16 Ways to Spot a Rat: Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

Have you ever heard someone say, “I’ve always had a thing for bad boys”? Or maybe you know someone who keeps choosing men who leave her disappointed, confused, and heartbroken again and again.

Maybe that someone is you.

In this episode, we’re talking about how to recognize the warning signs before your heart gets too involved. If you’ve ever wondered why the wrong men can seem so appealing, or how to spot bad character before it costs you your peace...we’ve got you covered.

When we say  a “rat” we mean the kind of man who may charm you at first, but later proves he is not honest, steady, protective, respectful, or right for you.

This discussion is not about expecting perfection. It is about learning to recognize patterns, pay attention to character, and protect your peace before you become deeply attached to someone who is not worthy of your trust or heart.

We’ll talk about subtle warning signs, emotional immaturity, selfishness, manipulation, lack of integrity, and the behaviors women often excuse when they want a relationship to work. If you have ever wondered whether a man is truly good for you, this episode will help you slow down, observe wisely, and choose with more confidence.

Don’t ignore the signs.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the official Fascinating Womanhood Podcast, where we explore timeless principles for developing true femininity, inspiring authentic masculinity, and building strong, loving, and lasting relationships. I'm Cherry Lynn and I'm here with my mom, Dixie Analyn Forsythe. Together we'll dive into the heart of what makes relationships thrive, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt conversations to help you live a more fulfilled and fascinating life.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

So today we are talking about the rat filter, which we're also calling in today's podcast 16 Ways to Spot a Rat. This is from chapter 22 in your book, Fascinating Woman for the Timeless Woman. Before we jump into the 16 ways to spot a rat, do you want to explain what a rat is and how you came up with that?

SPEAKER_01 0:56

I guess because of a couple of people I've known. And fortunately, it's not a lot, but there there happens. And I'm sure there are for all of you, you've known people who are kind of just rats. And what I mean by a rat is somebody that can fool you up front, then over time they kind of give themselves away and you realize, oh no, you know, they were disingenuous or not capable of a really close relationship, or sometimes even criminal.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

Hopefully not. Hopefully, he's not a criminal.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Well, keeping in mind that a lot of criminals get away with it, they're all alive. That's true.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

Well, and there's women out there listening that probably have dated criminals or have dated someone that has committed a crime or it feels like they should maybe be in jail because they're so nasty or but nobody found out. Nobody found out, but it's not just that severe either. It can just be straight up guys that are just bums.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Yeah, guys that their focus is themselves and you fit into it as far as you serve them. And if not, you're gonna be sorry. So there's obvious things that all of us get about rat rats. But we're talking about the ones that might be able to fool you a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Didn't you say that there was someone that you knew that uh asked you to do a rat filter because she had been through so many terrible relationships?

SPEAKER_01 2:26

I don't remember her saying that phrase. Yeah. But you know, all of us have known people, uh unless we are those people, who say they like bad boys. Right. I just talked to a woman the other day, she says, I was always into the bad boys. It was our neighbor, in fact. And she married one and it was a disaster. So she's married again now to a really great guy, but that he wasn't a bad boy.

SPEAKER_03 2:51

Yeah, exactly. I wish that I had known about this list uh when I was younger. I think that every girl should go through this list, every female should hear these things. Yeah. Um when they start dating. I'm serious because these are pretty, pretty clear, these things. Yeah. They happen. And and I I do think it's fair. We do have to mention that if maybe one of these things you're not positive, you you might need to just investigate it a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Well, yes, I'm glad you said that because he we put ourselves in a judge position.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

And a lot of women, um, we have sometimes an issue with this with ladies saying, for example, it's kind of an in thing almost to say somebody's a narcissist. You hear it all over the place. Where where I've, you know, and talking to Bob about it, someone can have some narcissistic tendencies, but not be diagnosable as narcissists, and that's not the same thing.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

Well, just because someone has a little bit of a narcissistic tendency doesn't mean they're a rat either.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

No, no, it doesn't. It it doesn't at all.

SPEAKER_03 3:58

We'll go through it. We'll go through these sixteen, but I think what I wanted to mention before we go into this list is this part in your book that I think is so helpful. And it's it's introducing this topic, and it says, if your focus is on looks, wealth, or status, and if your priorities do not mature beyond that at some early point, the romance will be short-lived. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Can you explain that a little bit more? Well, see that that is putting responsibility on us. Right. If our focus is on, and there's a lot of ladies who have that focus, on how a guy looks, how much money or power or status he has, then you you could accidentally get a good guy, but that's not enough to last a lifetime. He's gotta have some character, he's gotta have something that lasts. Looks go eventually, and money, you never have any guarantee about money staying around. Even even a a really wealthy person can lose it all. So there's no guarantee on any of those things. The only guarantee you can have is if you get somebody who is a good person who when they fall, they'll get back up, they'll try to do better, and they'll um correct things, they'll they'll try you know work to be a better person all the time. That will last. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Yeah. I think that's the heart of what we're talking about is a lot of a lot of times we can't spot these men and we fall in love and we can't see these things because we're blinded by, like you said, either the looks, the wealth, or the status. And it's important to go through this list and really be honest with yourself when you are when you're looking for a man, when you're looking for a partner, it it's I feel like the flip side of some of these things could almost be what you're looking for. Maybe not all of them. Yeah, we could kind of discuss that too as we get into the list. Um before one more thing before we jump into the list is the deal breaker type of people. We we need to acknowledge that there are gonna be people that you might be dating that there are deal breaker tendencies. Yeah. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Well, okay, what we touched on before, criminals, and I mean criminals, addicts who have no interest in recovery, serial cheaters, and abusers.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

And when I by abusers, I don't mean he just said, Oh, you're a terrible housekeeper. I that that's not that's I mean I'm talking about physical abuse, terrible emotional abuse, uh, consistent emotional abuse, and of course, uh serial cheaters. Some the reason I say serial is because there's sometimes a man will have an affair, uh, maybe because of things going on in his life, maybe because of things going on in the marriage, and he feels terrible and really wants to correct it. Now, if he does, it's up to the woman whether she is able to go on or whether she just can't. Like the trust is broken, I'll never trust him again. And we tell ladies it's kind of up to you what you can do. Some women can forgive and move on, and others just can't. And so the seri serial cheaters, uh, Bob has told me that a a guy who has um more than one or two max affairs is a serial cheater. He's not a guy who's it's just a kind of a oh dear, oops.

