How to Build Deep Friendships as an Adult

The Belonging Podcast by Elev8 Villages with Cullen Wallace | 016

This episode of the Belonging Podcast is a deeply honest and powerful conversation about loneliness, mental health, and what it truly means to belong.

Cullen Wallace shares his life growing up in Alaska, the importance of deep friendships, and the reality of struggling silently. From dealing with depression and vulnerability to finding “3AM people," the kind of friends who truly show up. This episode is filled with raw truth and life-changing insights.

In this episode, we explore:
• What belonging really means in life
• Why most people feel alone (even when they’re not)
• The importance of having “3AM people”
• Mental health struggles and opening up
• How to build deep, honest friendships
• Learning to be present and value time
• Finding purpose during difficult seasons

If you’ve ever felt lost, disconnected, or unsure of your path, this conversation is for you. You are not alone.

Check out “Today’s Thought Worth Thinking About” and follow Cullen here:
https://www.facebook.com/cullenwallacerealtor
https://www.instagram.com/cullenwallace.fairbanks/

Learn More About Elev8 Villages:
Website: https://www.elev8villages.org/
Download your FREE Belonging Kit: https://www.elev8villages.org/FREEkit

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

OR DIAL 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

This podcast exists because we believe belonging is not a luxury. It’s a human need. Every story shared here helps us imagine a world where no one has to walk alone. 

If this conversation resonated with you, please follow, rate, or share the show with someone who might need it today. To learn more about the movement we’re building (or to get involved) visit Elev8Villages.org.

Thank you for joining us for this episode of The Belonging Podcast by Elev8 Villages - where belonging becomes a place we build together. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome to the Belonging Podcast by Elevate Villages. I'm your host, Melissa Kay, and today we have with us as a guest Mr. Colin Wallace from out in Alaska. Colin, welcome to our podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Thank you, Melissa. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_04 0:18

Um, I understand that you grew up in Alaska with a relatively large family.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I did. There were uh there were five kids. My parents moved here in the early 70s. They drove here with a station wagon, five little kids, and they pulled a toe behind camper and moved up here from Dallas.

SPEAKER_04 0:34

What was that like for you? And what do you feel shaped you into who you've become?

SPEAKER_00 0:40

That's a great question. And it's a difficult question to answer because we didn't know any better. That was life. That's how you grew up. But as you get older and you're exposed to other people, you travel around and talk to people grow up in different areas, you realize how unique and special growing up here was. Fairbanks is became isolated. We're 300 miles away from any community of any other size.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Not only do you know everybody, but everybody knows your business. We joke that uh in business now as an adult, you're not five degrees with someone, you're three or less away from anyone you want to meet. So that way it's it's nice. But the other way is you know, everybody knew who you were and everyone knew what you were into. Growing up, you know, we did things like when I was 15, 16, 17 years old, we would take multiple-day float trips and go fishing. Um, you know, put in one spot and float down the river and be gone for three or four days and just camp out on the riverbank. And that's just how we grew up.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Um, you know, in the wintertime, we take strips out to people's cabins and go out for three or four days and stay out in a cabin. And people, you were 15 and did that? Yeah. So just what we did. I don't know. Um the family owns interesting. We were extremely close family. Sunday dinner was Maditroite, Mom and Dad's house. You, you know, we all gathered for Sunday dinner. We were very close family, even in age-wise, from the oldest to the youngest, is only eight years. We were very close. Uh, my dad didn't come from the best home life. And so he went the other extreme, and and family was was everything. Um and then when you get older, you realize that you you get to pick your family. I've been in in therapy a few different times. Uh, I tend to be an overthinker and overanalyzer. One of the things I I commented my therapist on uh was I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to prove I belong to a club I'm not sure I want to belong to. Um, meaning my older siblings. Um, you know, I have three older brothers who they cut a pretty wide path and I kind of followed suit but wasn't never really sure that's what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be.

SPEAKER_04 2:37

I think it's really interesting that you brought up, wow, I might have been trying to belong to a club that I didn't want to belong to. So I think in the work that I've done around belonging, when I started belonging felt like a like you always want to belong.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

Right.

SPEAKER_04 2:52

But there are places we don't want to belong. You know, I think that culturally, a lot of people think family is blood thicker than water. Right. From my experience, that hasn't been true.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

One of the things I wrote about was about those two different families, the one you're born into and the one that you choose. And when you're young, you have your friends, but you rely on your family. And then when you get older, those two things switch. You always have your family you were born into, but you rely on the people that you picked. And that's who you go to when you're in when you're in trouble and when you're struggling and you have a need. You go to the people you picked, you don't go to your siblings anymore. And that's it's kind of funny how that at some point in life, those two swap places.

