#13 Alfred Ricci: From Childhood Trauma to Helping Those Who Serve

What if the experiences that shaped your deepest struggles could also become your greatest source of strength?

In this powerful conversation, Jayne is joined by Resilience Expert Alfred Ricci to explore how childhood trauma, adversity and high-pressure careers can become catalysts for growth, purpose and service.

Alfred shares his remarkable journey from an unstable childhood spent in shelters, group homes and foster care to an international career in corporate banking spanning more than 20 countries. Despite professional success, he found himself questioning whether achievement alone could bring fulfilment, leading him on a path towards helping others build resilience and wellbeing - ultimately finding his true purpose in helping others.

Together, they explore why some people are able to thrive despite adversity, the hidden emotional cost of high-pressure corporate cultures, and the importance of supporting those who dedicate their lives to helping others. Alfred shares how resilience, mindfulness and a willingness to challenge the status quo helped him move beyond survival and create a life centred on meaning and service.

This episode is a powerful reminder that while we cannot always change what has happened to us, we can change how we respond to it. 

If you've ever felt trapped by old beliefs, workplace pressures or past experiences, this conversation offers hope, practical wisdom and a fresh perspective on what it means to thrive.

Learn more about Alfred and his work here - https://www.alfredricci.com/ 

Connect with Alfred here - https://www.linkedin.com/in/alfredricci/

EF training exists because nobody should have to pour from an empty cup. Founded by Jayne Ellis who learnt the hard way so you don't have too.

If today's conversation resonated with you, please subscribe, share and leave a review - it helps more professionals who care find this community.

If you or someone you know would like to join the conversation and be a guest on our podcast, please get in touch. 

Connect with us at info@eftraining.co.uk

Visit us at http://eftraining.co.uk for more information about Jayne Ellis and learn about our Compassion Fatigue and Emotional Resilience Training for Organisations and Individuals.

Please note: This podcast is intended for education and supportive purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you are struggling, please reach out to a qualified professional or contact your GP. 

The views and options expressed by guests on this podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views, values or position of EF training Ltd. Guest content is shared in the spirit of open conversation, learning and intended as a safe space for honest dialogue. 

