WHY SAYING NO IS POWERFUL SELF CARE STRAGTEGY

 Sometimes we put ourselves off to protect someone feelings or how that person view you but it's a very unhealthy habit to carry so prioritizing yourself in any situation is part of self-care 

In this entry of Flow Reveal Diary, I’m opening up about how I was passively allowing myself to pull all the weight in the relationship because I was not standing up for self to say no and also, I did not allow myself to relax my mental state from over giving. I learned that self-care is protection and respect for one's energy

Thank you for listening.
Love and light ✨
Flow Reveal Diary

 Thank you for listening.
 Love and light ✨
 Flow Reveal Diary

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Flow Reveal Diary, where I share written experiences on healing, spirituality, growth, and truth. My name is Stephanie, and I want to welcome you here in this space with me as always. I want to thank you. So this episode is about self-care. And I'm not talking about self-care where you go into the salon to get a facial and get a face mask and all that good stuff. We were not talking about that. I am talking about self-care that when you prioritize your needs and certain situations, when it comes to people dealing with people, you want you always want to speak your truth and acknowledge that when you speak up and say no to certain things so your energy doesn't deplete. So I want to share my story with you because I experienced that where I was always giving out my energy. And I was giving myself out a lot, and I wasn't prioritizing myself, and that caused a lot of I was just tired and drained constantly. So let me go on with the diary. It says, Dear Diary, March 3rd, 2026. I have decided to take my health very serious. I'm experiencing alopecia. It's severe, especially on the right side of my head. I should have gone to see a doctor when it first started three years ago. I wouldn't be in this mess right now, present day, because it was gradual hair loss. I started seeing small boss spots, but I ignored it because I was so consumed by other things like work, taking care of my kids, and giving too much, too much of myself to my so-called ex-partner. I was leaking my energy and not replenishing it. So slowly my body started to break down. I was constantly having anxiety attacks and I was not seeing anyone about my symptoms. I neglected myself. I was consumed by helping myself to get better instead of going to see a doctor. I had developed an independent mindset during the relationship because it was very one-sided. I had gotten used to this, his treatment, that I reflected it back into my reality. For instance, if I had asked my kid's father to build a bike for me, and this was a scenario where honestly I couldn't could not build this bike for some re I did it because I love building stuff. That's just always been what I like to do. And it was it was crazy because he purchased a bike. He's a truck driver. He went on the road and I had called him and and I told my kid's father, Well, I cannot build the bike. For some reason, the training wheels is causing a lot of problems, and I just cannot seem to get it on. So he's like, Well, don't worry about it. He's gonna come back from work and he's going to build the bike for her, for my daughter. And when he got home from trucking three months later, I kept telling him about it. And I was like, you know, she wants to ride a bike. Yeah, he's like, Yeah, yeah, he's going, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna I'm gonna fix the bike up. Don't worry about it. And I had to keep repeating it to him. He obviously was worried about other things, and he did not, he was not concerned about his child's bike. That never got resolved up until like a year later. I finally fixed the bike. But that's just how it went. And constantly telling someone to do something is is a form of energy leak because you're wasting your energy by telling them all the time to, hey, can you do this for me or help me? It just becomes a one-sided thing. And that's what I was experiencing. So eventually I like I said, I had to build the bike. So I remember another time where we were having a house party, a house party. My kid's father, it just kept going on for years and years, and I accepted the abuse and the way he treated me. And we were having a house party, and we were in the kitchen. I was cooking with him. Well, I was assisting him because at the time it was like uh what year was it was like 2020, I would say 2021. I was there assisting him. Everything was open, you know. I'm not I wasn't the best cook at the time. For some reason, I just I was never into cooking. Maybe just because, again, I just wasn't handling my own mental self. Like that's all about self-care. It's like I I wasn't dealing with any of that. Like I would just put a band-aid on it. I would feel depressed, tired, exhausting, and just keep going, right? I didn't relax, I didn't take time for myself. I didn't go out and just take a deep breath. I just put a band-aid on it and just tell myself I'm okay. I never cried, I just kept going. You know, I never said no. I was such a people pleaser. I just kept doing what he wanted and not saying no. I wasn't standing up for myself. So in this instance, in this scenario, I was in the kitchen with him. He is a great cook. He's a she was a cook before he became a truck driver. And I was assisting him. I was we were okay. Everything was going well. We had cooked up some turk-fried turkey. I I think we made some um, I believe we made some mashed potatoes. We made a lot of food, and I was there helping him. So the last thing that we had left to make was the rice. And I am so good at cooking rice. I've always been good at cooking rice. I had no issues with it. So I went into my room to rest my legs because we were cooking for hours. And his friend came over. So nobody else showed up but one of his male friends. And I heard him talking to my kid's