Grief, Loss, and Living On with Teri Fontenot

Widowhood is a reality many people face beyond 60, but it is rarely discussed with the honesty it deserves, and this episode goes there with care, clarity, and hope. In “Grief, Loss, and Living On,” Ruth and Fawn sit down with Teri Fontenot, former CEO of Woman’s Hospital and longtime board leader, who shares her deeply personal story of losing her husband after a rapid, devastating cancer diagnosis and the emotional whiplash that followed. Teri speaks candidly about how grief actually moves, not in neat stages but in waves, sometimes overlapping, sometimes pulling you backward, and she names the parts people often keep quiet, including anger, loss of control, faith being tested, and the exhaustion of managing pain and logistics while your heart is breaking. She also offers practical wisdom that listeners can use immediately: the power of a trusted inner circle, giving yourself permission to move at your own pace, avoiding major decisions until you are ready, and rebuilding a life through purpose, small goals, and experiences that bring joy back in. It is a grounded, compassionate conversation that will leave you feeling less alone and more confident that healing is possible, one step at a time.

About the guest;
Teri Fontenot is a nationally recognized healthcare executive and governance leader known for guiding organizations through complex, high-stakes environments with clarity and vision. Over a 27-year tenure as CFO, president, and CEO of Woman’s Hospital in Baton Rouge, she helped transform the system into a national leader in women’s health, earning honors including Modern Healthcare’s inaugural Top 25 Women in Healthcare and recognition as one of its 100 Most Influential People in Healthcare. Since leaving the CEO role in 2019, Teri has focused on board service as an independent director and SEC-qualified financial expert, currently serving on the boards of AMN Healthcare Services, Amerisafe, and Bitcoin Depot, and advising leaders on strategy, growth, and effective governance.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome back to Beyond 60 Unscripted. I'm Fawn Lopez.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

And I'm Ruth Williams Frankly. And as always, we are so glad you're here with us. This is a place where we talk about life, reinvention, and thriving in every season Beyond 60.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

And today's conversation is a deeply meaningful one. We're talking about middlehood and an experience that, while common in later life, is rarely discussed openly. Our hope is to create a safe space for honesty, healing, and hope.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Yes. Yes, indeed. Before we start that, Fawn, let's do a quick check-in. How has your week been?

SPEAKER_01 0:55

Well, uh my week has been a very challenging one. Um how so? Well, so I uh started the week uh with very excited about getting a new phone, new iPhone. So I uh mine is about six years old. I still have had this like old phone. So did you get a new 16? I got a new 16 and I was so excited about it and went to the uh shop and had it transferred. All my data, my old data transferred. And while I was there, um the technician asked me, okay, so do you have all these email addresses? And you use all of them. I said, Well, actually, one of them is an older email address uh that I don't use anymore. He said, Oh, okay, well, I'll take it off for you. I'll delete it out for you. Well, everything's fine. That sounds ominous fine. Everything was fine because I had still had my old phone. Yeah. But after I returned my my trade it in my old, well, I had a month, but I I decided, okay, everything works, so I'm gonna turn mine in. And you know, when they take a trade in, they wipe out all your data. So the minute I turned after I turned it in, I started seeing stuff. For instance, all of my um texts, phone calls, the only thing, the only thing that showed up was the number, not a name, nothing else. Because all your contacts were gone. Yes. So I I went to the genius bar and we spent two hours looking at it, and what they had discovered was that for the seven years I had that old phone, every new data new contact I put into it, it was recognized in the old email address.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

So it didn't go to your new email address.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

And then you know, with the when the the save option, the contact saved options, you have options to save it to the cloud. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's been a seven-year-old, it was a seven-year-old phone. So I didn't know to click on. I didn't realize that you're supposed to click on to save to iCloud. And the technician who transferred my data didn't think about that either. So it wasn't saved to the cloud. So do you have any of your do you have any of your contacts? I had some contacts from my new email address, but it only been a couple of years. Oh so my old all of my old email addresses um and contacts are wiped out. Now I have to re uh create them. So it's been uh it was a not a very uh fun week, but it's note to self, right? So I I I used, I I immediately went to my husband's phone and and backed up his old email address data onto the cloud because it was still listed as uh exchange, which was you know a Microsoft Outlook thing. But anyway, uh it's gonna take me a while. And it was devastating actually for for like a couple of days because I couldn't believe that it happened.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