SPEAKER_03 7:44

Right. Well, and I think you know, with the criminals, addicts, serial cheaters, and abusers, those are not, to be clear, they are not in our list because they are deal breakers that are kind of separate.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

Yeah, they're deal breakers.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Simply just don't, just stay away from those types of people, is kind of what we're saying. So yeah. Okay, so each one of these, how to spot a rat, has a little nickname that we're gonna go through for you because it'll be easier for you to remember. Yeah. Um, and each one of them has a a bit of a tagline with their trait. So the first one is Mr. Puddle. Mr. Puddle is overly superficial, he is wide enough to splash around in, but never deep, just a puddle.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Yes, and I know I have known people like that.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:41

They're just they just they just want to have fun. And they're not interested in, I mean, when you have conversations with them, they never get into anything very deep. Yeah. It's always, I went to this cool theme park and we did this, and which is nothing wrong with that unless that's kind of the tendency of where you always that person always goes.

SPEAKER_03 9:04

Well, and isn't Mr. Puddle also kind of like I think this might dip into some of the other ones, but isn't he just kind of like really into himself and his image?

SPEAKER_01 9:17

That's one of the reasons why he's so superficial. That's part part of it. And it may not be into his looks, he may not particularly take care of himself that well, but he's interested in like I knew a guy that said once, um, I live for comfy. You want to be comfy. Yeah, oh, okay. Yeah, that that that is very superficial.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

That one may almost could have been the nickname is Mr. Comfy.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

And he said it in all seriousness. I live for comfy.

SPEAKER_03 9:48

And I thought, okay. Well, I will say that Mr. Puddle sounds like he could just be immature. So it may not be a deal breaker for this guy for you to stop seeing this guy. Maybe you have a Mr. Puddle that you're interested in. He may grow out of it, he may change. But if he's 50, he may not. Yeah, well, that's that's gonna be bad if he's 50. He's really superficial and he only cares about surface things. He's not very deep and he's fifty.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Yeah, he's probably not he's probably not gonna get real deep.

SPEAKER_03 10:18

He might change, um, but it's not necessarily about you marrying him and hoping he'll change either. I think that's a big no-no. You don't want to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Well, that's the thing. He any of these people might change, but it's it's a high risk for you to marry him and hope. Don't ever marry anyone in hopes they'll change.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Yes, exactly. The second one is Mr. Fault Finder. Everyone is stupid except him. That's his kind of tagline.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Why have I known people like this? Okay. Now well, sometimes they're women, but we're talking about men here.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Overly critical. Everybody is, you know, they don't have anything good to say about anybody.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

Yeah, just negative about everyone.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Like, I really like that person. You know, not a person that is always finding fault. And but yet they're very thin-skinned about someone saying anything about them.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

Well, it just feels like they're the the classic store, like dark cloud. Yeah. With Mr. Fault Finder, it's like he's kind of like a dark cloud. And I think some women might find that to be really attractive and mysterious, but if he's really critical, overly critical of everyone around him, that is a bit of a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

And by the way, a person like that, if you find a Mr. Fault Finder, he's doing it about you too, when you're not right. Well, and what does that say about his character in life, though, if he's constantly looking for the critical uh part it it's real low self-esteem and security on his part, and he's trying to overcompensate, but somebody like that, uh Mr. Fault Finder isn't necessarily the worst of the worst of these these these lists, but it's something to pay attention to and not say, oh, I didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 12:12

Exactly. Well, don't yeah, if you meet Mr. Fault Finder and he's great otherwise, maybe that's maybe it's okay, but maybe again, maybe it is something that can kind of shift with him as he as he grows. But if he's Mr. Fault Finder and he's Mr. Puddle, oof.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Yeah. These when we we're talking about these traits, these are for you to check, like check out. Not just they're not deal breakers. That's why we just mentioned the deal breakers above.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Yes, and that and they're things to pay attention to and not just brush over as oh he's cute. He's an let's say he's an artist and he's moody, and like, oh, that's kind of cute. Well, long term, as we mentioned in the beginning, long term, how are you gonna deal deal with that? Are you gonna have kids with this guy and he's gonna be overly critical of them? They can it can turn into bigger issues.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Well, if he's overcritical of you once he gets comfortable with you, then then that can you know kind of burn out, burn you out in the end.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Exactly. Okay, then we move into Mr. Main character. This is a guy that is overly arrogant, and every conversation somehow becomes about him.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

I do not understand women that are attracted to this because I think it's it's kind of a to me it it's it's easy to spot. If they're overly arrogant, it becomes really quick, like almost the first time you meet them. They they don't hide it very well.

SPEAKER_03 13:41

Well, arrogance can sometimes come across as masculine.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Or confidence.

SPEAKER_03 13:47

Or confident. And so I think some women are attracted to that part of it. But if he is incredibly selfish and everything is about him, that that starts to get into that narcissist thing you were talking about.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Yeah, well, you just need to you need to check it out further because if he's Mr. Main character, and when you're in a conversation with, say, four people, and it you notice he's always ends up, no matter what someone brings up, uh it ends up like you're talking about vacation, you're gone on, and it ends up always that he's talking about himself.

