Episode 17 - Kiras Emberborne

Segment 1:

In this segment, Cody and Mariah share personal updates, reflect on legacy and authenticity,

Keywords:
Podcast, Personal Growth, Legacy, Authenticity, Sobriety, Music, Motivation, Overcoming Adversity, Family, Positivity

Segment 2: 

In this heartfelt interview, Kiras shares a profound journey through childhood trauma, toxic relationships, and the transformative power of music and therapy. Discover how Kiras turned pain into purpose, inspiring others and healing along the way.

keywords:
trauma, music, therapy, personal growth, mental health, resilience, healing, self-awareness, creative expression, overcoming adversity

Follow Kiras: 

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/p/Kiras-Music-61561765362764/

SPOTIFY:  https://open.spotify.com/album/6RnHHcKPvQ2yBBvoUN72b0?si=E8FBYXgpSDua5f0n7LdUIQ

YOUTUBE MUSIC:  https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_msU_mi1l4bqF2-He7j2hag3PWXMcnlyvc&si=WdTfvLAK4Tboxo02 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:18

You are listening to the Liquid Shape Podcast with your host, Cody Perez.

SPEAKER_04 0:26

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of the Liquid Shape Podcast with Cody Perez and Mariah Longfellow. And it is a sunny, beautiful Sunday morning here in Oregon. Look at this fucking weather outside. I love this shit.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

I know. It's nice. I want it to stay forever.

SPEAKER_04 0:44

And it's Sunday, which means we slacked again in getting this done, but better late than never, which means I have to do last-minute editing and I have practice night and I have uh blah blah blah blah blah blah this and that.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

The typical Perez fashion.

SPEAKER_04 0:55

Yeah. And it's not like I actually slack, it's that we were so busy. Yeah, we get busy as fuck with everything. And I just I'm doing a million things at once. Like right now, I'm actually dying my beard as I'm right here waiting doing the podcast. So and about to have to go to practice, and the boys are probably not gonna be able to get their fucking walk-in, but maybe later tonight when I get back. Like I feel bad. I made tortillas this morning. I did my workout, and boy.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Oh, Cody's gone. I'm gonna finish having his birthday party next weekend. So I'm gonna get the rest of the house cleaned.

SPEAKER_04 1:25

Uh we did a lot of cleaning yesterday. What did we do yesterday?

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Uh we cleaned out the pantry, I cleaned the gross blinds in the kitchen that are covered in food grease that I don't think they've ever been cleaned.

SPEAKER_04 1:34

We got rid of a lot of crappy food, like the bad stuff that that we shouldn't be eating, no one should be eating. It's poison. So that got tossed the fuck out. Like our trash can is like completely. It's blowing up pretty much. Like it's like fucking all jacked up and whatnot. So uh we did clean a lot yesterday. Mad props to you for getting those blinds done. Um I did the patio on Friday, the front patio, because uh last couple weeks ago I did the back backyard patio uh power washing.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

There's no uh injuries injuries this time.

SPEAKER_04 2:05

Well, I got an injury on my thumb from cutting uh stuff, but why is that? Sharpened my fucking fancy knives, my thousand dollar knives.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

They could barely cut through Aroma Tomato.

SPEAKER_04 2:16

It was my God. And then they're they're they're like the great fucking kind of knives, like the expensive ass chef knives, and so Mama made it good again. Hell yeah. So with that being said, we are actually going to get our patio finally done tomorrow. It searched tomorrow. So uh by my birthday next weekend when we have my party, it should be ready to go. I'm excited as fuck for that. Like we have been wanting to do this with our back patio for a long fucking time. And it's just one section of it that we're handling at this time. The majority of the backyard is going to be handled as far as like we're gonna level it out, we're adding pavers so that we can actually have a flat surface and make it look pretty back there. We can hang out to this summer and have a nice patio setup. Yeah. And then that's just part of one of the projects for the backyard, of course. We have more ideas that we want to do eventually, but this is just to get it kicked off. It's been a long time coming since I bought the damn yard. It's been tilted.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

So you bought the yard, not the house.

SPEAKER_04 3:12

Sorry, I bought the house. You can tell my brain is just fucking all over the board right now. This week, it's bad, it's getting worse every day every day. Um you want an adderall? No, I don't take medication. Anyways, so we're getting the patio done tomorrow. It's getting started tomorrow, and then it should be done within they said a day or two. Um, so I'm very excited for that. And then next weekend, like you said, we're having a small little birthday bash here for my birthday. Hitting 40 finally. Woo! How exciting, right? I don't feel 40. I still feel like I'm in my prime, which I am, essentially. I'm healthy. I am, thank God, knock on wood, that it stays like that. And I fucking I wanna be young and have been thriving and kicking like a motherfucker. I'm sober as fuck and very proud of that. Uh, gonna hit three years in September. Um sober from everything. When I say sober, guys, you guys don't realize that it's not California sober where I'm still smoking weed or any of that. No, fuck that. Sober means you are 100% fucking clean of all of those fucking toxicants like fucking cigarettes and weed and coke and alcohol and pat uh what are the the pouches that people put their mouths down, all that shit and vaping and all that fucking stupid ass crap that Cody barely takes ibuprofen. I don't yeah, I don't even take ibuprofen because I just don't want to deal with any fucking drugs, medications, any of that kind of shit. I don't need that in my life at all. And I'm doing just fine without it, and that's kind of been something that I've uh been very proud of. And and over time, as I've mentioned on here before, I've cut a lot of things out. Like I'm only progressing and growing better as a person. I haven't done soda now, drink soda for over a year. Any energy drinks in over a year. I just recently, what, a couple of months ago, started like really paying attention to labels, and now we've cut out a lot of the bad shit, and I'm feeling amazing from doing that. No artificial flavors, no sugar-free bullshit. If you're doing sugar-free, you might as well just do sugar because you're just causing a lot worse shit to yourself, actually. But very proud of that. Um, so next weekend we're gonna have a barbecue here at the house and have some close friends come by. I'm keeping it small this year. Usually in the previous years, I've had a lot of chaos and craziness here from when we have parties, and so we're keeping it small, and I'm excited just to be around people and good food and good time, some laughs. We just watched the Hulk Hogan documentary, actually, and uh almost finished it. And fucking I love Hulk Hogan. I'm a huge wrestling fan, wrestling nerd.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

So when he did like the blackout beard thing, that's what it looks like.

SPEAKER_04 5:29

The blackout beard with the blonde with the blonde mustache, like bar handler. Rest in peace to Hulk Hogan, the greatest. RIP buddy. It's hard to believe that he died. Like I was telling you before, I always like ever since I always thought that him and Ozzie would just live forever, and I was like, those guys will never die. Those guys will never die.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

Uh one guy from the Rolling Stones, McJagger.

SPEAKER_04 5:50

Mc Jagger, yeah. It's like there's certain people that are just like, dude, they're they're larger than life. They're never gonna die. I'll they'll outlive everybody. And so like the fact that Hulk Hogan and Ozzie died, and then pretty close to each other, actually.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Um, what's his face died?

SPEAKER_04 6:05

Pee-wee. Maybe Pee-wee.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Just died this year. Uh Chuck Norris.

SPEAKER_04 6:08

Yeah, Chuck Norris. That was another person too. Like these icons that you just don't ever think they're gonna pass away. And what the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 6:14

Like it's weird seeing everybody get old. That means that I'm getting old.

SPEAKER_04 6:17

Yeah, it is weird seeing like some of these rock stars that are that I grew up watching and they were in their early 20s, late 20s, whatever, seeing them all just kind of calming down and getting sober and clean and all that shit. So my goal is that turning 40, I want to go in, be like I said, my prime. I want to feel great, look great. That way, when I hit 50, I'm not on all these medications, I'm not like falling apart and destroyed and just feeling like shit. Like I don't want to be dependent on on drugs and alcohol and none of that shit to make me feel good and get that personality out of me. So 40s are gonna be my best years yet, hopefully. And I'm excited to be in my 40s with you. With the boys that we have here, my little Taz and Lorenzo. When I made them tortillas, or I made tortillas this morning, I gave them I made them a little personal tortilla. I split it up for them and was feeding it to them. They were so excited. Like Taz already knew.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

They love it.

SPEAKER_04 7:14

They love tortillas. Yeah, I made corn tortillas and Taz already knew that he was getting some. Oh, he's he's upset because he wants to go on his walk. But last minute we find out that we're doing practice earlier than normal. So I'm right now in the middle of getting that all situated. So as annoying as that can be sometimes, uh, you gotta make shit happen. So, with that being said, guys, this week's guest is one of our persons that comments a lot on our podcast. Always has some awesome perspective. Shout out to my guest on this episode, which is Kiris Emberborn. Had a great conversation with Kiris, and you don't want to miss it. The stuff that Kiris mentioned to me was just shocking. Like the hair on my arms raised when Kiris spoke about uh upbringings and uh relationships and all that. I was just like, what like you this is shit that you read about or see in on on movies, like it's not something that you you expect someone to tell you they live through. Please make sure you listen to segment two because it's it you're gonna hear some stuff and um it's unbelievable, but it's it's great to see Curis is alive and with a positive attitude and and thriving. So also Curis just released some music and is releasing music, and so I encourage everyone to go check that out. I thought I did. I did. You weren't paying attention. You just don't ever you don't listen to me. You don't listen to me either. I got a million things going on in my head when I'm like I think you think you told me and you didn't. I probably did tell you.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

You probably did.

SPEAKER_04 8:40

All right. So with that said, let's get on into this. And uh this is going to be the question of the week, which is what do you want to be remembered for? And some follow-up questions with that is are your actions reflecting that? Who influenced that desire? What legacy are you building? I wanted to keep it short and sweet because I just want people to basically just get to the point of what they what what what they want, yeah, what they want to be remembered for. Like what is their purpose? Not necessarily the purpose, because there's there's purpose, I think, and what you want to be remembered for.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:09

There's a difference there. So with that being said, first person here is um longtime friend of mine. I grew up with her. Actually, I was in our kindergarten class. She was in my kindergarten class. I'll say that. Shout out to Lauren Johnson, um, longtime friend and classmate. And Lauren says, I want to be remembered as someone who treated people kindly, made people feel loved and appreciated. Who influenced that desire? Just how negative and hateful the world has become, I would rather spread love and positivity. Are my actions reflecting that? I like to think so, majority of the time, but no one's perfect. What legacy am I building? Don't know if I figured that one out yet.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

I I'm right there with you, Lauren. That's kind of my thing too. Obviously, I'll go into mine more, but just treating people kindly. Even if they are shitty, it's just still treat them kindly and just move on.

SPEAKER_04 9:57

Mind over matter for sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

You never know what people are going through. And you gotta remember even if someone is shitty, you don't know what they're going through, what they've been through, and they're just maybe not coping with life. And so they they probably ultimately deep down inside probably don't mean to be an asshole or whatever they're doing. But I bet if you were to sit down with them and have a conversation and come into Jesus, if you will, you'll learn a lot and probably be friends after that or whatever. That's how I live.

SPEAKER_04 10:24

Well, you could be the person that either sets them over the top or they're now like gonna go on a rampage and destroy everything around them, including themselves. Or you could be that person that changes that negative feeling that they have because a stranger all of a sudden does something nice for them. Maybe you give them a smile, you say hello, or you open the door, you give them a little bit of hope that not everything around them is complete shit and bullshit.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

So Especially in today's time, there's just so much happening. I mean, there's always been shit happening, always, but it's just with our media and how we're all like everything's caught on camera. Cell phones, everything, everything's just there in your face, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. So it just gets really intense.

