The Advice Trap: Who Are We to Figure This Out? - The Long Game's FIRST Q+A

"Who are you to be giving advice to people?"

A few years ago, someone asked me that question, and it changed the way I look at everything I do. 

The truth? I’m not a guru, and I don't have a five-step plan for your life. I’m just someone obsessed with the logic of why we do what we do.

In our first-ever listener Q&A, we’re moving away from the "expert" pedestal and getting into the messy reality of the long game. We’re diving into the messages you’ve sent in - from the business owner paralyzed by her own success to the "perfectionist" who is too scared of being average to actually hit record.

What we explore today:

• The Weight of Growth: Why scaling your business often scales your anxiety.
• The Identity Gap: What happens when you grow faster than your partner or your friend group.
• The Perfectionist's Loop: Why "preparing" is often just a sophisticated way of hiding.
• The Imposter Illusion: Navigating leadership when you’re learning in real-time.

This isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about whether these stories make sense to you and whether they help you move the needle.

Connect with the Show:

• Instagram: @thelonggame_podcast
• Message the Show: Buzzsprout (Send a Text/Question)

Listen On:

• Apple Podcasts: The Long Game Podcast
• Spotify: Listen on Spotify

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back. Before we dive into today, I want to shout out those that have messaged the podcast in the early phases. Honestly, I use BuzzSprout as my platform and notice with their packages that there is a cool feature titled Fan Mail. And honestly, starting this podcast, this hadn't even crossed my mind just to just to start it really and see where it goes. So yeah, I think it's just a very quick um thanks for listening. Honestly, really cool that people have shared experiences with me already based off the episodes and based off what I've had to say. I want to start with a question. I was asked some years ago actually to kind of give this a little bit of context. I thought it was a cool place to start today. So point blank, I was once asked, who are you to be giving advice to people? And honestly, it's an absolutely great question. Um the reality is I don't think many of us are. Um I'm not here to give advice in the traditional sense. Um, I don't have a secret uh manual for life unless you're in a very specific technical niche. Nobody really does, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, if you're a hormose, I I get it. Um if you're a Dr. Mike Isattel, I get it. If you're a Jordan Peterson, I get it. Um for those people, absolutely. For me, what I do is I have a front row seat to human conditions through years of business coaching, um, personal, professional, and I have my own lived experiences as well. So I'm not interested in being the guru. Um, I'm interested in the why. Why do we self-sabotage? Why does success sometimes feel like a trap? Why do we shrink ourselves to fit into walled rooms when we know that we shouldn't? Um, the goal of this show isn't for me to tell you how to live per se, it's to see if you can relate to the struggle of me, of um friends, of family, and people that I've had the pleasure of working with. And if the logic somehow makes sense to you and if ultimately hearing these stories helps you move an inch closer to the person you want to be, I think then we're doing something pretty cool and something right. So with that in mind, let's let's look at some of the messages that have come in um over the last two months or so. And these aren't really just questions, then they're a genuine snapchat, I think, of some people and what they're trying to figure out. So just like you, just like me, um, just like I think many of the people in the world, if some of this resonates with you, then and you find some peace in it and some um benefit to it, then absolutely it's been worth it. So we'll dig right in. Um so the first question here is from Melissa. Um so hey, it says, Hey, I've got a question about the cost of success. I built my business from nothing, and I used to be a total risk taker in the early days. I love the gamble, but now that I have three employees and grown revenue, I wake up paralysed. Every decision feels like I'm risking people's mortgages and livelihoods. Why's growth made me more fearful instead of more confident? I'm terrified I'm going to be the one who ruins everything I've built. What a fantastic kickoff and start. And the reality is that um I think what you're going through right now is what a lot of people go through in any phase of life. When you are taking on new levels to things, you are a novice at every level. You're an amateur, you've never done this before. The reality is the level that you are playing at is completely alien to you. And so honestly, what you're feeling right now is completely real and um relevant, and it's it's absolutely what having coached multiple business owners, every one of them seems to get to this phase where you hit the um you hit these markers where you suddenly have employees and the rationale that it's not just you that you are solely providing for, it's in fact you've got, you know, Steve, Ken, um, Barbara, whoever it might be that's um working underneath you, someone whose mortgage relies on you paying them on the 28th of every month. It's someone who relies on you being able to put food on the table for their family and their kids. Because if you don't bring in the revenue and you don't manage the finance of