like, you look back at some of your old relationships and and then you see what you have now or what you're going through now. It's like, well, there was it was way worse. And what am I bitching about? I'm upset that they left their laundry on the floor or I'm upset about dinner wasn't done on time, whatever the case may be. The stupid things that don't matter that you can overlook. Let it go.

SPEAKER_05 57:41

Let it fucking go. Why hold on to it and hold a grudge to your partner? And talk it out. Let it talk it out, talk it out. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 57:49

I've realized that. I think the most important thing I've learned in all of my craziness is that communication will get you so much further. And just being honest about where you're at. If something is bugging you or you're desiring something that you're not getting from your person, letting them know, like, hey, this is really bugging me. This is what I need. How can we come together to make sure that I'm getting satisfied, but I'm not asking you to do something you don't want to do, or where are you at with this, or where are you like clarify, like clarify where and and that way, because it's very likely that your person probably doesn't even know unless they're purposely doing something. It's very likely they just don't realize it. So with life being so busy and so chaotic, and all the shit that we're seeing around the world right now and being distracted with this and that, this and that, this and that on top of your work, and you're if you have kids, if you have hobbies or whatever it is you have going on, it's really simple for you to overlook some things that you just have built by habit and you didn't realize that were affecting your person, your partner. So talking it out can make the world of a difference. And we've learned that between you and I. So for my turn, I will just say that can you think of the most toxic relationship you have ever been in? Well, every single one of them that I've been in besides this one has been toxic. And I'm just being 100% authentic and real here with you guys. Every single relationship I've been in has been bad. And a lot of it has to do with me. But a lot of it, well, you know what? Fuck it. I'll say a lot of it, most of it all was to do with me. And whether that was my behaviors or the behaviors that I allowed to happen or the behaviors of who I chose to be with when there was clearly red flags there that weren't for me, that person could have been a great person, but they weren't for me and not what I really truly desired. And I stayed in it way too long. So I will take 100% accountability and say that I was the toxic person and I was uh the fault for it. Not that those people didn't have flaws or their own things, but I'm just gonna own it and just say all of my relationships have been really fucking bad in the past. Like there's been so much crazy. I've been run over by a car. I've been chased after with a bat. It's not funny, but it's crazy. Like I've had stalkers, like crazy ass stalkers freaking the fuck out on me. Um and a lot of it had to do with the choices I was making. It was a lot of what I was I mean, I was always very honest with at least when I was single or dating multiple people, I was very, very honest that I didn't want a relationship. But when it came to actual relationships that I was in, there was a lot of like shadiness on their part and my part constantly, and a lot of one-upping each other. Like it was always competition, it felt like like, oh, how can I outdo this person or how can I not um how can I be better than them in then this aspect or get more attention? Like I've had relationships where they literally were just about who can get the most attention in what aspect and in what way. And that is so bad. Exhausting. It is exhausting, it is very bad. And um, when something would be done to me, I'd be like, all right, all right, cool. I'm gonna double that and I'm gonna make it twice as worse for you. I'm gonna get you back and see how you feel about it. And then she would get me back twice back and back and forth. Yeah. It was, and it was always really, really bad. And so I laugh about it now that like I said right now, it's made me appreciate what I have now because I don't do those, I don't repeat myself from those things. I learned from those lessons and I'm like, I don't want that anymore. I had my fun with it as much as it wasn't fun at the time. I I laugh about it now because it's it's it's almost comical. It's almost something like something you'd see in a movie. And everyone else probably enjoyed watching the shit show happen that was around for it, whether that be my friends or my acquaintances at the time or all that kind of shit. And for me, what kept me around those relationships was like I said earlier, it's hard for me to break up with anybody. I don't like hurting people, even though I was doing things that were hurting people and intentionally like trying to one-up them, like whenever they'd hurt me. Um, but I don't like to be the person that says, all right, we're done, and then call it good. I don't know what it is about it that I've always had that struggle with that. I've had that struggle with even firing band members when I've had to fire band members and let go of people. I still can't really do it. I can do it to an extent, but I can't, it takes a lot for me. When I get to that point, guys, it's really, really, really, really, really bad because I just don't do that. I mean, the past when band members have been fired, someone else has done it. Or it's it's just it's never been one of those my strong suits. It's been a weakness of mine. So what's kept me in those relationships in the past has always been just I think it's been attachment. It's been having those discussions and being just hard for me to cut the tie as far as with someone that I'm romantically involved with or with music, someone that I music is one of those weird things that when you're creating music together and you're creating memories and you're all uh it's a relationship on its own that unless you've been in a band, it's a bond, unless you've ever been in a band with someone, you won't understand what that's like. Because creating music is you're sharing like emotions, you're sharing all sorts of things. It's an intimate way, yeah. Not in a sexual way, but in its own way. So I would say that's what's kept me in those relationships in the past. Um and the memories too. I think a lot of the times we reflect on the good times, and it's like what what makes me think about that is like, okay, if you can remember the good times and the bad times really don't matter that much, or maybe they were really that bad, were the good memories that good that the bad didn't matter as much, or was it just that I blocked out the bad memories and I just kept holding the good memories on a pedestal and I said, you know what, this outweighs the bad. So that I think that's what maybe what has kept me in those relationships. Looking back, were there red flags you ignored and why? Yes, for me, I'm just gonna be honest, I'm all about I like I like substance now, but I'm I've always been about the looks. If I just see this drop dead gorgeous woman and we connect and we have we start making these memories and all this crap, I can overlook a lot of shit. And it's something about I think guys in general are like that. If you're really attracted to someone and there's a bond there that you've built with them through various ways of similar interests and sexual chemistry or whatever, it's very easy to just be like, you know what? I can overlook that. You know what? Now no one's perfect. You tell yourself these things in your head, you overlook them. Or like you were mentioning earlier, I think we talked about this earlier about people that they have to prove prove something wrong. Like, I can change this person. I've been there. I've been that I can make this work. I'm not gonna let those people that were telling me this is not gonna work.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:17

So then you're just putting on a show for people.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:19

Yes, and that's horrible because then you're not happy. No, then you're not, and I've done that. I've been in those relationships where like I remember one that I was in, and everyone was always up and up in arms and involved in it and telling me I shouldn't do this or I shouldn't be involved with this person and this and that and this and that and this and that. And I was like, nope, I'm gonna I'm gonna prove you guys wrong. You guys are just jealous, you're jealous because of who I'm dating, you're jealous that I'm not this person, and I'm gonna prove you wrong, prove you wrong, prove finally to the point where it just bursted and it was just complete shit. And everyone knew we shouldn't be together, and I knew it. I just had I hadn't accepted it yet. And you can't change somebody no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter what ultimatums you have. I don't care if you have kids, I don't care if you're married, I don't care if you have a house, I don't care if you know you have this long ass history with someone. You cannot change a person. A person is gonna be who they are, and you just have to accept them. Otherwise, it's not love. If you do not accept someone for who they are, you do not love them. You love an idea in your head that you convince yourself that you're gonna make them, that you can make them, and you need to stop that. That needs to cut the tie. I've been there so many times with past relationships, and I think that those girls that were with me probably had that same vision with me. They were like, I can change him, I can make him different. He's different with me, or I have this power over him. No, you do not. I'm telling you right now, I'm talking for all guys when I say this. You cannot change a stubborn man. We are just we are the way that we are. Female is either. I know, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:43

I think it's kind of similar. I mean, I don't know if it's similar, but kind of just like someone that's an addict or an alcoholic or something like that. They're not gonna stop until they're ready to change.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:52

Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:53

So you can't change someone that's not ready to change.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:56

