Rejection, Confidence, and the "Ross" Incident | Dating with a Difference

"I’ll get over it, I just need time."

This week, Zara and Faith get into the gritty reality of rejection. We’ve all felt the sting of a dating knockback, but when you have a visible difference or disability, it often comes with an added layer of "audacity."

Faith shares the story of "Ross"—the guy who loved the research but couldn't handle the reality—and how she learned that a partner should add to your confidence, never take away from it. 

Meanwhile, Zara talks about the "sweet but bittersweet" moment her partner told her she’d look amazing bald, and the powerful lesson of having a partner who shaves their head in solidarity.

Normalization is the goal, but what happens when the reality of dating with a disability doesn’t play by the rules?

Follow us for more:
📸 Instagram: @sitdownwithuspod @faith_hiles @zaraborji
🎵 TikTok: @sitdownwithuspod

#DisabilityAwareness #Alopecia #ZaraAndFaith #WheelchairLife #Inclusion #RepresentationMatters #Podcast #ZebedeeModels

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, my name is Zara and my name is Faye. And we would like you to sit down with us every Wednesday. Yay! As you know, throughout the month of Feb, we're talking everything dating, all the tries and tribulations, and specifically in today's episode, we're going to talk about rejection and confidence in dating.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

I think the thing with confidence, we all think we are confident, and then it comes to dating, and normally we're just not prepared for what happens. 100%. And we like our hopes are up, we always think the best. Because you want to think the best in every situation, but sometimes it just doesn't happen like that. It's not a fairy tale. I wish it was, but Princess and the pauper, sometimes I feel more like the pauper. Do you know what I mean? You know, it's sometimes it doesn't work how you want it to work, and then you're sat like blindsided, yeah. And that's where the rejection comes in, and then it could knock your confidence. So that's why today we're gonna introduce all kinds of bits surrounding it all, like you said, because it's not only when we're not expecting it to when it hurts the most.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

100%. When you think you're in the clear, yeah, it's like bam, hits you. So yeah, so to hit it off with the story that hit me like a brick, quite literally, um well not literally, actually. There's no violence clarifying. Yeah. No one was violent, no bricks in the world. Physical violence, no. Um so yeah, so my story was when I was dating this guy very briefly. Um, about a year and a half ago, we'll call him I actually can't remember what his name was. Call him Bob. Let's call him Bob. Yeah. Bob, although I don't want to offend Bob the Builder. I'm quite fond of.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Why was I thinking of Bob the Builder as well? Because you started talking about bricks.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

I went, Bob the Builder should be here. There we go. But I don't want to put a bad rep on Bob the Builder. He's quite cute. Let's say Ross. Ross. I don't know a Ross. I don't know a Ross, actually. But let's say Ross. Ross, okay. Right. So me and Ross, we're getting along, and I tend to usually like to speak to a guy for about a week, a week and a half before meeting him in person because I quite like to judge him. His character and the buy. And I'm the sort of person who's awkward and I can't end a date quickly. So I'd rather get to know him fully before seeing him in person. Anyway, so we set a time, a date, and I think at this point it was a Wednesday and we're meeting on the Friday. The night before this Wednesday, we were talking about my disability. And straight away he went into oh, like started googling it, sending me Google like articles about certain things. And yeah, it was a bit, I was like, there's enthusiastic, and then there's this. There's a research paper, babe. Calm down. Like, and like he he was really into it, and like I said, there's a fine line between being into something and being too into something. Over the top. So that's what I was. But I was like, okay, fine. And then he was speaking to me on the phone, and he said, Yeah, can we rain check on Friday? And I was like, okay, and it's like, yeah, I'm just my mental health, I'm not like that. I was like, by all means, 100%. If you're not mentally into it, you're not into it. That's all good. Love that for you. Goodbye. And then I was like, women's intuition is a great thing. It is. Because I was like, I I mean, not that I was doubting his mental health, I was just like, there's just something. You always get a gut feeling, I think.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

As a woman, anyway, you think on it. Like I've had a gut feeling a few times, and it's always been right. There you go. It's just an interesting ladies and gents.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

