Sit Down With Us

Dating, Disability, and the "Talking Phase" | Our Best & Worst Stories

• Faith & Zara • Episode 1

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0:00 | 29:08

Happy Valentine’s month! 

While the world is busy buying roses and chocolates, we’re pulling back the curtain on a topic that is notoriously under-discussed: dating while disabled/with a difference.

In our debut episode of Sit Down With Us, Zara and Faith get real about why dating looks a little different when you don’t fit the "social norm" of what’s traditionally considered attractive. 

We’re tired of the "picture-perfect" Instagram couple tropes and the weird looks in public, it’s time to normalize the reality.

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#DisabilityAwareness #Alopecia #ZaraAndFaith #WheelchairLife #Inclusion #RepresentationMatters #Podcast #ZebedeeModels

SPEAKER_01

Hello, I'm Zara.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm Faye.

SPEAKER_01

And we would like you to sit down with us every Wednesday. So on today's episode, we wanted to discuss everything dating and just for the whole month of February. Yeah. Just delving into that as what dating looks like for people with disabilitieslash difference.

SPEAKER_00

And I think it's very fitting being the month of love. Yes. So we're going to be talking all about confidence, rejection, great stories, some not great stories, and just everything in between. And of course, some self-love towards the end of the month because we all need a little bit of self-loving care, don't we? Preach. Mm-hmm. Preach.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and if you feel comfortable, obviously you don't have to, but feel free to leave as your any of your dating stories, good or bad, because as we said, we all have them. It's very normal. So yeah, and we're here to normalise that and just be a safe space. 100%.

SPEAKER_00

Because I think, especially in media, there's not a lot of different looking couples out there. Everyone kind of looks picture perfect, if I'm allowed to say that.

SPEAKER_01

And I think to be honest, growing up, I would have appreciated some kind of platform like this to having just to know that it's normal and like other people experience it. And just to obviously every experience is different, but to kind of get a gist of what to expect when I first went into dating 10 years ago. Yeah, but you're thriving, babe. I am thriving. And we will get into that.

SPEAKER_00

We will. Yeah. So I think what we should do is just delve into our relationship status as it is dating month and the dating moment episode. So I am in a seven-year relationship now, just on our seven-year anniversary. Yes, we're past the seven-year itch because we didn't scratch it. There were some big convos, but yeah, we're we're alright. We're there. We love him, by the way. He is yeah, he is like a golden is it a Labrador Golden Retriever? Golden Retriever. He is. I can second that. We love him.

SPEAKER_01

But obviously, tonic way.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Just want to put that out there, guys. Oh, this is also a little story. The first time Zara said that, he went, I love you in different ways. It took me a good like 20 seconds to understand that yeah, she does love him in different ways because I love him. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that's that's me just being.

SPEAKER_01

So he's now become a running joke. I'd love him. Yeah, obviously. In different ways. Different ways. Love him. And as for me, a total 180 from faith, I've actually been single for quite a few years now. I've dabbled into dating here and there, but have not had anything serious in the past 27 years, which I think obviously some of that has been by choice, but also some of that has been from confidence and things like that, which we'll obviously delve into in future episodes. And of course, some of that has been because of who I've dated and the horrible stories, again, we'll delve into that's kind of had a knock-on effect of me kind of reevaluating my whole dating life. Yeah. So yes. Happily single, but in the dating world, should we say?

SPEAKER_00

Thriving, babe. You're thriving. Of course I'm thriving. Always. So before I met my partner that I'm with now, there was dating moments and some interesting moments and comments that I did get, which I never thought I would have the partner I had today because of who I was speaking to before. And I think that's with everyone you go through some really highs and lows through dating, and it's changed significantly over seven years, which I can't really relate to. But before that, I was on the Tinder, I was on Bumble, tried to meet people just day to day. And some comments and the audacity, audacity.

SPEAKER_01

Audacity is a great word. It's the word word of the week. Audacity. That's a great word. Yeah. Where do they at?

