Episode 18: Grief & Feelings

In this episode, we sit down with the raw, unfiltered side of grief—the kind that hits in waves, the kind that shows up in silence, anger, guilt, and everything in between. We talk about what it really feels like to lose someone who meant everything… and how those feelings don’t just disappear when the world expects you to move on.

This isn’t a “how to heal” episode.
 This is a “you’re not alone in how you feel” episode.

If you’ve ever felt like a piece of you left with someone you loved… this one is for you. ❤️‍🩹

Trigger Warning: This episode discusses grief, loss, and emotional trauma.

Grab your tea… this one’s heavy. ☕🖤

Social Media:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thedeadlytea?igsh=MXA5dnp0Nmw0cXlm&utm_source=qr

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@deadlyteapodcast?_r=1&_t=ZP-93Xx2859Gmt

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/1CE5Qn7mv5/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Resources:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.)
  Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org
• Crisis Text Line
  Text HOME to 741741
• GriefShare
  griefshare.org
• The Dougy Center (for children, teens & families)
  dougy.org
• What’s Your Grief
  whatsyourgrief.com
• Modern Loss
  modernloss.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hey TDT fans. It's it's It's Marie and Savannah. Whisper Whisper mode. Welcome back, guys. Um today we are gonna talk about a topic that has affected a large percentage of us. Um and it has very different perceptions, there are different perspectives of how to deal with this. And um yeah, today we're gonna dive into grief and what that means to us and the different things that we feel and think about. Yeah, the grief process, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

I agree. I think the grief process is like it's something not a lot of people can explain. It's just something you have to like experience. Um and it's not something anybody wants to experience. Um it's very, it's a very, very um, it's not like a depressing topic because I feel like it should be talked about more and how to help people through grief, but it is a it's a sad topic, I feel like.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Well, yeah, I mean, because grief, you're, you know, obviously grieving something.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

Yeah, something that is lost or something that is, you know, someone, or um, so of course there's a lot of emotions behind that and uh there's different ways to grieve too.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Um sometimes it's not a grief that's where someone passes away. Sometimes you're grieving someone who's still here. Yeah. So I feel like, you know, there's also different ways to grieve. I feel like more than often there's no wrong way to grieve, but unless if you use substances to heal that, you know. Um I feel like that may be, you know, a cause for concern, but or you know, hitting someone or abusing and like as far as like if you're just you're too sad or you're too like, I'm not gonna say you're too happy, but some people don't take grief like everyone else does. Right.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

I mean, I know um honestly, um I always say it all the time. I the way that I grieve is very strange. I haven't experienced a lot of loss in my life. Um, so I don't really have a lot of insight, but I do have experience in losing someone who is still here, you know, and um grieving that I don't have them or I guess access to them the way that I did before. So I understand that kind of grief. And um, you know, recently lost somebody close to me too, and that's been I'm gonna use the word weird, but it's been a weird experience for me just trying to like I don't know, just like the random thoughts of like, wow, like I actually will never like it'll hit me randomly, like I'm actually never gonna see this person again. Yeah, you know, or I'm never gonna hear this person say this, or I'm never gonna like, you know, like little things like that will hit me randomly, but I don't get like this overwhelming sense of like sadness or anything, which like you said, there's no right way to grieve. Yeah, I guess just for me, is like I reminis a lot, you know, and I speak to them in my own way, you know. Yeah, or um, you know, things like that. But I don't know. I'm gonna let I know you've experienced a lot of loss, unfortunately, and I mean a lot of close Yeah, close deaths, I guess you would say.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

I feel so weird saying deaths, like that's not funny, but like when you really go to talk about it, like you just kind of pause because like you don't want to say deaths because death is like I I gotta lisp. Um deaths are like it's not it's really hard to explain any kind of emotion with someone dying close to you. Like, you know, I think on the last podcast we kind of touched a little bit on who I lost, and you know, this was someone that was like a father to me, but this is also hard because it's not even something I can explain to people. Some some moments I feel really happy, and then 10 minutes later, after feeling like I laughed or I smiled, I like regret it because I'm like, oh man, like you know, like am I supposed to really sad. Um, but you know, there's different phases of grief. Um, you know, grief isn't just sadness or talking about anger, numbness, guilt, relief, and even in moments of peace, it's how confusing that mix can feel as well.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Um, so I feel like, you know, for me, I had a lot of great aunts dying as I was growing up, like from lung cancer, kidney cancer, um, breast cancer, or uh a little breast cancer, cervical cancer too. So I mean, I feel like for me, it was people like back in the day, I was really close with all my family. So these weren't people I just didn't know um, or just like we saw them all the time. Um, so and then not only that, I had cousins, I even had friends over the years, some of them passed away. And now my well, my grandma was my first real close death, and that was 14 for me. So that was really um I didn't know how to take it. I like resorted to things that shouldn't be resorted to, and my parents had to pull me out of that. Um, and then I kind of like eventually not got over it because you never get over it, but I got to learn how to cope with it better. Right. And um now that I'm older, I will say being a kid and grieving is way different than being an adult and grieving.