I'll bet you know it can happen to anybody, not to self, you know, using iCloud and wow, ooh, that's tough. That's tough.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

All right, let's take a look quick look at this week's Beyond 60 bus, where we highlight a timely topic or headline that's shaping the lives of those 60 and up. So um one of the uh articles I just I recently read, um it is uh titled The Widowhood Effect, and it was written, um published in the National Council on Aging. So essentially the article highlights that uh about grief and that grief doesn't adhere to a specific timeline and can have a lasting impact uh on one's health and well-being. Studies have shown that surviving spouses may experience, may be experiencing uh increased health risks, such as higher inflammation level, which can lead to serious health conditions like heart disease. And that this effect has been um uh well documented by researcher. Um a 2013 study published by the NIH showed that people um had a 66% increased mortality risk within the first 90 days of losing their spouse. Um isn't that incredible? I had really, I didn't know anything about that, um, the statistics that you know the phenomenal is is essentially sometimes referred to as a broken heart syndrome, and which underscores how profound and enduring the impact of losing a spouse can be. And you know, reading this article makes me um think of you, uh Ruth, and what you've gone through since losing Ken. Um have there been moments where grief has resurfaced in ways that you didn't expect, even after all of this time?

SPEAKER_00 6:57

There are Fawn, and and I'll tell you from my own experience, um, I got stuck in my grief. Uh I'm embarrassed to say how long it was, but it was for seven years, and I don't know why that was a number. But anyway, uh still today, uh, when his name is mentioned, or if I hear a song, or if it's sometimes it's how the wind blows, you know, it just brings back a memory. And uh yes, it it triggers the memory. And sometimes, most of the time, I would say it's a very happy memory. Someone told me at the time there will come a day when uh the mention and the thought of Ken will bring a smile to your face and not a tear to your eye, but it still brings both. So, yes, what you said clearly resonates uh with me. And the other thing I would say is grief doesn't have an expiration date. Um, it certainly doesn't follow any kind of neat timeline or process. You know, we, you know, there's stages of grief that have been researched in literature, but people experience that differently. So this article reminds us of the variability of how people experience grief and how important it is to talk about loss and not brush it aside and try to cope with it by yourself or or however you want to do it, but just acknowledging it.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Thank you so much for sharing that very personal uh experience and and and sharing your insights with us. Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

And Von, let me just say very quickly, you and I have known each other for a long time, and and you were right there with me during that period of grief. It was just a tough, tough time. So thank you again for being such a loyal and supportive friend.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

I love you.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

I love you too, Fon. It's been a great, great experience. Widowhood can happen at any stage of life. But as we grow older, it becomes an increasingly common, though no less heartbreaking part of the journey. Our guest today has walked that path, and she's here to share what she's learned about navigating grief and how she has moved forward.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Terry, welcome. It's such an honor and a privilege to uh for us to speak with you today. So thank you for joining us. So Terry Fontenau is a visionary leader, former CEO of Women's Hospital in Baton Rouge, former chair of the American Hospital Association, and she's currently an independent director on multiple boards. Terry is also a dear, dear friend. We've known each other for over 23 years, ever since I started at Modern Healthcare. Um, but she's here today um to talk with us uh uh not as a business leader, but as someone who knows firsthand the complexities of loss. Terry, welcome.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Welcome, Terry. Thank you, Fawn. And it's such an honor to be here with both of you. You both in your own rights are very visionary leaders as well as very approachable, compassionate women leaders that I have leaned on, relied upon, and received counsel from. So thank you for the opportunity for me to share my experience with your audience today.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

That was very kind of you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

So to begin, um, would you please share a bit about your personal experience of um becoming a widow, what happened, how it changed your life, and how would how you would uh how you processed that tremendous loss?