SPEAKER_04 11:04

Well, it makes me wonder too, when you when you say that, like, because yes, everything is in our face and we're seeing it more and more and more and more. And it almost desensitizes us where we just like are we at the point right now where we're close to all this negative shit. We're just like, oh, it's just another day, and that's just the way life is, and we get over it. Or there's that other side where people are just like, God, this this really sucks. It's really negative, it's really negative. Do we ever get to the point where we're desensitized, or is it where we just it gets worse and worse with time and we just it's we'll not even accept it, but it just let go go numb or crazy over it. Um's an awesome, very positive person since I remember her. So um for her to be want to be remembered as someone that um is treated people kindly and made people feel loved and appreciated, I would say you're on the right path, Lauren, because you've always been very friendly since I remember. Um we had some fun times. She was uh she lived right down the road from one of my best friends uh when growing up, so I got to hang out with Lauren a lot, had clo different classes with her and whatnot. So I think you're doing a great job, Lauren. Keep kicking ass and uh keep spreading the love and positivity. Next one comes in from Rick Horseman, the fourth, a former guest of this podcast, Kick Ass Dude. Shout out to Rick. For the record, he says, this question of the week is awesome. I want to be remembered for a few things. The first is for my innate, innate innate desire to never quit. The second for my music. Granted, I know I'm playing covers, but still I think it's a great it's it'd be great to be remembered for that, to say that I put something out there in the world for people to enjoy. The third, I want to be remembered for me and for who I am, what I've done. In the words of the great Danny Horseman, never give anyone a reason to say anything bad about you. That's what I want to be remembered for. And I I love that too. Rick, Rick is uh really cool dude, like I said, uh just has a positive attitude, and uh I love that he's doing music and he's chasing his dreams and I love that it's covers.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

And yeah, if it makes spin on good music.

SPEAKER_04 13:06

And if you enjoy it, fucking who cares? Like you're gonna find people, people will find you, you will find the people that enjoy it, and that's all that matters at the end of the day. Um and and the fact that you never quit, uh that's actually I'll get into this more when it's my turn, but I I that's one of the things I want to be remembered for is never quitting. I think that's very important and never never letting the dream die. You gotta keep moving forward, keep pushing. And if you desire if if something is important to you and you keep pushing for it, that's what better way to be remembered than as someone that never gave up and you did it your way, you did it because you loved it, not for some of the bad reasons that people will do certain things. So keep kicking ass, Rick. Love it. Next one is from Brandon Gill. Shout out to Brandon. I want to be remembered for my music and knowing that some of what I recorded has helped people make it, make it to the next day and keep pushing forward. I want to be remembered for not letting people give up. Yes, that's another one. Man, fuck yeah, dude. Like I these are great examples of, I think this is an attitude of a musician. We are people that just we we keep pushing forward. We know there's a lot of struggles, especially nowadays. There's just so much music out there, so many musicians, so much talent, so much artist, so much everything in your face. So it's like hard to it's hard. Sometimes it's easy to just say, fuck it, I don't want to do this anymore. There's just too much competition, I'm not getting the recognition I feel like it deserves, or whatever. And the fact that there's people still have this attitude of keep going forward, I'm gonna keep pushing it, I'm gonna keep doing my things. I enjoy this. I fucking love that. What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Yes. I love watching you.

SPEAKER_04 14:36

Did you see that? I wish people could see me right now. I'm like fucking, I'm driven right now. I'm just like, I'm speaking with my hands, I'm I'm speaking from the heart right now.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

No, I think that I love Brandon, and I just think he's so great.

SPEAKER_04 14:47

Oh, this is not Brandon, the one you know. Oh, it's not? No, it's not Brandon, you know.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Names.

SPEAKER_04 14:52

Because I know a lot of Brandons, I guess. And I know a lot of people, like it's and I'm I've I've you bad you're bad at names, and I've also like anytime I bring someone up, I you're like, oh, do I know them? Yeah, you met them like this and that. This is that. Like I've since getting with me, I think I've shoved so many people in your face like that you've met. I still haven't even showed you a quarter of the people that I like know yet or that you've met in person yet, which is nuts and whatnots. Uh Brandon's a badass.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Go, Brandon.

SPEAKER_04 15:18

Wasn't that a slogan in 2020? Let's go, Brandon. Let's go, Brandon.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Do you want me to read?

SPEAKER_04 15:22

Yeah, this one's from our buddy Josh Holland, also former uh guest of this podcast as well. I'm getting some of the people that uh are on the podcast, and I love that. So I'll let you read it.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Joshua Holland. Uh my dad made a statement that I strive to live by. He used to work for Schwans food delivery. Ooh, love the Schwans, man. One time his regional manor manager was asking people their goals for the day. They were throwing out their sales goals. He got to my dad, and I've always remembered this. My goal is to have people happier that I came, then happier, then happier I left. My dad has given me a ton of these nuggets over the years, which is why we're still close to this day. I love that. You get past like sales quotas, blah, blah, blah. It's just I want to my goal is to leave with people happier than you know before. I think that's great.

SPEAKER_04 16:10

It is great. And I actually had a conversation with my buddy John about this um the other day. Like, you're changing people's lives when you do things like this. Like when someone remembers you for you changing, it could be simple as simple as you went and did some work at their house and that just made their fucking like that you just made their like for example, the guy that's gonna be working on our yard, um, he's gonna for us, we're gonna enjoy it. It's gonna be time for me and you to be back there with the boys, with our friends, um, and and he's gonna change our world. But for him, he may not realize that. I mean, I'll we'll obviously let him know, we'll give him a good rating online and whatnot. We'll if he does a good job, we'll we'll recommend him to people. But changing people's lives could be as simple as you just go and doing your job or whatever. And and people sometimes don't always realize that you are making an impact on people every day. It can just sometimes like when I was working customer service, I remember um for me, it was like I would take 80 to 100 calls, and that one interaction with that person could have made a huge difference in their life from me doing an extension or whatever. Um, and I didn't even realize it. I was just moving on to the next one because I was doing my my work. But we do change people's lives every single day, and to want to be remembered as someone that you know made people happier, and you're leaving this place a better place than it was when you were before you got here, that's that's purpose right there. That's fucking that's a purpose to live.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:25

Uh next one, I'll let you I'll let you read the next couple.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Oh, okay. Uh Jacob Funnel Emblem. I want to be remembered as a top bloke, as a top bloke, someone who walked my own path and in music film and artistry, despite what others had wanted. The person or people who have influenced me in my endeavors, Tom Savini, Wes Craven, and the like music slipknot to some of my homegrown Aussie comedians, Kevin Bloody Wilson, who I think you would like similar naming naming songs starts with a C ha oh. Um and Rod Rodney Rude to the CKY crew, even AOD has an influence in the way I make music now. The legacy I'm building is the oddity from clothing to personal songs. My grandchildren will know the grandpa oddity, ha ha, but yes, so as long as I don't stay or stray from that, I'll get there in the end. Lots of love, brother, from your Aussie mate.

SPEAKER_04 18:25

Yeah. Shout out to Jacob. Jacob's a longtime online friend and fan of the band and supporter. So great to hear from you, Jacob. And and I think he's actually commented before on the questions of the week and mentions a lot of kick-ass entertainers on here. Tom Savini's done some killer stuff. Wes Craven as well, obviously. I think Tom Savini actually made one of Corey Taylor's masks or helped them create it or something along those lines. Yeah, I uh CKY, old school, and I'm fucking awesome to see that AOD has made an influence or helped make an influence on Jacob's life. It does feel fucking good, dude. And I love like I always tell people, like other musicians, I'm like, dude, don't give up. When my friends that do music stop playing music, they sell their equipment or whatever the I get so fucking mad, like I literally get mad and I'm like, dude, you're gonna come back to this, you're gonna miss it. Don't sell your fucking equipment. I know times can get tough, but you're gonna want that. You need that creativity. And if you're good at something, and I know that the people that I hang out with, my friends that are musicians, they're great at what they fucking do. You shouldn't give up. Keep doing it, even if it's not paying the bills. If you love what you're doing, but you feel like, oh, it's not worth it, or why am I doing this or whatnot, you gotta keep pushing, man. There's people that enjoy your work. You have that's that's one of your many purposes, I'm sure, if you're good at it and you're enjoying it. I I I always encourage my friends that do art, that do music, that do whatever, keep pushing for it. That's if it's something you love, do it. If you don't love it, if you really just hate it and you're just like, why am I doing this? I hate this, and blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're doing it to get fame, money, and all that shit, that's that's all those are all the wrong reasons. But if you actually enjoy it and you truly put your heart and soul into it, keep fucking pushing forward. So hell yeah, Jacob.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Yeah. Uh the next one is from Kira Sumberborn. They say, I want to be remembered as someone who helped people feel seen, heard, and valued. Yeah. That's great. I bet you do. I mean, I know I haven't met you, but just from especially after the podcast and uh what Cody was sharing and just interacting with you on these chats or on these weekly uh questions of the week. I just feel like you're a great person, Kiris. And especially it sounds like obviously everybody will hear, but you've been through a lot. And so just to be someone that wants to be positive and remembered to be remembered for uh helping people feel seen, heard, and valued, I think that's huge. Because that to me when means that you didn't succumb to the negativity. The chaos that you live. The chaos and everything that happened, you said, fuck that shit, I'm gonna be me and I'm gonna do this, and this is what I love that's great.

