4 Things Men Secretly Wish Women Believed About Them

Most men will never say these things out loud…
but they deeply hope the woman they love believes them.

When a man feels trusted, respected, and believed in, it changes everything.

These 4 things may seem simple, but they have the power to strengthen a relationship in ways most people don’t realize.

One important caveat: this principle applies to good men, not the ones intentionally breaking your heart. This advice is not meant for men who behave in toxic or destructive ways.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome to the official Fascinating Womanhood Podcast, where we explore timeless principles for developing true femininity, inspiring authentic masculinity, and building strong, loving, and lasting relationships. I'm Cherry Lynn and I'm here with my mom, Dixie Andolyn Forsythe. Together we'll dive into the heart of what makes relationships thrive, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt conversations to help you live a more fulfilled and fascinating life.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Today we are talking about four things men need you to believe about them. Why are we talking about this today? Good men, we assume it. Yeah, we have to put a little parentheses in there. Good men.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Men are quite different than we are, and we need to understand how they think. And this helps us to do that.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

I almost want to change the word to believe about them, things that they crave from us. Yes. Yes. Yeah. They're really craving these things from us. And it's just helpful to know this about them, to understand them.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Mm-hmm. That's right. These are things that are important to men. A lot of them are important to us too, but we're focusing on men and the things that we can do to help that. Sometimes we believe in them and we don't communicate it.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Yeah, I agree. And I think that anybody out there that is maybe new to fascinating womanhood, I think this is a really great topic because it's covering just kind of the basics. So the first one is his honesty.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

This is a basic honesty where you you recognize when he makes a mistake that you're not condemning him, that you know that what he means and you're not taking him for granted. And if he's accused of something, you're on his side. What we like to say is you you become his biggest fan.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

What about what if he isn't, you're not sure if he's honest?

SPEAKER_02 1:54

Did did you marry him like this, or was he always like this? And that's the question that individuals would have to answer because honesty is pretty basic and pretty important. And I think what we tend to do as women is we kind of act like we don't trust them sometimes over time, when actually when it comes down to what we do, or like not taking him for granted.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

When I'm thinking of this one with honesty and us needing to believe him, I immediately think of the beginning when you first meet him, because I think a lot of women and young women will meet a man and they automatically have a distrust for men. Oh, I see. They carry that distrust or just distrust in general. Maybe it's not men only. Maybe it's just a distrust, or maybe it's specific to men, but either way, they carry this with them and they're not even really aware of it.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

I don't trust him because guys are this, or maybe your mom taught you that men shouldn't be trusted, or maybe your parents are divorced and you think that men are, you know, all these things. And I that I don't know why this one makes me think of that. It's like what happened in the beginning when you first met him. How much did you believe that he was being honest? And how much did you give that to him for free right away?

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Yeah, and that's true. And some of that is being aware of yourself and like if you don't trust men, where that came from, because logically, all men are not people to mistrust. They're not all the same, just like we're not all the same. So sometimes people have a distrust of men because of experiences they've had with a family member, they may have been sexually abused, or so they they put that on all men and don't realize that they're doing it.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Yeah, and and if if this is a guy that you're in a relationship with, but he constantly kind of has this feeling of that you think he is trying to get away with things, and you just kind of think that he is not honorable in that way. Um, I think that that's really going to make him kind of pull away from you.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Yeah. Yeah. I mean the assumption that men are stupid is not a wise one to take. It's anti-civilization for one. And but we also have times in our lives, not all of us, but where we many of us grow up not trusting men. Sometimes I've met women who've said their mother told them to never trust a man. She couldn't trust her husband or the man that she knew in her life. So it can be generational.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Well, and trust doesn't mean that you agree with everything. And trust doesn't mean that you, okay, you think he's honest, therefore you just kind of like let everything just go and everything's loosey-goosey all the time. It's just about, you know, giving him that benefit of the doubt, innocent until proven guilty kind of mindset that you're giving him. And I think it's also about expressing these things to him, not just not just thinking it, like you said earlier, you said it has to be genuine. Yes, it needs to be genuine, but also expressing it that you trust him, that you believe in him, and you believe that he will be honest. Exactly. And it yeah. And you know, it's how we want to be treated too. Right. But it seems like a small thing. Oh, he's honest. Like, okay, well, but but if you're constantly kind of like in this mindset of second guessing him and questioning him, it's going to create a wall for him.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

Yeah. I mean, have you ever been around men who distrust women? It's uncomfortable. Yeah. Do you feel like you're judged you're judged for the fact that you're a woman rather than who you are?

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Yeah, and we're all lumped into that one category. Nobody wants that.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

No, nobody wants it.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Okay, the second one is his sincerity.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Yeah, that's a really important one. That one really is about his intent. And when you know him and you, if you say, I know him, you should know what his intent is. What is his heart? What is he trying to do? What did he mean to do rather than just what he did? Especially if you're struggling to see the good in him. Sincerity, a lot of times we assume somebody is not sincere when actually they are. We assume they're not sincere because of words they speak, maybe, rather than like if you say you know him, what does he intend?