SPEAKER_02 11:09

Well, it's it's a hard story to tell, but I'm now three years and two months away from it. So it's it gets a little bit easier every day. Let me just say that to start with. But the first indication that we had that my husband had uh metostatic lung cancer was in early October of 2021, when he was actually trying to repair uh a toilet in our house. And when he stood up, he said he had a really bad crick in his head, which turned out to be a tumor that from the lung cancer that had metastasized to his spine. After a series of being sent from specialists to physical therapists to finally an oncologist, he was diagnosed right before uh Thanksgiving. So about took about six weeks to get the definite, uh, the definitive diagnosis. And by then it was stage four, and it was really too late to do anything about it, other than to try to manage the pain. He went into hospice the end of December and he passed away on February 6, 2022. So we had about four months to, I wouldn't say acclimate, but try to figure out how we were going to manage this astounding, unexpected life event uh in a way that we could honor each other during this period of time. And also I could have the peace I needed to the extent that it is possible after a 40-year marriage to um be able to move on with the resilience that it takes, particularly for your children as well as yourself. So, you know, in my case, I had four months to to figure out how I was gonna handle this and definitely you go through the five or I do at the five stages of grief. Uh I got really stuck on denial because it took a while for the diagnosis to come back. We thought that's what it was gonna be, but I just kept thinking it can't be, it can't be, it can't be. And then once it did come back, and uh he did agree one round of chemo, and he said after day two, he wasn't doing that ever again. So um, so then I knew that we really had to think about how this was gonna end. It was a hard thing to talk about, mainly because he was in such excruciating pain the entire time that from the time that he had that first what he thought prick in the neck until he passed away. And so when I think about the stages of grief past the denial, anger is really where I got stuck. I really had a hard time with the anger. And I would say I stayed angry past his death and probably a year after that. And the main reason was because I did not, I'm I'm I'm a believer, but I did not understand how a merciful God could allow someone to go through that kind of torture. I just didn't understand what the point of the suffering was for that long of a period of time. And so I stayed really angry about that for a long time. And I have to admit, it questioned my faith. It made me wonder is there really a God when he or she could really allow that to happen to an individual? So, you know, I have accepted it, of course. I have moved on, and I've tried to put my life back together in a way that that not only honors him, but also um brings me joy and happiness for for the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

So, Terry, in those earlier days, um, was there a moment, big or small, that marked a turning point for you?

SPEAKER_02 14:59

Well, actually, there is. I have a dog and he's a very close companion of mine. He was my dog. My husband pointed out every time the dog did something, it was my dog. After my husband would go to uh bed, he'd go to bed early. I would use that time to take him around to walk the dog. So I was walking him at night and you know, really trying to process what was going on during the day. And I I can remember the moment, it was about 10 or 10:30 one night. I was walking the dog around the block, and all of a sudden I felt my shoulders relax and I took this deep breath. And I think it was at that point that I won't say I accepted it, but I knew that I was gonna be able to help him till the end of his life, and I was gonna be okay after that. So from that point forward, it was more about I mean that's really when I changed the stage to deny it. Too I was already extremely angry, but it was at that point and it was so uh definitive, it was so noticeable that I still think about that. And to this day, one of the I used not like to have to watch the dog every day, but now that's one of the favorite things I do because it gave me such peace at that point in my life.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Well, Terry, first of all, let me just say again, I am so sorry for your loss. Um and and again, uh I just just wish for you all the happiness as you continue this journey. Um, I want to go back to something you mentioned a few moments ago about the stages of grief. Um walk us, our audience and and and us through that first time when you you you talked about denial, and then you talked a lot about anger, and you you touched on all five stages really. Um take us back to your feelings and and uh what moved you from denial to the anger place, and you touched on it a little bit, but if you could just touch on that a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Well, the denial part was before we had the definitive diagnosis. During that time, he was in such pain because he had tumors growing on different parts of his spine that would make him so uncomfortable. So we had started radiation even before we had a definitive diagnosis, because if for some reason it was a benign tumor, it's he's he still needed some relief. So I would say, you know, the denial and the anger were kind of mixed. Again, complaining about what is the point of all this suffering? Why does it have to hurt him so much? And it was mentally and physically and emotionally exhausting for me as well, because he was up at all hours of the night. He was on a lot of pain medications. He didn't, he had not accepted how sick he was. So he still wanted to drive the car and do things like that when he really couldn't, mainly because he was all such strong painkillers. Uh I wouldn't, I wouldn't characterize my journey as one from one stage to the other. They overlap, and sometimes you go backwards and forwards on it too. I was gonna I was gonna ask that. Talk a little bit more about that. Yeah, so you know, it was the first two stages for me, the uh denial and anger that were the most profound in and yeah, and but then beyond that, I felt like I moved to the other ones fairly quickly because you know, just as you two strong women are, we're planners and we're controllers and we're gonna take charge and fix it. So, you know, part I think my anger was I couldn't fix this. Yeah, that was very, very frustrating because I could not fix it. And I think that's part of my denial stage as well, surely there's something I can do. I've got a network of colleagues, um, worked in my whole career in the medical field. I know a lot of people. Nothing, none of that would help. None of it was helpful. So it was such a feeling of uh lack of control and futility that really bothered me a lot. I won't say that I cried a whole lot during this period of time because I was angry and I don't cry when I'm angry, but I also was so hell-bent on making this the best situation it could be in the time that we had left.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Um, so I can recall those days. And again, um I echo what Ruth said. I'm very sorry for your loss. Um, and thank you for for your willingness to share your experience with us. It's very courageous of you. Um I have a question about uh support. So during the hardest moments, who so I think it's your dog partly, or what helped you the most? Um, was it friends, family, your your dog, faith, community, or maybe something else entirely different?

