Mother’s Day Can Be A Lot (featuring Danaye Maier)

We have a guest this week on The Breakdown. Danaye Maier (my bestie, local radio host and professional champion of other women) joins to talk about being a single mom on Mother’s Day, how much easier it is to celebrate Mother’s Day when you have a partner and why sometimes it’s just easier to be on your own. 

We also touch on Mother’s Day as a mom to be and how open communication can make any holiday way better!! 

And a few other things 😂 we hope you enjoy!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, well, well, if it isn't the happiest sad person ever, which is what you absolutely must be, there's no way you are vibing with my closet poetry as much as you are if you're not happy and sad all the time. It's exhausting, isn't it? I'm Josie, the girl who sits in her closet and reads you poems, and this is the breakdown. This is a podcast first for me. I've never had a guest before, and I honestly never thought that I would, but I feel like this is gonna be way more fun. I have my friend Dene, who is a local professional broadcaster. She actually asked me if I could refer to her as Lady Marlin. Or whistled down. I won't do it. Neither nor. I won't do it. But she's a morning show in Calgary. Um is it so hard to introduce me?

SPEAKER_01 0:48

You can't even make it. Just say, just say she has the job as a broadcaster. Just say local, local morning show host in Calgary, but also um curator of a local women empowerment social network. A woman a day YYC. And that is Danae Meyer. She's in studio with me today. Is that the intent? Also, maybe like if anybody saw you on your book tours or anything like that, also you're moderating.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

And you will continue to do so in the future.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

And now that we're on a podcast, we can do whatever we want, we can say whatever we want. Whenever. Because we are on the website.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Are you too old for um no? I should never start a sentence like that. Are you too old for radio free Roscoe? Yes, I am. Okay. It was this show on the family channel that was like as we want, whenever we want. And they had a secret radio station. Nice. We should start one. Oh, so many lists. That'd be good.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Okay, I think it's recording successfully. Should I test it? Are you too lame for so I think you should leave? Is that a show?

SPEAKER_02 1:57

Or are you asking me to go home?

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Because you're in my house. Just kidding. It's the day after Mother's Day. Yeah. It's my first Mother's Day pregnant. Yes. Um, and your third Mother's Day single.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Fourth, actually. I know. Okay, so this is actually I did the math because it's weird. Because so I became a mom in June of 2016. Okay. So this was actually my tenth Mother's Day. How old were you with your first baby? 30. Okay. Uh yeah, I was 30 when I had Violet and then 32 when I had Maxwell. Okay. But yeah, this is my fourth Mother's Day single. And for some reason, it was the hardest one single yet. And I'm trying to wrap my head around why. What's worse? Oh God.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

What's really doing Mother's Day single or doing Mother's Day in a relationship that wasn't fitting you?

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Um definitely doing Mother's Day is still in the relationship. Okay. Anything, anything that was in the relationship will always be worse than what's happening right now.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Because I remember you saying to me, I remember one time I I came over and helped you with one of Violet's birthdays, and you were saying how even though you're a single parent, it was so much easier to do the whole thing yourself, even though I was right there helping you, um, than to be doing it with a partner that you don't align with.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Well, yeah, and I mean it wasn't that he didn't do anything, he's your dad. And like when we were partners, he did a lot of the stuff. Totally. But it was how would he do the stuff? Yeah. You know what I mean? So it was like we would be doing things together, and it would be like, oh, how soon until his mood's just gonna change? Yeah. How soon until this is miserable.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Or until you guys start just like not getting along and like bickering with each other, and like sometimes, I mean, also I feel like you're a very independent person, which I am too, and like I'm married, but I like often do things just by myself and get things done on my own, not because he's bad at it, just because I like to get things done in like a certain way very quickly and efficiently. Yes. And that's actually something that scares me about becoming a mom is that like you really do have to share the like when you're in a partnership with a new baby, you have to share the responsibilities. Like you have to let them, if they're in charge of a night routine that night, just like let them do it that way.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

You know, I don't even struggle with that, I think. Like, but also at the same time, there's gonna be times where you're so tired, you will be like, I don't give a shit. Just take the baby, I don't care what's going on over there. And then you'll have this thing where you think you don't care and you're like, Oh, I am going to have such a sleep, and you'll hear the baby cry for more than 10 seconds. You're like, she's not doing anything. Let's get her out. So that's wonderful. No, it is like this like whole weird thing back to like doing things together and then doing things solo. I will always choose the solo because at least I didn't have the expectation that anybody else was gonna do it. Yes, or that like the expectation of like, for example, Mother's Day, like and being with him for Mother's Day, it was always this like hope that it was gonna be a nice day. Yeah, and that there was gonna be like a nice surprise. Everybody, and I think we do like overblown it a lot.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

It's really common in partnerships, like to expect big things, but you have to also like think about your relationship like have they ever been like that before? Right. Do you do things like that for them? Is that like a baseline that you have created in your relationship? And is is the expectation realistic?