SPEAKER_01 6:28

So, what is a good example of this in an everyday scenario? Uh, just to kind of paint the picture of the R.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Okay, something that happens to me sometimes is I'll ask Bob, when you come home from the hospital, would you mind getting these three things from the grocery store? I I hate to say it, but unless and he turns his phone off in the hospital, so I can't call him. Uh, and I can text him, but he he probably won't hear it. But he often forgets and he'll come home, oh, I forgot. So, you know, his he intended to do it. He didn't just, oh sure, and had no intention of doing it. I know he intends to do it. So granting him the the grace, if you will, uh that like I know him, he intended to do it, but he was probably thinking about something with work or something, and he forgot. And actually realizing myself that it was a favor he was doing for me. It was not really his job. He was just out anyway, and taking responsibility for the fact that I know that he might forget. So getting upset with him for forgetting is not to me not really fair and not really wise because I know his intent.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

I think this one is also about your expectations as a woman and what you expect from him. If you ask him to babysit for you for your kids, or if you ask him to cook dinner for you, or something that you would expect a certain thing. Maybe you don't not even really aware that you expect something out of it, but in your mind you have this picture of what you want him to do, but then the outcome we've all been. Yeah. Well, I remember when we were kids and you would be gone. Not very often, would you be gone? But when you would be gone, dad would always make us mac and cheese for dinner.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Because he knew how to do it's the box stuff, not from scratch.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Well, it's the only thing he knew how to make, really. And that's that was just him. I know not all men are like that, but you didn't ever scold him for that. You knew that he sincerely was trying to take care of us the best way that he could. You could have easily, very, very easily scolded him for not making a big meal and full, you know, a vegetable or like or at least a salad to have some vegetables in there. Well, have the table set and like have nice dishes and things. I don't, I know not everyone is like that, but I think some women have these expectations, and then therefore the man has failed in your eyes. He has failed you because you subconsciously have these expectations that this is how dinner needs to be, or this is how I want you to bathe the kids and put them to bed. I want their story, I want this. And there's almost like a checklist in your head of your mind sometimes. And we all do this though. I mean, we all do this as it's in our nature to have an expectation, especially when it comes to kids. Oh my goodness. I feel like that's a big, big part of it here.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

And he would um he would also often not think to do the dishes. It just didn't occur to him. Um sometimes, um, you know, he's got a lot on his mind. Uh he'll say, Would you like me to help? And I'll say, Yeah, could you set the table? And more than once I've gone in there and the plates are on, but nothing else. And he's just walked off and he got a phone call or something, and he came back and say, Were you gonna say, Oh yeah, you know, he didn't he didn't finish it because he got distracted by something else. And then but then he he says, Oh yeah, sorry about that. And then he does it. But there are sometimes women will uh nail their husbands for that.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Yes, yeah. Well, and don't give him something that you want him to do if you know that it's more than likely not going to be done to your standard. If you want him to if you want him to clean the kitchen before you have a bunch of guests come over, and that's not really his best area in the past, don't give him that thing to do. Give him something to do.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

That he's good at.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Yeah, but don't assume that he is not sincere. That's the part about this that I think is so valuable is that okay, maybe you do give him the right thing to do, but inside you're kind of muttering, like, why can't he just do it the way I want him to do it? Well, that's the part that's gonna come out later, whether you realize it or not. He's gonna sense that. He's not a dummy. Yeah, he's gonna sense it, but he may not know where it comes from. Right, that's true. He may not know where it comes from, but he's gonna sense that you he disappointed you. I of course this is gonna happen. You know, it's not gonna be life, isn't gonna be perfect, and you're gonna do this all the time perfectly, but it's just about striving for that. Okay, well, he is trying, like you said, his intent. What was he trying to do? Did he try? Um, I know for this last Christmas, I asked my husband to wrap some presents because I was getting behind. And I should have known better because what did he do? Because he just wrap he throws them in bags and he found bags to throw things in. And I had kind of not even realized in my head, oh, well, of course you want to wrap those things because it's Christmas. But it's just a small example of something where it's like, well, at least he tried, and I'm not gonna re-wrap them. I'm not gonna next time I probably won't give him that to do, but it's about seeing the best in him.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

And I know, I know your husband, he's quite picky about so many things. It's just that that was not one of them. And that reminded me that Bob is very similar to that. If I ask him to vacuum the living room, he's very good at that and very thorough, perhaps even more so than I am, but not with uh some things. And I know I've known him all these years. I know this, so I should not expect if he offers, I can take him up on it, but not expect him to do it better than he did it last time.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Yes, exactly. I mean, the other day my husband fixed our dishwasher, it was broken. And he I was so impressed that he pulled it out, fixed it, and I thought we were gonna have to get a new one, but he figured it out. But when I helped him push the dishwasher back into the wall, I couldn't notice, I couldn't help but notice this huge scratch on our kitchen floor.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Where the floor was I mean, it's very damaged right now, and there's a big spot and area where it just is gonna stuck, it's permanent. And I saw it and my heart kind of just dropped. It's a wood floor, it's a wood floor, yeah. And um I had to think to myself, I could have easily said something. I didn't say anything. Uh in the past, I would have, I absolutely would have said something because it's our floors, but I I recognized in that moment, okay, he just he just saved us thousands of dollars fixing this. Maybe we can fix this down the road, and not looking and saying, Well, gosh, you messed that up.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

