Ep. 709 | Care, Courage & the Work of Aging Well

This week on The Senior Zone, host Shawn Perry brings listeners two meaningful conversations centered on advocacy, caregiving, dignity, and what it means to age with purpose.

In Segment One, Shawn welcomes Bob Blancato, one of the nation’s most respected voices in aging advocacy, for a timely conversation about elder justice, nutrition, caregiving, Medicare outreach, and the importance of keeping older adults visible in public policy conversations.

In Segment Two, Shawn is joined by Roy Remer, Executive Director of Zen Caregiving Project and author of Zen Caregiving: How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others. Together, they explore the emotional realities of caregiving, caregiver burnout, compassion, mindfulness, and the importance of caring for yourself while caring for someone else.

This episode also features The Senior Zone’s Weekly Vitamin, Birthdays of the Week, Dear Grave Woman by Joelle Simone, and the Later Life Lowdown with senior-focused news, resources, and community announcements for DC, Maryland, and Northern Virginia.

Whether you are an older adult, caregiver, advocate, family member, or someone preparing for the next chapter, this episode offers wisdom, encouragement, and practical insight for the journey ahead.

Segment Highlights:
Bob Blancato on aging advocacy, elder justice, nutrition, Medicare outreach, and why older adults must remain central in national conversations.

Roy Remer on caregiving, compassion, burnout, mindfulness, and how caregivers can care for themselves while caring for others.

Signature Features:

•  Weekly Vitamin
•  Birthdays of the Week
•  Dear Grave Woman by Joelle Simone
•  Later Life Lowdown
•  Senior-focused resources for DC, Maryland, and Northern Virginia

Listen and Share:
The Senior Zone airs Mondays from 10:00am to 11:00am on WYCB 1340AM and streams live at MySpiritDC.com. After the broadcast, listen on demand wherever you get your podcasts — Spotify, Apple, iHeart, Amazon Music and more.

Thank you for listening and until we meet again…keep your head high, your heart full, and always — be someone who makes someone else look forward to their tomorrow.
 

Transcript

Opening Remarks and Weekly Vitamin

SPEAKER_08 0:01

Welcome to the Single Zone.

SPEAKER_10 0:03

Well, we connect older adults with the organizations and resources that start that.

SPEAKER_08 0:08

The Senior Zone's goal.

SPEAKER_10 0:19

Great guests.

SPEAKER_08 0:23

So get ready to take notes.

SPEAKER_10 0:27

It's now time for the Senior Zone.

SPEAKER_06 0:31

Good morning, family, and welcome to the Senior Zone, the DMV's number one weekly radio program serving our 50 plus community. All thanks to you. I am your host, Sean Perry, and I am grateful to be back with you for another Monday morning of conversation, connection, and community. Here we are in June, nearly halfway through the year, and today we're pausing to talk about two things that touch almost every family: advocacy and caregiving. Advocacy reminds us that older adults deserve dignity, protection, and a voice in the decisions that shape their lives. And caregiving reminds us that compassion often shows up quietly in homes, hospital rooms, care communities, and around kitchen tables. So here we are with this week's Vitamin. Don't let the weight of yesterday make you forget the gift of today. You are not too old to begin again, not too late to learn something new, and not finish simply because life has changed. So this week, walk a little lighter, breathe a little deeper, and remind yourself, I am still here, I am still growing, and I am still becoming. And that spirit leads us into our first conversation. Bob Blancado has spent decades helping shape how this country thinks about aging through elder justice, nutrition, caregiving, Medicare outreach, and national aging policy. His work reminds us that seniors are not statistics. They are people with stories, needs, dignity, and voices that deserve to be heard. And then in segment two, we move from aging advocacy into deeply personal work of caregiving. My guest will be Roy Remer, Executive Director of Zen Caregiving Project and author of Zen Caregiving: How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others. We'll talk about caregiving, compassion, emotional weight, and why caring for yourself is not selfish, it is necessary. Later in the show, we'll celebrate birthdays of the week, hear from Dear Grave Woman by Joelle Simone, and bring you your later life lowdown. But before we take this quick break, I want to thank our sponsors and partners, Legal Counsel for the Elderly, AARP of the District of Columbia, AARP of the State of Maryland, Compassion and Choices, Jewish Council for the Aging, Mary Center, and the DC Department of Aging and Community Living. Folks, we'll be right back after this short break, brought to you by Legal Counsel for the Elderly, providing free legal and social work services to DC residents most in need.

SPEAKER_04 3:26

We'll be right back. Legal Counsel for the Elderly champions the dignity and rights of D.C. elders by providing free legal and social work services to those in need. Worried about eviction or foreclosure? Need help obtaining social security or veterans benefits? Call Legal Counsel for the Elderly at 202-434-2120. Income eligibility applies. LCE is an affiliate of AARP 202-434-2120.

SPEAKER_07 3:58

Attention, listeners, criminals are consistently developing new ways to steal your hard-earned money and personal information. But the AARP Fraud Watch Network is here to help you protect yourself and your loved ones. See or report scams in your area with our scam tracking map. Get guidance from our trained fraud specialists and sign up to receive information on the latest scams. Knowledge is power. If you can spot a scam, you can stop a scam. Get more tips and resources at aarp.org slash fraudwatch network.