No, no. And and and people are just stubborn and they're stuck in their fucking way. That's just the flat out truth. And people that are so hellbound and determined, it's like you're only hurting yourself and prolonging the hurt. And that's why I've been in all these long, long-term relationships. I'm a guy that when I am in a relationship, it lasts a long time. I drag it out. It's bloody, it's ugly, and destroyed at the end. Well, we're we're we're four, what, what are we, four years deep now? We're four years deep, and we've been good. So can't say like usually by this point, it's already been destroyed and fucked up in my past relationships. So so that's that's kind of where I'm at with that. Um, let's see. Did the r relationship reflect anything about how you saw yourself at the time? Uh with all of them, yes, because I wanted to have a girlfriend and I still wanted to have my fun at the same time. And I felt like I kind of wanted to have the chaos, but I kind of wanted to have the structure. And I I just, yeah, I guess that's what that's kind of where I what I wanted. And you can't really have both. You gotta have you gotta it it's either one or the other. And if you're gonna be chaotic, you can't be with someone, you gotta just be single and figure out what what's causing you to want to be that way. Uh let's see here. What's the next one? Was it what was it that you find that was finally the breaking point that made you leave? Well, it's always been, like I said, them breaking up with me with the exception of one person where I left it. Um and like I said before, I just don't like breaking up with people, and that's that's maybe something that uh is just ingrained in me or whatever, and and that's just who I am. Uh, but very thankful for all these things because every time I've broken up, we've been I've broken up with somebody or someone's broken up with me, whatever, I've came out way better, a hundred times better. I look back and I'm like, God, I was a fucking I was a mess back then. The person I was with was a mess. And then I've seen what how their life ends up turning out and where my life ends up turning out, and I'm like, yeah, I didn't want to be with that person. Good for them if they're happy and what they're living the way they want, but hopefully they are. Wish them the best, but that's definitely not where I wanted to be or who I want to be with. And I'm so thankful that I'm where I'm at right now. So every single time that I've gotten out of relationships, I've always came out happier and better in the long run. And what always makes me laugh is like if those people that I dated in the past saw who I am today, they probably wouldn't recognize me at all whatsoever. Because I've always grown with each, with each relationship, I've just grown like to a completely different person to a whole another extent, and I love that about myself. I'm not perfect by any means, and I don't pretend to be, but I can just say that I just I always come out like a thousand times better. But sometimes it takes chaos to make beauty and to create something great. And I I I'm a firm believer of that, especially as an artist. Um see. What did you learn from it? Well, what I've learned from it is that what I don't want and what I do like and what I will put up with, what I won't put up with, what I expect my person to be like, and what my expectations are of myself to value someone. Um we I think we were talking about this earlier. It's like I don't understand when people go and complain about their partners to a big group of friends or to their group of friends a period in general. Like how you talk about your significant other reflects a lot about who you are as a person and how you are and your relationship and all that. Why would you want to put your business in someone else's face? And these people get this impression, they get one side of the story, they get this impression of your partner, and they hold on to that and they will remember that and they will view that person as the way you just painted them. And then you might get over the madness, the craziness, the fight, or whatever, but those people will always remember what you told them and they're gonna view your partner like that. Why would you want that? I think a relationship is between two people, or sometimes three or four, depending on what kind of relationship you're in, through whatever. But it's between those people that are in that relationship. It's nobody else's business to know what exactly is going on unless something crazy has happened, like you're getting beat or raped or whatever, like and you need to let somebody know about that. But if you guys are having problems in certain aspects, go seek a professional together. Do what you want at the end of the day. But I would never go out of my way to go tell someone, hey, you know, me and Mariah, blah, blah, blah, this, we're we're fighting because of that. I don't feel like that's anyone's business. It's it's really not. That's between me and you. If we have an issue, we're gonna talk it out, and I don't want anyone else knowing what's going on. Just like if we disagree on something or we fight about something, we're not gonna fight in person in front of our friends or in front of other people. That's I refuse to do that. That's just that looks really, really shitty and really bad, and it's no one else's business. Fight on your own time. Fight on your own. It's awkward for everybody and uncomfortable, but fight on your own time. People, you should be coming in together as a team, and you should be coming in, you know, as as a unit. And yeah, you can have little disagreements, but if it's a serious something, like just save it for later when you guys are in private and you guys can discuss and figure out your shit. Talk it out, yeah. Um, did you repeat some of the same mistakes and get involved with someone that was similar? Uh yeah, many times in the past. I have, when I was younger, I guess. I'd always get with people that were similar to my previous, previous, previous, and that's just had a pattern in the past. What boundaries did you learn you need now? Well, the major one is communication and respect. That's what matters to me the most. Communication, respect, honesty, and and valuing what you have, not taking it for granted. Many people do that with relationships. They take each other for granted. And then they realize that when that person's not there anymore, things are all very different. And the little things that you thought were that you didn't even pay attention to may mean the world to you next time that you are dating someone. So value what you have and appreciate it. How are you different in relationships today because of it? Oh man, like I said, I am a now I'm a billion times better because every with every relationship I've gotten a thousand times better, a thousand times better. I feel like today compared to when I first started dating my young, young, young years of what, 13 or 14 years old, I am a billion times better now and more mature and adult. I used to be so jealous back when I was younger. It was we oh yeah. I was jealous and possessive. I remember one time I freaked out on my ex because, and I I laugh about this now, and I'm sure if she heard this too, she'd laugh. But I remember she came out of the women's bathroom at a football game, and she had like sprayed some perfume on her chest, and for some reason I thought like it was all sweaty from her doing something shady or something. Shit, like like Yeah, but she came out with her friends too. Like she was just out of a bathroom with her like group of girlfriends, and I got so I was like, I freaked out, caused a big old fucking scene, got all dramatic, and like it's just like now that I think back on it, I'm like, God, I was such a just a jealous, possessive prick. But it's a it's as a Mexican, we are controlling normally and possessive and jealous. Not that you've probably seen any of that with me, because I'm not like that. You know that I'm not. I don't I don't care if you're talking to someone or whatever, I don't get up all in your business or anything like that. I'm I'm secure with you and I trust you and whatnot. But back in the day, uh 15-year-old Cody Perez would have been all up on you and just like, what the fuck? And like, don't even look over there, like super possessive and controlling. Don't eat, yeah, look not really, but uh very controlling and very jealous. So I'm I'm so glad I'm not like that. And I I actually after that relationship, I stopped being jealous, actually. Because it and that was very young. So I learned very young. I think I got out of that relationship when I was 20, 21, something like that. 22.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:12

That makes you I mean, granted, that's your issue, but like if someone's making you feel insecure, then why are you with them?

SPEAKER_02 1:13:19

Yeah, yeah. You should trust your person. If you're if you are with someone, they should make you feel secure and like you don't have to be possessive. If they are doing things to purposely make you jealous, talk it out first. And if behaviors don't change, they're either A doing it on purpose or B, maybe you have the issue. I don't know. Whatever. Um, or if they're not if it's not happening and you're still getting jealous, it might be all in your head and maybe you have the issue. So it works both ways. Let's see. Was it love or attachment? For me, I mean, I loved. I definitely loved, and um, I love hard. When I love something, I just fucking want to grab my hands around it and fucking squeeze it to the end. It's mine. You know me, I'm a fucking lover, dude. I'm a fucking lover and a half and very passionate and very uh emotional, can be very emotional and just very physical. I love to touch and uh I like all of it. I like all of it. I like physical physical touch to me is very important. It's a major, major thing. It's a mandatory thing now. Touching food, yeah. Physical and food. I fucking fucking and food. The two Fs that matter. I'm sorry you guys have to hear my dirtiness out there, but that's the reality. That's who Cody fucking Perez is. Uh, did you say because you cared or because you were afraid to leave? I wasn't afraid to leave. Maybe I was afraid emotionally to leave because that's like those memories are gone. Those those those memories hold you to someone, bond you to them. And because I cared. I mean, I care till the very end. But then once you're gone out of my life, dude, you are gone, gone, gone. I don't dwell and think about it, I don't regret it, I don't, whatever. I wish you the best, but I don't my once once it's gone, that emotion is done. Like it doesn't exist. It's weird for me to think back on some of these, on all of them, and think like there was a love there or a passion or anything like that, because it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. How did it shape who you are today, good or bad? Um, well, it shaped me good, I would say, not bad, uh, because now I know, like I said, I know what I want, what I don't want, what I'll put up with, what how to respect and how to love properly, and I have expectations of myself and of my partner, my person, my woman, my lady. So that that's it with that. Thank you guys all very much for participating. I love when we have a bunch of answers, and the more details the better, obviously, that we can work off of. And I thank you guys for contributing to the question of the week. Now we're gonna go on to segment two with my guest, Lyrizoned. So stick around and enjoy this

Segment 2

SPEAKER_02 1:15:42

one. How's it going, everyone? Welcome to segment two of the Liquid Shape Podcast. And today I have a special guest by the name of Lirazone. He is a new metal artist from the Pacific Northwest. And I just recently found out about him and started looking into it into his music. And I'm pretty excited to have you here, man. How's it going? How you doing, man? I'm doing great and uh excited to have you here. I actually was checking out your uh your Instagram earlier this morning. I just I didn't want to do too much digging around just because I like to get the conversation going here on the podcast, but I was able to check out some of your tracks and I like on Spotify and I dig it, dude. I like the sound, definitely. Thank you. So um what got you into music? Let's start from there. If you want to just tell the audience about yourself, how how you got into music, a little bit about your background, what you do for a living, all that kind of stuff, and we'll just go from there.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:29

Awesome. Well, hello everyone, thanks for tuning in. So my name's Lyra Zone. I am a new metal artist. Guess you can kind of say more historical fiction. I have a little bit more in the dabblings of kind of like more fantasy and stuff of that nature. Uh, for what started as far as this whole avalanche of creativity as far as music, it actually started with an actual natural hip-hop background, going from Charleston, South Carolina, starting with ciphers, doing really, really good 16s, writing structure, uh, to fire hose it from the very top. It took creative writing in school, pretty much basically journalism, the music appreciation, learned everything except learning how actually to look at music. And I get pretty much like a little out of sort when it comes to like learning different music, but I know it sounds good. So my perspective as far as music essentially is also tying in psychologically what is emotion to what is music when you apply emotion to it logically as well as what we physically feel emotionally and spiritually. And honestly, just having good upbringing as far as one, basically learn my creative side of one journalism, proper writing courses, learn what's like spoken word to haikus and all these different phrases as far as like how you write different things and what each one means. And to where now it's essentially I get to make pieces of work where I create storylines off of historical elements and or political figures, and I did them on kind of like more Julius Caesar-based, and have the character go in that time period, figure out what's going on, do a little bit of history, and essentially just guide it to having a fun spin on what my interpretation of history was. So love that.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:11

That's that's that's fucking awesome, dude. That sounds cool. That sounds like you did your homework and learning to write and and getting that all together. So with the journalism, were you were were you already planning on wanting to do music, or were you just kind of gonna go into, you know, for like magazines or for just anything, or what what what direction were you planning on going when you first got into the uh journalism?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:32