Like Did he notice the floor? He usually would notice it.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Oh, he did, and he felt terrible. He didn't say a whole lot, but I knew he was touching it, and I could see that he was so disappointed in himself. And I think that's where you have to have that sincerity there and belief in him and saying, like, okay, well, look what he did. Oh no, he knows he did something wrong. I'm not gonna rub it in. I make mistakes too. I mean, I've I've I've made scratches in the floors, I've actually nailed things into the wall and made too many holes a couple of times because Oh, I've done that. I mean, you've got to remember that you're not perfect either. And so that's that's where some of this will come from genuinely, I think, is like if if you're struggling to do this genuinely, you're probably not taking like a deep look at the mistakes that you make as well. And everybody does.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Well, there's another thing that you can take from this number two on sincerity, is that if you are a person who does that he does bel know that you believe that about him, he's more likely to fix the dishwasher than if he knows over time that you he constantly gets criticized. He may not want to, he may not want to venture to fix it because he might make a mistake and get in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Okay, that's the second one. Uh the third one is his courage.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Yeah, we we live in a time where men aren't always out fighting in hand-to-hand combat, yeah, or going to kill their meat for dinner, things like that. So, but there's a great deal of courage that men have in ordinary, everyday things. I mean, even going out, I know you live in a colder climate than I do, going out in the cold when you're tired, you don't really feel like it. And you do it anyway because you're committed to it. It takes and it and all the way from that to doing something, uh applying for a job or starting a company that isn't is risky and you don't have guarantees. And uh that also takes courage. There's a lot of ways that men can display courage, and when you recognize it and let them know that they're their your hero, um, he needs to feel courageous.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

It's one of men's needs. I think courage comes in so many different forms, and I like that you brought up the the job example because it does take a lot of courage to get up in the morning. Like I know this morning my husband got up at five to go to work, and I used to do that too, but it it's not really about keeping score and it's not comparing men to women, it's just simply looking for that courage and commenting on it when you see it and admiring him for it.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

Well, everybody knows it takes courage to apply for jobs. Who likes doing that? You you risk rejection and you risk all kinds of things, but they do it anyway. And the fact that you recognize that they are they're trying to protect you and bring home money and make our life better.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Yeah, I like that that part you you bring up about protection because men are primarily the protectors in our lives, and whether they're physically doing it every day or not, or you feel that from them, ultimately they're the ones that are here to protect us. That's what our armies are made of. That's what the majority of our firefighters are made of. I know there's women in there too, but the majority of men are the ones that are protecting us, and it falls on them to protect us. And I think we kind of forget that, especially with this extreme feminist society we live in. We forget that.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

I know um one of your sisters was in a situation years ago where she worked at this job, and her husband had the same worked at the same place, and she was being bullied by a customer, and he just came right in there and and just kind of stood between her and the customer and protected her emotionally. She wasn't being physically threatened. And just the fact that he is that protective of her makes her feel safe. Yeah, emotionally safe because and the fact that she couldn't do what he did. She she didn't she didn't have the presence. She's not, she's um, she's real sensitive. She's not she's not a a big tough person, and but he is.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Well, and I think women are are courageous, and we like to be admired for courage, but I think that men, it's like I almost want to say it's a little bit higher up on their list of of things that they crave. They really love it's like they love to be strong, they love to be a protector, they love to be recognized for their courage.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

It's just like you could like one thing we can do as women is if your husband goes out, applies for a job, and doesn't get it, we can appreciate the courage it took to do it, instead of maybe advice on how he could do it better next time. Appreciate the courage that he he did it and tried. Sometimes men try out for jobs that are kind of a long shot for him because they may not be quite qualified for him, but they do it anyway. That takes courage. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

Well, there's a lot of things that they do that take courage that I don't think we even recognize. The men that that, like we mentioned, protect us, the men that build for us. How many female construction workers do you see out there lifting cement? Yeah, I don't see very many women building our highways and our skyscrapers. You know, the men are doing these things, and granted, that may not be your husband, but I think a general belief that men are here and they're valuable and they they have a lot of courage. I mean, think about how many men are going to these jewelry stores picking out an engagement ring and how how much courage it takes to have to ask a woman to marry you. There's so many things I think we forget about that men have to do that we know appreciate.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

This reminds me of a post I've seen it several times, post people, various people post it. What would the world be like if if all the men were suddenly gone? And all these women write things like no wars, peace. And I thought civilization would be gone. I mean, we don't we often don't recognize the things they do that we hate. We don't want to do the mining, we don't want to repair our roads, we don't want to go front lines in the army, not too many of us. And uh we there's a lot of things we do not want, dangerous things. We don't we don't want to repair sewers and dig sewers.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

I have never seen a female plumber in my life.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

I don't we just we just don't like it. And so we and it and you know, because some of those things are not only dirty, they some of them can be dangerous, like underwater welding. It's it's kind of a dang we just don't want to do it. And deep sea diving in the North Atlantic for crabs, I it's one of the most dangerous positions and I read that the reason uh there's not as many women, commercial airline pilots that fly these huge jumbo jets, and it isn't that they can't manage the equipment, but there's a certain amount of physical strength it takes, and there are a few women, but they don't tend to like it. Yeah. So so it it and you know, for me, I do think there's some courage in flying some of these planes all over the world. Um, there's more, there's more uh chance she'll get sick. There's all sicknesses that you can get going country from country to country with germs and stuff you're not used to. I mean, men do so many things that we take for granted, we can take for granted, and not only that, law enforcement. Oh it just sounds so hard.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

It's funny because we were watching my husband and my son, we were watching the hunt for Red October the other day.

