The Fascinating Womanhood Podcast - The Feminine Revolution
The Fascinating Womanhood Podcast is your guide to timeless principles for creating a joyful, loving, and fulfilling marriage. Join us each week as we explore practical strategies, inspiring stories, and empowering insights to help women embrace their feminine strengths, nurture deeper connections with their husbands, and thrive in every area of life.
The Fascinating Womanhood Podcast - The Feminine Revolution
Why Does It Feel Like I'm Doing ALL the Work? When Love Feels One-Sided
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Why does it always feel like you're the one doing the work in your relationship?
If you've ever thought, "Why do I have to be the one to change?" or "Why doesn't my husband care about the things that matter to me?"...this episode is for you.
We'll explore why two people can experience the very same relationship so differently, why your "ideal day" might look nothing like your man's, and how differing expectations, not necessarily a lack of love, can create frustration and resentment.
You'll also walk through a simple exercise that may change the way you see your relationship and help you understand why trying harder isn't always the answer.
This episode isn't about asking women to do more. It's about discovering what may actually be getting in the way of the connection you're looking for.
Hello everyone and welcome to the official Fascinating Womanhood podcast where we explore timeless principles for developing true femininity, inspiring authentic masculinity, and building strong, loving, and lasting relationships. I'm Cherry Lynn and I'm here with my mom, Dixie Analyn Forsythe. Together we'll dive into the heart of what makes relationships thrive, offering practical wisdom and heartfelt conversations to help you live a more fulfilled and fascinating life.
SPEAKER_01So today we are talking about why should women do it all? This has to do with the weight, I guess you could say, that women maybe perhaps are feeling that they have to carry to make their relationship not only happy but balanced and loving. We hear women say this all the time. Why should I be the one who has to change? Why do I feel like I carry so much of the relationship? Why doesn't it seem like I care more than he does?
SPEAKER_03In in talking about this, I think I think one of the things that needs to come out is that this is our perception. And it's not like it's completely wrong, but a lot of times when we feel like we have to do it all, we're sometimes discounting what they do or taking it for granted. And also that they feel the same way about these things as we do. Like for example, the dishes are done properly, or I know for me, when I've been gone, which isn't that often, and I come back and I'll say to Bob, is the house tidy? He says, Yeah, it looks great. I come in and by my standards it isn't. And he hasn't done this or he hasn't done that, but he says, I don't see anything. So so it might seem like I care more than he does, but he has a little bit different tolerance for standards than I do. So if I want it the way I want it, I've learned I just have to put it the way I want it.
SPEAKER_01Well, what's interesting about what you just shared is that you and I think every woman can probably pick a category that they relate to with this topic. When we're talking about why should women do it all, I think there's a couple of different categories, or maybe there's more than two, but I think of main two main categories when I think about women doing doing it all. The emotional happiness, meaning like the love and feeling loved and cared for, and then there's the weight and balance of him physically doing things for you. Yes. And I think what you just mentioned, and I'm not even surprised at all knowing dad. I what you just mentioned is kind of the more physical part of this, which because I think dad is stronger with the emotional part of this, and I've witnessed that all my life, that he is just a little bit more in tune. I mean, he's a psychologist for crying out loud. He he has a little bit more of an emotional uh sensitivity, whereas I'm the complete opposite of you, and I think that's why this can be so helpful, I think, for all the different types of women listening. My husband is very good in the physical getting things done, kind of. I guess you could say, like people always say, Oh, marriage is 50-50. You have to, or in a household, you have to do 50-50 and split everything. My husband's a little bit more in tune with keeping the house clean and helping out with things. It's still not 50-50. I mean, it's just never gonna be. Um, but I think this also ties into that topic of why should women feel like they have to do it all and they get upset and they say, well, this shouldn't be 50-50, it should be hundred-hundred. Have you heard about it? Oh, yeah, I've heard that. Yeah. So I think that you know, you've got the two sides to this, but it's still the same answer and it's still the same talking points. And that's what we want. And we already did a video about this on YouTube. Too short, and I think I'm really excited about being able to go and dig deeper into this today because it's probably the most revisited topic that we talk about.
SPEAKER_03Well, when women say this, it's often because they're tired. They're they're emotionally tired of feeling like they're w working, working, working, not necessarily like you say, physical, but trying to get things to to feel um homeostasis kind of a thing. And they're not really getting there, they're not getting him to uh, from our perspective, care as much about the relationship as we do. And men tend to, I know, I know with Bob, he he's a psych psychologist, but at the same time, he also admits that he kind of has to put on the psychologist's hat to do it. He when he is just himself, he sometimes is kind of insensitive and he admits it. And so when he is uh he I've I have to, you know, say, hey, remind him, I'm not like you that way. I'm different. I this I react differently to these different things. And you know, like he can he he has I don't know why I'm laughing, probably because I'm embarrassed. He has fallen asleep in the middle of an emotional sentence when in bed doing pillow talk, and I'm and I'm I'm even weeping, and he's fallen asleep. Yeah, not because I'm not too. Oh, he's not okay. I'm not alone. Okay, about other women, and so so you think, oh my gosh, you know, how could he go to sleep at a time like this? But for him, it's a practical thing, he's just tired. And for me, I can't sleep when there's an emotional conversation going on.