Believe it or not, that was actually a one I was going through a home life of trying to figure out what I want to do. Being an only child, it's one of those things where I had myself to my vices a lot, of just did whatever came natural and what felt comfortable. Of course, I had friends and stuff of that nature, but when you're by yourself a lot, you find out ways to one, figure out what you like and hone in on that. And things you don't like, they'll get close to it. So mostly as far as journalism, I was enjoying the one of getting of citing the sources, essentially making sure whatever I'm saying in or writing or like documenting, making sure I know every side of the party, every single, every perspective, essentially, like they say when you look at a let a number, I remember the psychological phrase for when you see one perspective, there's never a perspective looking right at it with a different perspective. So every perspective is right in its own way. So long story short, for journalism, I enjoyed the fact that one, it held me accountable to what I was doing and also helped me to where, okay, if I create this type of like story and I made it, let's go ahead and just say it was a spin-off of what is it called? The the ring of the I was just watching a movie this morning and throw my head around. Uh essentially it was like Charlie and Chocolate Factory, where essentially you have your own like basic idea and you want to build off that one, but there's so much creativity of how you can make it yours and find a way to also give props and pay homage, but also find a way to what does it make you feel unique about and how could you apply it differently to yours? So journalism, I enjoyed one, just breaking that wall down and literally just being myself. And also it sort of got me into the music appreciation phase to where I actually took that as a course is before you were able to actually elect your stuff. Now I don't know if the kids could actually still do that, but I was actually electing what I wanted to do. And I was like, I want to I want to be I want to be up around music. Like even if I can't read music, like I want to be around those that actually physically love it, and they maybe it would actually grow off on me. And uh I actually was using their pre-recorded rooms, and they have kind of like little bass rooms to where band members would practice the parts, and I would have me and some friends go on the rooms, and we would literally either write our 16s or we would like essentially know where learn our head voice, hello what that was, and essentially just watch like Melissa Cross videos of how to do different vocals. And and that was one of those things to where I was like, okay, this is so cool. And before you know it, like journalism and creative writing were slowly but surely turning into just me writing music when I got home. I would carry a marble notebook of just lyrics I wrote where them, I think it is really like clever line, or I just made a song itself and it didn't really actually become a song. It was just me just writing ideas down. And slowly but surely it became the fruition to where that was what made me happy at the end of the day. So I just kept on doing it.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:19

That is awesome, dude. I and being an only child, I can imagine that um it probably lent for you to be really creative because you know, you're by yourself, so you have your imagination growing up, and you know, you have to kind of when you're not around friends and you're at home, you have to really get creative so that you don't bore yourself as a kid. Would you say that was true?

SPEAKER_00 1:21:37

Yes. Especially in the perspective to where when you're by yourself, you have to actually like essentially when you formulate your opinions and you figure out like what you enjoy doing. And when you essentially do like a how they market it now, what they say, kind of like a warm push just figure as far as figuring out what you like and what the what kind of perspective you want creatively you want to go. And then when you engage other folks, you kind of like test the audience if you would like set, like essentially write the song and tell your friends, hey, I'm thinking about this one line. I really sound kind of cool as far as this whole like dimension, as far as what the story I'm doing. What are your thoughts on it? And some folks like, mm, that's not really my thing. And then that's one of those things where you're like, that's fine. If you if it's not for you, that's completely fine. It's it depends on where you're looking for your validation. If you're looking for it internally, then that's all about subjective of what you enjoy. If you're always looking for validation from others and not really finding it in yourself first, then you're always gonna lose because you're pleasing someone who's not actually in your shoes or looking for your best interest 100%.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:41

I love that, dude. That's like a that's a quote right there I can use for later on the when we push this episode out. That's very true. I I feel 100% what you're saying with that. Um, especially now in today's age with social media, everyone has an opinion, including myself, and I'm guilty of that. But when you put something out, you put a lot of work into it, and you want you're just excited to go share it. You're always gonna have people that, of course, will be like, oh, this is great, this is great, you can't do no wrong. And then there's gonna be those people that just completely ignore it and don't just whatever. And then you're gonna have those assholes that go on there and just have to tear it apart. They just talk all this mad shit, and it's just haters. It's people that just are negative, they're mad at themselves, probably, because they're not doing anything worthwhile. So here they are going online talking crap to somebody that you know they don't know through a screen and critiquing your work and and whatnot. Do you um do you would you say you you deal with a lot of haters sometimes with the the feedback you get too online or it's actually been actually on both sides.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:38

Uh believe it or not, as far as the haters itself, I used to take it like more than I've ever had. Like even now, when I essentially for my previous like occupation for subgenre, was more horror core, which is more like violent hip-hop but also story writing. And my producer and me for the longest time, like we've always enjoyed built in the stories with that. I never really just did the kind of like the one foot in, one foot out. If I'm fully immersed in something, I'm going to create a story. Yeah. To where I'd be watching films thinking, okay, so I'm gonna figure out the frequencies that really get someone's like nerves going. And I'm like, we're gonna I really want to do that. So especially for the longest time, I was like, okay, I I love horror movies. My father's a huge horror movie fan. I love them. But slow but surely is. What are some of your favorites? I'll stop you there, sorry. Lord, if well, the begotten is definitely one of those like weird ones. It's kind of like they why does it make any sense? I don't know if you're familiar with the begotten. It's definitely more black and white, very, very old schooled, very old school. It's kind of one of those like disturbing just to be disturbing, but don't really know where it comes from. Essentially, uh keep your re digest version so you can still look it up and not feel your plots ruined. Essentially, it's a viewpoint of the creature being God and coming down and the way civilization accepts the form and physical manifestation of a god of an actual god. It's actually more figurative. So that's where it if you're watching it in different cultures, you can still appreciate it. Because when you're looking at it, it's essentially humans not essentially showing humans its raw intent. One being intrigued, but also the violent nature just be violent. Um and it's one of those things where even when personally, I think one of the first five that like so far, I'm still a huge Hellraiser fan. Always will be. Yeah. Like it's obviously like almost where Friday 13th, where it's kind of like, okay, so where are we going with the storyline now? Because there's been so many that, okay, now Jason's face type thing. But I mean, I I like psychological horrors. Um we can go from dude's bad summer, like uh Baba Duke, if we can go kind of like more in the direction of like what's classified as horror, of what is like deeply suspenseful. I believe there's suspense horror and there's literally just suspense, to where horror itself is it the unnerving with suspense in itself kind of like what really makes your screen crawl and what makes the hairs in the back of your neck stand up. Yeah. Musically, I've always been fascinated by one, the collar response of what the vocals can do to make someone really immerse themselves in that personality. I like I said, being said for horror core, I love it, but I also fell out in love with it because one, it was very, very desensitized and dehumanized to a certain extent to where a lot of folks would not approach it like, oh, it's entertainment of watching a horror movie, watching Stephen King, to where folks who essentially just completely pigeonholed and not really understand what they're doing and the cause and effect of it. And me, I've always told folks I did performance dates. I also like enjoyed like the background of it. Like I've even did like building my own props. Like I did uh this little guts thing for a horror film I was working on where I just did like nylon stockings, some dirt, colored dye, stuff like that. And it's all about enjoying the whole journey to where now with New Metal, like Sorcery is more hybrid because I essentially have done enough songs to where every song is different. We don't have a template. We essentially figure out, okay, so what time period are we in? And this kind of goes back to the very beginning as far as what got me into writing. It's just the fascination of what I can do unsonically to get the creator or let the audience feel I'm there, whether it be like small ear candy, they don't catch until four listens later, to instruments where we have to literally figure out, okay, so what was played during the Roman times and figure out, okay, so we got the flutes, we got this, like what instruments are not heard anymore? And it just shows appreciation, one, for how far we go in the process of learning, but also accepting that, okay, well, we're gonna be we're gonna be humans anytime, so we're gonna probably make some mistakes. But the same point, too, is that how genuine can I make this project and this identity mine? And as far as music, that's bitch been my thing for the longest time is just figuring out what makes me comfortable. And going back to the beginning of being the only child, like that was my main thing. I leaned on music 100% for one, a concubine when I felt not so happy with myself, two more of a Mental like fixation of when I was down. Okay, what can I do to boost this dopamine level? And sometimes it's a give and take where you have music and songs that really get you up and make you feel better, but also there's ones that amplify that feelings. That's the really that's the duality of it.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:14

Yeah, dude, like everything you're saying too, I it connects with me. I I 100% feel you on that. Like I can tell you do your homework and you're uh I can tell that you put a lot of thought into your craft and I love that. That's that's I appreciate it. That says a lot, dude. That says a lot. And when you said psychological thrillers, I'm like, yes, because I I'm a fan of horror myself. I love horror, especially the 80s, 90s horrors, like where I grew up in in that era. And so I love I have a soft spot in my heart for that. But when I started seeing psychological thrillers and really understanding that, that's where I like I it got me excited. I'm like, okay, when I approach, when I'm creating something, I want to approach it from a a way that people it leaves people wondering and leaves people thinking and makes them want to know more or makes them want to further investigate, or um, it lets them create their own imagination from what I've just given, from what I've created again and given out to you as an artist. And that that to me is always fun. You know, I you hear artists that, you know, they'll flat out tell you, like, this song's about this, and that can be cool once in the blue moon, but I appreciate artwork that gets put out there and that makes me actually wonder and think, and I can take the song or the lyrics and make it my own. And it and like you said, it's my own journey. Now I'm putting that song in my head, and you know, I'm remembering like the first time I heard it, I'm remembering what I was doing when I heard it, or if it's a song I constantly have on repeat, is it something that I'm playing when I'm taking the long drive to practice, or that kind of stuff? And then later, that that song, it's tied to all those memories and it's tied to all these moments that you might not hear the song for 10 years, 20 years, and then you hear it and you're like, oh shit, and like all this stuff comes flashing back at you, those memories of of that song. Uh music and art is very uh is very powerful. Do you perform? Do you perform uh around here?