SPEAKER_00

And one thing I was adamant of wanting to do through dating because I wanted a boyfriend, didn't want to mess about, or just have fun. I was I wanted a relationship. And from that, I wanted to let them know that I had alopecia before actually meeting them in person, just to kind of take the pressure off myself because I would be meeting them in a wig, but I still wanted them to know like this is also part of me, and you need to accept that version of me also. Definitely. And I honestly thought going into it that not many people would be accepting and it would be really hard. Majority were actually pretty cool and just wanted to know more about it and asked questions that I think some were a little bit too leading and some were like just a bit out there and a bit like you can't really ask that, babe, but if you've not heard it before, I get why you're asking that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So it's one of those things, isn't it? When it comes to that. Because like sometimes I'm like, I want to understand where you're coming from and like put myself in your situation, but also if I was in that situation, I would ask it a completely different way. I would approach it differently. And maybe that's because I have had the experience I've had to know what's right and wrong when it comes to that. Yeah. But also, yeah, it is a bit of a difficult, I guess. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I think it's also I was 18 at the time. So the people I was talking to were also 18. So you're kind of like new to freedom and new tough age. Independence, especially because I've just gone to university. So you're learning so much already and learning how to communicate. And then you're also learning what you're actually comfortable with. Yeah. So this one person, I told them about my alopecia. He'd opened up and said that he had ADHD, and I wanted to know more about that because I hadn't really spoken to or been friends with someone or be surrounded by someone with ADHD. And so I thought very, very open, thought, fine, I can now feel comfortable to speak about my alopecia and my growth and what I'm going through.

SPEAKER_01

I like how he kind of said something vulnerable about himself as well. That's quite cool. I think.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So and I was very kind about it and understanding just as I thought he would have been about my alopecia and what I was going through. Okay. But the words that he said, I was just not expecting. Oh no. And I don't know whether it was just like he was taken aback and a bit shocked or what. But I won't leave you hanging. He basically said, I feel like I've been like my scene. Literally. So I told him, I said, I have alopecia where my hair just falls out. So I do have bald patches around my head that are all kind of connecting together at the moment. But I do wear a wig because I don't feel confident enough to just show it right now. And he goes, So you're kind of half bald. And I was like, Yes. Oh god, that's not the reply. Yes, I'm kind of half bald, but I wouldn't put it as that. And then time went on and he brought it up again, and then basically said he wanted to break it off because he couldn't imagine running his hand through my hair because it would feel like a corpse's head. Give me strength. Because if I don't laugh, I think I might cry. Yeah. Yeah. So it's one of those, yeah. I remember getting that message of being like, I'm sorry. We're going to use the word again, audacity. And the fact that he didn't approach this topic in person as well. No, we hadn't even met at this point. No, we were still in the talking phase. I'm no. And I was like, and I don't think much has changed in seven years. You still have a talking phase, and you might have FaceTime or meet in person. So I'm like, babe, we're still in the talking phase. What is going on? Oh no. Yeah. So I mean I'm glad you said it sooner rather than later because I understand. You want to know. Yeah. But I think as well, it's made me learn that there's a maturity that also comes with having a like a physical difference. 100%. Like looking different.

SPEAKER_01

You almost grow up, not grow up too quick, but grow up more aware. I almost sometimes feel like I grew up too quick. Yeah. If that makes sense. And not that I've like got any regrets about my experience or like the way I've been brought up or anything like that. But I yeah, it's just one of those where it's like life could have been a lot easier. Yeah for me.