SPEAKER_04 3:40

What a great observation. Who who do you think helped you when you were most alone and everything was uncertain?

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Um, my two closest friends, one of them has been in my life since I was six years old, and the other ones have been in my life since I was 10. And we have been close friends, you know, all that time. I know that's very rare, but those people have been there, and we've always stayed in contact. I have a group of people that I call my 3 a.m. people. And I think we all need that. And those are the people that I know if I'm really struggling with something, I can call them at 3 a.m. and they're gonna answer the phone. And the first question is gonna be, what do you need from me? How can I help you? And I think that's important to find those people. For me, it's been easy because I've had these two guys in my life for so long. But as we get older, it's really hard because we don't want to seem vulnerable and it's hard to open up to new people and and create those kinds of deep relationships.

SPEAKER_04 4:40

How so are these two people from growing up, are they your 3 a.m. people or do you have different three aims?

SPEAKER_00 4:47

I've been part of it, but then I have a guy that I've only known for about three and a half or four years. But we've developed a very strong friendship with each other and very deep relationship. And um he's one of one of the other things I think is important with that group is not only there for you, but they're also the people that are honest with you. It's loving, it's kind, but it's honest. And having what we call fierce conversations to be able to say, hey, you know, well, listen, this is coming from love. You know I love you. But I need to tell you something. I'm watching what you're doing, and I gotta ask, what are you doing? What are you thinking? I'm asking as your friend who cares about you, why are you doing this? And having those kinds of relations, and that's also something that's hard because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings and we don't want to come across as being preachy or judgy. But you know, it's if you really love someone, you have to be able to have those kinds of conversations together.

SPEAKER_04 5:47

So, how have you, or your 3 AMers, how have you built a relationship where you can be that honorist and that vulnerable and still be there for each other?

SPEAKER_00 5:59

I think you have it in the back of your mind that, you know, I'm I need someone like this in my life. And and I that level of relationship has to be reciprocal. So you have to be their 3 a.m. person too. Right. It can't just be you dumping on someone all the time. It has to be both sides of it. And I think the biggest part of it is it's it being the first one to be vulnerable, being willing to be vulnerable. And don't, again, it's when we're kids, it's easy to make friends because you're all in the same phases of life and you're kind of going along the same path together. And as an adult, it's it's much harder because everyone's life is so different. They have a spouse and they have kids and they're moving and they've got job problems. And so you're not traveling the same path together. And we have a tendency to think, especially when we're struggling, we have a tendency to turn inward. We think no one has ever had it as bad as we are. We know that isn't true. You know, if we just sit down and think just for even 30 seconds, we can come up with at least five people we know of who have a worse situation than we have. But in that moment, we think, oh, no one's ever dealt with what I'm dealing with right now. And you feel bad about bringing that to someone of going, hey, Melissa, I'm struggling. I can I talk to you about something? And we're we're we're afraid to open up to people because we're afraid how they're going to respond. And someone has to take that first step. The first time is hard. Second time is a little easier, but still hard. And the more you do it, the more it gets to be a relationship. And you know, my 3 AMRs, if when we're together, we're starting to get into these conversations about, hey, what's going on with you? How you doing? Don't give me that unfine. I don't want to listen to that garbage. I know you're not fine. Let's talk about what's going on with you. What's happening? How are we doing? And and you build it over time, but it starts with one of you being willing to be vulnerable with the other one.

SPEAKER_04 7:57

I think having 3 a.m. people is a high-level human skill that you've developed. I feel like shame comes into that. Like, oh, if I tell them I don't know this or I'm struggling with this, their image of me is going to be shattered.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