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Yeah, all of the above. And Son, I'm glad you brought up your role in this because I couldn't have done it without you. I mean, Son would be on the phone with me all hours of the day and night, because as she said, we knew each other for 23 years. We had gone through challenges in our professional lives, in our personal lives. So we were much more than colleagues. We were, I consider Vaughn my best friend. So uh so from that standpoint, she knew me, she knew Gerald, she knew my family, she knew my children, she met them. So I can't understate the importance of a close circle of friends. You don't need to have 20 or 30 people out there that you're having to repeat your situation to, or or or unless that makes you comfortable. But for me, small circle of friends that I didn't have to keep repeating things to, but would help me mostly just by listening, just with me, because I didn't really want to burden my children with this. My dog's a pretty good listener, but he could he couldn't really help me know if I was going down the wrong track. But I think it's people that are not necessarily your family, but are close friends who know you really well and can help you find that place that they know that you're going to be most comfortable in. And that's what Fawn and many, many other people did for me as well, and that helped me so. Much and also the fact that I had you know the four months to process this. I have a very dear friend who her husband went to bed one night and he was perfectly fine, and she woke up the next morning and he was gone. And seeing, I don't know which is better, either anticipating it and going through the stress and the trauma of knowing what's going to happen, or having it hit you so quickly that you don't really have time to go through all of those stages. You just have to deal with what's in front of you day to day and put your personal emotions on the back burner if you have time to deal with that. Both my parents are deceased. My dad died suddenly from a heart attack. My mother had congested heart failure and it lingered for many years. So I've experienced both of those personally with my parents. There's I'm, you know, I'm not going to say either one is good because it's nearly good when you lose a spouse or a loved one or a parent. But, you know, it's it's it's just different. But as far as the way you respond to it, I think the main thing is is the timing of how you respond. But I suspect that most people go through the same stages of grief. It's just made in a little bit of different horror.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