SPEAKER_03 21:34

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

It's a Cold War movie. Yeah, and in the very first 10 minutes, I just couldn't help it. I just said I would be absolutely terrified to work in a submarine under the water. Yes, and then you think a torpedo is coming at you. You know what my my 13 year old son said? He goes, Why? Why?

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Like he thought it was

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Yeah, he thought it was, yeah. And it made me realize, you know, and I knew we were gonna do this podcast, and it made me realize it's like, you know, that's just yet another thing that they have the courage to do things like that. And I'm not saying that women don't, I'm sure there's some women out there that have the courage to do that, but not everybody's like me. But I think the majority of us, like, there's so many things that they do that we wouldn't have the courage to. Now we have courage. I mean, we have the courage to have babies for crying out. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:29

Well, men don't have that kind of courage. Even if they could have babies, it absolutely terrifies most men. And um, pain and the things we do that take courage are things like getting up in the night, night after night with a sick child or with a nursing baby. It's just different, but men need to be appreciated for their courage. And that's the difference.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

And here's the difference between us being courageous and them being courageous. I don't necessarily crave him coming or anybody coming up to me and being like, wow, that took so much courage to have a baby. Well, okay, yeah, it did, but more like I want to be loved and cherished because of the sacrifices that I've made, or I want to be um, you know, given grace for some of the the things going on that come on come with that. Those are those are higher up on my list. Whereas for men, being courageous is high up on their list of things that they want from us. They want us to see them that way.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

And they want us to believe it about them. And for us to believe it, they need to, it needs to be communicated to them.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Exactly. We can't just, it's not enough to genuinely admire the their courage. We have to say it. We have to point it out and not in a fake way, not not in a, oh, I guess I need to say this. It needs to be in a natural way. When you see it, get in the habit of just saying it.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Um, and I love what you said about going to work. And I think it's not all these big grand things like we're we're talking about building buildings and protecting us. It's it's sometimes tiny little things that they do, taking care of something difficult. I know for me, I really love the courage that my husband has to discipline our kids when they've done something wrong or you know, they've done something that has hurt me. And I just think to myself, I just don't have the energy or the courage to deal with this right now. And he does. And that can be a tiny way that he is courageous and you are grateful for it and you say something.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

I think it takes courage to go in and apply for a loan. I mean, just things like that for house loans, for any kind of loans.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Uh taking care of the car pro oh my god, cars make me so nervous when it comes to repair because I don't know a lot about it. And he just waltzes in there and I'll say, Well, why are you telling me I need to be doing this when I when we really need to be and we need to do this? And you told me last time I didn't need to do. And he has so much courage to take this on. And it's not that he's mean to them or rude, it's that he has the courage to deal with these difficult things that I don't have the courage to do. On difficult people. Well, and I think a lot of women that kind of, you know, have this idea in their heads that their husbands are wimps. Uh there's a lot of women like that. You know, they love their husbands, but they kind of look down on them. It's the it's the married with children kind of pop culture or uh cliche that a lot of women fall into. I don't think they they genuinely recognize what their husband does that has courage in it. I agree. Yeah. Okay, and then the fourth one, the last one, is his nobility.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

You know, and you could also define that as a moral compass, his morality. And to me, that is that is really important. If your husband, and like I know mine is, he would do the right thing whether anyone was there or not. And and and but men are seldom appreciated for that. The fact that he he will go out of his way for somebody or d go some extra step. I know, I know your husband has done that. He's gone and helped somebody just um because he saw that they needed help and and so he stopped and did it and tries to be and he's consistent with his values. He he's he says things that he believes and he actually lives like that, stands by his word. I mean, those that's a kind of nobility that you can't can't really put a price on, and we often don't recognize it verbally. Does he know that does he know that you honor that and appreciate that?

SPEAKER_01 26:40

Well, I think most women might be rolling their eyes and being like, well, he's not, you know, they look for the imperfections and it's so easy to jump to those. But most of us out there, most good people, that's why we said this is about good men, generally, most good men have standards and they have a moral compass. They have a set of values that they live by. And maybe they're not the exact ones that you have, and maybe they're not identical and you wish that they were better. But his his things that he stands by, his moral compass, if he is sticking by it and showing it, you need to say something about it. You need to recognize that he is he is a good man.

SPEAKER_02 27:25

If you if you believe these things about him, but he doesn't know it, it's kind of beside the point. The point is that men need to know that you believe it.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

Right. And if he makes a mistake, I think this is also about when he makes mistakes. When he makes a mistake and you challenge him as if he's a bad person, I think that's also part of it. Is well, did you give him grace and say, okay, well, you know, he made a mistake, but I know he's a good man. I know who I marry. I know, and maybe this isn't your your husband, it could be your boyfriend, it could be someone in your family, it could be a friend. But generally, men really need you to see that they are uh sticking by their morals.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

If you've ever had anybody in your life, whether it was a parent or anybody, say to you, I like you just the way you are, don't change, the feeling that that gives you is kind of incomparable because you feel like you can't lose. Even though they know you're you're far from perfect, that you're acceptable as they as you are. And and but we're going a step further and saying they need to know that you feel these ways about them.