SPEAKER_01Well, I can't sleep if I feel hurt, and maybe we've gotten into some sort of disagreement, and then I can't sleep. And I think yeah, that's a good example of us saying, Well, why should I have to do it all? Well, here's the problem. And this is what dad said in the YouTube version of this of this topic. They don't really have to do it all, it's that they want these outcomes. And the guy, unfortunately, the guy, I hate to say it, but he's he's okay. He's flying over there, and he's thinking over there, well, this is a bad day. I'm just gonna roll that off and go to slow. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. And I don't really think that they mean that.
SPEAKER_03Like they're not consciously thinking that I don't, and he may not even think of it as a bad as bad a day as we do. He may think, oh well, you know, I'll be able to do it.
SPEAKER_01She's having a tough day, I'm gonna give her space.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, what am I? What have I got? See, what do I have to do tomorrow? Here's my checklist, you know, that that kind of a thing. So we we care more. I think it was Bob who said years ago, the one who cares the least wins in terms in when he was talking about it, it was in terms of a an argument. The one who cares about the relationship the least, and and it was not about marriage, it was but the the idea that the one who is satisfied, like things are fine, is gonna be able to put up with more than than say me or you who are not satisfied, was just say this isn't the way I want it.
SPEAKER_01Well, and it makes it's really hard to hear that as a woman because we really genuinely are trying to make our relationships thrive and be more loving. And we want those things. We want to feel understood, we want to feel cherished, we want things to be fair, which we I hate saying that word because it doesn't it sounds really immature, but in our heads that's kind of what we're thinking, in a way, is that things need to be fair and even though we all live in this world, we all know this world isn't fair, we still seek for it.
SPEAKER_03We still seek for it. Well, the other thing is that we, and this is one of the beauties of fascinating womanhood, what we teach is that women feel like they have to do it all, but they also have tools available to them, things that we can do that are more native to us, that we can we can do that helps to bring it towards that ultimate goal, yeah, and and do it smoothly without with less conflict.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I I I agree, and I think part of that conversation is steering towards understanding men. Now, I know there's probably a lot of women listening to this, rolling their eyes and saying, Well, you're making excuses for them to be bums, but that's it's actually the opposite. Yeah, and of course, there are guys that are bums. We're not talking about the guys that are just completely like ignoring you or you know not seeing you at all. I think there are men out there that that's not this category that we're talking about. No, no, we're not talking about it. Men who are emotionally neglecting you. That's not this topic. This topic is more of your everyday um, I need more. I love my husband, I know he loves me, but I need more in my relationship. And how do I get it? Well, we'll we're trying to teach you how to get that. And is it gonna be perfect every day? Absolutely not. No, it's you're gonna have you're gonna have hills and valleys with this, but it's gonna make it so much better.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like you know, remembering too that men most often are compared to us target-oriented, they like to get jobs done, they like to feel competent, where women are more sensitive to relationships and want relationships to be good and smooth and loving, and we like it 24-7. I know I would. And yet we're that we're very different. It's not that men don't want a good relationship, but they more often respond more uh quicker to the target thing.
SPEAKER_01Can you give an example of what you mean by the target thing when it comes to this topic?
SPEAKER_03Getting jobs done, like uh, for example, okay, yesterday we were invited up to my brother's house for dinner. So he said, Okay, first I have to do this, then I have to do that, and then once I get this done, we're gonna go up there, and then we're gonna stay till this hour, come back, and I have to dictate. Then so for him, mentally checking those uh those things off on his list, and I know your husband probably does the same thing.
SPEAKER_01What does he need to do to here's the thing, and I I hate to interrupt, and I want you to finish that part, but hearing you say that right there already tells me he's a much better communicator than my husband. My husband would think all of those things, but he would not communicate those things to me.
SPEAKER_03Well, Bob doesn't communicate all of them, but the general gist of it, and and a lot of times it's prompted because I ask him, okay, what's the plan today? When are we gonna do this? What are we gonna do? And for me, I'm more I'm I I understand it and I need that order as well. But what tops that for me is how is our relationship during the day? You know, is he is he abrupt with me? Is he are things worrying him? And I'm looking at him, is he worried about something? That's what I do. I do it all the time. If he's if he looks uh tired or worried or preoccupied, those things come to the top of my list.
SPEAKER_01You're paying attention, and therefore, because you're paying attention to his target-oriented kind of nature, that you communicate in a way that helps him to respond.