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Well, and that's the thing, and I don't know what it says about me, but I was with this person for 20 years and I never lowered my expectations. Like maybe I should have, but like I don't want to, and like even like that as I'm like navigating like the future and like what like maybe like a future relationship looks like, or like even like the most recent past relationship looked like, there's been a few times where I'm like maybe I should lower my expectations. Okay, lower my expectations. No, not that somebody's gonna give me like a gigantic diamond ring every mother's day or something like that, but hopeful that somebody is thoughtful enough to choose to do something nice for me. Yeah, that's all I'm on.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

And I think, but it's also better, like what would be worse becoming used to being disappointed, yeah, or continuing to feel disappointed. And I feel like when you continue to feel disappointed, you at least continue to know your worth. Yes, oh as opposed to being like, oh, this just is what it is. I'm in this relationship, this person doesn't do these things, whatever. Yeah, and anyway, okay, wait. Well, I'm getting ahead of myself because usually we put a poem in and then we talk about it. Well, we're just gonna do a mom poem. So which one should we do?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

Um, you have some really good ones. I don't know which one do you want to do?

SPEAKER_00 6:39

I only have my old book here. One that came out three months before the new book. So neither of them are actually an old book. Your new and newer book. I don't know. Okay, we're just gonna do like just like a general mom poem. Love it for Mother's Day, and then talk about mom, motherhood. Cool, single mom, being a mom, and all the mom things. Cool. Um, I'm always lucky because you are my mom. I could buy a million lottery tickets and never win a dime, step on every crack and every sidewalk, break mirrors, walk under ladders, and open umbrellas indoors each day, and I would still be lucky. I could stand on street corners on rainy days while cars splash through puddles and ruin my favorite jeans. I could only ever see black cats cross my path and never pass another piece of wood to knock on. I could shrink all my best knit sweaters in the dryer, and because you were my mom, none of it would matter. I would still be the luckiest person there ever was because you outrule all the bad stuff. Calling you my mom is like the number seven. It's like all the dream catchers and rabbits' feet and ladybugs and lucky pennies combined, and because of that, I will always be lucky. I know that because we've always made our own luck. And we never won a single lottery in the literal sense, but we've always been rich in our own way. I know because you held my hand as we stepped on every crack in the sidewalk by accident, without ever wincing once. You cleaned up broken glass and climbed ladders like you were Santa Claus. And I always had an umbrella, even though I never remembered to bring them home from school. You supplied them endlessly. On days where it felt like rain might never stop falling, falling, on days where it felt like rain might never stop falling, or when the only wood we had to knock on was from IKEA and we built it ourselves. Because you're my mom, there was always another clean sweater in the drawer, even when my favorite got shrunk in the dryer. And I've always been lucky and always will be lucky because you're my mom. And with that, motherhood, mother's day. Happy belated Mother's Day. Thanks. You too. It's Monday, uh, May 11th. I don't know if I'll get this up today, but tomorrow at the very latest. So it might be Tuesday by the time anybody hears this, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

That's fine. I think you know, we could have done this before Mother's Day. But hey, we don't do things on time. Busy moms, right? That's excuse. But no, I think it's cool we're doing it post-Mother's Day because this Mother's Day was a weird one. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it's kind of interesting to be able to reflect on that because I had a lot of like fear and nerves and everything. Like it started on Friday, even going into the weekend, what this Mother's Day was going to be like.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

I can also relate to this because this is the first Mother's Day I've ever had a human growing in me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

You know what I love about how narratives change? How? What? So when I was pregnant, when I was pregnant 10 years ago, there was like this big debate if I was allowed to celebrate Mother's Day while pregnant. Did you? There was like this. Did you like debate it on the radio? Yes. It was like, it was like, is she a mom? Is she and I'm like, it's so funny because now I feel like you could cancel for you. You would, yeah. You absolutely would. But now, like, I feel like this year is the first year that I have really seen the uprising. And of course, like I wholeheartedly was like, I was a mom the second I found out like that test came back is positive, right? But I feel like there's this big thing that was like, Well, are you though? You're not technically taking care of anything. And it's like, no, you are.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