SPEAKER_00 1:30:01

Uh yes and no. I did a few performances like back in like 2019. Library and not that was my transition from hip-hop to doing full rock, to where now my producer and I like we're going back and forth trying to figure out what does it look like for this. Because when I first was performing, it was mostly just hip-hop style. I got my beats, pretty much had my stuff tracked, got my vocals set, everything ready to go. But now for everything in itself, is that pretty much long story short, is that I'm trying to essentially get everything. I'm doing essentially I want to have my own attire, my own costume, essentially going through build an actual scene and make it an immersive experience. Because that's the one thing that's been kept me from so long doing it, is that obviously there is that fault of perfection, because we will never get to perfection without actually making the flaws that get you there. But same point too is that I am building this to where even now I'm like five masks deep of what I want to have as far as like different styles, different themes. But right now, essentially it's just figuring out like, okay, what does it look like to actually make the setting? Like right now, it's taken me three years just to get proper like merchandise set up. To one, I have everything as far as from when I go to the live shows, exactly how does the call response to you? Do I do like a couple of like business cards here for business? Like, how do I set this out to make it feel one of one and really get someone intrigued on it? Because that is the one good thing, but also the one bad thing is that I overanalyze, but also when I do overanalyze, really cool things happen because I just pick everything apart. But the problem and the double-edged sword on that one is when you overanalyze, you make your own mistakes and get in your own way, and that has been the biggest fault of every artist, I think. So that's one of those things where as far as performing live, we've actually discussed numerous times, okay, well, we have this whole new metal uh hybrid feeling as far as theatrical. When I say new metal, it's definitely more on a hip-hop with the rock element. But so far, every single person in my defenses listened to the music, like, okay, I can see new metal, but this is definitely not new metal, like any classification I've heard. Because we don't, we all use like different timed uh instruments of like what the place was time, what time period it was in, and what instruments was used to there's some times where I'm just completely just not even using hip-hop cadences. I'm just going straight to where it should make sense, but it doesn't. And then if you listen to it the next time, be like, okay, now I'm seeing where this is going. So live, I've been actually trying to actually get this together. We're aiming for hopefully crossfingers, because right now with his sessions, he's really busy too. And that's the one thing you always make sure you take care of producers because if you don't take care of them, then they can't take care of you. So I want to make sure that one, he's ready to go touring again, because I think he toured a couple years back. And me, I just want to make sure my ducks are in a row. Because especially now for independent artists, we're in that weird area of how far do you want to push it live without not fully pushing it on social media 100%? Because it's there's two caveats to that. If you don't promote enough online, then the live shows won't be there. But the live shows won't mean much if you don't promote it vice versa. So especially if you have to go online, you don't do any live shows, it just shows you just doing online things. So it's that weird caveat to where you have to take care of both sides. It's obviously a lot different than it would have been in the 80s and 70s. Yep, yep, for sure. Because you don't gotta worry about like hiring a PR agent or someone in the back end or hire a manager. You are literally your own band manager sometimes of okay, so we got the artwork, we got this stuff, we gotta organize for the video shoot, we got the makeup person, we got everything, and what else? I love that.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:33

Yeah, you're you're 100% on it, man. That's that's everything you're saying. I I have mad respect for the fact that you're you're thinking it all out and being over analytical about it and and whatnot. It's your baby, you're creating something and you're gonna put it out to the world and you care about it, you care about your craft, and it's gonna show, and your fans will will definitely uh appreciate that and they're gonna hold you to that standard. So once you do release it, they're gonna be like, oh wow, and you're gonna stand out from the rest that don't care. And then they they're gonna know that when you put something else out, you're probably either gonna match what you last put out at the standard or likely go above and beyond that because now you know that that worked, and now you have this new new set of skills and new new standards that you're setting for yourselves, and then you just keep climbing up and up and up with with what you're um what you're uh setting as a standard for yourself on on your craft. Um so are do you have a live band you're gonna have, or you're just gonna have like a guitar player with you, you're gonna have a drummer, you're gonna have a full band, or what?

SPEAKER_00 1:34:27

So drummer is I'm gonna hire the drummer, most likely Josh. My producer is gonna be my drummer, and either we're gonna have Josh Holland, yes, sir. Um literally my backing band, my partner in crime per se. Like he what we're gonna do. It's really side by side with him. Like it wouldn't be a lyri zone to what this level is without him, because literally we built everything from the ground up every single time. Like even now with the new song, we had to redo it again because the production we had for the pre-production, it didn't match the vocal. It sounded good for a rock band, but we like, okay, we need to make this the character. So we had a book in our session, let's get this thing rocking. And uh it's one of those things to where either he's good, I'm really wanting him to do guitar, but same point too is that for what we do as far as drums, there's certain things as far as cadence I only know he can do when we're in session. So it's like I need to have him on drums and either I hire a higher gun on guitar, and this is one of the things where it's the kind of caveat that most bands and artists don't think of until the moment happens, is that sure you can bring someone on for free, but how invested are they if they're not a hired gun that's being paid for compensating for their time? But the same point, too, is that if you hire someone for a hired gun, that as far as like taking care of like the guitar work and stuff like that, are they gonna play exactly to the specifications of the part? Are they well practiced? It's a lot of extra stuff that when I had the band aspect, it's become more like people in the kitchen. And I realized that there is responsibilities to come with the band, and I always want to enjoy that, but I just haven't had that opportunity to essentially find those people just yet. And obviously, what happened later on, if it happens, it happens. And what goes to that point, but so far, dynamic has worked where it's just me and him. So so far, that's been the game plan is when we're ready to go, we're ready to go.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:09

I love that. Yeah, I as someone that's been in the game for many, many years, I'm talking like I started playing I started playing live music in the 2000s, but actually being in a band, uh late 90s, early 2000s, it is frustrating getting those people like and you just you you nailed it when you said that yeah, how har how easy is it to get it? Because even when a person is writing music in the band, it's hard to get them inspired, motivated, or driven or to care enough as much as you do. It seems like, you know, with with band members, you have different levels of people that you know how much they care. Some people care a lot. There's those ones that don't care really very much, there's those people that are just kind of eh, I'm just here. And you gotta what I've learned to do is that you have to find what they're best at and what what drives those people and what where their passions really are and utilize those to do the jobs in the band. So, like for me, for example, I know most of the guys don't like to do the social media stuff, so I know I have to handle that. But when it comes to things like building stuff and the crafty stuff, I know I have a couple of guys that are really good about that. So I just let them do like, and they love doing that, so I let them handle that. I might throw an idea at them of what I'm looking for and then let them, you know, go from there and figure it out. Then we have a media guy and whatnot. So, and unfortunately, I've with my bands, I've had lots of different band member changes, and a lot of it has to do with personalities and drive and dedication and all that stuff. Um, but yeah, it's it's good and smart that you're creating your music right now with the producer. That way, if things don't work out with any whether they become band members or they become hired guns or whatever, you're gonna keep the name, you're gonna keep the the music. If they get royalties off the music, that's fine. Whatever you you figure that out with them. But at the end of the day, LyraZone is yours. You're gonna move forward with new band members if you need to do that, or if you choose to do it solo by yourself. The songs are yours and you don't have to start from scratch. I think one of the most frustrating things as a musician when I went before I started my band was that I would go start, I would go start bands with people, and then we come up with the name, we come up with the music, we come up with all this, and then later on, a month later or six months later or a year later, it falls apart for X, Y, Z reasons, and then you have to start from scratch again. And that shit is so discouraging. It's like, how many times are we gonna do this? So you're doing it smart by uh you being the founding member and you just working with your producer. And Josh was a guest on this uh podcast. If you go back, I believe it was episode four, three or four. I've had a few now, a few shows now, so it's like they're starting to stack up. But it's just it's entertaining and and so motivating to hear him speak because I can tell he's passionate about what he does, and he's a very talented uh producer. So shout out to Josh for that. Absolutely. So uh, do you have an album's worth of material right now that you're working with?

