When You're Offended - A Guide for Women With Hurt Feelings

You know that feeling...when you catch yourself thinking, “How could he?” or “I can’t believe he just said that.” The reality is, many women are deeply sensitive, whether we openly acknowledge it or not. That sensitivity is part of what makes us nurturing, intuitive, and impactful in roles like motherhood, teaching, and beyond. But it can also mean we feel hurt more easily, and sometimes more often.

At the same time, most of us don’t want to stay stuck replaying those moments or sitting in that hurt. After all, the basement of our mind isn't exactly a place we want to call our permanent home. We want straightforward, practical ways to move through pain or hurt feelings and regain our footing. These situations can feel especially intense in close relationships, whether it’s a husband, boyfriend, or even a close friend.

This episode offers both practical tools and a mindset shift to help you navigate those moments. It’s not just about getting through the hurt, but about gaining more control over how you respond and how you move forward. 

Drawing on insights from our best-selling book Fascinating Womanhood, we explore timeless principles, including what to do - and what to avoid - when you’ve been hurt, so you can create more peace and fulfillment in your relationships.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to the official Fascinating Womanhood Podcast where we explore timeless principles for developing true femininity, inspiring authentic masculinity, and building strong, loving, and lasting relationships. I'm Cherry Lynn and I'm here with my mom, Dixie and Alyn Forsythe. Together we'll dive into the heart of what makes relationships thrive, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt conversations to help you live a more fulfilled and fascinating life.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Today we are talking about when you're offended. Have you ever been offended and immediately reacted only to regret it later? I know I have. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Yes. You think, oh no, why did I do that? Why did I say that?

SPEAKER_01 0:46

We wanted to talk about being offended today because we get asked about this every single day. And I think it's it's a huge topic. It has so many pieces to it. And what we wanted to dig into today is what we really mean by being offended, of course, because I think some people, when they hear offended, they might think that we're talking about being annoyed, or we we might be talking about feeling offended versus deeply feeling offended. I think those are all very kind of different things. And we wanted to talk about sort of like a do's and don'ts list. We're going to go through some things that will make it worse when you're offended, make the situation between you and whoever it is worse. And then some things that you can do that will deflect the tension or make it a more positive or a little bit better of a situation. So what are we talking about when we mean offended? Because I think there's some people out there that might think chewing with your mouth full is offensive, but which it is, but but what is the core of what we're talking about? Why is it so important with fascinating womanhood?

SPEAKER_02 1:53

I think most of us are not so self-confident that nobody can ever hurt us, no matter, no matter what we do. That and sometimes there's periods of time in your life, and for women, we have a little thing called periods that can make us more sensitive during that time of the month. So sometimes we say or do things that we wouldn't necessarily if we were feeling more our strong self, if our more confident self. And so the word, even the word offended sounds, to me, it sounds a little bit immature, doesn't it? If someone says you're offended, you think, no, no, I wasn't, because uh it sounds a little bit like you're thin-skinned when a lot of us are kind of because we're sensitive people.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Well, and I think for for me, this one's about being hurt, just me personally. I think when I hear offended, I think of I'm hurt, and there's so many, there's so many varying versions of this, right? There's the crying, if you're so hurt that you're crying and you're in a room, maybe by yourself crying, or there's even just like you said, the more the lighter side of it is I'm I'm just having a bad day, and boy, did you hurt my feelings? And maybe that just results in you retreating a little bit, withdrawing, being quiet.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

Even if you're having a bad day, a lot of times you're not consciously aware I am having a bad day or I'm having these emotional things that requires self-reflection a lot. And a lot of times we're too busy, involved in our lives to actually put it together. We react.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Sometimes it isn't about your hormones, it's about you're just tired. Like I know for me, when I'm tired, I am very sensitive when I'm tired. That's just being like you said, being aware that you're tired. It sounds pretty simple, but we're not always aware of what's what's troubling us and what's bothering us. And not to say that we we can't shift some of the responsibility to the person who is being hurtful. And we're gonna dig into that a little bit more in a bit. But I think it is important that you're pointing out that we need to also be aware of what's going on with ourselves. What is our emotional state when we are going through this?

SPEAKER_02 4:18

If it is your emotional state, that isn't necessarily an excuse to do right. You can't say, Well, I was I was having a bad day. Sort of like, therefore, you can just take it from it's just an awareness.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Now, what do we mean by let's just before we get into this list of you know things you don't want to do, things you can do, when you're talking about your emotional state, can you explain that in the terms of fascinating womanhood for those who don't know what it means? Because I personally feel like the the way that we approach this with fascinating womanhood has been very life-changing, just for me personally. So can you talk a little bit about the upstairs versus the downstairs as we call it?

SPEAKER_02 5:04

Well, yeah, you know, um, for those of you unfamiliar with the upstairs and the downstairs, it's kind of a metaphor. When when you think of going upstairs, the reason we use that is because that's where there's more light as opposed to a basement where there isn't light. And so that's that's one of the reasons we use that. But it's a part of your mind, your brain, that is more optimistic, that can handle, can roll with the punches, so to speak. Uh when we're downstairs in our brain, which is actually the um your guard dog, we talk about the guard dog with the brain. It's uh it's the amygdala, so it's your survival part of your brain, is actually what we're referring to. But we use the metaphor of a basement and upstairs so that you can easily understand it. But when we're upstairs, which is creativity, positivity, figuring out answers to problems, verbalizing, that is that is easier to deal with than when you're in the downstairs, which is kind of you just everything that is wrong in your life rolls around and and you just think everything is dark. And uh and it's easy to then um blame people, be more irritated if somebody is just um biting their fingernails near you. And and they're not really doing anything to you, but it's just it's just annoying when people annoy you and you react to it, and then you have a situation with your relationship with that person.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