It changed my whole life. I found that like my husband went to Thailand in my early pregnancy phase, and I wanted to go with him, but I didn't go because I was pregnant. And I didn't just in the early days, you it's so sensitive, right? Yeah. And um, I remember just like being at the gas station, filling up the gas tank, and like the first trimester trenches, you're so sick, and yeah, I just kept saying, It's just you and me, kid. And I was like, Oh god, I have a husband. Like he's he's he's just in Thailand. But like also in that moment, you were already making sacrifices for your child. Like you're protecting them. Like I immediately stopped eating runny eggs. I love runny eggs, you know, like you immediately become a mom in your own way. But that being said, and I want to get to the Mother's Day thing in just one second, I think that it's so important that um things have become more sensitive because things have become more talked about. Yes. And I think the fact that everybody around Mother's Day is gentler and more aware of everybody that is going through so much with like fertility and becoming a mom. And there's so many different versions of motherhood. Exactly. And like I saw I'm or I wrote one the other day that was like, even if you're waiting to be a mom, yeah, the second that you decide that you want to give your life to somebody else, yeah, because the second you have a kid, it's all like it's not like it's it's not over, it begins again in a whole another way, where you're not your only person anymore, and you never will be again, and you're never gonna matter as much as they do. For sure. And like as soon as you make that active decision to give that to someone, you're a mom. You're a mom. Yeah, you're already putting somebody else in the world. Only a mom could do that.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

Yeah, you know, so I I have loved, I feel like this year especially, or maybe I'm just more sensitive to seeing it, but I feel like this year more than ever, I've seen people really acknowledging, like, no, pregnant women are already moms, even if they're about to be moms for the first time. And then I also, you know, like you said, people that are hoping to become moms and or maybe moms that have experienced loss. Yes. You were and are a mother still to this day. So I do love that there's like the narrative has changed so much in a decade, which doesn't feel like that much time when I think about like holy shit, I have a 10-year-old. Yeah, but also that's like a long time.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Well, it used to just be like this widespread happy Mother's Day to everybody who has a baby or a mom or a or a kid or whatever. And now it's like thinking of you this Mother's Day if you're a mom without your mom anymore. Like, you know, that kind of stuff. Oh my god, that kills me. Like, I know it's but I love that everybody's being seen and acknowledged, and it's actually just funny to think of how far we've come from 10 years ago when that was even a debate.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

I think, I think even outside of um being celebrated as a mom for Mother's Day, but also the way people experience Mother's Day, I feel like there's so much more talked about that too, because it's weird. Like, is Mother's Day, and I guess maybe also Father's Day, are those two of the most complicated days on the calendar for feelings and emotions? Because there's so many people. But it's so different. It's very different, you know. But I mean, like the way that you like celebrate it as a child, I guess. Because there's so many people that like I made this big post about how it's hard being a single mom on Mother's Day. Yeah. And a girlfriend of mine that has a very complicated, horrific relationship with her mother, yeah, was like, yeah, this day's weird for a lot of reasons.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

Well, even when you're a kid, like we'd make like Father's Day crafts at school. Yeah. And I'd be like, I don't know if I'm gonna see my dad in time, you know, like it's because he lived far away. It's like, make the tie. Yeah, make the cardboard tie. Yeah, you're like, I love you, dad. Like, oh, okay. But it's it's it is very complicated. And I think as the world becomes more aware, it gets easier because we all start like thinking of each other and acknowledging each other. And it gave you the kind of openness and ability to talk about how being a single mom on Mother's Day is really hard because at the end of the day, your kids can only do so much for you on Mother's Day. Well, I know it's it's it's it's a big holiday. It's like Valentine's Day, like somebody else has to make it special for you.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