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01

And it just wasn't.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Which is. I completely understand that as well. Because you're dealing with quite big, almost traumatic experiences from such a young age. Definitely. While you're trying to grow and develop into a teenager and into into your adult years. So I feel like you are naturally more matured and more emotionally available. Yes. Because you know what you can protect yourself from, from what you've been from, what you've been through. Yes. So yeah, but that's my kind of I'd say my worst story. There's still others that are just like, that was a bit odd.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So it took me a long time to build that backbone to be able to just take it on the chin now. Because it's not easy, especially when it's out the blue. So, but that was one comment that I was like, did not expect that. Yeah. Did not expect someone to say they can't imagine running their hands in my hair. Like, I'm sorry. I can't date with just a girl.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. We're just girls trying to date. Talk about love. Yeah. Yeah. Similar to you, I was also a late bloomer in sense of I think I had my first relationship at 17, maybe a little bit earlier than yours. But a little bit of a backstory to how I was brought up. I was basically brought up to the fact that your chair does not exist. Not in like a ignorant way, but in like a as far as your disability is concerned, it's not an issue. Which I was I I have been really thankful about growing up, but I think it also made it harder in a way because it was kind of like everything's when rainbows and roses. And as we know, with people with differences and disabilities, especially when it comes to dating, it's not every it's not rainbows and roses. So I would have appreciated, like I said, I would have appreciated a platform like this to kind of pre-warn me about what I would be expecting.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's kind of like a slap of reality as well. Like it's so nice in your bubble, but then when you try and expand out, it's like ooh, not everyone feels how I feel about this. And you then it's like audacity, how? Like how?

SPEAKER_01

And I think so. Going into dating, I was always like subconsciously, oh gosh, like this is a thing, like I am different. So I always approached it as I am disabled. Is this gonna be a problem? Rather than this is what it is, this is me, take it Oliver. I always saw it as a problem, which now looking back, it is not a problem. It's just you go up the stairs, idle round and ramps. It's just a different way of life. Do you know what I mean? So that's how I see it now, but not not that was not the case 17 at all. I was gonna say 17 years ago, yeah. 10 years ago, when I was 17. So yeah, so going back to kind of I think I've had, like I said, I've not had a like a serious relationship or anything like that. So I've not really gone to the grunts of dealing with my disability alongside a serious relationship, but I've had comments where like people seen it as like sort of like a kink, almost. Sort of like, oh, I've not like when I've mentioned it or when they've seen it on my dating uh profile or something, they'd be like, Oh, I've not dated anyone that's disabled for that'll be cool. And I'm like, love the enthusiasm, but not quite what I'm trying to be.

SPEAKER_00

Do you know what I'm saying? Like what goes through the minds to think that you know what, thank you, that's what I'm looking for. Yeah, I would love to be a kink.

SPEAKER_01

It's it's a great time to be alive, guys. But yeah, so that was I've gotten that quite a lot. And there's also, I'm sure we're again we're gonna talk about this in more depth in future episodes. But I think one of the first questions that people will ask is straight away, can you be intimate? Yeah, and yeah. So they straight away one of the first questions. So this for example, you'd be asking me, so what's your disability? I'd be like, Spino bifida. First question, can you be intimate? Literally point blank.

SPEAKER_00

And I I think this is actually like a mass, like a male thing. Probably I'm probably hopefully I'm I might be wrong, but I was a da I'm I've been trained as a dancer, and it was obvious on my dating profiles that I was a dancer. I was there in like my ballet tutu and like had dance photos on there. And as soon as it asked like how I am, it was, are you flexible? So it was straight away silence for these men. Like, let's just pray.

SPEAKER_01

But I just I just think why does it go straight to why is it all surrounding like intimacy like rather than a feeling and like and I appreciate like it's human nature, like it's natural, it is a natural thing to do and to think about, but as a first response to something that vulnerable, no, no, and it's it's interesting because my response to that over the years has changed. So before I used to like delve and be like like fully answering the question. Now, if you answer ask me that question point blank, not like leading up to it, straight away block. Yeah, no, because I just don't have the time. And I think that's what growth I've realized over the years when it comes to my dating, the way I respond to those kind of things, which is great to see. We've made it, and yeah, so other things I would probably say, like I've been told to wheel away, like made away in arguments. No, that's just like wheel away. And it's funny because some of them backtrack and say, No, I didn't say that. And I'm like, okay. So you know it's wrong, yeah. So you realize it's wrong, so why would you say it in the first place?