You know, I've been in therapy three different times. Every time it helps me a ton. I'm always grateful I'm there. But even having gone through it that many times, it's still every time I think about going back again, I have to talk myself into going because you got nothing to complain about. If you have time to complain, you don't have enough to do. Go find something else to do. Go be busy. But we get sold that at a young age, and we continue that in our head that I should know this, I'm embarrassed, I don't want to say this because I don't want my friends to know that I don't know this stuff. I don't want my friends to know that I'm I'm feeling vulnerable. I don't want my friends to know I don't have life figured out. But if you don't have those conversations, you're never gonna move forward. Because you're not gonna figure it out on your own. You've got to have people that help you along. And it's it's someone who puts their arm around you and just says, Hey, Melissa, it's gonna be okay. I don't know either. But you know what? We're gonna walk the path together, we'll figure it out. I don't know what the whole road looks like, but I know the next step is here, and you and I are gonna walk this together, and then we'll figure out the next step after that. Um, but yeah, without having you expressing to me that you need that, I'm not no longer gonna be, hey, I'll put my arm around you and let's take a walk. I need to know that you need help. And you have to be willing to put your fear aside, to put your embarrassment aside, put your shame aside, and say, hey, uh, I need someone to help me. And it's hard. I know it's hard. It's really hard. Um, you know, we've talked about some of my my medical past and being able to raise your hand and go on, hey, I'm having a hard time here. It it took me two years to admit to my now ex-wife, my wife at the time of what I was going through because I didn't, I was afraid of what it said about me. And I didn't want to admit that I was having problems.

SPEAKER_04 10:01

Can you remember the first time, maybe it was during this health scare, what did it feel like when you were going to be really vulnerable with someone and you didn't know what their response was gonna be?

SPEAKER_00 10:14

Well, yeah, you know, two things come to mind. One was when I finally discussed with my wife what I was dealing with, and she called me out because she noticed something was wrong. Okay, and I had to tell her what was going on. And then she said, Well, how long has this been going on? Well, almost two years now. It was from brain injuries. I thought I was losing my mind. Uh I thought I was going crazy. And um I remember we were having a conversation about it, and one of my closest friends had is dealt with paranoid schizophrenia and has been hospitalized for it a couple of times. And I made the comment, my fucking show because we had it. Why are why don't you talk to people about this? And I said, because what am I gonna say? You know, that I'm I'm losing my mind, that I feel my my grip on reality is is lead is leaving me and I'm no longer living in the in the world that really exists. I I don't want people to think I'm crazy. Um and then um going through what I was going through with my health. I got very depressed. I've had a wonderful life. Um I came from a very good family, I have wonderful friends, I've done a lot of great things, and I've I've had a a very wonderful life. This is the first time I really dealt with this level of issues that I was starting to feel depressed and feeling hopeless and feeling there were no answers and no solutions, and I got suicidal. And that is another conversation you don't want to have with people and tell them that you're thinking about these things. But in the course of that, in feeling what is my life worth, does it matter? If I were gone tomorrow, would it matter to anybody that I'd ever been here? And in the course of those kinds of thinking, I reached out and started doing a lot of reading, started listening to a lot of podcasts, a lot of things on growth and potential and development and and mindsets. And that helped me a ton, realizing that we feel alone, but we're not. And I think if you sit down in a room of 30 people, if everyone was given truth, sir, when you got honest, and you how many people feel like this, there'd be 29 hands going, yep, that's me. But we put on this big brave front of, no, no, I'm fine, I'm good. I don't have the but I don't do that problem. I'm good. But we're not. And once you kind of realize that you're not in this alone, it makes it easier to have those conversations because, you know, your besties and being more open with them, they're probably having the exact same thoughts run through their head that you're having run through yours. Not just wanting to connect deeper, but your anxieties, the things you worry about, things that stress you out, they are probably going through the exact same stresses and they're afraid to open up their mouth and admit it as well.

SPEAKER_04 13:10

So, how do you create a safe space? Be honest and be vulnerable and ask for help?

SPEAKER_00 13:17

The two guys I was talking about earlier, pardon the language, but they'll call me out of my shit. Yeah, one of them in particular, the one I've known the longest, he is very direct and very honest of. If I start telling him something he knows is not right, stop. You're lying to me and you're lying to yourself, so stop. No, I'm not gonna list that bullshit. That's not true, and you know it's not true, so no. Let's back up and tell me again what you're dealing with. And don't give me the bullshit answer. Give me what you what are you dealing with?

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

And I I think you know that that comes from knowing each other well. And that comes from having, but uh, like I said, we we talked about these being fierce conversations. The one I've known that's been alive for like three and a half years. I said I moved back to Alaska and helped my father. He died last year. Um, and we were very close.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

It was really hard on me. Um, but uh I didn't know what else to do, so I didn't working, I just kept busy. Um, and then like took off with my little dog Charlie, and we went on a 11-week drive around America. And one of the places I went to see this this friend Brock, and we we know each other online. That's it. We had never met face to face. And uh when I went to see him, and he just the morning I was leaving, he just sat me down and we had that. He was, what are you doing with your life? What you did to help your dad was very admirable. But your dad's gone. What are you doing? You you're just kind of drifting along, waiting for something else to happen. And you know, I'm telling you, as your friend who loves you and cares about you, what are you doing? Um, it was the jolt I needed to get myself back into my life. And you know, since then a lot of things have happened, a lot of good things have happened, things are progressing forward with my life, and I'm very happy with how things are going. But if Brock hadn't had that conversation with me, I don't know that I would have.