unknown 6:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

I don't think the sadness is any less, but I think the comprehension of what's happening is more as an adult. Um and I feel like with who I lost a few weeks ago or a month ago now, um it it's a lot more hurt because I realize like there really is no turning back now.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

And um this was like I said, someone who was a father figure to me. So it's not something that's easy to just be like, oh, I'll get over it. Um he raised me because you know, some people don't have perfect lives and their parents aren't always in it. You know, one parent sometimes typically stays, other parents don't. So he was not even blood to me either, and chose to help raise me. So I feel like when it comes to his death, it's a lot different for me because for the past 10 years he's lived with us, and you know, like this is someone I saw every day, someone I had like a super close relationship with since I was born. Um, and I never went a day without talking to him, like my whole life. So for me, it's like it's still really hard. Like, I remember just certain moments, like I was sitting at Waffle House one time, someone looked similar to him, I just started wailing, crying. Then being at, you know, your family's house the other day, someone they reminded me of him too, and that can like that just triggers because I don't know if it's just like not even necessarily that they look alike, but this the state that they're in reminds me. I get that. Um, but I think right there, like, you know, like I said, grief grieving someone that you'll never get to see again, I feel like is an all-around basis, even if they're still here, you know, sometimes that's still even just as hard.

SPEAKER_03 8:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Cause some people can just be really bad for each other, some people just never forgive each other, and then you're literally grieving like a close relationship that you had. Right. So, but that goes into also what we were just talking about, like the types of triggers that you can have. Kind of before this, we touched on that. It could be like smells, song, places, random memories, you know, the moments that hit kind of like out of nowhere. Sometimes it could just be the littlest thing. Sometimes sitting in his chair, I'll get like the aroma of him, even though it's not near. It just feels like he's still there.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

Well, I was telling you the other day that like I went into the bathroom and I just saw all of his stuff was still sitting, like where he put it, like you know, all of his things in the bathroom are still where they were, and like that got me, and I was like, damn.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Yeah. It's kind of hard. I walked in there the other day too during the week a couple of times, and I saw it too, and um, I got asked if I was gonna clean it out, and I'm like, no, not yet. Like just let it.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

Yeah, I mean there's no that's another thing, is like there's no time frame on healing or processing your grief, and you know, I feel like if you are concerned about someone who's grieving and you feel like they are not doing well with it, be there for them. You know, check in. Even if they don't respond, even if they don't say anything back to you, check in, let them know that you're there. Yeah, you know, and that's my biggest part of like your grieving is understanding that you're gonna go through your moments, you know. This is just me speaking like personally, like to our situation. Yeah, I know that you're gonna go through your ups and downs with that. I know some days are gonna be harder for you than others. I know that your day-to-day life has completely changed, so has a lot of other people in the family too, you know. So for me, I kind of gauge like what I need to do for you in terms of being supportive by how you're feeling or what you need. So if you are just like, oh, I really just you know need a little bit of time to myself, like I need to just sit with my feelings, and I'll fall back a little bit, you know. Yeah. But if I notice that you're like falling into like a dark, yeah, a dark space, I will step in and I'll be like, hey, you know, let me come over, like let me just be there. That way you I won't even I don't even have to say anything to you, but you know that I'm there.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

I know. I know that you're there because the other day when we were at your family's and I don't even know, I don't know what happened, but even before I saw what really triggered me, there was a situation in the dining kitchen area, and I guess he was brought up or mentioned, and you just immediately gave me a hug, like within a few seconds after me answering the question or saying something, and I was just like, Yeah, I think she can tell, like yeah, I think I think you can tell, like just even talking about it may trigger me at times, but yeah, um and also a big thing I'm gonna say, and this is to you directly and to just everybody, don't make don't let anyone make you feel that you should be quote unquote over it, or that you should, you know, or that you should be healed, or that you know, like I said, like there's no time frame in healing or grieving, you know, it's learning how to process those things, it's coming to terms with it.