SPEAKER_04 20:50

And and Curious's story, like I said, you want to listen to it. It's when you live something like that, I feel like it'd be real easy to just give up and say, fuck it, and um I'm gonna be either a shitty person or I'm gonna end my life, or do something crazy like that. And and you know, it's it's human nature to kind of lean that way, but when you overcome that and you turn it around and say, fuck that, I'm not gonna let that define me. I'm not gonna let that if it defines me, it's gonna define me in a way that I'm taking this chaos, I'm taking this negative bullshit that I live through, and I'm going to do something positive with it, whether I'm creating music, I'm helping people be heard, I'm telling my story, and people can see that you can overcome that and and and live through it and still have a positive spin on life. That's that's that's purpose right there. That's a a reason to share. And that's why I enjoy talking about my sobriety. That's why I enjoy talking about the chaos. It's not that I'm glorifying the craziness that I've lived and all the nut, the nutty things that I've been through and whatnot, but it's just so that people can see that people can change. People can people can overcome bad decisions that they make, and and no, there's always hope and there's always uh opportunity to to turn bad things around. That's right. Oh, it's my turn. All right. Next one is from Neckbeard News. Neckbeard says we take the concept of music back. To its roots. Before it was conglomerated, conglomerated and regulated, music was bare human expression. Talent wasn't a necessity to make it. Just normal people with janky rundown instruments, potentially instruments they built themselves, playing music for people they loved, music too too minimal and primitive to be recorded. Fuck yeah. That's very true. We tend to ignore all the criticism because the criticism is always you can mix this better if you could make the bass hit harder if her vocals could be louder if, etc. etc. This is all criticism based on the way music is now, but our focus is not on modern mastery. It's on bare bones expression. Every song is a unique type of candy, every album is an art museum. Self-contradiction is also a quicksand that too many artists fear to tread. I suppose max experimentation and ignoring the modern industry standard is what I want my legacy to be. This is also why new metal is my favorite genre. No matter of unconventional the music sounds, the music sounds, it's still new metal. Fuck yeah. Neckbeard fucking right the fuck on. I 100% agree with you on this. And that's living authentically to me. You're not following the trends. You found something that you like and you're experimenting with it and you're taking your own twist on it, and fuck the standards, fuck the copy and paste bullshit of hey, this is popular on the radio. I gotta try this, I gotta try this. If you like something that's on the radio and you try it, cool. But if you're just doing it because you want to fit in this puzzle that fucking satellite radio is saying you need to sound like this and have this fucking, yeah, bullshit, fuck all that shit. We have tried to be on satellite radio, and I'll tell you this right now that fucking we're not gonna change who we are to try to appease those people that decide what is popular and what isn't. Like I hear satellite radio, and I won't name stations, but it's always the same shit. Anything that's new all sounds very fucking similar, and it's bullshit, and it's like, okay, I've sent you guys clearly good music and awesome things that are a little bit different than this, or actually a lot different than what you're playing, and you still don't want to give it a chance. All right, well, fucking whatever. I will keep moving forward and I'll I won't I don't have to support you. Vote with your dollars, like they say, right? I'm not gonna subscribe to those stations, I'm not gonna listen to them, I'm not gonna follow them on social medias or any of that kind of stuff. If you I get passionate about this just because I love authenticity and I just feel like satellite radio and uh these certain web zines and all these kind of shits, like they have these certain genres that pay them certain amounts of money to do this. And it's a lot of times it's the record labels that are just like, hey, we're pushing this band, and you know, you need to play them, and you need to play them. And it's like, cool. It all sounds a fucking same. And be authentic and be yourself, neckbeard, and I'm glad you're doing that. And new metal is, for a matter of fact, the best style of music, period. I love all forms of music, I love all forms of metal, but new metal is my that's my jam. Same. Next one comes from Evan J. Thomas. Shout out to Evan. We were actually guests on his uh podcast and his media that shared us, and and we had an awesome interview with uh Evan. So shout out for commenting and go check out Evan. Verified, oh sorry, helping the local Chicago scene get noticed more. And I love that, Evan. Like, I I do see you pushing bands from all over the board, but the fact that you're involved in your scene and and trying to help uh build it and and get it heard and seen, um, that's very important. There's not very much of that. I can say in in Oregon, there's a couple of people that uh are doing something similar, um, but it's not like it used to be back 10, 20 years ago, unfortunately. So it is important to keep doing that and and keep kicking ass. And um I love your show, man. I I do I get excited when I see that you have uh new guests on there, and and especially when you have big guests too, obviously. Shout out to Evan. Next one's from Jen Lewis. Might sound cliche, but I only want to be remembered as a good mother and wife.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

I don't think that's cliche at all. I think that's great.

SPEAKER_04 25:53

Nothing wrong with that at all. I love that. I love that um because your kids, your kids are gonna be and your husband, they're gonna like your kids are going to see that, and it's going to make them want to be better parents when they're parents.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

They're gonna want to family is what matters.

SPEAKER_04 26:07

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

And this whole weird wicked world, your family.

SPEAKER_04 26:11

And happy husband, happy wife. I know people say happy wife, happy life, but it it it all works the same. You know, if you keep your wife happy, you're gonna have a good life.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

But both keep each other happy.

SPEAKER_04 26:21

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

So communicate and work together.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

I love that she mentions both being a good mother and being a wife. And there's nothing wrong at all with that. I think that's actually a great thing to be proud of and something to be remembered for. So shout out to Jen for that. I'll let you read the next one.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

All right, it's from our pal Don Wold. Uh, what do you want to be remembered for? Uh he says, I want to be remembered as a man who made a real impact on my family, my community, and my country. While I'm here, I want to touch as many lives as possible and help people rise up to become their higher selves. As I build my own success and wealth, I want to bring others up with me and help them become better versions of themselves. Follow-up questions. Are your actions reflecting that? Yeah, I think so. At least with the capacity I have right now. Most things I do or think about doing are aimed at improving my own situation, but I'm always asking who else can benefit from this? Who can I bring along or help out in the process? Who influenced that desire? That's a good question. I think most people have that natural desire to give back and uplift others, but not everybody builds the capacity or actually follows through on it. For me, a big influence has been Andrew Tate. Love him or hate him, his messaging for men is powerful. He pushes you to become the best version of yourself, to lead in your circle, and to step up. His motivational stuff really fires me up and empowers me. What legacy are you building? I'm focused on growing my family first. I want to be the dad who never misses his kids' events or spends as much quality time with them as possible. At the same time, I'm working on building an empire of business that can create real lasting impact in my community. I want to be that friend who's always there, encouraging, empowering, and pushing you to grow. And above all, I want to be the best husband I can be to my wife. Always providing protecting, nourishing our relationship, and finding ways to make it deeper and more fulfilling. John, you're so cool. I fucking love that.

SPEAKER_04 28:14

I fucking love it too. I I love everything you just said here. Um and I always love hearing from John because John always has some great uh feedback to provide and great perspective. And especially like the the fact that he wants to be a great provider, family man. I I was just talking about that this morning about how I want to make you happy and I want the boys to be living their best lives, and that's what's important to me.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

And then if you're happy, I'm happy, and when I'm happy, you're happy.

SPEAKER_04 28:37

Yeah, exactly. It goes it goes around in a circle. I want the things that I do, I do for us to have a better future and to be happy and to be fulfilled. And then I worry about what what's the next outer circle? Like that then I then there's my my mom, my brother, you know, stepbrothers, stepdad, like all that, like my my my family, my my immediate family, cousins and all that. I worry about them and and care about them and love them. And then aside from that, then you have your close friends and your band and and all that shit. So I making sure that everyone's everyone's happy and feeling fulfilled. And of course you're gonna have conflict. There's always gonna be conflict. There's there's I mean, that's that's with any relationship, there's gonna be conflict, and you have to accept that. I don't know too much about Andrew Tate. I've seen some of his videos, and I always love hearing some of the shit that he says. It's it's empowering. Um, so I'll have to look into that a little bit more. I know he's a controversial, controversial figure, and people have a lot to negative to say about him. But is there uh you probably have a lot of people like what I've seen is people have this negative thing that he's toxic masculinity and all that shit. It's like, no, we've just watered down men so much in 2026 or in the last 10 to 15 years that any any guy that looks like a normal guy is gonna look like he's toxic because he's talking about things that, you know, like we're talking, I think me and you were talking about this where men have been men have been made to be like so feminine like and then you hear you see these chicks that are like, oh, I want a real man, like these guys are all fairies or they're this and that and this and that. And it's like they're so like emotional and all this crap. And it's like it's okay to have emotions, it's okay to be but but at some point it's like you've watered down men so much that like it it's damaging, in my opinion, to each their own how you want to live. But I feel like especially like the younger generation, I think we were just talking about this too with my post that I made about the short shorts. Like, it just I don't understand it. I don't like the short shorts either. Yeah, everyone do you, like you do yourself. Everyone's got an opinion.

SPEAKER_00 30:34

Like I like the whole, like my style's always been like like so cal skater guy. Like I like the cargo shorts, like the vans, or like the dicky shorts, and just a t-shirt and the hat, like some tattoos. Like to me, that's always been hot.

SPEAKER_04 30:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:48

But that's also the era that I grew up.

SPEAKER_04 30:50

So yeah, the new the new era, I feel like nowadays, like guys are just they're so watered down, the younger generation, unfortunately for them, and unfortunately for the females that are gonna be around them, because what what does that do to the females? Like what like how what's the impact that that has long term? Um, it can empower them, make them feel more empowered, which is good. And I always encourage that. Like I love seeing women take lead roles and and um take in charge and and and what have you, but at the same time, like that's that's also a guy that should be doing that. A guy should be more masculine than I've seen the younger generation be. And I I I will say this right now, I don't relate at all. And I think I said this on my post yesterday. I don't relate at all with the younger generation, not in any aspect of it. I don't understand it, and I'm okay with that. Yeah, I don't want to be cool and hip to them because I don't relate to them.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

Well, and that wouldn't be, you know, you wouldn't be authentic to yourself.

SPEAKER_04 31:37

Exactly. I wouldn't be authentic to myself. I would be trying to chase in it next trend and all that. And to me, I said this before too, is like I'm embarrassed for people that are my age or around my age that are trying to still look like they were 15 or like trying to catch those trends that these young kids are doing. Like, stop doing that. Like, do you but like that's not authentic. You're you're chasing the latest trend, and it's just like it's embarrassing when I see that.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

I see it a lot on TikTok, especially like yeah, with women. I'm like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 32:03

Men do it too, believe me. Like they're like these little haircuts that they're getting and shit. Like, it's like you're 40 years old. What the fuck are you doing? At your fucking age. All right, so uh let's get to the questions. So, as uh reminder, what do you want to be remembered for? Me, I want to be remembered as someone that was very authentic. I'm myself, whether you like it or not. And you get a bold truth from me. I tell you how I feel, how it is. You don't have to wonder if I'm beating around the bush. It's so if it sounds cold and heartless, that's your perspective, and that's fine. But I'm gonna tell you how it is, and you're gonna get me 100% um authentic. And you're not gonna get something that's trying to trying to fit into what the majority of people are thinking or feeling like or any of that. I'm not I'm not gonna try to fit into your puzzle of what you think it should be. You're gonna get Cody Perez, and that's all you're gonna get. And I've always been like that since I was a kid because I don't I've never really cared what other people think at all. I always encourage people to be themselves. Even if I don't like what you're doing, be you. I encourage it. Just understand, just like I understand, that people will criticize you for it. And I've always had people criticize me for all sorts of things, and I'm okay with that. I understand that when I put myself out there, whether it be with music, with how I look, what I do with my hair, what I do with my tattoos, what I do with piercings that I had in the past, what I drive, whatever it is that I do, I expect that there's gonna be people out there that don't like that, that will critique it and talk shit, and that's fine. I can talk shit back to you. It goes back and forth, back and forth, and I'm okay with that. But I always encourage people to be yourself. So I want to be a person that's remembered for being authentic and also pushing people to be themselves and just be authentic. Don't try to keep like this fake image of what you think you want people to think of you or what you what you hope that they are. Just be yourself. Um, and also, like I mentioned earlier with with one of our guests that mentioned it, I don't want to be a person that's I want to be remembered as a person that never quit. I kept going, kept pushing for the things that I want and I love, and I don't accept failure. I learn from my failures and I move forward. I don't let it hold me back. I don't make excuses, I'm accountable. Um, those are the kind of things that I want to be remembered for the most. Sure, it'd be great to say that I was a rock legend or anything like that, but I I'm not at that level at all whatsoever. If that happens, great. If it doesn't, I'm like at the end of the day, I these are things I want to be remembered for. I want to be authentic. I never gave up. I encourage people to be themselves. I was loud and proud about who I am. Uh, and I'm a hard worker. That's that's those are the things that I worry about and I love with all of my fucking heart. I love with fucking passion. Everything I do, I do with passion, and I give it 110%. I always give you that extra, even if I don't have it. It like that old saying goes, you know, sometimes you don't have 100% in you. You have, let's say, 70%, but I'm gonna give you all that 70%. So essentially it's 110% that I'm gonna give you that, because I'm gonna get to that 70% and give it a little bit more. That makes sense. That's what I always encourage people to do. Are your actions reflecting that? I think 100% they are, especially now with my sobriety, like I as I've mentioned. Um, that was a what a huge reason why I got sober is because I realized I needed to keep moving forward. I needed to turn up the volume on my purpose and my me being accountable and me being a hard worker and me being um a reliable person, all that shit. And it wasn't gonna happen without getting sober first, and now I'm just I'm adding more to my plate. I keep stacking things of of keep me busy and keep me going to make sure that at the end of the day, people are gonna be like, yeah, fucking Cody did it. Like he he just uh really pushed. Who influenced that desire? I mean, I think I was just sick and tired of the same old, same old, same old status quo of here's another day. I'm gonna get up, go drink, party with friends, do crazy shit, fall asleep, pass out, wake up, regret it, do it all over again. That cycle gets old, man. It's predictable. Like there's a lot of shit that you don't know what the day is gonna bring, but at the same time that that's coming, so it becomes predictable in itself. So for me, the influence was within myself. I just got sick and tired of the same old, same old. And uh there was there was a need for a demand for a change within myself. What legacy are you building? I would say I just want someone that people can look up to and say, like, hey, he did it, he did it his way, I can do it too. And so the legacy I want is just to leave that behind with others, that it's gonna inspire others to do what they want to do. Not necessarily follow my steps and do what I do, but just inspire them to believe within themselves that that they can make an impact on the world, that they can change, that they can do good things. And so that's where I'm at with that.