the business um right, then it all kind of comes crumbling down, and these guys have got to go and find another job and they've got to go and find something else, and that's not always easy. So the reality of it is I think you're very um validated and feeling like you are, and I think it's a very good place to be. I talked about this idea several episodes ago when um my mentor Paul Goff uh said the same thing of having positive paranoia in your life. And I think at this phase of your journey, having positive paranoia in your life is absolutely a wise thing to have because people do rely on you, and there's lives at stake, there's a business at stake. It's not just lives, you depend on what industry you're in. You may have other families relying on you based on if you're a service-based business to someone else. So I think you're absolutely right. Now, what I would say is you have already checked the first marker off here, and the fact that you are aware of it and that you understand it, so therefore you're already a step ahead of the game. Now it's about, like I said before, having positive paranoia, but also having confidence to know that every decision you're making is right in terms of the decision to move and the direction to grow, or the direction to stabilize, or the direction to implement the new product or marketing or hire the new person, the decision is often right. Now, often the execution is the thing that becomes wrong with it. That was one of the biggest lessons I was ever taught was that execution usually is the reason for something failing, not the decision to actually do it. And I think that's where you're probably at right now. And what I would suggest, if it was me, it would be number one is find someone who has done it before you, who is at that level, um, and go and ask them and be around them and ask them through the phases that they went through. Remember always to ask the successful ones because um they're often the ones who've navigated this successfully. Again, some people who will have failed and will have lessons and exit be ex completely validated. Then absolutely, but majority is find someone who is at that next level before you are and go and ask them the right questions. And if you don't have the right questions, keep asking questions until you honestly find out um the answers and give you the strategic direction that you're looking for. But I think I go back to it and I think you are in a fantastic position right now because the reality is that you are um asking the right questions instead of succumbing to it and going this alone, you're already asking the right questions. So I think fundamentally um being a leader and being a business owner um in any walk of life, if you are the breadwinner of the house, for example, and you provide for your family, um, there is a level of loneliness to leadership that is probably not really thought of too much by everyone else. Um, when it comes to leadership, you're one of one. You might have a team around you, but the reality is all this falls back on you at family level, at personal, at professional, in a business. It falls back on you at the end of the day. And there's different levels to this, and the loneliness of leadership I think retains the same at all times. Find a group, find someone that you can lean into, that you can talk to, that you can have open conversations with. Um, the fact that you're already reaching out to something like this. I hope that you've got something similar as well around you in your everyday life as well. And I think again, if we to take this away from business and put it into the personal, I think that's also a great place to be. There is the fact that you should always have people around you who are willing to challenge, who are willing to listen, who are willing to be there for you and um challenge your status quo and not just sometimes agree with you, but also help understand it and um help you move forward. So fantastic question. I loved it. Um I thought it was uh it's quite relevant for where I think a lot of people are to this day, and I think we'll often go through it every time you are hitting new levels, whether it's in your personal life, if it's professional, you're always uh you're an amateur and you're a novice. So the reality is um it's gonna feel uncomfortable. It's gonna feel uncomfortable. So I thought this led nicely on to this next question um from Daniel. So Daniel um is something in the perfectionist loop, essentially. Um, and it hit me quite um quite honestly because of where I was and I I've talked about this. So Daniel's question was this I've been telling everyone I'm starting a podcast for a year. Welcome to the club, Daniel. Um, I'm sure many people have said this. I've bought the high-end mic, I've watched every tutorial and I've read all the books, but I haven't hit record once. I keep telling myself I'm just waiting for the confidence to hit, but deep down I think I'm just scared that once I actually do it, people will say I'm actually no good, and how do I stop living in the prep phase and I just start? Well, um I'll answer this question in two words just go. Just go, Daniel. Um, I don't think I can read you more than that, but to give this a bit of depth and a bit of context, because I know obviously all jokes aside, um, just go doesn't really help in the grand scheme of things, and people want actionable items, they want direction, they want to have a level of understanding um to keep me moving forward. So, Daniel, I think this I would ask you this, or if I was in front of you, I'd