In this Wednesday, I was like, mmm, this has come at a very interesting point. Yeah. So not quite women's intuition. Yeah. Well, still. Yeah. So, and I said, Is it because of my disability? That's when I pulled him up on it. And he said, Yeah, I'm sorry. I just worry about how I'm going to be perceived being with someone who's in a wheelchair on like the restaurant or wherever we were going.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Because the world revolves around him, clearly.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Yeah. So like when they see us together, they're going to think, Oh my god, poor guy's doing charity. Apparently.

unknown 4:23

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

That is not well. No. I mean, that's not what he said. No, but even just the sense that people do think that as well.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

It's just so he was like, I'll get over it, is the term he used. I just need time. So he was still trying to get to know me to get over the fact that he was a word that I cannot say. Yeah. Yes. All of me would have been like, fair enough, love ya, take as much time as you need. Whereas the 2025 version of me was like, I literally said, I don't know what you think you're going to be judged about. Yeah. But equally, I don't want to be with someone who even has that thought process. Yeah. If you think it's a big deal, then you're just projecting something that's not there, and I don't want that in a partner. Like, yeah. Your partner should be the one person you don't get that from.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

You should you shouldn't feel any sort of insecurity or negativity or pressure to change who you are or feel bad about the way you are, because that's just that's not what a partnership's about. As much as it's about dating and it's about meeting new people, finding new relationships and personalities that match, at the end of the day, you're looking for that partnership. Yes. And that partnership is supposed to give you that confidence, that requires over rejection.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Like, don't get me wrong, when you're like walking in the streets or like wheeling in the streets, you think, oh my god, that person's judging me, this person's judging me. And you can't help it. Like that person might be judging you, but that's not what you need in a partner.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Yeah, it's like naturally for me, I get stared at a lot because I am out of the ordinary. There is not that many women that are bald. Yeah. And in the past I have one wigs and I don't get stared at. On my own, I feel more sensitive to it. Yeah. I guess and more aware. Yeah. But when I'm with my partner, I don't feel that at all. I feel so comfortable knowing that like he's got my back if anything did happen. Not that anything untoward would happen. But you have that safety net to him. And that's what a partnership's all about.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Also, to kind of like go off your point, but kind of maybe digress in a little bit. It's interesting that you say when you're with him, it's like that, because for me, it's the opposite. Whenever I'm with someone, they always like. So for example, my sisters both are like able-bodied, and they're like, oh, like, why is that like that person staring? Like, that's so rude. And it's weird because I don't notice at all. And it's quite weird. But anyway, that was kind of a tangent. But yeah, so to wrap up the story, essentially, I said, um, I don't want to have that in a partner, and I just don't want to get to know him. And I was quite respectful about it. I know I almost called him names today, but each their own, and he must have just been brought up very sheltered life. Yes, or a growth moment for him. You'd hope. Hopefully.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

I don't know where he's at right now, but hopefully. Yeah. So yeah. But going back to the where your partnership should boost you up and make you feel confident. Before I met my partner, I was already on my confidence journey to feeling okay with my alopecia. At that point, I still had hair. We say hair, we mean like 20, 30%, not a lot. I was still wearing wigs, especially when I left the house to go to the shops or to go out on a night out. I would still wear my wig. But to go to university, my dance classes, family, it was just my headband, it was just me. And I didn't have this wig on. And so the first time my partner saw me without a wig, one of the first things he actually said to me was, he can't imagine me with hair one day. Like he said, Wow. He did say, I think the bald look would suit you so well. Aww. And it was a kind of a bittersweet moment because I didn't know how to take it at that point. Because I was like, Do I see this as like a because he can see my bald patches?