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to this week's I'm Fine podcast with me, Jayne Ellis. My guest this week is the wonderful Alfred, and I'm gonna sound very glamorous now because I met Alfred in Los Angeles. Actually, we met over a kitchen table, I seem to remember. Is that right? Yes, we did. We did, yes, because I was staying with my friend Tehu, who has also done one of these podcasts. Listen to hers, it's very interesting. And and Alfred was also staying with her, and I was there because my son was at college in LA. And we became friends, and we've known each other now for quite a while. 'Cause Daniel's coming up for 28- Just to make us both feel old. So he's very graciously said that he will come on today's podcast, and I'm going to just let him talk because he's a very fascinating person. I'm gonna ask him to introduce himself, and then to outline a little bit about his life and how he has dealt with the stress that has occurred during that time. Thank you, Jayne- As he has for having me on and introducing me to your listeners. This is an absolute privilege. And I do say privilege because when we sat at that kitchen table, both of us discussed how we could be of service to humanity, how we could create things that helped others, especially first responders nurses, doctors, social workers, victim services. Those people who serve is what we talked about. Your huge background in nursing really put... the light went on in my head to say, "We need to serve those who serve." Yeah. "Those who serve deserve our assistance more than anything." And that's when the light went on for me about how here in the US to present things that help first responders. And very quickly, how did I get into this? Just so your listeners understand, is I had an extremely stressful childhood. Two shelters, two group homes, a foster home while attending six high schools in four years. I was in houses where I was the only one that was only going to school. Everybody else had dropped out. That eventually led to a college double major, graduate school MBA, and eventually living overseas in Asia and Europe. Lived in Europe for four years doing international banking. Was an international banker and worked in over 20 countries. And wait, hold on. Didn't you just start out by saying you had a really horrible childhood? Yes. During that time, I learned a lot of skills of how to deal with trauma, how to deal with PTSD, which is what happens to you after you have trauma. And I am blessed that I went through those experiences of having an insanely crazy childhood, because it gave me the skills such as mindfulness and resilience. And that's what we're gonna be talking about, is how did using mindfulness, resilience, other practices allow me to go from trauma, PTSD, where everyone else really got stuck, and I was able to use those tools to work around the world and eventually say, "You know what? That's really great that I'm doing good, but what can I do to pass these skills on to others?" And that time when you and I were sitting around the table, it was, you know what? We need to serve those who serve. We need to help those who help others. We need to pass along those skills to thrive in highly stressful work environments. And that's why I'm grateful you've got me on, and we'll see how many of these we can pass along to your listeners. Yeah. What do you think it was about you as an individual that gave you that resilience? Because a lot of people, given the same set of circumstances, would not have thrived in the way that you have. You look back on yourself as that younger person. I just never accepted the status quo. I never accepted- tradition as the truth. I never accepted this is the way it is," or, "This is the way I told you." It's like my biggest question that got me in so much trouble as a child was I asked why. Yeah. Like, why? Why is it that way? And that's a huge core skill that can help others understand that just because something happened doesn't mean that you need to stay feeling that way, or you need to stay depressed or stay traumatized. There are things that you can do to say, "No, it doesn't need to be like that. It can change. I can change. I can be different." I just got lucky. For some reason, That skill stayed with me, and it's probably a huge part of what both of us pass on to others. Yeah. The world of corporate banking, you probably chose one of the most stressful corporate jobs that you could have. How did you cope with that at that time? It was a fantastic experience. I'm very grateful for the opportunity, that work paid for me to see the world. Yeah. But the work itself corporate banking, soul-sucking. Just give your soul away to the corporation. Yeah. And eventually, the universe helped me wake up to say, "Okay, enough of this. Enough. Let's go do something meaningful. Why don't we go help people?" Okay? Yeah. And this is what's important in a teacher. You find somebody who's helped themselves, somebody who's followed the principles, and that person can come to you with experiences and say, "This stuff really works. It's been put through the wringer. It's been tested. I'm coming from my soul when I'm talking to you." And banking doesn't give you that opportunity. Yes, it's, it was a fantastic lesson, and I'm grateful for it because then you learn things like people are people. I don't care what language, what history, what geography, what religion. Everybody wants to be loved. Everybody wants to love. And you don't see that unless you travel the world. So I'm really grateful, and I'm grateful I got out of it and was guided to do similar things that you do, which is help others. Yeah. Was there a turning point for you at that point where you decided that you couldn't do it anymore? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was crystal clear. You and I are very similar that we want to help people, and I had an executive stop me in the middle of the hallway and say to me I will never forget this. It was crystal clear, "Where in your job description does it say help people?" What? Where in your job description does it say help people? And I looked at him and said, "You know what? I'm in the wrong place." Because I was starting to wake up to say, "I really wanna help people. I wanna do things meaningful. I just don't want numbers passing in front of me on a computer all day long." And that was just the wake-up call. He just shoved me right over the edge to say, "You know what? I'm in the wrong place doing the wrong job. It's been an absolutely fantastic experience, but I'd rather go do something that helps people." That I want me to help others, not that I'm being confronted- Yeah because I was being generous. Yeah, th- that's not a place if you wanna help people is banking, especially corporate banking. Yeah. So what was the