ask this question, I'd say, What is what is fear? Um, what is fear in the context of this, especially? In many cases, fear is misunderstood as as I understand it. Um, I think if I was to reframe it, it's a signal, not a feeling. So if I said to you I'm fearful, um, most of us would probably immediately start to think of this, and they get the tight chest and that warm feeling in there that suddenly feels like it's tugging you back in. And when you try and reach your hand out to do something or take the step forward, or you think about the next phase of it, you are immediately met by a cacophony of um signals telling you that you shouldn't do it. And I think of fear as a signal, not a feeling. Um, in that regard, I think in the terms of a feeling, you you could say it's this, it's a it's a sophisticated unrelenting defence mechanism for your ego in in a second, second way of describing it, and especially for you, Daniel. I think that's the same thing. The one that sits on your shoulder essentially and tells you you're not very you're not good enough, or you that you're not going to be good enough. I think if you were to play it out, you put it into a bit of the eye today, you'd probably see there'd be a little devil on your shoulder on one side and there'd be a little angel on the other one. Instead of it being good and bad, it's um an angel that's telling you to go and a devil on the right-hand shoulder that's telling you to pull back and don't do it. The reality of this is though Daniel, right? And I joked as I said, welcome to the club, is I've I experienced this very much myself. Um very, very something close to me. I think the reality of it is, right, isn't I and I mentioned this previous episodes, it's essentially you protecting a fantasy that you've made up in your own head that you are that you can do it, and again, in a least cheesy way or anything like that, I think it's you've probably envisaged yourself with a microphone and releasing the podcast and talking about ideas, and you've probably explored those ideas in your head, whatever it is, and you've thought and seen yourself as someone really cool. Perhaps you've thought of yourself as a Jay Shetty, as a Hormosy, um, as the New York divorce lawyer. Um, you might look at yourself as Mel Robbins, Jordan Peterson, whatever you envisage yourself at, right? Is the real what I'm trying to get at here is you've now envisaged this person's version of you, and that version of you really doesn't exist. Um it's not real, it's a complete fantasy, it's made up. The reality is that you'll probably stutter, you will um guess, you will say um a lot, and you'll probably hit record a thousand times before you actually record the episode that you wanted to record. Now, the reality of that is that is pretty much most of us, probably four or five percent of us don't have that body, that gene in us, and that keeps us doing that. But I think most of us are probably in that regards um to doing it, and I think that's where you've got to come from this and understand. Again, nothing I can do um when I talk here is gonna help you in regards to that feeling that goes away. The only thing that might happen is that I might be a voice in the back of your head that's telling you to just go anywhere, and that Daniel, um the reality is that you do suck, um, you do talk too fast, you do stutter, you do um jump around and you don't form clear sentences, and um yeah, you are really bad at this, Daniel. Um, but the reality is you'll never get any better if you don't just start today. Maybe that's the voice, maybe that's the voice you need. For some people, they might need a more sympathetic voice in the back of their head that says, You are good enough and that you will be amazing and that you will do fantastic, and that you you know you do form clear, coherent sentences, and you've never really guessed at a point or stumbled over your words, or you can't hear that noise in the background. Um, I mean, hopefully you can't hear the thunderstorm that's going on right now. Um many of you know who listen to this. Um I moved to Orlando, Florida, and there's just been there's a huge thunderstorm. Sorry, I think it's just about past now, but there's a huge thunderstorm outside that's um hopefully you're not gonna hear that as well. But look, the reality of it is is that there is a fear holding you back right now, and it's something that hopefully when I've just kind of spoke it out there, you probably sat there going, Yep, that's right, that's right. And I want you to hopefully take this from it. Um, I said I wasn't giving advice, but maybe I am now. It only gets better if um you actually decide to do something about it and move. Um, if otherwise you'll always tell us everyone that you could have done this and that you might have done this, and you'll be stuck in the same position um that you are today. And um if I asked you and I said in ten years' time, if I was to come and speak to Daniel and he was happy with his life because he stayed in the same spot, would you be happy? And I think for most of us we'd probably agree that you probably wouldn't be, and I don't think many people would be so in such a manner. Um I think that's uh just go is the the best advice I can give in that regards. You'll never be perfect, um, you'll only get a little bit better every time, and that only starts from starting, truth be told. Um, you're never gonna run a marathon if you don't run the first mile regards to it, that you won't lift 100 kilograms of weight if you don't start lifting one. Um you'll never write