The Gracious Woman: The Strength of Softness

In a world that often rewards harshness, defensiveness, and self-focus, we wanted to have an honest conversation about the quiet strength of graciousness and why softness should never be mistaken for weakness.

In this episode, we discuss 5 powerful qualities that help women become more gracious, elegant, and emotionally grounded:

• Tenderness
• Sincere Gratitude
• Loving with Your Whole Heart
• Generosity
• Emotional Intelligence

We talk about what true graciousness actually looks like in everyday life, how emotionally intelligent women create peace instead of chaos, and why some of the most powerful women are the ones who know how to remain soft without losing their strength.

This conversation is thoughtful, honest, feminine, and deeply encouraging for any woman wanting to grow in emotional grace, connection, and self-awareness.

Visit fascinatingwomanhood.com to learn more about the feminine revolution of Fascinating Womanhood. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome to the official Fascinating Womanhood podcast where we explore timeless principles for developing true femininity, inspiring authentic masculinity, and building strong, loving, and lasting relationships. I'm Cherry Lynn and I'm here with my mom, Dixie and Dalen Forsythe. Together we'll dive into the heart of what makes relationships thrive, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt conversations to help you live a more fulfilled and fascinating life.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Okay, so today we are talking about something that is very overlooked, and that is graciousness.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

This is episode three in our ladylike behavior series. And today we are going to discuss five ways to become more gracious.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

So, mom, what do we mean by graciousness?

SPEAKER_03 0:55

Well, graciousness is being kind, thoughtful. And this isn't just once in a while, where it's kind of your go-to, and also giving people a little bit more grace than they sometimes deserve. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? Yeah, when you're not in it, and that's that's where the teaching ourselves comes in, because you kind of have to deliberately look at these things and decide what you want to be and how you want to present.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

So when I think of those things that we that you just said, graciousness and being kind and thoughtful, why is this something that we struggle with? Or some of us struggle with.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

Well, I I think most of us do in one area or another because we just we have weaknesses. We have times when we're hurt, but but when you turn it around and and look at, have you ever known anybody who just felt good being around them? And a lot of that, if so, a lot of that comes down to graciousness. They're they're kind people, they're consistently kind.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

I think that we are as a whole, we're kind of teaching our kids, like the younger generation, I should say. We're teaching them, oh, be kind, be thoughtful, but we're really not teaching them how to kind of like like the deeper part of that, the forgiveness part, the true forgiveness, the letting go of things, the giving people past from time to time, uh, looking for the good in them, like all those things that we've been talking about in our other episodes. But I also think giving people grace is something that a lot of people kind of struggle with.

SPEAKER_03 2:35

Yeah, and yet, and yet, isn't it interesting that we all like people to give us grace?

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Right.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

Everybody enjoys someone saying, Oh, they didn't judge me for that. Uh, it's being a little deciding to be a little bit kinder, a little bit more aware of others on a consistent basis.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Yeah, and I think in order for us to do that, we have to kind of peel the onion of graciousness a little bit more and what it entails, and what are the parts to it that will help you to really feel like you understand it and can can feel like you can practice it in your everyday life. Okay, so we'll jump into the five ways to become more gracious. And the first one is tenderness. I think people misunderstand this one when they hear tender, they hear weak. It sounds negative when you say tender.

SPEAKER_03 3:26

When it comes to characteristics of a person, it sounds kind of like oh but yeah, if somebody's described as tender in the way they care for a patient, yeah. They don't think of that as weak. And I think of how, you know, like tenderness meaning like empathetic, uh gentle, caring, like the way you uh treat a small child, you treat them like they're like they're vulnerable, easily wounded.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

Which it's it's a little bit more natural with children because it just kind of is intuitive. But what do you what's an example of being tender in your everyday adult life with other adults? When is it good and when is it bad?

SPEAKER_03 4:06

I think um it it it's it's not one thing, and you got to be real sensitive to be able to pick up on it. But if somebody uh and you have to notice it too, if somebody looks distressed, looks like they're wound up, there's something going on. If they're really grumpy all the time, you know something is going on there now. Tenderness in in if somebody's really grumpy may be just you're a little more empathetic and caring, and you and that's where you might give them more grace. Too is if because you can kind of tell if someone is not sort of out of sorts, you don't know why. I mean, it could be because they're tired or hungry, it could be because they've had some really bad news or or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Well, and I think when it comes to let's say you you notice this with your husband, this is a really great skill to develop as a woman, being able to be tender in the right moments, say he comes home and he you notice that something kind of feels off. You know, we always say that, oh, something kind of felt off. We can't really put our fingers on it, but we just can feel it. If you can listen to that, I think that's also an example of being tender and doing something about it, like you just said, noticing it in someone. It could be your husband, it could be someone else, it could be a stranger, it could be a friend. Have you ever had somebody kind of notice that you were off and you kind of felt exposed by it that some someone know only one person notices that you are having kind of a bad day, and that one person kind of is there for you, not in a not in a disruptive way, but in a thoughtful and tender way.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Like, hey, are you all right?

