Remember to be Present....But Not Too Present ft. Blair Davis [Ep. 5]

Two friends. Two dead dads. One seriously good episode. 

Welcome back to another episode of the Dead Dad's Club podcast. This week, I sit down with my former roommate and long time friend, Blair, as we discuss losing our dads, supporting our moms, On The Border's happy hour deals and everything in between. Oh, and we laugh....like a lot (but that's pretty on brand for us). This episode is a super fun one and a gentle reminder that navigating grief is so much easier when you have your village there to support you along the way.

Guest: Blair Davis

IG: b_davis93

Host: Maya Dawit

IG: @mdawit

TikTok: @maya_do_itt

Follow us on socials!

IG: @ddcpod

Tiktok: @deaddadzclubpod

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I do think it in a way being in each other's faces like that and being forced to be in each other's faces like that was ultimately a good thing. Um because you couldn't run from it or like run from each other or like you know, if if my my mom's having a really hard time, I couldn't hide from her.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Welcome back to another episode of The Dead Dad Club, where the dads are dead, but the vibes are still kind of okay. You might be thinking, Maya, you're not in your humble one-bedroom New York apartment, and you would be correct. Because DDC Pod is mobile. We are home for the holidays, which meant I had to run up on my homegirl, who's our guest this week, and do a fun back home episode of the Dead Dad Club. So, this week with us is my friend. One piece of my heart, Ms. Blair Davis. Blair, thank you for being with us today.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

I always like to say that you're my most elusive friend because I'm always like, where in the world is Blair at any given moment? Blair at home. She's at home. She's at home. Listen, you guys, Blair is the mother to what I have deemed the most beautiful baby in the entire world. He is a sweet angel. We have him hidden right now because we could not afford his fee. Tucked away. Tucked away quietly. He's actually napping, so we're gonna be really respectful and quiet about that. But yes, Blair, thanks so much for being on the show. I'm really excited to have this conversation with you for a lot of reasons, but I think primarily because we have very similar loss stories. Almost like to the T, which is like really insane. Which I'll let you talk all about then, let you talk about your dad in a little bit. But a little, a little behind the scenes BTS uh about me and Blair. So Blair and I lived together for all four years of college. First two years we were in the same residence hall, right across the hall from each other, and then we had such a good time, we decided we wanted to live in the same apartment for two years after that. And the shenanigans, it was shenanigans. Um, but I will say I curry myself a very level-headed person. I think I'm very level-headed. Uh, Blair has me beat. You're like, I think you are like one of the most calm, cool, collected people. Even if you don't feel like that internally. I don't. Um, I feel like you've always just been like, I was like, if I need someone who's gonna give me a very like steadfast, level-headed response to something, let me ask Blair. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Yeah, I think it's because I'm an earth sign, but no, speak on it. No, speak on it. Those things, those things combined.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

A middle child in a house full of girls.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

The Davis house was filled with women. So, but yeah, so like forever, I'm like, oh, I'm about to crash the fuck out. I'm like, let me use test blur if I'm being crazy.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

And she'll be like, Yeah, you're being a little crazy, but like exactly.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

I'll turn off the feelings.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Let's justify she's also a social worker by trade.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

So that I did take that.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

That does come into effect every and she studied psych. Like, there's all these things where she's just like, let's talk about the psychology about why you feel that way. And I'm like, Okay, analyze me.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

And it's so normal how you feel. Yes, you may be behaving a little bit crazy.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

This is what our living room sounded like for two years. We're like, it was four of us in this apartment, and we'd always be like, We need Blair, and Blair would be like, you rang, and like emerge from her bedroom and be like, What's up, guys? Like, we didn't even know you were here, girl. You're so quiet. But yes, so we have known each other for a very long time. It's I don't even want to talk about it. It's been so fucking long since we've known each other, but it's been great. And I call Blair elusive because if you were to ever scroll through our texts, we're both guilty of this. I'm so sorry. Every 24 hours a response is sent.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

You have better excuses than I do. Like, you have so many things to juggle.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Yes, but also I've like always been like this. And so my poor husband, like, I feel badly because when we first started dating, he always says that like we we met on the apps, we met on Hinge, and he always says, like, I wasn't sure at first if you liked me because like I would have to wait like a smooth. I'm still not sure if you like me. I'm like, this is gonna respond and like have like a really nice like novel response and whatever. But in my mind, it would take one, it takes me a long time to um not to formulate a response, that's not fully true, but like it just, I don't know, my get to the mindset of whatever this person's talking about. And I'm I'm very much, unfortunately, I am like I am the type of person, like I am where my feet are planted. So like if I'm with you right now, I'm here with you right now. So if somebody else texts me, I'm like, I can't even metabolize what you're saying right now. And like I will respond to you as soon as I'm done with this. Yeah. But unfortunately, after I have forgotten now to respond. And so then I'll remember like tonight, I'll remember at like 1 a.m. Like, oh, like I meant to text this person back. And then I'm like, well, now it feels like it's too late to text them back. So now I'll text them back in the morning. Yeah, and then you know what I mean? So it's just like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

And so That being said, like if it were an emergency, like I know Blair's coming. She has saved your girl once or twice in the past because I'm like Blair.

SPEAKER_01 5:13

If you call me, especially, if you really want to talk to me, you should call me. I will answer. Correct. And I will be there. I just like may or may not respond to it.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

To a text, which is 100% valid. We don't even need to talk about how many unwritten speaking of, let me put this on DD because what are gonna do the people don't need to know what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

I would say I would put mine on DD, but I'm not gonna be. You're not gonna respond to them anyways.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

So it doesn't even matter.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

I've been you've never been less disturbed in your entire life. I'm screaming. Okay. So sorry. No, it's funny. No, it's great. It's like what makes you it's like your thing. Like if I'm talking to Slora Meg and I'm always just like, like, have you talked to Blair? And I'm like, I texted her, and then she eventually responded, like, sign of life, proof of life has been sent. Like, but I know she's doing well.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Because if you weren't doing well, you would let us know.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

News is good news very much, so yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

150%.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

Yeah, for the most part.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

For the most part. Like if it's something major, let us know.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

If it's a little thing, you're just like, I'm dealing with which is like a constant state, yeah. Like new motherhood or whatever. I think people are just like always overwhelmed.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

So yeah. It's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

So that's why I like I am where my feet are blanted, which the majority of the time is with my baby, and I like just can't.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

I where else would you want to be? Like, he's great. He's he's the best. We were just vibing over down here earlier. And I was just like, Blair, if if he wants to be a guest, she's like, you can't afford him, and she's right.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I know no, no, no. He's so he's so rampunctious. He's the best. But he's he's not crawling somewhere, he's standing on something.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

And I just saw him, what, in September? Yeah. And he was not that mobile. Like in two months, he's like he was like playing with my phone. It was great. Yeah. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Wants to stick his fingers in a soccer bus.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

He's like very also, I will say, like, you guys, obviously, those of you who know Blair, know Blair, but those of you who don't don't. And like, married mom Blair when just not too long ago, we were like, what even is a boy?

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Truly.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Now you're surrounded by them.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Yeah, very bizarre.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

You're still just like, am I supposed to be here?

SPEAKER_01 7:13

When I found out I was pregnant with a boy, I was like, What the hell do you want to know? I barely know a boy. You know what I mean? Like, I met I met one boy.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

One boy. And we lived together. Actually, no, that's so real. What is a boy?

SPEAKER_01 7:26

Like, my husband was my first boyfriend. I didn't have any brothers, like, or anything, you know, so I just like it was just like us and like my dad. Yeah. That was like it. So what is a boy?