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Is that just because so interesting you said that because as someone who's hearing it who's not experiencing that, I'm thinking immediately, that's so sweet. Yeah, but I can also imagine how that might sound like to you.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Because for my whole life, all I wanted was hair. So to hear that actually I'd look amazing bald, it was a concept that I hadn't even heard of or thought of. But I held so much, I guess, pressure on myself and value to my hair that I wanted it that I didn't even consider being bald. So there's a full story as to why that opinion has been embedded from me from the age of 10, which is a very big story that we will get into one day, but it's not the story for today, unfortunately. But come back, my partner basically wanted to show to me how hair doesn't matter. Yeah. And so he shaved his head for charity and to show that like it's it's not that it's just hair, because people with alopecia we get this feeling when people say it's just hair because it's not, there's so many other feelings that come into it, so it's not just hair, but on a physical sense, it is. But it's so hard to get to that point to understand that it is the hair that's affecting everything else, yeah. And so from him shaving his hair to show me that you know, hair doesn't matter, you're beautiful with or without, that was the whole concept behind it. Yeah. And that was a small foundation of me learning to actually love myself without a wig. So I started to less and less wear my wig, more wear my headband out, and that's what got me to the point to accept that you know what, my hair is bothering me more than the baldness, it's the hair falling out that's becoming traumatizing. Yeah. And so I made the decision, which is a wonderful story that I love saying, um, I actually shaved the last 20% of my hair off, which he helped me do. Oh he bigged me up. We went for coffee on the same day. It was great, and honestly, I took a it took me a while to figure out who I was in the mirror because it was like looking at somebody else. Yeah, but imagine the confidence he gave me, knowing that he stuck by my side, that's the confidence you want in a partner to be acceptant of your difference regardless. Yeah. And so, as much as I did a lot of the work confidence-wise, your partner's also there to bring you up. Yeah. So as soon as your partner does not make you feel anything more than perfect, that's when you need to so long farewell, Alvida Saiyan, goodbye. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

Because that's the vibe you want, really, isn't it? Yeah, it's it's not like you want to get in your confidence from them or like validation from them, but you want him to add to it, not take away. Never. And I think that's a good point to remember. So for today's myth, we wanted to talk about almost seeing being t intimate with your partner as something people with more specific disability, I guess, and obviously some differences are incapable of. Yeah. And it's just that being the big question mark in someone's head, girl or boy.

SPEAKER_02 11:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Um, when it comes to talking about someone's disability, yeah. I know for a fact that every time I've mentioned my disability when even when they haven't really started talking about it, sometimes the first question has been point blank, can you be intimate? Yeah. And it's like, what happened to hello? Yeah. What happened to how are you? How does this disability affect you? How can I help? Yeah. Again, to reiterate what we said last week, not that we're looking for carers. No. But good to sense check a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

I think. Especially if you don't if you're not queued up and you don't have the education and knowledge behind their disability or difference to introduce it in a I guess a less brutal way.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Yes. And like blunt way. And don't get me wrong, we're all adults. I mean, maybe some of us are, but for the most part, we're all adults. And we know like intimacy is a huge thing. And again, it's like you said, there's a there's a way to go about it. And I know like having like bearing a child is also an important thing in someone's dating life and all that. Again, there's a way to go about it. You don't just point blank and ask someone, can you be intimate? as the first question when they open up about something so, so vulnerable.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Um so yeah, so I think when someone is being vulnerable as well, you don't hit them again with another really vulnerable question and conversation.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

Because what if the question what if the answer is no? Yeah. And then what? I mean, nine times out of ten, which is the myth, is that the answer is no, we can't. And again, that is a myth. That's the myth. That is, yeah, that is the myth. So yeah, it's every what we want to get out there is that every disability is different. I think that's what every episode is basically about. And it's very much true in this sense as well, that every disability is a different. Some people can be intimate in certain ways, some people can be intimate in other ways, and it's just about figuring that out, and it's not like a black or white type topic and answer, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

I think as go as well, for another myth, a lot of the times I got like, oh, I've never been with a bald girl, or I've never been with like someone with a wig, and it's like, well, that's not the bit to hone into now, babe. Like, there's more to me than just my hair. Like, I'm a full person in body as well, and so I think that's where I guess the kink kind of comes into it as well. That is a great term to talk about things like this. There's so many things that come under that from the way you look to looking different to being completely different to their normal type, but also for me as a dancer, getting that flexibility question, I'm like, please like don't really think I'm gonna know. Do you know what?

