Episode 21: The Version of You Everyone Expects

Have you ever felt like you’re carrying the weight of being the strong one, the helper, the fixer, or the person who always has it together?

In this episode of The Deadly Tea Podcast, Marie talks about people pleasing, boundaries, and the pressure of constantly being who everyone else expects you to be. We dive into why so many of us struggle to say no, why we put others’ happiness before our own, and how losing ourselves can happen without even realizing it.

This heartfelt conversation is a reminder that your worth isn’t measured by how much you do for others, how available you are, or how often you put yourself last. You’re allowed to take up space, set boundaries, and choose yourself too.

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Transcript

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Welcome back TDT fans. It's Marie and it's our Sunday episode. Um I just wanted to, you know, bring in some mental health reminders for you guys. So today is going to be the version of you that everyone expects. Um so have you ever felt like everyone just kind of knows a version of you but not the real you in a sense? Maybe you're the one that is known as a strong one, the one who keeps going, the one who always helps everyone else, the one who makes people laugh, the one who always figures things out, and the one who never seems to need help. At first those things feel like compliments, but over time it can become expectations and it can honestly become heavy at the same time too. And expectations can always become cages because eventually you have a bad day, you break down, you need support, and you need someone to check on you. And honestly, expecting things from people can be a lot. And suddenly people don't know what to do because you've spent years being the one everyone leans on. One of the hardest things about mental health struggles is that they don't always look like what people expect them to. Some people cry, some people isolate, some people get angry, and some people smile through every single bit of the pain that they're carrying. And honestly, those are the people that most people don't worry about, not because they aren't hurting, but because they've become experts at hiding it. And honestly, I feel like a lot of us have, I mean, how can we not hide things? Because nowadays people are really judgmental. So I think a lot of us just learn early in life that being useful gets us love, being strong gets us praise, and being dependable gets us appreciated. So we keep showing up, we keep carrying things, and we keep saying I'm okay, even when we're not. And eventually we figure out how to be anything else but that. The problem is that nobody can carry everyone forever. Nobody can be the strong one every day, and nobody can pour from an empty cup indefinitely. At some point, even the strongest people need a place to fall apart, and there should never be shame in that. One thing grief taught me recently is that people often see what you're doing, but they don't always see what you're carrying. Someone might look perfectly fine while quietly fighting battles that nobody knows about. Maybe that's anxiety and it's depression and it's grief and it's stress, and maybe it's exhaustion from trying to hold everything together. So if you're listening today and you're tired, tired of being strong, tired of pretending, tired of carrying everyone else's emotions while ignoring your own, I want you to hear this. You do not have to earn rest, you do not have to earn support, you do not have to earn love by constantly sacrificing yourself. You are allowed to be human and you are allowed to have hard days, you're allowed to ask for help and you're allowed to let people see the real version of you. Just know that it's okay even if someone doesn't accept you, but you are worthy and you deserve the best things in life, and only you can give yourself that sometimes. The version that isn't perfect, the version that gets overwhelmed, and the version that cries, the version that doesn't have all the answers, because the version that deserves love too is that version. We often get caught up in this social media, like everything has to be perfect, and we always have to put on this perception of ourselves so other people love us, and honestly, that's tiring. I I can't imagine going every day trying to look my best, not in a way of like aesthetically, but like just trying to be something that I'm not. I could not imagine that. And I've tried it in the past, and it just I I couldn't do it for long without really breaking down. So that's just being truthful and honest. And I feel like all of us deserve our people. We all deserve happiness, we deserve the things that we try and strive for. So let's get up and get that. Um, you know, I know it takes time, I know it takes effort, I know it takes relearning and sacrificing things, not sacrificing yourself, but sacrificing some things that you want you have to go for the better. But that also starts with not giving yourself nothing. You know, I feel like we all keep giving a lot of effort to things that don't deserve our attention or our time. And something my therapist told me um was you gotta put yourself in the equation. She was like, everything that you tell me when we talk is like you think of other people, like you never put yourself in the equation. So honestly, from here on out, put yourself in that equation. Put yourself and think of yourself all the time, like not being selfish, obviously, but also make sure that you're doing things that you love. Like one of the examples, examples she gave me is like if someone's talking about a book that they love and you're like, oh, I love that book too. And then she's like deep down, you know, that's not your favorite book. It's just like you should be able to speak up and be like, Oh, I love that book, but I also love this book, like stuff like that. Like, always put yourself in the equation, and you know, stop, don't