SPEAKER_03 12:13

It's a lot of different things that go along with that. So don't let anybody ever make you feel like, okay, well, you know, he's in a better place. So you just okay, I get that. But I'm sorry, me personally, I'm like, well, shit, I wanted to be here. He was all right here. Like shit. You know, like you know who I am.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Yeah, he's just fine here. I miss the girl not, bitch.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah, or I love you, my bitch. Well, yeah. He would, I don't know, he was always saying like the silliest stuff, and I miss those moments because like they were always during like the most um like if I was in a bad mood, chaotic, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

He would just look at you. Yes, I loved it. Um I miss it a lot. I like that um my son, when he was a little bit younger, every time we would stay here, he would he would wake up in the morning and he would open the door and walk out. And um Happy would already be sitting in his chair because he would get up early. I'm talking about butt crack at dawn, 3 a.m. sitting in the chair drinking coffee. Yeah. And Nico would get up. Oh, oh well. Nico will get up and he'll open the door and um he would creep out of the door to see if he was sitting in his chair. And then once he would see he's sitting in his chair, he would cover his face and try to speed walk past him. And every time Pappy would be like, Morning, Nico. Hey, Nico, Nico, like sit there like really and he'd be like, No, Pappy. That was always so fun. I would hear that every morning. So um, it's just crazy to think that like, you know, he's held all of our children, you know. So we have total, we have four kids that, you know, are running around. He got to hold all of them as newborns.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

And and you know, I don't like, you know, a lot of people I'm sure could relate to this on this podcast too, but something that Pappy told me like during like when you came back from Georgia. And he said that he didn't want to get close to anyone, like other than who he was already close to, even the person that was an unborn unborn child at the time, um, which was in my stomach, by the way. Um, I'll just say your little my little but he was too afraid. I'm sorry, he was he was too afraid to gain that like relationship with um even my unborn child because he said that he already had one with my oldest, and he's like, I don't I don't want to create another one and then hurt them when I'm gone. Right. And he would always say stuff like that because he's like, he even said it about you and your babies. He was like, I'm afraid to get close to people because I know one day when I'm gone, like I just don't want people, like too many people to get hurt. He's like, it's already gonna hurt you guys. Yeah, and next thing I know, within weeks of like not even weeks of you being here, he's holding all of the littles he's like saying, I love you, or like he would just like pick at him, love on him, and then he told me a few weeks before, um, or maybe a month or two before he passed away. I can't really remember, but he said something along the lines of, Well, I did it. And I said, What did you do? And he was like, Um, I did exactly what I said I wouldn't. And I said, What do you mean? And he says, Um, I got too close. And like he even meant it towards me. Like, he didn't want me and him to like create like an even closer bond than what we had, but we did. Right. And he was like, I love, like, I love all you guys, and that's why he even bought um my other my oldest child his birthday present like six months ago, maybe four or five months ago. He was like, he was so persistent on like you buy him stuff all the time, don't do that. Like, and I just think he felt it in himself that he was not telling you.

SPEAKER_03 16:13

I'm telling you, literally, the week before, whenever I came here and I knew he was not feeling good. I said, Pappy, you look like shit. You need to go to the hospital. Which, if you knew Pappy, you know that it's a that's just how it's stubborn. Yeah, he's so stubborn because you tried for weeks to get him to go. Yeah. So I was like, you need to go. You look terrible, like you look sick. I can tell that you're struggling, you're sweating, like, come on now.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:39

And he's like, No, like, thank you, but no, I'm not gonna go. I'm I'm just not, I'm not ready. And I'm always like, You need to go because it's only gonna get worse.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

And then, like I told you, he looked at me and he said, No, Sam, I'm not ready. Mind you, he called me Sam because it's just easier than saying my name. So I've always been saying that, yeah. And um, you know, whenever he looked at me and said, I'm not ready, um, I knew he wasn't just talking about going to get checked out. I knew that he knew that things, if he did go, he was not gonna be coming back home.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

And I think he knew a lot longer than what he told us though.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

He absolutely did. I think he did. But in typical papy fashion, he is so stubborn and he's not gonna let anybody else know what's going on because he didn't want to be treated any other way.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

He didn't.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

He wanted to be he wanted to live exactly his regular day-to-day life up until the end.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

I know, I know he did, he sure did. And like his last day being active and aware was like amazing because he like it was like his old self. Like he was like, Hey Sam, or like, you look good, Sam, or he said something, or he was like trying to crack jokes.

SPEAKER_03 17:53

He was like, Hey, you said Pappy looks Sam came to see you, yeah, and he opened his eyes and he had the biggest smile on his face. And I was like, Hey Sam, you look good. And I was like, Well, thanks, Pappy, you look even better. And he started laughing.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

I know the past the pat or the last two days, I was telling him why he was aware. I was like, or last two, three, I was telling him I was like, You're so handsome. Like, and I would stroke his hair, like, you know, just trying to make him feel like because he's someone that was so proudful. He didn't want to be. Yeah, he didn't, he never he always told me, if I ever get to where I can't take care of myself, don't just know I don't want to be here. And I'm like, it would hurt my feelings every time because that's that's where your grieving starts of someone who's already here. Yeah. Um, because you know, like even then, that's when we knew his diagnosis was terminal. I mean, like he had COPD. So, um, but I just want out of all of this conversation, um, not only is it someone that we feel is personal to us, and I wanted to expare show and express my emotions through my grief in hopes that it could help someone else as well. But I also just want to reiterate that you're not alone. You always have people to reach out to and talk to while you are going through your grieving process. And it doesn't matter if it's someone who's still alive and someone who's not here anymore, just know that you're able to express your feelings and never go through this alone because it is so hard.