SPEAKER_03 5:56

It uh it seems a little bit like it doesn't happen very often. It doesn't, and it can it can. I mean, we we can do this, but uh because I've noticed in some situations, I've even been kind of weepy and no one notices.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and it makes you nobody notices tears in my eyes.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

Yeah, it makes you feel it does make you feel invisible, and it's not like you get mad at someone for not noticing that you're in distress as much as you're just you just kind of feel invisible.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Yeah, and well, have you ever had somebody text you or call you out of the blue and say, I was just thinking about you, and it was just wonderful timing. I think that is also an example of being tender for the person that is thinking of you, that they are they are being strong by being tender, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

Yeah, yeah, and caring. Uh women caring for others, you know, volunteering for things. Like if you feel like, say, you hear that a friend of yours had some kind of surgery, just bring over a loaf of bread or something uh for themselves thinking about you. Something they can use whenever.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

Not just something they have to use now.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

But so how does that make you ladylike? Because we're this is our ladylike behavior series, and when I hear all of these things we're discussing, I just hear, oh, this makes you a more sensitive person. Well, how does being more sensitive and tender make you ladylike?

SPEAKER_03 7:22

There's nothing more ladylike than being gracious. I mean, really, it's it's very much a part of being ladylike. It's something that when women do it, it's a real hallmark of our sex when we learn this skill. And really, it is a skill because most of us aren't really taught this as children. We may be taught manners, which is a little bit different. The world is suffering. Um, who was it? I think it was C.S. Lewis. Uh, I'm not positive. So it's something like everybody that you meet will be having some burden that they're carrying.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 7:58

In some way, some worry or some suffering.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Well, that's true. We don't know what's going on with people, but I think a lot of people are used to hearing that kind of catchy quote, but we don't really take the steps to change our everyday. We don't take our the steps to say, hey, you know, I how can I become more aware of people? Or I need to remind myself. It's hard. You've got a million things that you're juggling, you're thinking about other things. But I personally, as a shy, a shyer personality or an introverted personality, I find this point here that we're talking about to be incredibly helpful in social settings. Because if you're really focusing on other people and shifting your kind of insecurities and shyness and just shifting into the mindset of, I'm gonna ask that person how they're doing, or I'm gonna be more aware of what other people are going through. It really, it really can be life-changing.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

Well, yeah, it takes your mind off of your own issues for one thing, yeah. Even if it's momentarily, but it it does tend to balance it out just a little bit more. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Okay, the second one is sincere gratitude. This obviously sounds pretty simple, but it has such a massive impact. Why do you think gratitude is hard?

SPEAKER_03 9:18

Well, I I think because we our natural tendency is to take things and people for granted. Otherwise, if we never took anything for granted, we couldn't hardly accomplish anything. That's the extreme the other way. But uh gratitude is hard partly because the world is such a negative world. Have you ever noticed news is always negative? Because nobody likes, oh guess what? So-and-so overcame a bad habit today.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

You know, it's just this is newsworthy. It's pretty rare to see something positive on the news. I think for if you're watching it for 30 minutes, I'd say maybe two minutes, you might hear some positive stories, at least where I live.

SPEAKER_03 9:58

I don't know about you, but well, yeah, it's pretty negative because that's what sells is negative news. And so when you're when you're grateful, you you have to kind of stop and be grateful for something, the feeling of gratitude, not just in your head, but you actually feel it, feels wonderful and it kind of balances out a little bit some of the negative, like it isn't all bad. You're tempted to think my world is caving in on me. How do you practice sincere gratitude every day? I deliberately think of things and people, more people even than things that I'm grateful for. And I allow myself to feel the gratitude. Of course, it's also hard not to right after that think I can't stand to lose them. Right. And then that that's always kind of pops in there, and and so you you kind of it's kind of a self-control thing, at least for me, to some degree.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

You know, I wish so much that they would teach kids about gratitude more in school.

SPEAKER_03 11:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

I really wish that they would. I think it would make such a shift in how schools are run. Because really think about it. The only time that they're taught about this is if they are taught it at home, which would probably be in prayer and things like that, um, or if they're just kind of naturally around people that are optimistic. But when else are kids really learning about gratitude and practicing it every day?

SPEAKER_03 11:31

I don't think it's a natural place to go for most people.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

It's such a powerful, powerful thing to practice on a daily basis.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

It it really is, because in reality, there are so many things uh to be grateful for. I've I've mentioned this before, but uh years ago we had we knew a family, and the husband was killed in a plane crash. Um they had four kids, their kids weren't grown yet. And I remember the wife saying to me that she used to complain that her husband kind of left his shoes around, she was very tidy. And and after he was killed, she said she would give anything to see his shoes around. So it's it's perspective, and I I I never forgot that because I thought you can be grateful today for what you have and not wish that you had been grateful that you have a person in your life, that you have your house or whatever it is, that you have a working automobile or food to eat. You can be actually grateful for those things consciously.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