SPEAKER_06 4:31

Welcome

Segment One: Bob Blancato on Aging Advocacy and Elder Justice

SPEAKER_06 4:32

back to the Senior Zone. I am your host, Sean Perry. Now listen, every now and then you get the opportunity to talk with someone whose life's work has genuinely helped shape how this country thinks about aging. And that's exactly who we've got with us today. Bob Blancado has spent decades fighting for older adults, whether it's protecting nutrition programs, advancing elder justice, supporting caregivers, improving Medicare outreach, or helping make sure seniors are not left behind in the national conversation. His fingerprints are all over some of the most important aging advocacy work in America. And what I appreciate about Bob is this he's never approached older adults as statistics, he's approached them as people deserving dignity, protection, care, and respect. So it is truly an honor to welcome back Bob Blancato to the senior zone. Bob, welcome, my friend.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Sean, thank you for the invitation to come back. Uh it's been a little while. I'm glad that we're back together. Um, congratulations on your continuing this important program. And the issues that you raise are very important, and you educate people by virtue of your program. So I'm happy to be here today.

SPEAKER_06 5:44

Well, thank you for the kind uh words, uh, my friend. You know, Bob, last time you joined us here was in 2017, nine years ago, uh, almost to the date. And honestly, the world of aging has changed dramatically since then. Or so I think. When you look back at the landscape, or when you look at the landscape today in 2026, what concerns you most about the future of aging in America and what actually gives you hope?

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Well, you know, I and I find that a great question because you talk about nine years and you talk about the growth of the older adult population in that time period. It's been significant. And from you talked about my history and so on, you know, my concern continues to be we're not prepared. We do not have a national plan on aging in America, okay? Which we should have had a number of years ago. It wasn't like we didn't see this coming. When Franklin Roosevelt signed Social Security into law in 1935, the ratio of people contributing to Social Security versus getting benefits was five to one in favor of people contributing. Now we're down to less than three to one, and it's going to be two to one fairly soon. So these numbers were not surprising to people. So you would have thought, you know, we would put together something comprehensive that resembles an aging policy. We have great programs. We have social security, we have Medicare, we have Medicaid. But we're missing that unifying piece that puts all these little pieces together. And my my best example continues to be, and I would have said this nine years ago, our failure to have a national long-term care policy is crazy. When that is America, that is America's denial issue. Why it is, I have no idea. But we just don't want to go into that space. We don't want to address it. And we're making some moves in that direction now. But I think what we have to be thinking about is, you know, how to put the pieces together and to make it something comprehensive that we can all look at. But um, and I also say that you know, we're we're talking about demographics. The you're gonna reach by 2030, you will have achieved a doubling of the minority aging population from the year 2000. Okay? And what are we still addressing in this country? Healthcare disparities, access questions, things of that nature. You know, we should use demographics as a trigger to change policy and improve policy. And, you know, maybe we'll continue to hammer the you know, hammer the drum a little bit, but um we need to get there.

SPEAKER_06 8:09

Well said and important work. Uh Bob, one thing we continue hearing from seniors all across the country is concern around affordability. That's a word that we hear a lot in the media uh these days food, housing, subscriptions, uh utilities, just everyday living. From your perspective, uh, my friend, how financially vulnerable are older adults right now, and where do you believe the biggest gaps exist in supporting them?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

Well, I look at the statistics around poverty rate in this country, and older adults have abnormally high rate of poverty and it's increasing. Six to eight million people aged sixty-five and over were living in poverty in the year 2022, you know, and you had uh one in ten older adults, uh, incomes below the official poverty threshold. And you also have the near-poor people. This is an area of focus that we should really should spend more time on. If you live at the poverty level, that's that's that's vulnerable. But if you're only just above the poverty level, you're also struggling. Okay, and you know, where you're gonna struggle the most is where the impact of today's economy is. If you're talking about, and you know, we just did a survey interesting enough for one of my associations about we run a program, an organization, National Association of Nutrition and Aging Service Programs. And we said since the war in Iran began, what impact have you been feeling in your programs providing meals to older adults? And eighty-two percent of the respondents in 19 states pointed to increase of 20 to 30 percent in food costs, rising gas prices that you well know for for everybody living around here, um, and also the cost of energy to run a nutrition program, you know, to open the door every day, turn the lights on every day. So, you know, older adults are particularly vulnerable because if they're on the fixed income, okay, now you look at the you know, people say, Oh, they got a cost of living increase every year in Social Security, which is true. But it doesn't even keep up with your Medicare Part B increases that happen every year. So, yeah, there are too many older adults that are living, you know, at or below poverty. And affordability is a genuine issue right now, and I think it's an issue that cut affects all generations. But when we start talking about older adults, you know, we're not past the era where people have to choose between, you know, their health their b their medication and food. You know, we we should be past that point. And I'm sorry to say that we're not, and I'm sorry to say that we're regressing in some degree.

SPEAKER_06 10:41

Yeah, I think, Bob, your heart and my heart are aligned with respect to the people that we really, really uh care about. And for many folks listening right now, what you've just said, it isn't theory, right? It's everyday life, it's real challenges in front of them every day. You've long been a national voice around uh nutrition as well as aging services. Uh, what are you seeing right now when it comes to senior hunger, uh malnutrition, as well as food insecurity, especially among older adults who may be isolated or living alone?