SPEAKER_03 19:28

Um, yeah, and there are a lot of resources. Um, we can tag some resources, I guess, that are here local to us, or maybe if we find some that are um, you know, kind of not like universal, but you know, like yeah, yeah, national or something. But um yeah, maybe we can find some resources for people who do unfortunately have to deal with this kind of grieving alone or feel that they're dealing with it alone. Yes, you know, because it's it's extremely important to have a support system, you know, and there are people that are willing to be support systems for others, you know. There are people who have had to go through it alone who want to be there for other people so they don't have to. And um I in terms of loss, this is really the only loss that I feel like has been very close to me because same I I saw Pappy on a mul sometimes multiple times a week. I mean, there was a time with us. Yeah, like many of the kids have lived here twice. Um like we saw them day to day, you know. I I get that, and you know, it's aside from that, the only other grief I felt is um grieving someone who's still here and really just a a change in life style and you know, literally completely changed my the whole course of my life. So you know, I've experienced that grieving and um it's hard too, it's just as hard. It's just as hard, even if you get to talk to that person, the pain is still there because you have those thoughts of you know, what would life be like right now if this person was here, you know, and um, so I I get that part too, but um I think grief should be talked about more, and I think it should be normalized to grieve how you feel like you should. There are people who look at death as um like a new beginning, you know, and I feel like I kind of see it that way as well. Yeah, I feel like people whenever people pass, they're not just gone, you know. I feel like they're still with you. I feel like, you know, but I also am a very spiritual person. Yeah, you know, so I believe that we existed before we were here, we're gonna exist after, you know. So um, I don't feel like anyone is truly ever gone, but maybe that's why I grew up the way that I do. But like I said, you know, everyone's different.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

But you're also spooky, so I mean you probably believe that people are ghosts and they're gonna haunt you guys. Yeah, I do. I'm coming back to haunt you guys, just so you can. I know, I know. Don't grieve me, girl, because I'm still around. That's gonna terrify me. Because I already know you're not gonna be the one that just taps on the shoulder. Oh no, I'm gonna mess with you guys in the weirdest ways.

SPEAKER_03 22:20

I'm gonna like pull your toes. That would terrify me if somebody was pulling my toes in the middle. I'm gonna do that to my brother. Um because he would absolutely scream. Um, let me see. What else? Um, I don't know, maybe like blowing your ear or something, something weird. Just freak you out.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

But that would terrify me, I'm not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_03 22:41

Um, you know what? I'm gonna write messages on your mirrors. If you did that, I'm gonna be like, hey, bitch.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

I would probably sell my house and leave. I'd be like, nope, gone. I'd go with you to your new house and be like, wow, so you hate me. Sell it again. So you hate me. Um, yeah, I was gonna say, I just want everybody to know, you know, um that you're not alone if you are grieving. And I wanted you to know a little bit about that I've experienced it. Sab has experienced it as well in different ways, just as much as ours. And um, it's never about I should have done more, should have said more, unpacking the weight can be really hard. So just know that sometimes there's not it's not what you could have done, it's just reality, I guess, in a sad way. Um because I I really did blame myself for a lot with my grandma and him as well. And I mean, I was a child, so I really you know there's not not a lot you really can do. Um, you know, I don't know everybody's specific situation, but just know you can you do what you did and or you did what you did and just know that they loved you and miss you and just as much as you miss them. So um, you know, we hope I was about to say later alligators really fast, but don't don't don't hate me. Don't later, don't later alligator yet. Not yet. Um but yes, we will drop the podcast description, maybe a few resources to help with grief, and we love you guys. Yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_02 24:23

You guys are loved. Um I think maybe maybe next episode. Are you thinking maybe you want to do spooky? Something spooky.

SPEAKER_01 24:35

Something spooky. Like something that's local. Spooky, local or national local.

SPEAKER_03 24:43

I think I have something that I was thinking about yesterday. It's gonna have to come back to me when it comes back to me because I have no idea what it is right now.

SPEAKER_01 24:48

It'll be at 3 a.m. at text. Probably so.

SPEAKER_03 24:50

If I text you in the middle of the night, it's because I remembered it. But um there was something I was thinking about, and I was like, oh bro, this would be really good. We have to do it. Dang it, I forgot.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Okay, anyway, yep, spooky vibes. I'm coming at you. We love you guys and have a good week, and we'll see you next weekend. Bye bye. Later, alligators.

unknown 25:11

Wiki wiki wack.