SPEAKER_00 36:25

I love that. Perez. I think that's that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_04 36:28

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 36:29

Yes. I think for me, what do I want to be remembered for? I mean, it's a few people mentioned it too, but I want to be remembered as someone that was nice um and accepting and someone that's was always there to help friends, family when they were in need. That I'm by your side. I like being the person like that my friends come to for advice because I'm not gonna sugarcoat shit. If you want my opinion, I'm gonna give it. The good and the bad, I'm not mean, but I'll say, hey, when I try to make even like maybe the more I don't know, if negative stuff, I always try to make it optimistic too. Like, I'm sure this is happening now, but however, your steps to get to XYZ or whatever, I always try to swing it into a positive. That's just my thing. There's just so much negativity in this world that I just want to keep things positive and light. Like we've all been through shit, like especially once you hit your forties, I think we all have some sort of trauma of some sort, unfortunately. But that's just I think part of being a human and dealing with other humans. But I just want to, yeah, be someone that was like when Raya walked in a room, her smile lit it up and made everybody feel better. And this that there was just a sense of ease and happiness.

SPEAKER_04 37:32

I feel like that. I think I told you that I I I've told you this before. There is something different when you walk into the room, and I felt this even back when we first met, like you just have this energy of positivity that I feel like you light up a room. And I don't mean that in like a yeah, you do it to me in a in a love and romantic way, but I I I feel like as a even back then when we were friends, like you did that and you do that for others, and I think that other people can sense that. So you're already well on that. Um, you have an aura about you that just oozes positivity and uh you just make people f I think you make people feel better and like in a happy mood. So good.

SPEAKER_00 38:06

That's my that's that's definitely what I want to be remembered for. Are your actions reflecting it? Well, apparently. I try, I mean, I'm not perfect. There are days I'm shitty too. I'm in a bad mood. I mean, especially I mean the perimenopause stuff, that's been HRT, like that's been fun to figure out. But I'm getting back there. I feel like my light's coming back. It did kind of dim for a little bit. So I hope I was still I hope I was still you know um oozing positivity as much as I could in that time. But I'm feeling really good now. So who influenced that desire? Honestly, my mom. My mom was like, she's obviously, but my mom has just always been that positive. Like, I'm here for you, I'll do anything for you, I'll give you the coat off my back, like if you're my family or a friend, or it doesn't even have to be that, just someone in need. Like I've seen my mom just go out of her way and help people that needed it. So I mean, she's always been such a positive light. And I mean, my mom, like, even in my frickin' early 20s and going out partying with my friends, my friends would say, Is your mom gonna come out with us tonight? Get Pam to come out, get Pam to come out. I'm like, Okay. So no, she was just she's just I think that's I I take after her a lot because I think she's absolutely one of those, like when she would enter a room, you were just like, huh. Like Yeah, she lit up the room, just you know, her smile, her laugh, her positivity. Um, I fucking snort just like she does, like laughing. Like But my dad's also that way too. Like he can light up a room too. It's very funny. Yeah, he's funny and he has an energy to him. So luckily, like I just have great appearance in that, and I think good and bad, they've obviously have molded who I am today for sure. Uh, what legacy are you building? Um I just hope that whether this is legacy or not, I just hope that you know, when people think of Mariah Longfellow, I hope they think of like, oh, like again, she was nice, she was positive, she was accepting. I just hope people will think of me and say, hey, I should do that, or I should be more accepting of people, or not saying change your views or anything, but just understanding, I guess, that everybody's gonna be different. So we don't have to be you don't have to agree with what someone's doing, but we don't have to be so hateful. And let's just fucking hug it out, guys. It's not that deep. We're all just trying to live life on this spinning fucking rock. So let's all get over it and stop trying to push shit on other people. It is what it is. Yeah, not everybody's gonna like everything you do, and vice versa. That's just how it is. But we don't have to be hateful. I don't know. Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_04 40:30

I agree. And with that being said, that is the end of segment number one. Please stick around for segment number two. You don't want to miss Kiris Emberborn, my guest, and the story shared on that uh segment. I promise you that you're gonna hear some stuff where I'm like, you're gonna be like, what the fuck? Like that that just sounds like it came out of a movie, but it's real and it happened, and I'm excited for you guys to hear Kiris's story. So stick around for segment number two. Hello, everyone, and welcome to segment two of the Liquid Shape Podcast. Today I introduce you to my guest, Chris Emberborn. Welcome, Kiris. Hello. I am excited to have you on here because you have been a person that participates in the uh questions of the week and you leave awesome comments. And uh one thing that I love about it, and I know Mariah loves about it, is that you always give a great perspective of your thoughts on different uh on different subjects that we bring up. And a lot of things I I'm like, oh wow, we think alike, and other things I'm like, oh, I didn't even look at it like that, and it helps me understand. So I'm very excited to have you on the podcast here to tell your story. So go ahead and introduce yourself to the audience and let's let's hear about your story and we'll take it from there.

SPEAKER_03 41:41

Well, hello, yes, I'm Kiris, longtime commenter, first-time guest. Uh um, yes, I love what you guys have been doing, and it's been fantastic for me too to uh be able to share some of my stuff that I don't get to normally talk about in day-to-day life with people. Uh, you guys offer a level of depth that the general population isn't super comfortable with, and that's where I like to live. I like to live in the Mariana's trench of oceans. Like, let's go deep as hell. So, kind of to give you a quick overview of me is uh I grew up with a lot of trauma, and then that trauma continued to facilitate throughout my life until I started to seek therapy and really get in touch with who I was, and then um I've always used performance as a way to uh I guess let out some of those societally unacceptable emotions and just to get all those things out and that that energy out of me through performance. And um Wow, I guess I say um a lot too. I noticed you guys were you were talking about that in one of the first episodes.

SPEAKER_04 42:39

You know a lot. And that's like swear to God, I'm gonna get a jar one of these days, and I'm gonna have me or Mariah throw money into that, and that money's gonna have to go to something like special, like to pay back so that we can reduce it. Because we actually at the end of every episode, we do count. Like, I'm like, because it will, I'll go in there and I'll be able to filter like how many times we said it.

SPEAKER_02 42:57

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 42:57

The last episode we did that just came out yesterday, one times on just our segments, and a hundred and something other on segment two with my guest, myself included in that. So I'm very aware of that, and I still say it and I say like a lot, and I say certain words, and I'm like, damn it, I gotta stop. So it's fine if you say it. Uh the the luckily, this this there's an AI form of editing for this that will filter out a lot of the ums and uhs, not all of them because it still doesn't catch all of them, it's not perfect, but right it does filter out a lot of that stuff. So as you will.

unknown 43:32

All right.

SPEAKER_03 43:34

Yeah. Sometimes too much that you know it it can self-awareness is a blessing and a curse. Yeah, it is for sure. Especially for us overthinkers. Oh my god, yes. Oh god, and creative people too. Like I will create whole new scenarios to overthink and run down that fucking Oh my god, I love that. I can curse on here, right? Yeah. Oh, come on. It's Cody motherfucking Perez. So, anyways, let me uh let me kind of go back to the very beginning and share a little bit of my story. And um again, feel free to jump in and uh ask any questions or whatnot for clarity because I just kind of typed this thing out probably four or five months ago. Um I was part of a uh an online group for uh victims of abuse of certain types of abuse and whatnot. And uh I typed this out to kind of just share it with anybody else that may be feeling the way I've been feeling and whatnot, uh to see if there's anybody else out there that's gone through similar stuff. So without further ado, here we go. Yeah. Drumroll? All right. Uh my drums right now, they're too far for me, but yeah. Drum roll. Well, we have a uh metaphorical drum roll. No, that's not right. Anyways, okay. So I was born to parents who were still children themselves, and I mean, like, my mom was 17 when she had me, barely 17, and uh both families were uh families of incest and molestation and abuse. Both my parents were alcoholic drug addicts who exposed me to sexual situations, emotional and physical abuse from birth, including being raped as a toddler. Oh my goodness. Yes. One instance, I believe my mother attempted to murder me at five years old. I fell out of the second story of the apartment we lived in, and I don't I haven't had any therapy to bring up any repressed memories, but I have always had this this fear of when I'm near an edge that somebody's pushing me from behind, and I think that's where it came from. How old were you? You were two years old or I was five at that point. Five. Oh my goodness. And so I fell and I was fine. I did like a full somersault, landed on my feet. Um, and I couldn't walk for like two months after that. I didn't break anything, thank goodness. Uh the the facts around the situation caused me to think that my mom uh pushed me. I I won't go into that detail, but um there's no way possible that the resolution would have happened without her being in the same room. Goodness. And then there's another instance based on stories that my dad liked to tell uh of me almost drowning at two years old that I think my grandmother tried to push me in the pool and and drown me.

SPEAKER_04 46:07

God, Kirst, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_03 46:14

Right. Oh my god. So needless to say, I felt like a burden and worthless almost my entire life. I was an absolute burden to my mother just because she she was a victim of trauma and abuse as well, and then having a child at such a young age, she didn't have any idea what she was doing, and she had huge intense rage issues. My father was too busy into uh partying, and uh I was a bit of an embarrassment because uh I made his mom, my grandmother, a grandmother in her thirties. And so there's another story that used to get told when I was a kid that uh when my grandmother was dating the guy she would end up marrying after my grandfather, that I came running down the hall going, grandma, grandma, and the guy she was dating was like, What did he say? And my grandma was super embarrassed because she's a grandmother in her thirties, and so I think that's why she possibly just nudged me into the pool at two years old. And then on top of my mom being a horrible rage monster, she wasn't easy to to live with either. So it was let's get both of these people out of our family as quick as possible. So yeah, some heavy, heavy shit right from the beginning.

SPEAKER_04 47:19

I right that's some I mean, that's that's like I I can't imagine. Like that's that's so much to take on, and then it feels like you're they're being raised by people that are trying to like end your life. Like that's like and who do you trust at that point? If you can't trust your own family, you don't have did you have anyone at that time that like a another sibling, an aunt uncle, or anything like that that you could trust and that you confided in or that it would look out for you, or the cousin, or anything like that?