I love what you say about you said earlier that you practice gratitude by allowing yourself to feel it. I think that's such an important uh point to highlight because you can kind of quickly go over a list of things you're grateful for, or maybe maybe you have something happen to you suddenly and you're like, oh, thank goodness, you know, that that just happened to me and I'm okay. Um, but you have to allow, like you said, you have to really allow yourself to feel it. To feel it, yeah. I have an example of that. Yesterday I was driving my daughter to school and a deer jumped out. And I think it was like a I think it was pregnant. It was really big belly, it was struggling. And I just so happened to be going the speed limit on that road. Sometimes I'm just happened to be going. I actually am usually going a little bit over on that road because there's hardly any traffic there, and it's it's the morning kind of rush, and I was trying to get her to school. But I was going the speed limit, and I'm so glad that I was. And when it happened, the tail of the deer hit my car. That's how close it was. Oh my gosh. That's how close I was to hitting it, and I slammed my brakes. But I my heart was beating really fast, obviously, because I was so kind of distraught by what had just happened. And I kept playing out in my head after I dropped her off at school how grateful I was that I didn't hit it. And not only because I didn't obviously want to hit it, but the aftermath of hitting it would have been such a burden financially on the day, things going on that morning. And I just was so, so thankful. That's kind of a small thing in the grand scheme of life, but if you can allow yourself to be grateful for for small things like that, it's really gonna change how you go about your day.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

Well, and and look at it's it's another 24 hours later, and you're so grateful for it.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

So I'm exactly when I drove her to school today. I thought about it again. And my daughter said, Oh my gosh, is this where that deer jumped out yesterday? And I said, Yeah, aren't you so glad we didn't hit it? And she was like, I just so worried about that deer. Like she was so worried. Yeah, yeah, and um, and you know, you it's it's just about that perspective in your mind and allowing yourself to slow down for a moment because I think we live in such a fast-paced world. And we could easily just be like, Oh, thank goodness I got lucky, you know, and go on with our day. And I just I just think there's a million different things that happen in our lives like that that we probably could take a closer look at and being thankful for sincerely.

SPEAKER_03 15:19

I agree, I agree. There's always uh a whole list of things you can be grateful for, including things that we often take for granted, like our health. Yes. I mean, you take you take it for granted until you don't have it and you're sick and you think, boy, I'd give anything to feel like my old self again.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Well, and injured same thing goes with relationships and people. There are people that may not be here tomorrow. And I know this sounds kind of like somber to speak of, but it for anyone out there that has lost someone, you know what we're talking about. When you can be grateful, particularly for your family, for your husband, and that they're around your your kid children, sincerely being grateful. But it's not just about people and being grateful for things, it's also about giving compliments and receiving compliments because you can be grateful for people and say something about it and say it sincerely.

SPEAKER_03 16:16

That's right. And a lot of times, in fact, probably most of the time, you may notice something positive about someone and you just don't say anything. You might notice that you like what they're wearing that day or uh something small like that, but just notice it but not say anything.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

But I don't know anyone who ever gets enough compliments, sincere ones, yes, exactly, sincere ones and and remembering to say it. I think that's also part of gratitude. Sincere gratitude is expressing your gratitude, saying it.

SPEAKER_03 16:49

And sometimes when people give us a compliment, we often kind of brush it off.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

Yeah, well, some of us do, some of us love it, and some of us become. I feel like men do this a lot. You give them, you know, a compliment, and they maybe I don't know if you really mean that. I think it just depends on how you're delivering it. If you're saying it in a sincere way, you're probably going to have a better reaction to it.

SPEAKER_03 17:16

Yeah, or they might receive it better if someone tells them that you said something so they don't have to feel a little bit awkward, like they like it, but they don't know what to say or do. I feel like dad takes compliments really well. I remember he he I remember him lecturing his mother this one time when she was visiting at our house. And he told her, he said, You're a great giver, but you're not a great receiver. Because he it's it's really it was really hard for her to accept help or compliments. She liked giving it. And he told her it's just as important to be a good receiver as a giver. And she stood in our kitchen. I could tell she'd never really thought about that before. That being a good receiver, she's just such a natural giver, she's always doing things for people and getting things for people.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Well, do you think that those of us that struggle with receiving might have some sort of challenge, like natural challenges with their self-esteem?

SPEAKER_03 18:11

Could be, yeah. You maybe feel like you don't deserve it or you don't know what to say, or maybe for some people it makes them feel like they owe somebody.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:21

That they're in someone's debt rather than accept a gift as just a gift with no compensation necessary.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Or maybe there's an issue of feeling put on the spot, like almost highlighted on stage by people, and you feel perhaps a little uncomfortable that you're you're the center of attention and you don't feel comfortable with it. But I think what's your advice for that though?

SPEAKER_03 18:46

Well, uh, Bob taught her and me that day too. He said, It makes me feel good to do something for you. Don't rob me of that. When you say thank you, that really means a lot to me. Think about how that makes me feel. Well, I'm the one who has just been uh given to you or been generous.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

Yeah, that reminds me, a friend of mine was telling me the other day that her son has been struggling in school, and there was a particular incident where he was awarded something in front of the class, some sort of behavioral award. And she said that he acted out after he received the award and it was a really tough day of school. And I said, I wonder what happened. And she said, Well, I talked to him about it afterwards, and he said he didn't like being highlighted in front of the class like that because he was worried that some of the other kids might have been jealous of him and he did not want that award. And I know this is an example of a boy, and we're talking about lady like behavior, but I think characteristics with people cross over. It's yeah, it's crossing over, and it could be that you don't receive compliments well because of a number of reasons. That could be another one of them, is that you have a sin you have a sensitivity uh about others that you probably aren't even really aware of.