SPEAKER_03 14:25

Yeah, or he's begging for constant admiration. I think some guys are starving for admiration, and they you it this might come across as Mr. Main character, but really he just hasn't had it. And if you start giving him admiration and he starts calming down, I think then you know, okay, his he's not really Mr. Main character. He's just he's just starving for these things and he hasn't had them, and then when he has them, he starts to kind of balance out a little bit more. But if he gets the admiration and he doesn't calm down, it maybe even gets worse. Yeah, yeah. I feel like you might want to reconsider maybe if this guy is the right one.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Well, and it those kind of the guys that are actually overly arrogant often have trouble keeping friends because a lot of people don't care for it. It's not just dating.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

It's an unattractive trait, but sometimes it can be kind of hidden underneath other things.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Depend how obviously arrogant he is. I mean, it it he could just bring things around to himself where people think, how did we get on that subject?

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Yeah. Okay. The next one is Mr. Couch Prince. I have never been attracted to men like this, but I think that are Mr. Crou Couch Prince is unambitious. He has perhaps big dreams, but very zero movement, and he has a lazy personality.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Yeah, you know, there's there's a certain segment of society that has maybe has a good idea for say a business, but good ideas are not are not that hard to come by. What's hard to come by is putting him, making him a reality. And so the Mr. Couch Prince is a guy who constantly talks about what he wants to do, but doesn't really ever have a plan. Now, sometimes they're they're probably almost always men who are insecure. Mm-hmm. And low confidence. Real low confidence. But if it goes on and on, and especially if you find out there is a trait in his family of people who do the same thing. They have big dreams and they're gonna do this and do that, but they all end up just kind of on the following through. Well, go going on welfare. That's what they all end up doing, even though they have these big dreams, they don't ever actually implement, they don't start.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

They just like it's like the guy that maybe is sitting at home watching video games. Yeah. Or play, I'm sorry, sitting at home playing video games, yeah, and the bills are due. Yeah. I I'm picturing though, and I know I've known men like that that are, you know, when this happens, as soon as this happens, I'm gonna do this. Yeah. They're not really interested in taking charge. And I'm not saying that you have to be wealthy, it's more about having stability, and they just are not interested in having that.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

It's a work ethic thing. Work ethics are kind of important if throughout your life. You can't get by very well if you just if you just go from one tiny check to another, nothing's stable. Oh you know, some of Bob's patients that I've dealt with over the years, they'll have they can't they can't keep a job. They get they'll get mad at their boss and they'll they'll quit. And they're somehow they are okay enough with that, they hate it, but not enough to hang in there.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

And well, and this one sometimes blends into Mr. Fault Finder. Yeah. Like he can't keep a job, like you said, or he's continuing to like not be able to find stability, but it's not his fault, it's everyone else's fault.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Yeah, yeah. And yeah, I I can't do I can't implement this dream because these awful people. Because I keep the government or whatever it's the government, it's all their fault. Yeah, we don't know any of those people, so let's blind them.

SPEAKER_03 18:33

Well, or I can't keep a relationship. Why, you know, you can ask a guy what happened with your last relationship, and if it's very fault-finding or even overly critical of someone else, it's not my fault. None of my relationships have lasted, but none of them are my fault. And then he's a couch potato. I can see all those things kind of blending together. I've seen it.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

I actually I have too, and that's also sometimes the guy that if he's been in a number of relationships, he'll say, All these other women were crazy.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

Well, and maybe maybe he does uh choose unwisely, maybe he chooses people that are not right for him, but it's that accountability piece. Yes, yes. You're talking to Mr. Couch Prince, and he's talking about all the things that have failed in the past, and none of those failures, he has no responsibility or accountability for those. He's a couch prince. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Sorry to say it, but another one that you know the couch prince is good. Bob often in in his practice uses the king baby.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

King baby, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:39

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

He's a little similar, very similar.

SPEAKER_03 19:43

The next one is Mr. Image Curator. If it looks good, it must be good. Who cares? This is someone that cares more about appearance than truth.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Yeah, and that can be a problem because anytime you're dealing with uh having to live in sort of a fantasy, it it wears thin over time. And and that that person may be somebody, I mean, that doesn't mean you can't have empathy for any of these characters. Because a lot of times, like if it looks good, it must be good, is is kind of a shallow character, but it's also a real insecure person. Uh uh probably all of these have a lot of insecurity in them.

SPEAKER_03 20:22

Right. Well, and Mr. Image Curator, not having any integrity, I think is a big it's hard to it's hard to spot that. It can be really hard to spot that.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Um Well, okay, let me ask you if this one, this description fits with this because I think it might. The guy that is so into his own personal physical image, um, how he looks, uh trying to s looking, and there's nothing wrong with trying to stay young, and there's nothing wrong with working out, but like that is that is the core. He's so obsessed with his own appearance um that that as he gets older he gets fran uh frantic. Because uh let's say he loses starts losing his hair and he can't do anything about it, and and then that becomes the be all end all. And uh those people tend to be more kind of like um into their own that overly arrogant. See some of these blend into each other, but he's so constantly about himself that it's not about Israel.

SPEAKER_03 21:28

I think of when I think of the image uh curator, I think of someone like maybe wanting to buy a giant house that they can't afford because it looks good. And it doesn't matter what it takes, we gotta have this, and we gotta have this car, and we gotta have this vacation.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

We'll deal with the rest later. We'll deal with the rest.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

Who cares what it takes? Um, even if you have to live in that Lamborghini, you're gonna buy it. You know, if it ends up being your house, you're gonna buy it because it looks good. And I think that again reminds me of an immature. Heart. Yeah. Yeah. Like a child, like a teenager kind of dreams of those things. They're not really sure how to get what they want. And if he is really interested in how things look, boy, look out. Because his he's almost kind of like with Mr. Puddle. He's not as deep. He doesn't care about. And maybe he maybe he'll change. Again, maybe he'll change. Maybe he'll grow out of this. Maybe he'll have kids and change. But it's not up to you for him to change.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Well, he might change, but then again he might not. And so that's where you have to be wise. We're not saying don't have anything to do with anybody who has any of these tendencies because you may be wrong, for one thing, and they may and they may mature and change.