next thing you did? Found a mentor, found somebody who had teachings Because especially graduate school, MBA school, they teach you dedicate your life to a corporation, shareholder value, and make money. And I'm like, "Okay, there's a lot of stuff that they didn't teach you in school, really." E- double major in business and economics, grad school and business. I'm like, "Okay, this is all about business. There's a lot more to life than earning money, such as being happy." Yes, I'm still in America, and I'm one of the nice Americans. I'm not- You just have to say that. Just get it out there quick. That's all I'm going to say, is finding happiness should be core on your list of things. Okay? There's a core group in the US currently that's fight and war, and I'm like no. No." You want to find teachers, methodology, books, whatever, about being happy. Okay? And that's what I did. Once I left banking, I said, "Okay I was miserable being- taught I'm supposed to do this to people instead of helping them." No. Yeah. How can you be happy? So to answer your question is I found a mentor that I resonated with who had a lot of teachings about being happy, how to be happy. And the core of how to be happy is something happened to you for some reason that made you miserable, traumatic, sad, PTSD, whatever. How do you change that? Because if you let go of those things, you can be happier a lot easier. And that was my first step, was learning myself. What were those things that helped me go from absolute hell to doing amazing things? And that's a fantastic teaching to pass along to others, especially those in services. Don't you wanna do amazing things? Don't you wanna be of service and help others and do amazing things this life? Yeah. People do find it very hard though, don't they? They find it very hard to accept that the way that they've been dealing with things up until now isn't working very well for them. And I called the podcast I'm Fine because we do tend to brush it off. And I was speaking to another guest, especially men find it very difficult to tap into that side of themselves where they feel like they can be of service to others and they can show vulnerability. So they do tend to say that I'm fine. And I'm sure there's been times in your life when you have not been fine, but you have said that you are, and I'm just wondering, why do you think that people do that? Why do they say that? Many cultures hammer it into you to hide your feelings, hide your thought, number one. Number two, this is the way it's always been, this is the way it's going to be. Whether it's this is the way we've always done things within the family, this is the way we've always done things in our culture. We're very proud of our history. We want that to continue. Religion, same thing. This is the way it's always been. I'm the one who speaks. You say yes. There is no dissent. I was one of the people going through what was that thing? Where you progress in Catholic Church. They took me and stuck me on the other side 'cause I asked questions like communion. Why can't I ask questions? Like, why is that a bad thing? So we've got it beat into us through so many different ways that you're not supposed to ask questions, that you're just supposed to accept what you're told. And for some reason, I was blessed by saying, "No. Why is that?" And yes, some people may find it difficult to say I was always brought up to hide my emotions, to not shake things up, to keep things- Yeah the way that they are." That I was told that's valuable to do things the way they've been. And I look at that and saying, "Do we have horse and buggies? Do we purposely want to have horse-drawn carriages, or do we want to evolve into something better?" We're always evolving. So let's talk about personal history here, which is most important, is your family, your friends, your religion, your culture may pressure you subconsciously to say, "No, this is the way it's always been. This is a good thing." If you want to be happy, if you want to learn tools, you may need to do things differently. You may need to think differently. If you're miserable and you've been miserable for one year, two years, five years, 10 years, you may need to say, "You know what? I'm willing to accept new tools. I'm willing to look at different ways of doing things in search of being happy Yeah. Yeah. I think I said to you that my friend and I went to see the Dalai Lama and somebody asked him about forgiveness. And he said, if you don't forgive somebody, then you might as well just put a stone in your own shoe and walk around with a stone in your own shoe because you're punishing yourself and they don't know." And it is about changing and evolving. And we're not suggesting for one minute that it's not difficult, because it is. And, certainly within some cultures right around the world, it's very difficult to say how you feel. And certainly within the corporate environment. Would there ever have been a time when you would have opened up to any of the people that you were working with when you were working in that environment and said how you were actually feeling? No. Oh, no. No. No. Your corporate rewards people who battle, who fight. Especially in finance. It's those who fight the hardest, climb the hardest. And it's actually shown especially in my corporate career being vulnerable is weak. You're weak because you're not in control of your emotions. The truth is the corporations that have a higher level of emotional intelligence do better- Yeah because everyone is motivated behind a purpose to be of service, to do better. Okay? That motivates people, whereas in the corporate environment where you're scared to share what you feel, you're scared to make suggestions, how is that making things better? It's not. The person who makes the decisions has the higher rank, not the person with the best idea. Yeah. And that's why, for example there are some large entities that I've worked for that are very stagnant specifically in international finance, because you can be punished for speaking your mind. You must follow the person regardless if that person has the better idea or not. Now, emotional intelligence or other types of- environments, corporate cultures that allow people to speak their minds. There may be somebody on the front line who has a fantastic idea. Do you allow that person to speak their mind and let that innovative idea bubble up? One of the jokes that I love talking about is Undercover Boss. You've got the highest paid CEO goes undercover, goes out of his way to go to the front lines and learn Why can't you create a corporate environment that allows people to be vulnerable, to speak their minds so that the highest paid CEO doesn't have to go to the front? The front is allowed to speak their minds, and that is actually the culture that