Yeah, and I I think one of the things that I love about what you said is that you recognizing whether you're upstairs or downstairs can really help you have some perspective on what's going on, and not just in yourself, but someone else. If someone else is hurting you, let's say it's your husband, and you have recognized that he is downstairs, he's in a frame of mind where he is either tired or stressed, or all those things you can think of when you're in that basement mode, selfish kind of mindset. You can not necessarily give him a pass, but maybe in a way you can, because you can say, you know what, he's just not, this is not the day. He's not doing well.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Well, there's another thing we need to be upfront about, is maybe it's us that's having the bad day. And because and everything he does annoys us, and we think it's him. And actually, we need to look at ourselves and think, why am I so picky? Why is him rustling the papers bothering me? Or maybe you're both in the basement. That's true, and that's yeah, yeah, and and and yeah, it's a good point. And you could say, you could say, well, what do you do if you're both in the basement? Well, we always go back to women are the ones that are the more sensitive. It's not that men have no responsibility, the women are going to pick up on it as a rule quicker than men. So we can do something about it quicker.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Now, I do have to say that we had a lot of people reach out to us about this topic. We have in the past, in all the years we've done this, and a lot of people bring up domestic abuse and they bring up personality disorders, lots of things that are much deeper than this topic. And I just before we move forward, I think it's important that we address that.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

Yeah, that's a that's a problem. And even the word domestic abuse, some people call some things domestic abuse that others do not. So uh if somebody annoys us, that may be domestic abuse, as opposed to verbal abuse, emotional abuse. In our highly sensitive world today, you could call somebody snapping at you as emotional abuse when actually it's normal human behavior. Now it can go too far, and it does sometimes. You know, we're not the ones living in that situation. So it physical abuse is pretty easy. But emotional abuse is a little harder to define because some people think someone telling you no is emotionally abusive, and that's not necessarily the case.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

I would say that generally speaking, this topic is more for your everyday hurt, whether you're brand new in a relationship, whether you've been married a really long time, and there are what do you call it, like little encounters that you have as a as a woman where you just feel like your heart is a little bit broken, not your heart is shattered. Yes. And you are constantly shattered. I feel like that's the best way to describe it. If it's if it's deeper than just your everyday kind of, oh my, I got my feelings hurt again. I feel like that gets more into the professional help with a therapist kind of situation. This is more like that everyday kind of, oh geez, you know, he's hurt me again, or you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

He walked out without saying goodbye. He said he was gonna do it and then he just left. Yeah, those those kind of things. But at the same time, if we can learn to be more self-aware, like I mentioned before, because what if what if the husband is doing things that seem like he's emotionally abusive, but you're not acknowledging that there's this other area of your life, like saying a conflict with parents or a sibling or other family members or at work that's gotten you really worried, wound up, and it's being taken out on your husband when actually there's a part that where that you're part of where you're if you were to talk to him, he'd say, you haven't been behaving the way you usually do. You've been you've been more picky and and less tolerant and and that kind of thing. It sometimes it's it's nuanced. And that's one of the things we're trying to teach women to fascinate womanhood, is their incredible value, but things that they can learn to do to become self-aware, to identify what's going on with them, and before we decide our husband needs to go get therapy or needs to have a strict boundary.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah, and and circling a little bit back to what we were saying about upstairs and downstairs, I think that's uh such an important point before we go further, is being so aware of your emotional state when things are being said. Where are you at? Where are you? Do you have any examples of like what it might feels like when people are kind of maybe a little insensitive, but you're upstairs versus that same insensitive comment when you might be downstairs?

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Yeah, when I'm when I'm being emotionally sensitive, which for me is, you know, since the tragedy in our family has been a lot of times because I'm I'm dealing with that as well. It's not it's not gone. I don't think it ever is completely gone. You just have to try and manage it. It's it's the only way I can think of to do it. But when sometimes a family member, if they say something to me, because I'm already kind of raw in certain areas, and some of you out there may be too in some areas. If I'm kind of raw and somebody says something to me like, aren't you over that yet? I'm I'm more I'm gonna I'm more reactive to that than I would be if I was the uh the normal me, the other me. It it has an immediate emotional reaction where I feel not only misunderstood entirely, but kind of attacked. Whereas before I would have thought, I would have said, What are you talking about? you know, or what do you mean? I uh it I might I may even get tearful if somebody says that to me now, because I'm more sensitive. And that's kind of an extreme case. Thankfully, not everybody has to go through those kind of things. But I'm just pointing it out as an example of of how, depending on our own emotional state, how we might react to somebody saying or doing something that if you weren't going through that, you wouldn't react the same way.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

I I get what you're saying, you know, when you're in that kind of vulnerable place in your mind, but other people don't know that you're in that vulnerable place. That's the key part of it, is that they don't necessarily know, even if they know generally that you might be having a hard time, they may not know, they probably won't know that that day in particular or that hour, right? They said something to you and they somehow hit a nerve. And I think that's where you get that word trigger. You know, you feel triggered by things, and I and I think that's all over the internet now. You know, people click on any kind of news post and you're gonna see triggered comments because somehow, some way you have offended that person. I know we do this sometimes, actually all the time, when we post things on our social media or we post a podcast, or we post a video, and we'll get a comment from somebody, uh several people sometimes, and saying, You're not thinking of this and you're not thinking of that. And we're thinking, oh, I put out this content that I thought was so positive. How could someone find something offensive about what we're saying? And that's where I think of this particular topic. Well, where were boy? They must be going through something hard. Like it's just automatic for me now. It didn't used to be. But I think this is what's so valuable about fascinating womanhood is we can teach you these kind of mind exercises in a way and these habits that you can form in your mind, like, oh, you know, instead of being offended, I'm gonna first go to this. And it kind of helps, I know for fascinating womanhood at least, it helps me have a thicker skin when I'm like reading online comments.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Well, you're pre you're pre-deciding, okay, if this happens, you pre when you're logical, you're using your logic to say, okay, if this happens, this is how I'm gonna what I'm gonna say or how I'm gonna react. Then when it does, it doesn't catch you off guard. And and it's it's easier for you to handle it better so that you don't handle it impulsively and then regret it and think, oh no, I've I've I've gone too much, I've hurt that person's feelings, they don't know what I'm going through. And even and by the way, even uh the trauma that our family's been through, we react differently to it. Like I might be going through a particularly tearful day, and Bob is not. And so even though he's gone through it, he doesn't feel at that moment the same way I do.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