SPEAKER_01 28:35

Well, I think there's a lot of ladies that might be out there be thinking, well, this is no big deal. You know, everybody should have standards, everybody should have a moral compass. So why do you think this is really higher up on the list for men? Why do they need this so much?

SPEAKER_02 28:49

Uh I think it's part of their masculine. Well, they don't have babies. We're the only ones that can have babies. They there's things that are important to them because they need to feel like they're contributing something valuable to life, to society. They can't have have babies. And so it's their it's kind of like their what they need that is unique in some ways to them. It's for them that we can appreciate their contribution. Yeah. I mean, what like this somebody posted that. Why do we need men? There's and men need to know that they're needed. Can you imagine feeling like you're completely unnecessary?

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Well, and I think that's what men are kind of lumped into this category in today. I hate to say it, but it's more and more popular for women to kind of bash them and assume that they're not they're not great. They're not maybe white knights all the time, but they do things that are that stand up for what's right. How many times do you see on the news these cars that flip over? And who jumps out? And this is also part of the courage one, but they jump out of their car immediately, without hesitation, and lift the car up and help someone. It's because they have that standard of that's part of their moral compass that I will help and jump, jump out of my car and rescue someone if they need my help.

SPEAKER_02 30:17

Yeah, I've seen uh police cam videos where a policeman, a lone policeman, is trying to take a person down. It's a traffic stop that's gone bad or something, and and a passenger, not a passenger, but a bystander will stop their car and come and help the police officer uh just out of the blue, because he saw there was a need. I wouldn't do that because I would not be of any help to do that. He'll just he'll just help get on top of the person and restrain them if they're trying to to either pull a gun on the officer. Sometimes I saw one where the the guy was trying to pull the officer's gun out of the officer's holster, basically to shoot the officer. So and these guys will come come just sort of the good Samaritan types, they'll just enter into the fray and just do it without any responsibility to do it, they just do it.

SPEAKER_01 31:13

Well, and this can feel a little bit like a leap of faith for some of us ladies, because you know, if he makes a maybe mistake of some kind and you think, well, I can't trust him anymore. You know, he's not, but you you need to look past those mistakes, is what we're saying. Try to try to look past those mistakes and recognize, you know what, he's a good man, especially for those. Especially for those of us that are married. If you married him, you must have seen something really wonderful in him. Does this one mistake define him? I think this is what a lot of us get into, is he hurt my feelings too many times? And um, you know, I'm he's a bad man.

SPEAKER_02 31:58

And yeah, but if you're married to a basically good man and you lose trust for that man, there's not much hope for anybody else because everyone is imperfect. Every person that you've ever maybe idolized on the screen or as a character is just a person that's full of uh that's full of virtues and vices. Well, at least most a good man are. There's some kind of bad ones that we have to be careful of. Of course.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

And we'll talk about the bad ones here in a minute. But I do have a good, I think, a good example of this nobility one uh that I might be relatable to some of the ladies that are wanting to understand this more. My husband a couple years ago got into a traffic fender bender, and I know dad has gotten into some speech. So I'm sure you can do you can relate to this one a little bit. But my husband is kind of got an impeccable driving record, and he's a very, he's very prideful in his driving, but he got into a fender bender and it was his fault. And it was a couple of years ago. And recently, uh, my son, who is starting high school soon, was asking about who's gonna teach him to drive. And this is where this nobility thing comes in. I could tell when he said, Who's gonna teach me to drive? I could see in my husband's eyes, he looked at me like he was worried that I was gonna judge him for that because I haven't gotten into an accident in goodness, 20 years or something. So I think he looked at me thinking, is she gonna judge me and say that I shouldn't be the one to teach our son how to drive? But I knew this was coming. I think I just kind of knew this was gonna be down the road a problem that he was gonna think that I would hold against him. Because it, you know, when you get into a fender bender, it makes your insurance go up. You have cars. You feel like a fool. Yes, you feel like a fool, and it's frustrating. So I very much intentionally looked at him and I was like, Well, your dad's gonna teach you how to drive, obviously. He's he's the better driver because he really is the better driver. And I I recognized in that moment, you know what? I really do genuinely think he's a better driver than me. And I think he's the better teacher. And so what that he made that one mistake. So, and I that's just a tiny example, but I think this is one of those things where they really appreciate that in you, that you can look past those relatively smaller things and say, Well, you know what, you you made a mistake, but I I still believe in you that you're that you're a wonderful person.

SPEAKER_02 34:33

Yeah, that's a great ability to do this. And again, with every one of these, it seems like we need to look at the broad picture of the man and all these things instead of focus on the little thing.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

Okay, so now that we've gone through the four things, as I mentioned earlier, we did a video about this on YouTube a while back, and we had several questions on the video, and we thought this would be a great opportunity to answer those. So we'll jump to the most obvious one, which I'm sure everyone who's listening to this has already thought of multiple times. What about the men who are bums who have violated trust in the past?