You know, Terry, um, I uh I have lived this journey as well, and it's it's not easy. Um tell me how did you handle all? You have a big had a big job uh during this time. And uh when when my husband passed away, I had a big job. Talk a little bit about how you dealt with that, with that part of your journey, because you know, everything you have already said has resonated with me. And you you're trying to do your job, you're trying to be there for your spouse, and you're trying to deal with what you know is coming. Talk a little bit about that. How did you how did you deal with that? All your big job responsibilities and all the other responsibilities that you had.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Yeah, Ruth, I would remember when you're when you lost your husband too, and I'm very sorry about that. You know, it's it's the club that nobody wants to be in, right? That's exactly right. Nobody wants to be in the widows club. Um, but when my husband got sick, I had just uh maybe a year before that uh resigned from uh women's hospital as president CEO. I had moved on to the next chapter of my life, which was, as Bon mentioned, joining a number of boards of directors. I love doing that work. And I was blessed to have the opportunity to be invited to a number of boards, which required a lot of travel. So I had some flexibility that I don't think I would have allowed myself to have if I was still a sitting CEO. I said many, many times that if this was going to have to happen, thank goodness that it didn't happen while I had the day-to-day responsibility of running a large, complex organization. I'm not sure how, because I don't feel like I could have walked away for a leap of absence. My horde and my executive team would have supported me in that, but I just wouldn't have been comfortable doing it. But then I would have also had the guilt of not being home and spending every moment that I could with my husband, knowing that the his time was limited. During the time that he was sick, that was still on the tail thing of COVID. So most of the board meetings that I was involved in were done uh virtually. And that actually helped because I could stay engaged, I could get, I had something going on that was distracting me, but I didn't have to travel. So, you know, if it was gonna have to happen, it it happened in a way that took some of the the guilt and the decision making off of me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

So Terry, um is this is a hard conversation for me, I just have to admit that. And you're you're so inspiring, you're so strong, and um, I really appreciate that. So as you look at your life today and compare it to those initial days, weeks, months, after Gerald's passing, in what way are you different? And in what ways are you still the same?

SPEAKER_02 26:36

Well, I would say that shortly after he passed, then I felt I was afraid. I was afraid of how I was gonna manage, if I was going to be comfortable living alone, because I knew even before he got sick, I had no plans. If something had happened to him, I had no plans of remarrying. But um, you know, I was raised to be an optimist, and I always try to find the silver lining. And I can thank my mother for that. But I looked at it in a way that, okay, what are the things now that I need to be focusing on that are going to bring me joy, that are going to make me happy, and also get on with it because as quickly, I mean, even though it was four months, it was quick when he passed, he was seven and three, which isn't really not that old. So, and I'm since you're here, I was six years younger than him at the time. So, you know, there were some things that I'd wanted to do that I just kept putting off and putting off. It wasn't that they were distasteful, it's just they never quite rose to the top of my party list. In particular, international travel. I love to travel. There were some big trips I wanted to take when I was working, but if they would take two or three weeks, I didn't feel like I could be away from home that long. So I had a bucket list of trips, but I had not started on that bucket list until after he died. And 10 minutes, 10 months after he died, I took a trip with an escort and group, but on my own. I wanted to see if I was comfortable traveling solo. I loved it. And so from since then, I've completed my my bucket list, and now I'm starting on a friend, a buddy who I travel with now. Now I'm working on her bucket.

SPEAKER_01 28:25

I love that.

SPEAKER_02 28:26

Me too. We both love to travel. She's married, but her husband does not like to travel at all. And my husband's been like, he wouldn't have minded if I'd done these trips, but I just never had the impetus or incentive to do it. And now it's that's kind of like the number one thing that I do in terms of uh you know, of wanting to make sure that I have done everything that I that I set myself out, going back to the goal setting that I mentioned earlier, that's part of my DNA. And now it's turned into international travel.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

So having a plan is important for you, right? And executing that plan. And I I can I can honestly say she is so busy traveling uh that it's hard to get a hold of Terry these days because you never know where she in what part of the world she's at. And I'm so happy that you have been doing that and have found so much joy in in the experience.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

So so so, Terry, I uh this this brings me to a question. We know that grief and and recovery uh are an individual journey. It's there is no formula, there is no equation, everybody's journey is their journey. Um, what would you say to others who are going through the grieving process, especially those who might be feeling stuck or overwhelmed? And I can tell you I was one of those people, but this this is about your story today. And what would you tell those people about how they can begin to move through it and into a new chapter?