It feels so self-centered and like such a like I don't like calling it a pity party because like parties are supposed to be fun. Yeah, it's like I don't know what to call it. It it's honestly, it feels so lame for the words to come out of my mouth saying, like, I just want to be celebrated and acknowledged. But is that lame to want to be acknowledged by the person that uh you know you brought life into this world with? And like my kids are amazing. I'm so grateful that I've got two healthy kids. My daughter's 10, going on like 75, because she's got the oldest, like most sensitive, beautiful soul. And of course she made the day special, and it's amazing. But I think there's like what about your son? Did he yeah, no, he was good, he was good. He oh, he sang me Benson Boone's stars, which I believe is about a pass on. Do you have a clip of it? I do. Okay, we'll put it in.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

I don't want to say mine. So far, here I am saying everyone.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Okay, um, he sang me some songs, and yes, but I think it really crept up on me this year. Out of nowhere, I don't know if I was just like too busy or too like my brain was like in the clouds the last couple of years, but this year I've been like really looking within. I think like love therapy, but also hate therapy because it's exposing so many things, but it's like, yeah, you just want that acknowledgement from somebody that's frontal lobe has developed, yes, right? From an adult and from potentially the person that you brought these children into the world with. So did you get acknowledgement?

unknown 15:37

No.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

It was a group text. Oh, to the whole family. Excuse me. It was a group text to my mom and like my family. Yeah. My mom, my sister, my sister-in-law, and me. With all the like my dad and my brother-in-law, my brothers, which is everyone to the family group chat. Happy Mother's Day. Oh, and I said, Like, I yeah, like thanks for like happy Mother's Day. Hope you have a great day, ladies. And I was like, waiting, and like, do I need his validation?

SPEAKER_03 16:02

No.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Not 99% of the time, but on Mother's Day, is it too much to freaking ask to say thanks for what you do for the world?

SPEAKER_00 16:09

No, I know that's really hard.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

You know, that is really hard. And I said this, I usually like I'm at very much a point in like my relationship with my ex that Gray Gray Rock method is like my best friend. I don't try to give him any emotion. I don't like to respond to him emotionally, like as much as possible. Yeah. But that was like already such like a rough and raw day that yesterday I had to be like, so did you say something? Oh, yeah, I actually did say something because I also am like exhausted of like calling a lot of shit too. I'm like, what's the point? Right. Okay, it doesn't matter. Don't like to put too much energy into it. But yesterday I was like, Do you want to acknowledge Mother's Day? He's like, I sent a group text. I was like, to my to my family. Oh yeah. Oh, I'm the worst person for my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, bro.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

I think that one of the most terrible ways that you can handle conflict just in general as a person, and I do it too, and like my we work on this, is being like, Oh, I'm just I'm just and it's like, no, no, no. I did not generalize you as the worst person to ever exist. No, there's probably worse. I'm just saying that in this moment, but obviously you guys are divorced, like it's there's hostility. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

And like in both approaches, it was But it's funny because he came back and he said, We're not even in a relationship anymore. This shouldn't even be a thing.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

And it's like, as soon as you have a kid with someone, you are for a while. And I literally said this to my husband, and he was like, What the hell? Like, why are you saying that? But I was like, no matter what now, like I said, this like really early in our pregnancy, and he was like, Okay, we just got married too. I was like, What are you forecasting? I was like, uh, we're stuck together forever now. And he was like, Yeah, I know why. Like, I want that. Like, we we got married. And I was like, No, no, no, I know. And you you like I would love and I hope and we will, in my mind, be together for the rest of our lives. That's the plan. Um, you just never know what happens in life. Like, and I think with when you have parents who didn't stay together, or when you have friends who have like gone through divorces, you just become wildly and violently aware of the way that things can take a turn for sure from being good. But I went time and I was like, Well, you and I, it's us now for the rest of our lives, no matter what happens, whether we are under one roof or we are assigning divorce papers, this baby bonds us together and we are a team for life. Right. And he was like, Okay, but like let's just stay together. And I was like, No, yeah, I'll have reserves, reservation.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

That's the plan. Nobody gets married with the intention of having a divorce unless you're doing a fake marriage.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

You not being in a relationship anymore doesn't make you not mom and him not dad. Exactly. And you guys together will always be mom and dad.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

So yeah, so that was like frustrating, but it's interesting because I was already like feeling those weird things going into it. Anyways, how to really, I cried. I cried so, so much. To him, no, I would not ever let that happen again. I would try to not have that. But I just like cried a lot. Um, like even like as early as like Friday morning. I mean, like on my radio show, we had like men texting in being like, Oh, I want to celebrate my wife, she's the best. One guy was like, My mom's no longer with me, but I know she'd be so proud of the woman that chose to be. Oh, Danada has a radio show, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