SPEAKER_00 7:37

What is a boy? We'll we'll find out. You're learning slowly but surely. You're like, they're actually crazy.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

They are, they're so emotional. And someone should tell them.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

They're not ready to have that conversation. Maybe the next episode we'll talk about that, but it's fine. Woo. Enti who back to the conversation at hand. Because this isn't the boy club show. It is actually the boy club show. The show has never been more centered about men in its entire life. That's not my brand at all. But it is a show about dads of the dead persuasion. Um, and so, Blair, tell us a bit about your dad. Um, and then tell us like your whole story with your dad and his passing and all that good stuff. Okay. Not so good stuff. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

So the pre-stuff was good. The pre-stuff was 10 out of 10. I had a great dad. His name was James, James Davis. He was a fantastic father. So my um parents met in law school like a thousand years ago, and by that I mean like 35. And they, you know, fell in love basically. Well, my dad really fell in love with my mom. He was like, they were friends. Mom's about, I'm gonna marry you. And she was like, Well, I'm busy. Yeah, I'm the lawyer. But he, you know, he's just a good dude and like uh he was a good friend, and you know, she knew he was somebody that she could rely on and blah blah blah. So she always jokes that they were like never together, they were just like engaged one day, kind of thing, because she just like knew, like, yeah, this'll work. Yeah, the dream, honestly. Yeah, like when she realized like they could be together, she was like, No, this'll work. We can get, you know, we'll we'll we'll have a beautiful life together, kind of thing. And like that's kind of just like how he was like a really dependable person, like a really fun person, really, you know, lighthearted, but also just like he was really good at like having community and building community, and he had a lot of friends and people who just like loved him. He was just like so many people's favorite person, including mine. Like, I was such such a daddy's girl. Like, for I mean, even when I was like little, like a baby, he was just like my favorite person. So my mom would always joke that like I didn't, I was like one of those kids, like one of those stranger danger kids that like didn't like anybody except my dad. Yeah, like I well, of course my mom too. She worked me and you know, whatever, but like really like I was just obsessed with my dad. So um, because he was just like so warm, he just had like a really warm aura aura and and energy and presence. And so um, yeah, so you know, there were they had three girls, which I think made a lot of sense for my dad, especially. Yeah, you know, just like very much giving like girl dad.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

The OG girl dad, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

So um, yeah, and so when we were like away at school, my dad went to University of Maryland, go turps, go turps, then my sister went to University of Maryland, then I did, then my little sister did. So, you know, we really just like looked up to him and like followed, you know, in his footsteps in a lot of ways. And also he always joked that like, well, if you want me to help you pay for college, you'd better go to Maryland. How well I heard. Um, because you know, out-of-state tuition was just like it was like girl.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Which is so funny because in hindsight, the out-of-state tuition was cute compared to now. Like even in state at Maryland now is scary.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

I can even imagine. Like, truly disgusting. Um, so yeah, so we, you know, when we were in school, he would like he we were in College Park, Maryland, and he worked in DC. And so College Park was like in between work and home. So I'd like to call him up and be like, hey, I'm out of groceries and we live together in our apartment. And so he would swing up on his way home and take me to the grocery store and we would get dinner or whatever, and you know, just like hang out and like be in his presence was was always like a really like grounding, you know, thing for me. When you're feeling like out of sorts or just feeling a little homesick, which is like crazy because we were like 20 minutes away from home.

unknown 11:43

Please.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

But you know, sometimes you just like need that like piece of piece of home or whatever. So that was yeah, that was I those are like memories that I really hold on to as well. Like being sort of an adult, kind of an adult, but also like I need my dad, you know. I and and that felt really um yeah, beautiful in those moments. And then, you know, we so um I graduated, moved home after college, moved away again. Away is so crazy. Once again, like 25 minutes away.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

But you know, it's the DMV. So sometimes that 20-minute drive could take an hour if it wanted to. If it wanted to.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Yeah. So um moved for grad school. I like moved closer to Baltimore, went to grad school in Baltimore for social work, and then went when um I graduated from that, I was like, I don't know what I'm where I'm gonna be working. I was like looking between DC and Baltimore and Philly and like trying to figure out you know where I wanted to be. Um, but my lease was coming up, so I was like, okay, I'll move back home again. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

You can always go back home.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Always go back. Yes. Um, so I moved back home again. And um that was July of 2019. Um and then a couple weeks later, I met my now husband. So we had started we'd just started dating, but like things were getting pretty serious. Yeah. So I was like, oh, I'll kind of just like see this through. I was like still looking for jobs, so looking for like apartments in like DC. Um, but I was like, I kind of want to see like where this goes. So I was like kind of like dragging my feet a little bit. Um, you know, cut to March 2020, you know, everything shuts down. And I'm like, oh I'm you know, stuck here now. So I was at home with my my mom, my sister, my dad, and me at home. And then um, yeah, so that put a pause on everything, obviously. And then April 20th, 2020, my dad very suddenly passed away. We were all at home, like working from home. It was the morning, which like you know, we're all just I was in my room, which kind of what we all did. We would go where into our respective spots. He was like in the dining room on his laptop on a meeting. I was in my room, like doing, you know, on my laptop, doing work stuff. And then, you know, I hear my mom screaming, and I'm like, you know, you just like feel in your gut like, what's wrong? Yeah, this is something bad is happening. This is bad, bad. Um, so I was like, oh god, I like didn't even want to go upstairs. I just knew it was like, you know, like that. Um, so my mom's screaming and she's like, call 911, all this stuff. So I go upstairs and he's on the ground. I start trying to do CPR because I was CPR certified. Um I was, you know, so I'm on the phone with everybody's like panicking. So I'm on the phone with 911 talking to them, trying to do chest compressions with my dad. Like it was like a very, it was all so, it happened so quickly. Um, and the next thing I know, the paramedics are getting there and they're like, we've got it. Yeah. Whatever. Um, they did not got it. Um, none of us had it. And um yeah, it was really like it was so surreal. Like it still feels, you know, like five years later still feels like a dream.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

You saying 2020, like put I didn't even realize yeah, that was five years ago.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Five years.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

That's crazy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

It really doesn't some days it feels like we've been doing this for a while. Yeah, yeah. Years and years and years, and some days it feels like it was truly yesterday. And you can like, I can remember it so viscerally. Um, and like feel I can feel it, you know what I mean? But yeah, so it that, you know, it was just so sudden. He was just like there one minute, literally on a work call and just collapsed the next and was just like, you know, yeah, it was just gone. And so it was it was so sudden, wasn't sick, he wasn't, I mean, he had, you know, he had he was diabetic. Yeah, but like dad ailments, yes, literally diabetic, he had high blood pressure, but like as far as we were all concerned, it was under control, you know. He was like on medication and you know, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, he was on blood pressure medication, he was on, you know, medication for diabetes or whatever. So, like, as far as everyone knew, he was good. And, you know, there was nothing actively to be worried about. And so it was just so like I just remember just being like, there's no way, like this has to, I have to be dreaming. Right. There's just no way, just the most random thing. Um, which I think was I I think it's either way you slice it, it's really it's hard to lose someone whether you know it's coming losing them or not. I think there's different different things affect you about it. I think the thing that affected me about it being so sudden was this like anxiety that like anything bad, like anything could happen at any time. Yeah, like the worst thing that could ever happen to you could happen at any moment. At any moment. And that like really affected, I mean, and it still does affect me, but like that that really affected me for for a long time. Um just the like randomness of of life and like yeah, that really yeah, it's still it still eats me up. But I've always kind of been like an anxious person in general. Like when I was a kid, like my mom, when my I know, like my mom comes home at this time. So, you know, she would drive, you know, be coming up from DC or she'd be coming from Silver Spring or wherever, and like I knew she gets home at this time, and so she was late. I'd be like calling her, calling her, calling her. Where are you? Literally, literally hello, yeah. I'm like 12, like, um where are you? Yeah, I know that you're gonna be late. Right. She's like, I stopped at the store. And I'm like, You have a cell phone and you didn't call and you didn't say anything, or ask if I needed anything either, which is why she didn't call. Um, so I've always, you know, been like aware and kind of like anxious about the fact that like bad things happen, you know what I mean? Um, and you can't always you can't always plan for that. But you know, and this thought of um this feeling like you're you're in a good place, right? You're enjoying everything, you're enjoying life, and feeling like maybe I've had it too good for too long. Like maybe I'm due for something. Yeah, I've been a little too relaxed. Yeah, been a little too relaxed, been you know, bad things are happening to people all day, every single day. All around you, you know what I mean? Like all over the world, like terrible things are happening. And so this idea that, like, well, why should I get to not have that? You know what I mean? Not not have that or not, you know, be experiencing this pain that everybody else is having right now. And so, like, well, I'm having a good day, like, well, something horrible is bound to happen to like ruin this, you know? And so I think I really I've had a hard time with that since and like kind of trying to balance being, you know, having like gratitude and presence being present and not being like worried about what could happen or these things that are really ultimately like outside of our, you know, control. Yeah. Um yeah, so trying to but also trying to be using also trying to like use that to have further gratitude in a way too, where it's like yeah, terrible things happen all the time. So why not like enjoy and bask in and and identify the things that are going well or the things that are bringing you joy or peace or whatever, and trying to um really like name those things and like really experience those feelings.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