I think that's where you have to really be aware of it, and it's hard. It can be really difficult to be aware of it. It starts when your children, I mean, I see it with my kids. I see, you know, the other day my son came back from a trip that he went on with my husband, and he was upstairs, as we say, for about a week afterwards because the trip was so wonderful, and he was not sensitive to anything for like a week. And then the teachers could not seem to bother him. Uh, he got his homework done. It was like, wow, he is really like he's so happy. That's so great, and then all of a sudden it was like day seven or day eight, and his kind of wore off. Yeah, it wore off, and suddenly he's offended by my daughter just you know, sitting next to him because he slid downstairs, and that's what we're talking about. You you it happens so fast, like there's a reason why we have that phrase you slide downstairs, you literally can slide down there at a moment's notice, and you don't realize that you're downstairs, and then suddenly you're easily offended.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

Well, we so we use the example sometimes of a fire pole. And a fire pole, you go down really fast, but if you want to go upstairs, you got to climb it one step at a time. Exactly. And and it's it's not impossible. We can do it, but it's it's not as it's not as quick.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Yes, exactly. And thank you for explaining all of that with the upstairs downstairs because a lot of the things we're gonna discuss in the do's and don'ts section kind of relate to staying upstairs and being upstairs and getting yourself up there.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Um if you haven't read Fascinating Womanhood for the Timeless Woman, I have a whole chapter on the differences between men's and women's brains, and uh and it includes all that stuff. It's just so it was so helpful to me, that's why I had to put it in there.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Exactly. Okay, so we're gonna go into this list of let's basically just say what's gonna make it worse. You get offended, someone says something, or you read something, or you see something, you're offended. What's gonna make that worse?

SPEAKER_02 17:56

Well, reacting immediately without any kind of thought, letting letting it letting your guard dog, your virtual guard dog bite someone is kind of the metaphor for that. But without thinking, oh, why did I do that is one thing.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Well, we've all done it. We all do it. I do it all the time. It's it's really difficult, challenging to just not react to something. And it takes so much practice to not immediately react, especially if it's something that really, like we said, triggers you. You have you're gonna have topics that are we call it in our family. My son and my husband always say, You're pushing my buttons, you're pushing my buttons.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Stop pushing my buttons.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

Everyone has buttons. They they do, they do, but the thing is when you're not pushed, when you're just sitting there like we're sitting here, you can think, okay, instead of doing that, what I should do when you're not triggered, you can you can decide what you will do when that happens. And you can pre-decide, and that's really helpful.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Yeah, and you think you have to pre-decide with your buttons. So this is my let's just say politics is your button. Well, it's not you mean where you don't want to talk about it or no, when someone brings up an opposing political view, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know a lot of people like this, and when you bring up anything that has to do with political views that they are opposed to, they react immediately because that's what we're talking about. Reacting immediately. Your button has been pushed. So I would almost take it as far as to say, okay, I know my button. One of my one of my triggers or my hot buttons is political views being discussed in public that I don't agree with. So I'm gonna pre-decide the next time that happens, this is what I'm gonna do. So I don't react quickly, and then you regret it. That's a thing, is it? You regret it.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

You do, you do, especially if you if you also feel strongly and and you uh but in a different way, and you don't want to hurt you don't want to damage the relationship, but you don't want you don't want them to you you feel attacked. And another one that people have very strong views about is religion. You know, if if you're talking, if somebody says something about uh some religious point of view that's completely opposite to you, that can be very triggering for some people.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Well, and some some people, this is very triggering. It has nothing to do with um public kind of topics. Sometimes people are triggered by talking about aging or they're triggered by talking about weight or health choices. Some women will really, really react quickly if someone makes a comment about eating, or you know, I'm a vegetarian, or I'm not, and they'll suddenly just jump in and and there you go. Mudslinging starts, and before you know it, you're in a situation where you're like, Oh, I didn't really want to be in this situation.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

Some men, some women are and are really worried about their husband's eating choices, for example. And they can't resist, they don't seem to be able to resist making a what we refer to as like a motherly comment that's really bad for you, kind of a thing. Yeah. And that can be triggering for him, which could result in him snip at you over something five minutes later. You think where did that come from?

SPEAKER_01 21:23

Yeah, this is this is really tough to not react right away, but I think you just have to train yourself and try. And you're gonna mess up, you're gonna react. I mean, it's just human.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

We're gonna this is a strange analogy, but I we've all seen it. So if you look at politicians, they're really good at this. I don't know how they learn to be good at not reacting when a reporter, a nosy reporter, gets right in their face and says, Isn't it true that dot dot dot? And and they and you look at them, if you've ever looked at them, they just they look completely un Unemotional. I just well, you know, and they have some comeback that you think, how did they slip out of that so easily? They learn to do it somehow where they don't look triggered. And I don't know how they do it and they handle it because if they did, it'd be all over the papers.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Well, I think they have extensive media training, which would be kind of cool if we could all go through that. I don't know how we would be able to learn that.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Maybe there's more information out there on the disingenuous, and we don't want to adopt any of that. But they do they do seem to have an ability to a very thick skin. They'd never get to where they they've gotten if they didn't have a very thick skin. We can learn on a personal, much smaller level to not react in a way that we always regret.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Yeah, there's the there's that old saying of bite your tongue, like maybe that's literally what you need to do. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Yeah. And this one can be hard if the reaction comes on your face, you know, like people already see that you're upset. But just try your best. This is why this is a lifelong journey of trying. Just try your best not to react and and take little wins with it. If you if you are able to restrain yourself even just once, you know, give yourself a pat on the back that you you have a win that you didn't react. Another one is going into victim mode. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_02 23:27