SPEAKER_04 15:08

When he called you out, did he do something in a way like I love having these honest, what you call fierce conversations? I love that. But that day when he was with you and he was like, What are you doing, man? Your dad's gone. How did he do that, or how did you receive that to where you could take it and actually be vulnerable with him?

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Uh well, I think my experience with other friends helped frame that because I knew it was coming from love. It wasn't coming from, you know, it's not someone which I think you have to be careful of about being preachy. Yeah when your friends open up to you and say, hey, you know, I'm having a hard time with this, the last thing they need is you go, well, I had to tell you. I told you that was gonna happen.

SPEAKER_04 15:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

You know, um definitely. And and for and for those that are are spiritually inclined, you know, it's what Job calls is miserable comforters. We have a lot of people who love to see us down. Uh they take great joy in us being down. Um, but having those people that because I have friends like that in my life that I still have, when you connect with someone like we had in a short period of time, I knew he was speaking to me as someone who cared about me as a person. He wasn't trying to talk to me about, you know, I'm better than you. Um, you know, I'm gonna tell you what all things are doing wrong with your life. It wasn't like that. It's just, hey, I'm concerned about you because I'm your friend and I care about you. What are you doing? And, you know, and and you also have to be okay, you also have to be okay with the answer, as long as it's the honest answer. Meaning, if I had to said, hey, you know what, I'm not ever, I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, okay. I don't understand it. I'm still your friend, I still care about you. I'm still here if you need me, but I don't understand what you're doing right now, but it's your life. You gotta live it the way you want to live it. Um it can't be conditional because people pick up on that too. I mean, if if you don't like the answer I give you and we're no longer friends, it's kind of hard to open up and be vulnerable with you. I can't be honest with you, but I'm worried about how you're gonna react to the answer I give you.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

That's good.

SPEAKER_04 17:20

That's good. So the thing we really explore in this podcast is the idea of belonging, the feeling that you matter, you're seen, you're not alone in this world. And it sounds like Brock provided that for you. But if we just say belonging, what does that mean to you? And how can we help other people feel belonging?

SPEAKER_00 17:46

One of the buzz of words that's gone around the last several years that I really like is your tribe. You find your tribe, you find your people. And more importantly, you find the people that aren't your people, and you have to be willing to cut them out. And that's hard to do also as an adult, because then you start to worry, it's like be it's like being in a romantic relationship that isn't working for you anymore, but you're afraid to end it because all you think about is I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. And so you sit in misery instead of opening yourself up to opportunities that something might be better out there. So you stay in misery. And we do the same thing with our friends. We have people that we know are not people we should have in our lives. We know they're not good for us. But we're afraid if I if I lose those friends, I won't have any other friends. And so you have to get over that fear because you will have other friends. We put the people in our lives in three categories. They're the people that when you die, they'll see your virtually paper, go, I think I know who that is. And then you have the people who read your rich, oh, that's too bad. He was a nice guy. And then you have those people that will fly across the country to attend your funeral or your wake.

unknown 18:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

Um but we only have capacity for so many people in that a group. And we let people in our a group who aren't a people because we're afraid that we're not gonna find someone else. And you have to get rid of those people to let new people come in. We we just have to open up space for them. I've got people that I still enjoy when I see them, I still enjoy talking with them, but I'm not gonna spend a whole lot of time with them because the path they're on is not a path I want to be on, and they're not someone who I want to trust with my life. So it's fine that we see each other and say hello and how are you, but that's as far as the relationship's ever gonna go.

SPEAKER_04 19:36

I'm remembering a post you wrote about time, that time is the most precious thing we can give another person. When do you feel most present with people?