SPEAKER_03Is that what I I specifically ask him questions, and you know, we recently came back from overseas, and it was uh we're still we're I don't know, I don't know, over jet lag, it's big jet lag, but we've been waking up super early, and so he gets tired in the afternoon, and I'll say to him, Are you tired? I'll notice and he doesn't say I'm tired, I just look at him and I can tell he's tired. So I offered to drive um home because he looked tired. That's a relationship-oriented thing that I do automatically, that a lot of us do. I want to see feeling is or what tops that is have I hurt his feelings? And it doesn't happen every day, but have I said something that made him feel bad, or you know, I notice if I say, Oh, you look sharp, how he reacts to that, the positive things too. So I I'm just the relationship aspect of our marriage, I'm I it's it's number one, it's kind of top of my list all the time. It's automatic. I do it all the time.
SPEAKER_01Right, and you're not in a I think what happens, and I don't mean to say disparaging things about women in general. I because I think this can come across as like, well, women just need to deal with it, and you know, you just do all the work and the guys don't have to do it. I think women uh uh we accidentally become a little bit more selfish uh on a daily basis. And I think what you're saying is that you are aware of that and you're very, very purposely not being selfish and reminding yourself about the marriage and your part in it, versus I think what I hate to say it, I don't want to be a traitor to women, but like what we tend to do is we tend to kind of keep a scorecard, but we're really kind of keeping score on his side, and we're not really keeping score evenly and saying, Well, okay, like you just said, what did I do? What was my part in it? What can I do to help him? What am I noticing about him? Because we too easily fall into this trap of he didn't do this, he didn't say this, but I did this and I did that, I said this, and I I made all these sacrifices, and we kind of we don't really look at it with the right glasses on, if if if you will, you know, because yeah, you kind of kind of don't you don't look at this evenly like a referee would look or a well you know like a judge would be looking at it.
SPEAKER_03Are we doing it all? I mean that's a pretty absolute statement. Maybe I you know I I sometimes remind myself when I'm tempted to get into the I'm doing all the relationship stuff to what how much he does that that help that helps us, that allows me to do what I do and and so forth. Are we doing it all, really?
SPEAKER_01Right. We have to challenge that idea that we're seeing everything fairly and balanced and from both sides, right? Really? Who made us the judge of who's doing what and how much each weight is? We're we can't really fairly do that. You know, I know that there are women out there that are married to men that emotionally don't maybe fulfill as much. Now, I I've heard a lot of women talk about the love languages book, and a lot of people have found a lot of success with the love languages because it's a way to kind of communicate the things that you need in your relationship in a kind of digestible bite-sized thing. But what I I don't know about you, but what I hear, and I'd love to hear your perspective on this, is so many people discover their love languages are different, and then they don't know where to go from there because the the other person doesn't maybe know how to give or doesn't understand the other person's love language.
SPEAKER_03Frankly, kind of forgets about it from time to time.
SPEAKER_01Right exactly, because you don't really get like it doesn't really it yeah, it isn't a competency thing, it's not high on their list. Oh, yeah, you know, like yeah, well, like mine is words of affirmation. I really appreciate words, but the flip side of that that people don't understand that don't have words is that mean ones or negative ones are like swords uh in my heart. So words are kind of it for me. My husband is like the complete opposite, he doesn't really talk, he's not a verbal guy, and so to hear not about emotions, he he was very verbal at work, but not about emotions, right? He's just generally not verbal. He even in a even in a social setting, he doesn't do a lot of talking, he does a lot of observing, and so in my relationship, the silence can be very difficult for me because I'm a very verbal person. Love is about words, and so for him, his love language is more physical affection and gifts. So he means like physical gifts or gifts like physical affection and well, yeah, like gifts, like I um I took care of this for you, which I guess is kind of an act of service, or I was thinking of you and I made this for you, or I got this for you.
SPEAKER_03I got this juice that you like, or something. Yeah, physical.
SPEAKER_01I guess acts of service kind of like he kind of has that like trio of acts of service, gifts, and physical affection, which I think all of them can kind of all mix into one depending on how your day is going. And so that's all non-verbal stuff. So he tends to give me love in those ways to do something for me. Hey, I washed your car for you, or hey, I took care of that bill that we were talking about. And I I see those things as like, oh, those are tasks. You know what I mean? So, and I think a lot I've heard a lot of women kind of sharing this perspective of oh, well, we have different love languages, and he gives me love in the way that he wants. Yeah, and I'm I'm paying attention to his love language, and I'm giving him the love that he needs. So it becomes this frustration on her part because she's saying, Well, I'm doing it all. There it comes again. There's that there's that phrase again, I'm doing it all, and he's not doing anything. But really, he is doing things, he's just not fulfilling, he's not fulfilling your needs. He may not fully, fully, really get your needs. Even though you tell him though, like I've told my husband millions of times in so many different ways, like, hey, I really appreciate when you say this. I feel loved when you tell me this. I feel thank you for telling me this. I it really makes me feel loved, but he never catches on.