SPEAKER_03 22:46

Well, and you may have a positive influence over him that give he'll be inspired to look at things a little differently. Maybe, maybe not.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

Well, the next one, I'm not so sure these guys are gonna change. So Mr. Moral Chameleon. Lack of integrity. That that's an issue with people that they often do not change because they have a basic attitude if I can get away with it, then it's okay.

SPEAKER_03 23:18

The principles that he has in his life that he lives with change depending on who he's talking to.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:23

Yeah, because I've never been attracted to think I've never been attracted to this trait, but I've known women that are. They find exciting.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

They find Yeah, this is a de this is a definite bad boy. These are guys who think, can I get away with this? And if they think they can, they'll do it. And well, see that could the guy that fits Mr. Moral Chameleon might be the guy that cheats on you too, who probably will be.

SPEAKER_03 23:50

Right. Well, this reminds me uh for a visual for anyone that's seen the movie Greece. Yeah, yeah. It reminds me of that scene in Greece when Danny sees Sandy at the football rally and he changes who he is. And I know this is an immature kind of example, but he changes how he talks to her because his friends are watching. Oh my gosh. That I've seen that I I had that as a kid. I'm sure you probably saw it too as a kid. Yeah. Yeah. But what's not funny is when that continues into adulthood and you're still kind of like that. Maybe not that exaggerated of a scene, like like in that movie, but that's what this reminds me of.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Well, lack of integrity is something, even if you see it in a teenager, it tends to bleed into adulthood because it's a lack of conscience. Sort of like, can I get away with it? When does that mature? If you if you spend 10 years in prison. I don't know, but I I don't know how integrity, if a person becomes more has more integrity, they have to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. It's because it's it's it's it's the way they think. Right. It's an issue.

SPEAKER_03 25:04

Yes, and and it can be kind of dangerous.

unknown 25:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:07

This one can be really, really dangerous depending on how bad it is. Yeah, yeah. Okay, the next one is Mr. Empty Compass. Now, this is very similar to Mr. Puddle, but it's a little deeper because it has to do with a lack of the purpose of life and perhaps spiritual beliefs or religious beliefs. Doesn't mean he has to be spiritual or religious, but he needs to have a deeper belief in what life is about.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Yeah, I've known I've why have I known people with all it's probably because I'm old. But anyway, there's there's uh Mr. MT Compass Compass reminds me of somebody that I knew that um said that they started dating this man, thinking they could kind of that he, you know, he like he was sort of a somebody that needed her. Oh yeah, and she thought she I will she said, I'm gonna plumb the depths of him. She said she when she did, she found out there was nothing in there. He wasn't deep at all. She thought he was hiding his depths, but she said he wasn't. There was she didn't find anything there. He just simply did not care beyond uh Mr. Superficial things.

SPEAKER_03 26:21

How do you just discover this one? Because this one's harder. It's not like you're gonna go up to a guy you're dating and be like, so what's the meaning of life? Like, I mean, I really don't think most women are gonna pay it.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

Well, this is where in Timeless I talk about the levels of relationship. And if you take the time, this is the first one, intellectual, where you get to know someone. And then the second one, you emotionally talk about how you feel about things. Some people, because the because they're so attracted to the person and there's so much chemistry, they jump, jump over those things just superficially and go right into the physical. And for women, physical intimacy bonds us quickly to people, and so then it's harder for us. And we talk then we try to justify, like, well, it isn't really that bad. Because we are bonded to that person, we want it to work.

SPEAKER_03 27:14

So it sounds like what you're saying is it just takes a lot of time. You have to spend a lot of time with this person, have a lot of conversations about a lot of different things to discover where he sits with some of these deeper parts of life. And I think with a lot of women, it ends up being spiritual alignment, which is fine.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:35

But there are others out there that don't have the same spiritual alignment exactly with their partners or with their spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends. And I think you've always said that's fine. They just need to be close enough.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Right. They need to have they need to have um, okay, like say you take somebody uh like uh somebody who's very vastly different religious or spiritual beliefs, like a Christian and a Muslim. There's some things that are vastly different, that basic things they don't believe the same, but they still can work out a relationship if they have if they have things that they that are important to that to them that they do have in common.

SPEAKER_03 28:16

Right. Like I I know a couple, for example, the male is atheist, the female is Christian, but they both have exact alignment with how they raise their kids, uh how they follow like local laws, they're both honest people, and somehow they've found a way to align.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Yeah, and they probably avoid talking about certain specific things, but but you know, he has he has uh, in spite of being an atheist, he also has moral ethics, which he follows, which fit with her Christian ethics.

SPEAKER_03 28:51

So well, even people that are atheists have a moral compass in a way because they have thought about it enough, they have researched enough that that is what they've decided in their minds, whether you agree with it or not. That is even deep. It can be, yeah. Yes. Okay, the next one is the Mr. Walking Bachelor Party. Boy, have I never been never been attracted to that time.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

See, to me, those are really they're they're really obvious. They're not hard to find out who this guy is. What is the Mr. Walking Bachelor Party? Every road leads back to sex talk and fantasies.

SPEAKER_03 29:28

All it's all about his fantasies, his dirty graphic sex talk.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

And it can be dirty jokes, dirty jokes, sex talk, all that stuff. And yeah, I I find it a real turnoff. But some women are this is a bad guy that they're attracted to. And you know, Bob said uh years ago, and I always took it to heart, he said some of these girls that are attracted to the Mr. Bad Guy is because they think it would be so amazing if they think maybe that he'll fall in love with them and he may be bad to others, but he will not be bad to her, because she will have she will have conquered his heart and his soul. And so they they think, and that would be such a coup if they could get to that point where he may be a criminal everywhere else, but with her, he wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. And it's actually quite a fantasy.