SPEAKER_00 14:46

When you said kink, it just flashed back to what this guy said to me, and he went, Oh my gosh. Oh, I've never dated a girl with wheels. And I was like, girl with wheels. Oh dear. Again, it's all about rephrasing. Mm-hmm. All rephrasing is great. So yeah, he was like, Oh, I've never dated a girl with wheels. That would be nice.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Yeah. I think another kink or topic that comes into all this is someone's virginity. Yes. Like it's almost like a hunt, like they think it's amazing when you are, but it's also a pressure of when you get to a certain age, there's a pressure to lose it. And I had that pressure going into university, especially because I was already taking care of my own emotions and physical needs. I didn't want to give away so much of myself to so many people.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Just to say, we're not shaming anyone who does do that, absolutely not. Each of the road. Yeah. And can we I feel like it's almost more normalized actually to be like that than to wait and build that intimate connection. And we just wanted to say that both of them are fine as long as obviously they're both consensual and made with your decisions, basically.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

I think the reason why there's so much pressure on virginity these days is because of that, I guess, social norm now. Yeah. And I think it's a clubbing era as well. And the way just have the way life has shifted. Yeah. I guess it's no longer like it used to it used to be the woman dropped a handkerchief on the floor, and that was like the first initiation into a relationship match. Yeah. And then it was like the fan and appearing over the fan. And then chivalry came in, opening the door. So things have just, I guess, progressed and grown to something different. And I think in today's society, it is normal to be with other people and to explore because there's so much more awareness around different intimacies.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

And so we have different types of relationships. You've got throppals, you've got I don't know if you've got quadruples, I don't know. But yeah, I think poly polyamorous. That's the word, better word than what I was saying. So yeah, so you've got different types of kinds of relationships, and it's just important to know all of it is normal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

But I think as well, it's also normal to not want that as well. There's another, there's another side of it where you don't need to explore and you know what you want from day one. But I think it's around in the virginity conversation, there is almost a still a stigma and pressure around not being a virgin for a certain age. But I think it's just everyone has different moments in their life where in different timelines. Yeah. There shouldn't be any pressure. It's just when you're comfortable enough to do that. Yes. So yeah. But I do know that that is a big kind of kink and I guess not a myth, but a kink for people.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Yeah. So yeah. So along with all this, I think it's good to like keep in touch with yourself and your values and like not necessarily be pressured or compare yourself to other relationships and anything else you see, whether on social media or your friendship groups, whatever that may be. And I think a part of that is through self-love, maybe, which we will talk about more in another episode. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Because I think especially when you're in tune with yourself, you then know how to treat yourself and how you want to be treated. Yeah. And that in terms will help your confidence and then help the I guess the fear of rejection and then getting over that rejection more efficiently. Yes. I mean, there's no right or wrong, wrong way of doing that. Yeah. It's just, I guess, experience, maturity, and growth as a person, but definitely being in touch with yourself through different self-love techniques, which, like you said, we're going to get into in the next episode, which will be I'm so so excited to get to get into that. But yeah, that's definitely hard to keep a level head in.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Just to like even check in with yourself. So you might have had one idea of where you wanted it to go, and then you think, actually, I don't want that anymore. And it's just to like check in with yourself and not necessarily let outside noise influence that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

And I think to sum up as a whole, having the confidence to know what you want, that's the main subject of it all. Because if you're not happy with something, saying no is the magic word. I was literally about to say, don't be afraid to say no. Yeah. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

It's the it's the full sentence. Yes. No is a full sentence. I don't know why I'm just repeating what you're saying. But I agree. I agree. Yes. Yeah. And equally, also, don't let anyone shame you for your decisions pop off. Yeah. To you. Do you? Do you babes? The point is you're making informed decisions and you're living the life for you. Right. It's clearly come to the end, hasn't it? Right. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Anyway, thank you all so much for listening to this episode. We can't wait to have you sit down with us next Wednesday. Bye.