a book if you don't rewrite the first page. So in all regards to it, um, just go is the best advice I think I can give you or anyone listening to this that that might have resonated with. So um we'll move on to the next one, Julia. Um, the relationship gap, I called this. So I'm struggling with something pretty personal in the last five years. I've done a lot of work on myself, therapy, fitness, leveling up my career. I feel like I'm a different person now. But my partner is exactly where he was five years ago, and we've been together now for 15 years. We don't fight, but I find myself shrinking my energy or dimming my light, so I don't make things awkward at home. I love him, but I feel like I'm choosing between my relationship and my own growth. What do I do? First of all, I'm not going to tell you what to do. Um I don't think it's my place to tell you what to do. I'll give you my understanding of um what to do, I think, in this situation, but in no way is it advised to go and do it. I think when I talk, you have to understand or think, do I see myself in the scenario that Luke is playing out? And does it actually help me move forward based on what I am trying to achieve? So I think um don't do as I tell you to do, but please make sure that if you do somewhat find that you resonate with what I'm talking about, then maybe you need to go and have a discussion because that's ultimately going to be my advice. Um it's essentially this is your the um ambition versus stability at a relational level, and that is a tricky, tricky place to live. So um, first things first to put this into a wider context, I think when you start dating someone what however many years it was, 10-15 years ago, that you mentioned this. Um the version of you and the version of him that existed is very different and always will be very different to the one that is today, right? Because there are so many variables in life that can happen. So it's not that there is change, I don't think. It is that there is a distinct growth pattern that you are on opposite ends of, and the distance that is pulling between you versus the version of you that is in a relationship and that loves them, um at least I hope so, is that's not widening widening, but the growth um pattern and direction is, and you're struggling to potentially balance that between A and B, um if that is fair to say. So I think this you need to do what you want. Um, sacrifice is key to a relationship in some senses, but foregoing your happiness and purpose, I believe, is a surefire way to build resentment. Um that is my own experience of it, um, truth be told. Um and I think that there's always sacrifice. So let's think about this. There's sacrifices to everything in a relationship, right? What you want to eat, what you want to drink, where you want to go on holiday, there is certain parts to it where you will sacrifice things, what you want in a house together. I don't know, right? But the reality is you're gonna make sacrifices on the I will say materialistic perhaps I don't mean the word in its full sense, but I think more materialistic things there is sacrifice. But when it comes to your personal happiness and freedom and purpose and and life, I think that the ultimate aim of it is to walk alongside one another. Um it's always been my belief that relationships are to be supportive and to grow one another, not that one person drags the other person up. There'll be a time for it that that kind of has to happen in the relationship, and that's just natural. Um, when one's running, one might have to walk, and when one's walking, the other one has to run. It's just that's the nature of the relationship, it's the give and take that's going to come from it. So I think in that sense, yes, but I don't think you ever forego your purpose and happiness. And right now, that relationship is partially in purpose and happiness, but I think your main purpose and happiness for C to be in the growth phase, if I'm right in saying, and I think that um you don't need him to grow per se, like the same way that he wouldn't need you to grow, um, unless that is a fundamental need of your life, that that is something that you absolutely have to have. And um you've talked about this. I don't think you need them to grow, but I think you need them to understand where you're trying to get to and at least can participate in that journey. Um, not everyone is on the same growth trajectory and patterns and life patterns, so I think all in all, in that sense, as long as there is a fair and reasonable communication um of where you're going and where you're trying to get to, and that that doesn't have to be the other person's journey, but they do have to at least be aware of it and support and want to grow and want to nurture that. I think that's the conversation. I maybe it has happened, maybe it has happened, hasn't happened, but I think that's what I would be doing. Um what is it? The phrase is the um phrase goes is un un unspoken expectations of premeditated resentments, um, something in that ilk, and I think this is the same. If it hasn't been discussed, then um I think the problem is, is then you're thinking you're shrinking your energy to him versus how does he meet you in the middle of that and say, look, you know, you need this, and um I'm here to support you, I'm not on that same journey with you. And if it's a fundamental key to your happiness and your life, then it's a different conversation. But look, I think all in all, um emotional intelligence at this level when it comes to relationships and this far down the