SPEAKER_01 11:14

Yeah, and you you hit the nail on the head when you talk about that last piece. You know, the the pandemic, you know, contributed greatly to many things, but one of them was to increase the amount of isolation and loneliness among older adults. And all the things you talk about, food insecurity, malnutrition, hunger, are an outgrowth of being isolated and being lonely because you're not necessarily getting access to the right um food um and getting information to available what to do. And I think that what you're what you're seeing is that malnutrition in particular is starting to grow in this country. A study came out that the Washington Post ran earlier this year. The fastest rate of malnutrition is among people 85 and above, who, as you well know, are oftentimes most vulnerable people who are living alone. And so we have got to make a conscious effort as a nation to go after the root causes of isolation and loneliness, which include access to benefits, access to services. And I think we're making some progress in that space now because there are more resources going into nutrition. And I'm particularly interested in seeing you know, this administration has many things going on that people like or don't like, as we know. But one that is particularly interesting is this Make America Healthy Again interest because it is bringing together what many of us have thought for a long time. There is a relationship between nutrition and health. We can't get away from that, okay? Good nutrition prevents chronic disease. Older adults have more chronic disease than other groups in this country. If we improve the quality of food and improve the availability of food to people, we will have healthier generations going into the future. So I commend the administration for starting that conversation, okay? But we also have to be cognizant of the fact that I'll give you one perfect example that I spend a lot of time working on, Sean. Malnutrition. Okay? If you go to a hospital and you are diagnosed with malnutrition, you're in that hospital, you're gonna get cared for. You're gonna be provided whatever is necessary to avoid, you know, um getting it worse. But when you are discharged, okay, unless you have access to a community-based nutrition program that can continue to give you access to food, you'll be readmitted to the hospital in no time. So we're trying to build that bridge between hospitals and meals on wheels programs and senior center programs that don't exist right now. We want to build that relationship so those people are not caught in that cycle of being admitted to a hospital, out, and then put back in again. Because that cost the hospital money and it cost the country money. So we're paying more attention to these issues. We should, but the only reason they're getting more attention is because they're finally being connected to better health, which is really what we're aiming for in this country.

SPEAKER_06 14:05

Yeah, well, thank you for the comments. I've learned, Bob, just from where I sit, that sometimes hunger among seniors is oftentimes hidden in plain sight. That's just what I've seen, you know, from my lens here on the senior zone. I want to switch gears a bit. You know, we've also seen growing conversations around loneliness as well as social isolation among older adults. How serious is the loneliness epidemic among seniors today, Bob? And how does it impact overall health and quality of life?

SPEAKER_01 14:34

It is a growing, growing, growing problem. Um, you know, for people who get home-delivered meals, for example, there was a study that was done by the Administration for Community Living that said even though they get a home-delivered meal, 50% of them feel they lack companionship, 40% say they feel isolated from others. Sometimes the only time they ever see an individual is when that meal is dropped at the front door. Okay? And what what was good in the pandemic and is continuing today, is the important work that people in technology are doing to connect older adults with each other. For example, you know, a virtual lunch. You know, there are wonderful programs going on in this country, uh funded through technology companies with the older Americans Act that have these older adults get together for a virtual lunch, you know, a couple days a week. It's at least some degree of interaction, okay? But what we have to do is recognize those programs that we have that promote togetherness, that promote socialization, they need to be strengthened. The Older Americans Act Nutrition Program is a perfect example, okay? Um, I've been reading about you know uh initiatives that people are taking at at the through the village, uh village to village networks. So, you know, we need to know how to address this issue, but we don't have to go really far and wide to learn. There are programs that are out there, we just need to give them greater resources to reach more people.

SPEAKER_06 15:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

But we've got to address this issue.

SPEAKER_06 16:01

Yeah, I think uh, Bob, on that note, that many families, including myself, underestimate just how dangerous isolation uh can become. And it it's with intention uh that I make sure that I at least pick up the phone call uh and connect with my mother who lives alone uh in the Philadelphia uh area uh there. And I encourage others to reach out to their loved ones as well today. You spent years leading efforts around elder justice as well as protecting vulnerable older adults. What forms uh of elder abuse, Bob, or exploitation are increasing faster right now or fastest right now, and what warning signs should families be paying uh attention to?

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Thank you for that question. Uh uh I I'll I'll do it in reverse order. I mean, since we just talked about isolation and loneliness, one of the fastest growing forms of elder abuse today is self-neglect, okay, which is measured by adult protective services around the country. Now, self-neglect is the is the worst set of scenarios because chances are a person, a victim of self-neglect, may have been cared for by someone before who then neglected them and then left them on their own. Okay, and this is a very challenging issue that we have to combine our focus on isolation and loneliness with self-neglect to help those particular people. But where the larger group of people are impacted is in financial elder abuse. Okay? Older adults in 2024 lost $4.8 billion with a B fraud, scams, and financial exploitation, a four-fold increase since 2020. The Federal Trade Commission said here are the five things, the five most prevalent forms investment scams. Okay. The second one, and Sean, I'm gonna repeat this over and over again. I'm sure you've done this in your program. The government never calls you, okay? Yet government and business imposter scams are number two. Okay? I mean, I had a I had a business partner who just passed away last year at the age of 100, and he would not have photo ID on his phone. And I say to him, You're crazy, because you take all those calls and you complain about those robocalls. If you had the damn thing on there, you wouldn't know you don't recognize that number, don't answer it, right? The third kind is romance scams, which are is particularly insidious. And I'll tell you who gets victimized the most is older veterans. Okay? Um, you know, the old stories somebody comes to you, befriends you, next thing you know they're in your house, next thing you know they got your bank account, next thing you know they leave you you know abandoned. Tech support scams. Okay? I'm gonna come fix your computer. I gotta help you fix your TV, whatever it may be, okay? Just beware of anybody offering those things. And then of course, the one that never goes away. The prizes, the sweepstakes, the lottery scams, okay? You know, older adults are too trusting sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 18:54

Okay?

SPEAKER_01 18:54

They really are. They're too trusting. Because let's be real about this. You get a call from someone, let's say you've been on all day long, and the phone rings at four o'clock. It's your first human contact of the day. And it's a scammer. The minute you get past hello, you're in trouble. Right? And so, you know, the advice we have to give to our families and to our older adults is you know, don't answer that phone, okay, unless you know who it is. And you know, you know, older adults, my my parents told me if something if this looks so good, it can't be real. Yeah and chances are it isn't real, you know.