SPEAKER_00 1:38:50

So essentially we are, believe it or not, we're getting our first actually. I'm breaking it off where I've just done singles for the longest time and then essentially built it up to do like EPs, do a massive one, do a couple like extra songs that haven't been released, and then do it that way. There's been so much variety of what is, I guess, promoted these days as far as what we send out for artists and what we send out as just musicians of the self. Do we just send it as singles? Do we build it up as a four-track EP and then push it out that way? Like, what is the longevity for albums? And slowly but surely we've had either I had listeners that had the attention spans where like they just want to have songs every single week, to ones where slowly but surely now I'm hearing folks are actually one that had the album mentality, they'd rather wait now because people are being so overstimulated for how much content had to be pushed so much at so fast, frequent time that no one really is retaining enough of it. So folks are like saying, Oh, well, I'd rather wait like two or three releases that are major or three album or two albums a year that are just kick ass to having songs every single like month. Because I've had where I've had conversations with Josh where we're going through back and forth of kind of like what it looks like for the goal. And I was telling him the goal always ends in a different way because I never look at it where I need to get this magazine feature because I already had that. I don't need to get this radio thing because I've already had that. Like it's one of those things to where you just keep on changing the goalpost and keep on moving it. And I know it's very, very generic to say, but I have truly enjoyed the journey enough to where anything happens, happens at this point. To where if I release an album, put it all together and we're good to go, solid. If we decide to just do what we're doing now, to where one, I just keep on writing material of like historical elements and times I really enjoyed and it just got me in the moment. If I watched like Troy or something, that's like, I want to make a song about this type of time period. It's one of those things where I just don't feel pigeonholed to one, feel like I need to over-push, just to over push. Because one thing that I think a lot of people actually agree to is that Rembrandt's was essentially an amazing artist, but he did not have any wealth when he passed away. And when he passed, his paintings are like billions of dollars now. So if we're gonna just push out art art self to feel validated for in the moment, then me personally, I've already lost that battle because one, I don't like the idea of releasing music just to release it to throw to someone for background noise. I would rather me have something going, take my time with it, put a per put a little bit my personality into it. Like essentially when I'm reading like 48 Laws of Power by Alan Green, like stuff like that, and like implementing books like that in some of the songs. Even with the 23 Knives, Julius Caesar one, like I had to do history pieces on that one. I had to figure out like okay, personality-wise, what have I felt in my lifetime as far as betrayal have I felt, eagerness, ego, like what personality traits could fit into that? And that song itself took me six months. And by all stakes of the category, I lost that opportunity to push that for six months because people were just wanting five to six songs at a time. And I think that's kind of that caveat to where whatever you're comfortable releasing at whatever time period you are, just do it. Because I I think folks in the end are gravitate toward authentic uh authentic uh authenticity. Look at me, I can't even talk like a record well. Uh they gravitate toward you actually being genuinely yourself and showing the cracks in the armor, showing exactly who you are and what you're not afraid to expose rather than just shuffling nonsensical things 24-7 for simple appeasement. And I think right now it's getting close to where artists are actually gonna start one, just getting tired of social media game with posting every single day. They're gonna post like maybe once every two weeks, but when they do, they're gonna either like me posting about this right now, having a good conversation with you, what I pulled out of it, my experiences, and that's gonna, in the end, the audience is gravitate more toward that for long term because it's not fast food. It's one of those things where you have to come through and digest it in a manner to where one, it feels better for one, you exposing who you are as a person, but also it doesn't feel like you can get that anywhere else at any time. Like even conversations as far as bringing up like the school stuff, like most of my issues when I was younger of learning this whole thing is one I didn't have anybody to really reflect off of. And it goes back to where we're talking about earlier as far as like the substance abuse type stuff, like that was a heavy thing in my household to where we had to figure out, okay, we we had a lot of alcoholism alcoholism in the family. Do I rely on that for my craft? Do I just rely on myself to get better and just like not lean into that side that's been affecting my family for decades? Or do I essentially find a way to break that loop by one, hitting the uncomfortable side that most people don't want to dabble into? They don't want to dabble into their insecurities. They don't want to dabble into what made them act that certain way that they have this trigger that affected them when they were like 16 years old, at 30 plus years old, they're still dealing with. It's all about accountability, in my perspective. Yeah. No, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:13

Dude, you have a really good head on your shoulders, and I like that you're that you're um sounds like you just kind of roll with it, and you're like you said, you're talking about authenticity, and that is huge on people. Like that that's one thing I've I've had to um I've had to learn like what's okay to post and what is like over polished. For me, for me, I love to see things that are nice and shiny, well put together and you know so well crafted, but it's like you go look at some of these videos that go viral and these artists that people are really loving and digging and supporting, and it's like literally someone just on their phone just singing, like walking down the street or in their car or whatever, and it like gets thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of views, and people are just loving it, and it's because it's people can relate to that, people can see themselves in there and they can see like, okay, I'm seeing the beginning of something great here. I'm gonna start, I'm gonna support something and get to watch it grow into something even bigger than it is. And and you, I think you're you're 100% correct. You gotta you gotta kind of know, you gotta kind of see what your audience wants, right? Uh some people they're gonna get tired if you keep releasing, you know, weekly. They're gonna be like, well, this this it's kind of like playing shows. If you play a show at the same area constantly, people are eventually gonna stop showing up and be like, well, I can catch them next week, or I can catch him next month. Um, or I've seen that show, you know, that kind of stuff. I think there's no right, right or wrong way for people to release music. Um you gotta just kind of figure out like what does your audience like? What does your br what should your brand be putting out? I know for me personally, I uh we released a full-length album, uh, the last album that we did, and I felt like afterwards I'm like, well, it was great getting that third album that finally out. We did release a lot of singles along the way, but they have all these other great songs that really didn't get to shine because we didn't put the spotlight on them. And I like to, like when we when we put out singles, I like to put out each song and give it like a month or two of promotion, do a video, do all the social media postings, pitch it to playlists, do all this stuff and just put the shiny, bright light right on that lot on that song and just keep shoving it in people's faces so that it gets stuck in their heads and whatnot. And then two months later, here's another song with another video and blah blah blah. But putting out an album, I feel like uh we did an injustice for a lot of the great songs that never really got to get that video and get that push and all that on that album. So I've changed my perspective of how I want to release music, which we're working on a fourth album, but I'm I'm doing now singles like here and there, here and there, and just trying to push it that way. But you do see the artists that push out singles like um once a month, and that goes great, like or every every couple of weeks. So there's not I don't think there's a right or wrong way. I think everyone right now is just trying to figure out what what works for them, and that's smart because just because it one thing works for one artist doesn't mean it's gonna work for another artist, or just because it works for, you know, if I see corn doing this certain thing and I'm gonna I'm gonna try to jump on that bandwagon. No, it's very unlikely it's gonna happen for me because they have a way bigger loyal audience and then they have their ways of how they do things. So you uh you're you're planning on doing are you gonna do some touring when you start playing a lot of it?

SPEAKER_00 1:47:13

I like to, yes. Uh my goal of actually I've actually had fans reach out as far as they do a gathering juggalo type. So I've like, I can do gathering, but I was like, okay, just let you know this is not a horrorcore genre like anymore as far as my appearance. This could be more rock, and they still do it. So it goes back to what do you value in me? I just enjoyed valuing my people that essentially started from the very beginning. I've had folks who's still with me from the brand changeover and the genre change. And at that point, too, is that obviously there was something that made them stay. So at the same point too, it's just that genuine, okay, it's this is what I'm doing. I don't know if you gotta like it, but here is where I'm at, and this is where my my feeling is. Like I already told the street team 24-7, hey, we might have weeks where I have tons of content every single time you turn your head, it's almost like overbearing of how much is coming out this one time. But it's also there's times where we'll have artistic things where there's gonna be a hiatus because either I'm in my head a little bit and I have to do some like deep reflection of okay, so what am I feeling? How do I diagnose it? Instead of the same calling back calling back of like, okay, well, I'll fix it by just ignoring it and it'll just work itself out. No. Do you know how oh go ahead. No. As far as like that's kind of my main thing is that for the longest time, that's been my main thing now, just confronting it and dealing with it. Because that's been most of my hiatus as far as music itself and it's self-induced because I just didn't either want to take care of it, or I just fell back to old habits to end up like, okay, you could have fixed this months ago by just taking a 10-minute conversation and just dumping and just being done. So do you have uh so do you have uh music videos that you've put out? Believe it or not, yes, they're mostly all for anime lyric videos, but but right now I actually have my first actually hugely investing music video. This goes back to kind of like it, it's one of those things where at the end it was a more of a case study of figuring out, okay, so how exactly do I want to put uh pitch this? So I have I had to hire my first VFX artist, I had to do a full like go to actual film studio, get the whole green screen drop effect, get the whole props. Um I actually have on the LyraZone YouTube channel, I actually have a behind the scenes of how the cover art was done. This goes back to like when you're ever just getting your phone out, record, just record it. Because one, I record for the moments. I don't really record for the glossiness. Goes back to I do have some like I try to make sure it's good in frame, but also same point too is that I also have my phone with me so I can catch some bloopers, some fun moments, because this is as much for others as if for myself. So at the end, I want to one remember the moments that okay, this was new for me. And so it's like the first time I hired a makeup person just to like run these like veins out of my mask and made my eyes like squirt this black liquid ooze, which was extremely cold. But essentially, it was one of those things to where I'm like, it was my first actual video, and I've had millions of videos. Videos, millions of lyric videos, animations, all this stuff. But it was the first video to where I was actually in character and really, really setting the mood. And we essentially did a crystal ball animation to where the character was reading the crystal ball. Long story short, I'm not trying to ruin the song for anybody. So listen just yet. Song's called Make You Mine. The character I heard that song earlier.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:22

I didn't see the video, but it's one of the songs I heard on Spotify.

SPEAKER_00 1:50:24

Thank you. But yeah, essentially he feels completely beaten down and heartbroken by this woman that he loved, found she was smitten by another person and enticed. And he just said, you know what? I'm gonna just wipe out every single timeline because it first went from almost reading the personality of the character of denial, acceptance, regret. And I tried in every single part of the song to have some sort of human element, one to make it more human. Because it goes back to what you were saying before is that as artists, it's cool to have a song sometimes where it just tells you, okay, this is a party song. But I gravitate toward the songs that I don't really know what I'm feeling at that time because at every time I put it on, it would feel a little different. And one song you'll feel when you're listening to it, though it's got this a really, really moody song. And then you listen to it, you're like, oh man, the lyrics are actually really, really deep about this one part. And I think as artists, if we leave our songs open to interpretation, let folks just accept it. Our main goal in YCR is just be like the main one. But my personal one is that I just put down what I'm feeling, articulate as best I can for a human perspective, and let it go. Because then whoever receives it and how their interpretation of it, it always relies on their journey and where they're at. They might read it a certain way, and who am I to tell them how they feel? So exactly.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:40

Yeah, I I I love that. And I think something that you said that just really stuck out to me was that you said how you love the journey of it. It's not necessarily the goalposts you're yeah, you're reaching for that, you're reaching for the goals, but it's the journey that you enjoy. And I absolutely love that. That part. I I I always talk about that too myself, where I think a lot of us sometimes are it's really easy for people to get so caught up with, well, I need to get to X amount of views, or I need to get to X amount of shows, or I want to play that festival, or whatever that the case may be, you know, that they get so caught up in getting there that they just don't take a moment to stop and appreciate those moments there. The real fun to me is getting there, going into the studio, getting creative, the recording, the practices, the drive to the show, what you know you're gonna be playing, if you're gonna be playing a big festival or or a show opening for a national act or whatnot. Yeah, it's great when you get up on that stage and you're playing and that's what we all live for, but I think people don't appreciate the journey as much because they're just so caught up in like, all right, what's next? What's next? And it's like they're it's it's great to have that drive, but it's even more rewarding when you take a moment to start step back and be like, you know what, look where I'm at right now, look where I was 10 years ago or five years ago when I was first starting a music. Like you you think and reflect back on, you know, how it was just maybe an idea and then where you've gotten to, and it's a journey, and you you you find that a lot of the times what you remember mostly is those ups and downs that you had versus the actual moment, if that makes sense. So like you could be playing a festival that you really wanted to play, but what did it take to get there? You know, and it's those moments of what you did, the process, and the people that you were around that really is what matters and what you s you tend to remember years and years later. Uh would you say you agree with that?