SPEAKER_03 20:05

And that's what helped me and mom's mother that time when he said, You don't rob me of being able to do something for you.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Number three is loving with your whole heart. And I know this is in your book, right?

SPEAKER_03 20:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:20

This in your book. Can you explain a little bit about what that means to love with your whole heart?

SPEAKER_03 20:25

When you love somebody with your whole heart, you accept them as they are and don't count what they do so much as that that affects how much you love them. I've heard some people say to me, you can love your kids less, you or let's put it this way, you love the kids who are the easiest to raise more. And I say, no, you can love all of your children with your whole heart, even if one has behavior issues. If you truly love them, you will see their heart. And when you see their heart, what they do, their behavior doesn't change that. Yeah. Now, with with some people, you don't know them well enough, but as you learn to love people with your whole heart, and loving people means that you have to actually get to know them.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Yes, I've heard people say uh so many couples have said this to me um throughout the years, uh, before they have kids. I don't know if I could have a kid because I have so much love in my heart for my husband, and I don't think I have any room left. Or I've heard people say that about having a second child.

SPEAKER_03 21:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

So many people, I have one baby, I have one child, and I don't have room to love another one. I think that's so interesting. Yeah. It's it's fascinating to me that that you would because it it almost implies that you are only capable of kind of like loving one person at a time.

SPEAKER_03 21:48

What what they don't know until they until they experience it is you have endless room in there.

SPEAKER_02 21:53

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:54

Because every person is a little different. And and that's why I think uh God loves us because He has infinite capacity to know each of us and love each of us for who we are, where we are at any given time, and not for how perfect we become or perfect what we're way far away from. You know, he still feels the same, just like I do about my children and people I love. It doesn't they couldn't do anything to destroy that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

But now what does this look like on a daily basis? Because we can talk about, you know, accepting people and loving people, but that all sounds great. But how does that look in an everyday kind of scenario?

SPEAKER_03 22:35

Well, one of the things you do is you learn to look at their intention. What are they trying to do? In fact, when they do something that's doesn't seem like them, that's really out of character, what you perceive, you look at why are they doing this? Or is maybe their intention different than what they're acting out because they're uh they've had some bad news, they don't feel well, or or something like that. Are they doing it because they actually don't like me? Or maybe something else is going on? So, and then you learn to forgive more easily and let things go.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

I think that there's a we live kind of in a society of immediate gratification, immediate reaction. And we talked a little bit about this in our self-restraint episode that we did. Yeah. This kind of scorekeeping almost system that we're doing, and we don't maybe realize it, maybe some of us realize it, but hopefully we don't realize that we're doing it. But when someone is, like you said, you know, makes a mistake or is not acting in an appropriate way, and you can't really see the bigger picture in that moment. I think that that the people that are able to see the bigger picture, to see the intent, like you said, and they have that ability to put on, in a sense, these perspective glasses. Like in the grand scheme of things, how big of a deal is this? And loving someone with your whole heart, meaning that ability to weigh everything and say, not in a scorekeeping way, but in a yeah, balanced way, and saying, you know, this person is this today. This person is, and I know this person, I know what they mean, I know what they stand for, I know what their values are.

SPEAKER_03 24:18

Yeah, this person is what I see today is not in character with what I know they are. So I'm gonna I'm gonna grant them a little bit of grace. That isn't this isn't what they mean. They didn't mean it. And unless they tell me they meant it, I'm I won't really believe that they mean it.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

But where's the fine line of being walked all over? Because this conversation start could easily start to become kind of a little bit of a victim mode situation if you are letting people get away with things. Like that's another, that's kind of a shift from this too. How does it be?

SPEAKER_03 24:53

Well, it doesn't mean there's no boundary setting.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:56

It doesn't mean you don't set boundaries. Um I was thinking of um kind of an ideal of mine, and it's a fantasy person, is Melanie in Gone with the Wind. She was so gracious and she tried to think the best of everyone. Like her, what's it, her sister-in-law said how terrible Scarlett was, and she says she's just vivacious.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:19

Yeah. And actually, this is a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

All of us watching are going, oh yeah. I don't know about you, but I'm watching that movie, and I'm like, yeah, I can think of some other words for it.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

High spirited and vivacious, I think is what she said. Yeah. And the truth is that if you know Scarlett's heart, she was just immature at that stage. And then if you go ahead and see not just the end of that movie, but then there was a sequel to it, Scarlet. She really grows up in that one.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

And well, that's why what made Clark Gable, the Rhett Butler character, such a great match for her, is that he did see the bigger picture in with her, and he did put boundaries down with her. He did not let her get away with the things, the childish things. No, but he also loved the good in her.

SPEAKER_03 26:05

So yeah, he he he appreciated her courage. One thing.