SPEAKER_03 47:47

It didn't really come until I was probably seven years old. That same person my grandmother was dating, she ended up marrying him. So for my earliest memories, I remember them being married, and he was he was a step-grandpa, but he was a my grandpa, and he he was a safe person to be around. I actually went and lived with them for a little while in what grade was that? That was third grade? In third grade. And uh that little window was probably the happiest time in my childhood. He's the person that introduced me to music. It was while I was living with them that I decided, oh my god, I want to be a performer, because we watched Back to the Future one night and the scene where Marty's on stage at the under the sea dance. I was like, that's what I want to fucking do. So I knew I wanted to be on stage and perform. He played guitar all the time and sang all the time, and it was just it was the coolest thing in the world to me. So I credit him with being the biggest inspiration for me to pursue anything musically, just to g to be on stage and to be an entertainer. And also I learned to be very codependent through all this abuse and whatnot. So I had to manage everybody else's emotions so they didn't turn into rage or violence, and so I had to keep people laughing and happy a lot. So it became uh a skill that I really had to develop for survival. Um and so as we fast forward into the time when I I started going through puberty and whatnot, and I'm in high school, and I started being coming interested in dating, I I was unconsciously choosing partners that were exactly like my mother. And I was often selected and pursued by these women because dating them, I I felt I felt so grateful that they seemed to care and I would go way out of my way to prove my worth. And that caused me to be cheated on and abused in 90% of the romantic relationships I was in.

SPEAKER_04 49:33

That's and we hear about we hear about that happen a lot, both to, you know, it it happens to parents that like like a lot of times where girls go for guys that are like their father that wasn't there or that was abusive or whatnot. And then you hear about where it happens with men as well, like where they end up going for females that remind them of their mother that was either overbearingly there or wasn't there. And it's it's funny how that can happen. Not funny, like it's cosmically funny. It's it just it makes you think it's like what like what your brain, like what it how do the brain works to attract someone to to a person that that is familiar with that relates to something in their past that may not be so great that maybe they're trying to fill the void there. And well that just from what you saying, like that your step-grandpa was the person that you were able to confide in that it wasn't it wasn't even blood. Family is is a lot more than just blood. And in many cases, sometimes you find out that families, the people that are your blood are not out for your best interest and are it it some it takes somebody else to show you compassion and love and trust and care and all that that that may not be blood related, but you consider them family because they they care for you and they look out for you, and and in this instance, this this person was able to guide you in the direction of being entertainer and and uh bring you to a world that you know you were able to to vent out some of those some of those uh chaotic moments in your life.

SPEAKER_03 50:57

Well, so that whole thing, that's the Reuter Freudian psychology, isn't it? I mean, like we unconsciously are attempting to heal the original relationships that were damaging to us through the partners that we seek. And unfortunately, the ego works in such a way that it seeks out partners to create situations so your ego is right. Like if you feel like I'm a worthless, I'm a burden, I'm unlovable, you will find people that will treat you as such so the ego can maintain that status quo of yes, I'm a burden, yes, I'm worthless, yes, I'm unlovable.

SPEAKER_04 51:30

To convince yourself in a way or in a certain in a in a sense to convince yourself, yeah, I was right, like even if it's not a positive way, like that's right, right.

SPEAKER_03 51:38

The ego always wants to be right. So whatever you believe about yourself will be true. Like the way you speak to yourself is so important. Like it will create your reality around you. If you're constantly saying I'm a piece of shit, I'm an idiot, I'm worthless, I'm dumb, you will find situations where you continue to feel those things, so it reinforces the ego. If you start telling yourself, you know what, hey, I'm pretty fucking badass in this situation, I'm really good at this, I'm compassionate, I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm caring. You will find situations that just come into your life that reinforce those beliefs too. So it's ego is not a bad thing. Everybody has an ego. It's just how do you want to feed that ego and what do you want to how do you take care of it, right? It's it's that whole thing the two wolves that live inside you thing, and what which wolf do you want to feed?

SPEAKER_04 52:24

Yeah, I I'm a firm believer of um the energy that you like that you have, that you surround yourself with and that you put out, you're gonna get back. Like I know, I know a lot of people that um they just are always in really bad situations, but they're also always uh putting it out there, they're putting the bad energy, they're putting bad vibes, they're they're constantly in just this negative mood. So like I I don't know what it is, it just all this bad shit attracts to them and constantly like every day is a different episode of some bad shit that's happening in their life. And I'm like, change your mindset, change the energy you're putting out there, and I promise you that things will get better. Uh and and and it's like that old saying, whether you think you're right or wrong, you're correct.

SPEAKER_03 53:08

Yes, exactly, exactly. Um and it it's very simple to the solution is simple, but the practice is really fucking difficult.

SPEAKER_04 53:16

It is, and it's it makes a lot of work and it's mind, it's that one of those mind over matter things for sure. Like that you have to you have to just work at it, work at it, work at it. And if you have to write it down or you have to say it to yourself before you get up, or when you wake up in the morning, or you know, when you're brushing your teeth or something, there's there's everyone's different. I I 100% can't speak for say that this is the way to do something or whatnot, because all of us take information differently and apply different things differently. But uh for me at least, what works is a lot of just I like to wake up early in the morning and I self-reflect on everything around me, what I have planned for the day, what I have around me, what I'm thankful for. I I even think about the bad times. I think about those bad days when I was deep in my addiction and in some really bad relationships and all that. And then that makes me just think like I'm such in a better place right now.

SPEAKER_03 54:06

Right, right.

SPEAKER_04 54:07

But girl, go ahead, carry on. Sorry, I'm I'm I'm I'm going off right now. No, I mean that's what this is, right?

SPEAKER_03 54:12

We're we're creating creating a whole new, new something we're creating right now, just through our back and forth. And that's what's beautiful. So, needless to say, through all this, like I never wanted to have a family because my experience, what that was, and having kids just seemed so irresponsible in my perception of how the world was. Like that just was so far from anything I could have ever imagined. And then I was selected by someone looking for a new place to live as she was breaking up with her boyfriend, and we started dating, and I fell deeply in love with her and begun to change my mindset on having a family. She was pagan, so I thought, okay, well, this is fitting. I'll propose to her on Halloween, the pagan new year. And then on Thanksgiving, she called off our proposal 30 minutes before dinner. So dinner that year was really uncomfortable, let me tell you what. I bet. Jesus. Like she called it off right there, and then in front of others, or just no, she called me into the our bedroom and called it off, and then we had to walk out of the bedroom and go sit down and eat dinner with everybody. Goodness. Perfect timing, right? So perfect. And then on Christmas Day, she went and cheated on me with somebody she worked with, and then immediately following New Year's that year, got me fired from the job we both worked at with a bogus restraining order.

SPEAKER_04 55:25

Right there, toxic, toxic person right there. Yes. And and just wait. Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 55:30

It keeps getting worse. It keeps getting worse. This is like a horror movie. Like the whole, the whole story. I can laugh at it now because I've lived through it and I've healed from it. But I know people have heard this and been like, oh my God. So so I signed up for the Air Force to get a fresh start right after that. I was like, okay, I just I gotta leave. Um and I had a bunch of friends that joined right after high school. And I was like 23 at this time. And they're telling me, oh yeah, it's just like any regular job. It's no big deal. You just go to work and you go home and nobody bothers you. No, no big deal. So I was like, okay, well, I'll do that. I'll get my GI bill and then I'll study a bunch of music stuff once I get out. Right before I left. So, okay, this happened. We break up uh right around New Year's Day, and I leave for the Air Force in July. June 20th, 25th, 26th, somewhere around there. Um, I was targeted again by another woman looking to leave her second baby daddy. And uh, so we dated through my basic training and then broke up during my tech school because I really didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship at that point. I'm just starting a whole new life and like I don't need this long-distance relationship thing. So we break up and she's pissed. And then I get through my tech school, which was about six months, and then after tech school, we got to go on like a two-week leave. And so I came home and we reconnected, and then uh I get back to my first duty station and she proposes to me on the phone. Um, because I I had kind of told her before, like, hey, I've done the proposal thing, I'm not ever doing it again. I was kind of jaded because I was hurt and so. So uh so she proposes to me, and being extremely codependent and love-starved, I go, okay, yeah. So she hops on a bus two weeks later and arrives, and this is on a Friday. So we have to go to the courthouse the second she gets off the bus to elope, because I'm not allowed to have a girl stay overnight in my dorms. So we have to go get married so the Air Force will give us a house to go live in. So we move into a house with nothing, no furniture, no anything, except for the little bit of stuff that I have in my dorm room. And about a month and a half later, her kids came out. But in that time frame before the kids came out, uh, she started getting violent with me. The most ridiculous things were is that she would attack me after having sex because I didn't want to have more sex immediately. I need a nap, I need a sandwich, or I'm just not interested right now. And so she would get violent and start like slapping at me and like digging her claws, claws, her nails and shit into my back and into my face. She was like the nymphomania kind of thing, like where she just couldn't get enough of it, or she had her own trauma surrounding sex and abuse and whatnot. So she had a very unhealthy outlook on what sex was supposed to be like. And like she was during these times, she was really, really drunk doing this. Um, and so there's no no matter what I did, I tried to leave, I tried to get away from her, she would follow me and chase me and just keep attacking and uh until she would finally pass out. And so then I was like, Man, this is not gonna work. I was like, you need to get sober, we can't do this.

SPEAKER_04 58:24

Um that's dang yeah, dangerous situation there.

SPEAKER_03 58:27

You just don't know, like especially with someone that's drinking and it's violent, they might wake up and they got a knife over you ready to cut you up and so then after I tell her this, and she starts she starts going to AA, and the AA thing was like an off and on thing for the almost five years we were married. She would go and then she would relapse and then go and then relapse and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, but then uh six months into our marriage, she decided to stop taking her birth control, and we were still wearing condoms, but she decided to ride it off of me one night, and then she got pregnant. And so now I'm trapped. Like I can't go anywhere. And I have no say because even if you're in a committed relationship with somebody, a man has zero say on whether or not you get to keep the child.

SPEAKER_04 59:09

Yeah, no, that's that's that's very true. I mean, that's kind of where that's where it's where we're at with that.

SPEAKER_03 59:15

Mm-hmm. So she would steal money from our family to go buy pills and stuff. While she's pregnant? I don't know that she was doing drugs while she was pregnant. I know she was like sneaking cigarettes and stuff when I wasn't around, but telling me she wasn't smoking and whatnot.

SPEAKER_04 59:33

Was she drinking too or don't know.