Like locally in Calgary, where we live. She works on Virgin Radio. Yeah. And on the morning show. Yeah. Awkward. One of us has a job, so but no, it's um, it's it's started there, and it's like, gosh, I just like first, like that's enough.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Acknowledgement. It's just the acknowledgement. I don't want a trillion dollars or anything like that.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

But you know that meme that's like nothing screams we're getting a divorce, like a fall photo shoot. And I know that's not true. Like, I know that's not true. Like, you are gonna shut up. We did a fall photo shoot in the fall before we got to the bar. But like also, your sister is in the happiest marriage of all time, and they do fall photo shoots. So that doesn't count for some people.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

But Josie, you, because of course I'm like having these issues, and so I you are so did I say something you or was it complete intuition where you're like, How you doing this week?

SPEAKER_00 20:12

I just checked in to be like, what's up? Like, how you feeling about Mother's Day?

SPEAKER_01 20:15

And then I was like, and I told you all this, and I was like, I don't get it. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like this? And like you kind of explain what we just talked about about how like you want the acknowledgement, it doesn't matter, but like also you made such a good point about like sometimes the acknowledgement has to come from within. Yeah, and sometimes that has to be enough.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Would you not rather have acknowledgement from like okay, so for example, and I'm not talking about your partner directly, like I don't want like any beef, like it's you know, anyway, whatever, whatever, just in case anyone hears this. Um, everything's fine, but I just mean like sometimes you have to look at a person who's causing you pain indirectly without even trying. Like it's not ever purposeful. It just is that you guys don't mesh well emotionally, right? But you have to look at a person before you let them hurt you and say, Do I want to be like you? Right. Do I admire anything about you? Do I wanna model myself after you? Do I do you have the life that I want? And if not, we do let ourselves a lot of the time get really down and out over the way that people make us feel and the way that like we come across other people that we would never want to be anything like. And it's true. So why do we care? Exactly. So in a relationship that's ended, and I think that's like one of like the main things that therapists say about relationships ending is as soon as you start to feel like disdain and contempt toward someone, it's over because you can never come back from that. No, you can't, or you have to work really, really hard, but those are like the hardest emotions to dial back from. So, why would you need acknowledgement from someone who you feel disdain and contempt toward? Yes. Right? And like it's hard, it means that you're gonna have mother. Say maybe you have to celebrate it yourself or like let the women in your life celebrate you.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

See, and that's what I was gonna say. Yeah, as I was all like down and sad about it, and then it was you that showed up on my doorstep because you have my location. I know that's why I was tracking you on the way home. Discovered for another reason a couple weeks ago when you were when I got in trouble for being up to my door.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

I told you I could see where you are, I could see where you're waking up this morning.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

So, Josie, I was I was traveling uh home after being away from the weekend, shows up on my doorstep at the same time that the kids and I pull into the driveway with a bouquet of flowers. And that's why I was like, eh. And then she goes, Don't open the flowers in front of the kids. And I'll be honest, at first, like I peeked in there, I was like, huh, I thought you got me a vape. Yeah, I know a lot of people messaged me, asking me if I got you like a vibrator.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

And then I was like, damn, no, I should have gotten her one of those other two things. I bought it on vlogs ago. I just think after this Mother's Day, maybe next Mother's Day, maybe you could be calling somebody daddy.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

Even if it's not your kid.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

No. But yes, I will say, and this this probably doesn't work with um your situation or like somebody who's in a divorce situation where you just like don't like you're just kind of ready to put it down and move on and not like talk about your emotions with this person anymore. Yeah. But in my head, if you're talking to somebody who's like at least slightly emotionally intelligent, just telling them exactly what you want can sometimes be important. And like in my head, and I know it's not this simple, but in my head, with you and your husband, ex-husband, shit, I wonder, it just it crosses my mind, and I don't know because I've never I've never been married to this person. It crosses my mind if you could have calmly said, I feel like I work really hard all year as a mom, and I feel like you work really hard all year as a dad, you gotta give them give them praise. Yeah, and I do, yes, yes. But you just in this, in this, in these conversations, what I mean is you can't be like, I work this, and I you have to be like you and I both work hard in our own ways, just because if you start talking only about you, they get offensive.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