SPEAKER_03I that's you know, you know, Cherry, I I've be I've come to come to accept that is a mystery. I we do not understand this about men. And FW or or no, I will never fully understand that because I'm not a man. I don't really get how they put that on this invisible back burner. The fact that we're laughing means we both know what you're both we both experienced that. I know what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_01I think the point here is is don't take it as a and I can say this honestly as someone going through it, it's not a sword that he's throwing at you. No, that's the important part.
SPEAKER_03That's the key. He's not hinting that he doesn't care, it's more of a relationship low IQ. That very well put. It's not in mind, it's a lack of sensitivity. Yeah, for somebody who's sensitive seems spectacularly like how did you not get this? It's uh relationship sensitivity low IQ, and it and we're not talking about intelligence here.
SPEAKER_01Well, no, no. I mean, my husband is is brilliant in many ways and a lot smarter than me in so many ways, but when it comes to real, and I think this is the light bulb moment that a lot of women might need to hear is that you meet might need to accept that in relationship and emotionally you are years ahead of him, light years perhaps ahead of him.
SPEAKER_03In my book, I talk about you being like a ninja by comparison, yes, and we expect him to be at ninja level or at least have our black belt, and he doesn't have it.
SPEAKER_01Well, you know what? He might improve, and and I have seen some improvements over the years. We've been married 17 years, and I've seen little strides over the years, but part of this is also I don't mean to m sound bad, I don't mean to sound like he's he's not intelligent, like you said.
SPEAKER_03This isn't about No, he's very it has nothing to do with intelligence per se. It's relationship intelligence. It's not that as is different than any other kind of intelligence. And some men can have great social intelligence or etiqu when it comes to etiquette, like at work. Yes, boundaries at work, and the way they deal with in in our case, patients, amazing relations or oh my gosh, yeah, relationship skills in when it comes to business, but in a very personal way. You know, I sometimes our husbands, and I know Bob does this, thinks of if he likes something, I'm gonna like it. He thinks of us as being so close that we're kind of alike. There's a lot of times I'll say, but I'm different. I don't, I don't think that way. Oh, and it's it and I just have had to just say, okay, that's just that's just how he is.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I think the advice is I'm sure a lot of women are hearing this and going, okay, well, now what do I do? Where do I move from here? I think my advice is that first step of he's never gonna be like you, he's never gonna think like you, and then just accept that you might perhaps be this ninja, is we're calling it. You might be this ninja, and first of all, just accept that and be proud of yourself and be proud of that. Women are so great at this, and I know that it's not fair. No, but then it's not fair that he's not good at this, but be be proud that you're good at this and go from there. And if you can't get past. That hurdle, it's probably always going to be difficult because he's not going to change just because you want things to be fair.
SPEAKER_03In your mind, he may think it's not fair in his mind. But you know, at the same time, fascinating womanhood gives us so many options of things we can do. First, understanding men. Understanding men, accepting them as they are is a huge step. But even after that, if you accept, okay, he's never gonna be um the he's not gonna never gonna be that relationship sensitive person that I am, and you just accept it. Okay, then after that, there's things you can do to avoid that frustration that you always get of why do I have to do it all. Some things you just learn to accept. Like I've learned to accept that when it comes to um, say the physical things of the tidy house, I'm really tidy, he's not. But he's told me over and over he loves that I'm tidy. But he doesn't help me do it. He doesn't help, he doesn't put things away. He'll get out something from the cupboard and leave leave it out and and I put it and I've just accepted if I want it the way I want it, I fix it. I'm not my job is not to train him or to retrain him or bully him or any of those things. It will never work. It's never worked, and so if I want something a certain way, I just need to do it and accept it and not hold a grudge against him for not doing it. But at the same time, to the sensitive part that you're talking about, the sensitivity, I can accept that he's not as sensitive. And I'm I'm gonna have to remind him if he if I can see he's thinking I'm just like him and I'm not, uh, I have to say, well, you know, I I I don't instead of saying, I've told you a million times I'm not like that, just patiently say again, well, that's not that's not exactly how I am.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. I think you're a little bit more like my husband in that way. That you and I don't think he's conscious of it, but I think he likes things really tidy and he's he likes things almost to the pristine place.
SPEAKER_03I know.
SPEAKER_01I've I've ex I've known that about him, yeah. And he, you know, he's like this with his car. His car is completely I mean, he even uses this cleaning kit that was hundreds of dollars to clean the inside of his car so that it smells brand new all the time. It always smells brand new. It's like a three or four-year-old car, and it always smells brand new and it looks brand new. And I think that that's just kind of silly.