Do you feel like motherhood has made you more present in like making sure you're grounded in the things that are currently happening? And I understand also with the like caveat of being like, and everything is also scarier now.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Like two things that ultimately like more uh I would say more so it is the former. Like it is more grounding and more, you know, helping me to be more present and you know, to like because you have to, you know, the these milestones are happening and they're like tiny milestones, but they're major in a way too. And so I think it does like make your makes me more like enjoy those little moments because you you you're literally asked to pay attention to them, you know. But like I was saying earlier about the like ages and stages where they're like, are they grasping a Cheerio with their thumb and their finger? And you don't know to think that that's a you know milestone. Some big milestone should, you know, be aware. Yeah, but it is, and so I do think it has been like really a grounding thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

And also, and also the world is scary.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

The world is so scary. And if I sit and like think about it too hard, I do get a little, you know, I'm scared, I'm scared, yeah. But you know therapy helps and you know anxiety medication health of meds and I think also just like knowing my propensity to be that way and to be kind of like you know, the sky is falling, the sky is falling, and trying to like quiet that quiet that part. Like I don't have to focus on it because it's always present. So I like what I need to focus on is like the mindfulness, the presence, the those things. And so um yeah, so I I try to focus more on those because like yeah, the like yeah, the sky is falling, and yeah, I'm it's in the back of my mind all the time. I don't have to like Look for those those things, remnants of that. So yeah, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

But no, it does. What was your relationship with grief like before your dad had a pass? You'd experience a loss of that magnitude or even something similar before then, or were you like you were saying kind of like we were just kind of coasting along with life until Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

I feel like I have some experience with grief. Like I, you know, at this point, all of my grandparents have passed away. Um, and you know, in different ways. So my, you know, two of my grandparents passed away when I was younger, um, one when I was five, one when I was eight, and then uh my other two living grandparents, or living at the time grandparents, I was, you know, was able to build a close relationship with. And um my grandma passed away in when I was in college, my last year of college. She had passed away, and then, oh no, I'm lying. I'd graduated, but that's not the point. So um, she had been sick for a long time and she was on hospice, and they took her off hospice because they were like, girl, you're you're okay. You know what I mean? Like, it's you're air fine. How long can you be on hospice? Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

Not a long-term solution.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

It is not, and so she was on hospice for like a couple years, and they were like, You're good, actually. Not good, but you know. So she was taken off hospice and then they put her back on, whatever. So, and then my grandpa, he had um dementia and he had come to live with us. He had lived in the Caribbean, but he lived by himself um in St. Vincent, and then, you know, once he's they realized like he was like not doing well and he would like get lost and like stuff like that. They basically kidnapped him under the guise of like he was coming here for an appointment. Amen. And then they never let him go.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

And who hasn't had a grandparent come to America for a doctor's appointment and stay? Yeah, because I have too. Right, right. We all do it. I mean, listen, we were a different country then.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

Yeah. So they so he was coming up for an appointment, and then he just kept asking like when his flight was back, and they just kept telling him, like, basically, it's next week. Yeah, literally. Oh, you just have a couple more appointments, gonna get a couple more ducks in a row, and then we'll send you back. And he never he never um so he lived with us for a while, and this was while I was in college. I remember you. I remember this. Um, and then um, yeah, so then so he passed away um, you know, after living with us for a while, and that was like a hard thing too. Like just seeing somebody that you love go through decline in that way, dementia, Alzheimer's, anything like that. It's just it's really it is hard. Um, you know, there are my family is the type of family that you don't take shit seriously. You know what I mean? They really don't take anything seriously, so it's like we do, but like also there's like always something to do. So, you know, with in all of these situations, it never felt as like all consuming as it did when my dad passed away. It was kind of one, they were expected. Right. And two, I think just like because of I'm not a super religious person, but my family at large is very religious. And I do think that helps in the or helped me at least to have some peace around those losses. Just like knowing that, you know, my grandma was a very deeply religious person, and like she had told me even like she had made made her peace. She was right with the Lord, and she's like, when I go, I mean I'm good. I've done what I needed to do, and you know, I'm okay. Um and my grandpa was, you know, super Catholic, and you know, I know I know he felt the same. And so I I think that helped. And just like, you know, with older people, I do think I've my family is pretty good with um as far as you can be is pretty good with death. We talk about it a lot. We, you know, I've been to a thousand funerals, like just of you know, aunts and uncles and you know, people, you know, extended family. Extended family. I've been to so many funerals. We, you know, we take our kids to funerals, we, you know, we go to the funeral and then cut up at the repass after having a good time, eating, you know, whatever. Um, and so I think I've always felt like I had a pretty healthy like conception of death as a part of life, and especially when folks are older and things like that. It is like a natural part of life, and that's the way I usually try to treat it and then think about it. It was harder to do with my dad because he was 58 years old, right? And so, you know, he was God, your dad was so young. He was so young, so young, so young, yeah. He was just shy of his 59th birthday. I do think it is harder when it's unexpected.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

Yeah. Close to home.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

Close to home, so literally.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

In the home. In the home. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:17

So I think that was really um that really opened my eyes a lot. Yeah. I do think that by and large, I think we, you know, I remember like after my dad passed away that day. So he, you know, they're like, there's, you know, we've done all we can do. They're like not taking people to the hospital at this point.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

Oh, definitely. Yes, that's April. Trust me. Listen, I have more follow-up questions about that. So we'll get into it.

SPEAKER_01 27:43

So they did what they could do, yeah, and they like warned us of that. And they were like, This, this, there's nothing we could do. He's gone. Um, and um, yeah, and so you know, we're all like just completely shell-shocked, like just yeah, unbelievable. And then um, we're like, what do we do? Like, they're like, somebody will come and you know, you have to call the funeral home, and somebody will come get him. Like, they're you're just gonna leave him here. Right. Craziest thing. Hello. Right. I thought that was so crazy. So I'm like, I have to go downstairs. I can't I can't be here, right? I can't be here. So we call my my dad's best friend, we're like, help. Help. Yeah. So because he lived down, you know, down the street, so he came up um to help them move the pony. I'm like, you don't have people for this. Like, I just thought this was the craziest thing. Yeah. But mind you, April 2020. The COVID of it all. So I don't know how it would go in like a different scenario, but like, yeah, so I remember being downstairs with my sisters and somebody, I don't remember, one of us cracked a joke, and we're just sitting there like it had to be you or Kendall. Oh, it was me or Kendall. It was me or Kendall. Yeah, because my my older sister wasn't living there at the time. So she was living in in Rockville, so she, you know, was quarantining down that way and whatever. So we had to call her and tell her whatever. So me and Kendall are downstairs just why are we geekying right now? You know what I mean? What are we what are we doing? But you know, we have to, that's the only thing we know to do.

SPEAKER_00 29:24

The brain works in your brain was protecting you at that moment.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Yeah, it's like the only yeah. So we just just sit down there, just laughing. Um and crying back and forth, you know. Healthy combination. Somebody makes a joke, we laugh, laugh, laugh. Back to crying, back to laughing, back to crying.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Because like, why are we crying in front of each other? It's so embarrassing.

SPEAKER_01 29:44

In front of my sister, no. Um, no, no. So, but I think me and Kendall are the most alike. My younger sister are the most alike in that. Um, yeah, my mom, bless her, was in no state to be LOLing. She was not laughing. It was not shit. No. Can I go something? Absolutely. Absolutely. So she was not LOLing with us, and um Jordan wouldn't have either if she was.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

No, no, no, no. I think Jordan very much takes after your mom.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, um, yeah, and so that's just what we knew to do. We're trying to like entertain each other, trying to make each other laugh and because what else could you do in this moment?

SPEAKER_00 30:27

Like, it's just like one of the things we're like, this is so stupid. Like, what stupid is even happening right now? Like, where are the cameras? Cut them. Like, someone wake me up. Truly.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

So we, you know, and then there's like the there'd be the hard parts. We'd, you know, try to sleep at night. Yeah. It's really hard. And you know, I remember I like I couldn't sleep in silence for like months. I had to have something on. I had to, you know, pull listen to an audiobook, or I would have to like have the T I could I can't sleep with the TV on, but like I would have to let the TV go long enough that I would get so tired that I knew that once I turned the TV off, I would fall asleep, and then I could turn the TV off. Like it was like those kinds of things. Um and then, you know, would emerge in the morning and try to entertain each other and you know.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:19

That was that was what we did for the next like several months. We couldn't really go anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 31:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:25

Couldn't really, you know, do anything.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

You couldn't even like properly like have a celebration of life or funeral or anything at that time. Like you were really just like, and I I wonder, and you know, um, you can answer this. Do you feel like having that sort of space just to be with each other was helpful in a sense where you were just like in each other's faces? Do you wish you could have had like something more in that time? Because I know sometimes you're like, I just think I don't want to have to like deal with other people's emotions about the situation either. Like, I just need to process my own shit right now.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Yeah, very much both, because I felt really sad that we couldn't have like a funeral or something. I I felt like I wanted that closure, yeah. Yes, that that moment to yeah, I don't closure or something, just something to like mark correct that moment. And so I had a hard time with not being able to do that. And we like found ways to, you know, my dad always joked he wanted to have his ashes scattered at Bird Stadium in College Park. And we did not do that because we wanted to break in, but we did go to the I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