SPEAKER_00 19:50

The one rule I have is be where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to be doing. And, you know, the other phrase you hear a lot is be where your feet are. You know, when you and I are talking, this is this is my attention. I'm not looking at my phone, I'm not checking email, I'm not worrying about what's going on here, you know, and we do this to ourselves in our business life and our in our home life. When we're at work, all we think about is home. When we're at home, all we're thinking about is work. And if if you can categorize that and just say, hey, you know, I'm present, I'm here in the moment. If one of the things that was really hard for my father when I was living with him, and he passed at 89, he he started to lose that independence, and he felt like he was having to rely on people, and it was really hard on him. Um I was I lived with him for about six months before it dawned on me. This is the first time it's just he and I just the two of us.

unknown 20:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

And there's a river that runs through Fairbanks, and uh, his condo was on the river and had a nice deck, and we go sit on the deck after dinner a lot. And some nights we'd have deep conversations, some nights we'd talk about business stuff, some nights we just sit and watch the river run. But those are the moments I remember because we were present with each other. And I think when back to your question, when someone wants to spend time with us, be present with them. Even if it's five minutes, give them five minutes of your undivided attention of I'm with you, I'm locked in, it's you and me. And I think that's also how you build these these vulnerabilities is you know you have my attention. I'm listening to you. I'm locked in with you. And in my business, it's one of the things I tell my clients all the time is I'm not tethered to my phone. When I'm with the client, I'm with my client. My phone is in the car. It's not with me. Because you have my undivided attention, which also means when I'm with another client, they have my undivided attention. So and I think that's important with all of our relationships. And yeah, I do think time, you know, it's one thing we can't ever replace. When it's we've used it, it's gone. If you want to, if you say, hey, I'd like to talk to you about something, okay, it's hot. You have my attention. What do you what is it I can help you with?

unknown 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

That's beautiful. I do think that presence opens the door of belonging.

SPEAKER_04 22:18

Like I'm, you know, we can never get time back. We can't make more of it. We don't even know how much we have. And so to choose to just sit here in a space with someone and like just really be there. That's really profound. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

And the and the presence thing is, like I said, so like with my dad, so we didn't even need to talk.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Just being in that, being with that person and just sharing the moment with them. You know, and we think about we think one of the things I was life is like the day. We all stop and watch the sunrise, and we all like to stop and watch the sunset. And we run through all the rest of it. And we live a life where we we we celebrate birth and we honor death and we rush through all the rest of it. And if someone wants to just sit with me and and watch the day, let's just sit and watch the day. It's okay. So we're just present with each other. Um if you want to talk, we can talk. If you just want to sit, we can just sit. I'm okay with that too. You want to spend time with me, you're giving me the greatest gift you have.

SPEAKER_03 23:38

Yeah. What a beautiful space it is when when you create that for someone.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Right.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

Let's shift a little bit. I happen to know that you are becoming a first-time author.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Right.

SPEAKER_04 23:54

How does that feel?

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Well, and that's you know, that's one of these things that came out of the conversation with Brock. Um I I write every day. How this got started was when I was going through my health scare and I started doing a lot of reading and exploring into mindset and growth and all that stuff. I read something that really resonated with me, and I just posted online. And people responded to it. So I kept doing it. And I got to where it's just my thought. And I titled today's thought worth thinking about. I started doing it for me. It was therapy for me because I was reading stuff and I just shared it with people. It's still therapy for me. Um, but it also is a beast that needs to be fed. I always try and phrase everything in we and us because I think there's so much commonality in all these things. Um, I I think if if you took me as a 60-year-old man living in Fairbanks, Alaska, and set me down with a 30-year-old woman from Kenya, and we sat down and talked for an hour, we would and gotten really honest with each other, most of about 90% of our lives are the same. The things that we worry about, we stress about, and we and we feel angst about, it's the same. And so there's so much commonality we have. And I think that's part of how you connect with people by saying, hey, you know what? I know what you're thinking because I think the exact same thing. I'm going through exactly what you're going through. So I started doing these posts, and I've had people that DM me and go, hey, I read your stuff every day. I was working in this real estate office, and after a sales meeting one day, this woman came over to me. I knew her just to say hello. That was it. We never said a word to each other except hello. She came over to me and she goes, Can I hug you? And I said, Sure, and I'm a hugger. So she said, Can I hug you? I'm like, She gave me a hug. And she says, I read your stuff every day, and I give it to my two teenage daughters to read. I had no idea she ever even looked at my stuff. She'd never connected with me online at all. But she's no, she goes, I read it every single day and I make sure my kids read it too. So a lot of people encourage me to write a book. And I'm a guy from Fairbanks, Alaska. I mean, who I'm not Tony Robbins, who am I to write a book? And that was one of the things Brock talked to me about. He's like, you know, you have talked about this. People have encouraged you. I've encouraged you. What are you waiting on? You have you connect with people. People like what you have to say. They need to hear what you have to say. Why aren't you putting it out there for people to have? Stop being afraid to live your life. And that was the that was honest. I was afraid to live my life. I was making all kinds of rationalizations and excuses of why I shouldn't do this. And now I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_04 26:37

Good job. Good job. Do we know yet when your book comes out?