But just to be like, I personally to me, it matters to me to be acknowledged on Mother's Day. And I bet you it would feel really nice for you to be acknowledged on Father's Day. So, like if we could have a pact together that like every year we go out of our way to have the kids make something for each other, and and then I like they get you a gift in that one time a year, let's say something nice to each other. Yes. But I mean, what if you just laid it out like that? Like my feelings got hurt this time around. And I I it turns out that maybe I am like in this way materialistic. I wanted a gift for Mother's Day. Like, would you mind maybe restocking that perfume you give me for my birthday every year also on Mother's Day? Right, you know, like from the kids.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

For sure. And I mean, I mean, honestly, it it truly is a simple, hey, thanks for everything you do for our kids. That's all I want. But you're right, emotionally or unemotionally intelligent people sometimes need to hear that. Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

Sometimes when you approach something with like, would have been nice, because then I know it immediately, and not I get it, because I do that, but like in the later, in retrospect, sometimes it's like, okay, could I, you know? But I will say that like even in a new marriage, we're like six months in, and I've done this before where I like will hype something up in my head. Right. Like all the time.

SPEAKER_01 25:27

And your expectations skyrocket.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Like my 30th birthday. I was like, I bet I'm gonna wake up in the morning to go to work at four in the morning, and somehow my fiance is gonna have gotten up, or my boyfriend at the time is gonna have gotten up and like gotten me balloons from Party City and hid them in the basement. And then there's gonna be a card and then like a whole day planned. But we've never done anything like that for each other. Right. And I've never even done that for him. So he would never know that I'm interested in that.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

Okay, I'm just realizing something right now. What? Remember for your 30th birthday? Was it your 30th birthday that I threw you a surprise party at my house? Yeah. And then for Mother's Day, you got me the flowers. Yeah. We don't ever expect anything from men. No, we just do everything for each other.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

But it's perfect. But I mean, like, where's the thing? Like, you can like in a relationship, like I woke up and disappointed myself in that moment. But he had, he came home from work that day with a balloon, helium, one. Whoa. I know, and like a beautiful gift and flowers, and it was so nice. And it was like exactly what I had pictured, just not at the same time. Right. And I hadn't said anything. He figured it out on his own. No, you make a good point. Like this year for Mother's Day, I was like, I'm not gonna let myself get disappointed because how would he know? He might not know that I actually am considering this my first Mother's Day, even though our baby's not Earth's side at the moment. So I went to him and I was just like, this Mother's Day counts for me, and as it should. And when Father's Day will count for you, I always make Father's Day count for him because we had a dog. But I so cute. But I was like, I want flowers from the florists in our neighborhood. Yeah. I want a bouquet of flowers, I don't want them in like a pre-arranged box, and I want a present and I want you to book us a lunch with your mom. And I don't want to have anything to do with it. And he was just like, perfect. Done. Done. Came home with flowers, beautiful bouquet from the right place. And we went for a nice brunch, and he got me a sweater from Lululemon that I wanted. And it was beautiful. And I had no room to be disappointed because I communicated exactly what I want. And I know that it's so hard to not like jump to the other side of things and be like, well, he should know. No, sometimes people don't know.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

But like, and I've already expressed, like, moving forward, like, yeah, maybe next Mother's Day, our baby will be six months old. What's she gonna do? Like scream or cry or something. Well, that's the thing. Like, it is up to the it's up to the person. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

But like later in life, I was like, it's important that you include them in things and you make things, you know, like I guess it's just also, and like this is so I put like these thoughts and feelings out onto my social, and I was just like, hey, like this day crept up on me. It's the weirdest I've ever felt on Mother's Day since being single. Um, and was just like, you know, obviously I felt alone and I felt weird that I was like pitying myself for being alone, but then the realization that it was actually like women that were there for me, and in most cases moms, stepping up for other moms and having other moms backs, making sure that moms were feeling good. Yeah, I think another part of the feelings is like the fact that you're like you're saying all these things about like Steve and like he's your husband and like asking him. I think it's frustrating for me that like I have any of these feelings to somebody that I don't want to give me any feelings to, right?

