Unlearning the Need to Be the Best Friend

This episode is me talking through how I learned to be the "best friend" at a young age - not because it was my nature, but because belonging felt conditional.  Being placed into a new environment as a child taught me that connection came from trying harder and showing up more.  What started as survival slowly became a way of being.  It became how I moved through friendships without even realizing it.   This isn't about losing myself - its about recognizing a learned behavior and unlearning what I no longer need to carry. 

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Transcript

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This is unfiltered everyday Shit. I'm India Sherelle. This podcast is a space for real conversations about life as it's actually happening. The good, the bad, and everything in between. It's unfiltered, it's honest, and it's apologetic. So let's talk about it. Welcome. I'm India Sherelle, and this is unfiltered Everyday Shit. Before I began, I want to note that what I'm sharing is based on my viewpoint, my experiences, my real time life. I am not speaking for anyone else, just how it affected me. This space is for reflection and conversation, not agreements. So I'll set the stage around about fifth grade, I guess I'm about 10. Oh, and I was taken, taken from something that was familiar to me. Family, friends. And I was placed in this environment that I knew. No one, no tools, no preparation, no emotional guidance. Everyone else that was in this new environment was born in this environment. I wasn't. I was the outsider and making friends wasn't easy. Adults welcomed my mom, but kids were different. Kids are fickle. Kids are mean. My mom was flourishing. Life genuinely got better for her and I was happy for her, but we were in the same space having two completely different experiences. I was struggling to make friends. I felt like I needed to try harder. I must be doing something wrong. So I did what I knew. I tried harder. I worked to prove how good of a friend I could be, and this is where the best friend. Loyal friend. Identity began. I did make friends. It wasn't all bad, but every deep connection got removed. First friend gone, second close friend removed from the congregation and from my life each time back to square one starting over. Emotionally, I was always comfortable with older people and I love conversations and learning. Win-win. Talking with adults, playing with their kids, the best of the environment. My only problem was when the adults didn't do right, they had to leave and so did the bonds. But I had this one friend, Lisa, I thought she was a friend of the family's. And I enjoy calling her and talking to her. She was only a few years older than me, but I'll never forget that one day I received that phone call from her. She called to tell me that I should find friends my own age, but that she wasn't My friend in that moment hit hard 'cause I couldn't understand why, what was wrong with me, that she couldn't be my friend. She was actually a friend with one, someone I knew that was just a year older than me, so I kept trying to see what was the difference between her and me. I never shared that experience with anybody. I just dealt with it inside. But what I learned is I started searching for friends on the outside. I would look for cues If they were part of that religion, I knew I could be their friend that my mama would approve. So I worked hard at building connections with people, why? Because friendships are important to people. That's that age. I was a young girl, and bonds and friendships are important. But that pattern of keep showing people how good of a friend I was, the over nurturing friendships, overextending being the one who called all the time, checked in. I helped all the connections together as I got older, and especially in high school, I continue that same pattern. They in the religion, I knew I could be their friend mom would approve and that would be the end of that. But those relationships didn't last either. 'cause when I stop overextending, they disappear to this is a heavy thing for a child to carry when you're still learning life, still learning how to navigate emotions, and no one is really showing you how, at least no one was showing me. I grew up caring all of this, and now as adult, I'm doing the work of unlearning it. It's not easy, but it's doable. I will be okay. I am a nurturer. That's my nature. I care about people. I love helping others, but I've learned I don't have to overextend myself to do that. I don't have to earn connections. A friend once asked me, why do you always have to be the best friend? Why are you so good to people when they aren't good to you? And that hit me like a ton of bricks. That's the moment I stopped. That's the moment I stopped making calls to people. That's the moment I stopped doing check-ins, and that's the moment I haven't heard from a lot of those people. Again, Being the good friend became exhausting. I started realizing friendships only exist because I kept them alive. But I don't have to chase connections anymore. I'm free from being the best friend. I will leave you with this question. If you were a child who learned early, that connection only came from trying harder or being better, how might that affect the way you show up in friendships today? This podcast is just freedom. This is me. It is an outlet. It's a voice. It's somewhere I can just speak freely. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for listening.