SPEAKER_03Well, I I I'm kind of amused, but I'm kind of amused by it because I I don't live with it or anything, but I like how he has these little lights in his garage, these laser lights that show exactly where he should park it. Right. He doesn't have to worry. Every time he pulls in the garage, he parks it exactly right because these little lights tell him where to go.
SPEAKER_01I wouldn't even think of such well and and here's the thing that you're you're missing in there, just a little tiny detail is that I have to park in those lights with my Oh he has them on your side, too. Yeah, so I have to park because he wants me to, it's his way of controlling me where I park. Well, maybe he thinks you're just like him. No, he knows I'm not like that. He's trying to help my life be like easier. Well, he says it's easier. He says, Well, this is easier, but see, I don't see it that way. But here's where I challenge that. I I look for the humor in it, I laugh at it, and I think not in a make fun way, but like uh kind of cute that he thinks that's making my life easier, it really just gives me more rules, which I see, and I guess maybe I can kind of relate, I guess, to a lot of men in that way, because I I see that as another rule that I have to follow.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I see, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, my uh to tell you the truth, par I was driving Bob's car. I don't like driving it because it's kind of a gerbil cage. He keeps all of his papers in the city.
SPEAKER_01My car, my car's I'm a little bit mulling.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but you have your kids to blame for yours. Anyway, he he keeps all of his it's his office and he keeps stuff in there. Anyway, I was driving it and I had to park it in his slot, and I'm not used to parking it in the garage there, and I didn't do it very well. And I remember I've thought several times I should get those lights so that I because I didn't pull it up quite far enough for the garage door to shut, and otherwise, if it's not far enough, you can't close the garage door. If it's too far up, it's too close to the door.
SPEAKER_01Well, because for you it's helpful, like he said, it's easier. Whereas I don't struggle with that, I just park wherever, and I don't care if it's not slightly off. It doesn't bother me. So and I think that's a really good analogy to what we're talking about is what is it that you're seeing in your day-to-day? What does he see versus what you see? He may see the day as a wonderful day because it was peaceful, quiet, there was not not a lot of noise, there was not a lot of arguing, and he was like, Wow, today was a great day today, but you may see it as this day was horrible because I didn't get complimented, or I didn't get love from him, or he forgot about me, or he didn't see me, or he didn't hear me, or I asked him to be there for me, and he kind of zoned out. And this is what we're talking about, it's because of what you see and and expect, and expect. And this is something that we wanted to do in this podcast, and we actually put this on our Facebook group a few days ago. We asked our private Facebook group of ladies what was an ideal day that you had in your relationship that stands out, describe that day and how it works. Now, I don't know what yours is, but mine I can share was a recent family dinner that we went to. And I say the whole day because it was his birthday, and so it sticks out to me. And we had a wonderful day in our relationship because, in my perspective, the things that I did for him, the effort I put into planning his birthday, going to dinner, the gifts I gave him, he responded in a way that I felt like I was appreciated, I was noticed. Again, there comes those words. I got words from him saying thank you. I got I even got a compliment, which is ne rarely happening of how I looked that night. And there the dinner itself was peaceful, the the conversation was good. He looked happy. And when I look at that memory and I kind of step outside of it and I just analyze it, I realize, oh, these are all things that I wanted. I wanted these things from him, I wanted this love from him, and I got it.
SPEAKER_03So okay, so what and do you think that if I mean you don't do this most of the time in your relationship, do you think if he was questioned about would he agree that was a great day for him?
SPEAKER_01Well, I would love to ask him, and I this is what we wanted to pose to the podcast audience is to think about a great ideal day in your relationship. It could even be years ago, it could it doesn't have to be recent, it could be your wedding day, it could be so many different things, but the point is to think of that day and then write it all out. And what do you notice about that day? And basically take a look at your expectations and how many check marks kind of came from that day, and then turn it around and think to yourself, well, what would he describe as an ideal day in your relationship? What would what do you think you could even go as far as to ask him if you wanted to, but I mean, I'll be honest with you. If I I tried to think about asking my husband this and I thought, oh, he's just gonna say, I need some time to think about it, he's not even gonna know.
SPEAKER_03Which is also very common because men generally, not all men, are not as in touch with their emotions quickly like we are. They can get in touch with them, but a lot of times they have to think about it. They don't there a lot of women, a majority of us probably say, How do you feel about X, Y, or Z? And well, no, we don't say I have to think about it. Unless it's some some complex subjects or something, but how how do you if it's something you've never thought of before? I for me, an idea I think I've had a lot of ideal days as as you probably have, but for me, when I think of ideal days that we have, it's when we get to spend more time together. And especially we we're really big on pillow talk at night. Well we uh when we have time when he's not too tired and he comes to bed and we laugh about things, just stupid stuff, nothing just silly things that that we both get the humor of.