be a people pleaser either, because that's something I have struggled with for since I was a child, honestly. Um, I have a lot of trauma from that, and I'm gonna be working on that in therapy and have been. And some of the things that I feel like that will help are you know, just getting comfortable with saying no to people. Not every request deserves a yes, and you know, you can start small by saying, I can't make it this time. I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't commit to that, and you know, also just stop explaining yourself so much because that's something I have done for so long is explaining myself over and over, and that is just fucking tiring. I say the F word on that because emphasize it has drained me. You do not need a five-minute explanation for every boundary that you hold for yourself. No is a complete sentence. So ask yourself, do I actually want to do this before agreeing? Pause and ask. You know, am I doing this because I want to, or am I afraid? They'll be upset. Just remember yourself in those moments and let people be disappointed sometimes. Someone being disappointed doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Healthy relationships survive boundaries. So that's something I also learned with myself is I have people in my life that are okay with me saying no. I mean, obviously, sometimes like they're like, dang, that sucks. But they're like, okay, next time, bro, like it's not the end of the world. If someone loves you, they're gonna be okay with a no. Stop taking responsibility for everyone else's emotions as well. You know, you're responsible for how you treat people, but not how they choose to feel about your boundaries, because that is something all of these things I have experience with, and it tore me down so much that I de person like depersonalized myself. Like I did not know how to be me anymore because I was too busy making other people happy or trying to be light, and it's just not fun, and you know, just practice asking for what you need. People pleasers are often great at helping others, but terrible at expressing their own needs. So if you need to try, I need some time to myself, or can you help me with this? And honestly, I've been doing that a lot lately with my people, so it's refreshing. Remember that being kind and being a people pleaser are not the same thing. Kindness comes from love and people pleasing often comes from fear. So make sure to distinguish what is from your heart in love and what is from fear of hurting other people's feelings. Just make sure to pay attention to resentment as well. If you're constantly feeling frustrated, exhausted, or unappreciated, it may be a sign you're giving more than you truly need or want to. You know, and just stop trying to earn other people's worth because you are worthy. You do not have to be useful, available, helpful, or agreeable to deserve love and respect. Start disappointing others before you disappoint yourself. Constantly abandoning your own needs to keep everyone else happy eventually leads to burnouts, resentments, and losing yourself. The people who genuinely care about you may not always like your boundaries, but they will respect them. The people who only liked you when you said yes to everything, when they were benefiting from it, that is lack of boundaries and that is not them loving you. So, my question to you is when was the last time you said yes to something you really wanted to say no to and why? I just want you to sit with that for a little bit because I have to sit with that, you know, when I'm in therapy and I'm talking to my therapist, and she's like, Why do you keep doing, you know, like my therapist is not one that just sits and listens to all of my issues. She is very blunt and I love it. She tells me what I need and what I need to work on, and being a people pleaser is one of those. So just remember, you, you, you, you. This episode is about you. This episode is about healing that exhaustion, that burnout, and that resentment that you've been holding from having to people please. People will love you regardless if they really care. Yes and no should not ever tear that apart. And if they do care, they will make the same effort. If not always the same effort, they'll at least, you know, make efforts here and there. And not just like little efforts. I'm saying if someone really does love you, they will show they love you. Um, you know, I'm someone that's almost 31. I it's I've lived a lot of like different experiences in my life, from trauma to like tons of different trauma, honestly. Um, and relationships with people, friendships, and stuff like that haven't always been the best, but my people are my people. I've had a best friend since like third grade. We've been friends for over 20 years, and she's literally like my sister, not my blood, my sister. I would do anything in the world for her, and she does the same for me. It's it's never a one-way street, it's always back and forth between each other. We've been through a lot in our friendship, I will say. You know, we've had her off and ons, but your friends will love you because they love you, not because what you give them or what you can bring. You know what I mean? So just know you're loved, and I just hope this episode relates to you. And before we end today's episode, I just want to leave you with this reminder. The people who truly love you won't only love the strong version of you, they'll love the struggling version too, they'll love the messy version, the grieving version, the healing version, and the version that doesn't have to have it all figured out. If someone only values you when you're useful, strong, or available, that's not love, that's convenience. Take care of yourselves this week. Check on your strong friends, check on the people who always say they're fine, and if you're that person too, please remember that you don't have to carry the world by yourself. Until next time, and I hope you guys have a lovely week. Bye. Later, alligators.