SPEAKER_00 26:41

We're hoping to have it out by the first part of May.

SPEAKER_04 26:44

First part of May, okay. Um I wrote a book back in 2012. And it was such an um exercise in knowing yourself or knowing myself. And also like talk about vulnerability. Once you write and then other people read it and start commenting and start editing, ooh, that can be uh that can be a vulnerable and uh and fragile time. When you hold that book in your hands for the first time, it's a it's a good feeling.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

One of the things is now this book is coming to fruition, is is reaching out to people that know me really well and saying, hey, would you be willing to write a little word for the back of the book?

SPEAKER_01 27:24

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

And they also I I'd be I'm I'm shocked you asked me. Of course I would. We're talking about being vulnerable. It was hard for me to ask them that. It's like, hey, I feel really awkward asking this, but would you be willing to? And they're like, of course I would. I'd be honored to talk about you. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 27:46

People love to serve as much as they love to be served.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Right.

SPEAKER_04 27:51

Would you be willing to go with me into a little bit of a future problem-solving mindset? There are so many people today that are struggling silently with mental health, with identity issues, with not knowing their purpose. What do you think we're missing as a society when it comes to supporting people as they go through their heavy seasons?

SPEAKER_00 28:16

Well, I think there are a couple things. One is uh I think it's this is an easy target, but that doesn't mean it's not true. Mainstream media and social media have created a very distorted view of reality for a lot of people. We're seeing a Disneyland version of people's lives, and that isn't their life. Um and I think deep down we all know that comparing ourselves to other people is a fool's errand. But we all do it anyway. You all think, oh God, they got it so easy. I wish I if only I had their life, my life would be so easy. Right. Well, you don't know is they're dealing with anything you're dealing with. If you stacked everyone's problems up in a pile together and you saw what people are really dealing with, you pick yours back up again. Um and so uh I think that's part of it is we we look at what we see on screens and think that's reality. And we think we're failing and we're falling behind and we're missing life. You're not. And you know what's up there is not real, you know that, but we all do it. Um, so I think that's part, I think the first thing we have to do is we have to admit that part of it first. And then I think the other part is we are afraid to be vulnerable with other people. And uh the the best example I can use is when I went to lunch with this guy who'd been a longtime family friend, and he's an attorney by almost any measure we have of modern society, Don's very successful.

unknown 29:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:55

Don and I went to lunch, I had a very nice lunch, and I got home. My wife said, Well, how was your lunch with Don? I said, Well, it dawned on me, he knows nothing about real estate.

unknown 30:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

And she goes, Well, why would he? He's not involved in real estate. I go, No, but what dawned on me was all the things we don't know in life that we think we should know. I said, like, for example, if you ask me as your husband, do we have enough life insurances of the right kind? I'm gonna tell you yes. Is it? I have absolutely zero idea. I don't know. I bought what the guy told me we needed, and that's what I got. Is it right? Should we be in something else? Should we have more? Should we have less? I have no idea because I don't know how all that stuff works. And for me and how I grew up having a father that I respected and admired more than anyone I've ever known. I absolutely adored my father. I thought my dad knew everything. He knew all these things. I don't know any of it. How did I not learn anything from him when he had all the answers to everything? But then I also came to a point in my life when I realized that he's just a man like anybody else. He's just as flawed, he makes as many mistakes, he was stumbling in the dark as much as I am. He didn't have all the answers. But I thought he did. And I think we get that when we look at other people and go, God, they got life so easy, and I'm the only one who's struggling. And you're not. We're all struggling. But I think it's hard to open up and admit that. And it's I've been in therapy three times and I've always gotten a lot out of it. It's always made my life better. But I struggle every time I want to go back, I struggle for a couple of months talking myself into going, even though I know it's gonna help me. I struggle going back there because I'm afraid about what it says about me and admitting I have a problem. And I think that's really hard for us to do.