SPEAKER_00 28:34

So it's like you don't need to be able to build this emotional relationship. Yeah, like with Steve and I, we're continuing to correct each other and learn each other so that in the future we don't we disappoint each other less, essentially. But you don't need to really do that because like it's not your job anymore to like make each other happy. But I think that it really is general just human decency, human decency to say something, but then it like there's a ripple effect, right? Yeah, because then Father's Day comes and you feel contempt and you don't want to do anything, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

And I and I will, I always will, and I always like yeah make sure I go out for his birthdays. Hey, he still comes to Christmas with my family. I know, you know, like I really nice. Do try you guys do that, and I do it for the kids 100%, obviously. But it's just really interesting. And then, like, some of the comments that I got, like, I also just realizing that there is this whole section of single moms that are like, yeah, you know what, I felt like that for a few years, but guess what? Now I go out and I do a 5K run. So that no, this person put into my DNs. I was like, holy, that's crazy. By the way, I took up running. No, um, people saying that, like, okay, rather than like sitting around and waiting to be celebrated or waiting for disappointment, choosing to do something that they can celebrate themselves. So, like running a 5k and being able to celebrate, like that's what I did, and like making these new traditions, or like make cookies or something, you know, like it doesn't have to be active if you don't want it to be.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

Doesn't have to be. You can drink, like I could drink thinking. We got plans, you got it in the calendar for next. I told Steve next year, like, I mean, my baby will be six, five or six months old. I was like, I'm going out on Saturday night, yeah, before Mother's Day with my friends, and then you're gonna treat me well in the morning and you're gonna take care of our baby. And he was like, Great, sounds good. I'll do the same thing on Father's Day. But here's look what I love and what you were saying about like moms supporting moms, and how a lot of the time the support that you need comes from other moms, yeah, and not necessarily your partner. And I was talking to this about like becoming a mom, just like in a total shift, like I'm gonna be a mom and I'm already a mom because I already have a baby in me, but like I'm gonna be a mom on here, yeah like in my house. Here, like trouble, yeah. In how many months? Four five months. Five months, yeah, like less than five months. My best friend's pregnant, and she one of my best friends, not the only best friend. Uh she's having a baby um a month before me. Yeah, and our other best friend had a baby like two months ago or three months ago. And we were just talking about how because our babies are all gonna be the same age, how important it is that we just support each other in every single decision that we want to make. And we were talking about something simple like pumping. And I was like, I heard the hand pump is the best. And she was like, Oh, absolutely not. Like the auto pump is better. And I was like, Well, I'll just try both. And she's like, Yeah, try both. Right. But like, I am really bad at just being like, Oh, yeah, yeah, try that. I would fight to the death and be like, if I had already tried one, I'd be like, no, this one's up, you know. And I saw this post that was like, it says, My favorite side effect of motherhood is becoming a mom's mom, where you support everything that other moms do, as long as it's not, you know, neglectful or dangerous. Yes. Um, but it says epidural, at a girl, unmedicated, queen behavior, c-section, superwoman, breastfeeding, a legend. Formula, iconic. Contact naps, so cozy. Your mom and nanny on speed dial, love them. No village to help, MVP, stay-at-home mom, powerhouse, working mom, unstoppable. Screen time, you know best. Homemade meals, thriving, frozen pizza, always a hit. Homeschooling, brains and beauty, one and done, perfect. Two under two, the dream. Full house, goals. All I want to do is support you. And it's like, and I made me as like a person who is not necessarily good at not trying to convince you that the way I did it is the very best way. Yeah. Even though that's only one way, right? I'm gonna need to be really careful and cognizant of the fact that all three of us girls with kids the same age are gonna have kids of different levels, different personalities, different parents, different parenting. Some all three of us that we're gonna sleep train, at least one of us is gonna end up with a kid in our bed. Like, you know, like it's just and we have to be supportive of everything because otherwise your friendships get ruined. And also, if you don't have your friends, what do you have?

SPEAKER_01 32:55

And I think also when you are a mom, you really realize really quickly every single mom is just trying to keep their head above water. Yes. So if whatever decision you're choosing is what's keeping you afloat just a little bit longer, yeah, and then the next one, and then you have to like, you know, go completely backwards and make the next decision. Yeah, whatever. Whatever keeps your head above water and the children alive, of course. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 33:20

Exactly. Keep your kids alive. Yes, that's all that happens. Okay, anyway, thanks for joining me on this episode of Motherhood, Danae. You can find Danae if you live in Calgary on the radio in the mornings at Virgin Radio Calgary. Um, you can't find me on the radio anymore. Oh my god. Get over I love you. But you can also find you at Danae Meyer, D A N A Y E M A I E R on Instagram. Yay! Okay, bye. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

Thanks for having me. Happy Mother's Day post.