SPEAKER_06 19:33

Yeah, Bob, I would I would venture to say one third of our conversation this year has been around fraud and scams and exploitation of older uh adults is so important. And like you said, for my mother, I always tell my mother in these conversations, you know, I programmed her phone with numbers and faces, right? And if anything else comes up other than that, don't pick up, right? And I used to say be kind and then hang up. Now I don't see use the word be kind anymore to these predators. I got more choice words uh than that, but you you hit it right on the head. Uh don't pick up the phone, uh, folks. Uh Bob, time is running out, my friend. Uh artificial intelligence, right? AI, we hear that all the time. Technology, online banking, telehealth, the world is moving uber super fast. Do you worry that many of our older adults are being left behind in this digital age? And what must happen to close that gap?

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Well, I think we're making we're making progress in that space. There are a lot of states now that are adopting assistive technology programs uh dedicated to older adults to get them educated onto at least the basic use of AI for good purposes. And it uh and um and uh we had infrastructure bills that close the digital divide that we have in this country for people who don't have access to uh internet and broadband. But anytime you get engaged in it, it's the same thing. You've got to educate the older adult of what to avoid in there because I'm of the belief that artificial intelligence is neither, okay? It's neither in my book, okay? But it's still there, and you know, we've got to be cognizant of it, and you know, um that's why uh the aging network in this country is wonderful for those who benefit from it, older adults, okay? They have programs that teach you, you know, the tools and the techniques of what to use. You've got a lot of intergenerational programs out there that are are are specifically aimed at helping older adults understand technology. You've got the village network I talked about that does the same thing. So, you know, we shouldn't be either overly afraid or overly dependent on e on AI at this point in time. Because you got this feeling that it's going too fast. You got this feeling that at some point it's it's gonna level off. It's gonna be like we had years ago with the bust on the uh you know the computer side of things. So we just have to keep our older dolls in the game, but at a certain level which doesn't cause them to be exploited.

SPEAKER_06 21:58

Yeah. I know we're going to run out of time, my friend. I want you back, and it won't be nine years from now, I hope. A few other questions I have for you. You know, you've worked closely with organizations like AARP, uh, NCOA, which is the National Council on Aging for those that may not know, and CMS, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, as well as many others over the years. What collaborations or national initiatives are you most encouraged by right now when it comes to improving the life of older Americans?

SPEAKER_01 22:28

I'll give you two. And the first one is non-national. These are master plans on aging that are being adopted in at least 36 states in this country. Remember my very beginning comment and said we have no national plan on aging. Well, somehow, starting with California, and most recently, your own state of Maryland with uh longevity um Maryland that uh Governor Moore, God bless him, wonderful initiative. He really took the lead on that thing, and I'm very proud of what he's done. But what states are saying is let's not wait for the federal, let's give them the ideas of what could be a national plan on aging. So all these states are developing these master plans to look into the future, what we need to do. And I think those are gonna be really important as a uh that could lead to a national initiative. If 36 states are adopting these plans, it's gonna force the hand of the federal government to respond to that. And the job would be to say what's common in those plans that can form the basis of a national plan on age. And the second thing that I think is very important that a lot of us have been working on for a long time is for us to recognize that social care is health care. Okay? If we invest in community-based services, if we invest in nutrition, if we invest in senior centers, in transportation, community-based services, we are contributing to health care, better health care. Okay? We can't keep them in silos anymore. They belong together, and that's something that I've spent a lot of time working on is to get social care recognized as a health care component. And with that will come more resources to support that. And I've been fortunate, you've been very right. I'm just finishing, Sean, you can't believe this. I think I just got on the board of ARP when I was on your show last, and I'll be finishing on in June after ten years on that board. Ten years on the ARP Foundation board, you know, uh I love being involved in organizations and being on boards because you get to see what they're doing. And it's it's it's fascinating. But you know, now that I'm gonna get off national boards, I'm gonna start getting local. I'm gonna go back on local boards so that I can see on the ground how things are working. And because you you know, you can't lose touch with the ground. If you lose touch with the ground, you know, you're in a cocoon. And I don't want to be in a cocoon. I like being in the field.

SPEAKER_06 24:43

Yeah, everything uh is local. Bob, my last question, because we are nearly out of time, my friend. You know, many of our listeners are older adults who sometimes feel uh invisible or unheard in our society. What message do you want to leave with our older Americans today, our listeners, about their value, their voice, and their place in this country?

SPEAKER_01 25:04

Well, thank you for that question. I mean, I, as an older adult myself now, obviously, um, I don't have my voice as I be quieted. I think my voice is as important now as it ever was before, and if anything, I think it's more influential because of what we've been through as older adults. But let me give you a a frontline example that I think has worked very well. We a couple colleagues of mine went one day to a senior center and we walked around and we said to the people at the table, Do you know the name of the federal program that gave you your meal today? Nobody did. Okay? We said, you know what? This is where we have to teach you the name of the federal program. So when it's time to take that program up in Congress to give it more money, you're up there as advocates saying we support the older Americans Act Nutrition Program because we know what it does. But giving them the opportunity to advocate because they know what the program was was a game changer for so many of them. Now they're walking around, you know, calling their member of Congress, they're walking around with signs, they're going to write letters to the editor, you know, saying, Save this program, save this program. So, you know, just give them a tool, give them something they can grasp onto and then let them fly. Because that, you know, they they're they're not gonna stay quiet. Uh most older olds I know don't are not that quiet. They they got a lot to say, you know. So say it in a constructive way.

SPEAKER_06 26:25

Yeah. Well, Bob, I think that's a powerful place for us to uh to close, my friend. I want to thank you again for joining us here on the Stinger and family. When you really step back and look at it, the body of work Bob Blancado has dedicated his life to is about one simple thing: making sure older adults are seen, heard, protected, and valued. From nutrition and caregiving to elder justice, public policy, and advocacy. He has spent decades helping improve the lives of older adults across this country. And I truly appreciate voices like his that continue pushing these conversations forward. Bob, again, thank you for your leadership, your consistency, and your continued commitment to older adults and their families. Thank you, my friend.