SPEAKER_00

I think it is like an an ignorance or an arrogance before they then learn. It's just like popping the bubble in people that you know you don't live in this fairyland and fairytopia where definitely everyone looks the same.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You know, like you There are people different around there. Find some mutual respect and like sure grow a little bit in terms of actually open your eyes and see the world. Yeah. Like no one is the same.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

And I think they probably that's probably where the arrogance comes from because they're not exposed to it, hence why we're here. Hi.

SPEAKER_01

To expose it all. Yes. I think another thing I've experienced, especially through dating apps, is when I think there's a fine line of them mentioning it and talking about like almost obsessing over your disability difference. And but on the other hand, not saying anything at all because it's like, are you not saying anything at all because it bothers you and you just like ignorance is bliss kind of thing? Or are you not saying anything at all because it's a non-issue to you? Yeah. And that I think is a very fine line. Because I've had it where people have mentioned it and like we've set a time and a date, and I would always like to talk about it similar to you, like you've mentioned, before the actual date, because I don't want to come across as a catfish, even though on my dating profile you can see I'm in a chair.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, literally me, I was wearing a wig. Yeah. So there we go. I literally could have been a catfish, but it was still me. Yes. So it's like, I um I understand that. Yeah. Catfish in perspective. I mean, but still, it's still you at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_01

Definitely. So I've had people like see me on the dating app and be like, and I've they've not mentioned it, so I bring it up and they're like, Oh, I thought you just sat on someone's wheelchair. What? I'm sorry. No, even if you think that, that's not a good thing to do. But like, even if that was the case, even for example, if you had a picture in a wheelchair that was mine, yeah, why would you then put that as a profile picture as a on your dating art?

SPEAKER_00

I think that's only kind of acceptable between like friends that are joking. Yeah. Like making like heart.

SPEAKER_01

There's no place for that on a dating art. So I also found that a bit weird, that is. But yeah, that is basically some of my horror stories.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. I feel like a lot of it has come from some myths as well. Like there's so many dainty myths surrounding disability or people that look different in terms of what we want in someone or what someone's expecting from us. Yeah. I think a big myth for me was that everyone kind of views every difference or every disability as like as the same. So everyone who has LAP shirt goes for the same thing. Everyone who's in a wheelchair goes for the same thing. Yeah. Everyone who has um Vertel Igo goes for the same thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I think that obviously we are mainly talking about dating, but I think that goes beyond that. Yeah, beyond like dating. It could be like friendships, it could be just like people seeing you across the street, thinking you need help just because you're in a chair. Like I've had instances where people just like, I'm literally just a girl wheeling about, and they're like, oh, but do you need help? And I appreciate that in a way, but also you wouldn't just walk up to someone able-bodied and be like, Do you need help? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So and that's like the fine line there as well.

SPEAKER_00

I think another myth, which I think everyone, man, woman, they that everyone deals with is that they see people that look different or have a disability as them being ill. So even now when I'm with my partner, we'll be out and about, and they I get this sensation that they feel almost sorrow for me and they feel bad for me, and like grateful to my partner for being with me when that's really not the interaction. Even if I was ill, that's not the interaction or the situation that you want. No. Because it's like at the end of the day, you can still be in love and have go about different situations. It's not a be-all and end all either. 100%.

SPEAKER_01

Obviously, it's a physical disability and also it affects you kind of mentally and things like that. But at the end of the day, it you just oh me or anyone with a different stability or a difference, we just look different.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And that's like our personality. If I was able-bodied, if I could run a marathon, my personality would still be the same. If anything, I'm more funny now, having gone through trauma and using that as humour.