father. I don't know what they were talking about, but I just heard him speaking something. And he's going towards the kitchen because my apartment is the living room is is close to the kitchen, it's not that far away. So I can hear him, his footsteps just going closer to the kitchen. So after I I get up to go greet him, to go greet my my kid's father's friend. And he's like, Yeah, it's so crazy that there's a woman of the house that two men has to cook for her. So when he said that to me, I felt very disrespected because I just didn't understand where he came from. Where did that even come from? Cause we never talked about anything like that. So it was just so out of the blue. So he just then he continues on and say that that two men is gonna cook for for me, like that I'm the woman of the house I should be cooking, basically. So I get frustrated and I go in my room. I'm upset now. So my kid's father, I guess he wanted to, because he he noticed that I was angry, so he came in the room and he's like, What's up? Why are you upset? And I'm like, We didn't have this conversation about your friend cooking the rice because I was gonna do it. And he's like, Yeah, you good, you're okay. You don't have to cook it because you know his name was Big. And he's like, Yeah, Big is good at cooking food, so I want him to do it. So I was like, No, I like he said, I am the woman of the house. We didn't have any discussion about him going to the kitchen to do absolutely anything. So I I got upset at my kid's father about it, and I did get a little bit upset with his friend too, because I it just was disrespectful to me. So then his friend was sad, and he goes to my kid's father. Didn't even come to me. He didn't even come to apologize to me or anything. He just spoke to my kid's father, and he's like, he I took it the wrong way. Basically, I was getting queen treatment where both men is cooking for me. I'm like, no, you're good, you guys are not cooking for me. This is a house party, and you are a guest in my house, and I am the one that's supposed to handle this. This is what I was going to handle. Now, at that moment, I should have stood up for myself. Instead of going running into the room, I should have told him, No, you are a guest, like I said, and you should sit down, have a beer, and relax. Even if the food was disgusting, because I've gone to plenty of house parties and their food was not the best. Yet people still ate it. Yeah, they're gonna talk about it, you know, they're gonna say what they want to say, but that's just how I leaked my energy out and I gave my power away to them, and they he disrespected me in a way and didn't even apologize to me. I was so hurt about it. And then my kid's father had to come in and defend him about the situation, and it was my kid's father's fault because there was no communication. So that was another way of me not prioritizing myself. That in a way is self-care because you have to really acknowledge yourself in that way. And if you continue to leak your energy out that way, people are gonna always run over you. They're gonna always see you as someone they can talk and disrespect when you're not speaking up, when you're shutting down. I always had that habit. Instead of defending myself, I shut down. I just completely shut down and I'll just dismiss myself. I avoid the problem. I try to avoid it because I didn't want to get into an argument or whatever with his friend. Now my kid's father's a different story. Now I didn't I we faced, I faced him. If I got into an argument with him, that was a different story. But with his friend, I should have said something. I shouldn't have let him talk to me in that way. It was just disrespectful to me. Maybe, and his my kid's father called me sensitive. I'm like, no, I'm not sensitive. First of all, I'm your girlfriend, supposedly. You're supposed to protect me in the way that if your friend is disrespecting me, even if I came off overly sensitive, you're supposed to say, look, she's not comfortable with this. You know, she's not comfortable with you um saying, speaking to her like that, even if he didn't mean any anything wrong, you know? Or I should have had said to him that this is not the right way, and I don't want you to do this. I didn't, you know. Thing I had a problem with with myself for so long. I had this issue because I had gotten so accustomed to this habit. Now I have been I've been with my kids' father for 13 years, and I've been him with I've been with him since I was a teenager, and he's much older than me. So I have put in my mind that I never wanted to go out and spend money on myself. I never bought anything for me. It was a rare thing where I didn't feel guilty for buying a purse or going to the mall to buy an outfit. I always felt so guilty because I was so accustomed to going to him and letting him know what I'm doing with my money. It was our money. That's how I viewed it. I viewed it as it is our money and we're gonna communicate to we're gonna communicate with each other to balance things out. So that one person doesn't overspend our savings or things like that in that nature. Cause I I had that mindset. I wanted to make sure that we're balanced enough where I'm not, I'm a woman. When we go, when women go into stores, we want to buy stuff that we want all the time. So I looked at him like, okay, he's just gonna balance me out so I don't overspend. But it became more like guilt, like him watching me. It would it just felt I felt guilty. I felt so guilty because I wasn't in my own position. I felt like I was, he was constantly putting in my mind like, oh, why are you doing this? Why are you spending your money this way? It was like like a like he was my dad, and I was a s a child being controlled, telling me what to do, how I felt the way I should spend things. So I never bought anything that I wanted. I never spent money to flourish the to um to fix the house. And it's and these things. I didn't do it. I'm a woman