SPEAKER_01 27:09

My friends, um, thank you so much too.

SPEAKER_06 27:11

Family, stay with us. We've got more coming up right here on the Senior Zone. This next break is brought to you by Compassion and Choices, empowering everyone to try their own end of life journey. We'll be right back.

SPEAKER_09 27:22

In life, choices matter. Compassionate choices is here to support you on your journey. Our organization provides a wealth of resources to help you navigate difficult decisions with compassion and understanding. Need guidance on end-of-life choices? Visit our website at compassionatechoices.org for a range of informative articles, toolkits, and personal stories. Our compassionate team is just a call away, ready to assist you. Because let's face it, talking about death is not going to kill you. Compassionate choices, empowering you to make choices that reflect your values.

SPEAKER_11 27:56

Hi, neighbor. I'm inviting you and your wife to my husband's 65th birthday party next week.

SPEAKER_05 28:02

Great. Has he applied for Medicare yet?

SPEAKER_11 28:05

Not yet. It's very confusing.

SPEAKER_05 28:07

Call Montgomery County Shift. They help me with questions about my Medicare coverage.

SPEAKER_11 28:13

What's Montgomery County Shift?

SPEAKER_05 28:15

It's TIP, like a boat. Montgomery County State Health Insurance Assistance Program. They help seniors like us, or people with disabilities, or caregivers and families with Medicare insurance questions.

SPEAKER_11 28:28

Can anyone call them?

SPEAKER_05 28:29

Sure. As long as you live in Montgomery County, you can call them at 301-255-4250 or check out their website at www.medicareabcd.org.

SPEAKER_11 28:42

What's that number again?

SPEAKER_05 28:44

Montgomery County Chip. 301-255-4250. Made possible with a grant from the U.S. Administration for Community Living through the state of Maryland and Montgomery County.

Segment Two: Roy Remer on Caregiving and Compassion

SPEAKER_06 28:56

Welcome back. You are listening to the Senior Zone, and I am your host, Sean Perry. Family. This next conversation is for every caregiver, every former caregiver, and every person who may need caregiving one day. My guest is Roy Remer, Executive Director of Zen Caregiving Project, an organization that has been a leading voice in mindfulness-based caregiver education for more than 35 years. Roy has more than two decades of experience in end-of-life care, education, and compassionate service. And he's also the author of Zen Caregiving, How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others. Roy, welcome to the Senior Zone.

SPEAKER_03 29:40

Hey, Sean, it's great to be here on the Senior Zone with you. So I appreciate the opportunity.

SPEAKER_06 29:44

It is my absolute pleasure to have you here. So, Roy, let's start right where many families live. A lot of people don't even call themselves caregivers. They just say, I'm taking care of my spouse, or I'm helping my mother, or I'm doing what family does. When does someone become a caregiver, even if they haven't named it yet?

SPEAKER_03 30:08

Wow, you know, this is a tough question to answer because it is so subjective. It's really up to the individual, right? And so um I take a very broad interpretation of the term caregiver. You know, just as you described, you know, if you're helping a parent just run errands or pick up groceries or maybe cook a meal, uh, to me, you're a caregiver. And yet so many people don't identify as caregiver. And, you know, for those of us who are trying to provide resources for family caregivers, uh, this is one of the challenges is to um help people understand that there are a lot of resources available to them uh as family caregivers, whether you consider yourself a caregiver or not. But it's really up to the individual, I would say.

SPEAKER_06 31:00

Yeah. Uh, you know, it's important, but not necessary. Sometimes, you know, just naming the role uh is the first step towards getting support. But again, as you said, it's not uh necessary that you designate yourself uh as a caregiver. You've spent years in caregiving education, uh Roy, as well as end-of-life care as I have learned. What do you see caregivers carrying most, not just physically, but emotionally?

SPEAKER_03 31:26

Well, the emotional burden can be just huge. And that's really the area that my book is addressing. So the book and the classes that we teach at Zen Caregiving Project are really designed to help caregivers strengthen or build their what we call emotional resilience. So, how to stay calm, grounded, and steady in the role for as long as you're in the role. And you know, some family caregivers are in it for a long, long time. And if we don't tend to our own emotional needs, we run the risk of burning out much sooner than we would otherwise. So I think it's really important, even when there isn't a huge physical or emotional burden, to begin to build some of these skills. But family caregivers, they carry things like doubt, doubt in themselves that they can do this. They carry fear, you know, what's going to happen next with my loved one. You know, they can see the trajectory of illness, they can see where it's going, and it can bring up a lot of fear and anxiety. Um, I think it's really about, you know, how to deal with the problem, if you will, of uncertainty. Because when we're in the role of caregiver, you know, we may not know what's happening next, yet we generate a lot of thoughts about you know what this could look like down the road. So it can be, or it can take a huge emotional toll. So it's really useful to build skills to learn how to manage big emotions. But yeah, for a lot of people, it can be huge. And as you know, just like everyone, family relationships are complex. So every emotion can come up. It can be not just, you know, love and kindness, but anger, resentment, the whole wide range of emotions.

SPEAKER_06 33:27

Yeah, you know, I've learned, uh Roy, uh, in the years that we've been doing the senior zone and having, you know, these conversations that a lot of folks, you know, carry that weight of caregiving, you know, quietly, right? Uh without wanting to burden any uh one else. And I oftentimes say, you know, you got to take time for self-care, and self-care is not self-ish. And my listeners know I say that all the time. You know, your work focuses on what's called mindful caregiving. For older adults listening who are caring for a spouse or a sibling, a parent, or a close friend, what does mindful caregiving look like on a real life stressful day?