SPEAKER_01And I well what I've noticed about all of the responses that we got on this and what you just said, and including what I just said, but a little bit different, is most of these memories that these women shared of their favorite days or their ideal days have to do with them feeling like they were noticed, yeah, they were seen, that day was quality, like their relationship was quality. Not and they're all varying different things. One person posted about their wedding, another person posted about a time when they were having health problems and they were in the hospital, another person posted about just a simple day where they were walking around and a walk. Another person posted about getting into a bit of a disagreement, but then everything ended up being great. And all of these things were result in these women feeling noticed and heard, and you feel like you're together, you know.
SPEAKER_03And maybe what I'm thinking about now is uh when we were all of us dating our husband. We when we're dating, we tended to spend every spare minute together. Isn't that true for you?
SPEAKER_01When we get together, you're not spending it physically together, you're thinking of the other person constantly.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you're thinking of them, you're looking for time to spend together, and when you are together, you're you know, we spent so much time just talking about stuff and getting to know each other. Uh quality, quality time, quality, quality time, quality time, and we can still have that even if we've been married years and years. Quality time. Um, how do you feel about this? And just sharing ideas and goals, and uh it when you feel like you're noticed and present when you're having a conversation where you're connecting.
SPEAKER_01Right. And I think for those of you like me that are married to someone that's not verbal and you're not getting that quality conversation and you want it desperately, but you can't seem to get it. I really encourage you to start looking for those nonverbal cues because he's giving them to you. You maybe just aren't seeing them. And I think that is something that I'm still trying to learn. It's taken me several years to learn this nonverbal language that men tend to kind of give. And I think even dad probably gives this to you. You probably you probably have more of a verbal guy, but he's probably still doing things non-verbally that you can pick up on that are that can bring you closer.
SPEAKER_03Yes, when I when I uh kind of study him and watch him, I can see where he's feeling pressure about something. And I know him so well, I kind of know what the pressure is, and I want when I do that, it makes me feel like I want to help relieve it in some way and do do whatever I can to relieve it, either by making something easy for him, or I've learned that if he he uh okay, we come back from Australia, and almost every day we were in Australia, we did some kind of shopping because uh my daughter and her husband like to shop and and so does Bob. So we did that. So we come home, and about two days later, he wants to go shopping for our date because he loves it. It it's it's a stress relief, and he's different than a lot of men. He shops for stress relief, and so even though we absolutely did not need to do it, and of course you can go shopping and not buy anything. Um, I did it because I knew that's a stress reliever for him.
SPEAKER_01Right, whereas you could have easily, and I I immediately jumped in my head to so many friends that I have that would have probably panicked or been stressed or said, like, we just spent so much money on our trip. Why are we going shopping again? You could have very easily jumped to that place, but this is where the understanding men part comes in. You understood that about him, and you kind of in a sense challenged your your um stress in that moment, or I don't know if you had stress about it, but I had to I had what I had exhaustion because exhaustion, okay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I thought I don't want to go okay, but I I also knew that we didn't we didn't have to buy anything, he just wanted the the act of wandering around looking at stuff, you know, and it could have been groceries, you gave him that gift of what he needed, and then he responded.
SPEAKER_01I think that's what we're saying when we say this can take a lot of time, yeah. Because if you're in the habit of really primarily focusing on the things that you are struggling with, that you are frustrated with, but you're not you're not shifting in it almost like a daily more than daily, it's it's multiple times per day. Shifting and thinking about him, even if you're not physically with him every all day, every day. But thinking about him more often, you're gonna, it's not gonna be balanced the way that you're looking at things.
SPEAKER_03No, and seeking to understand him is uh women are good at this if we focus on once we learn how to do it. Women are good at this because we are relationship-oriented, we do want to help, and we do want that close loving relationship. We women don't have to do it all, but but the reason we end up doing a lot is because we want that kind of a relationship, we want the outcome in the outcome for that outcome necessarily, their outcome of a happy marriage on a day-to-day basis may be completely different than yours, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and so for you to say, Well, I told him, I hear this all the time, I told him I need things to change, things need to change. I'm not happy. That's too vague. That is like saying to a man, like, I want you to go on a treasure hunt, but I'm not gonna give you a map. Yeah, it it's like where where is he supposed to start? Where's he supposed to go? He doesn't know, and and yes, maybe like we said before, maybe he should know, but he he is not that IQ of the relationship is just maybe not his best.
SPEAKER_03Well, and men do better if because they need to feel confident. We've talked about this before. It they do much better if we say if you don't say things need to change, they're like, where do I go? What do I need to do? If if they're given a a task that is reasonable, not like I want you to never throw your socks on the floor, but it may be unreasonable to expect him to change in the way you want today, permanently.
SPEAKER_01Well, and you can't ask him to change. I need things to change, and I need you to change your personality. Like, you can't really that's not gonna work. Like, say, like, hey, I need you to constantly from now on, I need a compliment from you every day. Like, that's just it's not gonna work.