SPEAKER_03 30:26

Yes, Mr. Walking Bachelor Party. I think how to spot this one is uh actually quite easy because he's talking about these things and he's laughing about them. He's talking about if you're dating him, he's talking about all the things he wants to do to you. And I think some women might find that attractive because they find it again kind of masculine, taking charge. They women might find that as seductive, I guess. Or it makes them feel desirable. It makes them exactly, but watch out if that's something that he's you know, he's just constantly talking about this. He should be talking about some other things. He should be talking about a few other things. He should be talking about this. Is this the Mr. MT compass person, also in a way. Like if he's talking about things and it's also the puddle guy, is he is all he wants to talk about are these shallow kind of superficial things. What else is there to find out about each other? The next one is kind of similar, but a little different. Mr. Boundary Bulldozer. Mm-hmm. This guy doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

How many of us have known guys like that?

SPEAKER_03 31:32

Yeah, this guy does not understand the meaning of the word no. This is a lot of guys these days. I hear about this a lot in our Facebook group. Women will describe the boundary bulldozer guy and they don't even realize it. Yeah. He'll say, like, we need to move in together or else it's over. Or we need to get a house or something, or um, you know, he can't he can't seem to put any commitment for you.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

Or he says you've dated him once or twice, and he says, I love you, so therefore sleep with me. And if you don't, then he gets angry.

SPEAKER_03 32:10

Yeah. Or he's you s you say something like, Not yet, I'm not ready, and he won't respect. Or he dumps you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:19

In which case, if he does, you should you should happy days are here again because you don't need a guy like that.

SPEAKER_03 32:25

Well, and it's hard if you've fallen for a guy like this and you've already gotten through all the good parts of dating and things are going well, and then all of a sudden, when it comes to physical things, he he just doesn't and it is I guess it doesn't even have to be physical things. It could be a lot of things, but it's about boundaries in general. If you say, Hey, I'm not ready to share a bank account with you yet.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

Oh my gosh, yeah, that's really dangerous, is yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:52

Or he says, Hey, let's get a a pet together, and you're like, I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment, or he wants you to move somewhere and you're like, I'm just not ready. And he doesn't understand your boundaries, or he doesn't he doesn't care when you say no.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

Well, yeah, but it isn't just about sex, you could also put in don't loan him money. He's pushing you for a loan.

SPEAKER_03 33:11

Yeah, and he doesn't seem to care when you say no. I'm not ready. Yeah, yeah. Um, I mean, I guess we've all known those guys.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

SPEAKER_03 33:20

I don't know why it's men that like to to do that. I don't I don't think women are as pushy. We don't tend to be as pushy in that area.

SPEAKER_01 33:28

Uh not so much that area. No. Not as much. There's probably some of us out there, but not as much.

SPEAKER_03 33:37

The number 10 is Mr. Heatseeker. You and I both know someone like this. All too well. He's obsessed with looks and attraction, and he can't get away from it. Now, this is kind of similar to the main character, an arrogant guy. But it's a little different because he's constantly talking about looks, your looks, other people's looks.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

Now, to be fair, I I've known women who get into that too. Women are like this too. Yeah, they can be. This hotness. I am is uh uh how about married men who talk about women that they know that are hot.

SPEAKER_03 34:16

Well, chances are if he's doing this when you're dating, he might keep doing it when you're married, which is gonna cause problems.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

Well, I'd uh you know, in Fascinating Womanhood, we know women who are married who say their husbands always talk about this actress that's hot and and their figure and specific things about their figure and and things like that that gets really uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_03 34:38

And why does that, aside from it making us uncomfortable, why is this a sign that he is, you know, kind of a bum?

SPEAKER_01 34:47

Well, once back to the first one, it's it's superficial. And it's it, you know, why is he obsessed with this? These kind of guys are often, I would say, probably into porn. Uh and also the the graphic sex talk and all of that, Mr. Walking Bachelor Party, you gotta watch out for porn because it's also really common.

SPEAKER_03 35:10

Yeah, yeah, those all three kind of like tend to be kind of the same guy.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

And some people say, What's wrong with a little porn? They're not doing anything to anyone. Well, for one thing, uh it's it's it's very addictive, and addictions are never good in a relationship, sharing an addiction with somebody and just realizing that the people who are filmed in porn are often sex trafficked girls. So it it's just not a good thing. It's just not good. And also, if a man is watching porn, you can never measure up to that. Not you can't, because because they have special effects and editing and all that stuff, and you can't you can't be that. It's a fantasy.

SPEAKER_03 35:53

And if he is if the heat seeker is uh is obsessed with fantasies, I there's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best and present well and be into your health, and that's all great. Um, but this is more going into the direction of obsession. Um, I think that could be easily misunderstood that he's saying, Oh, you know, you're so hot or something. There's nothing wrong with that. It's nothing wrong with him telling you that you're hot. But if it's a constant obsession and he's obsession, yeah. Just constantly talking about hotness and who's hot and who's not. Yes, exactly. That can be a bit of a warning sign that he's he's that's what's on his mind. And he's verbalizing this and it's always on his mind. Why is this always on his mind? Is there anything else to him? Just check it out and investigate that about him a little bit more. Exactly. Number 11 is Mr. Status Snob. This has to do with how he treats service workers and people that maybe are less fortunate than him.

SPEAKER_01 36:56

People who are of no consequence to him. They can't make his life more successful or better. Just people who are who are either of no consequence like some um somebody that is begging for money on the street or somebody who's serving you.

SPEAKER_03 37:12

I hate to say it, women do this too pretty bad. They do. They they do. How anyone treats a service worker, someone less fortunate than you, is a big sign of your character. And I don't want to say this one's a deal breaker because someone might be really, really wonderful overall, and then they just have this kind of side to them.