We feel intensely sorry for ourselves, which we've all done too. Why is that bad? Well, because it tends to make them the enemy. And they're not the enemy. So the person that we've married, that we've committed our lives to, that we love, is not our enemy. It's better if we can learn to understand them and ourselves. Because a lot of the reasons that these things happen is is because we react. And we can say, well, of course I react because you did this. But we don't just because somebody does A doesn't mean we have to do B.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

Well, I think the whole point of this whole list that we're going through is to not make it worse. And when I think of going into victim mode, the reason why I think that makes it worse is you tend to spiral when you're in victim mode. And again, we have to go back to that whole topic of downstairs. Being in victim mode is being downstairs. And if you're gonna go slide down there down the pole with the downstairs way of thinking, the victim mode is one of the fastest ways you can slide down there.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

You feel so sorry for yourself. And sometimes it's you know, some of it is absolutely legitimate. The problem is it doesn't solve anything, it doesn't get you out of anything.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

I mean, you might as well lock lock the basement and throw away the key. If you get into victim mode, you're gonna be down there a long time. And that's the biggest problem that I have with victim mode is like when I personally get into that place, I can't, it is so hard to get out of it. You're stuck in it.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

And metaphorically, what we're saying by the basement is we we we picture it, we talk about just like old pizza boxes, beer cans. It's a myth, myth, lumpy, lumpy chair with spring sticking out of it. When you stay down there, that's kind of what you live in. It's kind of messy and and it's not it's not clean with light like there is upstairs. Yeah, we don't want to be in the basement. And you don't want to definitely don't want to add wings onto it instead of going upstairs. Right. We don't want to shut the door and lock it either. No, no, it's it's not only dark down there, it's messy and it's dirty.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Yeah, and when and when you're in victim mode, you you you said this, you tend to feel sorry for yourself. And maybe you're right. Maybe you are a victim in this in this one moment. Maybe you were legitimately hurt and someone was really rude to you, but again, the victim mode is not doing yourself any favors, you're just pulling yourself down. I know that's so hard and easier said than done, but it is something to be aware of. Another one we talk about all the time in Fascinating Womanhood is not to escalate or argue in that moment. And I know that's so hard when someone hurts your feelings, you go on the defense, and it turns into an argument.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

There's ways you can deal with it that you take personal responsibility that don't escalate it. Like if you say ouch, that doesn't create an argument, or you say how you feel, and literally not like I feel like you are a bum. You know, you that's not that's not that's not a feeling you say I feel tired, I feel worn out, I I I feel hurt, those kind of things.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

I think this one is really important because it's so easy to jump into the argument, especially when you're feeling defensive. But the thing is, is if you can stop that escalation early, there won't be any kind of further, like we said before, this list is things to that make it worse. Talk about making it worse. If we're jumping into a back and forth, who knows how long it's gonna last? And if you can shut it down early, and I think women are better at this in general than men are. I think we tend to kind of, oh, this is starting to get bad.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

This is starting to get Yeah, because because of our sensitivity, we think, uh.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

We we're just a teeny bit faster, I think, at noticing something's turning into an I I can notice it uh especially when it's not me involved. I can see have you ever have you ever seen two people start to kind of go at it and you're thinking to yourself, uh oh, this is starting to go bad. I know where this is headed. Yeah, and I'm you can shut that down in any kind of way, whether it be, you know what, we're not doing this, or maybe even you just have to walk away. You just have to say, I cannot do this, I'm not gonna engage in any of this.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Yeah, sometimes it does require walking away, it doesn't mean you get in your car and drive away. It means you leave the the room or the situation, or change the subject. Changing the subject sometimes gives you a pause there to rethink what is going on and how can I fix this.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

I was watching a a TV series last night, and there was a scene with a husband and wife where the husband was getting tipsy. Uh-huh. And this reminded me of this because I knew we were going to film this today. He was getting tipsy, she didn't like it, and they were at a dinner party, and he she made a comment and he said, Well, that didn't that sounded a little stupid, what you just said, because he was getting a little drunk. She just stood up and left the room very gracefully and left. And I thought that was such a good example of what we're talking about of not allowing the arguing, not allowing it escalating. She he pushed the her button, he he crossed the boundary, and she left. Without saying anything, which well, and what he did was terrible. And did he deserve to have his head bit off? Yeah, probably, but we're talking about not making it worse, and that was not a moment where she could have won. He was not in a mindset, he was downstairs, she was upstairs, and she just I'm not putting up with this. So that's an example of what you can do to not let it escalate. Another one is name calling, no name calling and no raising your voice.

SPEAKER_02 29:35

No, no, it doesn't work. It doesn't work just simply for the fact that it does not make things better, it doesn't help, it doesn't work, and you'll most likely have to apologize later, which is harder than biting your tongue.

SPEAKER_01 29:48

Well, and I have a lot of sympathy for the the ladies that write into us. We've had so many that write into us about the specific one that say that was what I was raised with. I was raised in a home where everybody yells all the time. It's just normal to them. And name calling is normal. My parents called me names, uh, my parents yelled at me. That's all I've ever known. What do you have to say about that?

SPEAKER_02 30:10

Well, that it that is a really valid point. If that's if that's your culture, it's harder to change your culture and what you've seen by example than if you were raised with good examples. Uh and you know, but but it's certainly possible. People do it all the time. It's it is harder to change something that's already a habit. But we're gonna show you that you know some ways you can do something better. It's like we say in Fascinating Womanhood, it isn't it isn't helpful enough to just say stop doing this. You need to replace it with something else that's positive.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

Well, and again, name calling and yelling, where are you emotionally? You're in the basement again. Totally, yeah. And those who want to argue and say, Well, I'm used to that. It's normal, it's normal to me. Well, that means that it's normal to you to kind of live in the basement. And I have a lot of sympathy for that because a lot of people have have no idea what it's like upstairs. They've never even really hardly been up there, other than maybe pleasure. They've hardly ever experienced that positive state of mind.