SPEAKER_02 30:12

Well, I think it would be important for us to hear your story, and I would be very on which stage you got stuck in because I'm sure there would be some great learnings there as well. But you know, grief is such a personal thing that I wouldn't want to give anyone any advice about how they work through the stages. I can only share my own experience. And I mentioned earlier that I tend to look for the positive instead of the negative. So I try not to dwell on what I lost. I try to think about what I've gained. And I'm not suggesting that I gained anything by his passing, but it did cause me, as I mentioned earlier, to accomplish some goals that he wasn't blocking, but I just wasn't getting around to doing it. That plus um it's to me, it's just really important to focus on yourself and what's gonna make you feel better. And just because someone else went to counseling or maybe moved in with a child or whatever, that you know, that's their own personal situation. I wouldn't want to miss it. Now, one thing I will tell you is, and I've thoroughly enjoyed this, is I have never in my life lived alone until now. When I was in high school, I married a month out of high school, I married my childhood sweetheart. Aw, it's like a great love story. Oh no, it doesn't end well. This is the second husband is who I think, and he's still alive. Anyway, the the the first one, so I had a child two years after we were married, and two years after that, the marriage started falling apart. And so um by the time we divorced, then I had a job, and then I married Gerald when she was six, and then she let went and then we had a child together. And so I've always lived with someone, either my saying my parents or a husband or a child, and now at the end of his life with him for 20 years, just the two of us. So I'm I'm looking for the and enjoying, as I said, living alone. There's I've never felt lonely or lonesome because I have such a strong circle of friends, and I also have a daughter and her her family who live 12 minutes from me. So that's but you know, I just don't think about it in the terms of what I was. Certainly I miss him. Uh, we've had memories together, and there are certain triggers that will remind me of him, but I'm at the point finally where they don't upset me when I see his favorite recliner. I'm also he was an avid golfer. He was a really good golfer, and I was terrible, and I kept quitting, and then I'd come back and play golf again. And I'm playing at the same place where he played it. All the people out there know him, and they will often they still will come up to me. Oh, really? His nickname was Spy. They said he played like a dog, so that was his nickname. I didn't know that. But in obituary, that's what I put in the the name. Yeah. A lot of people wouldn't have known him otherwise. So, you know, so to go to the golf course is kind of bittersweet because it's a place where a lot of people knew him, not as much as me, because I was working all the time, but he played golf a lot. But they will they will share stories with me. And it's also a place I know how much he loved. He aggrieved to that one, that first chemotherapy treatment only because his oncologist said, you know, you're so healthy, otherwise, I think if this chemo works, we can get you back on the golf course. That was his goal. That's how much he loved golf. So uh from that standpoint, I think that's that is what has helped me heal a little bit and it helps me keep him close to me, but in a happy way.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Yeah, you covered a bit, sorry.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

No, because what you really said, you talked about the individualized uh it's it's an individualized journey, really. Um, in my in my own journey, I will just share very briefly. I got stuck because I tried to work my way through it. I was still in my big job when my husband passed away. I remember that. It was, yeah, it was just trying to balance that and trying to balance him. And he was sick for a short period of time, but I got stuck and it was really, really tough. And I think I what you said in terms of being away from that big job and and being on boards and having the flexibility to work from home, um, it it resonates. And I think what I'd like for our audience to know uh is that the the journey is individual, and I I heard that's basically what you said. And uh I also heard you say to be kind to yourself, and I'm not putting words, but to be graceful, give yourself some grace. It's okay to be angry. I heard you, and uh, I was plenty angry. Uh, and I the what I'll take away the last thing, and you said a lot of things, but one of the things that really resonated with me was uh setting uh uh going back to all goals and activating those. Did I say that? Did I that correctly?

SPEAKER_02 35:51

Yes, that that's an excellent summation of what took me many more minutes to say.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

No, but I I I loved how you shared the experience though. It wouldn't have it wouldn't have been as rich without you sharing all the pieces of that. So I'm sorry, Fon, you were gonna say No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 36:07

I uh no thank you for sharing your own journey as well, Ruth. I remember uh that time as well. Um, so you both are very um so inspirational to me as uh uh with how you have dealt with with your loss losses. So the the the question I had for Terry, you talked about triggers, right? Um seeing things, listening, hearing something, and seeing his uh things that reminded you of of Gerald. How do you uh process, how did you how did you do you deal with it when when that trigger happens? Um well that's what what are some what are some um techniques do you use?