SPEAKER_00 1:53:28

Or I would say yes. Especially for I that's a really good way to put it, especially for when we look at things kind of like at like we're painting per se, and you get a little more metaphorical here. You're essentially painting and seeing small dots, but you take a step back and you see every single thing that made that picture. And for right now, for most of us, we don't we get so stuck on kind of like the moment of getting here, getting at point A to point B, but we don't really understand, okay, so dude, you were just seven to ten years ago, you weren't even thinking about this project. You weren't even thinking about this point. Like you came so far, and that also helps when you're in your head thinking that you're not worthy of it. Because when you found a way to still make it happen, you were essentially still fighting every single day to get to that point. And especially for myself, I give myself constant smacks in the face with being humble of like, okay, I need to get to this point. I need to get this this uh this main goal by the end of the year, I'm looking forward to it. But then when you watch those recaps or you do like kind of like a recap of your whole year, you're like, wow, I did a lot of stuff that sort of build to that. So it's it's one of those things if you need to stop and smell the flowers every once in a while, because most of us, when we're so stuck on doing, when we don't really obviously some things happen, things fall down, we're like, oh man, I didn't not get that. Oh I didn't get that show, or this person as far as far as a higher gun didn't show up and everything got completely knocked sideways. But you didn't remember, oh well, I I met my brand new graphic designer during that time. I I actually met a new venue person who wanted to have my show there. I met some new vendors that wanted to essentially like sponsor my stuff. Like it's one of those things that we get so stuck on this one thing. We don't look at the other things that caused it to actually like domino over and all the people that we affected in our lives that came to our lives. So I try to find a way to, even when I get kind of pitch and hold on the goal, I also try to stop and admire the things that are going on around me. That way, one, it makes it feels more like a more fulfilled journey because you're experiencing all of it and not just tunnel vision of I need to just get this one thing done. Like last year, like when I was doing essentially marketing for different stuff, I was like, okay, let's go ahead and see what we can do as far as getting custom teas, custom hot sauces and stuff like that. And a lot of these companies, they're doing good, but some of them had to actually like step away for a little bit. But those are relationships to where I didn't know anything about the business besides just having like a brand logo and an artist name. And they were helping me get the LLC, LLC information knocked out, the trademarking stuff. Like it's one of those things to where sure it would it started off as just doing a marketing thing, but it became a lot more network worthy. So you never really know what you're gonna experience until you just actually step back, like you said, and just absorb what's going on around you.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:13

One 100%. And then you you you learn to appreciate everything a lot more once you do that. One thing you mentioned uh uh earlier that I just wanted to uh go back on it's you had mentioned something about was it alcohol related issues alcoholism. Is that something that you personally experience within yourself or family members or okay?

SPEAKER_00 1:56:33

Of course. Um yeah, it's it's pretty much it's been my father's family and father's side for a very long time. Um and it's probably in a lot of mom's side too. But it's one of those things to where my father's father had it, my father's my grandfather had it, my dad had the issue, and when I was younger, I had issues with it as well. And it's going back to we all had our own things, and it kind of where his father essentially passed away at an early age, like then essentially when my dad passed at an early age as well. So I'm like sitting here like, okay, so it's been a domino effect of okay, so it'd be easy to just go to a bottle and just say, Okay, you know what, fuck it, we're done, and just completely numb the shit out and the whole experience of life. But at the same point, too, is that I had the issues with it, and then I realized everything that you're dealing with is self-inflicted because yes, it's everything's been kind of like a little messed up, and it's so easy to pick the bottle up and just try to find some like kinship inside of it, like going back to kind of like it's a dark, unfortunate like fact. If you're an only child and alcoholism is kind of like your bonding sibling, it's that really fucked up feeling that okay, well, I don't have anybody else but this, so it's gonna help somehow in some way because it can't talk back to me. But it's one of those things to where as I was pretty much growing older, I realized that, dude, it's it's not a like healthy dependency, it's a dependent variable of okay, so I am putting negative connotations already on a situation, a product that doesn't sorry, a depressant. So why are we even doing this besides just loathing and hating ourselves and just dealing with that unchecked emotion? And before I knew it, I was like, dude, I'm stuck in the same cycle my family's been in for generations. Why? Yeah. And it's one of those things, like, dude, do you really want to get better, or are you just making a story up and saying you want to get better, but not actually making the movement? So I had to essentially go sober, and that was very difficult. And it's one of those things to where even now I'm like, even socially, I'm like, I won't even try to. And it'll be like, okay, should you get a drink? Well, nah, maybe. And then after like a couple apple sour, um, apple sours, I'm like, mm, whiskey sours are really nice. I like this, and then I'm like, mm-hmm, get a taste again. And then I immediately kill it. I'm like, nope, that's that's as soon as I get that taste back, I'm like, dude, no, this is this is the bad step. And I always tell folks, I'm like, it's that weird thing of social, like it's a social thing and a social gathering type thing where folks like they relate alcohol to essentially getting together, having friends, and just being together. And sometimes that is the way to go about it, but I have been essentially isolating myself from it, one, because it's a controlled variable that I'm not wanting in my life anymore, but also it's one of those things where I don't really need it. And I rather just be in someone's company, talking to them one-on-one. Obviously, sometimes the alcohol does help a little bit, but it's also one of those things where I have been trying to like shut it from my life. One for just betterment of being more fulfilled, but also more clear-minded. I love that, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:59:35

That that uh you have like I said, you have a great head on your shoulders, and I love how you said all of that. I can 100% relate to you on that uh as being an alcoholic myself. So my my grandpa uh died of alcoholism, my dad died of alcoholism, which is you know, his son, obviously. And then it fell on me pretty much where I was going down a really bad path of partying and and whatnot. And I just had to basically say, all right, I don't want my legacy to be this. I don't want to follow that generation, I don't want to continue burning bridges, everything that I, you know, that I've built and that I've I've have around me. I'm I'm worth more than this. And I want my legacy to be something much more than just the generational, well, he died of alcoholism and what a piece of work he was. I just not it's not for me. So I don't touch it at all anywhere anymore myself. I occasionally will drink the uh non-alcoholic beers here once in a blue moon. But like at first it was very hard. Like you said, it's it's one of those things that makes being social easier and relearning to be social after you've done a lot of partying, and that's always the number one thing of like, where are we gonna have drinks? You go to a concert, where are we gonna have drinks? Where are we gonna have drinks before we go to the game? Everything was literally drinks, drinks, drinks, and you find out how much drinking is in other people's lives, and you're like, what the fuck? Like, I wasted so much time doing that. Like, why? And now I have all this time on my hands. Well, technically I don't have all this time on my hands. I did have all this time on my hands when I got sober, but I was like, all right, I'm gonna fill that with positive things to make to you know make up for all these lost years of me wasting it, drinking and partying and just not doing anything with myself. And so that's one of the reasons why this podcast got started. Another reason why my band, you know, I took it to another level of of uh commitment for me. And I'm I'm working two jobs and I'm I'm keeping busy with any projects at the house or anything like that. So I keep myself I keep myself very busy for that main reason is that like it's like life is great. What the hell am I drinking for? Why am I adding a depressant to my life? Why am I burning bridges? I don't appreciate the things I have. So mad props to you, dude, for recognizing that and and fighting it and not letting it be what you're remembered for, you know, like and you're you're turning it into something positive. You're keeping busy with your music. I love that. That's um I I can sense the passion in your voice, I can hear it, and I love that you're so that you're so like articulate about everything you're doing and and and you are particular and over analytical. Those are all good traits, and your fans are just gonna dig that even more when you when you start putting out any new material because they know they're like, all right, I'm gonna get quality because I know that he he puts a lot of thought into what he's doing and and what have you. So mad props to you for that.

SPEAKER_00 2:02:06

I appreciate it, brother. Yeah, it's just one of those things to where like going back to your thing as well, like feeding off yours, is that we can only get better if we just have the hard truth conversations, okay, this is is it giving or taking away from my quality of life? And when it comes to socializing, yeah, of course, I probably should have would have a lot more time outside of here comes to music and working, like being a meat cutter and retail. That's my day job outside of doing music. And essentially, right in front of my department, it's just a whole alcohol aisle. And I'm like, mm-hmm. And every single time, like, no judgment to anyone else because I have my issues, not the pot calling the kettle black. Now at six o'clock in the morning, folks who just come in and just you can tell already tell them walk across the counter, you can already tell them they just got done drinking the whole night and they just hit the shelf again. I'm like, dude, like I grew up with that. I identify with that at a subconscious level. But same point too is that every time I look at that person, I think they're gonna get better. They're coming here one day, I'm gonna stop seeing them come in, either hopefully because they gave it up, or the opposite of where they just drank themselves and it was done. And I would like to imagine, and this is kind of like the half glass, half full type thing, and positivity of trying to figure out okay, we can always look at the bad side of things, but I want to imagine that they finally gave up the bottle and they like, you know what, I don't need this anymore to get where I need to go as far as a person. Yeah. And I think most of us when we actually get stuck inside of alcoholism, a lot of it essentially is because we are trying to find something that one makes us more comfortable to essentially if we're having if we just don't like our relationships, if we don't like our life at home, if money's just not good, finances are kind of rocky, and that's the only thing that sort of like gets us out of our head for a little bit. If it's like three or four hours, the buzz wears off, it's still something. But wait until you figure out you don't actually need that like little dopamine buzz, and you actually just articulate what you actually want to do, then the world becomes your oyster man. Because once you realize the capability, like obviously you with the band stuff, like you realize that you want to perform, you want to really, really get a good sounding band, you want to actually get your life. And I think when folks actually just sit back and realize what they really want, the alcohol is it's mostly a social thing, it will never be a dependent.