SPEAKER_00 26:10

Yeah, he saw the good in her, but he didn't allow her to wipe her boots on him. And I think there's so many women out there, especially women that follow us, that are more on that a little bit too loving and forgiving side, and they struggle, especially in their marriages. Their husbands are insensitive and they just kind of take it. And I think that's the part about this specific thing that we're talking about, loving with your whole heart. It doesn't mean that people just get away with everything. Actually, spunk is quite attractive, so you still need to have some spunk. Well, and I think loving someone with your whole heart means that you are also loving yourself and you're not allowing them to treat you poorly. Yeah. And that can be really hard for some of us, especially the more sensitive, like I said, the sensitive ladies. Um, and there's some men out there, especially when we're talking about relationships, there are some men out there that are real bums, like they can say real bum things. And and you know, maybe the ladies are like, Oh, I'm really good at loving him with my whole heart, and I'm letting that go. Well, you also have to love yourself, yeah. And you have to put yourself first and don't let him treat you like that. And I think there's other parts of this ladylike behavior series that we're gonna get into with that topic of kind of like boundary setting, yeah, being mistreated. But I I think it's just important to highlight that loving with your whole heart doesn't just mean loving everyone else and not loving yourself.

SPEAKER_03 27:38

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

Okay, number four is generosity. Now, I know when we we probably are jumping straight to material things that involve money, but we're gonna talk a little bit more. It goes beyond that.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

Oh, yeah. Sometimes the most generous thing you can give someone is your time and attention. Sometimes people are absolutely starving with that affirmative words, taking the time to talk to some, like you said earlier, calling someone. I've been thinking about you. Are you okay? That's very generous.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah. Have you ever had that urge to call someone or text someone and you don't follow it, and then you find out later that something was going on with them? And then just kicking yourself for not doing it. I think that's that's another part of being generous, is generous with your, like you said, with your time and your thoughts. I think a lot of us forget about that.

SPEAKER_03 28:32

And also being generous with compliments. It's free encouragement and making someone helping them to feel seen, important, that they matter.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

Yeah, kind of like what we were talking about earlier with the tenderness, and it's all kind of bleeds into each other. I think that's important to bring up again about helping people feel seen. Maybe not in a creepy way, like you're coming up to them and being a little too assertive, not not like that, but just noticing, like we said earlier, noticing other people. I think women are so good at this. We're better at this than most men.

SPEAKER_03 29:09

We have we have a kind of a built-in nature to it. Sometimes it's kind of blocked a little bit, but it's more it's more natural in us than it is some because we're women tend to be more uh relationship oriented, meaning that we notice things quicker. Sometimes we just don't act on it though. See, that's where we can can learn to actually like you like some someone walks by and you like their handbag of their shoes, say, those are really neat shoes. I love those. Sometimes that'll make someone's day.

SPEAKER_00 29:42

What do you think about the women that are really good at this? They're really generous and they love to do volunteering or acts of service. Let's say they're they're very, very focused on others and they're hoping that they will get something in return. What do you have to say about that? Like a, oh, I'm hoping someone will be generous back to me, but they're not necessarily getting it. What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_03 30:07

Yeah, I think it depends um largely on their intent. I mean, sometimes politically, I've heard people do things for political reasons, whether it's politics and government or politics and just work, to get an advancement. And so you do nice things for people. I think as a lot anyone who's very sensitive is gonna kind of sense that it's not totally from a sincere place. It's smart, but it isn't necessarily sincere.

SPEAKER_00 30:33

I know someone who is going through a really difficult time in their marriage, and they are doing this, they are being generous, they are trying to improve the marriage by kind of going above and beyond with their time, their words, and their attention. I think I hear this all the time. This is a very common thing that we hear about in fascinating womanhood is these women are like, I'm doing this, I'm doing that, I am admiring him, I am being generous with my my time, all those things. And he's not really giving it back to me.

SPEAKER_03 31:05

Oh, I see what you mean. They're doing this so that they can get the reward.

SPEAKER_00 31:11

Well, they're doing it because they think, oh, these are the steps that I need to take. I'm listening, you know, because we've we've talked about this on our YouTube channel, we've talked about this on our Instagram channel, they're following us, it's in your book, they're reading about it, and they're going, oh, you know, fascinating womanhood tells me to do all these things. Well, but then they're saying I'm not really getting anything out of it.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

Uh, how how much time do they, and I'm not asking you to to have the answer to this, but sometimes they want an immediate reaction or answer. And sometimes, like I've talked about how when Bob and I were first married and he threw his socks around, um, it took years uh for him to change. And I didn't know he ever would. I didn't plan on him ever changing. I just thought I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna harbor any resentment for him taking his socks off and kind of throwing them in the room. I'm just gonna pick them up and put in the in the laundry because it doesn't take like 10 seconds. It's nothing. Yeah. So I'm just gonna do it as a free gift. And after about six months, he just stopped doing it and I never said anything. But I couldn't, I didn't put it in the laundry so that he would stop. Right. Then I would unconsciously be watching and resenting every day that he didn't.

SPEAKER_00 32:26

So your answer to that is is don't do these things in order to put strings attached. No, cut those strings because that's not the point.