SPEAKER_03 59:36

She hid it so well. I don't know times that she was. And because of my job, I would be gone for three or four days at a time, like full day, like not just like during the day, like 72 hours or more at a time, and then I would come back home. And the kids were with her all this time, and she was alone with the kids. Uh and so I don't know exactly what was going on. She told me if later when she got sober for the final time, that there were times where she was drinking with the kids around. One time after our child was born, we were at the swimming pool and I was hanging out with the two stepkids. We were going down like the water slides and stuff like that. Well, she was hammered ass drunk, and I didn't know, and she was supposed to be watching our child, and our child jumped into the pool and had to have the lifeguards rescue him, and he was one and a half, two at the same time. So here's another really fucking weird cosmic thing. The same thing happened to my kid at two years old, falls into a swimming pool and almost drowns. Like, yeah, it's so weird how that shit happens. So then she started too.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:33

Like, that's you know, for a two-year-old, like that's oh, I just can't, I I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:38

So then she started cheating on me. And she started cheating on me with my family members, with my co-workers, with my bandmates. And so I began to shut down. And I was doing my best to care for her, our child, and my two stepkids who knew me as dad. So when we started dating, she had a three-year-old and a six-month-old.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:55

They now she had three baby daddies, right? With you included. Like that's that's not three. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:01

And so these two kids only knew me as dad. Like they didn't know they had another dad. And so when I started withdrawing and shutting down, she saw that as a rejection to her and began to find her next target who she met in AA. And then she moved, she left me and moved in with him. So then we got a divorce and I had an attorney, she didn't, and I said, okay, let's split everything down the middle except for all the debts, which are all in my name, because I just wanted to be fair and I wanted to co-parent with her for the kids. Um and that was fine for a little bit because I had the kids almost all the time while she was off hanging out with this new person who would become her husband soon.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:39

And you could have been really petty when you think about it. Like you could have just been like, fuck you. I'm, you know, you fucked me over. I'm gonna do what I can because I I know me personally, I can get really petty. And uh in a situation like that, I would have probably I would have probably raised hell, especially you having a lawyer and her not having a lawyer like that. You probably could have done her dirty.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:57

Well, I was I was a little petty. Um, I'm not I'm not innocent in all this. That year when we got our tax return, she didn't get any of it. I kept it all. I had I had bills to pay. We had bought a house, we had a car we were paying off. Like I didn't give her any of that.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:11

You got and you took the debt though, right? You said I think you'd have to. Well, yeah, I took everything. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

So I could have said here, here's half of the uh the money, you know, because you get that earned income credit for having kids and whatnot. Yeah. But I didn't. I that was where I was really petty. And kind of at this point, I'm like, it's a wash, I'm okay with it. Like I've I've felt guilty and ashamed about it for years, and I I'm not gonna carry that anymore.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:33

No, no. I mean, I I feel like you did you took the debt on, you took the money, that's you had to pay bills. So if anything, I like I said, I would have I would have probably uh tried to find any way I could to burn her.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:45

I know. I should have taken a dump in her gas tank or something. So then let's jump to the next woman, uh, which didn't happen long after this. I think we uh we got divorced in April of 2010, and then the next woman started talking to me in maybe February or of 2011, somewhere around there. And she was also going through a divorce and sought me out through Facebook, and we had known each other from high school, and she lived in Oregon while I was stationed in Wyoming. Um, and between us, the sparks and chemistry were instantaneous. Like we were so connected on every topic, like that it just blew me away. And I I felt like, oh my God, this is the love I've been looking for my whole life. Um so then I separated from the military in July that year after she and I had begun talking. And then in December, I decided I was going to move back home to Oregon to be with her. And so my ex-wife wasn't super cool with me moving away, but we had come to a handshake agreement on how to keep joint custody while living 1200 miles apart. It was a really unorthodox idea, but it was feasible and would be in the best interest of the kids because they would get equal time with each parent and then also learn how to make new friends in different areas and whatnot. Um, anyway, I'm not gonna delve into that part. That's because that's not important to the story. But uh, so I moved back here in Oregon in December of 2011, and within two months of being with this new person, she went camping with the person she had an affair on her husband with while I was out of town. Oh my God. And then, like, was telling me nothing happened, nothing happened, nothing happened. And I only found out because she slipped up and when she was telling me about what she did that weekend, she said something about, oh yeah, we did this. And I go, We, what the fuck do you mean we? Who's we? My God. And then it comes out, oh yeah, we slept in the same bed and he kissed me, but nothing else happened. Sure, it didn't. Shit, no, hell no. That's fuck that. Oh God. So, okay, so two months after that, the ex-wife shows up in Oregon on spring break. She's got my two stepkids, but I had taken our biological kid with me because he wasn't in school at the time. So she shows up for spring break, lets me have the kids for a few days, and then says, Hey, I want to go take them to visit my dad in Myrtle Creek. I go, Okay, no big deal. So I load the kids up in her car and I'm like, okay, I'll see you guys in a couple days, you know, have a good trip. The next morning I wake up, she's calling me saying, We're on our way back to Wyoming, you're not getting the kids back. And then she had me served with paperwork. I went almost a year without seeing or speaking to our children. She wouldn't let me talk to them, she wouldn't kidnapping them. Well, okay, because we had joint custody, legally it's not, but that's exactly what it fucking was, right? So during all this, the new woman that I'm with is breaking up with me, getting back together, and telling me she's in love with this other guy. And that's when all the gaslighting really started. All the situations to me that felt like cheating were explained how it wasn't cheating and that my feelings were the thing that were a problem. So we would argue for hours into the night. And manipulation at its finest, right there. What the mic? Fuck God. And so hour long, hours long arguing into the night to where at the end of it I'm apologizing and going, You're right, I'm sorry, I I fucked up, I did this. And also, too, as I'm starting. This is around 2013. I'm starting to gain some um some of my first like awakening moments and consciousness really entering my actions and my behaviors, realizing that, hey, I'm responsible for how I react in any given situation. You know, nothing's ever happening to me. Things are just happening, and I'm choosing how to respond to that situation. So I don't want to jump and be defensive. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to um go on attack because I'm in survival mode. I need to stop this fight or flight shit. Like, I'm not doing that anymore. And so I would realize like in these arguments, I'm getting heated and I need to stop because I'm about to say something mean or I'm about to be an asshole, which is usually that turning point that would happen in the relate uh the argument to like, see, I told you you're the problem. So I'd ask for time. I hey, I need to walk away. I need to, I need to cool down, I'm pissed off. She would follow me room to room and keep poking at me until I would finally blow up and scream at her, and then she'd cry, and then I'd apologize. And and then now everything's fine because the the focus is off her, and now I'm the dickhead again. Then custody kind of got settled after about a year and a half of going through court stuff. And the first two years after custody was settled was fine. I got to see all the kids during all the school holidays and whatnot, and they would come and they were really, really happy being here and often telling me, like, we wish we could live with you. And that was heartbreaking because like I've only got legal rights to one of them, and I don't to the other two. One of the two doesn't know he has another dad, only sees me as dad, so he doesn't understand at all why they can't just come live with me. And then also every time the kids would come to visit, that new woman would cause some drama right after they'd get there that would send me into a spiral of depression. And then they'd leave and I'd be distraught, and no one was there to comfort me. Like it was just instantly right back into the shit with the new person I was dating.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:48

And I thought I had toxic relationships, and our last episode we were talking about toxic relationships, and you you said you wanted to save it for the podcast. I can see why. I thought I had it bad, man, but I I yeah, I don't know. Like I can't uh I can't compete with that. The fucked up thing too is like you what happens is you go from one bad relationship and then instantly jump into another one that's like you just when you thought that you've seen the worst, it's like it just gets worse and worse and worse. And um, what that does to a person, like instantly, like you like I feel like it just makes you not want to trust anybody or want to be in a relationship with anybody. But at the same time, you have that that loneliness, and then you crave it's almost like not that you crave the abuse, but you'd rather like sometimes when you get so lonely, you you crave to just have something or someone to go to and turn to. So I I can't I mean I I I cannot compete with anything you just said right now that you've you've been through. I've had some really bad shit myself and in relationships, but nothing to that level. Um, and and unfortunately, when there's kids involved too, that just adds to it. So it's like makes you wonder like if she's doing this shit to you, who knows the abuse that the kids are are getting when no one's around, when the doors are closed, and when when people are are are abusing people like that, I don't think it just stops with their significant other. I feel like it's in all aspects of their life. They treat their family like that, their friends like that, their co-workers like that, whatever, is around them because they know that they're they feel like they can get away with it. And it especially when kids are involved, that really it tears me up just because it's being a kid that was around and saw violence happening in the household, it's not that's not something that you ever forget.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:30

No.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:31

You can you can move on from it, but it's it's it's traumatizing and it it lasts for your whole life. It does. So I I yeah, that's I don't even know what to say to all that. Like you said, it just got worse and worse, it gets worse and worse. Um but the fact that you can talk about it now, laugh about it, do does show that you've you've healed from it. Like I said, you don't ever forget, and it still it leaves us with it leaves us with uh PTSD in a sense, you know, when when certain things can trigger reminders of things like that. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:02

Oh uh to kind of jump ahead here, in 2019 I started going to therapy heavily. Like I was going on a weekly basis, sometimes three to four times a week.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:12

What finally made you go into therapy? Because that I think that's a good good thing to bring up is because a lot of people, uh including myself, I've never really I've never gone to therapy myself, but my girlfriend Mariah is a huge advocate because she has gone to therapy. Um what was it for you that finally said, you know what, I'm gonna give this a shot? Or what what was it that that finally got you to the point to say, I'm I'm gonna go to therapy?

SPEAKER_03 1:10:35

So I had done it in my teenage years, and I had done it again when I was in the Air Force um when my wife and I were splitting up because I was horribly depressed and suicidal, and I was like, you know what, I I've got kids and I can't kill myself because that's gonna negatively affect their mental health moving forward. Like I had no other reason to be here other than I don't want to do any more damage to these kids than I've already done through my unhealed bullshit. And so I I did it in uh in the Air Force as well, but it wasn't until that new woman and I split up and uh so let me jump back again to the story and then I'll I'll get there. Um, because this all this stuff is kind of the reason why. So after the custody stuff had gone through and I had had two good years with the kids, the ex-wife started creating reasons why each kid couldn't come during a visit. She started with the oldest stepkid and then moved on to the the youngest stepkid. So one by one she alienated me from him and got him to hate me. And this was all happening after being with this new woman for five years. Like after we split up is when each kid really started hating me. Like they were they were not coming to visits for various reasons. Like one year was the oldest had to stay home during summer break because he needed to go to therapy. Well, why can't he do that during the school year? Why can't he go to therapy with me here? Like there's no reason why he needs to stay home. He ended up going to one therapy session and never another one. The second was uh the uh the young youngest stepchild wanted to play baseball during the summer. And I'm like, well, isn't baseball a spring sport? Like, why the hell does he need to stay and play during the summer? Why during my visitations do these things need to keep happening?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:11

And then in 2017, the oldest just wanted to not have anything to do with me anymore, didn't want to talk to me, didn't want to see me, didn't want to um have any visitations anymore. Because like, okay, well, you're not my biological kid. I have to respect your mother's choices here and your choices, I'll I'll back off and I won't force anything. I still was reaching out like with birthday messages and Christmas messages and stuff like that, and um and getting like really angry messages back that I'm not even sure were from any of my kids. I think my ex-wife was grabbing their phone and texting me as if she was them. It's horrible. So I split up with the new woman, and I'm dealing with all this stuff with the kids, and the new woman didn't let me go easy. So, one example of like the worst fucking thing she did to me after we were broken up is she showed up to a place I was DJing with her soon-to-be new husband. She sat across from the booth where I was at, making out and getting fingered under the table and slyly glancing over at me to see if I was watching. Oh my god. And then came up to me after like the bar was closing and was like, Oh, I didn't know you were there. And like, motherfucker, you looked right at me. Wow. Yeah. We made eye contact.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:20

Manipulative as fuck and just toxic, man. Like, what the fuck? Like, yeah, that's some stalker shit too. Like, she's trying to like rub salt in the open wound there and 100%. Because she doesn't go to clubs.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:31