SPEAKER_00

And literally.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So if anything, we're better for it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I would say I think it makes you who you are as a person. Definitely. I think that's what people forget when they're in in a situation where they might be dating or getting to know someone with a physical difference or disability because we're like we are just how we are. Yeah. Because of our what we've been through. In saying all this though, there has been some great moments within dating and some humbling, is that the word or is that the wrong word? Yes, no, humbling for sure. No, I've definitely been humbled throughout later life. And I think it's more like I weren't expecting it to go so well. Yeah. And I think for me, one big moment was with my current partner now on our first date. So I actually didn't tell him that I had alope show that I was wearing a wig. We'd FaceTimed, I wore my wig, and we strangely recognised each other as well because we lived quite close, but we still had did not know each other, just recognised each other. And our first date was a cinema, which some people are like, why? Because you can't talk for two hours. Yeah. You sat and your hands are sweaty when you're holding him. You that you're like, you've got to pick popcorn. I feel like with that when you were in that age, that's all there was to do because you can't really go out for drinks, can you? No, like I was like 18, about to be 19. Okay. Well, 18 still. Also, we were both nervous, like both really shy. We both hadn't really been in relationships before, but we both wanted a relationship from what we'd already said to each other so far. And so we got we got there way too early. We bought popcorn like half an hour before the film started. So, yeah, and then after the film, his phone died, and he was gonna ring a taxi like back to his and then my mum was gonna pick me up from there. Oh, okay. And so as we're like before we buy a phone charger, we get back to his, and he actually calls my mum to say, like, just so you know, we're just going back to chat a little bit more, just want to know more, like she's safe, she's just coming back to then back to my house, and then sent my mum his address. That is basically and my mum then messaged me saying, 'Are you okay?' I was like, Yeah, yeah, I was out. Like, it's all good. Just checking. And so we and we honestly have the most open conversation ever. And he told he opened up about some of his some the bits about him, some bits about him. And so I thought, you know what, this is the time where I can open up and tell him about my alopecia.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And so I actually don't know how I approached it and how I started talking about it, but I just kind of mentioned to him, I have alopecia, universalist, so my hair is falling out and polar won't grow back. And I showed him a photo, and whether he didn't quite understand what I was showing him or whether he was still processing, because I was wearing my wig, he then said, Oh, give it here, as in, and I thought he meant my phone. So I'm like, Yeah, if I take my take my phone, zoom in if you want, like it's really like it's an actual ball patch on my head, like thinking it's it's and he instead he said, No, not that. Puts my phone down, grabs my hand, kisses my hand, and then says, You're beautiful either way. And I was like, And my mask got goose bumps. And I was like, who does that? I was like, I have never ever. I know, I was like, no one has ever treated me like that with my alopecia or said that I'm beautiful with my it's like the first time I've heard it, not from my mum or dad. Yeah. So that was the moment where I was like, So this is how I'm supposed to be treated. Like this is like it was that light bulb moment. Yeah, I was like, isn't it? Oh my goodness, this boy actually cares. Like, I'm not gross and uh my hair is not disgusting. I just And I'm sorry, what a great way to approach that.

SPEAKER_01

Honestly. It's like come here. Yeah, it was like that. Yeah, and not something creepy like kissing the cheek, like it just grab my hand. Not a question about it. I mean, obviously, you can ask questions, yeah. But like just I think that's and he asked questions questions later on, but I kind of more brought it up.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. As a first response, yeah. As first responses goes, that's good. So I th but that was me definitely putting myself out there in a sense of I felt comfortable enough to do that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And getting to know him from a face-to-face value as well, knowing that you're not hiding behind a screen, yeah, you know, is actually in front of me, what he says goes, you know. It was it was a a big moment, but that was that's me as well. That was always my favorite story to tell.