and I'm not even buying things to to make my house feel like a home. Because I remember when I first got with him, and I used to love doing my hair. That was just something, that was my hobby, to be honest. I used to love doing my hair, and I was really good at it. It had gotten to a point where he was always making me feel horrible for purchasing hair. So I slowly stopped. I slowly stopped and I just completely stopped doing it. It was just the guilt he made me feel. And it was wild because after a while, he would then he would go out and spend money. He would spend money. He would go out and spend money on food. That was his number one problem. He loves spending money on food. Like he would spend like probably two, three hundred dollars on food a week. It was a big problem. And I used to tell him that that is something you have to manage because you're we're not see that two, three hundred dollars we can buy groceries and just cook in a house. And then when I try to cook for him, and again, I I am not the best cook, and we are in a relationship. I understand that he's better. I I felt like there was some because I lacked that. I just for some odd reason, I just don't know what it was. I don't know if it was my taste buds or he just knew how to put it together. I just couldn't. He was a a cook for so long, so he knew he had his taste buds were so much better than mine's. I didn't grow up with a mom who taught me how to cook. So I just didn't really have the the drive for it that much. I mean, it grew over time, but when I was younger at that time, I didn't in my early 20s, middle twenties, I just didn't have the drive to want to cook like that because I didn't get the acknowledgement for it. So when I cook the food, like for instance, in the morning time, breakfast. Breakfast is so simple to cook. Eggs, a little salt and pepper on the eggs, bacon, and you fry the bacon, and you put the sausage and you fry the sausage, whatever, or you put it in the oven. Those are the simple little things. I mean, it doesn't require just some seasoning where you have to keep on tasting to make sure the flavor is right there. And it was not that hard. He would be laying in the bed. See, I'm overdoing this, and I didn't get this treatment. I wasn't getting no breakfast in bed treatment. I wasn't. Probably once in the in the blue moon, once in the full moon, let's say, he would do it. He would get up and cook some breakfast. And actually, I would have to get up out of the bed and go get the breakfast myself. While he's in bed, I cook breakfast in him, makes him make him some smoothie. I'll go in the room and say, Hey, what do you want? Do you want breakfast? And you probably he's in the middle of sleep, and then he wakes up and you say, Yeah, I want some breakfast. And and I'll tell him, I'm gonna make you some smoothie too. He's like, Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that. And then um he'll go back to sleep for a little bit, he'll doze off. I'm finished with cooking the breakfast. I'm finished cooking breakfast and making him smoothie. So I go into the room and I tell him, Here, you your breakfast is ready. So he'll get up. He's like, Yeah, I'm gonna eat it. And then he'll put it to the side. And like 30 minutes later, the breakfast is sitting right on the side of the cap of the dresser, on the side of the bed. I will get so upset and I'll tell him, I would say, Why are you doing this? I just made you some breakfast and made you a smoothie. It's gonna get cold. And when breakfast gets cold, eggs doesn't, it doesn't taste really that good. I mean, he could have heated up and stuff like that, but I just felt like I made breakfast for you, so it's only right to just acknowledge that. Like, okay, well, I'm getting this king treatment. You always want and I'm I'm I'm giving you the king treatment. So what's up? Why you not eating it? He's like, oh, you're tripping. You tripping, you always tripping. I'm gonna eat the food. That's what he always say. He'll eat a little bit, he'll get out of bed, because he love, that was his other habit. And I used to always tell him again, I'm like his mom, leaking energy again. I was I was just always telling him, Don't he'll sleep all morning, all morning, because he's out all night. He'll get off of work, he'll go out and hang out with his friends in the middle of the I mean the whole day. He get off of work probably like six, seven o'clock at night, and then the rest of the night he's out with his friends drinking. He'll come home probably like three, four o'clock in the morning, then come the next day, he's in bed all morning long. And I would have to tell him, because that was I'm not hanging out with him. So that was another thing that that was a problem. And I feel like I always kept having to speak to him and again leaking my energy out, over talking, over talking, just I was just chasing him. So, anyways, so he ate a little bit of the breakfast. He was as usual. This is what he always did. He probably eat a little bit of it, and then go into the kitchen, get himself ready. And then once it hits like one or two o'clock, he's probably going off to work. If it's weekends, he is getting ready to go to his number one spot. He always went to his area right there in Riverland. He always went to Riverland. That was his little spot to go hang with his homeboys. And then right there, while he's there, he's out buying food again. That was his number one problem. But, you know, throughout this relationship, situationship, I call it, because it wasn't really a relationship. Now that I've grown older, it just took me some time to realize that I was never in a relationship. I was in a relationship with someone who needed a mother, who needed a mother, and that's what I was doing to giving him. And I was definitely not I had three kids. I had two two girls and an adult child, an adult male child. That's what it was. I gave myself up too much. And I after a long time of doing