line um is a key part to it to keep going, and from what I've seen of relationships and um husbands and wives and everything that's gone on, is actually your ability not to resent someone and and react, right? Because one, how quickly can you come down from that? But really, it's the emotional intelligence to actually ask and go, Hey look, Leah, like if I'm here and you're right, here's what I think you're saying, would that be a fair fair assessment? And um they might agree, they might not agree, and and really first and foremost get to a level of understanding between each other of what was it you were trying to achieve in yours, you're in a growth pattern, they're in a I won't say stagnation pattern, but like a being a stood-still pattern, a holding pattern. And if it there is a conversation where there's a little disagreement or argument, the first thing I'd always try and do is understand what the actual point was that they were trying to make, rather than just reacting to what you think you heard, versus actually finding out what was actually trying to be said that might not just have been arch articulated very well. And I think to go a little bit um a little bit to the left, a little bit to the right here. I think in relationships, one of the number one skill sets you'll find in a long-term relationship is the ability to understand one another and not react. That is my understanding of it. It's what I try to implement into my relationship, and um I'm very fortunate that I do have a partner that I think gives me exactly the same back where we don't really react to each other. What we do actually is have a fair and reasonable conversation about what we're both trying to explain and what we're both trying to get to the point of. And if there's a disagreement between what I think you said versus what you were trying to say, um then we'll talk about that first before we actually get into it. Because I think, in my experience, nine times out of ten, it's usually a misreading of the situation rather than um what was actually being said. So yeah, hopefully that helps. Um I think go and have a conversation is my ultimate thing for you. Um where it goes, I don't know. Um, you'll find out, but I think if you have an intelligent conversation that does not rely on reaction but relies on understanding first before you try and make any decisions, then I think you'll probably get to the right outcome ultimately. Um so, yeah, a little bit deep on that one. Last but not least, um, to kind of round this off episode off. And I'm looking forward to, by the way, um bringing some, hopefully some guests on and doing some interviews in the near future. I know that me talking, um, I find it quite cathartic actually to explore ideas and to talk about these things, often in a quiet room on my own, just um. Talking away essentially, but I am looking forward to when I'm able to bring guests on and do some interviews with this stuff and really start diving deep into what someone else thinks and to really both enhance I think the viewpoint and also my opinion on things that I may not um may not have a true full understanding of sometimes or I don't have a full experience around it. And I think I'm really looking forward to that idea. So that should be coming um quite soon, but we'll see what happens with that. Um so last but not least, Emily, the fear of average. Um I have this weird fear that I can't shake. It's not that I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of trying my absolute hardest and discovering that I'm just ordinary. I realised recently I hold back 20% in everything I do because if I don't fully commit, I can always tell myself I could have been great if I really tried. How do I find the courage to actually go all in when my ego is so tied to my potential? Wow. Um what a question to finish on. Um, truth be told. How do I explore this idea, right? Because I think I see a lot of people doing this, and I think it's similar to one of the questions that was that we went through today on the episode. Realize recently I hold 20% in everything I do because if I don't fully commit, I can always tell myself I could have been great if I really tried. How do I find the courage to actually go all in when my ego is so tied to my potential? I think it goes back to the fear conversation, um, and I think you're living in a fantasy that um means that you can kind of just get away with it. Um you can satisfy yourself by saying that um it wasn't really your fault. It wasn't really you for the reason as to why it didn't work out. What actually um was was that it was life's fault. Um and I think there's a lot of people in that space right now where we do more about blaming life than we do actually our personal responsibilities for situations, and if we can do that, then it absolves us absolves us of all blame. Um it stops us from feeling bad about it in the general thing, and if I can convince enough people that it was never my fault, and that actually it was someone else's fault, and that it was not anything to do with what I personally did, but what everyone else did, then not only can I validate myself and take this the right way when I say it, I think this isn't applied to you, this is just to a generalization here of everyone. If I can validate that it wasn't me and that actually it was life, and I can get enough people around me to validate that opinion, well then actually there is a higher sense of ego that means you have started something, and that actually the world is a problem, and that you're all very special in the fact that