SPEAKER_02 31:15

I've seen women who've said to me they were married to a man who says, because of his family background, that it isn't healthy if you have a rel or marriage where you're not yelling at each other. Because that's all they saw. Yeah. And so so the wife says, Well, I didn't hear it growing up in my family. So it's a conflict there. What does she do? Because to him, it's fake if you don't yell at each other.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

Well, you know, you can always tell when someone has been raised in a household like that. You know, it sticks out like it's almost like your underwear is showing. Like I can tell immediately, pretty, pretty quickly, when someone has been raised in that place because they themselves yell all the time. They themselves, uh bad mouth people call them names, and you're like, oh, you might, you know, okay.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

That's those same people probably don't do that at work because those boundaries are different and they they know they they can't do that. It it doesn't it doesn't go well.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

And I have to say too that this one, if you are being if someone is yelling at you and someone is name-calling to you, you do not have to reciprocate. You do not have to raise your voice back. In fact, it's magical to not do that back. Um, the next one is keeping score. Now, this one is something we do, we don't actually realize we're doing it. I think almost everybody does this. This has to do with he hurt me. I guess I'll try to forgive him for now, but I kind of have a little secret tally in my mind that he did this last week and now he's doing it again. And then before you know it, you've got this little scoreboard in your pocket and it's causing resentment. Just try not to do that. When you let go, just truly, truly let go.

SPEAKER_02 33:05

And don't say things like, you always do such and such, or you never those things are absolutes, and it it hurts the person because always sounds hopeless. You never do this, or you always do this. Sounds like you're saying you are unredeemable.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

Well, you're announcing that you're keeping score by saying it. Yeah, yeah. You're announcing it to somebody in in the in the situation where it's your husband, that can be incredibly damaging for trust between the two of you. Because then he's going, Oh, you've been keeping tabs on me. And it's just gonna make it worse.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

Yeah, back in 1995, you did this, you think you've got the date.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

I think it's okay to be like, you know, hey, you've been hurting me. Uh, it's been going on for a while, and I think it's time to talk about it. I think that's fine. But if you're getting really like, last week you did this, a month ago you did the same thing, and you always say these things. It's like that starts to get easier. Yeah, yeah. I know it sounds small to some people, but just try not to do that scorekeeping system and genuinely let it go. The last couple ones are about manipulation, and that has to do with getting even, trying to make him feel guilty, or maybe even crying a little bit more to get his attention because he hurt you. We all know the people that that have done that. We've all probably been guilty of it at one point or another. Oh, I'm you know, I'm upset, but I'm gonna be even more upset to get him to feel sorry for me. These are things that I think, again, we probably aren't even aware we're doing them. I hope we're not aware we're doing them.

SPEAKER_02 34:49

Well, if if we do that, if we've done them a lot, we may become unaware, but yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:54

Yeah, we don't want to try to get even as tempting as it may sound. Uh, I know that that's just probably kind of human nature when we're hurt thinking, I'm gonna get back at you.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

Sometimes they're real passive-aggressive ways too, but but it's not like the men are stupid, like they don't know, at least inside.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

Well, and this falls into the childish category too. I think if you want to lump all this into one category about manipulating and being extra emotional and getting back at him, that's all kind of childish. And when we do these childish things, they're manipulative and they they make things worse, they put you in the basement of your mind, and he will not respect you if he suspects that you play these games. We don't want to play games. No, not not at all. Okay, so now let's move into the list, the positive list of what can make it better. This is a list of things that you can do when you're offended to not make it worse and potentially make it just kind of heal.

SPEAKER_02 36:03

When you know you're kind of downstairs, you're hurting for some reason, whether it's physical or emotional. Pausing before you're reacting, you could also say that's patience. Pausing is a little more specific. Don't react right away because you've had experience and you know you don't like how these scenarios tend to play out and you end up feeling bad.

SPEAKER_01 36:29

So pause a pause is very doable. I'm sure that everyone that's used to reacting quickly, instead of saying don't react, just say to yourself, pause. We just say in your mind, I need to pause, I need to think about this. Yeah. Think go back to the things we've been talking about. Is he upstairs? Is he down? And that goes to the next one, which is what is the state of mind here? Like shift the focus off of you for a second and ask yourself, what is this person going through? And if it's your husband, how is his day? What's what's his what's work been like? Uh is he tired? Is he hungry? And I know it's hard because you're thinking to yourself, what about me? I'm the one that's hurt, I'm the one that should be the focus should be on me.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

But actually, when you focus on another person in a caring way, it actually helps you. Right. Deal with yourself. It it doesn't seem like it would, but it does. When could when you focus on somebody else like and this is a particularly good suggestion because if you think look at him and think, what is he going through um at that particular on that particular day? And you know him better than anybody. What's he going through? Is he worried about something? Is he just uh has to do a task and doesn't feel like it, but is doing it anyway? And and so he's a little bit afraid. Uh and when when you do, when your focus is off yourself, you feel less more less of a victim, less of a poor me. Which is helpful to you because it allows you to think more clearly. Right.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

Well, and shifting focus onto others is a positive frame of mind. That's like a step upstairs. You're taking a step upstairs by thinking about someone else. Genuinely, you can't you can't fake this, otherwise, it just won't work at all. You have to genuinely say to yourself, what's going on?

SPEAKER_02 38:28

Yeah, if he's I don't know, let's say excessively scrolling on his phone and you want to talk to him, maybe he's escaping something he's worried about. Maybe he needs to divert himself off of something else. And and you all you see is somebody not paying attention to you. And you're offended. Because you because you need you need that one-on-one time. You got two people with legitimate needs, and what do you do? Right.