SPEAKER_01 37:33

Um I've seen um I've seen once in a while I've watched those police cam videos. I don't know why, because they're always annoying. But anyway, anyway, there's there's been too many of them where I've seen where people men and women will treat uh police officers like that. Like you're my servant. I pay for you with tax money, and so you need to do this, and I demand this and demand demand that. And so I've always I've always looked at um law enforcement as you know, having kind of a lot of power compared to me. So I don't I don't think of it like that, but a lot of people act like they're my they are here there's to serve the public, so I want you to serve me. And I'm really surprised at that, but there's men and women who do that. They treat waiters like that, waitresses, flight attendants, get me this, get me that, because that person they see is kind of beneath them as their servant.

SPEAKER_03 38:40

Yeah, that it's a power dynamic kind of struggle. And I think that a man that doesn't have any kind of compassion or just plain downright etiquette when it comes to service people, uh, I I'm not really sure. I've never dated a guy like that. I've known them, but I've never dated them. I actually know some men that are kind of like that now. Um, and I don't know how their wives handle that because you can see it. You know what I'm talking about when you're when there's someone rude to like a waiter. I always think of waiters, I think that's the most common one. And everyone kind of looks at each other like, uh oh. I know, embarrassed.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

Yeah, well, I people that are um status snob sometimes, maybe even often, don't treat children any better because they're kind of beneath them. Yeah. Yeah, so what do they do? Well, if you're dating somebody like that, it you need to check into it because he if he's like that, this is behind closed doors. How will he treat you? I think the what we're looking for is someone who is genuinely a good person and cares about the feelings of others. Exactly. Yeah. No matter whether they're that person is of consequence to them, whether they never see him again, or just anyone. Yeah. Human life. It's respecting human life.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

The next one is Mr. Bottomless Cup. This has to do with guys that have a little bit of an addictive trait with life. Not not downright addicts, like we mentioned in the beginning, but someone that doesn't really understand moderation and isn't interested in learning about moderation.

SPEAKER_01 40:26

Well, it can be playing video games, it can be porn, it can be just they have to do the same things all the time. So addictive personalities are challenging and they're not they're not deal breakers. Right. It's like nothing is never is never enough. There's no moderation. Lack of moderation is challenging for this world.

SPEAKER_03 40:49

It is. It is really challenging for a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 40:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:54

Not just men. It's very challenging to learn moderation, but it also comes with if you're gonna marry somebody like that, you just need to be aware of it, I think, because that can come with a lot of problems down the road. Exactly. Like you said, like the video games or the maybe he's not ambitious and he's Mr. Bottomless Cup. And then you've got the two things going on, and boy, that's gonna be a lot of arguments in your relationship down the road. Is that what you wanna you wanna sign up for that?

SPEAKER_01 41:27

You know, like it's difficult. I mean, if if you assume you're gonna live until you die of old age, you live full life, that's a lot of years to to live with that. And you have to assume they're not gonna change. You can't assume someone's gonna change because you can't change them. Well, this one tends to not change.

SPEAKER_03 41:46

I think a lot of the ones we've talked about are easily changed with maturity. Maturity, yeah. Yes, and growth, just natural growth. This one might be a personality trait, and it might be fine, it might be harmless, the things that they're that they're kind of obsessed with. They may be obsessed with exercise, they may be obsessed with movies, maybe addicted to work even. There's people that are workaholics, like those can be a little bit easier to to navigate, but maybe not. But I think if he's you know obsessed with playing video games, we hear that one all the time. He's addicted to porn, he's addicted to drinking, he's addicted to partying. You know, just look out, watch out for those things because that ooh that could be something in the future.

SPEAKER_01 42:28

At least go in with your eyes open.

SPEAKER_03 42:30

The next one is Mr. Shortcut King.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

Now, this one is kind of similar to Mr. Morrow Chameleon.

SPEAKER_03 42:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:41

Lack of integrity, definitely.

SPEAKER_03 42:43

Well, he's not patient. I think that's the one that I take away from it. He he engages in high-risk behaviors because he's not patient in general.

SPEAKER_01 42:50

Well, anyway. Guys who lie, cheat, break rules, create drama. It's something to watch out for because it's again kind of like, can I get away with it? Some people do that. Mr. Shortcut can do that in legal things like their taxes. They'll cheat on their taxes to see if they can get away with it. I'm not talking about taking deductions that are kind of iffy. I'm talking about not reporting things, obvious things that you think I might get away with it.

SPEAKER_03 43:23

I don't know. It's okay to take a shortcut when it's truly a shortcut, but not when it's an illegal shortcut.

SPEAKER_01 43:28

I think that's a good that's a good way to put it.

SPEAKER_03 43:31

That's the way that I look at this one is if he is constantly breaking rules, um, he'll he's a cheater. You play rules and he's a cheater, you know, he or maybe he's literally a cheater.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

Like, say there's there's a sign that says do not enter, and just oh, who cares? And he just goes in and sees, I don't think anyone's around. I'll get away with it.

SPEAKER_03 43:52

I a lot of women see that as attractive because they're adventurous. Again, this goes confident. Yeah. Confident thing.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:00

And maybe he's just got a little tiny bit of this that's a fun part of him. And then in that case, this is fine. This is more of a constant problem or a constant thing that you're seeing.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

Well, one thing that's really important, if he lies, what makes you think he won't lie to you? Exactly.

unknown 44:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:19

It goes back to that the woman that thought, well, as long as he doesn't lie to me, and she fantasizes that he will always be truthful, laurel, and honest with her, but not with others, and she'll feel like I have have won him, you know, I have his heart. It doesn't really work like that.