And I wasn't even a regular DJ. I was filling in for a friend. And he had put it up on Facebook that I was going to be there. So she's like, let's go. Wow. Wow. Um and so around 2019-ish is when um my ex-wife got our child to turn away from me. Now, I think in December of 2018 is when I had set up that first appointment with therapy, because I started just realizing, like, okay, I keep choosing these situations. Oh, it's uh I'm I'm choosing shitty people to be in a relationship with, but why am I doing that? Like, I need to figure out what the whole motivating factor is behind why I'm attracted to these kind of people, why I keep settling for somebody that gives me like breadcrumbs of love, and then I'm just trying to satiate myself on nothing nourishing. And also because I was I was pretty convinced, like I'm a cancer on the entire world and the world's probably just better off if I'm dead. But then not being able to go through with it again because all I can think of is like, man, this is gonna fuck up my kid. This is gonna fuck up my kid. Yeah. So uh that's what got me into therapy and uh started pulling up all this shit from childhood that like I had kind of normalized and was like, well, it's not abuse, it's not neglect, it's not, it's just my parents were just angry and they were kids. They didn't know what they were doing. And um, so all this stuff starts coming up and I start having panic attacks, and like I'm having a hard time at the job I'm working at. I just I had started a new job in February of 2019, and and I'm having panic attacks at work and whatnot, and like needing to go off in the corner and like just cry and hyperventilate for a few minutes until I can like try and re-ground myself. And then the owners of that place ended up firing me and telling me it was because of my mental health stuff. So giant illegal fucking move there. You can't fire somebody for mental health issues. No. Well, I'm already distraught and depressed, like, fine, fuck it. Uh I've got nothing to live for. And around this time, I was just about to move out of the place I was living in to move into my van to do kind of the tiny living van life thing. And now I've had have no job, and my kid won't talk to me. And so, like, I'm in the darkest place I've ever been in in my life. I'm living in this tiny Chevy G20 van with my cat and nothing else, and uh I've got no work, I've got no prospects, I can't even get myself out of bed to do anything most days. And damn, brain fart, where was I going with that? You're in the darkest place. Yes. So then COVID hits, right? Oh god, yeah. Jesus, and I'm already in a dark place. So here's the silver lining to all this. I was collecting unemployment from that job that I got fired from. You know what happened when COVID happened to the people that had unemployment? I don't know. I was luckily working. They got an extra six hundred dollars a week. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I remember I was making$900 a week on unemployment. Oh man. A week. Man. So also around December of that year, I had uh finally put in um a request to get VA disability. Uh because I had fucked up my shoulder, I had arthritis in my neck, and um I had complex post-traumatic stress disorder from being married, and on top of my childhood, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which is uh PTSD that happens over a long period of time. Never, it's not just one event that, like, oh, this was a big traumatic thing, like a car accident or something. This is a car accident every day for 15, 20 years, right?

SPEAKER_04 1:17:01

And so which keeps replaying like it replays itself, replays itself.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:05

Yep. Yep. So you can never get out of it, you can never escape, you can never find any solid footing to stand on. So I start collecting this unemployment. I have my appeal in for uh or not the appeal, but I have my uh initial VA disability claim in, and I get that in April and uh 2020, so right after the shutdown happened too. Oh, and the shutdown happened on March 14th when I had tickets to see Tool in fucking Eugene that night, so that concert got canceled. I was pissed.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:36

I saw them not to not to not to interrupt, but I I'm interrupting. Yes, I saw them the night before for the first time in Portland. So I remember I remember that day because like I was I you didn't miss much. I was I I love Tool, but it was the person I went with fell asleep watching them. They were so upset because they were they they put on a great light show, but they didn't have any stage presence. Right. And the next day I went to work and I started telling people about it, and then basically they told everyone at the call center, they're like, You need to go home, you're gonna be working from home, we don't know for how long. And yeah, that we packed up our stuff, and uh then I saw the post that Tool cancelled in Eugene. So crazy, crazy that I remember that. Yeah. All right, keep it, keep going.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:18

Um, so I in April I got uh I was I had like a month and a half or whatever the pandemic assistance unemployment, and then I got my VA uh claim was approved. So they paid me for five months back because they they pay you from when you initially put in the request, and then when they give you a rating, they give you all that back pay. So two different times I open up my bank account and there's thousands of dollars in there, and I'm like, well, where the hell did this come from? That's pretty badass. So I instantly go pull it out, like in case it's some kind of clerical error, right? Like, well, I'll just pay it back later. So I find out, no, this is all good. So then I'm sitting on like eight or nine grand, and then I'm like, okay, well, I got to get out of this van because like this is one of those, it's just a normal van. Like, I can't stand up to change my pants in this thing. Like, I have to be on my knees and then shimmy to my butt to put pants on, and it's it's just tight, it's cramped. And so then I find a uh a short school bus online that's uh basically already decked out on the inside. This guy that owned it, it was an elk hunting vehicle for him and his grandkids. So there's like bunk beds in it, there's a wood-burning stove, there's a nice uh propane stovetop and whatnot. So I'm like, okay, well, it's it's move in ready. I I can buy this. So I bought that thing for like seven grand and then moved into the bus. So it and again, all this time, like I'm not talking to my kids. I'm just trying to trying to find reasons to stay alive. And throughout all this, I'm writing music too for the first time. I mean, I had written some in a band I was in in high school, and then uh when I got into the Air Force, I started joining cover bands and doing the cover band thing because it was like, okay, well, there's money in it. We can make money playing music.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:49

And just to interrupt you, what uh can you share what you do, like what style of music and what instruments you play and and what happened? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:56

Um, so I'm primarily a vocalist, and uh the way I would describe it for years is that I'm a performer first and foremost, I'm a vocalist second, and a musician a distant third. Like love that. I would only pick up I wanted to play guitar because of the Back to the Future thing and the Marty McFly playing, but I didn't get a chance to really take it seriously in high school because uh my parents also grounded me a lot for the smallest infractions. Like one time I was grounded for six weeks for wearing a pair of dirty pants to school they didn't want me to wear to school.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:25

Oh my goodness. That reminded me of I love Small Park, so that just reminded me of Butters.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:29

Oh no, I was totally Butters, 100%. Oh, come on, guys. So uh yeah, and grounded for me meant I wasn't allowed to leave my room except to come down for a meal or to use the restroom. Like I couldn't talk on the phone to anybody, I couldn't watch TV, I couldn't play video games, I couldn't listen to music. So I've got a guitar, but like I can't plug it in because I'm not allowed to play any music or listen to any music. I can't listen to music, so I can't try to figure out songs. You know what? I have it would just be like trying to figure it out from memory.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:56

And so I learned a lot of really bad fundamentals and like couldn't get the passion for the instrument down. So it just kind of became a way for me to facilitate the fact that I wanted to sing. And so I was I would just be like a lumberjack chopping wood on my guitar, not there was no finesse, there was no technical skill at all. I'm just playing cowboy chords and just chuck, chuck, chuckka, chuckka, chuckka. So I could sing and and get those emotions out. Cause that was that was the socially acceptable way that I can feel anger, I can feel rage, I can feel intense sadness, is I could sing these songs that the emotion of that song is that feeling, right?

SPEAKER_02 1:21:32

And yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:33

Um and so hard rock and metal were were the thing that like drew me because that hard rock and metal doesn't shy away from those uncomfortable emotions, right? Like that's where we fucking thrive, that's what we do, and that's it, you know, it became evident to me that like this is therapy for all these people. These aren't just a bunch of angry, like criminals that are out there like trying to destroy the world. No, we're just angry, angry hurt people that want to feel a sense of belonging and a place that we can go out and let those things out and not feel judged or told that we're evil people because like we want to sing about murder or we want to sing about how horrible my heart's broken and I want to die, right? Like um it's it's just a safe place to let out everything that you feel inside without judgment.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:19

And it's a community. It's community. It's like it's you're you're around people that think like you, feel like you, that maybe experience some things like you that you don't feel like like this person wouldn't understand what I just been through. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:32

So yeah, metal and hard rock were that was I mean, it still is. That's that's what I love more than anything. I my listening is more eclectic now, but it's still hard rock and metal will always be the thing that my ears perk up the most for.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:45

Right there for I'm right there with you. I'm just saying, I love everything, but I metal and there's a special place for metal and hard rock and just rock in general for me. It's uh like you said it, you said it perfectly. Like it's uh it's uh where people they don't shy away from their emotions and their hurts and their anger and their pain, their sadness, all of that stuff, and it's the real shit, man. That like that's not uh there's no faking it. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:07

Well, okay, so like disaster piece by Slipknot. You know, I was like, Yes, motherfucker. I was like, that's the most evil line anybody could ever write in a song. This is beautiful. 100%. So yeah, and it was 2017 that I like started dabbling into writing music. I had wanted to do it for years, but I was in cover bands, and the cover bands I was in, they would nobody wanted to write anything original. They just wanted to, no, I just want to learn these songs. I just want to show up and get paid, and I want to go home. Meanwhile, I'm showing up to the venue of these, we're playing bars and shit, right? I'm showing up to the bar four hours early because I have elaborate stages to set up and lights to set up and costumes to change. Like I'm painting myself head to toe in uh acrylic paint and my underwear for a fucking hundred dollar uh a night bar show. Like, I mean, I was getting a hundred dollars, everybody in the band was getting a hundred bucks, but you know, I'm wanting to do these big theatrical performances. So Alice Cooper, Welcome to My Nightmare, that album and that that live show, that blew my fucking mind. And that and what Marilyn Manson was doing in the 90s, like when I was in my teenage years, was like, oh my god, this is how I want to do it. And then years later, I saw Ghost and I was like, these guys are doing it exactly as I want to fucking do it.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:21

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:22

And so the whole time I'm in this band, which was called The Liberated at the time, uh I'm going through tons of different members and I'm just trying to keep the band together so I have that outlet. It's scratching a little bit of the itch of what I want to do, but not quite. Oh, it's I I'm still feeling very unfulfilled this whole time. And so the band played its last show, New Year's Eve, uh 2020 19. And that's when I really, really started focusing on okay, I'm gonna write an album. Um, because I had been dabbling around with Logic Pro on my Mac for just writing stuff and um just trying to exercise those muscles, right? That I I didn't have much experience with and was uh was honestly really, really unconfident that I could write my own stuff. I always thought I needed to have a collaborator because I'm, again, performers and you're a distant third and musician. Who the fuck am I to write any songs? I can barely play any chords.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:11

The best stuff comes from that, man. Like honestly, like I always say this. I always tell people, I'm first an entertainer. I don't consider myself a great vocalist. I'm always working on that, and I know that that's a weakness of mine uh for my singing and for my screaming, but I'm always working on it, but I always tell people, but I am one hell of an entertainer and I push for that. So like I when you said that, I'm like, oh, that's kind of similar to what I how I feel. My philosophy is like I'm an entertainer first, a performer first, and everything else is just comes afterwards.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:39

Right, right. And so you play to your strengths, right? Like that's that's where my strength lies, and I'll I'll I'll work on the weaknesses as I go. So yeah, I uh 2019, it was just okay, well, I'm gonna get a 13-song album done. And I just kept writing music and writing music and writing music for other people too. Like I had a friend from back in Wyoming that was designing one of those porno dating simulator games, and he's like, Hey, I've got this scene where uh you're gonna be in this bar and it's like an Alice in Wonderland themed bar. Can you write me a song that just loops in the background for it? And so I did that, and um and it turned out really cool. When you have no attachment to something and you just throw it out there, like it comes out really good because you're not overthinking it, right? So this song came out really fucking good. That's awesome. And uh and also back to what you were saying earlier, when you limit your palette and your toolbox, you're forced to be more creative, right? Yep. Like if you don't know.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:34