SPEAKER_02 2:04:19

Yeah, definitely. Was uh I always get this question asked of me, so I'll just ask you uh, was there one specific moment um or something that happened that all of a sudden made you say, like, all right, I'm done with this. I don't want to do this anymore. Um, was there anything that like triggered that or made it happen? Or did you just kind of wake up one day and you're like, I'm done with this?

SPEAKER_00 2:04:39

So yes and no. The main one I can remember, especially for just me being kind of like stuck in that area. The one was the first one was essentially doing like being crossfaded and smoking and drinking. And I realized I was having an issue when it's it's gonna I'm gonna laugh at it now, but I wasn't laughing then. I actually came home from a party with two different pairs of shoes on. And I was and I didn't know until work that morning, and I thought they were work shoes, and I went right to work with the clothes I had on because obviously being a function alcoholic, you could just go ahead and be fine. Yeah, and I got so lost in a tunnel vision that I went to work with two different shoes on and didn't realize till I was buzzed in. I'm like, dude, I'm going home for the day because I don't want to lose my job. And essentially I just got better and I had essentially had to figure out, okay, so one, I had to walk to work, look as stupid as that. And also, it's one of those things to where I had to realize at a very, very early time that if you want to be stupid, you're gonna win stupid prizes. And that was one of the main ones of just feeling idiotic to like how far had fallen to essentially be in that condition. And then it went to like dad passing from lung cancer, and then going through the whole thing as far as like the alcoholism. The last three to four months of him living, we just talked about when he wasn't there and we were kind of like separated for a little bit as far as mentally. And he was just essentially breaking down on me, saying, I never meant for this to happen. I just essentially got so lost in my own stuff and my own issues, and we just had a like heart to heart. And when it was all said and done, like he did I pretty much apologize for alcoholism, but he just wanted me to know where he was at. I'm like, Dad, like we're good. At the end of the day, as long as I got your perspective and you explained why, then we're good. It's one of those things to where do you feel obviously you understand now what happens? I'm gonna let you just expunge what's going on in your head and just be true to you. And by the I said, I'm not here to judge anybody, I have my own shit I've got to take care of too. Like, I have my own faults, and it's one of those things to where that was kind of my coming to like moment of figuring out, okay, so is this thing actually causing me to be stupid? And surely enough, it was to where I wasn't socially drinking anymore. I wasn't doing it for creativity, I wasn't even doing it just to essentially just fill that void. I was literally just doing it because it was a secondhand nature and muscle memory. And that was one of the things to where I was like, nope, we're killing this shit, we're done.

SPEAKER_02 2:07:08

So did you what like did you have certain things you had to do or avoid? Because sometimes people have to go to you know AA or they can't be around people that are drinking. Or do you have any of that or what what what what worked for you?

SPEAKER_00 2:07:19

I actually had to, and that was a weird time. I was actually working retail all the way through high school. I actually had to stop working retail for a bit, specifically because I would be tempted to get a like an actual like can of beer before I left. And I had to do odd jobs that essentially removed alcohol from any proximity. And I never had any issues as far as like losing licenses, but I was like, I don't want to tempt myself doing that because I know that to human to err is human, and I know that if I put myself in temptation's way, that it would actually happen. I mean, the human will is always so strong, and if we're not mentally preparing ourselves and or like making sure we're checking ourselves, then we're just setting ourselves up for failure. Yeah. So at that point, I just constantly figured out, okay, you know what, let's just go ahead and do like I was helping out with junkyards a couple times, and that was actually a pretty interesting gig. But just and I didn't get back to retail what in like 2015 and got back into me cutting, and it was just like secondhand nature. But dude, when I tell you to transition me coming back from me being sober minded and collected, dude, it was like a totally different, complete game to where it wasn't muscle memory coming in, completely alcohol, like driven, just working cognitively, being fine, to where I'm actually engaging customers more because I know I wasn't doing it before, and engaging more, getting personality back, like being that person that I need to be. It's it's unfortunate it took that situation for it to actually like finally click. But dude, I would say right now I'm so much better for it. So even though it's that like shameful moment in my life that man, that's that was a really like really bad moment. It's I just going back to the journey. I appreciate the journey that got me here. And the answer.

SPEAKER_02 2:09:04

Yeah, 100%. I I always say it sucks, yeah, that you had to we have to go through those moments, but like when people ask me if I have any regrets or I wish I would have stopped sooner or anything like that, I'm like, no, because it I wouldn't be here where I am today. I'm here today because of those moments, because of that experience, and because of those bad experiences, I can appreciate the good moments now. I love life now. Dude, I I'll be walk, I'll be driving down, like I'll be driving down the road, roll down the window. I don't care if it's it's a cold morning or whatnot, and just seeing the sunset, I'm like, it and I know it sounds weird, but I'll be driving down and just go for a drive. And I just love looking at the sunset, feeling the cold air hitting my face, and I'm like, I would never do this if I was if I was hungover. I'd be at home, I would be hating life, I'd be questioning what happened the night before, who did I piss off, what friendships did I personally or uh probably burn, bridges you burn and all that. Um but now it's like no, I'm I'm taking a drive, it's early in the morning, I get up and I work out, I go for a drive and and and you know I'm just enjoying the the being up early and having another day of life and not having that regret and not having any of those guilty feelings and none of that, none of that crap at all. And that's all stuff that I think people take for granted forever because we get numb to everyday life and eventually when you start drinking, I feel like people um a lot of people I feel have a drinking problem, they just don't realize it. And I always say this that having a drinking problem doesn't necessarily mean that you're getting arrested or getting in domestic fights or getting fired from your job. A drinking problem can literally just be you building having a habit where your body needs it. If your body needs it, if you can't quit and just actually quit, like you and you're you've uh got a dependency in it, it's a lot easier to say, yeah, I can quit, and then you stop for a couple of days and then you're back on the next day, you're drinking three IPAs, four IPAs, whatever. It's a lot easier for someone to say, I can quit whenever I want. I don't have a problem. But to actually apply not drinking and all that, and when when you actually try to do it, it's a lot harder. It's a lot harder than people can imagine. So I always applaud anyone that actually takes the steps to do it and and can stick with it. And you know, I've I've got some friends that have fallen off the wagon occasionally, but they get right back on, and I always encourage them, I'm like, hey, you were able to make it X amount of days or X amount of months or X amount of years. Don't look at this as a reason to continue to go down that path. Look at it as, all right, well, now I know that I'm I'm I'm once you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic forever. Like, and it's it's one of those things like just because you're an alcoholic doesn't mean that you have to continue the pattern. It just means that you probably shouldn't have a drink and you just keep pushing forward and take it one day at a time. And if you've done it before in the past freaking quit, you can do it again. And luckily I'm I'm on almost uh this year it'll be three years in September. Congratulations, Silver. I haven't fallen off thank you, I haven't fallen off the wagon, but I always remind myself that hey, that demon is still inside of me and um I gotta be careful with that because there's been a a a few close calls where I'm just like, oh, it sounds tempting, but it's like, nope, it's not worth it. You gotta stop and think about what you have and what you could lose. And I I guarantee you that the um that the bad things will outweigh any if if you can find any benefits of it. I I don't see any benefits anymore when people ask me about that.

SPEAKER_00 2:12:21

That's the fun that's the interesting thing to go back to like your essentially opening as far as the look at the sun and feeling the breeze. Is that isn't that kind of a correlated kind of like feeling that it's really interesting for humans in itself to where we use alcoholism and alcohol itself when we go to it to essentially figure out a route to being happy. And then when we actually stop doing it and we actually just shut up and enjoy and just like pretty much enjoy the scenery. Don't focus on doing and just sit and be collected and self-actualize that we then start actually receiving everything we're already going for something else. Like we're trying to get happiness through a bottle. We're trying to figure out I need a little bit of quietness because the world's so loud right now. But if we actually just sit back and let the world do its thing like it's actually its own form of alcoholism to where you can essentially enjoy life. That's where people say constantly being high on life with stuff like that to where essentially you are literally just letting life do its thing. And that's kind of like where my perspective too as well is like even when I'm feeling like there's days where man like I can really use one. And you start getting that little taste in the back of your throat like man like I can still I can still remember it like it was like yesterday. And the issue is that when that happens I'm like okay so what can I do to get myself out of the rut? Like if it be driving find somewhere I haven't been to go take a take a drive to the last blockbuster over in Bend Oregon. Do something to essentially one not just mentally like put a band-aid over it because we're essentially trying to attract and go back to the familiar feeling of you being euphoric and having that very happy feeling and we're even with a band-aid fix of drinking it's causing more damage to where we're literally nine times out of 10 we're just trying to figure out that we're recouping that feeling that we were had when we had the alcohol in our bodies. We're just trying to figure out in diagnose, okay well I was not feeling that shitty when I had this my system maybe that would help me work it again. No it's most likely a diagnosed issue of just hey let's just take a little time to work on us. Let's do some R and R. Let's essentially figure out why did we like vent out in act two obliviously like raged out last week. Was something really bothering us? We holding it down yada yada and I think that is most of alcoholism in the the precipice is that it's a battle that if you're not willing to fight it like head on and just like cover up a major issue with alcohol, it's essentially going to make things worse for you because in the end you're not going to find any answer in that bottle. I don't care where you find it and what kind it is you might find an answer to more trouble. Yeah exactly because you don't going back to the thing same thing is that you don't know the damage that you're caused when you're having that like they always say the saying is a drunk man's thoughts is honest man's words. I don't believe that because I have had numerous times where I'm like out acting outlandish and I'm like dude that is literally not the personality of who I am as a person. Well you said it I'm like well you know what that person needs to go and just die somewhere.