SPEAKER_03 44:36

Or he cheated on his last relationship, and you're thinking to yourself, oh, well, he won't do that to me. It's not to say that guys have cheated or are not worthy of finding someone again, but if he's not really showing any kind of interest in personal change and and he's not taking accountability, and you kind of suspect he might be the shortcut king, and you're like, oh, you cheated in your last relationship. You don't seem to see see that as a problem.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Um well, and also guys who cheat on tests in school, habitual cheat on tests, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:09

Cheat yes, cheating in school. That's an that's for the younger girls that are dating. That's a big one. He's a cheater. He he's just trying to take all these shortcuts, and he lied about the rent, and he lied about getting this.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

Yeah, he told me Yeah, he or he wrote a post-dated check for the rent and it bounced.

SPEAKER_03 45:28

Yeah, things like that. Yeah, exactly. Number 14 is Mr. Wanderer. Um boy, I don't like this. This is a guy that doesn't basically believe in monogamy, or at least he I've known men that they don't believe in it. Commitment makes him a bit itchy.

SPEAKER_01 45:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:47

Just want to be tied down.

SPEAKER_01 45:49

Yeah, yeah. And yet, sometimes those guys marry.

SPEAKER_03 45:53

Right. Well, we think of your classic George Clooney and Brad Pitt that's like I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:58

Well, don't forget Leonard Leonardo DiCaprio, who's still like it.

SPEAKER_03 46:01

Still like that. Yeah.

unknown 46:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:03

Just doesn't want to be tied down, doesn't believe in marriage, I guess. Um, but what's what about women that also don't believe in marriage?

SPEAKER_01 46:11

Is it still fine? You know, it's it's on your it's on your head, but most women want something that lasts. And women are the ones who give birth to all the children. Not some women don't ever want children, but then a lot of times they'll get to where their their uh biological time clock is ticking and they think, wait a minute, maybe I do want a child. And uh and then they get kind of painted in a corner if you're with some of these guys.

SPEAKER_03 46:35

My big problem with the guy that doesn't want to get married is usually that there's a reason why he doesn't want to get married because he wants that freedom, I guess. He wants that he want he doesn't want that official paper, I guess. And I just I just wonder why. Why don't what's wrong with it if it's just a paper? What's that?

SPEAKER_01 46:55

Well, sometimes, like I I was reading about George Clooney recently, he and never met the right one. He just kept looking, and so he just kind of gave up and thought, I don't believe in marriage, but then he met somebody that was completely different and thought, yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_03 47:10

Yeah, a lot of guys might say that because they don't realize that there's someone perfect for them out there and they haven't found them. But if he's saying, I don't believe in marriage and I don't believe in monogamy.

SPEAKER_01 47:22

Yeah, that's yeah. But there's a there's a line in a in a movie that I like where this woman says, Men are like wine, they take a long time to mature. So some of those men, certainly not my husband or yours, take a long time to mature, and he may have matured in his fifties where he really felt like settling down.

SPEAKER_03 47:40

But I guess what I think of when I'm thinking of Mr. Wanderer is that you might get your heart broken because if he doesn't believe in monogamy, he might be wanting you to potentially join that lifestyle. Yeah. And it might become open. I know that happened, I think, with I think that happened with Brad Pitt. He wanted to have like an open marriage.

SPEAKER_01 48:06

I didn't know that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:07

I don't know if it's just gossip or whatever, but I mean it it does happen though. There are tons of couples out there that do, or men, I guess, that just want an open marriage. And it's a display. Why get married if it's open? Like they may think, oh, I gotta marry her because she's paid her dues and I she she deserves this from me. I owe it to her, so fine, but I don't really believe in monogamy. If he's sharing things with you about the future and it not including being loyal to each other, that's a big issue.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Yeah, it just doesn't work a lot.

SPEAKER_03 48:43

Don't require that from him, and he's he and this goes into the next one, which is Mr. Lone Wolf.

SPEAKER_02 48:50

Mr.

SPEAKER_03 48:51

Lone Wolf is kind of could also be Mr. Wanderer, it might might not. But Mr. Lone Wolf is someone that doesn't really have relationships, he doesn't have whether it's his family or friends, some people cut ties with their family for good reason because it's yeah, it's it's real dysfunctional or something. But if you're dating a guy and he has no friends, no family, no one to call, no one to count on.

SPEAKER_01 49:19

That that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 49:20

You know, and there may be exceptions to that. I want there may be a guys that are just really truly just had a bad upbringing and maybe moved place to place. It's hard to create friendships that way. Maybe that guy's a little bit of an exception, but for the most part, he should have someone that he can count on, someone to call. Well, just friends. Someone he's friends invested it in. Because if he's really all about like what's hot right now and what's all about I'm all about right now and the day today, but he has nobody that he's developed a relationship with.

SPEAKER_01 49:56

Well, Mr. Lone Wolf, you really have to get to know them really well because that's real high risk. Because why is he a lone wolf? Have people just say, I don't like being around that guy because he's whatever, and uh he's not a good friend, he's not he's disloyal. You don't know, so you have to really get to know this guy.

SPEAKER_03 50:16

Even if he just has one good friend, that's plenty, that's yeah, yeah. And how how difficult is that, right? One one decent friend, it doesn't have to be a childhood friend, but that would be great if it was, but just somebody that he has a friendship with that he has invested time in, hopefully more than one, but or even or even business friends, people who like him, co-workers who really like him. Yeah, yeah, because well, the problem with somebody that's always alone is like, well, why? Why isn't anybody want to be around you? What did you do? What are you doing? What did you do to be so alone all the time? And some people like to be alone, that's not what we're talking about. It's not about being an extrovert versus an introvert. You gotta have some people, like a circle in your life. Yeah, some family, friends, something.

SPEAKER_01 51:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:07

And then the last one is Mr. Financial Sinkhole. We've touched on this a little bit in some of the other ones, but I think this one deserves its own name because there are men out there that are wonderful men, but boy, are they terrible with money.