SPEAKER_03 32:36

Well, and also look right, and also look more for the intent because it could be that he he will notice things, but uh you'll have to look at the way he is trying to give it to you. It may not be the way you're thinking, and verbally, men are less verbal, exactly, and they may he may not say it.

SPEAKER_00 32:54

Maybe he's not being generous with his words, you're being generous with your words and your time, but maybe he's being generous in other ways, and you just aren't you don't see it because yeah, you're waiting for the words, and you gotta do it like we said, without strings.

SPEAKER_03 33:10

And without strings means Bob taught me this years ago, not even thank you. And sometimes the strings we hold over someone is thank you. And if we don't get it, we resent them. It's just not worth it to have resentment.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

Well, it's kind of surprising how often strings will pop up in your life. Like, like uh the other day I went to lunch with my husband, and this is one of my biggest pet peeves when I'm in a food service kind of setting because I worked in food service. We we got our lunch and my husband said thank you, and the cashier said, sure. And I know that's silly. I know it's silly, but I catch it all the time. I catch myself being annoyed because I worked in food service and we were always taught to say thank you at the end when some when somebody leaves, you say you always thank the customer.

SPEAKER_03 34:05

When people do, it feels really good.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

Well, it's just natural to me. Like it just kind of feels like turning on a light switch. It just feels very natural to me. And I constantly hear, especially ever since COVID. I don't know about you, but I feel like ever since COVID happened, the restaurant industry has dramatically changed, and there's such varying levels of service out there everywhere. And I'm not saying it's all bad, but it's just all over the place, inconsistent. And this is something that I have noticed more and more. And it's usually, I hate to say it, it's usually someone younger. Oh, is it? Yeah. Like, oh, I just spent, you know, whatever money, and you're and you're like, thank you. And they're like, sure.

SPEAKER_03 34:45

It's just you're a job if it weren't for your customers. It's almost like saying whatever.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

Exactly. And well, sometimes they don't even say anything after you say thank you. And then some of them say you're welcome. And I think I think that's even more puzzling, like, oh, I'm welcome. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 35:00

But anyway, well, I noticed I've noticed some people, service givers, uh, in food service or whatever, when you leave the store and they say thank you, how many customers just ignore them? True. And on the other side, and they don't say anything.

SPEAKER_00 35:14

Yeah, yeah. So it's I I I thought of that when you were mentioning strings because I thought, gosh, I catch myself having strings attached to things all the time and I don't mean to. And that's an example of you know, me needing to remind myself, I need to cut the strings. It doesn't really matter if someone says thank you or not. It's it's I said thank you because I just wanted to say thank you.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

You have to deliberately to yourself say, I'm gonna expect no strings. At least I found I have to deliberately consciously say, I'm not gonna expect anything.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

Well, and then in that way, when something does happen, you're more aware of it. When something positive happens, you're extra sensitive to it. Oh my goodness, that person just said thank you. Like that was nice, and you're really more aware when you don't expect it.

SPEAKER_03 36:06

When you're leaving a restaurant or a store and somebody says thank you, it's so nice. I wondered from their perspective, wouldn't it be nice if they got a big smile and oh, you're so welcome. Mm-hmm. Um I feel like Yeah, people are people are pretty so friendly where you live.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

Where I live, it's very common to kind of you know get a gruntle, like a grunt, like a grunt.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

Why is that? What is going on?

SPEAKER_00 36:31

I don't know. I uh I really I really enjoy visiting home in Missouri because when when my husband and I are there and when our my family is there, my kids are there, we all notice it. We all notice it everywhere we go. We're like, wow, everybody's so friendly. We were even driving in your neighborhood, and my daughter said, Why is that person walking? Why'd they wave at us? Because they're driving by. Because they're friendly.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

Everybody here is very generous with their they're very friendly here.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

You know, you probably remember that friend we had visit us from South Africa for about two months. Yeah, he kept saying over and over, people are so friendly here. He'd go to he'd go to Branson, that's a town about almost an hour away, and he'd say, People, people act like they know you, like they're gonna invite you over for dinner. He'd see people wave at him in the neighborhood, and he'd say, Do you know those people? No. Well, why are they waving? Because people are friendly.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

It's a different form of generosity. Yes, it's and it's very warm, and not everybody's like that. I'm not saying everyone needs to be that friendly, but I think it's just an example of ways that you can be generous as a woman without strings attached and without it costing anything.

SPEAKER_03 37:50

Yeah, you wave at somebody as you pass, and it costs you nothing. You smile at somebody. Uh, like we said, people, everyone you pass is carrying burdens, worries. And some are some are carrying tragedies, and you don't know necessarily who who that is, but being kind and being thoughtful are easy and free.

SPEAKER_00 38:12

And that kind of very nicely segues into number five, which is emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_03 38:19

Intelligence.

SPEAKER_00 38:20

Yes. Everyone's talking about emotional intelligence now. They didn't talk about this when I was a kid. I didn't know what it was when I was a kid. And I feel like it's a really it's a really talked-about topic, but I don't hear anybody talking about it when as it relates to ladylike behavior.