We went to the M before they, yeah, before they moved it. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Sorry, dad. Amen. And you know, sprinkled some there and like around and like whatever. Um and so, you know, we we did that and like you know, just little things like that to like help kind of like um mark you that moment in time or whatever. But I I had a hard time with with that aspect of it. I do think it in a way being in each other's faces like that and being forced to be in each other's faces like that was ultimately a good thing. Um because you couldn't run from it or run from each other, or like I you know, if if my my mom is having a really hard time, I couldn't hide from her. Cause I I do think that's a thing that can happen too, where it's like I don't want to have to experience her pain on top of my pain. And so, you know, trying to like, you know, avoid and all these other things. And like there was I I couldn't do that, you know what I mean? There's nowhere to go. Yeah, there was nowhere to go. So I think it was ultimately a good thing, you know. We would we would once we went back to work, you know, a couple weeks later, working virtually, of course. So we're we would go to our little corners again and we're doing our little work, and then, you know, 4 30, 5 o'clock, whatever, close our laptops and we'd have to, you know, come out. And we would like watch, we would just watch TV. We watched, you know, living all of Living Single, you know, or we watched somebody feed Phil on Netflix, like, you know, like travel food shows. Me and Kendall would play um Harry Potter Lego on the Switch. Yes. Or, you know, just little things like that to just, you know, be together and like distract ourselves, but also be present for for one another and like bearing witness to each other's pain. So I do think it was uh it was good for our relationship. I do.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Yeah, oh I'm sure.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Um and thankfully, I think we were all pretty relatively sensitive to one another's, you know. Yeah. Every day was different, and everybody's feelings every day was different. You don't know what's gonna come up on a certain day. Yeah. So, and you know, helping to take care of my mom because I feel like she, you know, I was her partner for 30 some odd years, you know. Um, and so she just she had a really hard time and she still does, and I think, you know, I feel lucky that I was able to be there for her through that. Um because I, you know, she would do it for me, so you know. So yeah, I think ultimately it was I'm I'm it went the way it was supposed to, and it went the way it was supposed to because like I had planned to move out, like I did not want to be there anymore, and I'm really glad that I was I was there and able to be there for them, and they were able to be there for me, and um, yeah, I think it was it was ultimately a good it it happened.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Yeah. And I imagine um, you know, not to be like, I know Blair, but like I feel like we respond to things very similarly. Um, so I feel like we both probably played a very similar role in these moments in our lives. And as someone who's just like holding a lot of things in at any given moment, I'm sure if you had been like by yourself or not around your family, who knows what like the today would look like for you, as opposed to, like you said, being forced to face these things head on. And like if the emotion comes up, like it's gonna come up and everyone's gonna see it because there's no choice. Like, I there's nowhere for me to go at this point. Like, we're all gonna feel these feelings. And like that as difficult as it probably was in the moment was probably like really good for you.

SPEAKER_01 36:31

Yeah, because I I could easily see a world where I, you know, living if I was still living where I was living before, or if I could move somewhere else or whatever, where I could kind of do the thing I like to do, which is like go feel my feelings by myself, and then when I'm feeling like better, come out and be like, oh, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm fine, yeah, everything's cool. Or I was really sad and I'm actually not sad anymore. But I was sad before. That's what I really like to do. That's like can be my my like toxic version of vulnerability. Yeah. Well, I actually am, I I already processed it. I'm actually I'm better now.

SPEAKER_00 37:07

I'm healed, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

So I but I'll tell you how I how I was feeling before when I was feeling things and I'm not now. So yeah, so I I you know really had to be um yeah, vulnerable and open and you know and and communal.

SPEAKER_00 37:27

Like, you know, it was yeah, it was a lot of shared yeah grief and but you know, also I imagine like big feelings about just being in your home still, like like was there any like thoughts of like do we even want to live here or keep this house?

SPEAKER_01 37:44

Like yeah, especially for my mom, because obviously like she owns the home. Yeah, um, but she she definitely did, and we we had a lot of conversations about that, and um but I think that like once the dust settles some and you can like see the forest through the trees, um this is what they had always planned, right? Or maybe not when they planned for it to happen, but the plan was always, and they always, you know, would tell each other like if anything happens to me, take my life insurance, like pay off the rest of the house. Yeah, like this is where you know This is the plan. This is yeah, this is this is our home for the long haul, yeah, kind of thing. So I think the reactionary part, like in the you know, immediate moment, it's like I don't want to live here where you know he died here, like I don't wanna um yeah, and you know, even like the seat he was sitting in when he when he died, like not nobody sat there for a while. Mind you, that was my seat. Oh no, that's different. So I was like, dang, daddy, but I have reclaimed the seats, right?

SPEAKER_00 39:00

And they also tell you not to make any big decisions, like in the first couple years, because they're like everything you're too make everything you're doing in that moment, you're doing reactionary and like it's based on feeling and not fact or logic.

SPEAKER_01 39:10

And like yes, with the knowledge that like it won't actually do what you think it's gonna do. You can't outrun like that kind of pain or grief. Like you can't if I move away from here, then I won't feel so hurt about the fact that my dad or my husband or whatever has died, like it's just not so. Well, yeah, you're it it goes with you, you know, it's always with you. Um, and I know this because I've you know, I moved not long after that. So I so he passed away April 2020, and then I moved out, it wasn't it was a while, but it was like I moved out that December. Okay, basically, yeah. So, you know, and it's and you know it's such a long process of grief and you're always in it, and it looks different and you know, at different times, but like I was still very much like actively grieving at that time when I had moved away, and like I really I you know that first winter that I was living here, like I had a I really had a hard time. Yeah, and I think part of the hard time was actually being away from away.

SPEAKER_00 40:19

I live nine minutes that's but like you was such a funny part of this lore, I will say, like, not even Blair's family lore, but our lore is like Blair and I essentially grew up ten minutes from each other, but did not meet till college. Like we went to semi-rival high schools, but like did not know a thing about each other. And I think I remember the first time I came to your parents' house, you're like, Oh, here's the address, and I like pulled into my GPS, and I'm like, nine minutes, like this girl lives around the corner from me, and you truly did live around the corner from me, and now you still live around the other corner from your mom at this point, like like in a square radius of each other, they're all so close.

SPEAKER_01 40:57

And like, don't get me started on my husband's family, like we all live right on top of it. That's why father-in-law just satisfy because he was driving past because he lives around the corner that way. Yeah, it's in the same direction as my mom might. Yes, they live like four minutes apart.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

Yes, everyone's in the neighborhood. It's great.

SPEAKER_01 41:14

Um, in a bad way, but also in a really good way. So yeah, so I think like, you know, just being together all of the time was a really good thing. And it was like a helpful it was a helpful thing. And then when I moved out and realized like not that I was I wasn't alone. Like my husband was really helped, you know, he really was there for me, he really helped me a lot, but I was alone in those feelings because he wasn't experiencing it in that way. So used to being with people who were in that same Your OG family unit. Yeah, so yeah, mind you, I I go over all the time.

SPEAKER_00 41:55

So really was okay, but but it's different, like it's so different because you're just like you you don't get it, and like respectfully, like you don't get it. Like you don't, you don't, you know, you don't know ball.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

Yeah, yes, that's exactly right. That's exactly how I would say it.

SPEAKER_00 42:11

I'm screaming. I'm dead. Um oops, never mind. I'm alive. Yes, I'm alive, but I'm dead. Um, I would love to talk about the Zach of It All because I love when you I love oh timeline refresh. Um, because I was like, did Zach ever meet Blair's dad? And like that was like gonna be my next question is like, did they get a chance to meet? And sort of which yes they did. And so like I'm sure that brings you a lot of like it does.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

Ah because yeah, the other way is just like yeah, it it brings me a lot of um, yeah. I'm just glad that they were able to meet. I I feel so I like I said, we started dating July of 2019, and then my dad passed away April 2020, so not quite a year. Um and of course, like we're just like bringing any snow home. Hello. Hello, so you're a traditional girl. Around Thanksgiving of 2019. Um, no, you know my dad met him for the first time. Homecoming.

SPEAKER_00 43:17

Oh do you remember that homecoming? Yes, yes. I remember this, I remember because I feel like I mean, like we had yeah, that we knew of Zach, but hadn't like properly met him yet till then.