SPEAKER_01 51:23

Well, that's true, but the danger with this one is if he's very young, he doesn't have a history enough to say he's a sinkhole. But if he was a you know, if he got in debt and poor money habits when he's young because he was never taught, he could learn. But following him everywhere is gonna take time. If he's 25, he hasn't had a lot of chance to become Mr. Financial Sinkhole. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:51

Well, I'll never forget this time where a guy asked me out when I was in college, and he said, Do you want to go to the movies? And I was like, sure. And it turns out he takes me to the dollar theater, which back then there were dollar theater.

SPEAKER_01 52:04

I remember that, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:06

And we get there and he says, Do you have any money? Ooh. And it turns out I had a little money. I ended up paying for it. And but I just remember that feeling of like it wasn't about him making me pay. It wasn't the actual money, it was the sneaky kind of not talking to me about it and putting me on the spot that made me feel like you're not good with money, are you? You should have talked to me about this.

SPEAKER_01 52:33

What if I hadn't had any? It's a lack of integrity to ask someone to do something and then spring on them that you don't have any money to pay for it. That's real embarrassing.

SPEAKER_03 52:43

Well, and you know, that's just sending me a sign that you are not good, like you can't even afford to take me to the dollar movie. Let alone popcorn. It wasn't about the money, it was about the way he went about it. And it and I know this this person, I knew him for several years later. He had other it turns out that was just one sign. He had a lot of money problems. He had broken down car that he could never seem to fix, and he wasn't really ambitious enough. This goes back to that earlier one about being ambitious. He wasn't really interested in changing. And and I was I never went out with him again because it was just so awful.

SPEAKER_01 53:20

But well, also it's uh that involves integrity. That's not that's not a person of integrity to ask someone out and then say, Can you pay? It's just it should horrify him.

SPEAKER_03 53:32

Well, we were literally in line for the tickets, and he said, Do you have any money? And I just I thought this this is a guy that is not good with money.

unknown 53:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 53:39

And it turns out that that actually was fine for other things that were wrong with him. And that was my first signal. And what what might happen with this list of 16 things that you can check on, you might find that one leads you to another. Actually, you almost certainly will if you've got a a true rat. You will it's rare that a rat is only gonna have one of these. Yeah. They're they'll probably have multiple. But we just wanna we wanna protect the ladies out there when they're dating, because it's just so sad that you you're dating someone, you might fall in love, and you don't see some of these things because you're kind of blinded maybe by other things that you love about them.

SPEAKER_01 54:22

Sometimes we'll get these little red flags like the way he tr he treats a waitress or a waiter.

SPEAKER_02 54:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:28

Or like, oh man, like say the waitress leaves and he says, Boy, that waitress really has a big bum. He's like, That's pretty rude, that's pretty rude, you know. Just those and you think, oh, you just ignore it.

SPEAKER_03 54:40

Oh, well, it's even though you're embarrassed, you think, Oh, well, that's not very nice, but a lot of our nature to ignore it, especially if we're already kind of hooked. Yeah. If you've had a a bit of a crush on someone and it's been going on for a while, and he finally asks you out, don't be hard on yourself if you haven't seen these things, because it's it can be real, you can be blinded.

SPEAKER_01 55:02

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 55:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:04

We're just saying, we're just saying open your eyes to some more things that aren't maybe as obvious. Some of these are real obvious, like yeah, like in you know, somebody like the Mr the criminal type, the oh, the guy who talks about graphic sex. That's not hard to spot. But don't discount it like, oh, he doesn't mean it, or he just has a wild side. Yeah, he's just I hear that. He just has a wild side. Well, it's a Mr. Bad Boy. You know, bad bad boys can grow up and change, but but don't let him don't assume you can change them because we can only change ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 55:46

Well, this was fun. I'm really glad we did a podcast for this, it's primarily for the single ladies out there because it's such a great kind of bridge into your book that you're writing. Do you want to tell you?

SPEAKER_01 55:57

Yeah, so it's getting it's getting there, it's getting close. We're in the editing phase. I realized when I wrote Timeless, I only had one chapter for singles, and and then later I thought, well, what was I thinking? Because more of the world is single than married. And and and single meaning you may have been married before, but you're single now. And for whatever reason, you may have passed away or you may just be divorced. And it's not just people who've never been married, and so there's so many issues to talk about with singles. And this is a really important one because there's I can't believe how many women I've talked to who said they're attracted to bad boys. I think the bad boy image sounds confident, which women are attracted to, but it's actually really insecure.

SPEAKER_03 56:42

Yes. Uh, fascinating womanhood for the single woman is nearly done. Um so it's fair to say that this is just one of the many topics that will be in that book. And so for listening who are in this single world, definitely be on the lookout. We will announce when that book is out. That is for you. So I'm really excited about that book, and I think this is just kind of a little piece of it.

SPEAKER_01 57:08

So well, the book that the fascinating girl that my mother wrote was specifically to girls who are maybe entering college who'd never been married before. She didn't have it, it wasn't broad, it was very narrow. And so many women are either not finding the right one or have had their heart broken or whatever. And there's so many that are single.

SPEAKER_03 57:30

Yes, we don't want your heart to get broken. That's the that's part of what we're talking about today, is of course we can't always avoid it. That's it's not completely avoidable, but there are little things you can do to notice who you're dating and what his character is. And yeah, I wish so much this was taught in school, but it's not. So you need to be able to learn these things. And maybe your parents didn't teach you this type of stuff either, and you're just very it's very new to you. Those are who those are the people we're primarily talking to. All right, well, thank you for listening. If you have someone that you think this podcast would resonate with, you want to share it, please do. We're here every week. We'd love to hear what you want to hear us cover. We have our website, fascinatingwomanhood.com, where you can connect with us, where you can buy our books and connect with us on Facebook and Instagram, all the places that we are active on social media. It's on our website, as well as a book, our book library. And we will see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 58:33

See you next time. Stay feminine. Bye.