Well, the less you have, the more you can create, it seems like it's really weird. And then the more you have, it seems like you're like, well, fuck. It's like when I go to like a restaurant that has a huge ass menu, like the Cheesecake Factory. Like you have a million pages, a million pages. It's like by the end of the time, like by the end of the when when it comes to ordering, you're like, I don't know what the hell I want. And then you end up ordering something last minute, and then you're not satisfied because you're like, well, I could have gotten this, I could have gotten this, I could have gotten that. But yeah, when you put yourself in a corner limited, I feel like, yeah, you can be a lot more creative.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:03

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:04

Yeah. The choice overload thing is real. Also, I don't know if you found this or not, but like when you have the pressure on you to perform or to create, sometimes I can sometimes I can over-prepare for something, and I love to be like ahead of the curb. But then sometimes I do this to myself because I know it's gonna bring out the best in me. I will wait till the last minute and I'll slack and then the pressure's on, and it's like shit, I have to, I have to write right now on the spot right now when I'm in the studio. Fuck. But then like some of the best shit comes out right then and there, too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:34

Yeah, totally. So you will always leave yourself exactly enough time that you need to get the job done, right? Yep, yep. Uh and and in those high pressure moments, yeah. It's it pushes out the the most important shit because it's it has to be done.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:49

And then it's real, it also is real, it's in that moment. And then that's that stuff stands out because then later you I don't know how you feel about it, but like sometimes when you write something and you don't hear it like I I least for me. When I when I once I put something out, I usually don't listen to it again or revisit it. Uh but then like maybe years later I come it comes back and I'm like, oh shit, I remember exactly where I was at that point. I can smell the air that was around me when I wrote that or when I was a part being a part of that process. And it's just it's crazy what art can do and music and all that can do for you.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:19

No, I absolutely do the same thing. So that one album turned into as I'm writing all this stuff, I couldn't condense it down into these 13 songs I wanted to do. And then I started realizing oh shit, I'm trying to do the Marilyn Manson thing and create a triptych like he did with Antichrist, Mechanical Animals, and Holy and create this narrative that spans three albums. And that's when I decided okay I I've got three albums I'm writing. Each one's going to be 11 songs because um 33 has always been a number that's been big and important to me. And at 33 years old is when uh all that stuff culminated with uh the ex-girlfriend who was showing up while I was DJing and my ex-wife and whatnot and a mushroom trip I was on where like I felt like I'd completely died and was being reborn to build myself back from the foundations. After that relationship with the the girl that showed up while I was DJing, like I didn't know who I was anymore. I had no fucking clue. Um because I had believed everything she told me about myself. And so I realized fuck man what I'm doing here is I'm writing this story of my journey this story of the abuse and the story of the fire that I had to go through and die and then the story of the rebirth. Yeah. So it's like I mean the Phoenix thing is so cliche but that's exactly what it was for me. So this when I I I have all the songs done for all the albums and I have the first one everything's done on it and ready to release my birthday's on Friday and I think that's the day I'm gonna start pushing stuff out and I know you and I have talked.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:51

Yes yes so I'm gonna I'm gonna push this I'm gonna push this uh podcast out next Monday. I'm gonna make it so that we release it next Monday. That's pretty exciting.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:00

Where will you be pushing this out to? So I think I'm gonna throw the whole album on Spotify and then um I think I'm gonna kind of do what you were talking about with the six to eight week release window and just do through YouTube and release different aspects of the content or singles. I haven't figured it out quite yet but like I see how much you're on Facebook and whatnot and I don't want to chase the algorithm like you were talking about.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:23

Like I so don't want to dude I'm limiting myself as it is right now. I'm like I I almost this morning I almost just pulled the plug on all my socials just because I'm so tired of it. But and then I'm like god damn it I have an al I have an album that I'm that we just put out and we have a single coming out next week a new single and video I'm like I I can't I can't do it. But I I am I would love to just completely disappear off social media to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:45

And I'm gonna do it at some point but I did from 2019 to 2023 and then I started playing solo acoustic shows so I was like okay I got to have my Facebook back to start promoting and whatnot. Yeah it's a double edged sword. The only thing I really get on Facebook anymore is to answer your questions of the week and to listen to the podcast and stuff thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:03

Absolutely man I'm excited for your album I'm I I I'm very excited do you have a link already for your Spotify or where people will be able to like on the show I'm gonna make sure and get links from you to um to put on the description of the show but for the listeners as well do you have like a a link that already exists out there for folks to be able to go out and check out the music that you put out on Friday or I don't have anything set up on Spotify yet but it will probably be under the banner of seven year sacrifice.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:31

That's what my YouTube channel is so you can go to YouTube and uh type in seven year sacrifice and that'll actually bring you to a show that I did in 2025 called Kiris's Rock and Roll Variety show. And I did this show I did this show on um uh Valentine's Day because I I've been single for seven years and Valentine's Day is one of those like man fuck you Valentine's Day I don't give a shit so I'm like there's other people that gotta feel this same way so I'm gonna put on a show that's this is for singles like don't come here if you're in a couple this isn't for you. Yep and so I um built this show that was going to be a um mix between live theater film and a rock concert so I I gathered four other performers besides myself and I had them create a character that embodied what loneliness and heartbreak meant to them specifically. Then we went out and shot video packages for everybody. Now these video packages they were going to air as an introduction to their character right before their character would come on stage and sing a song. And then during their song was another video that would play on the big screen behind all of us while they're on stage performing and moving around and acting out everything that's going on. So there's no spoken word during this everything is all through the interpretation of the video and the songs that each performer chose. That's fucking cool. And it it turned out so great. I got about 80% of the ideas I wanted to incorporate into the show into it. I'm working on the second one right now but uh yeah it you and Mariah want to watch it one night like it's it's 80 minutes. I I condensed it down to an 80 minute feature length film and it's on YouTube but it it's it's really unique and like I would love to hear your input on it because I I was so proud of this show to put it out there and like it really hit me like this this is how I'm trying to do my music this is what I'm trying to do. Um because it's I it's allowing people these other performers that I brought in like they weren't they've never played with band before but they all had these deep emotional wounds that like I'm now giving them a platform to go and share that with the world and connect with people and I love that because who knows what they're gonna do from this from that that's gonna sprout out or branch out their own other creative juices.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:40

They're gonna be like this now this person might be become an actress or an actor this other person might become a musician because of that. This other person might be a writer like a painter whatever like you you you doing that inspire is guarantee is going to inspire these people to go out and do other things from this.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:57

So that actually happened with one of the performers we had done this at one of the playhouses here in town and through that through my connection with the playhouse I knew there was auditions coming up and she killed it. She just she wasn't a great singer but like she fucking killed it on stage like her charisma and her stage presence was just fire.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:15

And that's sometimes even better than having the best voice like honestly it really like I am all about passion. Like if I feel the passion if I feel that there's like some drive in there I can overlook the imperfections like fuck imperfections like we're human. Like it's I could care less about that. As long as it's not like screeching like nails on a chalkboard but if I see the passion there and the drive and the hard work I love that shit. I live for that.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:38

Right. And she was I mean that's exactly what it was like she believed everything she was saying. Like you could see it in her eyes when the camera catches her eyes there's like a couple moments where you're like oh fuck like that's intense. And so that got her into acting and then now actually she and I are working on a song. We got it all written and everything last week and she's coming over actually tomorrow to lay down the hopefully the final vocal takes on it. But uh that's so cool to be able to do that for somebody too like she has no musical experience but writes poetry and wants to write music and well I I can facilitate that. So how fucking cool is that that I get to I get to help somebody do something they never dreamed they could ever do. That is really fucking cool.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:18

And it's like it goes back to like when you were at that stage in your life when you were questioning like what's my purpose what's my purpose and then you you mentioned your kids of course your kids are but like like you are doing now music and you are putting music out there that's connecting people you're inspiring people and that just adds to your purpose. It's inspiring to hear your story that you just shared with us and thank you a lot for sharing that kind of stuff because that's that's not something that's easy to talk about and like to reflect on and I I can only imagine that uh even thinking about it still hurts. But I guarantee there's people out there that can relate to that out there that will be listening to this podcast that are going to be able to be like what I'm not alone like Chris was able to do this. I'm gonna do something with my hurt and my pain. And someone that's gone through what you've gone through has a lot to say and has a lot to express and has a lot to share that I think it would be a horrible thing. It'd be a tragedy and a loss if you didn't put the art out there. If you weren't putting out video if you weren't putting out music and putting out lyrics and that kind of stuff that you used from that you're using from the inspiration of of all that you've been through from horrible family living situations and growing up to toxic, chaotic relationships that you've been in and out of because everyone can relate to that. I mean there's the family thing is the family thing everyone can relate to some some to some levels but some of the things you said like where black people are trying to kill you like that we're supposed to be raising you and whatnot that to actually talk to someone that's lived through that. So I I'm glad that you are out there doing something positive and turning this around and your outlook on life is it seems like it's very positive and you always like I said you always have something really great to say and share with our question of the week. Always love hearing from you and I know Mariah was excited when I said that you were going to be a guest and she said to make sure and tell you so hi from Mariah. Well hi Mariah and thank you so much.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:08

Yep is is there anything else that you want to share with the audience here before we wrap it up. I will just add one final thing in closing the twisted part about all this is I'm eternally grateful for everything that happened to me because I couldn't be who I am and doing what I'm doing without it happen.

SPEAKER_04 1:37:24

I love that that is that is so true and and that's a lesson for everyone it's happening to you or happening for you and it's a mindset. I'm like you mentioned earlier it's it's one of those things where it's it's built character, you're stronger for it and you have a purpose to share your story and to create and to help people feel like they're not alone. Like so thank you very much for sharing. Thank you very much for being here. Thank you for contributing to the podcast on a weekly basis. We like I said we love hearing from you and thank you for being on the podcast. Maybe we'll have to have you on again and maybe we talk some more stuff. Well I could I could talk for days about all this stuff. So I would all right well thank you so much Kiris may everyone out there please go check out Curious's music on YouTube and on Spotify. We'll have the links in the show description once Kiris shares that with us and make sure you support follow and do you care if people follow you on social media on on your platforms if we include that in your the links.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:19

Yeah go go ahead uh Kiris Music on Facebook a seven year sacrifice on YouTube and I'm sure it will be seven year sacrifice on Spotify. I'll be setting that up this week I love it.

SPEAKER_04 1:38:28

Thank you so much for being on the show. Thanks Cody and that is the end of segment number two with my guest Kiris Amberborn please go check out Kiris's music I'll have links in the description below thank you all for sticking around and listening to the podcast big shout out to our monetary contributors again that's Eric Sheets and my friend King John as he refers to be called so shout out to them as a reminder to everyone this podcast does cost money to upload to do the editing software to use it all that time aside from the time that it takes us to do this. So we do appreciate anyone and everyone that can contribute to it. There are links for you to contribute whatever amount you feel is appropriate or you can afford um that's always encouraged. But if you can't again we are just thankful that you guys listen to us thank you very thankful for you guys contributing to the questions of the week and getting your insights on everything. So a big shout out to all of you who support us in one way shape or form or another. Keep listening and I am always looking for new guests so if you are interested in being a guest on this podcast please email theliquidshape podcast at gmail.com tell me a little bit about what you plan to talk about and let's make it happen. We'll schedule a time that uh we can do this over audio online because we don't everyone always thinks I think that we meet in person. For these we don't meet in person it's done it's done through the web so that's why I can get guests from all over the world and I'm excited about that that uh it's it's open to that. With that being said guys that is the end of the podcast this week thank you so much for sticking around listening to us and supporting us and we will see you next week.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:07

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