SPEAKER_03 34:10

Sure. Well, first of all, I just want to say, you know, self-care is really tricky because a lot of caregivers feel like they don't have time, you know, to practice self-care, to break away and do something for themselves. So the practices that I include in the book, I consider moment-to-moment self-care. And so when it comes to what someone can do on a very practical level, you know, it can really be as simple as just noticing when your mind gets distracted, when your attention gets distracted by unhelpful or even uh harmful thoughts and come back to what's right in front of you, come back to the task at hand. So I'll give a really clear example. You know, maybe you're helping a parent with some housework and you're cleaning the dishes, right? You're doing the dishes for your sibling, your parent, whoever. You know, can you actually focus on the sensation the sensations associated with washing dishes? So can you feel the warm water as it washes over your hands? Can you feel the weight of the plate in your hands? Can you notice what the suds feel like and what it how it changes as the water rinses away the suds? You know, that kind of attention is really what we're talking about. And what that does is when we shift from thoughts into sensations, it disrupts those negative thought patterns that can cause difficult emotions. And so the book really shows people how to use the activities that they're already engaging in on a daily basis to practice this kind of moment-to-moment self-care so that they can better sustain themselves and you know deal with the emotional burden that's part of caregiving. So I really try to make this very, very practical for people. So there are all kinds of practices like this in the book.

SPEAKER_06 36:19

Yeah, I love it. I love it because you know, people need tools they can actually use when life gets heavy. And I can now say that I will never wash dishes the same again after listening uh to you. You know, caregivers also feel guilty taking time for themselves, as I just alluded to a question or two ago. They'll say, How can I rest when my loved one needs me? I know you've heard that before. Right. How do you help people understand, again, that self-care is not selfish?

SPEAKER_03 36:49

You know, Sean, the example I use in the book is um, you know, you can drive a car even if the fuel gauge is broken, right? So even if you don't know how much gas you have left in the tank, you can still drive that car, but sooner or later it's gonna run out of gas and it's gonna cause you and your passengers a big headache. So, you know, taking time for oneself is a little bit like that. It's I consider it an insurance policy of sorts. It really allows you to stay in the role for um as long as you need to be in the role. So I know, and I live with a chronic illness in my life, and when I have, you know, flare-ups as I have, and my wife has to step in and take care of me. I really want to know that she's well resourced, that she has tools in place to take care of herself. Because if she's not taking care of herself, she gets kind of unhappy with me more easily, and she gets exhausted. That's difficult for me to see. I know that if she goes down and can't take care of me, it's gonna present a whole new set of problems. I really watched this with my father when he was taking care of my mom at the end of her life. You know, he pushed himself and he pushed himself. And thank goodness, um, it sounds strange to say, but you know, my mom unfortunately died before my father got really sick. But as soon as she died, we learned that he had had this major health issue that he was ignoring because he felt like he couldn't take time for himself. So it's really important. I think the listeners want to remember that it's not just about themselves, but it's about the person they're taking care of. So integrating moment-to-moment self-care is good for oneself and the person we're caring for.

SPEAKER_06 38:45

Yeah, and that's why we have these conversations, Roy, to drill home, you know, these uh ideas, concepts, practices, habits, whatever, because it is one of the hardest lessons, I think, you know, for caregivers uh to accept, you know, self-care. Let's switch subjects a little bit uh real quick with the time that we have. Uh, caregiving can change relationships as I understand it. Uh, a wife becomes a caregiver, a son becomes a decision maker, a daughter becomes, you know, one that everyone calls, right? How can families protect love as well as connection when the caregiving role starts taking over?

SPEAKER_03 39:24

Yeah, it's a it's a beautiful question, and there's so much thoughtfulness behind it. I think it's um really important to really witness caregivers to give them opportunities to share their stories of caregiving, whether these are stories of joy and purpose, meaning, connection, or whether they're stories of just heavy burden and frustration and exhaustion. Um when we show up and allow a caregiver to tell their story, it returns to them a sense of connection and meaning. It it helps them remember that there's something bigger than their very narrow circumstances of you know uh being in a caregiver role. So this is a really important piece. And you know, my sister is really the primary caregiver for my father, who's now 90 years old, and you know, he has early signs of dementia and he has a lot of needs, and he lives much closer to my sister than he does to me. So I'm constantly thanking her and appreciating her and letting her know that you know I see the work that she's doing, you know, and the the load that she's taken on. So I think that's really an important piece. I think it's important to remember that you know, identity is constantly shifting for people. So when we suffer emotionally, often it's because we're uh holding so tightly to an identity that maybe is old. And so if we can loosen our attachment to the way things used to be, and this can be difficult, but if we can loosen that attachment, it just makes it a little bit easier to be with the truth of what's going on now in our life. And it doesn't mean that well, we all know that like everything, this too will change, right? And so it's um yeah, uh nothing lasts forever. And so, you know, we can definitely count on the fact that someday I will no longer be in this caregiving role. And then at that point, you know, life will take on a new sort of normal. But this is the nature of things, constantly changing. And when we hold too tightly to the way things were, it causes us problems and difficulty.

SPEAKER_06 41:55

Yeah. Speaking of identity, uh, Roy, um, it just you just triggered a thought that I've had uh in the past, and that is uh when that time, if that time comes for me to require caregiving uh support, that, you know, like most of us, we don't want to be a burden to our loved one, right? To our spouse. You know, and I for me it's gonna be a challenge of how do I still identify as a husband, but not feeling like I'm a responsibility? And that's something that I'm still mulling over, you know, in my head, and maybe we can talk about at another time. But I'm sure others feel the feel the same way, right? How does one still maintain being a wife and not a responsibility, a mother and not a responsibility, and so on and so forth?