SPEAKER_01 39:04

Another one that you can do that I think you you talk about all the time, you've done really, really well um in your relationships is you try to kind of take a trip down memory lane, as we like to call it. And you like to think about, well, why did I choose him? Uh, why did I marry him? What do I love about him? Think about all the positives. I know this is hard, and it's it sounds backwards when someone has hurt you to think about all the things that they that you love about them.

SPEAKER_02 39:38

I mean, you think of things you're grateful for about them, and and there's got to be tons of them that we when it's so easy to take someone for granted. So that when they have hurt us or offend us, that becomes everything. And the uh and all the great things recede into the background. We can bring them to the foreground anytime we want by just recalling them, and then there's more balance. You think so? He's chewing loudly or didn't put his plate away. A lot some of the things that we get annoyed with or offended with are small things, they're not huge things.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Yeah, I love that trick. It's a kind of like a trick, and I hate hate to use that word because it sounds like it's not really helpful, but it actually is a cute little trick to say to yourself, like, what do I love about this person? Being grateful for them genuinely helps you to not quite be so hurt and react so quickly. Yeah. Um, and just again, shifting it off of yourself. Is this about today? Is this about something deeper?

SPEAKER_02 40:40

Sometimes I know for me, the little annoyances is what's going on with me, not him. Right. I'm annoyed by something uh that he he might do that's really nothing, but it's annoying me today because I'm worried about this particular thing.

SPEAKER_01 40:59

Well, or is it is it an insecurity of yours of some kind that he he somehow accidentally pushed this insecurity button and you don't even really realize it? It could be so many things. Uh another one that we like to say to do that sounds completely unrelated, but it it really does help is to practice regular self-care.

SPEAKER_02 41:24

That's that's hard for some of us, you know, especially those who have children, small children, and they're used to ignoring themselves and giving everything to others.

SPEAKER_01 41:35

But why would self-care help you from being offended?

SPEAKER_02 41:40

Yeah, it helps your self-esteem. You're giving yourself respect. It helps you be kind to yourself because you know what? When your self-esteem is bad, you beat up on yourself emotionally, you're beating yourself, and you this is being kind to yourself, which is helpful. Just be kind to you.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

Well, I think about you know, the days when I look my best. Like just to relate it, if anybody wants to kind of like picture this in your head, think about the day where the days when you've looked your best in your life. Let's say your wedding day. Let's just put that one, let's just use that as an example. You probably spent a lot of time getting ready for that day. Um, how did you feel that day? Did you feel like you were upstairs or downstairs? And obviously, it's not just because of the way you look, but I think it's a piece of it, and it's a pretty significant piece of it that you can always try to have in check. And I'm not saying you have to have in full makeup and glamorous hair every day, but just think about that feeling, go the other way. Think about, you know, for those of us that have kids, maybe those first week, few weeks with your newborn. I know for me, that's kind of like the lowest of the low I've felt in terms of self-care where I didn't have time for myself. I'm so much easier to be offended when I'm in that frame of mind versus even just that one shower or bath that you have when you've been so tired and you haven't had time for anything. And then suddenly you feel so much better. The chances are that when you are taking care of yourself, you probably won't be quite as sensitive to those around you potentially triggering you about things because you have taken care of your well-being.

SPEAKER_02 43:37

And that includes something as simple as now when you have a small children, sometimes this is Herculean to accomplish is to take a nap, a short nap. And that self-care sometimes I know I deny myself that if I'm busy. I say I'm too busy, I don't have time to do that. Right.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

Well, I think some people this is also spiritual, spiritual self care of you going to church, praying. I think those can also be a part of self-care. Exercising can be a part of it. And that's a big one for me personally. If I haven't exercised, I know I'm more vulnerable if I haven't. And I will even say, I think I just said it to you guys the other day when you were here. You said, hey, I haven't gone on a run. I'm a little anxious. I know that about myself now. I didn't used to know that about myself. And if you can recognize what you need in your life to stay upstairs, it will help you when someone has offended you. You will know what to do. You'll have better and more healthy reactions to it if you are in a better place.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

You know, when when you're uh when you're feeling really good about yourself, you're not downstairs, and somebody does something like um I don't know, it doesn't flush the toilet. I'm trying to think of some. There's a lot of little things that people do that annoy us. We don't think anything of it. It's not it doesn't really a lot a lot of things that annoy us when we are or or kind of feel like they're hurtful, like, oh, he didn't he didn't put his shoes away, he said he would. Those kinds of things that annoy us don't annoy us when we're feeling good. Right. So it's triggered by the the root cause is actually that it's with us. We're not feeling good. So so uh taking care of all the physical things around us helps us feel better, but that's not the root cause. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 45:33

And we can put this on, we can fake this. Like let's say you let's just take Christmas Day, for example. So many people can fake this on Christmas Day, or maybe you're on vacation and you're at the beach, and you can fake kind of like, oh, I'm just gonna push this aside. Like you said, the annoying thing like flushing the toilet or putting something away. We all can kind of fake it for a little while, but what we're saying is to not necessarily fake it, but to try to genuinely take steps, healthy steps, to be in a better place in your mind so that you don't have to work so hard to not be offended. I don't know if that makes sense.

unknown 46:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:16

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because that we're we're talking about in some of this here is prevention from that happening in the first place.

SPEAKER_01 46:23

Right. And and if you're offended on let's just take Christmas Day, a lot of people are their best selves on Christmas Day, or they try to be positive, they try to let go of the little things, but it it can be exhausting if you don't truly let them go and you don't get to the root cause. And then before you know it, it's the day after Christmas or two days later or whatever it is, and you're super annoyed because you didn't actually let those things go. You didn't actually deal with those things, and then you're dealing with them a few days later.