SPEAKER_02 37:01

Yeah, well for me, they were it was the things that he loved so much. And when I would see them or experience them, then that was a trigger. So uh, for example, he had maybe a couple of years before he passed, he had bought a new car and it was a G. And I I'd ask him when he bought that car, are you going through an elder life crisis here? It was so I hated riding that thing, it was very uncomfortable. But my grandson, who was eight at the time, loved it because it had the wheel on the back. Anyway, I when he passed, I well, one thing I decided I wasn't gonna do is start making a lot of decisions. And I kept that car in my garage for a year and a half, and I never drove it, I didn't like to drive it. I'd have to drive it occasionally, just keep the battery charged and get the oil change. And I was paid an insurance premium. And every time an insurance bill came up, then I looked, it would that would be a negative trigger. But also every time I came home, I'd see the car in the driveway or in the garage. And it came, it got to the point where that was more upsetting than it was comforting to see that because I knew his vehicle was there, but he was not there. And at first it was uncomfortable because there was this big, you know, empty space on the garage, but I gave myself enough time to make sure that I was ready to do it. Uh, we also have a condo on the beach, and he loved this place, just absolutely loved it. And I still have it. I'm still trying to decide if I want to keep it or not, and it's a struggle because I know how much he loved it, but most of my family is really not that interested in it anymore. They we've had 25 years and they want to do other things. So that's that's another piece that's a very fond memory, but it's also it feels like it's pulling me back a little bit from moving on. So those are just two examples of the way I've dealt with it. Is I I made the fortunately, I was not in a position where I had to make decisions quickly. Financially, I could handle the pace at my own liking. And I it wasn't a situation where I had to sell a car, sell a house. And I know a lot of people are not in that situation, so I'm really grateful and blessed that I could do it on my own terms.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

I I that's a great piece of advice. Not making any big decisions, yeah, yeah, and just sit on it, right? Just just well not try to do too much at the at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Well, not making big decisions until they are causing you uh badness.

SPEAKER_00 39:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Terry I have one uh uh so T one final question for me. Um, if you could, and and maybe this is an unfair question, if it is, you can just tell me, what one life lesson, could you share one life lesson that you have, you know, I'm sure there are many, but one important life lesson you have gained from this experience, what would it be?

SPEAKER_02 40:21

Well, that I'm stronger than I thought I was, and that I can say that, I mean, I try always try to live my life so that I didn't have any regrets. And I feel like even though I'm so sorry that he's gone, and particularly that he had to go through so much pain, I don't regret the life that we live together, and I'm grateful that he was in it.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 40:48

What a wonderful, what a wonderful thing to say. That's just wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 40:52

So, my my question um is in a in a very uh similar vein. So looking back, or even now, um, what has grief taught you about love, resilience, and and strength? You've you you've learned that you are stronger than you thought you were, and the way that you carry um that we can carry those that we've lost into um the rest of our lives?

SPEAKER_02 41:23

Well, again, I think it's very personal to each situation and each person. But for me, I had the time to prepare for it, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I did. And uh also Gerald and I were, we you know, we had a very happy marriage, but we were also independent. So I traveled a good bit and I worked, and he did his thing, and so you know, I I sometimes I worry about these couples, and it's not my worry, but I wonder how they're going to cope when they do everything together, when they get their separate circles, but their own hobbies or interests, because I think that made this so much easier for me, because certainly my life changed when my life partner left, but a lot of the other things that I had in my life didn't change so much. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:22

That that that is a great insight because you each kept your independent interest and and did things together, but also did things individually. That's that's a great insight.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

So uh the title uh of of this uh episode is you know uh grief, right? How do we cope? Um did you ever feel pressure from others about how you should grieve or how long it should take?