SPEAKER_03 38:35

It it is one of the hallmarks of a very gracious woman that's being able to understand other people generally, not all specific specifics of everybody. Have you ever gone into a room and felt tension? I'm talking about like it could be a store or uh it doesn't have to be someone's living room. It can be it can be just a room, it can be at a school or at the at the mall or something, and you can kind of feel or you can feel excitement in a room. It's not that others can't, but it's that you actually allow yourself to notice it, and then you can respond to it, and also being aware of how you come across that sometimes is harder because uh sometimes we're so wrapped up in our own issues and emotions, we don't notice how we're coming across.

SPEAKER_00 39:29

So that's another part of it, but you can some of us are born with this, I feel like some of us just really are good at this, but how can those that aren't maybe as good at it or are maybe feeling like they're getting a lot of feedback, perhaps, in their life about not being very self-aware? How can someone work on this?

SPEAKER_03 39:50

Start by making it conscious, like like this podcast is doing, becoming becoming aware and thinking, you know what? I could improve in this area. I I've got had a lot on my mind, I've gone through this or that or whatever. But I do care about other people and I want to be more like this. And you can start a new chapter in your life every month if you have to. And so becoming aware is a big thing. Just like we said before, deciding to let go of strings is a conscious decision. Just like um emotional intelligence is something that I think most women are born with, even if it's even if it's kind of dormant in some, it still have that in there.

SPEAKER_00 40:36

Don't you think that emotional intelligence has a lot to do with your ability to multitask?

SPEAKER_03 40:42

Yeah, yeah. No, I think you're right. And I I have such a clear advantage over Bob in terms of multitasking. Some men are a little better at it than others, but I have a definite ability. And in fact, my son often says, Mom, I'm not good at multitasking. If I if he's trying to do something and I'm trying to talk to him, he says, I'm not good at multitasking. Let me finish this and then say something I just take for granted because I can do it.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

Being able to read the room, be aware of yourself. Be a good conversationalist. Like there's oh, there's like a checklist of things I'm thinking of when you're somewhere socially. And being able to, or maybe it's one-on-one, but you just have so much on your mind. Have you ever talked to somebody, but you have so much on your mind and you can't even focus on them. Yes, and that's it's embarrassing. Yeah, your brain is kind of clouded, and how can you work on that? I think this is something that is really not talked about enough.

SPEAKER_03 41:41

Well, okay, it depends on the situation, but it on those occasions when you're say overwhelmed with something you're trying to deal with, and you become aware of it, you can touch the person lightly on the arm and say, I'm so sorry, you deserve so much more of my focused attention. But I've got I've got some things on my mind I just can't seem to get away from. I'm really sorry. That's awareness that you're not doing something. Right. You can say, for forgive me, I've just got a lot on my mind. It's not, it's not you at all, it's me.

SPEAKER_00 42:11

Yeah. Well, this is something that you have to have trial and error. You know, I feel like I've had jobs where I've been kind of forced to work on this.

SPEAKER_02 42:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

Um, because when you're anybody that's worked on a team, whether it be in a in an office, whether it be in a sport, you are gonna get feedback. You're gonna ruffle feathers. I mean, the majority of us are uh maybe it's on purpose, but usually I think it's not intentional, despite some of the people out there that might think it is. Usually it's not intentional that that you're gonna ruffle some feathers. And I've been given some really difficult situations, especially in the workplace, where I've had to really take a slice of pumple pie and say, I need to change, I need to be more aware, I need to work on this. This is something, and it's not just because I'm getting a paycheck, it's something that I'm, you know, people miss or misunderstood me or I'm I misunderstood them. And I think this is a a topic I I particularly get passionate about because my husband is in human resources and he his his whole job is built on a foundation of emotional intelligence and rules and things like that. But I think it's so interesting when you say how men approach it differently because it's so true. They can approach emotional intelligence as kind of like a task.

SPEAKER_03 43:34

Yeah, I know that's what Bob does. Bob, when he had partners, he doesn't now, but when he had partners, they always wanted him to fire people because they liked hiring them, but they made him fire. Nobody likes to fire people, it's terrible. And he just he said, I didn't enjoy doing it, but he says, I just would talk to them and say, you know, this just isn't working out. And and so he said I didn't mind it. And if he says, I I saw it as a task.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:01

And it wasn't personal. And he didn't he didn't ever accuse people of anything. He's a neuropsychologist and he has to talk to people, but he said he approaches talking to him as a task. I don't, and it's one of the reasons he said in um psychology, women sometimes burn out quicker than men because they they emotionally can get kind of connected to people.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

Well, it's so funny. I have an example of this. The other day, my daughter was in a little bit of a tiff with one of her friends at school. And she was telling my son about it, who's older. She was trying to get his perspective and his advice. And she says, you know, I'm having this issue with so and so. And he said, Well, that's easy. Just stop hanging out with her. That isn't what she wanted to do. She was horrified. And the reason why I bring this up as an emotional intelligence is, and as we're talking about difference between men and women, she was horrified by that because there was no part of her that was just willing to quit. And like you said, women have to kind of hang on a little longer because we want to fix it. She wanted his advice as to how to mend the relationship.