SPEAKER_02 46:56

Yeah, and sometimes they're um amplified by that time.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

Yeah, and we don't want to ignore our feelings, we want to address them and get down to the get to the bottom of it. I think the last one we wanted to talk about is girlishness. Now, again, this is kind of like with the upstairs-downstairs thing. If you haven't read Fascinating Womanhood, you're gonna be like, what's girlishness? Girlishness has to do with being in touch with your inner child. Um, can you explain why girlishness can help with noting?

SPEAKER_02 47:29

The thing about girlishness is it's completely devoid of sarcasm. Like innocent kids, not like kind of bratty kids that some of us come across, but innocent kids, where somebody says something and they say, Don't you like me anymore? Or something like that. And it's not, it's not it, it isn't laced with an agenda behind it. It's simple and it's up front. And uh that's what and you know what, men have boyishness. It's in it's incredibly attractive quality to have in a person when somebody is like it's not immaturity at all. It's um being upfront and not angry. Well, you can be you can actually be angry. A little child can say, you hurt my feelings, and saying it like that, but it's not accusatory. Children have to learn to do that. They're not they're not born doing that. They're that when they're they're little and innocent, they just say what they need. I'm hungry or I'm tired or you hurt me, or things like that, rather than sarcasm. Sarcasm is such a horrible adult trait.

SPEAKER_01 48:36

But so are you saying that for girlishness to not get so offended, or when you're offended, are you saying for girlishness it's about being upfront in response to Yeah, without without accusing, like you're stop being mean to me.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

Those kinds of things, they're not they're not they're not innuendos ever in it.

SPEAKER_01 48:59

Well, and when I think about girlishness, I think of my because I have a daughter and she's really naturally good at this. Yeah, if someone hurts her feelings, she'll say that wasn't very nice. Yeah, and I think it's as simple as something like that. You can just go in a room or something, she'll go in a room and say, you know, that that hurt me and go away. Like it's as simple as that. Now you don't want to do that if you're truly, truly deeply hurt. Like I brought up the example with that TV show I was watching last night where the woman just was hurt, stood up, and left. I don't think that's a good situation to say, ouch. You know, I mean, I guess you could if you're not hurt, but if you're hurt by it truly, and you're about to cry, you don't want to probably do this. This is more for those everyday kind of little jabs. Yeah, it well, we're thoughtless.

SPEAKER_02 49:50

Just thoughtless. Insensitive, just insensitive and thoughtless. Yeah. We all know. We you you know what it is.

SPEAKER_01 49:58

Yeah. Well, and it most guys are kind of, and we're gonna, that's actually what we're going into next is men versus women. So now that we went through those lists of what you can do to kind of like not let it get worse, and things you can do to perhaps let it make it a little better. Why do we have to talk about this? How do men get hurt versus women? And why is this so different from men? How do they experience being offended versus us?

SPEAKER_02 50:25

Well, for one thing, they now everyone isn't exactly alike, but they tend to uh deal with it inside their own head. They may not even tell you that they're hurt, they may act irritated, but they may not tell you, they may not be in touch with it. The men that I know are so much better at compartmentalizing things than I am. They can take a little a little hurt or offense and tuck it away and think about something else. Whereas I I can't. I'm not very good at it. So they can compartmentalize it, just not think about it, and focus on something else. They sometimes withdraw. Unless it's at least my experience, unless it's really significant, they they don't talk about it. Unless it's like I I've had enough of this, you know. Why is it so important for us to understand those differences? Because we keep expecting them to react like we do. When and sometimes we don't recognize it. If that's why it's so important for us to recognize when we hurt them, they may not show us in in the ways that we do it, that they've been wounded by what we've done or what we've said.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

Right, exactly. And I think it's so valuable to know this about men because when he hurts you, what is probably one of the first things you're thinking of when he hurts you? How could he? How could he? He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

unknown 51:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:56

But the thing is, is that this is where recognizing the differences is so important. I'm not saying that men are insensitive and they should get away with it and we're just making excuses. I'm sure that's what it sounds like. No, that's not what we mean. And of course they shouldn't get away with it. It's more about this is how to deal with this in a smart way without making things worse, because it's not like you can just control him. It's not like you can, you know, plug into his brain and get in the control center and change him. You just can't. And I wish we could, but we can't.

SPEAKER_02 52:27

Well, we get well, the good news is if we could, we'd be responsible. And we're not responsible. So we're off the hook on some things that we wouldn't want to be hooked on if we were, but we we can't control people. Uh sometimes we can't even hardly control ourselves. The one that we can control is ourself, we find difficult to control. So uh controlling another person. So the smartest thing to do when you're not in that space, you can think about it logically, is to be wise in the way you handle and deal with other people, especially your husband.

SPEAKER_01 53:02

Right. Understanding how men deal with being offended and knowing, oh, it's so different, it's often so different than how we deal with it. They kind of work like you said, they work it out in their heads. And when we don't see that, we have a tendency to think either it's never happening, or that when it's happening with us, that we expect them to kind of read our minds and know that we're offended and know why we're offended. And they're probably thinking, well, why doesn't she just work it out in her head like I do? And they're not even thinking that logically. And that's just not what we do. And I think that would be my other tip. Like, I guess if we were to do a bonus tip, it would say, like, don't expect him to fix it, especially right away.

SPEAKER_02 53:50

Well, and if you've been in your basement and you're sensitive and you do kind of pick at him for something, apologize. Apologize. It's not hard. Surely we don't have that much pride. Say, you know, I've been really stressed about whatever it is. Uh, I'm not feeling myself. Um, and which I'm sorry I that I've been the way I was today. I hope you can forgive me. It's not hard.