SPEAKER_03 42:39

Yeah, you know, uh both are true, right? I think we need to accept that there's no either-or um answer to these kinds of questions. You know, it's the dedication in the book that I have that I included was a dedication to my parents who taught me that caregiving is an expression of love, you know. And so love takes many different forms, and it's hard to become a responsibility, as you say, and yet um, you know, I think a lot of us need help becoming the one who needs care, you know, none of us wants to need care in our life, but I thought to myself, you know, we need a class or a book that teaches us how to receive care because it's tough for a lot of people to do. So, how do we receive care with grace, right? And when our body perhaps is feeling kind of miserable, this can be a real challenge. So, how do we um let the person who's caring for us know that we appreciate them? This can be really, really difficult. So I think another way to think about this is you know, this mindfulness. Based approach to grief because so much grief can come up for someone who's receiving care around these shifting identities. And I think it's really important to not deny the grief that arises when a relationship begins to shift because one partner needs a lot of support. And just you know, be upfront about the emotions that are arising for you about this kind of change. I think this helps both people recognize that you know this is the truth of the matter, and it gives an opportunity to you know for a deeper conversation, a conversation that perhaps you know increases a sense of intimacy with our partner, but not to shy away from it, not to pretend. And you know, as men, we're really good at that. We like to pretend, uh, this isn't really happening, we're not gonna talk about it. But that only lasts, that only works for so long. I think it's good to talk about what we're feeling, and it makes us feel a lot more connected. And it you know, there's something about meeting each other and the shared experience of vulnerability. This is a powerful, powerful thing. And I think it uh deepens love for our partner, actually.

SPEAKER_06 45:17

Yeah, great, great uh response. Uh let's talk burnout with the time that we have left, uh, Roy. What are some signs that a caregiver uh has moved beyond being just tired and is now truly, truly overwhelmed?

SPEAKER_03 45:32

Yeah, so when there's a sense of hopelessness, right? When we feel like nothing's gonna make the situation better, you know, this is a really clear sign. Um certainly physical exhaustion. Um I would say signs of depression when we don't we feel like you know, I don't even want to get out of bed, or I no longer have an appetite, you know. Friends call and I don't really want to talk to them, or I don't want to go out and do anything. I think these are pretty clear signs that the situation is becoming untenable. You know, we were just talking about this, but you know, in this question, what comes up is the difficulty of asking for help. A lot of us have difficulty asking for help. And you know, these are the moments where even though we recognize someone may say, yeah, no, I don't have time for that, it becomes really important to ask for assistance. And you know, when we start to show signs of burnout, or sometimes it's called compassion fatigue, it can be really useful to remind ourselves, you know, why did I make a decision to show up for this? Because and I like to remind caregivers you have made a decision to show up for this. We do hear stories about you know, we learn that a spouse becomes ill with some kind of you know long-term chronic diagnosis, and the partner says, Yeah, I didn't sign up for this, you know, I'm I'm out of here, you know. But caregivers show up again and again. And so to remind oneself, you know, of their values, their values around compassion and care, I think is really important. Yeah. Rory, we are nearly out of other oh, go ahead.

SPEAKER_06 47:32

I was gonna say we are nearly out of time, my friend. 30 seconds, and before I let you go, uh, and my apologies, uh, what is one simple practice a caregiver right now can begin today to care for themselves while still showing up with love for the person who needs them?

SPEAKER_03 47:48

Well, it sounds really simple, but it's really everything. Just take time to pause, place a hand on your chest over your heart, and just let yourself follow three breaths in and out. And that is a place from which you can begin again. Just kind of reset things, get in contact with the body, and begin again.

SPEAKER_06 48:10

Roy Remer, Executive Director of Zen Caregiving Project and author of Zen Caregiving, How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding us that caregiving is not just about doing more, it's also about being present. It's about staying grounded and remembering that caregivers matter too. How can our folks uh get get their hands on your book, Roy?

SPEAKER_03 48:35

Well, you all online retailers should have it, or your local bookstore, or visit us at zencaregiving.org to learn more.

SPEAKER_06 48:43

There you go, folks. Zen Z-EN Caregiving.org. Zencaregiving.org. Family, if you are caring for someone right now, please hear this. You are not invisible, you are not weak for needing help, and you do not have to lose yourself while loving somebody else. You are listening to the senior zone. I'm your host, Sean Perry. Please stay with us. We'll be right back. Roy, thank you. Thank you, Sean. All right, take care. Folks, this next break is brought to you by AARP DC, your wise friend and fierce defender in Washington, D.C. We'll be right back.

SPEAKER_09 49:19

Today is your day to connect with AARP and DC. AARP is here in the District of Columbia working hard to make it an even better place to live, work, and play for people of all ages, and you can help. Put your skills and talents to good use as an AARP volunteer where you can help lead local events or become an advocate for the issues that matter in your community, like funding for programs that help district residents age with dignity and independence. AARP is also helping you get the most out of life. Check out their educational workshops where they can help you grow as a caregiver, find a job, and teach you about the latest technology, or enjoy a night out at any of their exciting local events, like their happy hours and free movie screenings. Today is your day to connect with your community and with AARP. So let's take on today and every day. Learn more at aarp.org slash DC.