SPEAKER_01 43:27

Yeah, yeah. And my dad met him at homecoming, which is a really funny way for my dad to meet him because my dad was like King of Homecoming. King of Homecoming. Yeah like Terrapin Club. Down Terrapin's Downa. Daddy has he's in tickets. He was very serious about it. And so like him meeting my boyfriend for the first time was like in my mind, would be this like momentous thing, forgetting about the fact that, like, oh, he's at homecoming, he doesn't care about anything. Like, we are about to he's about to go to the game, right? We weren't going to the game, nope, all his friends are here, he's busy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing his own thing. He came, met, he was like, hey, how to go everyone? Yeah. Oh, great. Okay, cool. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so gotta go sports. Yeah. Meet up with some people start.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 44:12

And so I'm sure for Zach it was like very abrupt. But um also was good because it kind of like eased it up.

SPEAKER_00 44:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Low stakes. Very low stakes. Right.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

Because like that is not actual what we're here to do.

SPEAKER_00 44:25

Honestly, the best choice you made is having him meet before the game. Yes. Because the one thing the Turps are gonna do is disappoint at a homecoming. At a homecoming football game. And so had it been after, you would have been like.

SPEAKER_01 44:38

Yeah. Yeah. So mind you, we wouldn't know because we didn't go to the game.

SPEAKER_00 44:42

No, we went to the bar, but it's fine. That's where we live.

SPEAKER_01 44:45

Yeah. So I didn't find out until like later that night whether they won or lose.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

We never know. We never know.

SPEAKER_01 44:51

I uh so yeah, so they met there and then he came by on thing that Thanksgiving. Um and like Christmas and stuff like that. So they had they had met like several times, but I do feel like I wish they had gotten to like really like know each other. Yeah, know each other.

SPEAKER_00 45:09

I'm sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:10

Um so yeah, I I I often feel like a little just sad about that because I'm like, oh you guys don't really like each other. You know what I mean? They liked each other, but like you know, when you really get to know something like that.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

To lock in.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

Yeah, and then of course, like now I have my son. Yeah, that like always eats me up inside. And especially like when I was pregnant, I really I was like really like broken up about that. Like that really upset me, and it still does in ways. Um but you know, it yeah, so that that feeling like comes and goes just because damn, like you would yeah, like you know, Teddy does something of like oh my dad would have found this hilarious, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

A boy for him to hang out with, finally, you know.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

Yeah, watch sports with, yeah, you know. I mean, I whatever.

SPEAKER_00 45:58

We'll watch sports with, yeah. I did, you know what? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:02

Um, because Teddy loves TV, he loves anything that's creepy. So he would have watched a sport.

SPEAKER_00 46:07

He's his mother's son.

SPEAKER_01 46:09

Exactly right. So yeah, so that that that I really had a hard time with that when I was pregnant. Just like all the you know, hormones and everything, and then just that like that fact that like my dad is never gonna meet my son. Like that really like hurt me deeply and still does. So, um, yeah, so that sucks. I hate that very much. Um, but you know, there's it's one of those things where it's like there's nothing to be done about it. Right. Like I can feel bad about this, but then what, you know? And I have to, you know, like I said, I'm like not the most religious person in the world, but I like to comfort myself with the idea that my dad is like seeing it. Yeah, HD view of the whole sit. Yeah. And so that does bring me some some comfort. Um because I think I am more religious than I get myself.

SPEAKER_00 47:00

Yeah. Yeah, girl. Yeah, girl, trust me. The ultimate debate. Um like, am I a warrior for Christ?

SPEAKER_01 47:11

Like this ultimately. Yeah, I think I might be. And in moments like a crisis, you know, my dude's dying, and I'm like, deep in my prayer bag.

SPEAKER_00 47:23

Right. I have never asked you for anything.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

And it is funny because I'm like, so those are like, you funny bitch. But at the same time, but at the same time, you wanna be funny. Yeah, to go over here asking girl for stuff. But at the same time, I'm like, maybe that does show that like in moments where I'm really at my most volatile level, like I do tend to err a little.

SPEAKER_00 47:53

You're like, what am I rooted in?

SPEAKER_01 47:54

What am I rooted in? What am I rooted in? Yeah, I think, yeah, that's exactly that's a good way to think. Yeah. Um so yeah. So when that was happening, I'm like, God, please, like, I you know. Right. And then um, you know, since then, just like thinking about like the idea of like Kevin and the idea that my dad is like somewhere watching over us. Yeah, you know, um it's brought me a lot of comfort. Yeah. So, you know, I I I choose to hold on to it.

SPEAKER_00 48:22

No, amen. Because I'm sure also, like, I know sometimes I'm just like something will happen. I'll be like, oh, that was my dad. Like he's making his presence known in this moment. Like, you're funny, I see you. Like, stop flickering the light. I'm scared.

SPEAKER_01 48:34

I'm scared of the dark, Teddy. My sister said that when she when she was at my mom's house, she lives in North Canada, but she was at my mom's house and she had Teddy and she took him down to the basement. And Teddy goes down there with my mom all the time because she watches him. But when she went out, when he went down with my sister, she said that like he just was like staring at something and she got freaked out. She was like, Okay, let's go back there. She's like just staring at the bottom. What are you saying? What are you saying? And I was like, Maybe it's you know Hello. I mean, they do say babies and pets, they and I'm not gonna get into all the lore of my husband and his family. Oh yeah. They, you know, you know, some people are like just like uh tapped into something, yes, some others. Yeah, so yeah, he's like reluctantly tapped into some stuff. So amen. Yeah, so maybe Teddy might be doing, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 49:25

Oh my god, Teddy, no, I'm not. Teddy got us. We pray at the church. Yes, that's right. And I will say also, like, pre-Teddy, there was a wedding, and I feel like you handled your wedding with such grace. It was like one of the most beautiful events I ever attended.

SPEAKER_01 49:42

I'm like Teddy's putting it more than lightly, please. You officiated my wedding.

SPEAKER_00 49:47

I did officiate, I did officiate Blair's wedding. Here's the thing when we were in college, I would I found out you can get ordained online, and I did. It took like five minutes. Of course you did. And I remember I was walking around our hall. I was like, you guys, I'm an ordained minister. And if you scroll far back enough on my Instagram, you will see I did post my uh certificate on that. To prove that my marriage is legitimate. Yeah, well, not her my ordination, yes. Because I was just like, one day someone's gonna ask me um to officiate their wedding. And I said it to you in such jest when you were like, Oh, like, um, you know, Zach and I are engaged. Oh my god, it's so amazing. And I'm like, yes, queen, like just so you know, I am ordained, like, you want to do like that LMK. And you're like, I'll let you know. And I was kidding. A few months later, she's like, So, how serious were you about this? And I was like, babe, say the word, I'm in it. Like, I've never I love to commit to a bit, and like I felt so honored and like so happy. Like, you were just like, Will you please do this? I'm like, Babe, I would love to do that for you.

SPEAKER_01 50:50

You had said this to me in jest, and of course I come running home. Zagree. Maya said he was like, Oh, oh, that could be kind of. I was like, that could be so I'm like, no, actually, just like sit and think on it, you know what? We like did like next to nothing at this wedding. Um, but then in my mind, I was like, and Maya will marry us. I don't know where we're getting married, but Maya will do it. I don't know when or where or whatever. Like Mike will be wearing us. One detail, yeah. Two action. That's right. So yeah, so yes, you married us, which was like so wonderful. And people spoke so highly of you. People really loved amen. Yeah, because you were so funny and so sweet, and people just like you were the most beautiful purple suit. And people really loved it, and I loved it. It was so yeah, it was so just like personal and funny and like and it was so you guys, anything like that.

SPEAKER_00 51:50

Yeah, it's just like very like I think what I really see in your relationship with Zach and how he's so reflective of you is that you guys both really value the things that are core to your lives, like your family, like your friends, the people you've chosen to surround yourself with, but you're not these like big flashy, like we need to have a bajillion dollar wedding and X, Y, and Z. You're like, the whole point of this is that like we really like each other a lot and we want to do that five ever. Like, we want our people there to celebrate it. So, how do we make that happen?