SPEAKER_03 45:08

And yeah, not just dump her.

unknown 45:10

Just dump her.

SPEAKER_00 45:13

Which is such a such a typical kind of teenager thing to say, I guess. But yeah, yeah. Not that he, you know, not to say anything bad about him. I think he was just trying to help. And I think that's that's very understandable for someone his age, a boy his age.

SPEAKER_03 45:27

Some men act like that.

SPEAKER_00 45:29

Well, that's true.

SPEAKER_03 45:31

Like, who needs who needs that person?

SPEAKER_00 45:35

Oh, yeah, he'll say that constantly about like, I mean, even if something happens to me, he'll be like, Well, just dump the person or just ignore them. He says that have nothing to do with bad emotional intelligence to just dump somebody or I mean, and not to say that you shouldn't ever distance yourself from things. I mean, of course, there's situations where things become toxic and you need to distance yourself, but I'm talking about that everyday kind of like misunderstanding. The thing that we all experience and encounter all the time. The the person that was rude to you or the person that rubbed you wrong is like the answer should not just be, I'm done, get that person away right right away. Emotional intelligence means that you're willing to kind of problem solve a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 46:17

And sometimes that requires forgiveness.

SPEAKER_00 46:19

Well, and maybe it doesn't work out, but at least you're you have the awareness and the maturity to be able to say, you know, we're gonna work this out, we can fix this, or I can fix this, or I'm going to try to fix this.

SPEAKER_03 46:34

And some well, and sometimes when you do that, sometimes you can't, and you have to distance yourself. But it isn't a knee-jerk reaction.

SPEAKER_00 46:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 46:43

Where you just dump them, just don't hang out with her.

SPEAKER_00 46:46

Just stop hanging out with her. And this is like one of her best friends, too. So I didn't even say that. It's like one of her best friends. So it's obvious that you know, I don't that's where you have to teach your kids. Like, well, I mean, some parents do say that. They say, okay, don't just don't hang out with her for a while.

SPEAKER_03 47:03

Well, and sometimes people like your daughter, she's a little child, so she wouldn't know anyway, but they don't realize that they're when they're telling someone their problem, they're not asking that person to solve it. They more want empathy. Well, they don't want someone to say, just dump her. I mean, sometimes sometimes I tell Bob something I need to vent, and I'll tell him something, and his immediate reaction is to try to give me a solution. Uh, when I don't always want one, I just want empathy.

SPEAKER_00 47:35

Yeah. Well, and you also have to look for the intent.

SPEAKER_03 47:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:39

What is this person? And I think that's the theme of like every single one of these, really, is the intent behind what people are trying to communicate, what they're trying to accomplish. And not to say that they they can just get away with things because their intent was in the right place, but there's a balance there. And like with there's a lady that I volunteer with at the schools that is known for being abrasive. And I feel like I'm probably one of the only people that hasn't complained about her. She got kicked off of the volunteering committee because she's so abrasive. Wow, that's pretty bad when you get kicked kicked off of volunteering. Volunteering. She actually's a very abrasive person. And I I really, and I'm not saying that I'm not annoyed with her. Sometimes she can really step on my boundaries and cross the line, but as a whole, I've tried to challenge myself to see, oh, she just really wants this program to be run well. She just really wants the kids. She is here because she cares about her kids, she cares about all the kids so much to where she's being a little controlling. Yeah, yeah. There's people out there that are come across as abrasive and controlling. But if you can look underneath that a little bit, give them grace, try to, you know, work on their intent, like understanding their intent, what are they trying to do? It's you're gonna have more friends, you're gonna be happier.

SPEAKER_03 49:05

And you don't necessarily have to be friends with everyone, but you can be civil with people. If you you can at least do that, right, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 49:16

So all of these five points are what build into being more gracious over time. Remember, it's not something that you have or you don't, it's just something that you practice. And this is all in your book, right? In Fast for the time of someone.

SPEAKER_03 49:34

The way you treat people is what they remember.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

Yes. I hope you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for all of your valuable advice in this wonderful discussion.

SPEAKER_03 49:44

Well, it's another thing, one of the things I love about women, I have to say good women, there's some kind of not so good women out there too, but and there's a lot of good women is that they want to learn and they they want to improve and be better. And um, and that includes us. I I I need I need to remind myself of this all the time.

SPEAKER_00 50:04

Oh, same. I this is stuff that we're both always working on.

SPEAKER_03 50:08

Yeah, yeah, it's it's kind of a life goal.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Yeah, it's not a you arrived thing, although I've known people that seem like they've arrived, but for those of you that have not read Dixie's book, please visit fascinatingwomanhood.com. You can find our whole library there, as well as our classes, our articles, our story, everything that you would want to learn about us is there. We also are on Amazon. So if you want to look up our fascinating womanhood books on Amazon, they're for sale there as well. We're here every week, so we would love to hear from you. Getting requests from you is definitely a highlight in our day. We would love to hear what you want us to talk about. We have, I think, two more episodes of this ladylike behavior series. So if you're listening to this one, be sure to check out the the next parts of the series so you can have the full entire series to listen to. And we will see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 51:04

Bye. Stay feminine