SPEAKER_01

That's I love that story. Literally got goosebumps. I don't know about anyone else. So, like I've said many a times, never had a serious relationship. Um, so again, my dating stories could just be they're all a bit of fun, quite lighthearted. Um, but I think one story that stuck with me, which is actually quite recent, I would say from the past couple of years, since I've been dating for 10 years, this is my only success story. A bit tragic. Never. But I think one thing that I so I was dating this guy, and it was gonna be our first date, and he suggested somewhere. And anyone with a the physical disability will know, as soon as someone mentions somewhere, straight away, you go on Google to figure out whether it's wheelchair accessible. That's like the first thing that comes to your head. And so I did that, and from Google I realized it is wheelchair accessible. I hadn't been to this place before. I was like, okay, great. And then the morning of I I was just chatting to him, blah blah blah. And then he kind of stopped talking to me for a couple of hours, which was unlike him. I was like, Oh yeah, what were you up to? And he said, Oh, I just popped in to said restaurant on my lunch break to make sure that they give us an accessible seating area because I know, well, he said, I know this place is like two floors, two levels, so I didn't want our booking to be put on the second floor. So yeah, so the fact that he was really thoughtful of him. The fact that he really literally walked in and wasn't asked either, just saying back. Genuinely hadn't talked about anything like that or like any accessibility issues in the past, none of that. We hadn't talked about that. We will talk about that at some point, but we didn't know at that point. So yeah, so I just thought, you are so cute. Obviously, it didn't work out with him. I'm not with him anymore for whatever reason, but I just thought that was really sweet of him to do. And I just yeah, that was quite cute. And that's as far as my stories go, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_00

There's some good stories though, so it's not it's not all bad and scary with dating, but I think a lot of it is just putting yourself out there. We're bound to get some interesting times, but there's always gonna be those good moments that you're gonna cherish forever that you will tell the grandkids when you're older, and it'll be those stories that you almost base everything else off.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, and I think it's it when it comes to like having a physical disability slash a difference, it's important to not be scared to show a little bit of vulnerability. Obviously, like we've said in our previous um section, there are some horrible people out there, but at the same time, it is those those things that have happened are a reflection on them and not you or your disability different, and normally it's their lack of education on your disability or difference.

SPEAKER_00

So I think it's just some people don't know how to take it sometimes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, um, and I I would like hate for people to look at listen to our stories and think, oh my gosh, this is gonna how be this is how I'm gonna be treated, I don't want to date anyone, and that's this is not what this is. This is basically saying we've all had dating horrible dating stories. Like I know people who are able-bodied, who's not necessarily got anything medically or anything wrong with them. Not that there's anything wrong with quotation marks, they're normal. Um and they've had horrible dating stories, yeah. Absolute horrors that I've even not even I've not gone through. Yeah. So it's normal. But yeah, but as people with disability or difference, we might just have it a tiny bit harder sometimes. Yeah, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_00

And I think it's more about perceptions as well, which makes it more tricky for us. Yeah. But we're still going, we're good. We're good.

SPEAKER_01

We'll still stand. I was gonna say we're still standing. I'm recording standing. Oh my god, that was gonna come out at some point, wasn't it? But a piece of advice I would give to anyone watching this who is currently dating or newly dating as a disabled person slash person with difference is that just own it. 100% and back that is definitely comes with experience and it's 100% easier said than done. Yeah. But the sooner you own it, the sooner you think your disability or difference doesn't define you, the better for it. Even in your daily life, forget dating, even if you're like walking down the street, almost I love there's a term that's quite cheesy, but I apply it to most things in my life. Fake it till you make it. 100%. Even if you're absolutely not confident, fake it. Trust me, you will become confident. Yeah. And we were saying before, even if it doesn't work out, even that person's like XYZ, um, you can always be like, it's a story for the grand kids.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And it's always a lesson as well. 100%. And also a lesson to yourself on how you want to be treated. Yeah. Knowing that you won't accept that, that's great. Because younger you or a different version of you may have accepted that in the past when you weren't as confident in you know your look or disability as you as you are now. But we'll talk a lot more about confidence in a different episode because we have so much to delve into with that, which I think will really help you all as well. Thank you so much for listening. It's been great. And we hope you sit down with us again next Wednesday. Bye. Bye.