SPEAKER_01 52:16

Yeah, yeah. And we like looked at, you know, different places to do it and different ways to do it and and all types of stuff, but we knew we wanted something like not, yeah, not too flashy, not too expensive, because we're like, oh me, you know what I mean? Like we have we have plans and goals um that do not include just like having a really nice day. Right. You know what I mean? So um, yeah, so we we just like knew we didn't want anything too like precious or we wanted like people to have a good time, and we importantly, we wanted to have a nice time, right? You know what I mean? Like sometimes I not to whatever, but I I do think sometimes weddings can like look really good, but I'm like, but did you as the people were getting married, like, do you have a nice time? Did you enjoy yourself or were you stressed the whole time? Yeah, were you stressed the whole time? When some people it's like they had a nice time, or they you know, were stressed up until you know it got to like 10 p.m. and now we're you know, now I'm things and now I'm like whatever. I just like wanted to have like a nice day and you know, not yeah. So we'd got married in my in-laws backyard and we had tents, and you know, we we tried to dress it up night, it was beautiful, you know. We we wholesale bought a bunch of alcohol and stuff from Total Wines, and um, you know, we we just tried to keep it we got it catered from on the border.

SPEAKER_00 53:40

Uh very important restaurant in our relationship. Oh wait. So um in Columbia, Maryland, there are a handful of I mean, there's there's restaurants, there's our restaurants around here. Um, but whenever we were home, me and Blair would be like, on the border happy hour? Happy hour. Happy hour at On the Border. To the point where I think at one point we were seeing the same bartender there regularly. And I'm like, we're what 23 or 24 at the time, acting like 45-year-old moms in the suburbs. Just be like, can we get our queso con carne and six margaritas?

SPEAKER_01 54:13

Six margaritas.

SPEAKER_00 54:14

And we that's all we would have.

SPEAKER_01 54:15

Yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_00 54:16

Yeah, and banana. Oh, so good. The happy hour menu at On the Border. Really stops really good, really affordable. Haven't been in a while, but yeah, let's put it on next holidays when I'm back. Yeah, we'll go.

SPEAKER_01 54:28

So, you know, and similarly, like we want like what do I want to eat? Right. You know what I mean? Like I was like, I don't want no dried chicken or anything. I wanted what do I want to eat? What do I want to eat?

SPEAKER_00 54:37

Chips and taco. What chips and a taco? Those you did the little butt cakes.

SPEAKER_01 54:42

Yeah, yeah. Nothing butt cakes. We were like, what would be tasty and good?

SPEAKER_00 54:46

The fireball at the end, screaming. Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_01 54:50

Yeah. Ending the night strong. Yeah. Some people were doing rumplements, like, God bless them.

SPEAKER_00 54:56

Amen. They're okay. But it was beautiful. Your mom did those like gorgeous little handkerchiefs.

SPEAKER_01 55:03

Yeah, yeah. So we, yeah, we had a really good time. And we and that was another thing that, like, you know, I had a hard time with that too. That just like, I'm gonna get married and my dad's never gonna know, you know, he's not gonna, or, or he won't be there. Or I always imagined, you know, you'd walk me down the aisle or like all this stuff. So I just like thought I thought, I don't know what I thought. I I after he passed away, and you know, when I got engaged, I was like, I don't know what I'll do. Like, I'll just, you know, I'll just walk by myself, or like, I I don't know, like I'll just like pop out of the bushes or like the bro, yeah, literally. Like, yeah, but you know, so it literally wasn't until like the day before something that I like asked my mom, I'm like, You want to walk with me? And she was like, Yeah. I was like, oh, okay, like hey, yeah, sounds good, sounds like a plan. I'll see you tomorrow. Same time, same place. Yeah, just meet me back there. Yeah, I don't know. I just like I just had such mixed feelings about it, and you know, my uncle had offered, and I knew that like I didn't really want that. I I didn't want somebody else standing in in that way. Oh yeah. Because to me it wouldn't make his absence any less noticeable to me. Like, so I just yeah, it just felt like a band-aid. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:30

If anything, it's like shining a light on the fact that like someone else is standing.

SPEAKER_01 56:34

Yeah, yeah. So I I I went really back and forth about that for a while, about like, you know, he's like gonna be walking. And then I was just like, yeah, I'll just walk by myself. Like it's really not a big deal. Like, I'll just, you know, it's not all super long walk, like I'll I'll manage. Um, but yeah, then I just like I just wanted my mom to be with me, and you know, I think she she was glad to do it. And so that that ended up being a really like memorable, you know, so much of the day is like a such a blur because it just like happened so fast and it had so much champagne and like you know, whatever. So, but that there's like a moment like I I like is very vivid to me. Yeah, yeah. It's like walkie-walking my mom.

SPEAKER_00 57:20

What do you think grief has taught you about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 57:23

Well I think it's taught me a few things. I think it really does shine a light on just like your um or I it shined a lot shone a light on like my um maybe it's like just some of my propensities in life, like like my propensity to like hermit away and like hide, you know, any sort of like pain or um anything like that. I think that it made that very clear to me. I think it showed me a lot about the way I think about the world, the way I think about like family, the way that I want my relationship to be with my family, the way that I, you know, the the closeness I want to have, and like what it looks like to actually like be like close. Cause I think that going through something like that together made us close in a way that I don't think we would have achieved otherwise. Yeah, you know, like we're close because we spend a lot of time together, and but I think there's like a level of closeness that comes with like actually being like real and raw and vulnerable and like talking about you know going through you know hard things and like being open with each other about those hard things. Um and I think yeah, so I I I do think it taught me a lot about family and and how to be there for how to be there for each other and and what that looks like. Um and like I said, like it it taught me a lot about like the way that I look at the world, I think has has shifted. Um you know, trying to be present and trying to be like mindful is something that I I do take a lot more seriously now because like I always I mean like literally I can't tell you the amount of times I said since then, like, hey, look, life is short or unbearably long, like who knows? Yeah, it's you know, so just do what you know you gotta do what makes you happy and you gotta do what you know is good for you and for the people around you, and you know, so it it's taught me a lot about you know being present and being mindful and and like I think a lot about my dad's life and his kind of like legacy and things like that, and like I said, like he was a really good person, he was a really good person, and he was really good to people and kind to people, and I think I've always known that about him and like tried to you know emulate parts of it, but it really has helped me to see the importance of that because truly when you when you die what matters and what people remember you for, like people after my dad died, I couldn't even tell you what my dad did at the end of his life for work, yeah. No one really could, like, you know, that stuff just like falls to the wayside, yeah. But the thing that really people talk about, people remember, people your legacy really is like how you treat people and what your relationships like are like with people, and and like that is the stuff that has like endured after his life, like none of this nonsense, you know what I mean? Like now, whatever, like some people I think have a lot of you know, a lot of their identity is tied up in work, and I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that, especially if what you're doing for work is is you know uh helping people and part of the you know grander plan and blah blah blah blah blah. Great. But you know, that being said, you know, the people who are gonna show up at your funeral and and you know, cry with your family and take care of your your kids and your you know be there for your wife, you know what I mean? Like people really showed up in a really big way after my dad died, you know, friends of his who would, you know, some of my mom's closest friends now are some of you know his dad's friends, yeah. They really like looked out for her a lot and just checked in on her and were so consistent with her. And, you know, people for I mean well past a year just show up and just like bring her stuff. Yeah, you know. One of my dad's friends, you know, who lived down the street, the one we called when he passed away, he just show up, he would just like go to Costco, would just show up with just like groceries and snacks and treats and just for the longest time. Yeah, you know, just things to those like you know, pumps you can those personal pumps you can like blow up your tires with just like stuff, like just show up with just like stuff to just like help. Yeah, you know, and that's because of you know the type of person he was and the type of relationships that he built who he built those relationships with. And so I think, you know, more than anything, that's the stuff that is important to me. And um yeah, that's that's made uh that lesson like very clear to me.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:36

I think it's like one of those things where you're just like no, it is a good thing to be a good person. Like as much as you're just like in this moment, I just like don't have it in me, like it's it shows up twofold in the future, one way or another.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:50

Yeah, absolutely. So that's yeah, that's been an important, important lesson. You know, yeah, be good to people, try to show up for the people in your life, and and they'll you know, show up for you, you know, in life and in death. And you know, I know how much it would mean to my dad how much you know his his friends and family have like looked out.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:13

Community has shown up for sure. And like I can't, and again, like I mentioned, I feel like we uh wear similar roles in our families, and I know it's probably like a huge relief for you and your sisters to be like as much as you want to be there with your mom 24-7, like your life does continue to move forward, and like you know, Jordan's in North Carolina, like you're down the road, but you're still here and you have all these new responsibilities, and knowing that like the three of you don't have to shoulder that by yourselves, like there's other people you can be like, like we need support and help in this moment too. And like knowing like there are other people who are gonna show up for our mom, and like they're just like it just lets you like breathe a little easier, knowing like it's not just on us, and if it was the three of you would handle it, and like you would take care of it, and it would just happen if it needed to happen, but being like being able to sh share that load with other people is like yeah, such a relief, and yeah, so important, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:09