SPEAKER_01 54:19

I think that that's really important. So we wanted to read some of the comments that we've had on this topic that were sent in to us. We actually did a video on this years ago, and we had some really great comments that women had as a response to this topic. Okay. We're gonna read some of the top comments. This one says, I never learn how to cultivate my emotions into something positive when growing up and being offended. This video explains how some women are more emotional than others, and I am one of them. I just had a baby, and to make things more intense, my partner is working so hard looking after the toddlers while I nurse and am up all night, and I'm so grateful to him. And there's me crying at the drop of a hat. This video is really helpful to me for navigating these situations when I feel like the world is about to come crashing down.

SPEAKER_02 55:16

A lot of us relate to that.

SPEAKER_01 55:17

Yeah, I can totally relate to that woman, and I think that's such a good example that she brought up about that vulnerable space that she's in and how she just cries all the time and being aware of that.

SPEAKER_02 55:26

Well, when you've had a baby, your hormones are totally out of whack. And any of us who've had a baby, we we know that. And it's unreasonable, we know it, but we can't do much about it.

SPEAKER_01 55:35

It's it's really hard. Okay, here's another one. This is from Rachel Ann Harris. She wrote, I've found that my man knows what things offend me, and he does these things when he wants to fight or get even, or let out some sort of of his own anger. I actually even see him smile when he does this. It's a problem and it's very passive-aggressive. What's your advice for this?

SPEAKER_02 56:01

For that, I think I would, when you're not in it, I think I would have a talk with him about it. Just talk about it when not when you're in the heat of it, never do it then. But on a maybe the next day. So, you know, once in a while this happens, and I don't mean to ever cause you any grief or distress. And I sense that sometimes you're trying to get even with me, and I just want to have a great relationship with you. I mean, whatever it is, I don't know the people involved, so it'd be unique to their situation, but talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 56:35

Yeah, not fight about it, talk about it. And instead of just sitting there boiling about it, like you said, being and that's part of girlish is being up front and saying, Hey, can I talk to you about this? This is there's something bothering me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:49

Yeah. I and if he says, No, I'm not being passive aggressive, just say, Well, it seems like it, and just talking about it. It hurts my feelings when you do it.

SPEAKER_01 56:58

It hurts my feelings. Can you please not do that?

SPEAKER_02 57:02

Yeah, if you it it it helps. I found it helps to say, when you feel this way, could you would you instead do this instead of giving them nothing? No fallback, you know. If if you're upset about this, come to me and say this instead.

SPEAKER_01 57:20

Here's another great comment from Millie McDonald. She says, the only time you can change someone else is if they are wearing a diaper. That's true. Isn't that good? That's true. This one's from Ari A. Lewis says, This saved me from having an argument. I'm so grateful for you, ladies, and your insight and your perceptions. This one says, My husband tends to do silent treatment towards me and not speak or look at me, then leaves without saying anything. I be ready to blow up. A lot of comments about women saying that the husband is offended with this topic.

SPEAKER_02 58:03

Yes, we do when he's well, hey, if he's if he's left, that's he's avoiding escalation, which could be better than the opposite.

SPEAKER_01 58:14

That's him. Well, that she says I'm my husband tends to do silent treatment, treatment towards me. That could be a form of him working it out in his head. Now, it could be a form of him trying to get even with you, but more than likely it might be a combo of both. He's just trying to figure it out in his head. He's hurt, he's hurt, and he needs time to he's in his cave, as we call it.

unknown 58:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 58:35

Yeah. Here's one last one. This is the most recent one. This is from Lotus 7561. What if he doesn't let you walk away and he keeps saying things until you react? That's a great question.

SPEAKER_02 58:47

I'm not sure how he doesn't let you walk away. Does he physically restrain you?

SPEAKER_01 58:52

That usually has to do with physically not letting you like following you.

SPEAKER_02 58:56

Oh, I see what you mean.

SPEAKER_01 58:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:58

What if he doesn't let you walk away and does oh he's trying to trigger you?

SPEAKER_01 59:03

The response I said to her, because this was just recently within the last couple weeks, I said, Does are you talking about physically doesn't let you walk away? She said, Yes, I mean physically standing and blocking the door or taking my keys so I can't leave during an argument. I feel trapped. When things get heated, I'd rather leave so things don't uh don't escalate, but he doesn't allow me to. What should I do?

SPEAKER_02 59:28

Well, I don't know what she was planning to do, but I would not usually recommend getting the keys and driving away. Right. Because that's a little bit too like a bad thing.

SPEAKER_01 59:39

Unless it's an abusive situation.

SPEAKER_02 59:41

Unless it's like that, yeah. But maybe he doesn't want her to physically drive away.

SPEAKER_01 59:47

Where he doesn't want to be able to do that. It sounds like she needs to stick stay with it and don't react. Continue to not react. Because he probably wants that reaction because he's seen it before and he's waiting for it. And the longer he realizes oh, she will never react, the more he'll give up. Unless he's a dangerous person. That's different.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:08

Yeah, we don't that one we don't really have enough information to give a real great response to. There's too many questions. We don't know what has occurred before that happens. If they're in a fight, then she has reacted. Right. So uh it's just there's not enough information.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:26

Right. Well, I would just say generally, if it's a dangerous situation, this is not what this topic is about. It's we said in the beginning, it's more about your everyday uh kind of encounters that are that are hurting you, not shattering you. I guess that's the way to say it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, thank you so much for everyone who has been listening and tuning in today. And thank you, mom, for all of your valuable advice. We wanted to give a shout out to some of our fan mail. Charlotte in North Carolina says she is really enjoying our podcast. So thank you to Charlotte. And if you have fan mail that you want to send us, we will always call it out at the end of each episode. We're excited to start doing that. Thank you, everyone, for your support. If you have suggestions for future podcast topics you'd like us to cover, please let us know in some fan mail. And if you have not read any of our books, please visit fascinatingwomanhood.com. You can find our entire library on there as well as other tools. We have private coaching, we have videos, articles, all the places you can connect with us on social media. Be sure to check that out.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:36

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:36

And we will see you next time. And stay feminine.