is promoted. That is an emotionally intelligent corporate culture, which is- Yeah I think a lot of- Which can be done It, it can be done. It can be done. Yes. You were gonna set up a corporate environment, I don't know, go and sell something, how would you go about creating that environment where people felt that they had the chutzpah to be able to say to you, "Actually, I think you're wrong," without feeling that they were gonna be criticized for it? How do you create an environment that enables people to have that kind of agency? We are in this together. What is together? What is the purpose? This is the first step of creating an environment where people feel accepted and willing to be part of the solution is, for example, we do. Our mission is to be of service to those who serve, okay? And that any idea that anybody has to the organization that helps the organization meet that goal, the people at the top should welcome it. To say- Yeah "You know what? Just because I'm at the top doesn't mean I have all the answers." It's I, the people at the top, welcome any ideas that helps us meet our mission. One of my favorite philosophies is that employee motivation comes from being dedicated to a purpose. Yeah. Okay? It's people inherently want to contribute. People inherently want to make things better. People inherently want to help others. If you can say, "This is why we as a company exist," for example, a hospital. We help people get better in whatever way they say that. And to say, "You know what? I'm a bedside nurse, and we as a q- we as a culture, we as a company," even though it may be nonprofit or government, "want to hear how could we increase customer satisfaction? How can we allow doctors and nurses to do better? Is there an idea that you have? We welcome any idea or suggestion that helps us achieve our mission, which is to be of service." So the real thing really isn't behind just formulating a culture that allows that. It's wholeheartedly understanding that you can have a better organization by allowing innovation, quality to bubble up from the top by letting people speak their mind Yeah. Yeah. So true. And you and I both know that, that's quite rare. It's quite rare. I have met some people who run their companies like that, and they do very well. But a lot of them, especially these big corporations, especially sadly within healthcare, still very hierarchical, where people don't feel like they have the ability to be able to criticize upwards. And once they get shut down once, they don't do it again. Yeah. Here's a a crazy example. Blockbuster and Netflix. Yeah. The people who formed Netflix pitched their idea to the board of directors of Blockbuster to say, "This is the direction that things are going. We need to go online." Blockbuster told them, "No way." They formed Netflix by... They quit and let go. Yeah. Blockbuster out of business, went bankrupt. Why? Because they didn't listen to their employees. They didn't create a culture of innovation that listened to those on the front lines. Yeah. So don't listen at your own peril to your employees. Now, what we do is we go and help people not just deal with themselves, but by allowing them to deal with their stress, they become better communicators. They become more team players. They get to work with others better because they're not as stressful. They're happy. So things like emotional intelligence and a lot of the skills that you and I teach are for those on the front lines to say, "How can I work better with my clients? How can I work better with my coworkers? How can I communicate better with management?" So instilling a culture of communication comes from many different places. Just so we were talking about why don't people change? Because this is the way it's always been. If someone wants to instill a culture of internal innovation process improvement, quality improvement, then yes, it needs to come from the top, but the bottom and the middle also need to do the work to understand they are allowed, and it is welcome to speak your mind. And especially the middle needs to understand if somebody makes a mistake, document it, congratulate them because it's a lesson. Yeah. Making mistakes are welcome. That crazy type of psychology that not everything's gonna be perfect, and it's okay, and encouraging people to learn and share that we are together kumbaya to- make the world a better place through our mission, whatever that mission is. It could be Porsche to say, "We make great cars that make people happy." Fantastic. Regardless of the type of organization that the people at the bottom need to learn. Just because this is the way it's always been doesn't mean that's the way it always needs to be. Change can be good. Yeah. Good answer to the question. If you were gonna go back and and give yourself some advice when you started your corporate job about how to deal with the stress that you were experiencing, how old were you when you finished University So after MBA school, I just launched, Yep was based in Vienna, Austria, working for Ernst Young International. There were no lessons about being happy. There were no lessons about resilience, mindfulness, how to deal with stress. However, you only call upon very expensive consultants when there is an extremely stressful issue that you can't deal with. Wait for it to happen. So- Yeah it, so one of the craziest things is you've got a bunch of consultants that you purposely put in extremely difficult, stressful situations, and don't teach them about stress. Yeah. Yeah. And it's still happening. We know it. It's still happening now. Yeah. But, and it's the same thing with most corporate environments. In extremely stressful dog-eat-dog environment survival of the fittest, so- Yeah even if the corporate culture is not accepting you as an individual, especially if you're in corporate, need resilience skills. Definitely. You yourself. Because corporations themselves, even healthcare environments my survey said in healthcare environments, 40% of the stress came from just dealing with bureaucracy, rules, regulations those type of things. Yep. Being a nurse, being a doctor was not the most stressful aspect. It was how do you function within the environment of rules and regulations. That caused them a huge amount of stress. And- Yeah for example, financial institutions, extremely highly regulated. So even if your organization is very stressful, you yourself will benefit greatly by learning resilience skills. Yeah. So we call it, as responsible selfishness when we are talking about people taking care of themselves. What is Alfred's responsible selfishness? What do you do on a daily, weekly, hourly basis to, to keep yourself calm and centered and happy and able to look after yourself and do what you need to do? Number one, gym Okay? Gym Not a person, a