this, I started to get sick and I realized that he was depleting my energy. He was just sucking my energy dry. And I wasn't prioritizing myself because I wasn't even going to the doctor. I didn't go to the doctor, I didn't say I didn't stand up for myself, I didn't say no. I always said yes. I felt guilty if I said no. I would jump my I would jump would jump hoops from him. You know, and it was it wasn't just him too, because in I believe in the previous um my previous episodes that I mentioned that it all started with my mom. That's that's where it all ignited from that people-pleasing energy. It came from her because I was so I had everything she needed me to do, I was doing it for her. And then that it just could stinned from there. And that broke off to dealing with him and always trying to be there for him, running for him, telling him what to do. This is what he's not supposed to do. This, this, it was just it was so c overconsuming. But I did learn a lot because we are now I've set complete boundaries with this man. This his when you start to remove yourself out of a situation that is no longer good for your your spirit, you start to see the ugly side of that person. My God, I mean, he's his true side. I mean, he was showing it to me, but it was more like I was I didn't notice it because I was still so blinded and I accepted his behavior. But once my eyes completely opened, I just started seeing how narcissistic he was. He woke he was always narcissist, narcissists. I just accepted his his the way he was treating me because I was so low in my own energy. I felt so worthless for a very long time. So as a child and growing up to being a young adult and not dealing with my self-esteem and all these other issues that um that have as a young child because of abandonment issues and all that unnecessary stuff, it created this mental limiting idea that I deserved him for the the way he was treating me. Because I'm a very sensitive, empathic person. I'm very sensitive. I am. And he used to say these things that you're overly sensitive or you're talking too much, you don't know what you're talking about. And all this was just because I was coming from a state of nurturing. And he abused that. He knew that I was a very nurturing person. So he took advantage of that because he was wounded. I learned, I learned I need to love myself unconditionally. And that isn't if someone is not making me feel right and I don't like it, I'm just gonna tell them no. I don't have to be rude. We don't have to get into an argument, we don't have to get into a confrontation. I that's another thing I have learned that reaction is is a very horrible thing when you're getting into don't come off at a you do not want to deal with any situation from a uh an angry state. You always have to calm yourself down and reflect on it before you say anything else because that's how things just get out of hand. And though dealing with him because he's a narcissist, I always got triggered. So I am learning not to, I have learned it's a it's still a development in 2026, it's a development progressing, even though I stopped talking to him completely. But I have learned that you just cannot react to certain situations from an anger, angry state. You know, you have to always be emotionally calm to handle situations because it just doesn't go good. And you're you're calm in from an energy perspective, you're just giving yourself, you're giving your power away. No matter how much you want to look at it, like you're trying to defend yourself. It doesn't, in the energetic world, it doesn't look like the you're defending yourself. It just looks like your energy is leaking. They have a hold on you because not only do they have a hold on you, it's a a mental chain. Like a, if you can imagine a chain being can like a, you know, when a dog, when you have your chain and you're you tie the the chain up. Up on the pole. It's the same concept if you understand. But it's the same thing. You're just chained to this person. And no matter how much that you're creating a cord. So self-care is like you have to prioritize yourself. To break that cord, you have to slowly and understand what is your needs. How do you feel inside? How does this person make you feel? If they're making you feel horrible, you have to start exiting yourself. You have to start setting boundaries. You have to say no and learn that if it doesn't, if it's affecting you on an emotional level, it's going to affect you mentally. It's draining. It is a draining thing. And energy is very real. And we need to start to understand that. Just it's just we have to like understand that. Foremost. To always take care of ourselves first. And the number one thing is don't be a people pleaser. Don't. You could be nurturing and empathetic, but to a certain degree. You know? Always say no. If it goes against you, if you if it go the situation goes against your judgment, and you know emotionally it's affecting you, and you can feel it inside your body, like your consciousness is talking to you. Because it will sell it will send signs out into your body, then just let it go. Just say no. They're gonna they're gonna get mad. The person you say no to, they're gonna always get mad. Because they're they're used to you being a certain way, and they're used to saying they're used to you saying yes all the time. So when you say no to them, they're gonna get upset, and that's okay. So what? Let them get upset because at the end of the day, you're breaking free from their chain. You don't want to give your power away. Forget them. So I want to end this because let me go into my diary. Cause yeah, self-care is sometimes you just gotta be selfish. I mean, even with your kids, with any damn body, okay? It's just sometimes you just gotta do that. Self care is not just about pampering yourself, self care is respect for yourself. So until next time, love and light to you. Be righteous within and without. And thank you for listening.