Yeah, and I think and I I'm sure you feel this way too because it's more too than just like you know, in the beginning it was really like looking out for my mom, and now it's about her having like a community and having a life, a life, yeah, a life, yeah things to look forward to, yeah, things to do, and and and you know, having like a richness to her life that's not just like you know this thing that's just like hanging over her all the time. And so that's been really um helpful. She's like, you know, her and one of my dad's friends are like besties now, so the two of them, the two of them like travel together all the time. I just I they go, you know, they've been to Puerto Rico, they've been to Europe, they you know, whatever like they have the best time, and it's so sweet that they're you know, she came to my wedding and my baby shower. My mom went to her daughter's wedding, and they, you know, like they've they're really close, and having her be like able to, you know, go and travel and like make all these new memories and stuff, I think has really given me a lot of peace of mind.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:25

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:26

Um because I worry, you know, I I worry about her, I always worry about her, you know, but she's really, you know, building a building a life for herself, you know, in a in a way that's yeah, it's meaningful and like moving forward, even if it like takes a while, like you're like at least she's taking a step in the right direction.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:45

And yeah, moving forward.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:47

And I know like your mom has like such a big community of people, yeah. Yeah, who I'm sure look after her, but beyond looking after her, just like you know, present, present, so present, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:59

My mom. Is never I'm like, girl, are you ever home? And she's like, No, I'm at dinner with so and so. And I'm like, you never want to go to dinner when I'm around. Like, where are these free meals for me? And she's like, You're not here enough. And if you moved back, and I'm like, Oh, pause. I'm not moving back. But also, take me out to dinner, ma'am. She's busy. No, she's literally busy. No, the traveling thing. My mom's been to so many countries in these last two years, and I'm like, okay, Miss Travel Bug, like, oh, so you can book a ticket. You don't need me to do it.

unknown 1:06:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:34

Just making sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:36

When you need to do it.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:37

She loves everything. Everything tastes better when I do it, right? Yes. Yeah. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:42

Yeah. My mom's the same way. She's been so many places in the last, you know, two, three years. But yeah, the last two years.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:50

We should make our moms travel together. Like, you guys go. Have fun. Have fun. Join a support group. Have fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:57

Now I but I'm like so jealous now. Like, I want to go places. Right. Nobody ever invites me to go. Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:01

Actually, could you watch Teddy and I'll go somewhere? Thanks. Love you, I mean it. Um, I will say, um, this is like kind of a shift, but not really, because it's I meant to say it earlier and I forgot because my brain doesn't work. Um, I'm always like, oh, Blair, like you're my level-headed, like my you know, calm cool collected friend. And I say that, and I don't know if this speaks to more your level-headedness, or more just like sometimes I'm like, how would Blair approach the situation? Like, literally, when my dad died, and I was like, oh, I have to like tell people, which is the most annoying part. Yeah, I so agree. You have to tell people because like clearly, you know, people need to know this thing has happened. I literally scrolled through our 1506 chat and I was like, where's the text Blair sent us? And I was like, because it was like so, you know, it was like well worded. It was like to the point. She was either like, hey, this thing has happened, this is what's going on, X, Y, and Z. I said, copy, paste to my notes, edit some details. Send it right back. And I was just like, you know what? Blair wrote it really well. And I like don't have the capacity to think right now to write something smart and meaningful. So I'm just gonna look at it.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:14

Don't get it both being a template.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:15

I'm just going to um paraphrase and uh copy this a little bit. Don't run it through Chat GBT, you'll find out it's a forgery. And but I was like, you know what? Amen. Thank you, Blair.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:28

No, it's so hard. It really is. For several reasons. One, because like, I don't know what to say. And anyway, what do you say? Like, please don't ask any follow-up questions. Please don't ask any follow-up questions. And also just like trying to like manage all of these. And you guys are great, obviously, because you you know, I knew when I texted you that you would text back and that you wouldn't be expecting me to respond, but not everybody is the same. No, not everybody's the same. No, and so I'm like, I just want everyone to know, and unfortunately, I am not open for questions at this time. Correct.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:06

I am not if I hit send on this text and then you call me, I'm blocking you.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:10

I can't resist. This is not a back and forth. This is an informative text. This is an informative text because I love you and I want you to know about this thing that's happening and you knew my dad, and like, you know, but like I can't I the president will not be taking any questions at this time.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:26

Thank you so much. No, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for stepping away from the podium. This was just an announcement.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:30

It was not an open forum. And you I know you know this because I uh went to your dad's funeral. There were one million people there, literally one million people there. Could not have been more people there at all. And so I felt similarly like when my when my dad mass, there were so many people to tell. And we had to break it up. You call these people, text these people, right? Text these people, you call these people, and like we had to break it up like that, and it's just like it's so daunting, which like beautiful speaks to like, you know, you know, yes, God bless. But at the same time, like, good God.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:06

Yeah, I will say in that moment, I was very um appreciative of the rumor mill because like and such a good point. My dad is funny in this way. So my dad died on a Sunday um in a foreign country. He wasn't even around, right? He was somewhere else. Um, so like, you know, uh, I was in New York, I like get this phone call, I'm like on the first train back to Maryland. Um, I like walk into my house, and like the expected characters are there. My mom's there, my brother's there, my godmother's there, my godsister's there, my aunt, my mom's sister is there, my uncle, her husband, like some of my cousins who are live in the area. They're already there, right? And like and I already knew people, no one was trying to tell me what was going on. I think they were just like, we have to get her, get her home, and then like, which is like a very bad tradition in Ethiopian culture. They'll be like, oh, like, you know, they're not doing well, come home. And like, not doing well, come home. Sometimes mean the funeral is over and like get here, but like, you know, just get here. So they're like, oh, like he's not doing like come home. Like, we think we might have to go over there. I get there. But I, being me, sometimes being me is the hardest thing in life. I looked through our security camera footage um on the train ride there. And I saw everybody. I saw people showing up at like two or three in the morning. So you're like, oh. And my mom called me at five in the morning. And when she first called me, because it was a Sunday, I was like, Oh, she butt dialed me. Like she's getting ready for church. She butt dialed me, but then she called me again, and I'm like, oh, something's wrong. That's when I answered. So when I checked the camera, I'm like, people are like entering, like coming to our front door at like 2:30 in the morning, three in the morning, coming, and then like going and then coming back. And I'm like, I was like, oh god, Amia, like stabilize yourself, girl. You're about to walk into some shit. So I like get there, um, and like all hell has broken loose. Um, my mom is like just on the on the bed, like totally gone, like emotional. Yeah. And like her phone is blowing up because like if my mom, my aunt, and my godmother didn't show up to church on a Sunday, they're like, something is wrong.

unknown 1:12:01

Totally.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:02

And something something was wrong. Super wrong. And so people like, and so like the people who are suspecting things start showing up, and like, you know, they're like slowly telling people by that afternoon, there wasn't a soul that didn't know. Because like, it was one of those things where you're like, tell the right three people, everyone will find out immediately. And that's what happened. And I'm like, you know what? Dad on a Sunday, good choice. Because like everyone knew, like, our house was popping by that evening, crazy. And then, like, on Monday, like, we had a thing at the church where people could like come and like holler in one collective space, which is you know, and then like don't really remember much of that week. Um, but I was just like, you know, my people do be gossiping, and in this moment I'm thankful for it because I only had to tell mostly the non-Ethiopians, because and then everyone's just seeming to be like, hey, like, so sorry. And I'm like, I'm over a wow, and I did not pack enough clothes. So now I'm like, I gotta go to Target and buy a thousand black things because we are getting in a plane in like five days. Oh my god. So um, yes, but that's all to say, like the people, the people do be finding out. They do.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:11

And now part of the problem on my end was I agree because if you so for example, you could tell I could tell an aunt and knew if I told the right aunt, she would tell the rest of the family. But the problem was there is how do I say with tact and coups, there is some discord in certain, or can be some discord in certain factions. And so then even having to think about the politics of like if this person doesn't receive the news directly and directly, is this going to turn into something else, which is so unfair. Yeah, you know, it's it's not right, but it's just like trying to avoid more drama. Oh, a hundred percent. It's like, yeah, so it's like even though I I it's like that's so ridiculous, and we shouldn't have to, and da da da da, but at the same time, it's like I don't want to even hear about it.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:03

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:04

That I that we didn't do this right way or blah blah blah. So let's just like bite the bullet and just tell these people that we need to tell. Yeah, and make a couple extra calls, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:12

Like, you know, and the unfortunate social media of it all, like I've heard stories of people who have found out their like mother, father, brother, sister, whatever died via a Facebook post that someone else posted before someone could tell them.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:27