SPEAKER_04 31:53

We were raised in the cultures of if something was wrong, you got a big red X and you just wanted to get everything right.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

I think what you just said is really important. I went to a conference years ago, uh real estate conference, and one of the speakers in a breakout session, it's one of these high, really high-level coaches. I mean, you've got to be making a lot of money before this guy will even take you on as a client. And someone asked the question of, do you think there's a common trait that you've noticed of people that you work with? And he said, Yeah, absolutely. There's one common trait that all my all my successful clients have. And he said, I think this is true of all successful people in any walk of life, whatever they do, people that are really successful are curious. You have to be curious. And having that, wow, that is so interesting. All the fields that you, you know, when we were kids growing up, I had no idea that your job existed. Right? And very few of us are living the the profession that we thought of when we were kids. I'm fascinated to find out how you got here. And just being curious with each other and how to be open to have a conversation of tell me about that. How did you get here? And I I think I think, yeah, that curiosity, I think, is is so massively important in life.

SPEAKER_04 33:18

Yeah, that's good. So I'm gonna continue with my curiosity and ask you. So with Elevate Villages, um, we're early on in the process, so we have a lot to learn. Um, but we're looking to build actual villages, they'll just be with very smaller, tiny homes for youth who've aged out of foster care. So 20,000 plus a year will turn 18 and get dumped somewhere without ever having a stable upbringing. A lot of them probably haven't finished high school, definitely don't have cars, probably don't have jobs. So we're looking to build communities so that we can give them resources and help them feel safe and get them to where they can then have opportunities to let their greatest gifts come to the world instead of you know struggling and being in poverty or incarcerated their whole life. So you seem to have very high like emotional intelligence and relational intelligence and relational capabilities. So thinking forward to elevate villages, like what would be one of the most important things in order to create a community where people are probably are still struggling, but will feel like they belong and have that safe space to learn to grow themselves and heal what needs to heal for them to move forward.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

Wow. Um, first off, I had a a guy that I went to middle school with that we were good friends, and and he was in the foster system. And after ninth grade, Gene left, and I have no idea what happened to him. And I know just because we were friends, I know some of the stories that he told about being in a good place versus not good place. Um I grew up in an environment where all my friends came from two-parent homes. When I started coaching young athletes, dealing with kids who came from single-parent homes and dealing with the dynamics that sometimes go on between uh parents who don't get along with each other and are using kids as ammunition with each other. And you know, that was a foreign world to me. I had no idea how that thing even worked. And trying to wrap my head around how to to deal with the kids and try and help them nurture and grow in that. Um, and so having a lot of empathy. And when I was in Seattle, I helped out with a group down there because I had no idea. I didn't never thought about it. When the kid turns 18, he gets turned out. I was like, what do you mean? Yeah. Yeah, he's out. Well, what happens to him? Well, that's why we're here. We're safety net to try and help them uh figure out life. So back to your question, I think having mentors around, having people that are in the that kind of lack of a better term, run the run the village, your your elders, you guys are all running through this together. What you're feeling right now and what you're thinking about, you say there's a hundred residents here. The other 99 are thinking exactly the same thing you're thinking. And that I think that's where that's where we really start to to spiral down is we feel alone. We don't feel a connection. We don't feel no one understands what I'm going through. And I think what you're building is phenomenal because unlike anywhere else, if you take that 19-year-old and put them in any other situation, they absolutely feel alone because no one knows what I dealt with, no one knows what I am dealing with, no one knows what I'm thinking about for the future. But you put them in that kind of environment, everyone in there is thinking the exact same thing you are. You're all in this together. And it makes it easier for you to connect with people if you're willing to do it. And that's again, it's hard. It's hard to raise your hand and go, hey, I I I need a 3 a.m. person.

SPEAKER_04 37:14

Right. Because I mean, these these youth, when they come out, they have no one. They don't have one 3 a.m. person, they don't have a person. Most of them don't even have an adult's phone number in their phone that would answer at 3 p.m., let alone 3 a.m.

SPEAKER_00 37:27

Right. Um, I you know, uh they're not comparable, but I I when I was coaching kids out there, I coached a group of excuse me, a group of 12-year-olds. And one of these kids, um, his home life was not good. Uh, it was it was really bad. And i it caused him to have a lot of issues as well. And finally came a point where I just said, no, I'm sorry, I I've got 18 other kids to worry about. I can't spend all my time with you, so you're going to have to separate from the group. Um, and I would see the kid around the hockey after that, and he was always, hey coach, how are you doing good? And we always maintained a good relationship with each other. And then when he was 17, he'd gone to court and got emancipated from his parents. And he was living with his older sister, and he came to me and he said, Hey, he goes, Can I play for you again? I said, Yeah, but you know the rules. I mean, this is how I work things. And he said, No, he goes, You're the only parent or the only adult who ever seemed to give a damn whether I was here or not. And so having those kinds of older people, hey, you know what? I do care about you. You do matter to me. It's important to me that you're here tomorrow. And I think that's how you start to build that trust, and that's how you build those connections. You know, you are important. And I think that having structure and having discipline and like, hey, here's the guidelines we operate under. As long as you're okay with that, this door is always open to you. You always have a home here. We'll help you figure this out. And one of the things we really talked about, uh, I've written about my book is people always want to know, how do I start? Uh where do we start? And I say, no, I don't know. But I love to build jigsaw puzzles. And one of the things I know about a jigsaw puzzle is you know the right place to start when you find two pieces that fit together.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