SPEAKER_02 42:54

They probably I probably got some advice about that. Um but I I blocked it out. I can't remember anything specifically. The one thing that I guess the other thing I've learned about going through this process is I need to be a good listener, but unless somebody's specifically asking me for advice, I really didn't want to hear their advice. A dear friend, but that's just her style, and I know that I've learned to block her out about a lot of other things. She had not gone through a loss, but she knew has known me since I was in my 20s. So she felt like she could give me advice. And but I know her well enough, I I could also say, let's talk about something else. I didn't feel like that person that while that person knew me extremely well, they were really projecting what they would do rather than what they thought I should do, or that's the way I took it.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

Well, you know, even if even if you like you and I have both been through this at different different times and so forth, our journeys have been very different. I, you know, I could the way I went through it would be completely different from the way you did. And so it's with all of us, you know, even if you if you've lost a spouse, the individual journey is an individual journey.

SPEAKER_02 44:23

That's right. And I think it's important for any of us who have friends or family or personally are going through that to acknowledge that. And you project too much of what we went through or what we think they should do onto them, but certainly let them know how we worked through things, which is hopefully any of your viewers who are listening to this, maybe there's something here in my experience and Ruth in your experience as well that will help them or at least give them something to think about. But the main thing I think is to understand and realize you're gonna get through this. You miss well, you just have to change your focus and view and decide how you want to live the rest of your life without your life partner. And that may be remarrying or having another, you know, relationship, or it may be something else. And yes, well, that is okay. It's all okay. And and it's important, I think, for others not to comment or criticize on what you've decided to do unless they see that you are doing something that's not healthy for you. And that's when I think they should bring up, and whether it's family, children, uh, friend, close friends, they they could maybe point that out to you and then see if you're willing to engage in it. But but trying to push an opinion or a viewpoint, particularly from someone who's not been through that experience, is usually not very helpful.

SPEAKER_03 45:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:58

Well, I I agree with you. There was one, I read a book from a group, another grieving widow, uh, and one of the things she said, and I don't remember anything else in the book, but one of the things she said was give up on trying to understand why this happened. And that, you know, you you will never understand, um, especially if it's sudden and the way you've described with your husband, where it happened with my husband and many, many others. You're never going to understand. And so that was part of my anger and process. I wanted to understand why, why, why. And I had to give that up. And that really that helped that part, but there were other parts where I still got stuck.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

Well, thank you so much. Those are all great um tips and incredible advice. Terry, I can't thank you enough. Thank you, Terry. Part of this conversation for for being strong and courageous enough to share and open enough to share. So I uh am grateful for you and for joining us here today. And uh we wish you well and um looking forward to uh seeing you um doing great things, being happy.

SPEAKER_02 47:15

Thank you again for inviting me to do the podcast. Y'all were very gentle and easy to talk to, but I feel like I'm talking to big good friends anyway. So it was a joy to be with you. And I again I hope something that I said maybe will help your audience.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

Thank you, Terry. Absolutely. Thank you. I think it will. It's helping me, and I've been through it, it's still helping me. So thank you. Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_01 47:38

Thank you, Terry. And now it's time for our weekly silver lining. A moment of encouragement to carry you through the week. Ruth, what is our week's silver lining today?

SPEAKER_00 47:57

One of my favorite parts of our episodes. Uh, this week's silver lining font is this. Grief is an individual experience. It is not a detour, it's part of life's journey. Healing doesn't mean forgetting, it means making space for joy again in your life. One gentle step at a time.

SPEAKER_01 48:18

That is so, so poignant. And whether it's reaching out to a friend, taking a solo trip, solo walk, or journaling your thoughts, every small act of care is a powerful act of resilience.

SPEAKER_00 48:39

And I want to thank you, Terry. I want to thank you so much for being vulnerable, for sharing your heart and your wisdom with us today. I've walked this journey, as I've mentioned, and as we said, each individual's journey is personal, it's individual to them and to their lives. Your honesty really helps us all feel a little less alone in our own journeys. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 49:08

Yes, thank you, Terry. And thank you to everyone listening. If you're navigating loss right now, know that you're not alone and we are honored to walk with you. Thank you. Be sure to follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode and find us on social media to continue the conversation. And next time we'll be diving into love after sixties with a new guest who has who's got some serious wisdom to share about redefining success in your second act.

SPEAKER_00 49:53

Until then, keep holding space for healing, keep showing up for yourself. And remember, the best years are still ahead.