place. Gym, working out, I don't care. It is physically, mentally, you burn off steam, you physically feel better. Whether it helps you in the long term, that's a whole nother issue. But in the short term, you're doing something constructive to let go of what you've picked up during the day, what you've experienced. Okay? It's not the long-term solution, but it absolutely helps you in the short and medium term let go of things, feel better, do something constructive. As compared to 24 years of my life being a raging alcoholic, I realized after 24 years drinking is not gonna get rid of it. It won't. Yeah. It will keep it down for that particular day. So there's two ways to deal with something: unconstructive, constructive. You're trying to deal with it. Okay? And that's the issue with PTSD, compassion fatigue, trauma, is how do you deal with it? For me, I learned alcohol and drugs doesn't fix it. Okay, great. Let's try doing something constructive. The gym. Okay, that's a fantastic first step, is you know what? Let's at least get healthy. Let's at least- Yeah do that. That is definitely the first step to say, "Is that drink really gonna help? Is that next shot, that next beer, that next whatever that you're taking really gonna get rid of it? Or you know what? Let's try something different." And you have to break old easy habits and make that transition. Yeah. So number one, physical exercise. Get yourself fit. What else do you do? This is where the hard work comes in, the mental training. So the end result of the mental training is to realize there's nothing to be stressed about. That's a huge statement, especially for those who are in service. What do you mean? I just saw this, and the stories that you will hear about what this is made my hair stand up. And you can say, "Okay, how about if the end result is instead of focusing on this, be proud of yourself that you were there helping?" You could go from an extremely negative to something extremely positive. Some of these traumas that people talk about were extremely difficult to deal with, and We're talking months, years of work to get to this point. But what can happen by doing the mental exercises is those nasty things that either make you drink or go to the gym or whatever indulgent that you want eventually go away, that you don't need those things as much. Because the trauma goes away, the PTSD goes away by doing the mental exercises such as resilience to say, "I am grateful to be of service. I am grateful to be there for those people. Yeah, okay, that bureaucracy stuff, yeah, everybody has to go through it. The government needs regulation. Yeah, okay, fine. We have to slow down a little bit, but I'm still grateful to be of service." Versus, "I'm aggravated as heck about this bureaucracy stuff." By doing the mental exercises that you and I both have workshops on to teach people these mental exercises, you can understand you lower your stress level, you work on being happy Then all of a sudden gradually over months or years by working it, you don't have to drink as much. You don't have to go to the gym as much. I used to go to the gym five to six days a week for two hours. Now, I go to the gym two to three days a week for a half hour. Why? 'Cause I'm not as aggravated, and that's the huge part of the mental teachings is if you're not as aggravated, stressed, traumatized, you don't need as many of those... What did you call them? Self-indulgences? Okay? Responsible selfishness. Yeah, responsible selfishness. Yes, absolutely. It's a wonderful thing. We always have stress. We're in human form. Yeah. There's always gonna be stress. Responsible selfishness, do nice things. Yeah, it's fine. There's no problem with opening a bottle of wine once in a while. But if that's your escape mechanism, then you might wanna look at, you know what books, teachings, methodologies, whatever it is that's out there that's available to say, "Maybe if I learn to let it go, I won't need as much drinking, the gym, or any of those," because you're pulling out the root cause. You don't need to suppress it. You don't need to make yourself happier, which is why one of my newest self-indulgences is go sitting in the backyard looking at trees swinging in the wind. That's all it- Fair enough takes now. Yeah. Because if you do the mental exercises that are in your workshops or anywhere... There's tons of teachers out there that tell you how to deal with monkey mind chatter, to say, "What do you do to let go of the stress? What do you do to work on being happy?" Then- life becomes a lot easier. You become happier. But of course, you need to get through the original stigma of, "This is the way we've always done it." Stiff upper lip. What is the thing you see on the British T-shirts that are like suck it up, buttercup? Something like that, yeah. Yeah. No. No. You don't have to solely rely on the gym or whatever. You can do... and it becomes a part of your life. You actually become happier. You become, I hate to use this term, high on life- by doing these exercises, by sitting out in the backyard and watching the trees sway in the wind, letting go of negativity, letting go of trauma. Doing the exercises is bliss, makes you happy. And the best part, it's free. Yeah, maybe taking the courses isn't free. But practicing them, you can become happy by simply sitting and doing nothing free resources out there on mindfulness, on meditation, there are free resources that you can use. Tons. But you have to want to do it. Especially YouTube. And that... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it starts, what we talked about a long time ago is you first have to get over the stigma of, "I got it beaten into me through my friends, my family, my religion, my culture that this is the way it has to be." Once you get over that, then you can say, "What indulgences do I wanna do that make me happy?" Yeah. "What mental lessons are there available that will help me be happy?" But you first have- Yeah to break that stigma of, "No, things can be different, and I can be different, and I can be happy, and I deserve to be happy." That is a brilliant end for the podcast. I'm gonna leave you with that thought, ladies and gentlemen, because I don't think you could say it better than that. You deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be happy. So Alfred, go and sit back under your tree, and I will go back and sit under my tree because I live in the New Forest and I have lots of trees to choose from. Thank you so much for getting up early and joining us on the podcast. It's been an absolute pleasure as always. Take very good care of yourself and I'm sure I'll see you again soon. Take care. Bye. Jayne, I am so grateful to be of service to you and be on your podcast. Thank you very much and your continued success being in service. Thank you.