Birthdays of the Week

SPEAKER_06 50:58

So whether you're turning 50 or 105, just know this. We celebrate you the same way with love. So here we go. Tabitha Horn is 51 today, Monday, June 8th from Owens Mill, Maryland. Happy birthday, Tabitha A. Scott Bolden. You see him on TV all the time. 64 today as well. Monday, June 8th from Washington, D.C. Happy birthday, Scott. Beth Rosenthal Finkel is 75 today as well. June 8th from New York City, New York. Happy birthday. Beth Duane Butler is 65. Medicare eligible tomorrow, June 9th from Upper Marlboro, Maryland. Happy birthday, Duane. Shakita Phillips, 77. Tuesday, June 9th from Washington, D.C. Happy birthday, Shakita. Linda Vincent, 63. Wednesday, June 10th from Fredericksburg, Virginia. Happy birthday, Linda. Catherine Bridget. Haven't seen you in a long time. Turns 80. Friday, June 12th from Fort Washington, Maryland. Happy birthday, Catherine. A few more here. We have Juanita Winkler Simmons, 76 on Friday, June 12th from Arlington, Virginia. Happy birthday, Juanita. Lisa Bullock, a friend here, 60 years young on Friday, June 12th from Laurel, Maryland. Happy birthday, Lisa. And last but not least, a childhood friend here, Anita Ziggler, 62. Sunday, June 14th, hailing now from Humble, Texas. I believe that's near Houston. So happy, happy birthday, Anita. Folks, happy birthday to each and every one of you. And remember, if you want your birthday announced here on the Senior Zone, just send us an email. Send that email to info at the senior zone.com. That's INFO at the senior zone.com.

Dear Grave Woman by Joelle Simone

SPEAKER_06 52:55

And now, family, we move from celebration into reflection. It's now time for Dear Grave Woman featuring Joelle Simone. Joelle is going to bring some wisdom, honesty, compassion, and a voice that reminds us that conversations about death are really conversations about life. So let's lean in. Joelle, take it away, my friend.

SPEAKER_00 53:17

Hey, Sean, and welcome back, everyone, to Dear Grave Woman. I am your host, Joelle Simone, known all over the world as the Grave Woman. And today I have a question for you. What are you leaving behind in the form of cultural assets? And so by cultural assets, I mean things that maybe are not tangible, such as an insurance policy, a home, a vehicle, a check, so to speak. But the things that are innately unique to you. And so, in order to get your gears going and hopefully help you manifest some of these cultural assets or recognize some of these cultural assets in your life, I'm going to share to you the top seven cultural assets that I encourage the families and individuals that I work with to focus on. Number one, are your oral traditions and stories. And so the practice of passing history, wisdom, humor, and survival strategies in spoken word is one of the most enduring legacy systems. And so, how are you capturing your stories and ensuring that generations to come will have access to them? Number two, is your spirituality and debate-based practices, whether rooted in Christianity, Islam, African diaspora, social uh spiritual systems, or blended practice? Spirituality has functioned as both refuge and resistance, especially for communities of color. Number three is your music heritage and your sonic memory. What is the soundtrack of your life? Have you recorded songs, you know, on tape CDs, YouTube playlists, or any other medium to share with those that you're leaving behind? Um, number four is your kinship networks and chosen family structures, extended family systems such as fictive kin, such as people that are our aunties, our uncles, and community elders, they don't have no can or blood relation to us, as well as neighborhood-based caregiving create relational ecosystems that go beyond biological ties. Who is your non-blood family community? And is your family or your loved ones even aware that they exist? Number five, are your cultural codes of resistance and adaptation? That kind of ties into storytelling a little bit. What have you survived? What can future generations glean strength from in the event or upon your demise? Sharing those things is vitally important. Number six are rituals of grief ongoing and ancestor honoring. What have you done to navigate grief and sort of survive loss in your life? And number seven, last but not least, is your aesthetic expression, your cultural style and your identity language. Things like the pieces that you want in your hair, statement pieces from your closet, and just things that make you you that are going to be left behind. They are tangible, but on a deeper level, they're not because they represent your essence. Thank you so much for paying attention today. And Sean, back to you for the later life lowdown.

Later Life Lowdown

SPEAKER_06 56:22

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Joel. Always thoughtful, always honest, and always reminding us that the more we understand the end of life, the more intentional we can be about living the life we still have. And now, family, let's move into this week's later life lowdown for our DC family. If you need help with aging services, meals, transportation, caregiver support, senior centers, or safety programs, call the DC Department of Aging and Community Living at 202-724-5626. That's 202-724-5626. And if you suspect an older adult is being abused, neglected, exploited, or even mistreated, call DC Adult Protective Services at 202-541-3950. That's 202-541-3950. Please don't stay silent. One call can protect someone's safety and dignity. For our Maryland family, the Maryland Access Point, also known as MAP, can connect older adults, people with disabilities, and caregivers to services, benefits, housing resources, transportation, and long-term care options. If interested, call 844-627-5465. That's 844-627-5465. And in Northern Virginia, Fairfax County's Aging, Disability, and Caregiver Resources Line can help with aging services, caregiver support, meals, transportation, and Medicare counseling. Call 703-324-7948. That's 703-324-7948. And this one is for no matter where you live, wherever you are listening from, don't forget benefitscheckup.org. It's a free tool from the National Council on Aging that can help you find programs for food, medicine, health care, utilities, and other everyday needs. Just call 800-794-6559 or visit benefitscheckup.org.

Closing Reflections and Podcast Reminder

SPEAKER_06 58:42

And family, as we close out another edition of the Senior Zone, I want to thank you from my heart to yours for spending time with us. Every week, we try to bring you something useful, something meaningful, something that helps you live better, think deeper, plan wiser, and remember that aging is not the end of the story, it's another chapter of the story. I'm your host, Sean Perry, and this has been the Senior Zone. So until we meet again, keep your head high, keep your heart full, and always be someone who makes someone else look forward to there tomorrow. Love you. Peace.

SPEAKER_08 59:19

Be sure to join us on our next broadcast. Until then, live simply, love dinner.

SPEAKER_10 59:26

Speak kindly.