SPEAKER_02 35:10

I guess I guess it depends how violating it was, what exactly it was. Because sometimes some women would count what your husband did with the fender bender as a bum who violated trust in the past. And and I just don't think that that qualifies for that. So when you talk about men who are not basically good men, that's a different that's a that's a different scenario.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

The problem right there is that if you you're basically good, meaning that you are striving to be intent. You have a goal, you have a goal in mind and you you're trying and you're striving. Now, that doesn't really work if you say, Oh, I'm trying so hard not to cheat, but I keep doing it. That's a little different. That's not what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

No, that's a lot truly is a bum. That's well, and his that his that isn't his intent. He's just his wishful thinking is different than intent.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

Right. If he's genuinely, you you all should hopefully know what we're talking about. If you're genuinely putting forth effort in his life and in his relationships, and you can tell that he's trying, but he has violated trust in the past. Then what?

SPEAKER_02 36:21

In the past. Well, it depends what it is and and how bad is violated. Is he had an affair that's different than if he forgot to bring home a cube of butter, you know. Is your husband got sociopathic tendencies, which is basically like not much of a conscience? Um that's different than somebody who made a mistake. But if somebody has violated trust in the past, you think they're still a basically good person, if just based on that, just not much detail in that question, I'd say, you know, can you look for w why, what did you see in him? What are his what are his strengths? Uh is this something that was uh a one time he he blew it kind of a thing, or is it is it a deal breaker?

SPEAKER_01 37:09

Well, and this is where I would say to kind of you have to kind of turn the tables a little bit and say, what if when have I ever violated trust with someone in my life? Because I think there's very few human beings that have never messed up in a real in a relationship, whether a friendship, whether a family member or or a romantic relationship. You've done it before, and how did you feel and when they gave you another chance? A real bum would do it perpetually. Okay, so it sounds like with this one it's just about depending on what it is and who it is, who it is, and if it's not so severe, and if the person has this history of basically being good, can you give them another chance?

SPEAKER_02 37:55

Yeah, but see, here's the problem who gets to judge him as a bum? Sometimes women will say he's a bum when he's actually just misunderstood.

SPEAKER_01 38:05

Well, there are truly bad, you know, situations that truly are happening. And I I've talked to several women where they truly are dealing with something bad. So I think it just depends on what it is. And we've done other podcasts and videos about those really severe things. So if it's really severe and it's damaging, that's another topic. This this topic is more about generally good men. That's why it says in the title, good men need you to believe about them. If he's a good man, but he's made some mistakes, it's about looking to who he truly is at his core. That's kind of what message I'm taking away from this.

SPEAKER_02 38:47

If he is a bum, he's gonna keep doing it. And you're and you're gonna have to face that. He's gonna keep doing it. If he's a bum, violated trust in the past, he's gonna keep doing it.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

The second one is what about non-romantic relationships? Are you are are these things going to apply? I remember the context of this one. It was kind of like, do these apply to people that Jesus apply to all men? And are you sending romantic kind of signals to men by doing this for just your everyday kind of guy?

SPEAKER_02 39:16

And this can apply to your brothers, your uncles, your father, co-worker. I mean, you know, when you it this is part of charm too, which we don't just charming to the men that we're in love with. We want to be a charming person in general. And so these you things that good that good men need you to believe about them, your tendency will be to believe that about all people unless they prove you wrong. Like if anyone who's seen uh Gone with the Wind, the Melanie Hamilton type, she assumed most people were good and assumed the best about them unless she was proved wrong.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

I can totally, I can absolutely hear women out there like listening to this and and thinking, oh, this is flirting. All this has to do with flirting. It depends how you it depends what your intent is. Well, some women don't know how to do this without flirting. Well, that's true. Some women are used to turning all of these things on in a flirtatious way. Do they not really know themselves to know that that's what they're doing? They don't know how to do this genuinely is what I'm what I'm taking away from it. Is that just because you admire someone doesn't mean that you're in love with them.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

Well, yeah, you can admire Gandhi and you can admire you can admire actors and not be in love with them.

SPEAKER_01 40:37

Uh well, you're not sending a message. And I think some men, you know, the men that are gonna take take flirting when they can get it are gonna find it no matter no matter what. But I think if you're if you are genu genuinely noticing these things in men, it applies to everyone, including um women, younger, including younger boys, including teenagers, include like if you have sons, this is huge, all of these things are very important to your sons.

SPEAKER_02 41:03

For raising sons, for raising children, yeah. Yeah. And and boys don't get anywhere near enough of this as a rule, either. And we live in a world now where men and boys are uh this toxic masculinity stuff has left them potentially many times feeling like, what am I good for? Exactly. Well, he's in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 41:26

Girls put boys down these days. Uh in in middle school, and where my son is right now, like he he feels it. He feels girls treating him like he's worthless. He'll try opening the door for a girl and they'll she'll say no thanks. Who does that? I mean that's that's his sincerity, by the way. Yeah, yeah. When you say no thanks, or you don't appreciate, or you roll your eyes at a at a guy being chivalrous, you're not believing his sincerity, and that is invalidating to boys and men. It's he's not doing it because he's flirting with you. And if you think that that's why he's doing that, you you're mistaken. And even if he, let's say, for the sake of argument, he did have a little crush and he's opening the door for a girl. Why is that bad?