SPEAKER_03It's too much, it's too parental. No, but not very few people want to marry a parent. You know, they want to marry the love of their life, and and they do better if they feel like competent in the relationship, too. Like, like you're so good at this, and you're so good at that. Thank you for doing this, then they can feel competent, and it makes them feel closer to you.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I I think for the women that are doing this, and they're saying, Well, I do do these things, and I do tell him what I need from him, and I do give him small tasks, and I do try to share what I specifically need from him, and I'm still not getting it. It's that mindset. First of all, don't give up on it.
SPEAKER_03Second of all, it's that mindset of things being fair that you have to draw, you know, and also, yeah, and also the mindset of I'm doing this to get him to do that. That's called exactly, and that's it doesn't work. It doesn't work.
SPEAKER_01Yes, if you're saying, like, well, I'm gonna give him all of his love language and yay on me, look at my scoreboard. I'm doing so good over here, and he's not doing it, and I'm asking him to do it, he's still not doing it. That's the problem, right there is that attitude that you have with the keeping score is oozing from you, from your energy, and you probably aren't even aware of it. And he's if you're doing that, he's going to feel it. He's going, he may, he may not realize that he's feeling it, he may not recognize, oh, she's keeping score, but he's going to feel it, and it's going to be dripping from you, and you just have to let go of it.
SPEAKER_03Well, it tends to, it tends to make him not trust you as much emotionally.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you can say, Well, I've never let on, I've never said anything that would that I'm, you know, I've never shared with him that I think that you know he's not making me feel loved and cherished. I've always been really careful. Well, he's gonna feel it if you feel that way inside.
SPEAKER_03Men react, they don't, they're not always conscious of it, they feel it and react to it rather than they put words on it. Exactly. They don't usually, and then they they maybe withdraw a little bit from you, just kind of go into their own head. It just depends on the man.
SPEAKER_01Or he may recognize it, he may recognize it, and then it suddenly snaps out of him one day in some other way, and you're like, What was that?
SPEAKER_03And says, and he says, Don't to you, I never do anything right. Yeah, I never do anything right for you. And she's thinking, Oh dear, I went too far, you know.
SPEAKER_01So So I I do have to say that this topic for me personally, I visit our own YouTube channel and I re-watch this video with you and dad talking about this over and over again. Sometimes I watch it every like three or four months because this is something that I struggle with that often. And I think with that said, it's okay to feel like this is something you have to constantly revisit because it can be really hard when you feel like, especially if your husband's going through a tough time, maybe he's going through a job loss or job change, or you guys are going through a difficult time in your life, maybe with finances, maybe with family things, or health issues, health issues, yeah, and you feel like you're drifting into this category of I feel like I'm doing it all again, or I feel like he's not responding. I feel like our relationship is in trouble, and I'm the only one working on it. It's okay to feel that way and to come back to this topic.
SPEAKER_03And readjust maybe the way you work on it. You may be working on it in a way that isn't really doesn't really work. It actually can make things a little more difficult sometimes. But we but the thing that's wonderful is that when when women say I have to do it all, that tells me that they are working on it, they really want this kind of a relationship. And they have been trying, they have been trying to do this, and the feel the reason they feel they're doing it all is because they're working hard, but they're not getting the results they're hoping for. Not realizing that maybe one of the first things they need to do is accept him for who he is and look more at him and in terms of what is he doing and trying to do. It it does he mean the things we've maybe assumed about him. It would like he doesn't even care. Is that true? Because it's probably not true.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I I personally think that the more you work on understanding not only yourself but him, the easier this will this will become more second nature to you if you can work on this understanding part. And it doesn't mean he gets to get away with being a bum, and it doesn't mean that he gets to get away with being rude to you. That's not at all what we mean, but it's it's more about looking more carefully at your day-to-day because those little tiny things in your day-to-day can we all know this, they just add up to a big problem.
SPEAKER_03They can't they can't, especially if we're feeling in our own lives anxious, maybe a little more needing of that support, of that closeness, and he has no idea that we our bucket is kind of empty and and we need more because of things we're going through. You just always know what you're going through on a day-to-day basis, in your head, in your heart.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and just trying so hard to pay attention to, like you said, I loved what you said about when we were dating, this is how my mindset was, and I thought about it more and I looked for the good. Looking for the good in him and the thing appreciating the things that he is doing. And what would it be like if he were gone? And what kind of things would you miss about him that you maybe are just taking for granted?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I there was a day I remember um a while back that I was feeling like maybe I was just kind of messing up a lot with him. And then this one particular evening he said, I would be completely lost without you. And I thought I wasn't messing up. I just thought that way because of what's going on in my own head. Not because of what was actually happening. Happening.