That's where you start.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

And then you find a third piece that fits in with those two, and you just keep building and building and building. And that's that's life. You know, how do I start getting my life together? Take the first step. You know, you're not gonna find the whole path laid out in front of you of I'm going from here to death, and this is how the path is gonna be. It doesn't work that way. You take one step, and that's how it starts, then you find the second step.

SPEAKER_03 39:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:57

Definitely the the part of the human journey that's the most exciting and the most terrifying all at the same time. Sure. Is that we don't get we don't get the perfect GPS to get us from birth to death. We get to choose how that how that looks. And you know, when obstacles come in the path, then we have, you know, now it's on us to choose how we're gonna work around that obstacle or overcome it.

SPEAKER_00 40:24

One, I think two two important things are maybe you think about it. We're the only creature on the planet that has choice. Everything else that on this planet that's alive grows to its maximum potential. Now, you know, you think about think about a plant, tree, you see a tree that builds that grows through a fence. Or, you know, someone leaned a bicycle gets years ago and the tree grows on a bicycle, right? It doesn't look like all the other trees, but it grew to its maximum potential.

SPEAKER_01 40:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:52

We're the only ones that get to decide how much we grow. Okay, and that with that comes a lot of responsibility. You're responsible for your decisions, you're responsible for your growth. Being responsible is not the same as being the blame. It may not be your fault. How you got here may not be your fault. But how you go from here to there is absolutely your responsibility. You need to help, you need to figure that out. And there are a lot of people who help you figure it out. And there are a lot of people who put their arm around you and say, I'll walk this walk with you. But you have to figure it out, and it has to be your choice to do it. Um and uh, so that's important is to take ownership of your life. One of my favorite books is Victor Frankel's Man Search for Meaning. Here's a guy that's living in a concentration camp and comes out of it a better person because of what he went through. And when you think about the horrors that he has witnessed and to still have an optimistic view on life, that's an amazing person. That's someone you should learn from.

SPEAKER_04 41:57

So, in closing, you've been so inspirational and given us amazing nuggets. And if you want to follow Colin Wallace, uh, his Facebook link is down below in the description. But before we sign off, Colin, if someone listening right now is in a dark place and they don't know how to move forward, what would you want them to know?

SPEAKER_00 42:22

If you don't have a 3 a.m. person and you're really in a dark place, call a suicide prevention hotline to start with. I was having this conversation with my my niece and my nephew over the holidays. And he's just got out of the military talking about the number of suicides from military people now. And he's very religious and talked about his spiritual walk and how you know that has made a big difference for him. And I said, sure. Because spirituality is all about hope. It's about believing in hope. It's about believing that not only is tomorrow day, but my future is gonna be better because of my faith. People that get in that dark place, they don't have hope.

SPEAKER_03 43:11

They're not sure tomorrow's gonna be a better day.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

And you start to feel like I I have no options left. I'm out of hope. The last thing you need is for someone to tell you, oh, get over it. Go lace your boots up and go back to work. I've been where you are. I know that doesn't help. I don't have the answers. I'm I'm stumbling around the dark like all the rest of us are. But I've been in that place I know how you think and I know a way out of that. I'll pop harm on you and say, Let's take a step.

SPEAKER_03 43:56

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 43:57

Absolutely. My pleasure.

SPEAKER_04 44:00

We're so happy you were with us here today, Colin.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

It truly was my pleasure.

SPEAKER_04 44:07

Thank you. Hope to have you at an Elevate Village in the future to uh expound some of your knowledge to our amazing youth.

SPEAKER_00 44:13

I would be honored. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 44:16

Before we go, listeners, watchers, please put in the comments what do you want us to talk about surrounding belonging or anything we talked about today. And thank you to our patron, Deanna Laughlin, for making this podcast possible. Thank you to our listeners. If you value what we're saying, please like, subscribe, follow us for more content on belonging. This has been the Belonging Podcast by Elevate Villages, where we build belonging together.