SPEAKER_02 42:18

I know.

SPEAKER_01 42:19

Why do you take take good behavior wherever you can get it? And I mean, the other day I was walking into a store and a little three or four-year-old boy held the door open for me, and I was like, Thank you so much. And his heart looked so he just looked so proud of himself. That's the kind of stuff we're talking about. Yes, genuinely noticing it and calling it out because it's kind.

SPEAKER_02 42:42

One time I was in um one of those big box stores, and I I needed to get something off the shelf, and Bob wasn't there. And I was looking at this, it was a big box of something. I can't remember. I thought this must weigh at least 25 pounds. And a man just I was trying to get it off, and the man just rushed up and said, Let me get that for you. Yeah. He didn't have to do that. And he wasn't flirting. Right. He was just chivalrous. And I really appreciate it because you know, when I get, I'm older now, when I get those big 25-pound bags of flour over at Sam's Club, they're intimidating to me, especially if I need to get two of them. One, the bread flour, and the all-purpose flour, I dread it. And those big, those big containers of of water bottles, you know, water's heavy when you get those big flats of them. And so I really appreciate it when there's a man around to lift it. And they don't have to. And but to to appreciate it, and you can appreciate in anyone, anyone, it's not flirting to express appreciation. Thank you for doing that.

SPEAKER_01 43:48

Some women view that as the patriarchy, and I think that's what the biggest uh message is in this topic is that uh looking beyond those societies. Gossipy, toxic things that you try starting to get into your mind. And yes, there is that bad part of the patriarchy. There's there is a tone to that that is not healthy. But the majority of men, especially the ones that are in your lives, are not like that and are not trying to do that.

SPEAKER_02 44:24

Well, something really toxic about calling patriarchy and toxic masculinity is anti-man, which I think is really is really kind of damaging to civilization. If people have bad behavior, it's just bad behavior, it has nothing to do with their sex, it's just bad behavior. So why attribute it to patriarchy or masculinity?

SPEAKER_01 44:46

Because they've seen it repeat. This is just my opinion. They've had enough of it, and they've seen it so much that they've had it. You know, I'm putting down my fist, and I've had it with these men treating me this way. And it it causes this that all men get lumped, and it causes an attitude. And you before you know it, you slip into this attitude with everyone, and you're questioning everyone and everything.

SPEAKER_02 45:14

And yet we it's easy to understand when we flip it around and think, have we ever been around a man who acts like women? They all do this or they never do that. You think, wait a minute, I'm not like that. You're lumping me into this thing.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

Or assuming that one gesture act falls into that, into that bump category. Like I know I know a man who who's married, like a couple, and the man is extremely friendly. And everywhere he goes, he's very talkative. And the wife is more reserved. Well, he has at times been labeled by people that I know as flirting with other women. And I know this person, I know that that's not what's happening. I just you just have to trust me on this one. I just know that that's not what he's doing. He's just friendly and talkative.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Well, if he flirts with men and women and children and dogs, then it's more than just flirting.

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Just a very friendly person. And I think, you know, this that's just one small example of well, you know, he's getting lumped into this group of men that are up to no good. Yeah. And I think you have to, you have to, as a woman, be able to separate those things and give people the benefit of the doubt. And even a true, true toxic bum isn't making a mistake literally all the time.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

You know what I mean? That's true. Yeah. Yeah. And then when you're when you've been around someone that after a while you think, okay, this guy's a bum. You just you just try to avoid contact. And if you're married to him, you need to figure that out and decide what your boundaries are.

SPEAKER_01 46:53

Because if he really is what we call a bum, he's not going to really respond to the sincerity of fascinating womanhood, except to maybe use it against absolutely a man that's going to mistreat women and put low value on women in general, just don't waste your time with those people. Don't go there with those guys. Like they they're not the ones that we're talking about today.

SPEAKER_02 47:16

No, but they're not.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

Okay, the last question was a very specific comment. I'll read the whole comment. My husband can be so condescending, and he is really good at digs. When I confront him about how it makes me feel, he always denies any wrongdoing and that he didn't mean anything by it, and then he was just joking. What can I do? I've heard this so many times. Versions of it.

SPEAKER_02 47:42

Yeah, okay. And it's it's difficult because that's all we got. We don't know anything background or anything. So that's that's all we've got. And there isn't just one answer. It depends on some things, but I'm wondering if she can the confrontation, she says, I confront him. When you confront somebody, almost everyone becomes defensive. So her approach to it may be not the most wise to do. I confront him sounds like she's accusing. And he's and men almost always, humans almost always defend themselves when they're accused.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

You have to kind of go back to the intent again. Okay, so what's is he trying to put you down or is he just insensitive?

SPEAKER_02 48:23

Yes. And also, uh, she can talk to him about, you know, when you when you joke like that, it really hurts my feelings. It doesn't, it doesn't feel like a joke to me. Would you please not do it? Rather than confronting him, this is how this makes me feel, then he has no choice really but to feel like a bum for doing it. So he's um most people will get defensive if they're confronted.