Right. That's so ugly.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:28

So ugly. So yeah so ugly and stressful.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:31

You know, I have some relatives who are of the Facebook stream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In there and then posting it. The status was going up. They were posting live and then, you know, in the city.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:44

They're like live from the house.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:45

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like turn the camera off. Very much like wanting to like get ahead. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:50

Um, um, like why am I a PR crisis management? Am I Olivia Pope? Why am I getting ahead of the story?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:56

Uh I just want to cry in my brow.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:59

I just want to be left. I always want to be left alone in this moment. I want to be so alone. Yeah. I don't even exist.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:06

Yeah, so that that that's the part that like sucked a little. I I will say, like, granted, I feel like we did, you know, keep it cute. We we did what we needed to do. Amen. But I will say, if we did make any missteps or whatever, like people were really gracious. People were gracious. Yeah. Can I I I don't know. If we hadn't taken all of that effort on the front end and really like try to be in touch with my way, but but people were, people were, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:34

Yeah. Which you know, you would hope.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:37

Like, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:39

I'm gonna not gonna lie to you guys, my brain is broken.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:42

So actually, no, and that and that's a word about grief, yeah. Also, is that like you don't realize how much grief and trauma and all that stuff like really does affect your brain. Like, I couldn't think straight for like a smoothie.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:56

Dude, like dude, skinniest I've ever been in my life. The first half of 2024, your girl's never been thinner. What was the meal? It was not eating. I just like could not memory, couldn't don't remember a single thing that happened. I just know that here I am. Yeah, like I was not this gray before, like the all of it is they are at attention, like it intrinsically changes you inside and out.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:25

Yeah, yeah. So I just trying to work afterwards, trying to like manage life and and you know, whatever and not crashing out on people, yeah. It's so hard, it's so hard. Um, and so that's when people are like be kind to people, you never know what people are going through. Like, no, actually, because Lindsay is like it's not just like oh, something just like for a at least one year, at least minimum, minimum, but like honestly simply did not work three years, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:56

I think those first three years, like you have to give that person so much grace, yeah, and really like even if they're like coming at you and they look healed and like they're not, no, they're not okay. No, they need they need more space, even if they don't know it, they need it, yeah, and just give it to them, and like don't be all like weird about it, just like be present, but like don't be overbearing, yeah, and just like yeah, extend some grace.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:19

Like they're they're people are trying their best. They are really trying their best. They really are and you know, uh yeah, trying to get anything done is just like it was so impossible. And I really knew I was like dropping a lot of balls on dropping a lot, you know. Yeah, so I was aware, I just like I couldn't do anything about it. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I that's how I feel postpartum too, where I'm just like, I know, I know for me. I know, but there's nothing I could do about it. And what? Yeah, my knife are gonna just start working just because I asked it to.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:52

Yeah, I'm gonna you don't think I'm trying? I'm trying so hard.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:56

Hello.

unknown 1:17:58

Oof.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:00

I feel like you've dropped a lot of big gems on us. Um, so I will for my final question ask what piece of advice or what one thing would you say to someone who is like finding themselves navigating grief for the first time, unexpected grief, expected grief, whatever it is, what would you tell them, like hey, insert blank?

SPEAKER_01 1:18:24

Yeah. So I have a couple things, unfortunately. The first thing is like take it easy on yourself. Like like we said, it's not first of all, it it lasts, grief lasts. It lasts, it endures, it it it changes and it ebbs and you know flows and whatever, but it endures, and so it affects you much longer than you, you know, uh expect it to or think it will, or sometimes you don't even know that you're operating in grief and you might be. And so just like take it easy on yourself and and try to surround yourself with with people who really care for you and you know, and and take care of yourself. Also, I will say try to do something fun, like, and by fun I mean like something I I don't know, like pick up a craft, pick up a hobby, pick up a video game, even like having something, you know, you can't be too present in grief all of the time. Like having something you can kind of like tap in out of and into just to like, you know, I don't know. I I feel like really helped give yourself a break. I really feel like that helped me a lot. Um, so whether like for my sister and I, we like, like I said, we did video games and stuff like that, like just like you know, cozy games. When I moved here, I was playing Stardew Valley, like, what a great game. Like, please cannot recommend it more. Like, oh my god. Um, yeah, or or crafting or just something that you can like turn your brain off for little bits of time in a healthy way, you know what I mean? I I really feel like that that helped me a lot. Um yeah, I I in the early days when I I couldn't, like I said, couldn't sleep, listen to audiobooks of books I'd already read so I didn't have to like listen too hard, and that helped because I really feel like for a lot of people like sleep is really hard in the beginning. So, you know, finding just finding little things that can um yeah, like hold you up while you, you know, try to, you know, try to keep things light, but also be present and and be in your feelings. So it's like you you do both. You acknowledge your feelings, you feel your feelings, you talk about your feelings, and then you can take some time and like do those things that can like you know distract you a little bit or you know, let you allow you to think about something else, or you know, I read a lot of books. Like I I read a lot, especially like during that period, I started reading a lot of romance books, like things that were like so cozy. I knew it was gonna be a happy ending. Like I knew I didn't have to worry so much. I knew this, I know how this is gonna happen. Nothing bad is gonna happen. Nothing bad is gonna happen. Like I found those things to be really um comforting, and just having like those little comforts, I think can like it can really help you and support you in your journey of you know, of healing as you yeah, so you do both acknowledge your feelings, feel your feelings, talk about your feelings, and then take a break from them because it it's exhausting, it's so exhausting. It's so exhausting. So you have to like make space for all of that. Um and let people help you, you know. Don't try to like go at it alone. It's not possible, it's too much for anybody to to to handle. Yeah, you gotta you have to let people help you.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:10

Um, yeah, I think what we're not meant to do things alone. I understand, like, especially here in America, there's a very like individual individualistic mindset. Yeah, and I think we finally have turned a corner where people are like, hmm, community, and they don't know how to go about it because like in order to have community, you need to be community. You can't just want people to be present for you and not give that in return. And like in moments like this, it's so important to have that. Like you cannot and are not meant to do these types of things by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:41

No, it's it really is too much for anybody to for anybody to handle on their own. And it's yeah, so yeah, just you know, trying to uh let people be there for you and and you know, and then when somebody else is going through something, trying to be there for them, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:01

You know, we're all gonna go through it, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:04

Exactly that. Yeah, exactly that. It's so inevitable. Yeah, it's like it is a part of life, and you know, unfortunately, this is like not the end of my like grief journey because like that's life, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:15

We we we live and we die, and you know, the unfortunate risk of loving people is knowing you'll have to lose them one day, and like that shouldn't keep you from loving people, but yeah, something to always acknowledge.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:28

How not even like knowing how hard it is, because I like I can imagine how how you know, but like knowing what what what what was the hardest, you know what I mean? I think can help you to to to extend yourself for other people in your life.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:46

Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:46

Because a lot of I think the the problem is like you know you don't know how to show up. You want to show up, you have the desire to, but not knowing what what what can I offer of myself that will be useful, yeah, will be useful or be of service to you. Um and so, you know, just thinking about your own grief and like what was helpful to you or what you wished you had or what, you know, that can be helpful twofold, because when it can help you to like ask for the help you need if you're able to like sit and think about the things that you you might need, but also then you know when it all comes around and somebody in your life is is you know in need of support, you know the things that were hard for you, the things you wish you had, and and you can like offer that of yourself. So yeah, but also just like shit sucks, yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like it really, it really sucks, and um that's really that's really long and short. Right, beginning, middle, and end. Yeah shit sucks, shit sucks, and um yeah, it's hard. Yeah, it's just it is hard, and you just have to like go through it and keep going.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:58

Truly, yeah. Truly. Well, B Davis, I love you and I appreciate you. Thank you so much for literally one letting me come to your house and then set all my shit up and then like chatting with me um and letting me love your baby and all those other things. Um, but yes, no, I appreciate you. Um, I love that you're in my life and that you're my one. My own personal B Davis, one Tree Hill Hive stand up. Um you can find me probably not here specifically, but like here in the metaphysical of it. Every week, every other week. Still haven't decided when this shop podcast is gonna drop, but you can find us here at the Dead Dad Club talking about all things dead and all things dad. Um, thanks for listening, and we will see you guys next time. Bye. The Dead Dads Club podcast is hosted, edited, and produced by me, Maya Dowie. You can find us anywhere podcasts are available. Check us out on Instagram at D D C Pod. Want to send us a message? Hit us up at deaddadsclub at gmail.com. That's D-E-A-D, D A D Z C U L B at Gmail.com. We'll see you next time.