if only life wasn't this deteriorating thing that pulled you back, then um you could all be an amazing, you could all have done um things that other people have done or haven't done, or um, I think I always preface this conversation when I start here when I use this man's name um on a very fair and reasonable basis that I try and talk about it. You can have your personal opinions on people, but you cannot, I don't think, deny what they've been able to do in terms of developing the world and developing life. People like Elon Musk. Um love him or hate him. Um I look at it from a pure business perspective and technological advancements and what he's been able to do in the world. To me, Elon Musk is one of those people who does fully commit and is one of those people who does get almost chastised, chastised by people who complain about life and um complain about how bad it is rather than um taking the personal responsibility because it's easier to do that. So honestly, um I think this is a wider thing that I see a lot of ego protection, it's fantasy for survival, it's um I think it's uh it's a very comfortable place for people to live and it's a very comfortable place to be because um you can almost seek the validation that you so the validation that you are running from in terms of success you seek now in boosting your own ego in a worse way by validating it in a way that it's everyone else's fault but not mine. Um and if I do that, then I actually get all of the plaudits and all of the benefits of it rather than actually having to face any of the negativity or the fear of going through. Now it gives you that um gives you what you need, right, and what you want, but the reality is it doesn't give you everything of what you wanted because what you want on the other side of um actually understanding that you're not very good and actually understanding that you're not the best at something, but um the enjoyment of the journey of purpose and development and how you continually grow and that you see those progressions happen. Honestly, you ask me um which one feels better. One's almost slightly narcissistic, and the other one um is very personally rewarding, and um, I think makes you even a better human being for everyone else around you. And again, that's my personal opinion. So talk to me writing to the pod, writing to the fan mail about your opinions on what I've just said there. But um, those are my personal opinions on this thing, and and I genuinely believe that if we take personal ownership of these situations more, some things obviously, yes, you absolutely can't, but I think for a majority of personal ownership over most situations, you will find that there is a genuine benefit to your life at a much deeper rooted place. Again, there are scenarios and situations where this doesn't work out, that it is genuinely hard done to, and um there are things that you literally are out of your control. You look in the world now, and I think if you looked in Ukraine, you looked in Iran, you looked in many different places like that, that is a genuine out of your control, and you have a genuine group of people there who are suffering um completely against any things that they have done or said or been a part of, and honestly, I I feel really very, very um deeply for it and sorry about it, but I'm not talking about stuff like that before I get um in the context of what I'm talking about, before it kind of gets misconstrued. I think it's uh I'm talking deeply on a personal development level, and I think when opportunity knocks and situations arise, I think a lot of people are very much easy to blame everyone else in the situations, the business, the people around them, rather than ever introspectively look and say, What did I do wrong? What could I have done um better? I think in the personal reality, and again, respectfully in this situation, I think honestly, um you're just doing yourself a disservice at every level when it comes down to this stuff. So honestly, it goes back to the other one that I said, just go and watch what happens when you start validating the more positive ego that's inside of you that gets you to move forward because that version of you, I promise, is a far greater uh person than is the one who validates their um ego based on um the failures of life, of which truthfully was all down to them, but tell everyone it wasn't. Um you watch what happens on the other wave, how those people, at least in my experience, develop and and go on in the world. So yeah, that was fun. Um I love it. By the way, I would love it if um if you are thinking about writing in, if you are um writing into the pod and you want to kind of talk about these things, please send over your thoughts, your opinions, what's going on in your life, what you want me to talk about. I really, really enjoyed this actually kind of just deep diving into um more situational stuff and what happens. And I look forward to um I'll be back next week in the usual time, usual spots. Um we come every week at the same time on a Monday. It's been an absolute pleasure, it's been a level of self-accountability. I've loved um to know that I have this deadline every Sunday um over me, and no matter even what happens in your personal life and what happens in um professional, that this is something that I'll keep doing. And again, it's a very cathartic, very enjoyable situation, and something that I've really haven't really thoroughly enjoyed. So looking forward to doing plenty more of them and speaking to you all. But for now, goodbye, and I will see you next week.