SPEAKER_01Man, I that is just so amazing that he'd say that to you. I don't think my husband would ever say something like that to me. But see, they're all so different, and every I think this is what I love about being able to have this conversation with you is like you just have such different things that you're challenged with. I have different things, and it makes me remember all the ladies listening.
SPEAKER_03They all have such different Well, I remember one other little thing. We've been married a long time, and he wasn't always this way. Some things mellow with time. And and you've been you know you've been married 17 years, I've been married 56. So and there's there's there's it doesn't stay the same. You grow and you you know you mellow in a lot of ways. Then he when he was you guys' age, he may not have said I'd be lost without you.
SPEAKER_01May have taken more for granted. But he also like date on a regular basis says that you look nice, and he tells you why. He does do that because my husband doesn't do that. He tells you that meals are amazing, he doesn't do that, like none of that. And I hear it when I'm around you, I hear it so vividly, and I remember it like a like it's like a log in my head that I'm he brags to other people about how good my meals are. Yeah, he's just really verbal, but you said he's not tidy, he's not clean, he's not one to be like, Oh, let me jump in and do a load of laundry, you're behind. My husband is, he's more my husband.
SPEAKER_03Well, uh oh not long ago, I was so tired, and we'd have family over for Sunday dinner, and uh he said, Oh, I'll help you with the dishes. And I said, Oh, that would be nice, and then he went off and forgot about it and did something else. And I just thought, oh well. And then I was halfway through and he said, Oh, I forgot I was gonna help you, and then he dug in. So, what are you gonna be mad? You know, he offered, he offered and then he got distracted, and then he came back to it.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I think you'll you see the the good side in him, and therefore you can laugh a little bit.
SPEAKER_03I see that I see his heart. I see his heart.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you see his heart. You it's really difficult to kind of find the humor in some of this stuff because let's just be honest, sometimes it's it's it's downright hilarious, some of the things that they do, from my perspective.
SPEAKER_03Usually, as we look back on it, it's hard to see that.
SPEAKER_01But it's hard to see that if you're not looking for the good in them, it's straight to resentment. And if you feel like you're constantly resenting him, there's something that needs to maybe be adjusted slightly in how you're viewing this person that you chose to marry. I mean, why the why'd you choose to marry him if he's that terrible?
SPEAKER_03You know what I remind myself of is um, and I love my parents, I love my my father a lot, but he was like your husband, he's very tidy. If you looked in his closet, his shoes would be lined up just right. But if I ever wish that Bob was like that, I also think that my dad was really stressed out, and my husband, Bob, is not. He take he's very even killed, takes life, he's almost never in a bad mood. He's not moody, and so what I take as a compensation for his untidiness is that he's very easy to be around. Yeah, and and and you can't have it all, so you can't have it all exactly, yeah. So you I want my I want my father's tidiness and my husband's personality. You're probably not gonna get that. So exactly.
SPEAKER_01You can have this perfect per perfect man just like you're not perfect, and you don't give him everything he needs, and he obviously is probably wishing for more things from you. Maybe he's not as conscious of it as you are conscious of it of him, but we're not perfect, and think about the package that you married and that you said yes to, and you kind of have to just accept that.
SPEAKER_03And focus on the things that you fell in love with them because they're still they're still there, and chances are if you're married to a basically good guy, he may think better of you than you do of him. Just at least consider that.
SPEAKER_01That's true. It just because he isn't always showing it in the way that you want him to doesn't mean he doesn't show it. Maybe he shows it in a different way. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm sure we could talk about this for so long, and I wish so badly that we could have had dad on here, but it's really hard to get him. But this topic is full of many topics that are, I feel like, explained very nicely in your book, Fascinating Woman The Timeless Woman. If you haven't read our books, we have so many books. Visit fascinatingwomanhood.com and you can find our entire library on there, and we're also on Amazon. We also have, as we've mentioned, lots of social media. We have Facebook, YouTube, Instagram. If you want to find us on all of those different platforms, you can learn so much more about fascinating womanhood. On Instagram, we demonstrate it in more small bite-sized kind of real pieces. Uh, on YouTube, we have longer videos where you can see some of these topics and we are talking about them there. And then on Facebook, of course, we provide that more private group where you can ask questions. Exactly. If you're not a member of our YouTube channel, you can join and ask Dixie questions live every Thursday, which today is Thursday, and you're getting ready to hop on there in a minute to answer questions. And we have members that will get on and talk with Dixie live every Thursday and ask her questions. It's a wonderful community. It's only about $5 a month. If you wanted to join that, go to our YouTube channel and you can learn more. And we are here every week, so please send us some mail and ask us what questions you have and what topics you'd like us to cover.
SPEAKER_03Yep, we'll do our best to answer all your questions.
SPEAKER_01Thanks so much, mom, for this wonderful conversation. And we will see you all next time. Stay feminine. Bye.