SPEAKER_01 48:50

Well, and this is her husband. This specific one is my husband. So was he always condescending? We obviously don't know. But you married him. So he either became condescending or he's become more condescending, or you look the other way in the past and looked for the good, and like now you're not doing that and you're only seeing the bad. I can see a combination of all those things happening.

SPEAKER_02 49:13

And also sarcastic digs, that's what I take that as. Sarcastic digs that they say is the joking thing, is just a way to not take responsibility before it dig is anger. So what why is he angry with her and is he just not dealing with it, not talking to her about what what's upsetting to him?

SPEAKER_01 49:33

Like nine times out of ten, when he's being when he's digging into you, it's coming from somewhere else. From anger.

SPEAKER_02 49:40

So she could she could say, I noticed you said this. Are you angry with me? Mm-hmm. You can and that that's childlike being up front. Did I do something?

SPEAKER_01 49:52

I know that dad has been like accidentally condescending to you at times, and you've talked to him about it. I've seen those interactions, and I think you know, you could probably share, but I I think he 99% of the time has no idea that he's being condescending.

SPEAKER_02 50:10

No.

SPEAKER_01 50:11

Or no, sorry, you know, being being short with you.

SPEAKER_02 50:15

No, and there's it's something else on his mind, and he but he often apologizes too, they'll say. Like, um, he got a little short with me the other night, and the next day he said, you know, I'm sorry I did that. I was just really worried about such and such. And I didn't mean to say anything to you. I know how it probably came across. And the thing is, fortunately, I've known him so long, it kind of hurt a little bit, but I also know him. And it was like 11:30 at night. And Sherry, you know how he is when he's tired. Yeah, he gets a little grumpy. And he, but the next day he was aware of it and said, I'm sorry I did that.

SPEAKER_01 50:54

That's kind of amazing that he does that because I've my husband can be very condescending at times and similar to dad, and he's never apologized. But what I end up having to do is say, Is this the one that I want to? Is this the one that hurt the most? Like it's also, you know, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02 51:11

But also, um, Bob is much older and has mellowed somewhat too.

SPEAKER_01 51:15

Yeah. But what I tend to do is say, hey, like what you said earlier, like, hey, you've been saying these things to me, and I are you upset with me? Like, I I have to have those talks. Yeah. If I truly feel like it's gotten to that point, and I will tell you guys, 10 out of 10, he's always completely unaware that he did it. And yeah, you could you could label that as insensitive. You you absolutely could. And and men are, I guess, in general, a little bit more insensitive. Yeah, in general, yeah. But um, but again, this goes back to this list of the four things. He why did you marry him? And there's gotta be good in him.

SPEAKER_02 51:53

What are his what are his strengths?

SPEAKER_01 51:54

Strengths, exactly. What do you love about him? And you reminding him, giving him these gentle reminders is a way of giving him some feedback. And for me at least, hopefully someday he will this will stick and he'll start hopefully, and maybe he won't, but hopefully someday he'll get the message of like, oh, you know, this is a boundary. And I I when I talk like this, it hurts her. Like you said, dad, he's mellowed a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 52:21

So I'm like, he has he has quite a bit, but I mean, he was always a really, a really good man. But he was when he was 25, he was a less mature man than he is now. So and he wasn't he's more perfect now than he was then, but he was still pretty darn close for me. But the person that says this problem with her husband, I think she's approaching him in a way that's less not optimal. She's gonna confront him with anything, just say, Are you upset with me? I don't, I would if I've done anything, I'd like to repair it.

SPEAKER_01 52:55

Right. And get what the feelings uh you make me feel this way when you talk to me this way.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

Yeah, I feel I feel like you're angry with me. Is that then then that kind of requires him to take responsibility for his own actions and his own attitudes.

SPEAKER_01 53:12

Well, and she says he denies any wrongdoing. Of course he does. Of course he does, because he's being confronted. He was joking. I think that's where you just go, okay, well, I didn't take it as a joke and it wasn't funny to me, and it makes me feel this way. And I would even encourage, this is just something that I've done. I would even encourage ladies out there that are going through this to say, in the moment when that happens, what could what's something I can say to give you the message that I'm hurt in that moment? Because it's it's hard sometimes to have to pull them aside later and like pull them aside later. It can be really difficult. And then maybe that that moment passes, and then you didn't really get a chance to address it, but then you're hurt. What's something I can say to you in that moment when you do that next time that will not humiliate you in front of people or whatever it may be? What's something I can say? And I've actually done this, and my husband has said to say to him, he said, if I ever do that again in front of people, just say, ouch, that wasn't very nice. Yes. He gave me the permission to say that.

SPEAKER_02 54:17

That's a good idea. So what can I say when you do this? Because it hurts me.

SPEAKER_01 54:21

To help me to give you that message of like, this is not the time to be joking with me, or this is not, this is not being taken or received well, even though I know you don't mean it. What's a what's a phrase that I can say that will help alert you to the me being hurt by this? Okay, well, those are all of our questions, and that's our list. We'd love to hear from all of you out there. If you have any questions for us, send us fan mail. We'd love your support. Connect with us on our podcast and send us a message. Everywhere you can reach us and connect with us can be found on our website, fascinatingwomanhood.com. We have books, master classes you can rent, coaching one-on-one, or group. Head over to our website to connect with us and find out more about us. Thank you for joining us. See and see you next time.