SPEAKER_02 2:15:27

Yeah it's a demon it's an inner demon that uh the alcohol's taken over and I I agree with you I don't I I I don't agree with uh when people say that because I've had myself and I've had friends that I personally really know come completely convert to someone else that they are not when they've been in a blacked out state and it's scary. It's it's it's like what? Like that person that that's not that person is not the person that they were being last night.

SPEAKER_00 2:15:51

So it's almost like that it's almost like your brain and alcoholism is like self-preservation to it a body just shuts down to the only function it knows to stay alive. And at that same point we're like oh man he was he was being a real dick mic yeah because his brain was probably functioning on less remaining cells that it takes to actually be awake and it's just trying to figure out how to just go to bed and you're like just still drinking three o'clock in the morning with your friends at a bar having no intention of going home anytime soon. Like your brain is literally shutting down as we speak. Yeah. It's one of those conversations where it's like how far are you willing to essentially just let your body live on cruel than just taking accountability and just letting life work its course.

SPEAKER_02 2:16:30

100% did you ever dabble out around with any drugs when you were partying or anything like that? No.

SPEAKER_00 2:16:36

That was good for you besides LSD LSD and acid but those were horrible trips I never did it again. Damn so what uh what was that like I've never done LSD or acid but what were those like uh more microdosing it's mostly it's depends on the person I will say for mine I've been blessed to actually have people around me that kept me grounded and essentially were with me to ground me and I've also had bad bad trips with folks that essentially when I had my last acid trip that was back in South Carolina I had a horrible one to where I thought I was with friends and family and they were not because essentially I was wake up by myself and I had a horrible crash to where I essentially just unleashed an inner part of myself I was literally crying in the corner for two weeks straight. And it was two weeks straight yeah dude I wouldn't leave the house I wouldn't leave the house at all I was pretty much staying with the parents and I just locked myself room and they were putting food outside the door I wouldn't touch it. I was just sitting in my room and I went out got some water just enough nutrients not to die. And so how did that I mean how did it last so does it last that long in your body or you can't be a little bit more essentially I was going back and forth because I was having horrible withdrawals and so I was actually having people the same people that were fucking me up and not taking care of me and just not my best interest because I was still paying them they would just go to my window and drop it off in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_03 2:17:58

Jeez.

SPEAKER_00 2:17:58

So it was yeah and then it became where even with like ass itself there's most like microdosing for like the little wire tabs just put a little bit in the water shake up a little bit that was a interesting part I used it for creativity only. Disclaimer and it's one of those things where it got a little too much out of hand because it became instead of a creative thing once in a while to kind of like open the brain a little bit wider um it became an issue of okay am I using for creativity or just self-indulgence and it I could pretty much say they say now that essentially it could cause brain damage for a certain amount of time taking too much and opening way too manages in your brain. Can't speak on that yet but I could say perspective wise so far I feel like I'm a little bit more light minded and better rounded but now pretty much I am as straight edged as I could which has been also like it goes back to kind of like that stuff where the reason why I haven't had that touch of stuff is that I'm no longer in South Carolina. I'm over here in Washington and a lot of that stuff like alcohol itself I had to essentially separate from my friends and family like I had to leave the East Coast where a lot of my family family's at I had to leave New York and New Jersey everywhere that my major dad side like a lot of the stuff I had to like separate from because one I was becoming a creature of habit. I was picking up habits to where I knew I would eventually if I kept on fucking around essentially I would find out. And I realized that self-preservation too unfortunately I had to take that cut and move out here. I had to move mom back but I have no intention going back because I just don't want to relive that part of my life that I essentially cleared myself from and I think at this point it'd be kind of a disservice for how strong I've been putting up the front as far as like one getting my life together got married out of here like essentially living the life I didn't think I would have back home. I didn't think I would have a music career of doing this. I didn't think I would have a wife that loves me. I don't think I would have a house that and I love it have animals with me and have the the household where you get to make music, come home to a family and do that type of dynamic. With that other lifestyle I definitely would not have this so it's one of those things where I'm just happy that I just let that shit go and it goes back to like even with alcohol I just won't get near it anymore because I don't want to risk the happiness I have now just for that stupid fucking five minutes of like this feels good. The three to four hours of euphoric feeling of you're on top of the world just to have it all crumble up in front of you. Like it's not worth it to me.

SPEAKER_02 2:20:42

No I I don't know you like we've never met or anything we just like this is our first time talking just so the listeners out there can hear and I'm happy for you, dude. Like that hearing that and hearing you say that and hearing your journey and hearing your story inspires me and it makes me happy to hear that you have found peace and you have found love and you have found happiness where you're at and why yeah you're right. Why the fuck go back to a place where the darkness was and where it could potentially risk everything you've worked your ass off for. So I'm gonna give you a fucking round of applause and thank you brother and a a bro fucking a bro fist cyber bro cyber bro fist letting you know that I'm proud of you even though I don't know you I'm very proud of you and it that like it just it right now when you just said that it inspired me because that makes me like I I feel I feel like I can really relate to you because I'm kind of in that same state right now where where you're at like where I have my dogs I have my girlfriend I have everything I love right now and I have my music I may not be rich and all that crap but none of that stuff matters at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 2:21:38

What matters is all about perspective you're rich.

SPEAKER_02 2:21:43

It's all perspective exactly it's it's about where you're at where where your peace is where your comfort is where your happiness is where your love is that's what matters and that's what makes you that's what makes you successful. That's what makes you rich that's what makes you you know brings brings love and happiness. So I love that for you man and keep keep up the good work with all of that. We're a little bit over an hour here but it's been an awesome conversation. Is there anything else that you want to share with the audience?

SPEAKER_00 2:22:05

Yeah as far as the music itself just like I said fine lyrics and wherever but let's focus on the main closing of this one. If you are having an issue right now as far as one, you feel like it's time to give alcoholism and get the bottle up or you have any substance that you're just ready to be done with and you feel like tomorrow you just work on it tomorrow and you could end tomorrow don't like the easiest way to quit is start now because tomorrow you're probably not guaranteed you might not be guaranteed tomorrow and the battle tomorrow is gonna be way a lot harder than it is right now, believe it or not. If you try to if you think you're gonna quit tomorrow it's gonna be twice as hard. So you're only as strong as the will to realize you know what I want to change now. I want to get this shit over with and one you don't you are thinking oh this is gonna be a really really good part of my life dude things are so much better when you take the fucking like put your hands on the wheel and start actually driving the car again. Stop being the little driver stop being the passenger and letting like alcoholism drive you around and just show you cool places. Just take the car for a drive on your own time.

SPEAKER_02 2:23:10

I love that dude thank you so much for saying that I know that the listeners are going to appreciate hearing that your story your words can you know save somebody's lives and and that's what I'm hoping to do with this podcast. And thank you for the inspiration man thank you for being a guest on the show. So everyone out there go check out Lirazone. You can find him on Instagram are you on Facebook? Everywhere brother everywhere okay YouTube make sure you follow like subscribe check out his music I checked it out earlier on Spotify. Great musician I'm excited to see what else you start putting out man thanks for being on the show. Pleasure brother and that is the end of segment two with my guest Lirazone make sure you uh go check out his music and his videos follow and subscribe to his pages I love the hard work that this guy is putting into his music and his passion and his drive if you couldn't tell from from listening in on that uh podcast I can definitely tell that he is committed to it and I if you know me you know I love hard work and I love when people are all about it and not just half asking something. I have mad support for anyone that reaches for their goals and that works hard for it not just puts it out there just like that. So Lirazone, go check him out right now. And we are going to be ending this podcast this week's podcast. I've got to give a big shout out to our two subscribers financial subscribers monetary financial subscribers which again are Eric Sheetz and Mr King John thank you guys both very much anyone out there that wants to contribute uh monetary wise there are links that you can contribute on a monthly basis as a subscriber any amount helps this podcast as I always say does cost us money to run it it costs us time costs us efforts and all that so um it's it's definitely not free on our end but we love doing it and uh getting these donations from folks does help us with the software as the software is also very I can be very spendy for editing tools and for uploading definitely uh definitely helps with any amount that you can contribute for all of you out there we appreciate you thank you so much for listening in and those of you that share the podcast with other people we love you guys and thank you guys so much for continuing to listen we do this podcast for you guys I always say this is the podcast of the people for the people hopefully you learn something from this hopefully you can take some of this from our folks that leave comments and from our guests and apply it to your life and make your your life better with it. So have a great rest of your week we love you guys.

SPEAKER_05 2:25:36

And love yourself because you deserve it.

SPEAKER_03 2:25:38

Be sure to find us on all social media platforms follow and subscribe